Grenade
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No Title
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March 27th, 2011
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Running Time
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12:51
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Todd plays "Grenade" on his piano.
BRUNO MARS - GRENADE
A pop song review
Todd: 'kay, I've been doing this show for more than a year now, and over the course of that time, there's become a certain...type of song that I generally choose to review. So when I pick a song, you kinda know what to expect: [Montage begins with "Whip My Hair"] obnoxious musical gimmicks, ["The Time (Dirty Bit)"] lousy production, ["Like a G6"] poorly thought-out metaphors, ["OMG"] painful forced rhymes, ["Deuces"] uncomfortable misogyny, ["BedRock"] bad pickup lines, ["Hey, Soul Sister"] annoying vocals, etc. And yet, just about none of these things are crimes of which you could accuse today's artist [Movie poster of Bruno] Bruno... [picture of Bruno Mars] Mars. He's a new name, but he's already had a handful of hits since being introduced to the world last year...
Todd (VO): [Clip from...] ...on B.o.B's "Nothin' on You," one of my new favorite songs. Now he had two other hits afterwards, [clips of...] "Billionaire" and "Just the Way You Are"—neither of which knocked me out, but nevertheless gave the impression that he's enormously talented, not only as a performer, but as a songwriter, instrumentalist and producer. Furthermore, his approach is old-school, meaning he doesn't do a lot of the things that make modern pop music awful. But despite that, he never comes off as a throwback or an anachronism. In fact, it's hard to imagine an era in which he couldn't have found a way to become successful. Quite frankly, I think he's one of the leading new talents of the current pop scene.
Todd: [sigh] And yet, here I am, reviewing his to-date biggest hit single, "Grenade," which climbed to #1 and has held in the Top 10 since the beginning of the year. Why am I doing this? I don't know what to tell you. He had me, and then he lost me. I wanna like the guy, I do like the guy, but...I don't know. This song just...bothers me.
- Video for "Grenade"
Todd (VO): Which it shouldn't because, at its base level, it's just a song about a guy who feels neglected by his girl. Now we've all felt unappreciated at some point, right? I know I have.
Todd (at computer): Well?
PushingUpRoses: Well, what?
Todd: Aren't you...aren't you gonna thank me for promoting your last video?
PushingUpRoses: You posted a link on your blog that said: [still shot of video reading...] "Ha ha. Worst video ever."
Todd: You're welcome!
Todd (VO): So, what's...what's the problem? Part of it is with Bruno Mars and the kind of performer he is. Simply put, subtlety is...not his thing.
Todd: The man has the power and the range to imbue every song with the passion and immediacy and emotional intensity of a man being repeatedly kicked in the balls. [Clips of Bruno Mars videos where he sings in a pained high pitch] So when he writes a love song, it works because he genuinely acts like it's the greatest love story ever written. But when he feels taken advantage of, she's [sobbing loudly] the worst bitch who ever lived in the universe!!!
- Bruno: Mad woman, bad woman
- That's just what you are
Todd (VO): And when he says he's devoted, he's gotta express it by committing all sorts of suicidally stupid acts in increasingly cartoony ways.
- Bruno: ...is I'd catch a grenade for ya
- Throw my hand on a blade for ya
Todd (VO): He'd get blown up for ya, he'd get run over for ya, he'd get shot in the head for ya.
- Bruno: You know I'd do anything for ya
Todd: Okay, so...run it all past me again. What's the situation here?
- Bruno: If my body was on fire
- You would watch me burn down in flames
- ...what you don't understand
- Is I'd catch a grenade for ya
- You know I'd do anything for ya
Todd: Why?
Todd (VO): No, I mean that. Why?! I mean, what's so great about her? I mean, let's run down the list here.
- Bruno: Black, black, black and blue
- Beat me 'til I'm numb
- Bullet list starts with...(abusive)
- Tell the devil I said "Hey" when you get back to where you're from (demonic)
- Mad woman (insane), bad woman (evil)
- That's just what you are
- Yeah, you smile in my face (deceitful) then rip the brakes out my car (bad at auto repair)
Todd: Yep, she sounds like a keeper. Why are you this devoted to her? Matter of fact, let's alternate between the chorus and the verses so I can show you what this song sounds like in my head.
- Bruno: You know I'd do anything for ya
- [cut to] Mad woman, bad woman, that's just what you are
- [cut to] But, darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
- [cut to] You said you loved me, you're a liar
- Cause you never ever ever...
- Performances of...
- Minnie Ripperton: And everything that I do
- Is out of loving you....
- Sam Kinison: YOU SNAKY TRAMP! YOU LIED TO ME!!! WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME!!!
Todd: You...you see the problem, right?
- Bruno: ...is I'd catch a grenade for ya
- Throw my hand on a blade for ya
Todd (VO): Okay, here's one other thing. For the first five months of hearing this song, I thought it was "throw my head on a plate." You know like "serve my head on a platter." I understand that, kinda. But according to all the lyrics sites I've consulted, the line is actually "throw my hand on a blade."
- Bruno: Throw my hand on a blade for ya
Todd (VO): "Throw my..." that can't be right, can it? No, I...I just don't get that at all. That's not, like, an expression or a thing people do or anything. Don't you generally do it the other way around? How does that even work?
Todd: [sobbing] I'll show you how much I love you. I'm gonna throw my hand on a blade. [Tries to position his machete to receive his hand] Just hold it. I'm totally gonna do it. You love me now, right?
Todd (VO): Okay, now there's the other thing. I mean, yeah, I know he doesn't actually think that she's totally evil, he's just guilt-tripping her into giving him more attention. Does he actually expect that to work? You wanted her to love you more, so you talk about catching a grenade for her. Yeah. I hate to say it, but so what? Giving your life for someone is romantic in, like, an abstract sense, but no girl wants a guy to actually do that in reality, and they certainly don't want a guy to be constantly talking about it.
Todd: You know, I wasn't really sure how I felt about him, then he told me he'd get hit by a train, and the thought of his bloody, battered corpse smeared all over the tracks...oh, God, my heart just melted.
Todd (VO): I mean, that's why you don't see him actually blowing himself up in the video—because it'd look ridiculous. All he's doing is pulling a piano. See, that's a much better thing to do. I'd pull a piano for you. Now there's a song.
Todd: You ever try and move one of these things? They're heavy. Who wouldn't be touched by a gesture like that. [Long pause] Well, I think it'd be romantic.
Todd (VO): So yeah, his claims of sacrifice are more than a little overheated and ludicrous, but he really doesn't help his case when he starts...
Todd: Well, let's say that his demands are a little...high?
- Bruno: To give me all your love is all I ever asked
Todd: [sobbing] All I want is for you to spend every waking moment thinking of me and worshiping the ground I walk on! Is that so much to ask, you heartless, soul-eating harpy?!
Todd (VO): Oh, that's not all he wants from her. What does he really want?
- Bruno: ...straight through my brain
- Yes, I would die for you, baby
- But you won't do the same
Todd: [taken aback] Holy shit, dude.
- Bruno: But you won't do the same
Todd (VO): Okay, this is where the song officially takes a turn for the WTF for me. I mean...whoa-ho-ho, mammy. Whoa. Let's back this one up. I mean, there's getting emotional and then there's [Photo from Thelma & Louise showing...] driving off the insanity cliffs, and that's where we're at right now. Offering to give your life for someone, that's nice; but...
Todd: ...demanding someone else die for you too? I...is this what you really want? You need someone to take a bullet for you? Are you sure a girlfriend is even what you're looking for? I think what you're looking for is [shot from Metalocalypse featuring Nathan Explosion and...] a double, and...um... [Photo of Bruno] yeah, I don't know if you're gonna be able to find one of those either. [Picture of...] Janelle Monae, maybe? It's a thought.
- Bruno: I'd jump in front of a train for ya
Todd (VO): Every time I hear it, the more and more...unhinged it sounds. I mean, it's not hard to imagine this happening in a secluded cabin where she's handcuffed to a post. And when he says he'd go through all this pain, he's demonstrating it by cutting into his own arm.
Todd: I'm not the only one that hears this, right? I mean, maybe that's a little extreme, but what it reminds me of most is this guy I knew named DL, who got really upset that a girl wasn't paying enough attention, so he started crying and smashing beer bottles over his head. Yeah, he's not allowed back in here. Ugh, and the blood.
Todd (VO): Like I said, we all feel neglected sometimes, but this song is so obnoxious and mean that I can't put myself in this position. I mean, I can't...I don't get it.
Todd: Well, I do get it. I don't like it. I can't groove with this when my sympathies are entirely with the other person this guy is singing at. Well, you remember...
- Video for...
Todd (VO): Alanis Morissette and "You Oughta Know," right? The one where she starts ranting over the phone at a guy who dumped her. I never liked that song. And I know a lot of people did. Maybe you thought she was justified, and maybe you thought the idea of it all was awesome. I ask you this—did any of you think, "gosh, what a sweet young thing. I bet Dave Coulier's really kicking himself for letting that one get away."
Todd: No, he probably doesn't regret a thing, and I always felt he made the right decision too. So I always felt more for him, and that's how I feel about this, and for that reason, I find this song pretty difficult to try and sing along with. Well, difficult for more reasons than the obvious, I mean.
[Rear view of Todd at his piano, playing the song and trying to sing it in a strained voice]
I'd catch a grenade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
Yeah, it's a...it's a little out of my range.
Todd (VO): The psychology of this song is just so painfully high-school. It's nothing but wild accusations and overly dramatic metaphors. If he'd been a little more specific about what she'd done to him, I'd maybe have more patience for him. I mean, why are we supposed to believe that she's as bad as he says she is?
- Bruno: Should've known you was trouble
- From the first kiss
- Had your eyes wide open
- Why were they open?
Todd: [stuffy British accent] My word, Holmes. You've cracked the case.
Todd (VO): It's the piece of evidence that makes it all come together. Why were her eyes open...
Todd: ...unless she were the vilest of harlots? Clearly, this is all the proof we need that this woman is the most evil woman... [normal voice] what the hell are you talking about, Bruno?! And wait a minute!
Todd (VO): How would you know her eyes were open if your eyes weren't open, you idiot?! God, he's like a little kid.
Todd: Mommy, Billy had his eyes open when we were saying grace. This song is so stupidly melodramatic right down to the little "ooh" at the end of the line.
- Bruno: Why were they open? (Ooh)
Todd (VO): Her eyes were open! Ooh! Oh, my God! And furthermore, I just don't believe the guy means what he says. He loved her so much he'd jump in front of a train? Bullshit. He doesn't even love her enough not to call her a crazy demon murderess to her face.
Todd: I could maybe deal with this if it were just sad and dark and quiet, but it's so over-the-top and whiny in all the wrong ways.
- Brief clip of Simple Plan - "Untitled"
Todd (VO): Simple Plan probably listened to this and giggled themselves about how emo this guy this.
Todd: I just don't have the patience for this narrator and his ridiculous death wish fetish. Matter of fact, I don't even know why he's complaining that she abuses him when that's clearly what he wants.
- Bruno: Beat me 'til I'm numb
Todd (VO): Oh, my God, yeah, beat me 'til I'm numb. Oh more, more please.
- Bruno: Ooh, you'd never do the same
- Oh, no no no
Todd: It's a bad song. But like I said, the guy strikes me as very talented and I've certainly covered worse songs on here. I just don't think Bruno Mars thought through the implications of this song very well. I'm sure this is just a temporary bump in what's going to be a very respectable career. His next song will probably be a lot better. Matter of fact, I think he's already released the next single. Let's listen to that.
- Video for "The Lazy Song" (studio session)
- Bruno: Today I don't feel like doing anything
- I just wanna lay in my bed
Todd (VO): This is... wait a minute.
Todd: This is a "white guy with acoustic guitar" song!
- Bruno: ...lounging on the couch, just chillin' in my Snuggie
Todd (VO): Oh no. Oh, hell no, Bro-no Mars. I've had enough Jason Mraz in my lifetime, thank you. We're not doing this.
Todd: Oh, you'd catch a grenade for me, huh? [Pulls out a grenade] Prove it! [Pulls out the pin, drops it, and runs off] Cover!
- Bruno: Today I don’t feel like doing anything
- I just...
- [Atomic bomb explosion]
Closing tag song: Prince - "I Would Die 4 U"
THE END
"Grenade" is owned by Elektra Records
This video is owned by me