And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Guardians of the Galaxy."
(wearing Star Lord mask) ...I am Bum Lord, and this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life.
(tries taking mask off) Okay, hold on... No, son of a-- No, no, come on! (punches self, cut to black)
(reappears with mask up and rubs face) Spoilers... Ow!
There's this guy named Andy from "Parks and Recreation."
Oh boy, I love this show! This movie's gonna be so funny!
And it opens with his mother dying of cancer.
(long pause) ...Eh, I think I got the wrong movie.
And the mother is dying, and she's holding out her hand, and she's like, "Take my hand, son."
And he's like, "No! No! I'm too afraid!"
And then she dies, leaving this horrible, crippling feeling to scar him for life.
And he runs out into the forest saying, "Oh God, my mother is dead!"
I'm sorry, isn't this the movie with the giant talking tree and the spaceships and the green ladies?
"Mommy is dead! Mommy is dead!"
Did I confuse this with "Fault in Our Stars"? Now that I think about it, they do have similar titles.
But then a spaceship comes down and abducts him.
And the boy is like, "Where are you taking me?"
"To Bullshit Land, where aliens want to take over the world and stuff!"
"Boy, these two things really don't go together. You sure I'm not like making up an alternate reality to deal with the crisis of losing my mother?"
"I don't know, but thousands of forum conspiracists thank you!"
(waves) "You're welcome, guys!"
So, years later, Andy turns into a really beefed up super-thief.
No, seriously, really beefed up. Like, I don't know what this guy did, but he killed a wizard and somehow used his magic to get Arnold Schwarzenegger's body.
The old Schwarzenegger, not the deflating balloon Schwarzenegger.
And he's captured by an evil villain named Ronan.
You see, Ronan was in talks with this peace treaty, but his people got screwed, and so him and his daughters try to take over the treaty by going over to Thanos, the evil lord of all who's gonna use all his power to--
I couldn't give a crap either.
'Cause there's a talking raccoon in the movie!
I mean, okay, most times when I see a movie, there's a talking raccoon.
And if there isn't one when you see a movie, pssh, you gotta get off that sobriety, man.
Try this new stuff on the street. It's called Talking Raccoonamine. It usually helps you see talking horses.
And he's teamed up with... Oh, I forget the guy's name.
He's a giant tree, he doesn't say that much...
Except for that one phrase. What was it again?
Oh yes, "I'm Batman!"
And they run into green Uhura.
You know, being in Hollywood, it's only a matter of time before she went green. But the-- (Crowd laughter interrupts him and he waits patiently) But there's this orb that they're all trying to get!
But sadly, trying to get it gets all of them captured!
Which kind of happens a lot in this movie.
You could call it "Capture: The Movie."
Oh wait, that was the trailer for "50 Shades of Grey."
Which didn't look nearly as colorful as I thought, by the way!
But the raccoon has a plan. He's like, "I've escaped out of dozens of prisons dozens of times!"
"Really? Well, they have your background record. Why didn't they put you in stronger confinement?"
"I'm a talking raccoon in an action movie! That's your biggest question?!"
"I apologize, talking raccoon. I never should have questioned your awesomeness in existing."
"Hey, can you sing 'Run With Us' from that Canadian cartoon?"
"How does everybody somehow remember that?!"
But they come across this other guy called grey The Thing.
And they're like, "What's he thrown in here for?"
"Never wearing a shirt."
"Ah, he has Jacob-itis."
"I do not!"
"Dude, it was just a metaphor."
"For some reason, my species cannot understand metaphors."
"Oh, so you're like the conservative south."
"That was awfully one-sided! Make a joke about the liberal left immediately!"
"I would, but they're already protesting the joke I haven't even made yet."
So they manage to break out of the prison.
But grey The Thing calls Ronan directly to him so he can get revenge!
Why does he think he can get revenge even though there's an entire army trying to stop him?
Who cares? There's a talking raccoon!
"His novelty's not going away anytime soon."
So green Uhura gets blown up and is drifting in space.
And Star Andy goes out and gives her his mask and... Somehow, neither of their eyes explode and...explode.
"Admit it, you're impressed you're taking me seriously."
And they get picked up by blue Darryl's brother.
"As the annoying voice redneck who never learns, I'm gonna kill you."
"Okay, but don't."
So Ronan steals the orb from the Collector.
A person who collects all sorts of weird light from the universe.
- I* collected weird light from the universe once!
Until they collected me and did experiments... (shivers)
So Ronan's gonna use the orb to destroy all life because...clearly no other Marvel villain would ever wanna do that.
Can't one of these villains just want to open up a bakery?
An evil bakery?
So our heroes are like, "I have a plan to defeat him, but it'll mean certain death for all of us."
"Which of course is code for maybe one of us."
"I vote Tree Beard!"
"Me tree! (looks at camera) See what I did there?"
So Ronan's giant ship is coming down to destroy the city.
So there's only one thing to do: Put all the ships on the bottom and play "Space Invaders"!
(pretends to shoot up) "No no, don't shoot where they are! Shoot where they're going to be!"
But Andy Lord gets the orb away from Ronan, and yet somehow it doesn't kill him. Why?
Oh look, a sequel!
So "Guardians of the Galaxy" was a lot of fun, even though I had no idea what was going on.
I'm just glad that when I said, "Look, a talking raccoon!", somebody knew what I was talking about!
Maybe people will finally see my talking iguana!
(holds out arm) Close us out, talking iguana! (long pause) ...Woah, he didn't mean that.
(with mask on) This is Bum Lord saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! AW c'mon, help a Bum Lord out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, if you give me the money, I promise it'll go to keeping Howard the Duck out of the next one.