NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.
Camera pan of the scene around him NC (voiceover): I'm here in Oak Park, Illinois, where we are witnessing the largest gathering in Illinois--if not the United States!--of Harry Potter fans, who have all gathered here together to celebrate the release of the new Harry Potter book, (normal) Harry Potter and the Dorky Hollows. Ah ah, Deadly Hallows. (vo) Literally thousands of children, parents, and very lonely adults have come out here to see (normal) what J.K. Rowling has farted up this time.
Harry Potter: Exactly.
NC: Now I know what you're thinking: "How is this a Nostalgic event?" Well when you think about it, there's actually a lot of Nostalgia value here.
NC (vo): Years from now, children are gonna be looking back at this cherished day and be asking one question:
NC: "Why did I wait hours in line for a book that I am most likely gonna sell at a garage sale?"
Montage of scenes of the event NC (speaking to an employee): Alright, so what exactly is your job here tonight?
Employee: Making sure everyone is in the right line, at the right place and nobody's fighting over their spot.
NC: Have any brawls/fights broken out yet?
Employee: We've had, um, arguments.
NC: No I mean like brawls-
Employee: No brawls, no fists, no, no fists.
NC: You haven't had to break out the Harry bats?
Employee: No, no, no Harry batter.
NC (shocked): Do you have Harry bats?
Employee: I hope not...
Short scene NC (in front of an event item stand): They actually have a "Potter's Butter Beer." Because nothing celebrates the release of a children's book like getting plastered off your ass.
Short scene Adult Fan: This is Griff, this is a baby griffon. It's actually my daughter's.
NC: That's your daughter?!
Adult Fan: No no no, this is not my daughter.
NC: Oh, okay. I was gonna say, cause the father must've...hahaha, yeah.
Adult Fan: Well, uh, we won't go into that.
Hagrid: You're meddlin' in things that ought not to be meddled in!
NC: So does he bite at all?
Adult Fan: Oh no no no. He's young.
NC (putting his finger into Griff's mouth): OWOWOWOW!
Montage NC: Everybody's dressed up here.
NC (vo): I haven't seen so many wizards and fairies (normal) since last year's Gay Pride Parade.
NC (talking to Harry Potter Look-Alike): Now there's a rumor going around that you're actually the son of Mary Poppins and Where's Waldo, what do you think about that?
Harry Potter: SHUT UP!
NC (vo): This is a very exciting stage production that they're doing, it's called, uh, (normal) "Harry Potter and the Winding Up of the Electric Cord." (vo) As you can see... (normal) he's a method actor.
Snape: Fame isn't everything.
NC (talking to a dressed-up fan): Now I gotta ask you, um, what poor sheep died to give you that beard?
NC: I have some Harry Potter Jelly Beans.
NC (vo): The funny thing about Harry Potter jelly beans (normal) is that, I'm not kidding, (vo) there's a vomit flavored bean in here. (normal) Which I find kinda ironic 'cause really eating any of these jelly beans creates kind of a vomiting sensation. Eats some jelly beans, gets sick
Hagrid: Looks like he's gonna be sick! NC pretends to vomit into his hat
NC (talking to bearded fan again): Okay, what bathroom rug gave up its life to give you that beard?
NC: Alright, so I'm here with the very first people in line for the Harry Potter book, now how long have you guys been here?
Teenaged fan: Technically we weren't in line until 11:00.
NC: It's 11:13...
Teenaged fan: Yeah.
Teenaged fan: How long have you been in line?
NC: I just got here.
Teenaged fan: Uh-huh, well you call yourself a Harry Potter fan?
NC: No, I don't! Frodo would kick Harry's ass.
NC (coming across a man dressed as a wizard): GANDALF! Thank God! Look, these Harry Potter people are a little WOOHOO! How's it going, how's Frodo?
Gandalf: He's doing very well, very well.
NC: How's him and Sam? How's the...you know, you saw the movie. Come on, him and Sam were...
Gandalf: He's in the Grey Haven.
NC: Is that what they're calling it, the Grey Havens?
Gandalf: Yeah, one fantasy land's another fantasy land.
NC: Did Gandalf wear glasses?
Hagrid: No more questions!
NC (back with "first fans"): I have to admit, I admire you that you'd wait here for a whole...you know, 13 minutes.
Teenaged fan: Hey!
NC: But unfortunately this spot WAS reserved... by me.
Teenaged fan: I will kill you.
NC: Yeah, I'm just gonna sit here, alright... first one to get the book! Oh what're they gonna do, does he have a wand? Is he gonna turn me into a toad?
Teenaged fan: No, he has a gun.
NC: He has a GUN? Yeah, let's go before he shoots us. He runs away as the Road Runner sound effects play
NC: I'm here at the end of the line for the Harry Potter book. These are the four unfortunate people who will most likely NOT get a book, because they are the last in line. (addressing closest fan to him) But you're very lucky, 'cause I have something special for you, these are Harry Potter Cliffnotes. Now they usually go for a thousand, but you know, I like you guys, you look very straightforward, so I'll give them to you for $2,000 and, uh, your first born child. ...alright, alright, second born child. one of the fans hands him a dollar NC: I'll take it. Takes the dollar and hands them the envelope NC: SUCKERS! NC runs away to Benny Hill theme
NC: Alright, so I'm here with the Mugglenet.com people, am I right, you guys talk about all sorts of theories and conspiracy theories about Harry Potter and so on, so forth, correct?
Mugglenet Rep: That's right.
NC: Did Harry cause 9/11?
Mugglenet Rep: I think so...
NC: Is he responsible for the war in Iraq?
Mugglenet Rep 2: Fred Phelps would tell you that. (laughs)
NC: That means yes, that means yes, Harry caused the war in Iraq, email--that address, right there--email it to him, send angry letters.
Mugglenet Rep: You're putting words in his mouth, sir.
NC: Am I? Wait, get a shot of his mouth. Uses hand to control Rep 2's mouth Mugglenet Rep 2 (controlled by NC): Harry caused the war in Iraq!
NC: See, you heard it right here, you heard it right here.
Mugglenet Rep: Are those Deathly Hallows Cliffnotes?
NC: Yeah, they're Cliffnotes. You want 'em? I'll sell 'em to you for a thousand...pennies.
Mugglenet Rep: That's a good deal dude, that's a good deal.
Hagrid: It's top secret, that is.
NC: Well it's just about 10 minutes until the books are about to be released, let's go look at the lines!
Montage of the lines NC: That was the line for the books that were NOT reserved. This is the line for the books that ARE. Montage of an even more ridiculous line while the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme plays NC: It's like 10 times longer! I mean what the hell...IT'S RESERVED! Isn't that the idea of reserving a book, so you don't HAVE to stand in line? Is that some kind of like Hogwarts logic, I mean it makes no sense! I think it's because Americans are proud of waiting in line. I don't know why, we just get a sick thrill out of it. Standing in one spot is not hard. Anyone can do it. *I* can do it! Watch! ...You see? Now gimme a book.
NC (talking through a window to a bookstore employee): Ten minutes! Ten minutes! Come on, eight, eight minutes! In Hogwarts it's 12:00!
Kilt Man: Exactly.
NC: "Exactly." This coming from a man in a skirt.
Someone offscreen: It's not a skirt! It's a kilt!
NC: Actually, what are you? What are you dressed as?
Kilt man: This is my normal wear.
NC (horrified): I apologize from everyone in America. My brain sometimes just dies on me. Stupid white American! (nervous laughter) I don't know anything. Just don't...uh...don't... NC runs away to Benny Hill Theme
Hagrid: I shouldn't have said that...
NC: Alright, it's two minutes till the Harry Potter book, I don't know if there's anything really to be excited about... The crowd roars behind him NC: They seem to be excited. We'll just see how it goes.
Mugglenet Rep (on megaphone): One minute now.
NC: One minute. Cut to the crowd counting down the last 10 seconds; NC begins screeching like a little girl, along with the crowd, getting so riled up he strips off his NC jacket, hat and tie
Hermione: That's totally barbaric!
NC (vo): Well, first of all I apologize for the reaction I had before, I was just (normal) vocalizing my disgust for the entire thing, it's just totally revolting but, uh, here it is! Here's the copy, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Man, I'm looking forward to hundreds and hundreds of pages to see how this turns- He simply opens to the back of the book NC: He lives. $30 wasted, I'm goin' to Hooters.