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And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing to Harry Potter theme) Doo doo doo doo doo doo spoilers...
There's this boy named Harry Potter.
And everybody agrees that he's the world's most special little boy.
In that everybody who knows him dies!
Seriously, don't get close to this kid! You will perish!
Bloodily, I might add!
And he accompanied by his two friends, Hermaphrodite and Ron Weasel.
Or, as I like to call them, Cocktease and Wimp.
And they have to make it back to the school of Hogwhat.
Because they're afraid that it's gonna be under attack by this man with no nose!
Insert Michael Jackson joke and wait for laugh track. (Laugh track plays)
But it turns out Hogwhat is taken over by that British a-hole who always plays a British a-hole.
And he's like, "Anyone who knows where Harry Potter is stand forward."
And Potter is like, "Well, I'm Harry Potter. Does that count?"
"Yes, I suppose that would- Whaaaaaa??"
But then the nun from "Sister Act" comes in and whips that wizard's ass!
"School's out forever!" (Waves wand to simulate spell, making him fall)
But then the British a-hole goes and tells the man with no nose.
And the man with no nose is like, (swaying) "Bring me Harry Potter!"
"Why do you want Harry Potter?"
"Because someone has to know how to hold me still. Haaahh."
But the nun from "Sister Act" sends out a bunch of knights' armor to fight them!
(marching) "Cha joon na ma choi te ze-"
(clears throat) "Ahem!"
"I mean, oh we oh, we ohhh-"
(clears throat) "AHEM!"
(singing Harry Potter theme) "I mean, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo..."
(nods and points, looking satisfied)
And then there's this big action scene, just like "Return of the King"!
Actually... I'm tired of people saying this is ripping off a whole bunch of other fantasy movies!
Just because there's a great big action scene in this castle-looking place with giant trolls and even some giant spiders...
There's an afterlife scene with a wizard with a long beard and white robe, and they have to destroy an object in order to destroy the main villain... (Goes to say more, then pauses) ...I totally forgot where I was going with this.
So, as all the wizards are fighting away all the bad guys, No Nose goes to that British a-hole!
(poofs in) "Hello."
"I need your wand."
"To kill Harry Potter."
"And I need to kill you."
"Are you happy to hear that?"
"Eat magic!" (Points and mimics getting hit)
(while falling) "Oh, I'm bad at this!"
So Harry Potter is like, "You really were a British a-hole!"
"No, it's not true. I just tried to sleep with your mother."
"And help your enemy, Malfoy."
"By killing Dumbledore!"
(gasps even more)
"You're right - I am an a-hole." (dies)
But Harry Potter takes his tears and puts it in a magic toilet of history.
And he sees that he...was a British a-hole, just not that big of a British a-hole!
I was a British a-hole once!
My father's Simon Cowell!
Please, Daddy! Stop critiquing my messages to take me back!
So Harry Potter finally says, "If I'm going to kill you, No Nose, you have to kill me!"
"Okay." (Points and mimics getting hit)
(while falling) "Oh, I'm bad at this too!"
So Harry ends up in this really white train station.
Must be Arkansa.
And a person in a long white beard and white cloak stands before him.
"Gandalf the White?"
"That guy from 'Clean Slate'?"
"You saw that??"
And Harry Potter is like, "Am I dead?"
"No, Harry. Because he killed you, a little bit of him died, but a little bit of you didn't die, and it just sort of went to this weird place. I don't know why a little bit of you didn't die, but I guess there's a lot of you to go around. It's a popular franchise."
"That makes no friggin' sense."
"Just wrap up the movie."
So Harry and No Nose start shooting their beams at each other. (mimics this)
And one lets out a red beam and the other lets out a green beam.
Just like that Internet movie that came out recently!
"Suburban Kites" I think it was called.
But then, suddenly, No Nose gets really weak!
"Ohhhh! Somebody injured my little snake!" (awkward pause) "...I'm dead now." (dies)
So we then cut to 19 years later, where now Harry Potter has become Baldy Potter.
And it turns out he's sending his little one to Hogwhats too.
...Are you nuts!?
This is the worst school in the world! Like, what's the fatality rate up to?!
Where are they even getting their funding from - the men in black?
If I thought back to the most traumatic experience where all my friends died, I wouldn't be like, "Yeah. I want my kid to go through that."
This is a horrible school! It'd be shut down in a week!
But the movie was all sorts of awesome.
It had everything: Magic, spiders...aborted No Nose people under benches.
It was awesome!
So I have to admit, I'm really gonna miss the fact that I have no more Harry Potter movies to look forward to.
But it's okay. There's something just as equally good coming out this summer.
Anyone in the mood for "Twilight"?!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll help make another Harry Potter movie! "Harry Potter and the Curse of the Therapy Bills".