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Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1."


Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

There's a-- (He pauses and notices a piece of paper in his hand which is for Daisho Con 2010.)

OH MY GOD, I'm at a con!

(He leaves his room and wanders down to the con, looking around in amazement - line may be incorrect) Holy smokes, look at that! I mean, don't have what that is! (He then sees Lester B. Bum) Lester!


Lester:

Chester!


Both:

(They hug) Heeeeeyyy!


Chester:

Hey! I'm gonna do a Bum review! You wanna do it with me?


Lester:

Sure!


Both:

HOORAY!


Chester:

(As they walk down the hall...) Hey everybody! If you wanna be in a Bum review, come with us! If you wanna be in the video, come with us!


Lester:

Hang out with the bums! (They continue walking, bringing together a crowd) Oh my God!


Chester:

Oh my God!


Lester:

Oh MY God!


Chester:

I think our gods are the same.

(They find a good spot) Gather around, people! Gather around! (He speaks to the crowd) Alright, everybody! You have all come here to be part of a Bum review! It's okay to be afraid! Many of you may not be coming back! (Crowd laughs) Now look to the person left to you! (Everyone does) They will most likely die! (Yells at someone) Your other left!

But by God, with some courage, and of course some CHANGE, we can make this--


Lester:

(Holds up cup) CHANGE!


Chester:

Stop it! We can make this the greatest Bum review ever! (Everyone cheers with Chester)

Expecto Pa-- (With Lester and crowd as word pops on-screen) SPOILERS!

There's this kid called Harry Potter. I-- (Looks around) We need a Harry Potter. Who wants to be Harry Potter?


"Harry Potter aka Guy with goggles":

(Raises hand) I do!


Chester:

You do! You do! (Pulls him up front)


Lester:

You're Harry Potter!


Chester:

You've got big, weird glasses. Okay! (Points at him) This is Harry Potter! He's...grown a lot, just like the real movie! And he is going to school...


Lester:

No, no, no! He's not going to school in this one!


Chester:

He's not?! W-W-Why not?


Lester:

...Run! (Everyone mimes running while screaming)


Chester:

Wait a minute! Why are we running?


Lester:

'Cause someone's trying to kill him!


Chester:

But something's always trying to kill him! This isn't anything new.


Lester:

Run! (Everyone mimes running while screaming again)

And he decides to hide himself in the safest place there is! A wedding! (Everyone waltzes with each other)


Chester:

Run! (Everyone mimes running while screaming...again)

And then this girl named Hermaphrodite--


"Harry Potter":

(Looks at him) Hermione.


Chester:

No, I'm pretty sure it's Hermaphrodite.


Lester:

I thought was Hermworm.


Chester:

...Hermaphrodorf! Wait, we need a Hermaphrodorf! Who wants to be a Hermaphrodorf? (He finds a girl) You! You will be Hermaphrodorf! (Brings her forward, then pauses) Wait, we don't need you for this scene. Go away. Go away. Wait! Yes we do! Come back, come back, come back.

We also need parents of Hermaphrodorf. Who wants to be the parents? (Selects a girl) You! Yes, 'cause you look very alike! (Selects a guy) You! Yes, you will be the parents as well!

Hermaphrodorf actually erases the memory of her parents so that she can save them!


"Hermaphrodorf":

(Points at her "parents") Poof! Poof!


Lester:

That's kind of weird. Don't they have friends who remember Hermaphrodorf?


Chester:

Yeah, that's true! I mean, is it like--


Random guy:

Hey guys! How's your daughter, Hermaphrodorf? ("Parents" shrug and look at each other, confused)


Chester:

(Pops up behind them) They don't know!


"Hermaphrodorf's Dad":

We just like to keep photos of blank walls.


Chester:

But then the wizard Nazis are taking over!

Abraca-- (everyone) HEIL! (Everyone makes "Heil Hitler" salute)


Lester:

So then, Harry and Hermaphrodorfa--(gibberish) have to go find a BFF necklace that will stop Voldemort!


Chester:

So then all of them decide to drink this magic potion to turn them into somebody else! (Drinks and collapses)


"Fake Chester":

(Pops up) HOORAY!


Chester:

And then Ron Weasley gets to make out with an older lady! (looks around) Who wants to be Ron Weasley? (He finds a nerdy-looking guy) Come on, come on, come on. You look Weasley enough. (looks around) Who wants to be the old lady? (Selects a girl) Okay! Let's get you in there! Alright...

Tentacus dropakiss! ("Ron" and the "old lady" pretend to make out) Yes! And he makes out with the older lady and... You can stop now. (They keep going) Stop! That's disgusting! Stop it! Stop it! (He breaks them apart.)


Lester:

This is a kids' movie!


Chester:

But then something very unexpected happens...


Lester:

Run! (Everyone mimes running while screaming...yet again)


Chester:

Wait a minute! This movie is seeming a lot like that other fantasy films where there's nothing but walking and magic. Uh... Lord of the Things!


Lester:

Lord of the Flies!


Chester:

Oh, that's right. That's right.


Lester:

No, no, no, no, no! This is a completely different movie! Now, let's talk about the evil magic jewelery that turns people into jerks.


Chester:

Oh, okay! (looks around) Who wants to be the evil piece of jewelery? (Guy says "I do!") Wow! Okay!

(Looks at "Ron Weasley" and gestures to "evil jewelery) Alright, now wear him! ("Ron" puts the "jewelery's" arm around his neck) Oh, you wear him so well!


Lester:

I think he got that at Tiffany's!


Chester:

So then Weasley is like ("Ron" mimes talking), "I'm tired of you! I want you to choose right now, Hermaphrodorf! Are you on Team Potter or Team Weasley?"

And Hermaphrodorf is like ("Hermaphrodorf mimes talking), "I have to choose Team Potter because his name is in the title!"

("Ron" mimes talking again) "Screw you guys! I'mma going home!" ("Ron" takes off "evil jewelery")


Lester:

Then, to relieve the tension, Harry and Hermaphrodorf have a dance scene! (The bums control "Harry" and "Hermaphrodorf's" dancing.)


Chester:

C'mon, look into each other's eyes! (Lester continues their dancing) That's about it. It was a weird scene.


Lester:

Run! (Everyone mimes running while screaming...yes, AGAIN)


Chester:

So then they come across this sword in the water. I guess the lady in the lake is renovating?


Lester:

Look, just because some moistened bit (?) lobbed a scimitar at me doesn't mean it's some redegiment form of government!


Chester:

But then Weasley comes back! ("Ron" pops up as everyone shouts "HOORAY!") But then, for some very confusing reason, he has to fight the most evilest thing he can think of! A naked Harry and Hermaphrodorf making out! (He and Lester look at "Harry" and "Hermaphrodorf") ...Come on! (They pretend to make out) I said naked!


Lester:

That (?) means we have to do this ourselves!


Chester:

Alright! (They pretend to make out)


Both:

You know, for kids! (Point to a guy's 4Kids tattoo)


Lester:

Then they go visit an old hippie wizard who lives in a shoe!


Chester:

(looks around) Who wants to be the old hippie wizard who lives in a shoe? Oh God, you all look like old hippie wizards who live in a shoe! (Selects a girl) Let's do you. Let's mix it up a bit.

So then he...she...it tells them about the deathly hallows!

("Wizard" mimes talking) "I'm going to tell you about the deathly hallows! Once upon a time, there's a man named Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman that tried to kill him! The End!"


Everyone:

HOORAY!


Lester:

Run! (...Yep, everyone mimes running while screaming)


Chester:

But then, to get a proper disguise, they decide to make Harry hype up the ugly! Well, let's make him ugly. (He and Lester start punching "Harry")

So then they come across a witch named Benedrix... Sounds like a medicine.

(Looks around) Who wants to be Benedrix? (Selects a guy) You! You look like Helen Bonham Carter!

And she's like ("Benedrix" mimes talking), "I can't tell if you're the real Harry Potter, even though you're the exact same height and have the exact same voice!"


Lester:

("Harry" mimes talking) "It's not me."


Chester:

("Benedrix" mimes talking) "Okay!"


Lester:

But then Dobbsy comes in to whip some mystical ass!


Chester:

Okay, who wants to be Dobby? (A bunch of people raise their hands) I can't believe how many of you wanna be Dobby! Did you see the movie? (He ends up selecting a girl.)

("Dobby" mimes talking) "Dobby will not let you have Harry Potter! Rah!"

And then there's this great big fight scene! (Everyone slow-mo punches each other and a "gun" is fired.)

But then Dobby makes everybody disappear!


"Dobby" (and everyone):

Poof! (Snaps fingers, all disappearing) Poof! (Chester reappears)


Chester:

Forgot my change.


"Dobby" (and everyone):

Poof! (Chester disappears)


Chester:

But then, Helen A. Beatrix Carter throws a knife at them!

("Beatrix" mimes talking and throwing knife) "Die!"

(The "knife" spins through the air to "whooshing" sounds.)

Then they arrive at a different place!


Everyone:

Poof! (appear) HOORAY! (They all see "Dobby" has been stabbed) Awwwww!


Chester:

OH MY GOD, the one character that everybody hated in the movies and only made like one appearance is dying! I'm so sad! Awwwww! (Everyone "awws" with him.)

Hey, uh, Harry Potter movies? (With Lester) LIGHTEN UP!

I mean, you remember the first film? It was like all whimsical and ooh, gonna turn him into a toad, hahaha! And now everybody's dying and getting slashed up and dead!


Lester:

But it's okay! It has a happy ending!


Chester:

Voldemort goes to the courts of Gandalf to do...God knows what.


Lester:

But then he finds this magic wand! (He notices he's not holding anything and takes a straw from someone.)


Both:

I have the power! (Hold up straw)


Chester:

And that's the end of the movie. Hm, weird place to end it, huh? That's like seven books and there's only one more book, right? And this is that book. Y-You'd think they'd complete it a little bit more, and they'd have a little bit more of a conclusion, but no.


Lester:

(nods) Yeah! I guess that's...all what must've been in the book.


Chester:

Okay!


Everyone:

HOORAY!


Chester:

This is Chester and Lester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got-- (They realize their cups are gone and take people's hats, then everyone screams about wanting change.)


(Blooper at the end)


Lester:

Look, just because some moistened bit (?) lobs a scimitar at me doesn't mean that... I screwed up the line!


Chester:

Do it again! (Thwaps him)

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