Announcer: And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this kid called Harry Potter.
And he is a magicimatan!
And so, he goes to magiciman school to become a wizamater!
Oh, wait a minute. You wouldn't know that unless you saw the other films. Let me quickly sum them up for you.
I'm a wizard! Cool!
Something strange is going on, but I don't know what.
Something strange is going on, but I still don't know what.
Something strange is going on, (voice deepens) and I still don't know what.
Something strange is going on, and I don't know what.
All I can think about is girls!
And now we're on film six!
I don't care what's going on. I just need to get laid.
So, Harry goes back to wizamater school.
And he gets a textbook that used to belong to the half-blood prince!
What a coincidence!
Half of my blood is from the artist formerly known as Prince!
Though, you don't wanna know how I got it.
(whispers) He's really a vampire chihuahua.
So, Harry is trying to find out about this bad wizard called Voldemort.
Because Voldemort is hiring all these evil wizards to do his evil deeds!
Like kidnap people, burn down houses, and work for Fox News.
(shudders) Ooh, what some people will do!
So, Harry returns back to his school, and for some reason everything is dark and gray.
Are the movies just filmed in black and white now?
I remember in the first film everything was so bright and colorful.
And then, it's like the bad guy from Rainbow Brite came in and sucked out all the color!
We don't need Harry Potter! We need Rainbow Brite!
And all her multi-colored friends!
Which are, ironically, all white.
So, Harry is in love with Ron Weasley's sister.
Ron Weasley's sister is in love with some other boy.
Ron Weasley is in love with some other girl.
While Hermione is in love with Ron Weasley.
And some jock kid is in love with Hermione.
I'd say it's a love triangle, but it's more like a love octagon!
And yet somehow I'm still left out of it!
(sobs) How come nobody loves the bum?
...Oh yeah, that's why.
So, Harry finds out that Snape and Malfoy might be bad guys.
And I was like, ('gasps) "You mean the people who dress in black and do evil things are bad guys??"
What a shock!
Next you'll be telling me that Hitler had an attitude problem!
And then, Harry becomes extremely lucky, because he drinks this luck potion.
And I'm like, "Pfft! Yeah! Who hasn't seen 'Red Dwarf?!"
What? I brushed up on my United Kingdom sci-fi comedies. Doesn't everybody?"
So, Harry and this wizamater called Dumbledoofus go and try to find the trinket of Voldemort.
And they have to travel inside this big, scary cave.
Where Dumbledoofus has to drink all this potion!
And he's like, "If this liquid makes me act crazy, just force me to drink more."
That's what I say every time I enter a bar!
I must be a wizamater!
For example, I can make any drug disappear.
Smoke it, eat it, insert it. I don't care! I'll make it happen!
So, Dumbledoofus returns back to the school.
And.... How do I put this?
I don't want to give anything away, but, um... Umbledorf-day ies-day.
(sobs) Ugh-way an-ay agedy-tray!
And the kids are like, "Does this mean there's no school tomorrow?"
And it was the happiest "Harry Potter" ever!
Except the worst things possible happen.
Just like my life.
This is Chester A. Bum saying ANGE-CHAY?? Ya got ange-chay?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya-ay?! C'mon, ange-chay!
Can you at least pay for me to get Pig Latin lessons? Aw, I ow-blay.