May 22, 2012
(The Nostalgia Critic is reading a collection of the Boondocks, titled "Public Enemy No. 2" while eating a donut)
NC: Ha! He's so black! Secretary, what's my schedule like today?
(Cut to Chester A. Bum picking up a piece of paper)
Chester: Ah, well, Critic, you have a 5 o'clock manicure, a 3 o'clock threatening of a micronation in Wyoming, a 2 o'clock meeting with Todd in the Shadows to get both of your eyebrows waxed.
NC: Yeah, his eyebrows are looking a little weird.
Chester: And a 1 o'clock crossover with Diamanda Hagan.
NC: Uh, who?
Chester: She is one of the reviewers for the site.
NC: But I was told I was getting JesuOtaku this weekend.
Chester: No, you aren't.
NC: All right, *he puts his donut and book down* I know the drill. I act like I'm all angry that they interrupt my review, and go back and forth, and then we do the crossover. It's like clockwork. Anyway, if it's one of the women on the site, I'm sure I'm in for a nice looking piece of--
(Cut to Diamanda who shows up and is covered in white face paint with red streaks on the corners of her lips and on her right eye, Cut back to NC who is now scared)
NC: F-f-f-f-fuck!? (cowering in his chair for dear life) Good god! Oh, sweet Jesus, don't hurt me!
NC: Please, Mr. Joker, I'll do what you want, just don't harm me!
Diamanda: Critic, it's me. Diamanda.
NC: (he looks around a bit and then speaks) Oh my God, we're hiring people like you now? You look like the Crow if he was in Candy Land!
Diamanda: Well, hired, given the job under threats of gunpoint. Either way, I'm here.
NC: Dare I ask what kind of stuff you review?
Diamanda: Anything, really, so long as it inflicts a buttload of pain...or a painload of butts.
NC: You have a movie with one of these, oh scary one?
Diamanda: I have a movie with both!
(Clips of the movie play as NC and Diamanda talk about the movie)
Diamanda (vo): Based on the popular magazine of the same name, Heavy Metal combines science fiction stories and raunchy tales to create a cult masterpiece of cheesedom.
NC (vo): Why does it have a cult following?
Diamanda (vo): Some say it's for the writing, some say it's for the incredibly unique imagination and creativity into the designs, but most say it's for the boobies. (any shot of topless women is censored with a bar saying "Pervy Goodness") Lots and lots of boobies.
Diamanda: So, ready to journey into a world of perverted delights? (NC's still scared of her) Oh, get over it!
NC: Sorry! You look like what I saw when I said Bloody Mary three times!
(A shot of a starfield in space)
Diamanda (vo): We open with a starfield in space.
NC (vo): As opposed to a starfield somewhere else?
Diamanda (vo): Blow me.
NC (vo): We hear a mysterious voice explaining the all-generic evil of the all-generic universe. Tell me if you haven't heard this dialogue a million times in other movies.
Narrator: A shadow shall fall into the universe, and evil will grow in it's path, and death will come from the skies.
NC: (acting like the narrator) A...badness that will darken the light and shadow up the...evilly dark. Epic!
(A glowing green ball floats through space)
Diamanda (vo): Uh, look out for the title. (a loud thud is heard as the title of the movie comes into the scene.)
NC (as the green orb): Ohh, this is why I should never drink and drive while raining death from the skies.
Diamanda (vo): Over the credits, which reads like the cast of SCTV, we get... (a corvette is let out by a space shuttle as rocking music plays, while Diamanda mouths "what the fuck?")
NC: Holy shit, my testicles just exploded from the awesomeness of that clip! (two pops are heard and Critic has a wide grin on his face)
Diamanda (vo): But why the fuck is someone using a car? In space?
NC (vo): Okay, any questions with the words "car" and "space" in them quickly become invalid.
(The car enters the earth's atmosphere and then lands without a problem)
Diamanda (vo): But how is he steering it? Why isn't it burning up? How did it survive the impact?
NC (vo): What part of "car in space" do you not understand? Question invalid, enjoy the awesome.
Diamanda (vo): By the way, this is a form of animation known as rotoscoping, a somewhat controversial way of animating where they take a real life film, like people, and draw on them. But where most films ink and paint over their footage, this movie seems quite content with just lightly coating it with the remains of their milkshake. Extra points for having the guy look down mid-drop to make sure he's still aimed at the right planet.
NC (vo): So while he rides through the...corn fields of the desert, he meets up with his daughter.
(The girl comes downstairs to meet her astronaut father, Grimaldi)
Girl: What did you bring me?
Grimaldi: You'll see.
Diamanda (as Girl): Is it a bright, green, glowing ball of doom?
NC (as Grimaldi): Maybe.
Diamanda (vo): This guy's idea of driving home involves an orbital drop. He's clearly not sane. Look, he has the cold, dead eyes of an animated pedophile. I'm just saying if he doesn't get melted by macguffin soon,...(and he gets melted by the green orb)
NC (vo): Glinda is pissed! (then as Glinda) Do you want a good death, or a bad death?
Loc-Nar: I am the sum of all evils. Look carefully. My power infests all lives, all galaxies, all dimensions.
NC (as Loc-Nar): Even though I could clearly melt you like I did your father, I'd rather use you as a linking device for the following, pointless anthology of stories.
Diamanda (vo): And that's pretty much what happens. The green thing shows the girl, and by extension, us, the first of the stories, and we see the answer to a question that's haunted the minds of people since 1990: What would happen if a Captain Planet villain stopped trying to pollute the world and instead, spent their fortune on looking for shit?
NC (vo): They wouldn't make seemingly simple metal detectors much more complicated in design and use.
Diamanda (vo): Through using his cartoonishly huge, Ferngully-an digger and a slave army of bird jawas, he finds...the green glowy thing. (one of the aliens picks up the orb and gets melted for it, the next shot being of a futuristic New York) It's somehow taken to the New York of the future, even though it kinds of melts anyone who gets close to it.
NC (vo): Hey, New Yorkers are used to harming their bodies all the time. They know the drill.
Diamanda (vo): And the movie suddenly decides it wants to be a film noir.
(We now cut to the main character for this storry, Harry Canyon, a cabbie)
Harry (vo): My name's Harry Canyon. I drive a cab.
(While driving his current fare, a mohawked punk, the punk takes out a gun and points it at Harry)
Punk: Okay, sucker. Hand over your cash. Now! (Harry then flips a switch with his foot and presses it, causing a heat ray to burn the punk up until there's nothing left)
NC: Okay, do I really have to start a melting counter? (on the screen is a Melting Counter, currently at 3) There's more meltings here (showing all the meltings so far) than a rainy day at the Memorial Day Witch Barbecue!
(Cut to a museum showing an ad for The Loc-Nar, July 3-31)
Diamanda (vo): The green glowy thing is soon put on display at the museum, which makes perfect sense, (a man crashes through the glass door, and then dies) because if it's one thing museums are known for, it's exhibits that can kill people.
NC (vo): But oddly enough, it's gangsters who murder the founder of the killing gobstopper, and his daughter escapes to the cab driver's car.
Girl: Help me! Please! (the girl and the cab get away as the gangsters shoot at them with laser guns)
Diamanda: As usual for a woman who's father has just been murdered, she suddenly wants to have sex with someone. (as she unzips her dress, the Pervy Goodness censor bar shows up on her boobs, then the two have sex)
Harry (vo): I must have turned her on something fierce, cause this dame was going for broke.
NC (vo): (sarcastic) Nothing like that dead father, mobster tying, glowing ball of death rebound!
Diamanda: You know, I just don't see this working. She's just lost her dad! Why is she horny?
NC: It's a noir. Everyone's horny.
Diamanda: No, I'm gonna test this! I'm gonna kill some woman's father and see if she'll sleep with me! (she walks off the scene)
NC: You go outside?
NC (vo): She takes off in the middle of the night. Pfft, typical woman. Wham bam, thank you...sir. And later, we see the gangsters in the backseat of his cab. (one of the mobsters comes up from behind him with a knife)
Mobster: Where's the girl?
Harry: Aw, come on! (he's flipped the disintegrator cover when the boss says no)
Boss: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
NC: Oh no, he found my only weakness: asking politely!
NC (vo): Seriously, this story would be over in a blink, nay, a tap of a foot, but because he asks, he doesn't do it. You gotta give those New Yorkers credit, they are famously polite.
Boss: When you see her, tell her that time is running out.
NC (vo): So he meets up with the woman at the Statue of Liberty where he agrees to help her exchange the glowing ball with the gangsters, the exchange is made, and, oh, guess what happens? (the boss picks up the orb and gets melted for his troubles)
NC: I...(he points and the melting counter goes to 4) yeah, I still can't believe I need one of these.
Harry: Hey baby, we're rich!
Girl: I'm taking it all. (she takes out a gun from her boot) Pull over.
NC (vo): So the woman...really out of nowhere turns against the cabbie, which means of course...! (Harry pushes the button and she gets disintegrated. The Melting Counter goes up to 5.)
NC: Oh my God, movie, what is your beef?! Did the writer's mother die in a microwave or something!?
(Harry tosses the girl's gun in the backseat and resets the fare before driving off)
NC (vo): By the way, if you're wondering where the story goes from here, it doesn't! Yeah, that's the ending to this one! In any movie this would probably just be the intro, but Heavy Metal's philosophy is just when things are looking like a good setup for a story, never give 'em the story.
NC: It's like Philip Glass, the less he keeps your attention, the happier he is.
(Diamanda comes back into the scene)
Diamanda: I'm back!
NC: Hey, welcome back, I've been taking the reins of this review for a while now.
Diamanda: What did I miss?
NC: Two meltings. What happened to your eye?
Diamanda: Well, she, um, she sorta didn't want to sleep with me.
NC: Well, did she know you killed her dad?
Diamanda: Yeah, I did it in front of her.
NC: Pfft, you may just have to accept the fact we live in a very bizarre world.
(Back to the Loc-Nar and the girl from earlier, who's still cowering in fear at it)
Loc-Nar: I have chosen you because you posess power you do not yet understand. Look again.
NC (vo): We open our next story on a nerd named Den, who doesn't realize that a bright, green glowing meteorite might not be the smartest thing to pick up!
Den (vo): I figured tonight maybe I'd hit the jackpot. All I needed was a little juice. (a spark of electricity shoots from an instrument to the green orb, which then zaps Den through a vortex)
NC (vo): This sends him hurdling through space and time to the planet Mongo.
(Cut to Mongo from Blazing Saddles)
Mongo: Mongo only pawn in game of life.
(The next scene has Den transported to a temple somewhere on the planet)
Diamanda: You think we'd notice they have a hole in their planet?
(Den is now a bald, muscular man)
Den: No hair. (he checks out his muscles) Mmm, big.
NC (vo): Yes, may that large, muscular, and strangely aerodynamic body be a lesson to you.
NC: For now, you are (flexing) John Candy of Gor! (a fantasy novel is shown with John Candy's head put on the male's head, the book titled "John Candy of Gor" as "Riddle of Steel Riders of Doom" from Conan the Barbarian plays)
Den (vo): There was no way I was gonna walk around this place with my dork hanging out! (he reaches for a flag which he uses as a loincloth)
NC: I mean walking around an entire movie naked? Who do they think I am, a woman?
Diamanda: The random topless priestess orders the cultists to drown this random, topless woman. Course, Den rescues him and she instantly falls in love with him, because...she has tits. (more Pervy Goodness bars block the women's boobs)
Katherine: You saved my life. I have no reward to give you. If any part of me pleases your senses, I would give it to you. (the camera zooms in on her boobs, still censored) Willingly.
NC: John Candy of Gor likes your eyes. (he reaches in and mock pulls out an eye, making a woman scream) Hey, you're lucky I didn't like your breasts.
(Den and Katherine are kissing and begin to have sex)
NC (vo): So, how old was Den again? He looked and acted like he was about twelve. Is this...technically pedophilia? And more importantly, would the movie even care if it was? (as the two are making love, a henchman comes over)
Den (vo): There was only one problem. (looking up, Den sees the man to be an ape-like humanoid)
Diamanda (vo): I was just about to, you damn furry! They get taken to a local leader, the guy trying his best to impersonate Martin Clunes in the classic Dr. Who, Snakedance.
Ard: Guards, castrate him. (soldiers take out their weapons)
Diamanda (vo): I just noticed, this whole place is a bit humancentric. Both the leaders have been human, but their forces are either furries, (cut to the cultists) or guys with no heads. All this strikes me as a bit racist. And the Crab People (showing a picture of crabs) I rule with an iron fist agree.
Crabs: (forced) Yaay.
(Katherine is now in suspended animation under glass)
Diamanda: Because Kojak the Barbarian's girlfriend has been imprisioned in a glass case, he gets sent off to capture the green glowy thing from the priestess from earlier.
Norl: We're underneath the castle moat. (a couple of the animal guards talk to themselves)
Den: What are they saying?
Norl: They talk of the savage beast that prowls these catacombs with fierce hunger and sharp teeth. Six inches long. Sorry, (spacing his hands apart) Sixteen inches long.
NC (as Norl): Forgive me, poor attempt at penis joke.
Diamanda (vo): Kojak gets into the palace, is captured, and turns the evil priestess on so much, (one shot the priestess's robes are purple, the next shot they're red) they change colors between shots.
NC (vo): It happens.
(Den and the priestess have sex, the woman's body censored)
Diamanda (vo): Of course, they fuck. And while she's kept busy, Norl steels the glowy thing. So Kojak the Barbarian makes it back to the clearly evil guy's base, just in time to discover that he's clearly evil.
(Lightning strikes a chain that also strikes the orb the priestess and Ard are fighting for, that seemingly kills them)
Katherine: Where did they go?
Oxley (from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull): Into the space between spaces.
Katherine: You could have the power of Uluhtc. You could be ruler of all these people.
Den: Forget it. (Den and Katherine fly off into the sunset on a dragonfly)
NC (vo): With both sides' leaders dead, John Candy of Gor and his girlfriend leave on a giant dragonfly, safe in the knowledge that all those furries will probably kill each other in a massive orgy of bloodlust to take over as soon as they're over the horizon. End of pointless story number two.
(The next scene is at a space station)
Diamanda: Next story is set in a fucking massive space station that looks like the Odyssey from Ulysses 31, where someone's finally putting Zap Brannigan on trial, though for not stealing Captain Marvel's costume.
Captain Sternn: It's okay, Charlie, I got an angle.
Bailif: Call the first witness. (the witness is a rather nerdy guy who's toying with a familiar green orb)
Diamanda (vo): He provides a character witness, but...it doesn't go very well.
Hanover Fiste: Hanging's too good for him! (as he talks, he gets a bit taller and larger) Burning's too good for him! (now his shirt's tearing apart as he gets much more muscular) He should be torn into little bitsy pieces!
Fiste: Kill! (he slams the stand he was sitting in, completely hulked out)
NC: Well, I can tell this is gonna be very story-based!
Diamanda (vo): Soon as it turned to Law & Order: Avengers Unit, I'm pretty sure everyone forgot what the trial was originally all about.
NC (vo): I'm just disappointed we've gone twenty minutes without a melting.
(After the trial, Captain Sternn is paying someone)
Sternn: 35,000 zulex. (he's paying Hanover Fiste, still in hulk form) Thanks, Hanover. (Hanover then goes back down to human size)
Fiste: It's nothing, boss.
Sternn: Goodbye. (he then pulls a lever that drops Hanover out into space to die a screaming death as he drops his money, having burned up in the atmosphere by now, his burning hand still holding onto the orb)
Loc-Nar (vo): Very few escape my grasp, even in death.
(A B-17 bomber flies by)
NC (vo, as Loc-Nar): Yes, that was my very loose tie-in with that story. (back to the girl and Loc-Nar) I probably could have edited out or inserted myself into it more by lying or something, but that is the story I told. Are you standing comfortably, by the way? I know I tend to ramble on sometimes, especially when I should just be killing the person I said a moment ago is the only one who can stop me, but I still have a good 49 minutes of doom to tell you. I guess I just have a compulsion to waste people's time. Hell, if I could, I'd even put a commercial interruption in the middle of these stori--
(We then go to commercial)
NC (vo, as Loc-Nar): Well, that was lucky. Anywho, do you want snacks? (the girl's still terrified of the Loc-Nar) This next one can be a little lengthy, there's not any naked women in it, but my guess is you're not really into that anyway. I am. A lot. Anyway, (the scene cuts to bomber planes being shot at) planes!
NC (vo): So we're suddenly in World War II when we see somebody is following one of the planes. (no surprise what's following the planes: the Loc-Nar!)
Holden: Jeez. Skip, something's following us.
Diamanda (as Holden): It looks like John Carter on the way back from Mars, again.
NC: You saw that?
Diamanda: Somebody had to.
Diamanda (vo): The green glowy thing infects the plane and turns the dead crewmembers into zombies because...it can do that now. (the pilot tries to escape from the zombies) And frankly, this is the best part of the film, the idea of men trapped in a tight, enclosed area like a bomber with zombies, it could make for a brilliant film.
NC (vo): Good thing we'll once again take no advantage of this great idea and instead, parachute out.
Diamanda (vo): And I think it's time for the Rod Serling ending. (the pilot finds himself in a graveyard of crashed or shot down planes in the jungle, filled with zombies which scare the pilot)
NC (vo): Amelia Earhart, nooo! (the pilot is surrounded with no escape and can only scream, the scene is then put on a computer monitor) One Tron wipe later and we see there's a meeting at the Pentagon.
(A man in sunglasses is walking through a crowd of reporters)
Female reporter: Dr. Anrak, six more mutants were sighted in Arizona this morning, you still say this has nothing to do with the green radiation from space.
Diamanda (vo): I don't have time to answer your questions. I have walking to do!
Senator: Hell, my constituates are turning green! They're growing arms on their backs, and the voters have a right to know about it!
Diamanda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
NC: I think so, but how can I get Catherine Zeta-Jones in a Batman outfit?
Diamanda: I was...thinking about Insano.
NC: Oh yeah, Insano. How could HE get Catherine Zeta-Jones in a Batman outfit?
Dr. Anrak: As for the theories of interference by alien beings, it is my firm opinion that we on Earth are the only intelligent, technically advanced civilization present in the universe.
NC (vo): So, as expected, mid-speech, the most ironic thing possible happens.
Diamanda (vo): And I'm currently wondering what they would've done in most obvious situations in history.
(A shot of the Titanic sinking, the Chicken Dance playing in the background, with Dr. Anrak posted, saying "Clearly this was caused by werewolves.")
(A tube drills into the meeting room and sucks up Dr. Anrak and the secretary. Anrak lands in a room and breaks apart, showing he was a robot all along)
Blue robot: Aww, nice job. How am I gonna fix this guy? He's fucked!
Zeke: Guess we turned it up a little too high.
Diamanda: Wait, if they planted the doctor there to convince the world there were no aliens, then why did they get him back like that? Thus confirming to the world there are aliens.
NC: How many times do I have to tell you? There was a car in space! Question's invalid!
Diamanda (vo): Of course, the ship's robot falls in love with the secretary, and like most women, she falls in love with the small, phallic-shaped machine who'll stay after sex.
(The two have just had sex, the censor bar's on the woman's body while she smokes a cigarette)
Gloria: I've never felt anything like it.
Robot: Oh great, I've been programmed to be fully proficient in sexual activities.
NC: So really, every woman in this movie is like a game of Perfection. (a picture of Perfection shows up) If something can fit in a slot, you just put it in there.
Diamanda: How'd they have sex, anyway? I'm guessing it must be something like this.
(A clip from Space Truckers is used. Anyway, the next shot in space shows a ship looking like the Enterprise flying through)
NC (vo): Wait a minute, what the? Was that the fucking Enterprise? It is! It is the fucking Enterprise! What the hell is the Enterprise doing in the 40s, (showing the opening to B-17) or present day, (showing the opening to Den) or, (showing a clip of Captain Sternn) whenever the fuck that futuristic trial was supposed to happen?
Diamanda (vo): Could be flying back in time to capture some dolphins or some crap.
NC (vo, as Captain Kirk): Spooock, have you ever wondered if you could smoke a tribble?
Diamanda (vo): So the pilots get high in the most unhygenic way possible and almost crash the ship while the robot and secretary almost instantly decide to get married, because...funny.
(Back to the girl and Loc-Nar)
Loc-Nar: I have chosen you, because you are the future who could destroy me. With your death, I break the chain for all time.
NC (vo): Trust me, by this point, I think she'd prefer death than listen to one more of your pointless, perverted stories. You are a horny little green ball, and you ramble a touch.
(We come to the final story as the Loc-Nar heads for a mountain)
Diamanda (vo): In this story, the glowy thing crashes onto a mountain on an alien desert planet. Of course the locals, as in all the locals, decide to go check it out. (the mountain erupts glowing green lava that covers hundreds of people)
NC (vo): Hey, it's green lava, which means all these people get...
(The Melting Counter goes up to 1,314)
NC: Yes, those are the numbers I'm talking about! (a green fist rises out of the lava) Aw! (and the counter goes back down to 5)
Barbarian leader: Death! Death to all who oppose us!
NC (vo, as barbarian leader): Now, let's go get chicken!
Diamanda (vo, as henchman): I'm a vegetarian!
NC (vo, as barbarian leader): Kill him!
Diamanda (vo): So we see what Eternia would look like if Skeletor got his shit together, so surely, the leaders must have some plan, some weapon to beat back the hordes of evil on their doorstep.
Councilman 1: Taarak the Defender? His race is dead!
Councilman 2: Some say the race is not dead, that one still lives.
Elder: One of Taarak's blood could do much.
NC (as Elder): That's why we waited until they're literally beating down our door!
Elder: We will summon the defender together.
Elder (with Lion-O's voice): Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! ThunderCats, hooo!
(Our heroine for the day, Taarna apears)
Diamanda (vo) : They let out the call to summon their world's very last hero....
Diamanda: A giant, hot, big titted warrior ho!
(Taarna takes her hood off)
NC (vo): So how long until this one gets naked? (soon as he said that, the boobs come out, censored as usual)
NC: I guess that was a stupid question.
Diamanda (vo): Sensing since that we never saw the old people summoning her die, and if she rushed, she might be able to save them, she decides to spend the next three minutes putting on what she considers armor. Thigh high boots, a thong, a sleeveless bra, a belt, and a single shoulderpad. If she's so okay with being naked, why did she bother to change at all?
(Taarna raises her sword between the legs of a statue of a goddess raising her sword)
NC (vo): She-Man and the Big-Titted Mistress of Killing Shit!
NC (vo): So Taarna and her bird make it to the city, and what the fuck do you know, everybody's dead!
(Scenes of flaming wreckage and destruction litter the landscape)
Holly (from Red Dwarf): They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave!
Diamanda (vo): Who would've thought the old guys waited till the enemies were breathing down their fucking throats, and her taking an ice age to get dressed, would've resulted in everyone she's supposed to protect being fucking dead? (Taarna comes upon the body of the Elder, his head on the floor)
NC (vo, as George W. Bush): That galaxy security's doing a heck of a job.
Diamanda (vo): She tracks the mutants down to a western style, sci-fi bar, where everybody's listening to Devo. (we see the band on stage playing)
NC: Hey, it's better than the other band they had last week. (we get a shot of the Cantina band from Star Wars as that familiar tune plays) They just kept playing the same song over and over.
NC (vo): Now the funny thing is throughout this story, this woman never talks, and, honestly, she's the most interesting character in the film! Yeah, I know that's weird, but her actions, the constant determination on her face, and even the fact she has a connection with her animal friend makes her much more interesting than any one line of dialogue from the rest of these clowns.
Diamanda: Ah, so that must be why everyone plays her character in Dungeons and Dragons.
NC: No, they play her for the tits, but she's still a good character, too.
Diamanda (vo): She flies to the mutant camp, but gets captured by their random...bird...thing net that they set up in case the main character from Joust attacked. She gets stripped naked, tortured and thrown into a pit with the cast of Chase and the Weird Warriors, but the mutants are good enough to throw her gear in with her, so in no time she's escaped and ready to kill the crap out of the mutants, who are good enough to send their leader out to fight her alone.
(Taarna smacks the leader in the head with a metal pipe, shoves his chainsaw hand into his throat, then punches through his head like a ripe watermelon, killing him)
NC: It takes a special kind of hero to punch someone after killing them with their own chainsaw. A bitch is usually what they're called, but a badass bitch.
Diamanda (vo): She sits atop her noble bird thing and faces down the green glowy thing head-on, and proves that once again, she has the power because her Castle of Grayskull moment was apparently foreshadowing.
(The Loc-Nar grows larger, cracks forming on it)
(The girl runs out of the house for dear life before it explodes)
NC: Wait, what the fuck just happened?
(The girl runs over to a familiar bird)
NC (vo): Did that thing's memory of being defeated just kill it in the present? (the girl shakes her hair as it goes from brown to white, as the Taraakian mark is shown on her neck as she and the bird fly off into the horizon) And why is the girl now Tarnaa? Is she Taarna reincarnated? Does just her being near the thing kill it? Why'd it die twice? What the hell's going on!?
Diamanda: Listen, it's simple. (showing clips of the ending) Either she's a reincarnation of Taarna and telling the story killed it...for no reason. Or it knew how it would be killed and decided to stop it's fate by killing Taarna as a child...and then exploded for no reason.
NC: Neither of those make any more sense than the other!
Diamanda: I said it was simple. I didn't say it made any sense.
NC: This isn't a movie, it's a series of horny fanfictions that somehow got a budget!
(Clips of the movie play as the review ends)
NC (vo): Some things work, like the animation at times is very stylized and impressive, and a lot of the designs and ideas can be creative, and do I even need to say the soundtrack fucking rocks? But the stories just go nowhere, and stop before they even get started. The last one is the closest thing to a complete story, and even that has an ending that makes no sense! Some of it's impressive, but it's mostly just pervertedness posing as badass art.
Diamanda: Personally, I like most of it.
Diamanda (vo): Yeah, the linking story of the green thing is a bit shit, and it ultimately makes no sense, because its' abilities change all the time and who the fuck even knows what happens at the end? Because the last time I had to deal with a green glowy orb of death, I blasted it into fucking space where the crulads can deal with it. Yeah, take that, you tartan-skinned motherfuckers! But yeah, some parts of this are very well done, especially the B-52 section, and all of it, even it's worst bits are as imaginative as all fuck. There's a sequel, (showing a poster of Heavy Metal 2000) which is like a middling to bad story and this one stretched to 90 minutes. And there's talk of a remake, or another film coming out soon. I just hope it's good.
Diamanda: Well that was fun, Critic. Wanna watch some Rock 'n Rule? (she brings out the dvd case for it. of course, NC's now on a car...in space!)
NC: Sorry, Diamanda, can't talk! I'm on a giant flying car in space! Whoo hoo hoo hoo!
Diamanda: Okay, fine, Critic, I'll just go amuse myself with the cries of infants.
NC: Holy smoke, this is so exciting, I'm gonna invite one of the other producers to come on board! (joining him is CR)
CR: Whoo, yeah! Hey!
NC: (deflated) Hey, CR.
CR: How's it going? We're in space! This is awesome!
NC: Yeah, real awesome.
CR: It doesn't sound awesome.
NC: It sounds awesome, I just thought, maybe, you'd be one of the other producers...where...you are. But it's cool, I like it, I like it, it's just that...
CR: Okay, you invi--you said, any--but who'd you have in mind?
NC: I don't know, maybe JO or somebody.
NC: Yeah, you know?
CR: What's your deal with JO?
NC: I don't have a deal, you know. She just looks like someone that'd be a lot of fun to do a crossover with, you know?
CR: Are you attracted to her?
NC: No! You know, I knew it was gonna go here! You know, just because you wanna, uh, uh, do a project with someone you're interested in working with, it doesn't have to mean I'm attracted to her.
CR: I understand that. I mean, it's a little suspect.
NC: You know what, okay, opposite gender, oh my god, that must mean I want her, is that it? Is that always the thought? (the credits begin to roll) She's very talented!
CR: This has happened before! I mean, you know, people...
NC: Are you trying to tell me something? If you had a....thing, you know? I saw you looking at Phelous, and I just get this feeling.
CR: Oh no, no, no.
NC: You know what, let's just forget it. We're in a car in space, that's pretty awesome.
CR: Yeah, that's...that's awesome, let's just focus on the car in space. Can we crack the window just a little?
NC: It's a convertible, and in space, I don't know how there's...
CR: There's no oxygen here, I'm getting kinda fried.
NC: Yeah, I'm feeling a bit lightheaded, too.
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Crab people: Yaaay!