(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Hocus Pocus)
Doug (vo): Hey, kids! Feeling awkward because you're a teenager and you haven't had sex yet? Well, according to Disney, you should! At least, that's the lesson of Hocus Pocus.
Doug (vo): A movie starring Bette Midler as a leader of witches who were axed off years ago. But a boy and his sister bring them back to life by accidentally saying a spell*, and now they're looking to take over the town and, of course, run amok. With the help of a would-be girlfriend, a boy who was cursed to the body of a cat, and even a walking zombie, our heroes have to see if they can stop the witches in time.
*This is incorrect. The witches come back to life when the boy, who is a virgin, lights a black-flamed candle.
Doug (vo): Okay, so I'm just gonna get to what I really fucking hate about this movie the most: its strange obsession that if you're a teenager and you're a virgin, there's something wrong with you. Yeah. This is Disney. I mean, yeah, I know your whole "sex is bad, but we're actually using sex to sell stuff" is always kinda there, but, oh, my God, you're not supposed to be this insulting with it, or this direct! The main character in this movie admits that he hasn't had sex, and everybody, I mean, freaking everybody, has a heart attack about it. It's practically the focus of the movie. Hell, even the finishing line centers around it! And don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those prudes that thinks like teenagers should never talk about sex and they should all live in happy places where sex doesn't exist or weird shit like that, but this movie puts a lot of emphasis on: "If you haven't had sex yet, you're a loser, and you should be made fun of, and this is the way the world works." Yeah, Disney has kinda turned into that big obnoxious bully at school. And it's such a weird thing for something like Disney to focus on. Every time it's brought up, I just feel kinda dirty! But, taking that incredibly distracting element out of it, how is the rest of the movie? I don't know, it didn't do that much for me either. I mean, there are some creative elements, like the look of it is kinda neat, and there's some fun goofy Halloween stuff going on. But it's just kind of a bland story that works into the typical "fish out of water" jokes. The main characters are bland, the side characters look neat, but don't really have that much of a personality either.
[Clips focusing on the witches are shown]
Doug (vo): The only thing that does stand out is the performances of the witches themselves. They don't have much to work with, but, by God, they still work with it. These are three very funny ladies trying to make material that's not very funny into something that's funny. Just look at how quick they are, look at their facial expressions, look how big they get their eyes and mouths and, yeah, they're really having fun here. I guess on that level, the film is kind of enjoyable, but, again, I said they're not really given much to work with, and that still stands. As energetic and silly as they can make their performances, it still doesn't save a bad script. I don't care if you give them song sequences, I don't care if you have them ride vacuums, you're still not technically saying anything that's very funny, which is a shame. I think this idea could've worked. I mean, these are three very funny actresses, and the idea of three witches now being resurrected in current time, that could be kind of fun. But a bland script makes it predictable and not very interesting, and all that virgin talk escalates into a series of uncomfortable, awkward moments. I just never quite got or understood it. It's one of the most bizarre focuses a movie has ever had in terms of Disney.
Doug (vo): So, yeah, as you can tell, not a big fan. Even though I know these actresses are doing their best, it's still boring, it's still predictable, and it's still...uneasy. I don't know, if you want the whole teen sex thing done in a much funnier, better way, I'd say either go watch a John Hughes film or Malcolm in the Middle. But personally, I would keep kids away from this like the plague. Seriously, what is your deal?!
(The review ends on the witches' song sequence, "I Put A Spell On You")