Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
December 19, 2017
(After the intro, we see NC in his couch, looking not exactly pleased)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, it's Christmas Eve, and that means meeting up with your friends and loved ones. (nods) And trying to stop them from killing each other. Especially when your friends and loved ones are as polar opposite as they can get!
Malcolm: Uncle Lies? Aunt Despair? Can I have some water tonight?
Uncle Lies: Well, I suppose you've been good enough this year. Honey, why don't you share some of yours?
Aunt Despair: (gives Malcolm a bottle of gin) Here you go. (pats him on the head)
Chester: Oh, now, that's no way to treat a child!
Doe: Yeah! Why don't you raise yours like we raise ours? (hugs Little Girl)
Little Girl: Why, I'm pretty sure they did raise me before I got abandoned in the Balto review.
Aunt Despair: Mmm, no, that wasn't you.
Little Girl: Pretty sure it was.
Uncle Lies: No, we remember the children we abandon.
Chester: Do you?
NC: (rubs his hands) Well, I don't know about you, but I sure am excited for our Christmas meal.
Malcolm: Yeah, where is it? We've been waiting forever.
Uncle Lies: Now, son, don't make us abandon you like we did her.
Doe: But you just said...
NC: The meal's taking a while, because it's being specially delivered. Trust me, you only want an expert to deal with something so perfectly Christmassy!
Chester: Well, as long as it's edible, I'm good.
Doe: (nudges him slightly) Honey...
Chester: Okay, it doesn't have to be edible! (Chester, Doe and Little Girl chuckle)
Aunt Despair: That explains why your kid looks like she ate chimney.
Little Girl: (still smiling) It tasted like dying.
Doe: Well, at least we know where our kid is!
Aunt Despair: What are you even talking a- (slowly turns her head to notice Malcolm is not in his chair) Oh, now I get it.
Uncle Lies: Hey, boy! Stop eating that glue and save some for me!
Malcolm: (offscreen; drowsily) I feel colors...
Chester: Parents of the year. (crosses arms)
Doe: You won't even share!
Aunt Despair: You said something over there, pubic wig?
NC: (interrupts them by grabbing a remote) Hey! Why don't we watch a movie? (Malcolm sits back, still junked up) The perfect Christmas interaction where we don't have to have any interaction!
(He presses a button, and after a static, we're shown the title of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)
Aunt Despair (vo): Home Alone 2?
Aunt Despair: You couldn't even put on Home Alone 1? (Her cigarette falls from her mouth, and she puts it back in)
Malcolm: (drowsily) Ooh! I love this movie.
Uncle Lies: You do?
Little Girl: Me, too!
Doe: I thought most people only like the first one.
NC: (takes a reindeer-shaped cup with eggnog) Exactly. They've seen it so many times, it's practically background noise. But everyone has interesting thoughts about Home Alone 2.
(The poster of the original Home Alone is shown, along with an image of Kevin)
NC (vo): You see, when the original came out in 1990, it was huge. It played at #1 for 12 weeks, and turned a relatively unknown child actor, Macaulay Culkin, into a megastar.
(Clips from Home Alone 2 are now shown)
NC (vo): So, not surprisingly, two years later, a sequel came about, giving everybody the same comedy they grew to love.
NC: And I do mean the same comedy.
NC (vo): Many people were angered at how much repeating there was, reusing the same jokes, scenarios, even teaching the same lessons that was learned in the original. Macaulay Culkin and director Chris Columbus even mock it in the first film's commentary.
(A snippet of Culkin and Columbus' commentary of the first film is heard)
Chris Columbus (vo): John Hughes said he'd write this on the weekend. I wonder how long it took for him to write the second one. (Culkin starts laughing) It's a little bit of cut and paste, and boom, you're done. Sequel, bam. (Several Photoshopped images of what Columbus describes are shown)
NC (vo): But much like Ghostbusters 2, people totally forgot they hated it, because...
NC: (looks around for a bit before shrugging) Come on!
NC (vo): Well, I'm here to see if there's any validity to that "Come on!", and look at a movie that seems to divide many...
NC: ...but at least can serve as a harmless distraction. (drinks his eggnog)
Aunt Despair: I'm only watching this for Sharknado star John Heard.
Chester: Give it a chance. This is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life, and I don't say that often.
Doe: It's true.
NC: Let's take a gander at Home Alone 2.
(The film's opening credits roll, exactly the same as the first film's opening credits, as a split-screen of the two films reveals, also happening with the first scene)
NC (vo): We start off this rollercoaster of variety with practically the same music against the same credits with the same exterior shot followed by the same interior shot.
NC: Okay, I know you're trying to establish a style, but when you...
NC (vo): ...don't even need to move the tripods from your last shoot...
NC: ...you might wanna mix it up a bit!
(The McCallister family are shown packing up for their vacation)
NC (vo): Hopefully, everyone's character traits are repeated, too!
(Uncle Frank is shown taking a coke can from his son Fuller. The caption shows "Bed Wetter")
Uncle Frank: Hey, easy on the fluids, pal.
(Buzz is shown walking past one of his sisters. The caption shows "Bully")
Buzz: Now you can be a skag with a slightly darker shade of skin.
(We cut to a later scene of Uncle Frank scolding Kevin. The caption shows "Cheapskate")
Uncle Frank: You'd better not wreck my trip, you little sourpuss. Your dad's paying good money for it.
(We cut to a later scene of Kevin in the third floor. The caption shows "Robot")
Kevin: And you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone.
NC: Yeah, okay. Let's address what's arguably one of the biggest problems with the film: Macaulay Culkin's performance sucks. (Beat) But it's not really his fault.
(Footage of Kevin in the first film is shown, as well as several images describing Culkin's career)
NC (vo): He already played up the kid who has to act like an adult in the first film, and he immediately became the biggest star in the world. And that's not exaggerating. He was everywhere for a while.
NC: That kind of attention so quickly, so young, is gonna result in this kind of performance.
NC (vo): The "I don't care, I'm cool as shit now" performance.
Kevin: (various scenes) He didn't mean what he said. He was just sucking up to you. / At first, you look kind of scary, but when I think about it, it's not so bad. / ...without any of you guys, and I'd have the most fun of my whole life.
NC (vo): It would happen to you, it would happen to me.
NC: It would happen to anyone. There's really no blame, it's just the situation. (Beat) With that said, let's make fun of this like hell!
(We cut back to the introduction scenes, showing Kevin trying out his Talkboy as his mother Kate is packing)
Kate: Honey, are you packed yet?
Kevin: (speaks through the Talkboy) Yes.
(He presses the Talkboy's play button)
NC: (as Kevin) I'm trying to see if I can literally phone in my performance.
Kate: Did you see what Grandma Penelope sent you for the trip? (brings out an inflatable clown) An inflatable clown to play with in the pool.
Kevin: (feeling unexcited) How exciting.
NC: I can't tell. Are you excited? It's eerily similar to all the times you actually are excited!
(Cut to the later scenes of Kevin at Duncan's Toy Chest)
Kevin: Merry Christmas, Kevin. / This is the greatest accident of my life. (Cut back to the earlier scene) How exciting. Why do we have to go to Florida? There's no Christmas trees in Florida.
Kate: Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?
(The TV cuts to an advertisement for the Plaza Hotel, which Kevin begins recording on his Talkboy)
TV: ...stay at the world-renowned Plaza Hotel.
NC: Yeah, most of this opening dialogue, you can just replace with...
(The intro scene is dubbed with NC's dialogue)
NC (vo; as Kevin): Why can't setup for second or third act pay off? (as Kate) Bad joke to make it look like we're not setting up for the second or third act payoff. (as Peter) Honey, did you set up for second or third act payoff? (as Kate) Segue to other setup for second or third act payoff to make you forget about this setup for second or third act payoff.
NC: Speaking of which...
NC (vo): Kevin has to grab his tie while his uncle sings in the shower, and decides to record it. I do hope the dollar store microphone on that thing picks up the clear-ass audio both inside and outside the room.
(As Kevin records on his Talkboy Uncle Frank singing "Cool Jerk" in the shower, Uncle Frank stops and notices Kevin inside)
Uncle Frank: Get out of here, you nosy little pervert, or I'm gonna slap you silly!
NC: Ironically, Macaulay Culkin might be the only person from Hollywood not told that yet. (Images of famous people accused of sexual misconduct (Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, Al Franken, Charlie Rose and Dustin Hoffman) are shown)
(We cut to Kevin and Buzz performing as part of a choir at a Christmas pageant)
NC (vo): He performs at a Christmas pageant with his brother Buzz, who proceeds to make fun of him.
(As Kevin sings his solo, Buzz puts two Christmas candles next to Kevin's ears, causing the entire audience, except Kevin's parents, to laugh)
NC: Oh, these easily amused pageant goers! Look! The letter B!
("B" is shown in a caption. The audience laughs harder)
NC: You're so ready to watch Home Alone 3.
NC (vo): Kevin finds out what Buzz is doing and punches him. But because this is a Family Matters episode now, it has to go more over-the-top.
(Kevin punches Buzz, causing the entire choir of children to fall to the ground. One of the Christmas tree props on the stage falls down and hits the piano player, knocking her to the ground. A clip from Family Matters is shown)
Urkel: Did I do that?
NC (vo): Funny enough, this reveals that the only character in this sequel that's strangely evolved is Buzz.
NC: I know that sounds strange, seeing how bullies are always the most underdeveloped characters, but he legitimately grows as a character!
NC (vo): He's still a bully, but now he knows how to manipulate, his vocabulary is shot up, and he seems wittier and funnier.
Buzz: (various scenes) My prank was immature and ill-timed. / Merry Christmas, indeed. / What a troubled young man.
NC (vo): The only downgrade is, when he is mean, his wordage is a lot more, um...Disney Channel.
Buzz: (whispers to Kevin) Beat that, you little trout-sniffer.
NC (vo): Ooh! Trout-sniffer. That's much more intimidating than...
Buzz: (from the first film) [I wouldn't let you sleep in my room] if you were growing on my ass!
NC (vo): But, hey. If you're not a fan of how the language in this one is more cleaned-up than the last one, don't worry. There's plenty of more shit repeated from the first film!
Kevin: (to Kate, in the third floor) If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone.
Kate: Well, you got your wish last year. Maybe you'll get it again this year.
NC: It all depends on how lazy and rushed the writer is to get his paycheck.
(The next morning, Peter and Kate wake up with a start, having slept in again)
NC (vo): Oh, you're in luck.
Peter and Kate: WE DID IT AGAIN! (They both run straight to the camera and scream) AAAAAAHHH! (They run out of the room)
NC: You hear that, wall we're randomly screaming at?! UGGGGHH!
(Once more, the McCallisters are rushing to their van. But this time, they didn't forget to take Kevin and take him to the airport...only for Kevin to lose them there)
NC (vo): Speed up the film, play [John] Williams' "Nutcracker" music again, rinse, repeat, water down. This time, Kevin makes it at least as far as the airport with his family, but they get separated, and Kevin gets on the wrong plane.
Ticket Agent: We have to close up here. They're ready to go.
Flight Attendant 1: He dropped his boarding pass.
Kevin: This plane can't leave.
Ticket Agent: Board him, but make sure he locates his family before you leave him.
NC: Well, 9/11 hasn't happened yet, so go ahead!
Aunt Despair: I have some theories on why 9/11 really happened.
Chester: Do tell.
NC: Oh, look! Another possibly debatable funny scene!
(Kevin goes inside another plane and sits next to a man)
NC (vo): Yeah, watch this over and see if you snicker at something a little odd.
Kevin: (to a man) Have you ever been to Florida?
(The man starts speaking in French, which confuses Kevin as hell and makes him turn his head to the camera slowly)
NC: Now, don't get me wrong, this doesn't seem that funny.
NC (vo): Whatever. He looks at the camera because a guy in a different language won't shut up.
NC: But realistically, it's the most nonsensical awkward moment!
NC (vo): We know he's supposed to be looking at the audience, but in this situation, there is no audience. So imagine you're talking to me, and I suddenly just went...
(NC, with a blank stare, slowly turns his head to his right, and then immediately turns it back)
NC: That'd be super weird!
NC (vo): And why is this guy still talking? He knows Kevin doesn't speak French. Does he think he made a friend? A friend who slowly shades you by looking at the airplane set with more space than any plane ever built?
NC: It's actually kind of hilarious, just not at all for the intended reasons!
(Cut to the plane with the McCallister family on its board)
Kate: Oh, I just have that feeling.
Peter: We have everybody. There's nothing to worry about.
(Kevin's plane is shown landing at its destination)
Kate: Yeah, you're right. You're right. We're fine.
(The logo for American Airlines company is shown with its "slogan")
Announcer (Malcolm): American Airlines. Losing your luggage and your kids.
(Having landed, Kevin sees the sight of New York City in an airport window and rushes to the attendant)
NC (vo): So Kevin, of course, ends up in New York and checks to see where he is.
Kevin: What city is that over there?
Flight Attendant 2: That's New York, sir.
(Kevin widens his eyes in shock)
Kevin: (whispering) Yikes, I did it again! (continues to stare)
NC: (hand on cheek) Anyone else feel like Culkin's blank stares are trying to eat your soul?
(The clip of Kevin staring is shown to a demonic music)
NC (vo; in a deep voice): You taste like innocence. (normal) Let's do this shtick again.
Kevin: My family's in Florida, and I'm in New York. (realizes) My family's...in Florida...
NC: Oh, come on! In the original, he had to...
(The clip from the first movie is shown, showing Kevin pondering about his relatives and him being away from them)
NC (vo): ...really think about it, dealing with the fact that his family was gone, but then think about all the mean things they said to him!
NC: Here, it just looks like he's suddenly thought of his residual check!
Kevin: My family's in Florida, and I'm in New York. (As he realizes, the sound of "Cha-ching!" is heard) My family's...in Florida...
(Kevin starts going around the city and taking pictures of it, finishing with going on top of then-present twin towers of the World Trade Center)
NC (vo): Speaking of money, he uses all the cash in his dad's bag he accidentally took to see New York. He even checks outsides that are...um...uncomfortable, to say the least.
Aunt Despair: You see? It was all conspiracy by the Satanists, which is why you can see the face in the smoke.
(Before Doe can answer, NC interrupts)
NC: Hey, look!
(Harry Lime and Marv Merchants, the Wet Bandits from the last film, are shown inside a truck full of fish)
NC (vo): The Goodfeathers! Yep, Kevin passes by a truck the escaped convicts snuck into, and their sequel material is much to be a-scared of.
Harry: Smell that?
Marv: (sniffs and grins) Yeah.
Harry: Know what that is?
Harry: It's freedom.
Marv: No, it's fish.
NC: Sorry. Matthew Broderick...
(The shot of Nick Tatopoulos saying "That's a lot of fish" from Godzilla (1998) is shown)
NC (vo): ...will master this routine six years later.
NC: There's no need in trying to top him.
(Harry and Marv walk in the city streets)
Harry: We get ourselves a couple of phony passports, and we hightail it to some foreign country.
(Harry and Marv, as well as Kevin, go into a crowd of people, but don't notice each other. They turn their heads to make a double take, but then Marv bumps into a woman)
NC (vo): Speaking of coincidence, they all happen to be in New York at the exact same time, but Kevin just misses them passing in the street, causing Marv to bump into someone.
Marv: (to a woman) Pardonne-moi, mon chéri.
(The woman slaps him on the cheek and leaves)
Harry: (bumps Marv out of the way) Serves you right. Come on, let's go.
NC: Why did that anger him so much?
NC (vo): This is a guy who breaks into God knows how many houses and almost commits child murder, yet speaking French to a woman was too far?
NC: Imagine how he'd react to this guy!
(The scene of a French man speaking to Kevin is shown, followed by a scene from Goodfellas showing Tommy DeVito (also played by Joe Pesci) shooting Spider)
Tommy DeVito: That's what the fucking world is coming to. How do ya like that?
(Back to Home Alone 2, Kevin notices the Plaza Hotel and decides to visit it, but sees a pigeon lady)
NC (vo): Kevin makes his way to the famous Plaza Hotel, but not before coming across a...disturbing character?
(As the menacing music plays, the pigeon lady, played by Brenda Fricker, turns to Kevin and looks at him)
(The footage of Old Man Marley from the first film is shown)
NC (vo): I mean, okay, this is obviously a retread of the old man gimmick from the first one, but he had a creepy backstory and could at times look very scary.
(We are shown the pigeon lady again)
NC (vo): This is a Susan Boyle and Mrs. Doubtfire hybrid! She doesn't look the least bit frightening!
NC: Is it because she has birds? Is that it? Birds aren't scary!
NC (vo): You're literally feeding them in a later scene!
NC: If it were bats, it'd be scary. If it was insects, it'd be scary. If it was rats, anything but birds... There is literally...
(The bird woman from Mary Poppins is shown)
NC (vo): ...a Mary Poppins song about this scenario! It is famously charming and not the least bit intimidating! Who knows? Maybe it was meant to be a horror film.
(The bird woman's eyes are replaced by the Eyes of Sauron with the caption "FEED THE BIRDS, OR THEY'LL FEED ON YOU". Back to the movie, Kevin goes inside the Plaza Hotel)
NC (vo): He finally makes it to the hotel, where he comes across a... (coughs) interesting cameo.
(While walking across the hallway, Kevin meets then-owner of the hotel, Donald J. Trump himself)
Kevin: Excuse me, where's the lobby?
Donald Trump: Down the hall and to the left.
Kevin: Thanks. (They part ways)
NC: There goes a man who looks like he'd lose by three million votes.
Kevin: Excuse me, where's the lobby?
Donald Trump: (overdubbed by 2005's...) Grab 'em by the pussy.
NC: (astonished) Donald!
Malcolm: Auntie, isn't that a man we should be talking about?
NC: (waving hands around) Nope! No! No! There is no reason to talk about him at all!
Chester: We feel like that guy got into poli-mi-tics.
Doe: (chuckling) Surely, there is no harm in discussing poli-mi-tics over the holidays!
Uncle Lies: I completely agree. I'll start-
NC: Tim Curry, save the day!!
(The hotel's concierge Mr. Hector (Tim Curry) is first shown as the Hallelujah Chorus plays out)
Little Girl: (gasps) Ooh, we love him!
Chester: Me, too!
Aunt Despair: For every one star of a movie he's in, he's the reason it got that one star.
NC: (smiles) Tim Curry. We can all agree on him.
NC (vo): I'm not kidding. He is, once again, the best part of the movie. Even teaming him with Rob Schneider can't distract how awesome he is. He plays the concierge, who suspects Kevin of suckering them with a stolen card and phony story. Mostly because their operators are idiots.
(Over the phone, the operator hears Kevin's slowed and toned down voice recorded on Talkboy introducing himself as Peter McCallister)
Talkboy: I'd like a hotel room, please...
Operator: (on the phone) Yes.
Talkboy: ...with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key.
NC: To be fair, that slowed-down voice would work a lot better if he just added two words.
Talkboy: Howdy-do. This is Peter McCallister.
NC (vo; as Talkboy): I'm drunk.
NC: See? Suddenly, it seems plausible!
(Kevin goes to Mrs. Stone, the clerk, at her desk)
Kevin: Reservation for McCallister?
Mrs. Stone: A reservation for yourself?
Kevin: A kid going into a hotel, making a reservation? I don't think so.
NC: It's that thing he said in the last movie! (takes out a hammer and hits the camera) Did you get that?! DID YOU GET THAT?!?
Kevin: (gives Peter's credit card to Mrs. Stone) He gave me his credit card so I won't get into mischief. And, ma'am, sometimes I do get into mischief.
(The clip from a web series :DRYVRS (an episode "Just Me In The House By Myself") is shown, showing grown-up Kevin screaming in agony)
Kevin: (shrugs) We all do.
(Kevin is shown his hotel room)
NC (vo): It, of course, works, and Kevin enjoys all the perks of luxury.
(To the song "Jingle Bell Rock" by Bobby Helms, Kevin walks up to the pool, wearing slippers and trunks, holding a towel and ready to dive)
NC (vo): By the way, show off hands...
NC: ...how many people, when they hear this song, instantly think of Kevin in swim trunks... (Everyone's hands, including NC's, go up) Yeah, me, too. Stupid movie.
(In an earlier scene, Cedric the bellman, played by Rob Schneider, was given a Fruit Stripe instead of some money by Kevin)
NC (vo): Give the film credit that even Rob Schneider gets a few decent laughs, mostly involving a misunderstanding about tipping.
(Cut to a later scene; Cedric is at Kevin's door)
Kevin: I'm sorry. You wanted a tip.
Cedric: I still have some... (takes a chewed-out piece of gum out of his mouth) tip left over.
Kevin: (shows a bundle of cash) No tip? Okay.
Cedric: (realizing what Kevin was holding) No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... (Kevin closes the door on him)
NC: (as Cedric) That could make, like, five of my movies!
(Kevin is shown watching a gangster movie, Angels with Even Filthier Souls, on TV)
NC (vo): Yep, we're even doing this bit again.
Girlfriend: It's me, Johnny.
Johnny: I could smell you getting off the elevator.
NC: All anybody seems to watch in these movies are these films (Angels with Filthy Souls), The Grinch, and foreign It's a Wonderful Life! I'd say "branch out, movie", but why start now?
Girlfriend: I was singing at the Blue Monkey last night.
Johnny: You was here...and you was smooching with my brother!
NC: Actually, a part of me wishes I could just watch this film series as opposed to these Home Alones. Somebody crowdfund to get these movies made! We gotta see them in their entirety!
Johnny: I believe you. (takes out his gun) But my Tommy gun don't!
Girlfriend: (shocked) You're the only duck in my pond!
Johnny: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.
NC: Whoa! Family-friendly, my ass!
(After telling his girlfriend to get out before he counts to three, Johnny shoots and kills her before saying "three")
NC (vo): He mows down Harley Quinn in a bullet-filled bloodbath.
NC: But don't worry, parents! He didn't swear while doing it. (gives a thumbs-up as the caption "Family Friendly" is shown)
(Kevin takes out Peter's wallet and looks at the family photo, then sadly observes the view of New York. The movie's original song "Christmas Star" plays)
NC (vo): Oh. Yeah. This feels earned.
Kevin: (thinking) Good night, Mom.
(As "Christmas Star" continues, it dissolves to Kate at the window in Florida)
NC (vo): I hope we have fun learning the exact same goddamn lesson we learned in the exact same goddamn way in the first one.
NC: You know, there's a difference between "tearjerking" and "tear jerks".
NC (vo): "Tearjerking" is what the first film did.
NC: "Tear jerks" are what the producers...
NC (vo): ...of this film are, thinking they could do the exact same thing again!
(The elevator door opens to reveal Mr. Hector nonchalantly leaning against the elevator's wall and then walking up to Kevin's room)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Curry, in a totally not-creepy-at-all way, stalks a little kid's room.
Mr. Hector: (knocks on door) Housekeeping. (Note: he says this word while raising the tongue to the roof of the mouth)
NC: (confused by the intonation) As Dr. Strangelove.
NC (vo): Come on, Curry, we know you can do better accents than that.
Herkermer Homolka (from Congo): (audio) No, no! The diamonds are here!
(Kevin brings out an inflatable clown his mom gave to him, turns the tap on, hides the inflatable behind the curtain and controls it with ropes, and plays the recording of Uncle Frank singing "Cool Jerk" and scolding him to make it look like the man is washing in the shower)
NC (vo): Kevin sets up in seconds what would take a solid hour in reality: a ploy to fool the, uh... Huh.
(The shadow of the inflatable clown in the curtain moves its hands very unrealistically)
NC: And that's when every adult in the audience said, "Okay, we're not coming back. This is the course we're doing. It's shutting up my kids for a while, so just count your blessings."
Talkboy: Get out of here, you nosy little pervert, or I'm gonna slap you silly!
(Upon seeing this, Mr. Hector drops his jaw and runs away, hitting his leg on the stool in the process)
NC (vo; as Mr. Hector): You all better get the irony that I'm frightened by a clown!
(The clip of Pennywise doing his trademark laugh from IT (1990) is shown)
NC (vo): The next morning, Curry tries to apologize for his actions.
(Mr. Hector walks up to Kevin and bends down)
Kevin: Is my transportation here?
Mr. Hector: Out in front, sir. A limousine and a...piz-za.
NC: Okay, can we just do a count of every average word made amazing by Tim Curry's weird pronunciations?
Mr. Hector: Piz-za.
NC: (as Mr. Hector) Piz-za.
Mr. Hector: Piz-za.
(The caption "Your word has been CURRIED" and a face of Mr. Hector laughing appear to a ding, with Pennywise's "Wa-ha!" heard)
NC (vo): Oh, Tim.
NC: I love you and your Tim...Curry-sma.
Mr. Hector: I do hope your father understands that I was simply checking the room.
Kevin: If some guy looked at you in the shower, would you ever want to see him again?
NC: (as Mr. Hector) You clearly haven't watched my other movies. (The image of Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show walking out of the shower is shown)
Mr. Hector: (smiles forcibly) Have a lovely day.
("Your word has been CURRIED" appears again)
NC (vo): I will also give credit that this film has the greatest-looking cheese pizza in movie history.
(Kevin walks outside, and a limousine is waiting for him. Cedric is standing in front of it, holding the box of fresh cheese pizza)
Cedric: Mr. McCallister, here's your very own... (opens the box, steam comes out of it) cheese pizza.
(NC is now suddenly holding the pizza box)
NC: Wow. I don't even know where I got this. I just wanted a cheese pizza so bad, I somehow made it happen.
Malcolm: Can you share?
NC: (sighs) Okay. You three will get the pizza, (motions towards the Bums) they'll...get the box.
(Chester, Doe and Little Girl are pretty much satisfied with what they will receive)
Chester: Ha! Suckers.
(We go to a commercial. When we come back, we're shown Mr. Hector discovering Kevin's stolen credit card, coupled with Kevin in the limousine watching The Grinch (1966) on TV)
NC (vo): Tim Curry runs Kevin's credit card to find out it's stolen, but it's done in one of my favorite dissolves of all time.
(As "It's Beginning to Look a Lot More Like Christmas" by Johnny Mathis plays, the Grinch is shown doing his signature large grin, which immediately dissolves to Mr. Hector also grinning, satisfied at discovering the stolen card)
NC: Admit it, that was a much more satisfying live-action Grinch than anything Ron Howard gave us. (An image of Jim Carrey's Grinch is shown)
Mr. Hector: (smiling) Bingo.
("Your word has been CURRIED" appears again. We're then shown Harry and Marv on a skating rink: Harry reading the Duncan's Toy Chest ad in the newspaper, Marv skating and stealing everyone's clothes)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Marv and Harry plan their next heist...while ice-skating.
NC: ...'Cause they have the location.
Harry: (hits pigeons with a paper to shoo them away) Get outta here! Go on, go on, get outta here! Beat it, beat it! Beat it, get outta here. Hey, Marv!
NC: (as Harry) Get over here and interrupt my foreshadowing!
Harry: We need cash, and we need it now.
Marv: Hotels? Tourists carry lots of cash.
NC: (gasps in horror) Kevin!
Harry: There's no guarantees. I got a better idea.
NC: Well, that pointless line went nowhere.
NC (vo): They decide to rob a toy store, Duncan's Toy Chest, which, again, Kevin happens to be at.
(We are shown the inside of Duncan's Toy Chest as Kevin enters it, and the store is really large and is full of various toys and decorations)
NC: Yeah, enjoy the economies that could keep a place like that open. You got a few years left.
(Kevin walks up to the counter, and behind it is Mr. Duncan himself, played by Eddie Bracken)
NC (vo): He ends up talking to the owner of the store, the Schmucker's Brand Jelly guy. He's unaware at the moment, though, that he is actually the owner.
(Mr. Duncan notices Kevin counting the money he has in his dad's wallet)
Mr. Duncan: My, my, my. Where did you get all that money?
NC: In that store, I imagine everybody has that kind of money!
NC (vo): He tells Kevin that a lot of the profits will go to a children's hospital on Christmas Eve, so Kevin makes a donation.
Kevin: I'm not supposed to spend this money, but I have $20 from shoveling snow in a jar in our garage. (hands the $20 bill to Mr. Duncan) So you can give this to Mr. Duncan. The hospital needs it more than I do.
NC: Aw. Well, that's quite a sacrifice. After...
NC (vo): ...riding your limo from your luxury hotel on your folks' bank account...
NC: ...$20, I'm sure is a big deal! (Beat) Why don't you give more?!
NC (vo): But Mr. Duncan falls for it and gives him a present of two turtledoves, one Kevin keeps and one he gives to a friend.
(Kevin walks outside and checks the brochure of the city with a magnifying glass. Behind his back, Harry and Marv walk out of the store, notice him and go close to him)
NC (vo): Speaking of shticks, guess whose paths cross again.
Harry: Hiya, pal. (Kevin gasps and drops the brochure)
NC: Okay, it's already a huge coincidence that not only are they in New York, but they're in roughly the same area, but how many times have they (finger quotes) "accidentally" bumped into each other?
(Two instances of Kevin going past and not noticing the Wet Bandits are shown, along with the current clip of them meeting again, to a count of 3)
NC: (shows up three fingers) Three times in New York City! Hell, even when you plan to meet up, it's impossible half the time!
NC (vo): These three have better homing powers than the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper!
(Before Marv can grab him, Kevin screams loudly)
NC: Ooh! He didn't put the hands on the cheeks. Restraint.
(Kevin flees, stops to buy beads and throws them on the sidewalk)
NC (vo): He runs away from them and uses that valuable time not locating a cop, but instead putting beads on the sidewalk. Because he's supposed to be a smart kid, remember?
(Marv and Harry, chasing Kevin, slip on the beads and fall, landing on their backs)
Kevin: (fist pumps) Yes! (runs off)
NC: NOOOOOOT!! I don't know, 90s. We only said those two things. We were pretty dumb.
(Kevin rushes to the Plaza Hotel, where he is greeted by Mr. Hector, who's smiling gloatingly)
NC (vo): Tim Curry puts on his best "Cheshire Cat preparing to eat Alice" face as he confronts Kevin's lies.
Mr. Hector: What's the matter?
NC: (as Mr. Hector) ...matter?
Mr. Hector: ...matter? ("Your word has been CURRIED") Store wouldn't take your... (snatches the card from Kevin's pocket) stolen credit card? Let's see what the police have to say about this.
NC: (as Kevin) Yes! Police! There are two criminals chasing me! I could use the protection...
(Kevin runs inside the hotel)
NC: (as Kevin) ...or run away. I don't want to get grounded! (normal) Little idiot.
(The scene of Marv and Harry slipping on the beads and falling is shown again. Then, we go to Kevin sliding between Mrs. Stone's legs and into the elevator. Mr. Hector and Cedric run into Mrs. Stone, and three of them fall)
NC (vo): Well, we just have one unfunny pratfall. Let's shake things up with...another unfunny pratfall.
Mr. Hector: (reaching for Kevin, grunting) You little sh... (The elevator door closes)
NC: (as Buzz) Show of emotion.
(Kevin runs into his bedroom and turns the TV on, starting up Angels with Even Filthier Souls and rewinding to a scene of Johnny talking to his girlfriend, just as the hotel staff appears at the door)
NC (vo): This looks like a job for 1940s audio off of the clearest speakers on a 10-inch TV!
Johnny: Hold it right there! (The staff stops) You was here last night, too, wasn't you?
Mr. Hector: Yes, sir.
Johnny: And you was smooching with my brother!
(Mr. Hector snickers in confusion. Then he snickers again, looking up)
NC: I love this one look he gives, like..."Did I?"
(The clip of Mr. Hector snickering and looking up is shown again)
NC: (as Mr. Hector) Nope, nope. That was another hotel.
Johnny: You've been smooching with everybody.
(Mrs. Stone drops her jaw, Mr. Hector is shocked, and Cedric gives him a look that says "Well, not surprised")
Johnny: Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg...
(NC overhears someone chuckling, and it's Malcolm. Then someone else starts chuckling, and it's the Bums family)
NC: Yeah. This scene is ungodly childish and weirdly forced, but...I'd be lying if I said I didn't kind of laugh at it.
NC (vo): Everything from one of them having one of the names he mentions, to Schneider's hilarious "shame" faces, to still to this day wondering what Bony Bob looks like.
Johnny: ...Cheeks, Bony Bob...
NC: Tell me you're not wondering that!
(Johnny gets his Tommy gun)
NC (vo): And, of course, who can forget...
Johnny: Get down on your knees and tell me you love me.
(Mr. Hector gets down on his knees, mutters something under his breath, then smiles and says...)
Mr. Hector: I love you! (tilts his head)
NC: How was that not on a Home Alone Valentine's Day card?
(The said card that shows the still of Mr. Hector saying "I love you!" is shown with this caption)
NC (vo): We also gotta wonder what he whispered to himself before saying that line. (as Mr. Hector) How was this not the most embarrassing thing I've ever done?
(After telling them to get out before he counts to three, Johnny opens fire before saying "three", making the staff flee out of the room in panic and crawl on the floor. The other guests peek out of their rooms)
Mr. Hector: Stay in your rooms! There's an insane guest with a gun!
(The Plaza Hotel logo appears with the "slogan")
Announcer (Malcolm): Plaza. We thought this was a good advertising...how?
(Kevin tries to escape through the back door, but jumps right into Marv and Harry's hands)
NC (vo): But Kevin comes across Marv and Harry waiting for him outside, revealing their evil plan, of course.
Marv: At midnight tonight, we're hitting Duncan's Toy Chest, then it's off to Rio... Huh?
Harry: Marv! Marv. You want to shut up?
Marv: What's the difference? He's not gonna talk to anybody.
NC: It's only been two minutes, and already, I miss Tim Curry so much. He would have said "anybody" like (imitates Mr. Hector) "anybodyyy"!
(As Harry and Marv stop at a traffic light, Kevin looks around and pinches someone's butt. And it's the same woman Marv tried to sweet-talk earlier)
NC (vo): But again, because New York is so tiny, they run across the same woman from before, and Kevin makes it look like they pinched her ass.
(The woman smacks Marv in the chin)
Kevin: (points at Harry) He did it!
Harry: Did what?
(The woman smacks Harry as well, which allows Kevin to run off)
NC: This is why you're Time Magazine's Person of the Year. (The Time Magazine's 2017 Person of the Year cover with the Silence Breakers (celebrities who spoke of personal experiences of sexual misconduct, including Taylor Swift and Ashley Judd) is shown)
(Kevin hides in a trunk on the back of a moving carriage)
NC (vo): Kevin escapes and gives yet another great read from his emotionally gripping voice.
Kevin: (from inside the trunk) I want to go home. Mom, where are you?
(NC isn't amused)
NC: Can we show back-to-back the cries for his mother from both films?
(The clip of the first movie is shown)
(Back to the second movie)
Kevin: Mom, where are you?
NC: You know what? Your next callback to the last film better be funny as hell, or I'm walking!
(We see the McCallister family glumly hanging out in their Miami motel room, watching a Spanish dub of It's a Wonderful Life on TV, much like what they did in Paris in the first one)
NC: (frowns) You got lucky.
NC (vo): The family is told that Kevin is in New York, but sadly, he's left wandering the streets in one of the scarier parts of the city.
(While walking in the "scarier" part of the city, Kevin bumps into a sleeping hobo)
Hobo: Watch it, kid! (laughs cruelly)
NC: Now there's a guy who has things figured out.
(Kevin next sees two hookers who are smoking)
Hooker: (taunting Kevin) You looking for somebody to read you a bedtime story?
(The hookers cackle at Kevin as he walks off)
NC: (mimics the hooker; cackles) No, seriously, 50 bucks. I can do that.
(Kevin retreats to the park)
NC (vo): And he comes across the... (sighs) scariest one of all.
(The "scariest one of all" person turns out to be the Pigeon Lady, causing Kevin to scream)
NC: (looking bored) Hi. I would say "hi". Most kids would. Your birds are really cute.
NC (vo): He, of course, befriends her, and she takes him to the top of a concert hall, where...
NC: Insert church scene from first one here.
(Kevin and the Pigeon Lady talk with each other in a room at the top of a concert hall)
Pigeon Lady: I wasn't always like this, you know. I had a job. I had a home. But the man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart.
NC: (looking bored and confused) And?
Pigeon Lady: And whenever the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it.
NC: Wait...that's it? You went through a breakup, and you ended up here?
Pigeon Lady: You see, sometimes, you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.
Kevin: Maybe they're just too busy.
NC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I want to make sure I understand this. (clears his throat and describes the Pigeon Lady's story via images that appear in front of him) In love and employed, breakup, homelessness...there's a missing gap there, I feel! (an arrow points to the gap) Would you mind filling that in?!
NC (vo): Look, I admire you're trying to make homeless people more human, but Kevin found the person with the least homeless-ish backstory.
NC: There's mental illness, abuse, financial ruin; tough things to confront!
NC (vo): And this silver-haired hopeless romantic is the one representing all that? She's gonna be your icon for what most homeless people are like?
NC: What if Kevin went with the "Watch it, kid!" guy?
NC (vo): Would his problems be so quick and easy to understand?
(NC, as Kevin, is shown talking with the offscreen hobo (voiced by Doug), who keeps yelling "Watch it, kid!" and laughing as NC speaks)
NC: (as Kevin) Why, I understand. You must have gone through some heartbreak. I-I-I'm sure you must've gone though some emotional turmoil. Maybe you fell in love with someone, and she broke your heart. Maybe just something went wrong with it- (gives up) You know what, I'm not feeling this.
NC (vo): So not only is this emotionally empty, but it also feels...manipulative. Which, again, I guess isn't fitting with the theme of the movie.
(The earlier scene of Buzz whispering to Kevin is shown)
Buzz: Beat that, you little trout-sniffer.
Aunt Despair: Oh, no, we have some definite opinions on homeless people.
Chester: (crosses arms) Oh, do you? (Little Girl gulps nervously)
Uncle Lies: Oh, yes. All their problems can be solved super easily.
Doe: Super easy, huh?!
Malcolm: I know! Let's talk about it in great detail.
(Chester opens his mouth to speak, but...)
NC: (singing to the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas") Weeeeeee... Christmas song, Christmas song, / I forgot the words because I'm nervous, / I'm singing this to distract you, / So is it working?
Doe: I suppose so.
Uncle Lies: Go on.
NC: (continues singing) I'm...going back to watching Home Alone 2, / Because it's something I want to do now... (speaks normally) so that...that...that's what I'm doing.
Chester: (sniffles) That was beautiful. (He and Doe join their hands)
Doe: He has a real gift!
(NC, confused, looks back at the camera. Back to the movie; Kevin says goodbye to the Pigeon Lady)
Kevin: If you need somebody to trust, it could be me. I won't forget to remember you.
Pigeon Lady: Don't make promises you can't keep.
NC: ...Weirdly cryptic.
(Kevin stops at the window of St. Anne's Children's Hospital and sees a kid waving to him)
NC (vo): Kevin walks by the children's hospital and decides he wants to stop the robbery on his own.
Kevin: You can mess with a lot of things, but you can't mess with kids on Christmas.
(As the "YEAAAAAAAH!!!" part of The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" plays, NC puts the sunglasses on and stands up. In the movie, Kevin runs to Uncle Rob's townhouse that's being renovated while he and his family are in Paris. We immediately cut to him unrolling his blueprints for "Operation Ho Ho Ho")
NC (vo): Kevin goes to his relatives' abandoned house being renovated, puts together another pointless map...
NC: Seriously, minimum half-hour to draw that in this time-sensitive scenario.
NC (vo): ...and John Williams plays the exact same score from last time, because he's doing Schindler's List, you know. He's got real movies to work on.
(Just as said, the montage of Kevin preparing the traps is shown to John Williams' score from the first movie)
NC: (sighs) This is so lame. I need my Curry-Fix!
(The McCallisters family have arrived in New York, and Kate and Peter speak to the Plaza Hotel's staff)
Kate: What kind of idiots do you have working here?!
Mrs. Stone: (proudly) The finest in New York. (Mr. Hector snorts, smiling)
NC: (relieved) You're the drink of Gatorade in a marathon.
Kate: (to Peter) I'm going out to look for him.
Mr. Hector: Your son is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world. There are hundreds of parasites out there...
NC: (as Mr. Hector) There are bird ladies out there, madam. Bird ladies!
Mr. Hector: ...armed to the teeth... (is slapped by Kate's glove) Do bundle up. It's awfully cold outside. (His lip quivers as he's trying not to break down in tears)
NC: A moment of silence for the last scene of Tim Curry in this film.
(NC lowers his head in mourning, and the last clip of Mr. Hector is shown next to him with the caption "R.I.P. Tim Curry Scenes". "Brahms' Lullaby" by Johannes Brahms is heard playing. We are then shown the Wet Bandits sneaking into closed-down Duncan's Toy Chest and breaking the cash register and the box with the money for children's hospital open)
NC (vo): After Duncan's Toy Chest closes down, politely leaving the lights on and all the money in the register, our thieves look over their riches.
Harry: (observes the money in the register) Merry Christmas, Harry.
Marv: (opens the children's hospital chest and gasps) Happy Hanukkah, Marv.
NC: (as Marv) I won't have to do Christmas Story 2 after this!
(The Wet Bandits put the money in their bag)
Marv: We're up to our elbows in cash, and there's nobody that even knows about it.
(Kevin appears and knocks on the window)
NC: (as Marv) Oh, no, the punchline to what I just said!
(Kevin brings out his camera and takes a photo of the two bandits. After Kevin breaks the window and sets off the alarm, Harry and Marv run towards him, only for Harry to step on a seesaw Kevin has set out the front)
NC (vo): Thankfully, Kevin knew Harry would land on the left side of the window and Marv on the right, as he launches the other into the air.
(Marv steps on the other side of the seesaw, launching Harry into the air and falling straight into a car, destroying it)
NC: Okay. Somewhere, we went from Three Stooges destruction to Avengers destruction.
(A clip from The Dark Knight is shown)
NC (vo): That's the crash Batman makes after falling from a building in heavy armor. (Back to Home Alone 2) This is a short Italian from a tumbling act.
NC: The damage he would've made could be buffered out!
NC (vo): They chase him to the building, where they think they have him cornered.
(Harry and Marv notice Kevin up on the roof of the apartment)
Harry: We got busted last time because we underestimated that little bundle of misery.
Marv: This ain't like the last time.
NC: Clearly, you have not been watching this movie.
Harry: (calls to Kevin) Sonny!
Harry: You throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you. You'll never hear from us again.
NC: Yeah, they need those pictures so people won't be looking for them...which... (We cut to an earlier news report revealing the Wet Bandits' escape from prison) ...people already are. (waves his hand in confusion) Hi?
NC (vo): And, in keeping with the earlier TV scene, we get yet another incredibly lazy, yet somehow weirdly funny moment.
Harry: Okay, kid. Give it to me!
NC: (eager) Here we go. Let's do it. The first big home trap in Home Alone 2!
(Instead of throwing the camera, Kevin instead throws a brick down to the Wet Bandits. The brick hits Marv on the head, knocking him to the ground. NC laughs and lies down on his couch as the exact moment is shown again immediately)
NC: A brick! That's our first big trap. A blatant, blunt, brutal brick.
NC (vo): No turning wheels or strings or anything complicated, it's just...a brick.
NC: But, to make things even stranger, he does it again.
(Kevin throws another brick at the bandits, and the brick again hits Marv in the head)
NC: And again.
(Kevin throws a third brick at the bandits, and yet again the brick again hits Marv in the head)
NC: And again.
(Kevin throws a FOURTH brick at the bandits, and, once more, Marv gets hit in the head with it)
NC (vo): It's almost like a troll joke. Home Alone 2, the genius trap setups, it's like the best thing these films are known for. And we just watch a guy get hit with a brick for, like, two or three minutes.
NC: I'm sorry. I know it's dumb, but it's...ingeniously dumb.
(As NC speaks, we are quickly shown the entire sequence of Harry and Marv getting hurt and injured by many of Kevin's booby traps around the apartment. The scenes shown here include Harry slipping off a grease-filled ladder, Marv falling down a big hole, Harry falling down a cracked ladder, and Marv getting electrocuted by a sink connected to an electric generator)
NC (vo): After that, it goes the course you'd pretty much suspect. They both try different ways to get in, and are met with a bunch of traps. Some are okay, some are lame, they're hit-and-miss, to say the least.
(After the sequence, Kevin calls the police and runs from the pursuing bandits, but ends up slipping on ice and getting caught)
NC (vo): But even God gets sick of Kevin's shit and gives him a bit of his own medicine.
(Harry and Marv take Kevin to the park)
Marv: You may have won the battle, little dude, but you lost the war.
NC: The Home Alone sequels in a nutshell. (Posters of all the four sequels are shown)
NC (vo): So, what? They're gonna make him go through the goofy traps like they said they would in the last one...? (Harry brings out a gun) JESUS CHRIST! HE HAS A GUN!
NC: Shit just got real!
Harry: I never made it to the sixth grade, kid, and it doesn't look like you're gonna either.
NC: Okay, if this was a Scorsese film, he'd be on his fifth bullet.
(Before Harry can kill Kevin, the Pigeon Lady suddenly appears and confronts the two bandits)
Pigeon Lady: Kevin, run!
(Kevin runs away, as the Pigeon Lady throws bird seed at the bandits)
NC (vo; as the Pigeon Lady): Catch me Lucky Charms, asshole!
(A large flock of pigeons suddenly appear and fly over to the two frightened bandits, swarming over them and attacking them)
NC (vo): Sure enough, birds arrive to fly slightly to the right of them, and the police finally show up because you don't mess with kids on Christmas, but you don't call the cops until maybe 20 minutes Disney slapstick? Kevin clearly did the right thing.
(The police arrest Harry and Marv)
Police officer: The prisoners have already exchanged gifts.
Marv: We missed the presents? He made us hide out in the store so we could steal all the kiddies' charity money.
NC: What an out-of-nowhere confession even for a dumb person to make.
(Kate, having realized where Kevin might be, rushes to the Rockefeller Center. And, sure enough, Kevin is standing there in front of the Christmas tree)
NC (vo): Kevin's mom continues to search the city, when she finally gets the idea of where he would be. Where...no one else would be on Christmas Eve.
NC: Here's a fun game. Try to count how many times you actually believe what he's saying.
Kevin: I want to take back every mean thing I ever said to my family, even if they don't take back the things that they said. l don't care. l love all of them.
(As Kevin continues to speak, NC is "teared up" by this)
Kevin: If it isn't possible l can see all of them, could l just see my mother? I'll never want another thing as long as l live. l just want my mother.
NC: Too much emotion... Too much emotion...
Kevin: Sometime. Anytime. Even if it's just once and only for a couple of minutes.
NC: Whoo! What a rollercoaster. ("wipes the tear") I sure hope he finds that Blue Fairy. (Someone whispers) What's that? (A whisper) He's not the emotionless robot from A.I.? (Another whisper) Ooh. That sucked.
(Kevin reunites with his mother, and after this, we immediately cut to the McCallisters sleeping in one room)
NC (vo): The mother finds him, though, and takes him back to the hotel. The reunion is so underwhelming, they literally sleep through it. Yeah. Next shot, they're all asleep.
NC: Remember how good everybody felt when they all reunited in the first one?
(The clip from the first movie is shown, showing the family returning to their house and happily greeting Kevin. Cut back to the scene of everybody asleep in the second one, with NC snoring in the background)
NC: (awakens) Huh? Huh? Oh. I missed you, I guess. (yawns)
(Fuller and Kevin wake up)
Fuller: Holy smokes, it's morning! It's Christmas morning, man.
Kevin: I don't think Santa Claus visits hotels.
NC: (as Kevin) He knows we're Jewish.
(The McCallisters rush to the second floor and find a bunch of presents from Duncan's Toy Chest under the Christmas tree)
NC (vo): It looks like Mr. Duncan was grateful to Kevin, though, for saving his money, so he got them all gifts...making this already rich as hell family even richer. Again, the stories of 90s economy. But Kevin realizes there's one gift he forgot to give.
(Kevin goes outside to the Pigeon Lady and gives her one of the turtledoves)
Kevin: As long as we each have a turtledove, we'll be friends forever.
NC: (as the Pigeon Lady) Oh, great. Like I don't have enough friggin' birds!
Pigeon Lady: Thank you.
Kevin: I won't forget you. Trust me.
(They smile at each other)
NC (vo; as the Pigeon Lady): Don't make promises you can't keep. (as Kevin) Ah, jeez, lady!
(At the Plaza, Buzz receives the bill for Kevin's previous stay from Cedric)
NC (vo): And because we haven't first-movied enough...
Peter: (voice heard from inside the hotel) KEVIN!!! YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?!?!
(Kevin gasps and runs off. The movie ends)
NC: (as Kevin, addressing the Pigeon Lady) Oh, would you like to join us at our hotel? Oh, never mind. (waving goodbye) Merry Christmas! Enjoy the freezing cold!
Aunt Despair: I'm sorry. I still have some thoughts on that whole homeless thing.
Uncle Lies: As do I.
Doe: (getting annoyed) Well, maybe we have some things to say about that, too.
(NC hears the door opening)
NC: That'll be the food! Stay here in total uncomfortable silence until I get back! (gets up and leaves)
Uncle Lies: We can do that. It's like our Fridays.
Aunt Despair: (to Malcolm) We do that at home.
(NC enters the hallway to see Santa Christ standing next to the Christmas tree and holding a grocery bag. His theme song is heard in the background)
SC: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! (NC runs closer to him) Here's your Christmas treat.
NC: (takes the bag, out of breath) Oh, thank you.
SC: Well, aren't you going to invite me in for dinner?
NC: (as the music suddenly stops) You don't want to be a part of this.
SC: I believe you.
NC: Leave this gingerbread house of angst.
(He leaves the house. NC rushes back to the living room, but he freezes in shock, as he discovers...)
Aunt Despair: ...And that's what I think we should do with homeless people. Every single one of them.
NC: Oh, God, I'm too late.
Doe: Well, we disagree quite hard on that!
NC: (quickly sits back on the couch and puts his hand in the bag) Okay, who's ready for some amazing food?...
Chester: Yeah! Those homeless would need to get a job!
NC: (after a beat) What?
Chester: I mean, if we just keep giving everything to them, they're never gonna get back on their feet. We need stricter laws!
Uncle Lies: Well, I completely disagree. These people have gotten the worst life has to offer.
Aunt Despair: Yeah. And we should give them as much support and care as possible.
Doe: Well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Chester: Agreed. Why be adults if we can't accept our differences?
Malcolm: Aunt Despair, is this a thing you're always trying to teach me called "acceptance"?
Aunt Despair: Yes, it is, sweetheart. And those people across the table seem to be pretty good at it.
Chester: Thank you.
Little Girl: I'm hungry.
Doe: Me, too. What's you got to eat there, Critic?
NC: Oh, well, since this wasn't quite the nuclear explosion I thought it would be, I guess we can go ahead and eat. (fumbles around the bag) This is my favorite meal to have this time of year.
Uncle Lies: Oh! Also excited.
(Smiling, NC takes out a box of cereal named Cap'n Crunch's Christmas Crunch)
NC: Ah! Christmas Crunch.
(Everyone is confused)
Aunt Despair: You brought cereal as the main course?
NC: Dude, it's not just cereal, it's Christmas Crunch! It's the greatest Christmas cereal ever made.
Uncle Lies: Hmm. Never been a fan of it myself.
NC: (his smile goes down) What?
Chester: Yeah, I'll eat anything, but I stay far away from Christmas Crunch.
Doe: Oooh, yeah.
NC: (confused) You...you're joking.
Malcolm: I always found it to be a generic offshoot.
(NC drops the cereal in shock)
Aunt Despair: Yeah, you just slap "Christmas" on it, and suddenly, it's something completely different?
(Uncle Lies and Aunt Despair laugh, Doe and Chester giggle. NC chuckles a bit, takes the box and starts drumming his fingers on it, trying not to lose his cool)
NC: Just I'll remain calm here...
Doe: Too much sugar for me!
Chester: Oh, yeah. I mean, just one bowl of that stuff will give you diabetes. (to Little Girl) Am I right, kiddo?
Little Girl: Yeah...
Chester: Yeah, she knows.
NC: (getting more twitchy) Nothing to get upset about here...
Chester: I think I'd rather eat the box it came in! Right, Critic?
(Cut to NC...standing up and shaking his fists angrily! Everybody looks up)
NC: (yells) HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you BLASPHEME Christmas Crunch?! Have you no heart?! Have you no SOUL?! Well, I'll tell you all the only place you can find that beauty, if not in Christmas Crunch!! You can find it up your a-
(The caption that says "Ten Minutes Later" is shown. NC is still ranting. Malcolm is shown with his headphones on. Aunt Despair gives him her bottle of whiskey, and he takes it in resignation)
NC: MONSTERS! Monsters, all of you! You do not deserve to eat Christmas Crunch's PROSTATE! A pox on youuu-!!
(The caption then says "Two Hours Later". As NC continues ranting, Doe is shown covering Little Girl's ears)
NC: (in a mocking tone) "Look at me, I understand Christmas because I don't eat Christmas Crunch!" (speaks normally) You Satans! You Christmas SATANS-!!
(The caption says "24 Hours Later". NC is STILL ranting. The Bums are covering in fear. Chester tries to say something, but then thinks it's best to remain silent. Malcolm has almost drunk the whole bottle)
NC: You are Judas' shit! That's what you betrayers are, JUDAS' SHIT! I hope you rot for all eternity, ESPECIALLY the children! SHAAAAAAAAAME!!!
Chester: ...Well, merry Christmas.
NC: (looks at his phone) So it is. Merry Christmas. I...guess I've been talking for an entire 24 hours.
Little Girl: But who's counting?
(Malcolm, Aunt Despair and Uncle Lies raise their hands. Completely stunned and ashamed of himself, NC sits down on the couch)
NC: Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I totally exploded and ruined everybody's evening. I... I'll go get your coats.
Uncle Lies: No, no, no, hold on. There's no need for that. You had an outburst. It happens.
Doe: You apologized and saw the error of your ways. We're okay.
Aunt Despair: Yeah, we know that deep down, you're a good kid, just nuts.
Uncle Lies: Clearly.
Malcolm: No doubt.
Little Girl: Yeah.
NC: (touched) Well...well, thank you. That...that really means a lot to me you guys would forgive me after all that. You know... You guys really are a lot like Home Alone 2.
Aunt Despair: How?
Chester: I don't believe this.
Aunt Despair: How are we in any way like Home Alone 2?
Doe: Not everything ties into a movie you're reviewing.
NC: Well, that one does!
(The Bums just decide to accept what NC is saying. The footage of the movie is shown once more as NC goes to his closing thought)
NC (vo): It is annoying, predictable and not always giving its all, but it surprises you sometimes. There's still moments that make you glad you saw it, and though they're not there all the time, those moments do go a long way. It pisses me off to no end in many respects, but I also find myself coming back to it every year. Like a strange comfort food that doesn't taste good, but it's still cozy and familiar.
Chester: Oh, you mean like Christmas Crun-
NC: I do not, that is delicious.
NC (vo): The film has too many flaws to count, but that's part of what makes it kind of fun. Just how phoned-in parts of it are, mixed in with new elements that are legitimately good. I know it's a weird way to explain it, but the feelings many people have for it are weird, too, including my own. It's not always good, but it's harmless and familiar, mixed with just enough enjoyable moments to make it worth it in the end.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and people really are kind of like movies. Some you can be around, some you can't, but they're always worth a shot.
NC: Happy holidays, and enjoy your Christmas fea-
(He suddenly collapses and lays his head on the table. Everyone else falls asleep)
NC: (raises head back) On second thought, we have been up for 24 hours. What do you say, we take a nap?
Aunt Despair: Sounds good.
(They go back to sleep)
Eric: (audio) Shut that door!
(The animated door closes, and we go to the credits)
Channel Awesome tagline - Mr. Hector: Have a lovely day.