(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from Home on the Range. The main theme of the film, "(You Ain't) Home On The Range", plays throughout. Note: Doug's voice sounds extremely bored here)
Doug (vo): All right, let's get this over with. Home on the Range. Yes, okay, out of all the Disney films I was gonna see for Disneycember, this is the one I wanted to see the least, and let me tell you, folks. It didn't disappoint. It gave me exactly what I thought I was going to get. Oh...God, do I hate this film! This is right up there with The Aristocats, just no creativity, no spontaneity, no passion, no effort, just pure phoned-in mess. I'll tell you the story, because, really, you can figure out pretty quickly if you'll like this film or not.
Doug (vo): Roseanne [Barr] is a cow. Well, I'd press 'stop' after that fact, but let's keep going. She's just been sold to a farm with other cows, and everything is happy and chipper, they dance, they smile, they...yeah. But then they find out that [Imitates a tough guy] the farm is being closed down. So the cows figure that if they bring this bandit to justice and get the reward money, they can use that to save the farm. And that's it. The rest is cows going after an evil villain.
Doug (vo): It's about as half-assed as you can imagine. Okay, now let me make one thing clear. When I say "half-assed," I mean half-assed for Disney. I know animation is hard, I know that by most normal standards, this is still pretty good animation, and I know that by most bad films and even bad children's films considered, this isn't that horrendous. But if somebody told you that this was from the greatest animation company in the entire world, admit it. You'd be a little cheesed off, too. You would want to see more effort from something that's so massive and so large, and this is a movie that's obviously just geared towards little kids, I mean, really little kids, toddlers. The jokes aren't for adults, the writing isn't for adults, the characters aren't for adults, even the animation style isn't really for adults. And again, that was the magic with Disney. They hit both. They could hit both the kids and the adults, but here, no, it's...it's just for kids. The only thing I remember remotely laughing at was Jennifer Tilly as this one cow, and to be honest, it's Jennifer Tilly. She's always funny.
Doug (vo): Aside from that, I remember so little. The songs are forgettable, the characters are forgettable, the obnoxiousness of how bright and colorful and smiley it is just...oh! It's like something out of Barney the Dinosaur or something, it just doesn't seem like Disney, or maybe it does, but not updated Disney, not current Disney, not the Disney that kept us coming back, wanting more, not the passion, not the drive. [Sighs] I don't even know what else to say about it. It's just bad. With a lot of these Disney films I was forced to watch this month, I came across a few surprises. Sadly, there was no surprise with this one at all. Unless you're only a few years old or younger, I'd say this is a definite skip.
[A scene showing the beauty of the Patch of Heaven farm is shown]
Singers: Cowboy! You're really up the creek! Home, home, home on the range. Home, home, home on the range. Home, home, home on the range...