How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Planned date: December 13, 2011 Actual date: December 16, 2011
[The review starts with opening credits much like the Grinch cartoon, with pictures from the Grinch movie showing while The Critic does a parody of Boris Karloff's narration]
Narrator: Everyone on the Internet was in love with "The Grinch". When asked if they enjoyed it, they'd say "yes" in a pinch. Jim Carrey's so funny, and Ron Howard's a gem. And this holiday classic is perfect for them. Yes, the film seemed to make so many people happy. But the Grump of Channel Awesome found it all crappy. He hated "The Grinch," every part of the movie. Please don't ask why -- we're not sure how this could be. It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. Or perhaps it could be that his shoes were too tight.
NC: Why would shoes affect how I feel about something? I-I don't get that.
Narrator: But the most likely reason of all, I should think, is the Grump thought his brain was two sizes too big. But whatever the reason you might want to pick, the Grump spent his time hating the flick. Staring down with a grumpy Grump frown, he never got what pleased all the people in town.
NC: Can't they see—
Narrator: ...said the Grump.
NC: ...that the remake is crap? I'd rather get my nuts caught in a Lorax trap! [Shows poster for the upcoming movie, The Lorax] P.S. That's gonna suck, too.
(clips from 'The Grinch' are shown)
NC (voiceover): The jokes are atrocious, the lines make me weepy, they scare up the Grinch, when the Whos are more creepy! The original's a classic, no fixing required. Whoever said this needs an update IS A BIG FAT FUCK LIAR! Pop cultural references don't make a film work, [It] just makes you look like a big dumb lazy ass JERK!
NC: On top of that, who the hell made Dr.Seuss PG? PG, Oh I see. (cuts back to the clips) Seuss was never child friendly!
(Cuts back to the Nostalgia Critic)
Narrator: And the more the Grump thought how this movie would stink, the more the Grump thought...
NC: [throws movie on the floor] I must stop this whole thing! Why for 11 damn years, I put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from sucking. But how?
[cuts to the movie that's on the floor and back to NC)
Narrator: And then, The Grump got an idea, an awful idea. The Grump had a wonderfuuuuuul, awwfuullll idea.
NC: I know what to do.
[Cuts to the Critic who is sitting in his chair with movie in hand]
Narrator: The Grump said sitting tall.
NC: If I can't enjoy it, I'll RUIN IT for them all. A critique of this stinker is just what they need, I'll tell them the truth, MY WORDS must take heed. [Opening title from the movie is shown]
NC (voiceover): So come on, ya pansies. Let the bashing begin.
(Cut back to NC)
NC: Stop smoking that Who-Hash, and let us dive in.
[Opening footage from the movie is shown]
NC (voiceover): So the world we discover, takes place on a flake.
[Back to NC with a snowflake falling, NC crushes it, man screaming sound effect is heard]
NC: Trust me, I did them a favor for God's sake.
(Back to movie)
NC (voiceover): We see the Whos in Whoville are merry and bright, many of them you'll be seeing in your nightmares tonight. Seriously, these Whos are freaky as hell. Were their mothers all pregnant when they fell down that well?
[Back to movie]
Cindy Lou Who: Dad?
Lou Who: Yeah?
Cindy Lou Who: Doesn't this seem like a bit much?
Lou Lou Who: This is what Christmas is all about.
NC (voiceover): But we see our main innocent and, of course, her dad too. This is little Cindy-Lou Who who is no more than two..... welve, but we'll give them a little leeway.
Cindy Lou Who: Everyone's getting all kerbobbled. Doesn't it seem...superfluous?
NC: Good God kid, did someone put your hair in a blender? It looks like the penis-do from the film Last Airbender.
(Picture of what he mentions is shown, Cut back to film)
Grinch: I guess I could use a little...social interraction.
NC (voiceover): We then see the Grinch, the epitome of cruel. And yes, to be fair, that makeup is pretty cool. He looks just like the Grinch, despite the film's flaws. But, hey, it could be worse, they could have given him cat claws.
(Poster of The Cat in The Hat is shown)
Grinch: I merely noticed that you were improperly packaged, my dear.
NC (voiceover): So, as you'd guess, he hates Christmas to a T. And so would I if I lived in this town constantly. For Whoville looks dirty and kind of polluted, there's smog everywhere, and the colors are muted. The wide angle makes things strangely intense, and is it me or did someone rub vaseline on the lens?
(picture of vaseline is shown)
Lou Who: What happened to you?
Stu Who: It was....The Grinch.
(Everyone stops what they're doing, cars crash, etc.)
NC (voiceover): And the constant camera movement has gotta be the worst. There's more dutch angles here than in Battlefield Earth.
(Quick clip from Battlefield Earth plays, cut back to 'The Grinch')
NC (voiceover): This doesn't look magical, it's ugly and heinous. This isn't Christmas time, it's 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'.
(Poster from the movie of same name shows and goes back to NC)
NC: But at least the Whos have their Christmas spirits in check.
Betty Lou Who: Well I'd blow every fuse if I tried to keep up with you, Martha May.
(Cut to Martha May, using a gadget to put on her lights)
NC (voiceover): Oh, no, strike that, they're as phony as Glenn Beck.
Martha May: Isn't this antique darling?
NC (voiceover): For you see, these Whos are competitive and beyond materialistic. (Clip from the 1966 Grinch plays) A town that just loves the spirit? Pfffft, I guess that was unrealistic. For these Whos are corrupted and commercial to the max. But don't worry, it's just a story arc written by talentless hacks.
Martha May: Well good night Betty.
NC (voiceover): And geesh, is it me or are the decorations really bright?
(Clip from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation plays)
Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark W. Griswold: No, those are Christmas lights.
(Cut back to the movie as Cindy Lou Who starts to sing "Where Are You, Christmas?")
Cindy Lou Who: (singing) Where are you, Christmas?
(Back to NC who looks annoyed)
NC: Ughhhh. Really? We're letting the brat sing here? (voiceover) It sounds like something that came out of Charlotte Church's rear.
Cindy Lou Who: My world is changing, I'm rearranging.
NC (voiceover): But don't get me wrong, I'm sure she's trying her best. But we need this song like we did in Polar Express.
(Short clip from The Polar Express plays, cut back to 'The Grinch')
NC (voiceover): It's pointless, unneeded, and doesn't sound good.
Grinch: Be it ever so, a-heinous...
NC: And speaking of things that should be avoided if they could.
NC (voiceover): (sighs) I give Carrey credit, this role can't be easy. To act in green latex is probably not breezy.
Grinch: Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, double hate, (short pause) loathe entirely!
NC (voiceover): But GOD is he annoying! I'm sorry, but it's true! Is there a law against how much mugging a single person can do?
Grinch: What if it's a cash-bar? How dare they. Alright I'll go, but I'll be fashionably late.
NC (voiceover): (sighs) Just because you can make faces doesn't mean that you should. Can't you once say a line like a normal person would?
(Grinch acting and sounding like he's dying)
NC (voiceover): (sighs) Didn't you take anything from the great Boris Karloff? You sound like Sean Connery if HIS NOSTRILS JUST FELL OFF!
Grinch: Those Whos are hard to frazzle Max. But we did our worst, and that's all that matters.
(Cut to clip of Sean Connery from SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy played by Darrell Hammond)
Sean Connery: Only on a count of villainy.
(Cut back to film)
NC (voiceover): But little Cindy Lou wants to find out about him. If I was her, I'd avoid him at every single whim.
Cindy Lou: Where did he come from?
Clarnella: Oh well, he came the way all Who babies come. Drift from the sky, in their own Pumbercellas.
Baby Grinch: Ahhahh.
NC (voiceover): So we see the Grinch as a small little baby. That or, perhaps, a young Gary Busey maybe. As he grows up even older and we see school's at hand. He looks like Gizmo if he was thrown in the washer with a green crayon.
Martha May Who: Although I hardly remember him. I didn't have time to socialize,(cut to young Martha May licking a lollipop, looking at young Grinch) I was far too busy with my (beat) studies.
NC (voiceover): We see a girl who likes him, [I] guess she has a thing for green too...
(Cut back to NC)
NC: (leans in toward camera) You think that's weird, I know a chick who has a thing for blue. (Picture of Lindsay Ellis a.k.a the Nostalgia Chick along with a picture of Nightcrawler from X-Men are shown. Cut back to the movie)
Augustus MayWho: You don't have a chance with her. You're 8 years old, and you have a beard.
(Class starts laughing and pointing fingers at him)
NC (voiceover): So the Grinch was made fun of for being so damn hairy. Boy, who'd've thought the guy from Passions (Picture of Josh Ryan Evans is shown) would be more subtle than Jim Carrey.
Young Grinch: What a lovely family heirloom.
NC (voiceover): So he makes her a gift out of all that he saved, but then he thinks that maybe he should give himself a shave. So he goes ahead and shaves his chin and it leaves a couple knicks, and for some reason, that gets the class laughing all like hicks.
Young Grinch: (walks up to the front of his desk where he had put Martha May's gift and throws it to the wall) STUPID PRESENT!
NC (voiceover): Is it me or are the Whos just WHOrrible creatures? They show us the true meaning of Christmas in this feature?! Even the teacher is laughing, dude what's up with that? It's not that funny, lady. She's as contrived as those brats!
(Cut to the Grinch climbing up Mount Crumpit)
Young Grinch: I hate Christmas. I HATE IT!
(Back out from young Grinch and dissolve to the Grinch of now with Anthony Hopkins' narration following)
Narrator (movie): So, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave hating the Whos.
(Cut to NC)
NC: Wait a minute!! Whatever reason...Dude, are you high?
(Cut back to movie)
NC (voiceover): They just told you the reason you dumb stupid guy! It's because he was mocked all the way from the start!
(Cut back to NC)
NC: What? Did you fall asleep at that part?!!!
(Back to movie)
NC (voiceover): So they look for a ringleader, a "Cheermeister" they say, to take on the role just before Christmas day.
Cindy Lou Who: "The Cheermeister is the one who deserves a backslap or a toast, and it goes to the soul at Christmas who needs it most." And I believe that soul is the Grinch.
Other Whos: She's right.
(They applaud her)
NC (voiceover): So Cindy tells the Grinch in his Grinchy Grinch lair--Dude, do her parents ever accompany her anywhere?
Grinch: HOW DARE YOU ENTER THE GRINCH'S LAIR! THE IMPUDENCE! THE AUDACITY! THE UNMITIGATED GALL! Another unmistakable sign of the heebie-jeebies! Now, you're doomed!
NC(voiceover): (sighs) So if you're a strange person, for one reason or another, who likes to watch men act like Snarf's deformed brother, then this scene is for you I'm so filled with glee. Now please, never make eye contact with me.
Grinch: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?
Cindy Lou Who: (confidentally) I came to invite you... to be "Holiday Cheermeister."
NC (voiceover): So the Grinch heads on down, he'll be glad that he did. Because this scene happens...
(Scene of Grinch landing on Martha May's chest shows, Cut back to NC)
NC: (sarcastically) You know, for kids!!! (voiceover) So they force him to party and have a good time, but one certain present starts to eat at his mind. A razor, it appears, seems to have dampered his cheer. It didn't make sense then and it really doesn't here.
Grinch: This whole Christmas season is...stupid! Stupid! STUPID! (Cut to the Grinch holding, you guessed it) Mistletoe. Now, pucker up and kiss it, Whoville! Boiiiiiiiiinggggg! (waggles a bit of mistletoe over his backside)
NC (voiceover): Dr. Seuss would be proud, this is what he intended. Mistletoe butt for moms to get offended. And Jim Carrey's range once again is in stock! Can you believe he used to talk from his ass? I'm shocked!
(Cut to Grinch breathing fire on the Christmas tree in town as the Whos run in terror)
NC (voiceover): So the Grinch goes crazy and starts attacking the folks.
Grinch: Taxi! (Cab drives by him) It's because I'm green, isn't it?
(Cut to NC)
NC: Okay, that's a good joke. (voiceover) He takes all his antics and goes all the way.
(Grinch running from the exploding car)
NC (voiceover): There's an explosion in the Grinch. (beat) Who directed this? Michael Bay???
(Cut to the carnage the grinch left)
Mayor: I'm hurt, Lou. I'm hurt, and I don't hurt easily.
NC (vo): So, he didn't steal Christmas, more like assassinated it, when we FINALLY get the plot that the writers had procrastinated. He wants to steal Christmas after Santa gets moving. Wait, Santa's in this movie? That's a little confusing. No matter, he gets his stuff and starts to head down to visit the sleeping Whos in their quiet little town.
(Grinch flying down in his rocket-powered sleigh)
NC (vo): (sighs) At the risk of sounding incredibly droll. D'oh, I can't help it.
(Clip from Star Fox 64 plays)
Peppy Hare: Do a Barrel Roll!
(Grinch starts stealing all the gifts while laughing)
NC (vo): So, this stuff is actually pretty close to the book. Yeah, I know. I guess someone really did take a look.
Cindy Lou Who: Santa Claus. What are you doing with our tree?
Narrator (movie): But you know, that Grinch was so smart and so slick.
NC (vo, as the narrator): And thankfully Cindy Lou was as dumb as a brick!
Cindy Lou Who: Santa, what's Christmas really about?
Grinch: (popping his head out of the tree) VENGEANCE!!! I mean, presents.
Narrator (movie): Then he patted her head and he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
NC (vo, as the narrator): But, hey, she could still have some fun with me. I'll eat her liver with fava beans and a nice chianti. (Hisses like Hannibal Lecter's tongue thing - fthfthfthfthfthfth!)
Cindy Lou: Santa?
Cindy Lou: Don't forget the Grinch.
NC (vo): Odd, seeing as the Grinch is someone she knows. But it fooled her in the book, so I guess we'll let it go. But here's a scene that I simply cannot let fly. It's when the Grinch sees the Mayor's house and needs to drop by.
Mayor: (asleep) Martha, have you ever kissed a man whose lost his tonsils twice?
Grinch: (female voice) No, silly.( Mayor kisses the air as The Grinch picks up Max) But it's an experience that I've always longed for. Kiss me, you fool!
(He then proceeds to put Max's rear onto the Mayor's lips resulting in Max getting bug-eyes and wiping his butt on the floor and the Mayor with a smile on his face)
(Cut to the NC with a disgusted look on his face)
NC: (disgusted) Really film? Really? You had to go there?
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): The Arrested Development guy kissing a dog's derrière? Did your 5-year-old decide to start writing this part? (as a little kid) "Kissing dog's anuses? Ha ha. This is high art!"
(Back to NC)
NC: (normal) Now, just to clarify: this is the Christmas classic you all love?
(Back to movie)
NC (vo): A dog's ass? A guy's lips pleasantly shoved? Have you gone crazy or totally insane? How can this scene cause none of you pain? What the hell would PETA say for this little canine?
NC: Oh, hell as long as he's not wearing a Tanooki suit, it's fine!
NC: (vo) So as the film promised, he steals the holiday, which leaves all the Who's in alarming dismay.
Mayor Augustus: (yelling) Invite the Grinch, destroy Christmas! (chuckles) You choose to listen to a little, not-to-be-taken-seriously....(stops and looks at Cindy Lou with serious eyes) girl.
NC: (vo) It takes them a while, oh, five minutes or more, to realize that Christmas doesn't come from a store.
Lou Lou Who: I'm glad he took our presents. (Crowd looks at Lou in shock) You can't hurt Christmas Mr. Mayor, because it isn't about the-the gifts. (Crowd awes) I don't need anything more for Christmas than this right here, (walks toward his wife and children and they go to him) my family. (Cindy Lou hugs her father as everyone says Merry Christmas to each other)
NC: (vo) You know, I kinda like the original. (cut to 1966 cartoon version) Yeah I know, big surprise. But it makes sense that they already know where Christmas lies, for nothing could dampen it. That was uplifting. (cut back to movie) Here, there's blaming and yelling before they start shifting. The message is there, but it doesn't stand as tall. and if you can't remake it better, WHY REMAKE IT AT ALL?!!!
(Cut to the Grinch)
Grinch: Maybe Christmas.....perhaps....means a little bit more.
(He suddenly feels a thump in his heart, flys back into some rocks, and starts acting crazy)
NC: (vo) Wow. Way to ruin a touching little scene. Good God, for a second there, I almost saw subtlety.
(The Grinch starts sobbing)
NC: (vo) That's right. Keep yelling and make faces like a whore. It's lasted the whole movie. We can take a bit more!
(The Grinch then sees a light in the sky)
NC: (vo) So, God's in this movie? Well, that I didn't know. Does he say ...
(Clip from The Truman Show)
Christof: I am the creator of a television show.
Cindy-Lou Who: Hi, Mr. Grinch!
NC: (vo) So with a smile from Cindy and a ... pedo-smile from him, he brings the gifts back and the town lets him in. He hands back the presents and everyone's happy. Only one other thing could make this more sappy.
Martha-May: My heart belongs to someone else.
NC: (vo) The girl all grown up wants to DATE him now. See? Because...once you go green, there's nothing in-between? So Christmas is as high as anybody reaches and the Grinch carves the beast made from fresh roasted Sneetches.
Grinch: WHO WANTS THE GIZZARD?!
Who: I do!
Grinch: TOO LATE! That'll be mine...
NC: That's the film. Oh my GOD! Could it be any longer?! I bet you're wondering what I would do to make it any stronger. Well... maybe you could shorten it, by an hour or two. ("30 minutes" is shown imposed on Howard's Grinch movie poster) And maybe some bright colors for a friendlier view. (clip from the remake shown with colors brightening) A more subtle actor might be anticipated. (image of Jim Carrey being replaced with an image of Boris Karloff) And hey, you know what else? Why not make it animated? (Howard's Grinch movie poster replaced with TV special movie poster) Yes, those are the changes that I would insist. [Beat] Oh wait, we don't need to. IT FUCKING EXISTS!
NC: (vo) The original was fine, spend your time watching that. Much better than this horrifying crap in a hat! It's downright unpleasant, unbearable, unfunny. Nothing in this movie seems colorful or sunny. It's not fun to look at, it's not fun to watch. How on Earth did this classic get so goddamn botched?
NC: I really hate this movie, and you know what? So should you! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!
(The Critic then runs down the hall and types at his computer)
NC: Ho, ho!
Narrator: Said the Grump, uploading his hit.
NC: They're finding right now that this movie is shit. They're watching right now. I know just what they'll do. Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two and they'll cry "The genius of You-Know-Who." Now those are reactions that I simply must read.
Narrator: He went to the comments to take a look and see. But the reactions he got didn't seem very sad. If anything, these comments seemed rather... glad.
(He then sees all the positive comments from people who geniunely like the movie)
Narrator: They still loved the movie from beginning to end. There was no one to anger, upset, or offend. He didn't stop the people from liking it. They loved it. One way or another, it was still just as beloved. And the Grump, feeling like he'd been horribly conned, sat puzzling and puzzling.
NC: WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!? They like Mistletoe butt. (clip of that is shown) They like boobs being harrassed. (clip from that is also shown) They like seeing a PERVERT KISS A DOG'S ASS! (Lastly, the clip for that is shown)
Narrator: He puzzled and he puzzled til his puzzler was sore. Then the Grump thought of something he hadn't before. Just because he hates something doesn't mean others should. He could share, not force, his opinions like others would. For it's our different outlooks that can make people grow and everyone is different like every flake of snow. For different points of view can exist for a reason: to learn about one another and to make each other decent.
NC: Nah, I'm right. They're wrong.
Narrator: Well, fuck you, then!
Grinch: Now, pucker up and kiss it, Whoville!