Pirate-style music plays throughout as we hear a really gruff announcer.
Announcer: AAARGH! [fade up on the title] And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” [fade out, then fade in on the Dead Skull’s Pub logo] coming from Dead Skull’s Pub!
We dissolve to inside the pub as we hear the “patrons” laugh heartily, along with our host, dressed in pirate attire, complete with hat and wig (and an eye patch over his right eye, though, as the skit progress, it doesn‘t cover the eye very well) and holding a mug of beer. He backs into camera view and does a double-take when he notices the camera.
Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! [beat] Though only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard.
And I’m here to teach ya [raises his glass to us] How To Be a Pirate. [looks off-screen] Isn’t that right, boys? [The patrons react disinterestedly.] Ahh, they love me.
Today, [leans out of shot to see his beer on the counter] we’re gonna be looking at… [taps his eye patch with his finger as a caption bottom-screen says:] EYE PATCHES.
An eye patch is a great thing for a pirate to have cuz it shows you that… you lost an eye! Preferably in battle.
It doesn’t have to be in battle, though. It can be through many another way.
Like [looks up] you were combing your eyelashes with a fork.
Trying to smell the fart of a porcupine!
Putting on a contact with a flamethrower.
All sorts of various ways!
[looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, Brian?
Brian: Don’t make eye contact with me!
BDB: [looks back at us] Ah, ya twat.
Keeper of a lotta secrets as well.
I don’t wanna give away too much, but let’s just say he goes from a Mr. Potato Head to a Mrs. Potato Head pretty quickly.
Now, there’s been some controversy about wearin’ an eye patch, especially if you haven’t lost an eye.
Well, that’s just pussy-pansy-pathetic!
Pirates need to lose an eye. They see the world in an entirely different manner.
In that they only see half of it.
And for all those crying, [raises his fists to mock crying] “I don’t want to lose an eye!”, for cryin’ out loud, ya have another one!
That’s why God gave ya two!
[looks off-screen right] Am I not right, Angela?
Angela: Get a job, ya creep!
BDB: [looks back at us] Ah, ya bitchsicle.
Though, to her credit, she is as hot as an oven.
In case of impotence, nine out of ten doctors recommend her.
But so many people bitch and moan about losing their eye, like it’s unhealthy or something.
Come on! Millions of Americans lose it to Lasik eye surgery every day!
But not me. I lost me eye fighting a grizzly bear! [pauses and looks up to think] And a squid!
A grizzly squid!
He took out me eye with his tentacle… [hold up his hand to mimic chattering…] teeth.
Don’t believe me? Just ask McMasters. [looks overhead left] Isn’t that right, McMasters?
McMasters: You look like a child molester!
BDB: I hope ya die of cancer!
[looks back at us] Bloody pervert. He’ll sleep with anything that can drink Mickey.
Now there arrr some disadvantages ta only having one eye. [trying to come up with one] For example, glasses won’t work.
Ya can’t look at Magic Eye pictures anymore.
Hypnotism only works half the time.
And it’s virtually impossible to wink.
But, needless to say, it still looks cool!
I recommend everybody ta lose their eye at least once!
Twice, and… you’ll be blind.
And probably retarded.
Not a good combo.
Now I know what you’re saying: “Black Dog Bill, you didn’t lose that eye! I can so clearly see it under your eye patch.” [pauses to come up with a retort] Well, mine grew back.
It’s that rare eye-popping-back disease that only I have.
[looks down at the floor] It’s my cross at bear.
[looks off screen-right] Right, Allison?
Allison: You smell like a sewer.
BDB: Aye, ya cock magnet.
[looks back at us] Woman’s so boring, she’s put more people to sleep than the Catholic Church.
Aargh, they act like they hate me; [leans off-screen to retrieve his beer] but, in reality, they love me. For I know the stories of Bloodbeard Joe.
Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?! [when they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and forth, addressing the crowd]
Bill: Shall I tell ya the stories of Bloodbeard Joe? [the patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time]
They say Bloodbeard Joe is so intimidating that even his own beard has a wanted poster. [the patrons are pleased]
They say Bloodbeard Joe is so deadly that he‘s killed more people than any religion. [Hooray!]
They say he‘s so infamous that he shoots lightning out his nostrils and pisses lasers out his Johnson. [they laugh]
They say every time one of Bloodbeard Joe’s men dies in battle, he raises him from the grave and kills them himself just to be them not to be so incompetent. [they are pleased]
They say he uses one of King Kong’s testicles as a basketball. [they laugh]
Bloodbeard Joe is so incredible that Chuck Norris makes up facts about him! [they shout] Ha, ha, ha!
They say that Bloodbeard Joe keeps his cannonballs in his pants, so you can guess what his cannon is. [they shout as Bill chuckles and takes a sip of beer] His penis.
They say Bloodbeard Joe is twice the man he ever was. [no response as he looks around] That’s a good thing! [they shout]
Bloodbeard Joe is so mighty that, when all the members of The X-Men tried to fight him, he melded them all together like a human centipede. [the patrons say, “Ewww”] Yah, yah, I know. That- that movie was gross.
And I know that Bloodbeard Joe got to America first… just ta piss Christopher Columbus off! [Hooray!] Ha! Ha! Ha!
So everybody raise a glass [which he does] to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God. Oh, wait; yes, he is. [he takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!”]
Join me next time for “How To Be a Pirate.” [waves at us] See ya soon. [tries to take another drink but double-takes when he raises it to his eye patch. He then takes off the patch, which snaps; then he drinks as the announcer speaks:]
Announcer: This was “How To Be a Pirate.” [we dissolve to the title card] The greatest show that ever… [can’t think of something to say, so he just says:] Yaaargh.
The title fades, and the credits roll, followed by the CA stinger.
As a bonus, we see Doug take off the eye patch, realizing that he broke it as he holds it up to the camera.
Doug: This thing really just fuckin’ broke.