And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "How to Train Your Dragon."
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
(points) LOOK OUT! SPOILERS!
There's this place filled with Vikings.
And they all have Viking accents!
(random Viking gibberish)
It's like "Braveheart", only not directed by a sadist.
And there are these children in the Viking land, who, for some reason, don't have an accent.
That's kind of weird...
Is that like in Beauty and the Beast where no one has a French accent except for the candlestick?
Maybe that's because he was flaming. [caption: "Apologies to French People"]
So anyway, this Viking land is attacked by dragons!
And the Vikings' job is to chase the dragons!
I chased dragons once!
Oh, no, it's not what you think.
I'M TALKING ABOUT DRUGS!
But this one kid doesn't want to kill dragons; he wants to befriend them.
And the boy's name is Hiccup.
Hmm, that's a weird name.
It's like naming a kid Cough! Or Gesundheit!
So Chester actually ends up catching a dragon, and he befriends him!
And the dragon is so cute!
He looks like a kitty cat mixed with a fire-breathing demon.
You know! Like Lady Gaga!
So he decides to name the dragon Toothless...even though he has teeth.
But at first, it looks like he doesn't have teeth, and then he grows them out.
So technically, his name should be Deceivingly Toothless!
That was my cousin's name.
And it turns out Hiccup actually figures out how to fly Toothless!
AND THE FLYING SCENES ARE SO COOL!
It really feels like you're flying the damn thing!
(pretends to fly across the screen)
But unfortunately, he's not a good flier.
(pretends to crash land offscreen) Ow.
And then they figure out why the dragons have been stealing food this whole time.
They steal it so they can feed this GREAT BIG DRAGON!
Which is...a little strange.
Why do they feed this one dragon and, yet, never feed themselves?
How do they survive!?
Is the nature of dragons reduced down to school bullies on a playground!?
Bully: Give me your food.
Kid: Or what?
Bully: You'll get a NOOGIE!
Kid: *screams* Hey, can't I just run away from you and never come back?
Bully: Oh, I'll find you.
Kid: You will?
Bully: Probably not, but if I do, I'll give you a NOOGIE!
Kid: *squeals* Okay!
Chester: So Hiccup's father finds out that he's been training the dragons, and he gets REALLY MAD!
AND HE'S LIKE, "You're not my son."
"Well, technically, I sort of am."
"Well, metaphorically, YOU'RE NOT!"
So the father tries to kill the BIG, BAD DRAGON!
BUT HE'S LIKE, "WHOA, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT DRAGON WAS THAT BIG! OR BAD! OR DRAGON!"
BUT THEN HICCUP AND THE OTHER KIDS COME IN TO SAVE THE DAY!
And they're riding six little dragons!
So six little dragons can destroy a great, big one; but a pack of dragons can't.
I'm so confused, BUT ENTHRALLED!
So the BIG, BAD DRAGON is chasing after Toothless.
BUT THEN TOOTHLESS SHOOTS AN EXPLODING FIREBALL INSIDE OF HIM!
AND THE BIG, BAD DRAGON KABOOMS!
How does a little fireball make a dragon kaboo--WHO CARES!? IT IS AWESOME!
The only downside to all of this is that Hiccup loses his leg.
I LOST MY LEG ONCE!
I left it in Canada.
So "How to Train Your Dragon" is a really good movie!
ESPECIALLY THE 3D! THE 3D IS AWESOME!
But seriously, when are they going to bring back Smell-a-vision?
Don't you wish you could smell me through the Internet?
(He smells himself and passes out)
This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE?! YA GOT CHANGE?! Aw, come on, help a guy out, will ya!? Come on! CHANGE!
Well, could you at least pay for a pet dragon!? Mine keeps eating the mailman!