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Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "How to Train Your Dragon 2."


Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(swings arm) SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

There's this kid named Hic-- (hiccups) Oh! 'Scuse me. There's this kid named Hiccup. (sounds like a hiccup)

Except he's no longer a kid anymore.

Well, he kind of is.

He's grown up, but he still has a high-pitched, nasally voice that's still going through puberty.

Like Edward Norton.

And they're afraid because there's this evil villain!

Played by Bob Marley's "Despicable Me."

And he's like, "A dragon took my arm so I hate all dragons!"

"Alright, well, what are you gonna do about it?"

"I'm going to conquer da world!"

"So, wait, you're gonna use the thing you vow revenge against to go against people you don't vow revenge against?"

"Yes!"

"That makes no sense whatsoever."

"What do you care? We have pretty flying scenes!"

(flies by, waving) "Yay, pretty flying scene!"

And Hiccup thinks that he can go talk and talk to the bad guy.

But then he comes across his mother, who's looking after all these uncontrollable, fire-breathing hellspawn!

Which is what most mothers think they do anyway.

But Hiccup is like, "Why did you leave me when I was a kid?"

"I befriended the dragons after they kidnapped me, and I knew with your father's prejudice I couldn't live in that world!"

"So you thought it'd be better parenting to leave me with a prejudiced, barbaric jerk?"

"Well, I knew I couldn't change his mind!"

"Again, better parenting to leave me with a prejudiced, barbaric jerk?"

"You can't be mad at me. I'm played by Kate Blancett, and nobody cannot like Kate Blancett!"

"Dammit, you're right! Let's do some more pretty flying scenes!"

"Rock on!"

(flies by, waving) "Yay, pretty flying scene!"

But then Hiccup's father comes around, and he's like, "Now that I found you, my wife, can we be a family once more?"

"Yes! Everything has changed, you've changed, I've changed, let's be the happiest family ever!"

"Oh no..."

"What? What is it?"

"It's the middle of the movie, we're all happy, we're a family again, somebody's got to die."

"That reminds me, Hiccup. Have I told you how to be a successful king in case I die?"

"You're the dead one."

"Crap."

But then Bob Marley's "Despicable Me" comes along, and he's like, "I have come to kill your alpha dragon with my alpha dragon!"

"Wait a minute. You control an alpha dragon?"

"That's right!"

"How the hell did you do that? It took me forever to train a dragon that's like my size."

"Well, I, uh..."

"He's like the size of three Chrysler buildings! How would he even see you to know that you're training him?"

"I sort of, erm..."

"You know, for a film series called 'How to Train Your Dragon,' we don't really see how you train your dragon!"

"Alright, I'll tell ya how I did it! I distracted him with pretty flying scenes mixed in with pretty battle scenes!"

"Oh, that makes sense."

(flies by, waving) "Yay, pretty flying scene!"

(flies by again) "Mixed in with pretty battle scene!"

So the bad alpha dragon kills the good alpha dragon.

And now all the little dragons are controlled by the big bad alpha dragon.

And Bob Marley's "Despicable Me" is like, "Kill the character we all know is going to die! (nearly blasted) Not me, the father!"

(gets blasted) "Oh! Tonight I dine in hell." (dies)

"Father, nooooo!"

"It's okay, Hiccup. I know that you can be a fine king."

"Or you could be their queen."

"...No, I've been away for too long."

"You befriended an alpha dragon that can control a whole bunch of other dragons."

"Y-Yes, well, I'm sure there's some nonsense about not letting a woman rule or something."

"The women fight right alongside the men. In fact, it's incredible how we're so prejudiced against dragons, and yet women and homosexuals we're okay with."

"Homosexuals, really?"

"Yeah, we made a joke outing the hook hand guy."

(hides one hand) "Yep, I'm a rainbow."

"Wow!"

"Mother, you're older, wiser and have more information about dragons. Why don't you lead the--"

"Whose picture's on the poster?"

"Mine..."

"To the pretty flying scenes!"

(sounds annoyed) "Yay, pretty flying scene."

So Hiccup convinces Toothless not to be a zombie dragon anymore.

Zombie dragons. Is that a thing yet?

Somebody make that a thing yet.

And all the dragons rally around Toothless as he destroys the big bad alpha dragon!

And the people are like, "Wow! Look at him breathe fire and defeat the alpha dragon!"

"Yeah, why didn't he do that before?"

"I don't know, because he lacked confidence?"

"Confidence that only pretty flying scenes can give him?"

"Yes!"

"Why don't we just call this 'Winged Migration 2'?"

"Don't think we didn't try."

So Hiccup saves the day, the family is kind of reunited, and another much better 3D IMAX film will never beat 'Avatar'!

Go blue pussies!

  • I* was a blue pussy once!

Safe sex, kids. Safe sex.

So "How to Train Your Dragon 2" was really awesome!

Though as an instructional film, I felt it could have been stronger.

Now, if they were instructing how to CHASE the dragon... I wouldn't be interested because I've been clean for several years. I'm just really eccentric.

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

C'mon, we'll use it to buy Hiccup a new name! I'm thinking along the lines of Achoo!


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