And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(takes a breath) SPOI--
The rest will be continued in Part 2.
(drops hands) Oh...
There's this girl named Katniss.
And she's upset because the rebellion saved her life instead of somebody else's!
YEAH, I'd be really pissed off at that too.
And all she can talk about is how much she wanted Peeta to be saved.
"Oh, I wanted Peeta to be saved! Why didn't you save Peeta? Knock knock."
So Peeta must be a really nice guy who's worth saving.
Until the news shows us he's really just a douche.
"Katniss, turn yourself in. As Nazi-Orwellian fascists go, these guys really aren't that bad. They only beat me five times a day when I merely asked for four."
But then Brandt and Maude from "The Big Lebowski" think that Katniss can be the Mockingjay!
And they're like, "You need to be the image of our rebellion."
"'Cause you kick ass, you look hot, and we may have let some pictures leak out of you..."
"It's okay! We'll do absolutely nothing to find the assailant."
"Oh, well, that's a relief-- HEY!"
So Katniss agrees to be the voice of the rebellion, but there's only one problem.
She is a terrible voice of the rebellion.
Boy, you think of all those other times where she couldn't control her image and couldn't act very well, that would somehow lead to...them not picking her.
But then again, who else are they gonna pick? Woody Harrelson?
(walks out waving and back again) "The only reason you like me is 'cause I'm not Matthew McConaughey."
So they decide the only real way to get her honest is to take her out in the field.
And she sees a hospital of poor people destroyed.
And the director is like, "Katniss, you just watched a hospital blow up. What are you gonna do next?"
"I'm going to disembowel people!"
"And so can you." (points at camera)
So Katniss starts motivating the people because nothing inspires her more than seeing a bunch of dead people in front of her.
And Peeta is like, "Hey Katniss, guess what they gave me? A new black eye. Please stop!"
So Katniss decides to make a deal with the 'Big Lebowski' duo.
"I'll only be your Mockingjay if you find a way to save Peeta."
"I'll kill you if you don't accept my demands!"
"Ha! That was just a test to see if you're real Mockingjay material. You got it, kid!"
"You're happy that I just threatened your life?"
"If there's anything that Hollywood has taught me, it's that people watch the crazy psychotic."
"Oh, thank you!"
"Ooh, that's good!"
But Katniss has another more muscular boyfriend, whose name I can't remember so I'll just call him Jacob.
And Jacob is like, "You love that other boy, don't you?"
"How could you tell?"
"Because there's practically nothing to my character and I've gotten almost no screentime whatsoever."
"Oh yeah, that's true. You mind going to save him?"
(sighs heavily) "Yeah, okay."
So once Jacob and the rest go to save Peeta, it looks like their base is under attack!
But where's Katnissisis's sister?
"Katniss, your sister has gone to get your cat!"
"Wow, for a relatively good movie, I can't believe we're throwing in this cliche."
"Just once I'd like to see the pet die."
"Yeah, I know. Well, I better go save 'em."
"Katniss, you come back here, you'll never make it, there's only a few seconds--"
(waves hand while leaving) "Yeah yeah, I know the tale."
So Katniss saves them just as Peeta and the rest are saved as well.
But there's only one problem.
They thought Peeta was nice, but then he was a douche, and then they thought he was nice, and now he's a douche again.
"We call it the douche poison. It's hard to cure, but it is possible."
"But he tried to strangle me!"
"Yes, but we put your neck in a power brace. (glances at camera) I love the power brace. It's so bad."
"Oh yeah, I guess you're right. (very long, awkward pause) ...So, this is really where we're gonna end the first half of our finale?"
"Yeah, we seem mostly on top..."
"Yeah, like, Peeta's saved, but we indicated he'll probably be all right."
"You're in no real danger, everything seems to be going our way."
"You know, maybe we should've cut a little earlier, like when he was strangling me, and then cut there."
"Yeah, right? Everyone would be like 'Did Peeta go insane? What the hell?'"
"'Is Katniss gonna die? I mean probably not, but, you know, cliffhanger.'"
"Yeah, our biggest concern now is whether or not a cake maker is gonna keep slamming his head against the bed."
"Yeah. (points at camera) Stay tuned for Part 2!"
So "Mockingjay Part 1" was really good, aside from the fact that the cliffhanger was more like a cliffwalker.
But in my opinion, this movie asked so many intense questions!
Like was that guy who lost his tongue also the kid from "The Mighty Ducks"?
IMDB it, to blow your mind.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll get ya tickets to Part 2! "The Deathly Hallows During the Desolation of Smaug While Breaking Dawn."