I'll Be Home For Christmas
December 20, 2016
"Heck with Scrooge, THIS is the twerp you wanna hate around Christmas. Nostalgia Critic takes on I’ll Be Home For Christmas."
(NC 2016 title plays; cut to the NC sitting there listlessly, arms crossed, eyes rolled up; his cell phone rings)
NC: (answering phone) Hello?
(Cut to a high school student on the phone, played by Malcolm)
Student: What's up? I'm D-Bag!
(The following exchange alternates between showing NC and D-Bag)
NC: (facepalming himself) Just get it over with.
NC: You're a character that somehow ties into the review and you're gonna make my life a living hell, so just get it over with.
D-Bag: What are you talking about? I'm just your everyday '90s student a-hole!
NC: I knew it, and you're on your way home for Christmas, aren't ya?
D-Bag: How'd you know?
NC: Because you're the visual representation of why everybody wants to love assholes, like in today's movie!
D-Bag: But everybody does love assholes! It's cool to be hated!
NC: Look, just say your catchphrases for the trailer, and we can get on with our lives.
D-Bag: Well, I did have quite a few, but... screw it, I'm coming to your place for Christmas!
(In front of D-Bag is a list titled "SUPER COOL CATCHPHRASES!!!!!!". The list as follows...)
- Say whaaa?
- Gimme a break, right?
- It's one of those days again!
- That's too much, man!
- Let's go hangin', boy-eeze!
- It's the same old song, dude.
- Now THAT'S crazy!
- Oh I don't knoooow...
- Problem, guys?
- Let's get wild!
- Let's do this!
- Let's heat things up!
- Let's become Presbyterian!
- Let's something something something, man!
- Not today!
- Man, dude, guys!
- I mean riiiiiight?
- Is it the weekend yet?
- The party is here!
- Girl you know it.
- Time to go-go-go.
- Tomatoes are good for you.
- Shag with D-Bag.
NC: What? Don't do that.
D-Bag: Yeah, you just need some time to shag with the D-Bag! (He crosses off "Shag with D-Bag" off his list)
NC: Oh, please, even a cameo is too much.
D-Bag: I'm heading over right now.
NC: Wait, what do I care? You don't even know where I live.
D-Bag: I don't, but my nerdy sidekick I constantly bully does.
(We cut to Jim Jarosz looking like the nerdy sidekick on a computer)
Jim: According to the machine's beep, the Nostalgia Critic lives precisely....here. (He just shows a paper with squiggles on it)
D-Bag: Thanks, geek. Now I'll give you back your pet hamster.
D-Bag: God, I'm charming. I'll see you soon, Critic.
(He hangs up before NC can answer back)
NC: No, you stay there, you walking trademark! (He sighs and puts the phone down) It is true. We have a fascination with jerks.
(Clips of various media jerks as shown: the cast of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Basil Fawlty, Jack Nicholson, Charles Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons, Archie Bunker, Claude Frollo, Otto from A Fish Called Wanda, and Peter Venkman)
NC (vo): Perhaps because they do and say what we want to do and say, but we don't because we have too much of a conscience, jerks, dickmunches and buttholes have been popular for years. Whether we boo them as the antagonists, laugh at them as the losers, or even cheer them on because we find that shred of humanity that we inspiringly connect to.
NC: And then there's jerks who have none of that, but were eye candy for tween girls, so we gave them a holiday movie.
(Clips of today's movie are shown)
NC (vo): Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or JTT, as I refused to call him then...
NC: And proudly refuse to call him now...
NC (vo): ...was a bit of a heartthrob for a short amount of time. Acting as the middle child in Home Improvement, Thomas left his hit series to pursue a career in movies resulting in... (Posters for previous Jonathan Taylor Thomas movies include Man of the House, Tom and Huck, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Wild America, in order) I think movies. Yeah, most of them didn't do very well. But the one many claim to be his crowning achievement of UGGGH is Disney's I'll Be Home For Christmas. Appearing on many "worst Christmas movies ever" lists, this film suggests it's fine to be kind and generous to others, but first, you gotta ask, "What am I gonna get in return?" Well, definitely not ticket sales, as this movie film so bombed they haven't even released a Blu-ray of it. And keep in mind, this is a world that allows this (Blu-ray of Mordecai is shown) to have a Blu-ray.
NC: But, we have a habit of looking at the worst of the worst, so why break Christmas tradition? Let's take a look at what nobody put on their resume.
(Cut to the opening credits of the movie)
NC (vo): So we start off I'll Be Home For Christmas with its matching song... (not "I'll Be Home For Christmas", but...) Steve Allen's "Cool Yule"...?
(NC is seen holding up a flat surface full of shape holes; he is trying to push a triangular shape into a round hole, but with no success)
NC: (grinning) Hey! What do you know? That doesn't fit! That– that– that– that doesn't fit!
NC (vo): Just as you're waiting for (an image of Mac Tonight appears briefly) Moon Man to appear, the film opens in high school... (a subtitle shows the school in question as Palisades College) ...university... where our main character, Jake, played by Thomas, agrees to let his nerdy friend Ian out of his locker if he gets him his math test answers and backstage passes to Dave Matthews Band.
Ian (Blair Slater): (inside locker) Let me out!
Jake (Jonathan Taylor Thomas): (leaning against locker) Did you get my mail? (some envelopes are pushed through the slot in the door; Jake takes them and examines them) Math test? (a folded paper is pushed through the slot)
NC: Words can't explain how excited I am to be cinematically manacled to this prick.
NC (vo): He wants to meet his girlfriend at her dorm room, but for some reason, her roommate won't let him in. Maybe she saw Man of the House.
Jake: (to girl blocking door) Unless... (holds up... some cherry-flavored crunch bars) What's this?
Girl (Elizabeth Friedman): Cherry crunch? (she takes them and goes back inside the dorm room, trying to eat them; Jake follows her in)
NC: (blinking eyes in confusion) The classic "girls like cherry crunch bars" joke...?
Jake: (to girl) Shoo-shoo.
NC (vo): He's dating a freshly-escaped-from-7th-Heaven Jessica Biel, who tries to turn down Jake's charm. And by charm, I mean, tilting his head back like his eyes are in his nostrils. (Jake is seen knocking on his girlfriend's door; a green arrow points to the back of his head) You can even see him doing it through the back of his head!
Jake: Looks like it's snowing.
NC (vo): He also wanted to tell her it's snowing outside, but it's just another one of his "wacky" schemes.
(Ian is seen right above the window shaking a box with fake snow falling out of it)
Allie: Oh, hey, Ian.
Ian: (voice cracks) Hi, Allie!
NC (vo): (as Ian) They said they wanted someone less attractive than Jonathan Taylor Thomas. In fact, I think that's how I'm actually credited in the cast.
(The opening shows his name under Jessica Biel as "Kid Less Attractive Than Jonathan Taylor Thomas")
NC (vo): He offers her a trip together to spend Christmas on a beach, but she's angry because she wants to spend it with her family. This forces Jake to confront this weird sensation humans call "emotions."
Allie: My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home. And what about your dad?
NC: (as Jake) Which one? I'm ditching two of them at the moment. (two pictures of his dads, played by Gary Cole and Tim Allen, appear)
(While Jake's trying on new sunglasses with the tag still on them, Ian answers the phone)
Ian: Wilkinson residence.
NC (vo, as Ian): Personal man's slave speaking.
Ian: Jake, it's your dad.
Dad (Gary Cole): Look, Jake, I'm calling to find out about you. Are you, uh, still planning on coming home for Christmas?
NC: (as Bill Lumbergh from Office Space) If you could cast me in a different movie, that'd be great.
Dad: You haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died. I think it's time that we become a family again.
NC: (as Dad) I know it's difficult, (a familiar shadow looms in the distance) but the Mouse just doesn't like mommies.
Mickey Mouse: (voiced by Doug) Is that a mother on the phone?!
NC: No, no, just a distressed adolescent going through an arc!
(Once Mickey leaves the room, NC crosses his heart, with his jaw agape)
NC (vo): His dad, sister and stepmom all say they want him to come home, but because liking a character is so lame, he still says no.
Dad: I just really want you home, son.
Jake: Well, I just don't think I can get there.
Dad: Not even if I, uh, give you the Porsche?
(Jake's eyes light up as a choir sings)
Jake: Excuse me?
(Jake then fantasizes about driving down the road in a Porsche)
NC (vo; sighs): Yep, you're hearing this right, folks. Our main character is going home for Christmas because of a bribe.
Dad: If you're home by the time we sit down for dinner, 6 o'clock, Christmas Eve, the car's yours.
Jake: Great. Bye. (He hangs up and picks up a picture of him leaning on the Porsche) You are mine. All mine.
(While NC glares at Jake, the animated Grinch comes in)
NC: Oh, hey, Mr. Grinch. What are you doing here?
Grinch: I just wanted to say this guy's an asshole!
NC: Yeah. Yeah, he's pretty bad.
(The Grinch walks away)
Grinch: Such an asshole.
NC (vo): This, of course, raises some quickly ignored concerns.
Carolyn (Eve Gordon): He cashes in the tickets, and you offer him a bribe. You see anything wrong with this picture?
Dad: Yeah, yeah, I do. But Jake's coming home for Christmas.
(Dad laughs before he gives his wife a kiss)
NC: (smiling) Best dad of the year, or best dad of all time? Or fucking enabler? You pick.
NC (vo): But, that also doesn't stop him from making it look like he's going home to see his family in front of his girlfriend. But it gets even better: it looks like her family also happens to live in the exact same neighborhood as his! I'm... so glad they both got accepted to the same out-of-state college that they both applied for after high school.
NC: But what can I say? (a logo for Dickhole University appears in the corner) Dickhole University is pretty popular.
NC (vo): Mini-Screech pages the correct answers to a bunch of jocks Jake promised to help, as... you know, the teacher's totally fine with pagers being used during a test!
(The teacher in question hears a beeping in one jock's shirt pocket, and he takes out a pager, where the beeping came from, as do several other jocks; they look toward her sheepishly)
Jock #1: Sorry, Ms. Petersen.
Jock #2: Coach likes to stay in touch.
NC (vo, as Ms. Petersen): Well, with an airtight excuse like that, I have no choice but to accept your reality. (normal voice) But another douche [that would be Eddie, played by Adam LaVorgna] who has the hots for Jake's girlfriend – yeah, let's just call him Douche 2 because there's really no difference between them; they come in the same box (an image of a box of Summer's Eve Douche appears) – stops Mini-Screech from giving the answers, causing them to fail the test, resulting him being locked in his locker.
Ian: (pounding on locker door) 3214! Aw, man!
NC: We never see him again in this movie, so I'll just assume he died.
(An image of locker 3214, where Ian is locked in, is shown, along with the message "Kid Less Attractive Than Jonathan Taylor Thomas, 1983-1998"; NC hangs his head briefly, while a single bell chime is heard)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, during your traditional college Christmas party with rave music, drinks and public domain cartoons for toddlers... (the cartoon in question, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer from 1944 (or 1948, they're interchangeable, apparently), plays in the background)
NC: (as college student) Hey, everybody, quiet down, this fucker's playing Rudolph! (grooves in his seat)
NC (vo): Jake talks about how excited he is to be with his car.
Jake: It's like it knows you and it's listening and just responding.
NC: (as Jake) Unlike people! God, I hate those things!
NC (vo): But the jocks catch up and want to make him pay for causing them to fail. So they drop him off in the middle of the desert in a Santa outfit they glued to his body. Um... is this a prank or attempted murder? I'm pretty sure this would fall under attempted murder.
NC: (grinning) Which, for this character, I'm totally fine with! (his phone rings again and he answers it with resignation) Hello?
(Cut to D-Bag on the phone; he is wearing bunny ears on his cap and holding out one thumb in a hitchhiking pose while talking on his phone in his other hand; again, the following exchange cuts back and forth between them)
D-Bag: Minor setback, Critic: I tried cheating some guys, and they stranded me on the side of the road dressed as the Easter Bunny.
NC: Why did they dress you as the Easter Bunny?
D-Bag: I don't know. Quirky?
NC: Well, at least you learned a valuable lesson.
D-Bag: Hell, no! I have a ton of other schemes in mind to get home while screwing people over.
D-Bag: In fact, I practically blackmailed my family, lied to my girlfriend, and left my geeky best friend in a horrendous situation, all before leaving! (smiles)
(Cut to Jim laying across the couch; a fire is burning and everything is scattered about helter-skelter; it's a mess)
Jim: I have no idea how this happened...
(Cut back to D-Bag, still on the phone)
D-Bag: Aren't I just likeably hateable?
NC: Look, you seem to be wired to hurt anyone you contact with. Just turn around and go home to your family!
D-Bag: No can do. There's so much more despicableness to spread. (he then hears a car honking) Oh, hey, a car that says "puppies for sick kids" is pulling over. Gotta go! (hangs up and leaves)
NC: (frantically on the phone) No, driver, don't make eye contact– (no response on phone; he puts phone down and rubs his eyes while facepalming himself)
NC (vo): So Jake is stuck in the desert with literal vultures following him.
(A vulture screeches at Jake)
Jake: I said I wished I were dead.
NC (vo, as vulture): I came to pick off what's left of your talent. I found nothing. Oh, look, Frankie Muniz was dropped off a mile down.
(The vulture continues to follow Jake)
NC: Okay, this movie might redeem itself if the rest of it is just a road trip comedy with the vulture.
NC (vo): He's already the best actor in the flick. I'm sure they trained him a lot better than they did Thomas.
NC (vo): So that leaves Biel with Douche 2 to get a ride with as, surprise surprise, he also lives in the exact same neighborhood.
NC: Again, Dickhole University. (the Dickhole Univeristy logo appears again) Keeping people asshats, but close.
Eddie: Just the two of us, riding the crest of destiny's rainbow.
Allie: First, the ground rules: if you say too many stupid things like that, I'll have to slug you. If you make me listen to any sexist, racist or homophobic jokes, I'm gonna have to slug you.
NC: Boy, the new disclaimer for YouTube comments seems pretty harsh.
NC (vo): So Jake calls his family to tell them what's going on.
Jake: Get me Dad.
Tracey (Lauren Maltby): When did I become your slave?
Jake: The day you were born.
Tracey: Oh, right. Oh, Dad!
NC (vo): Well, she seemed bizarrely accepting of that.
NC: (as Tracey) I just assume anyone born after Jonathan Taylor Thomas was a forgotten pawn.
NC (vo): His father, big shock, doesn't believe him, so he manipulates an old lady to give him a lift.
Jake: (fake crying) He's so worried about the operation! He's not thinking clearly. Our whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas.
NC (vo, as old lady): Sonny, are you trying to be funny? Seriously, are you trying to be funny? None of these jokes are landing at all.
Jake: I sent over every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa. The operation's on Christmas Eve.
NC: By God, is this bit dying. I don't know if there's anything we can do to save it.
Jake: Now I won't be home till after the anesthesia wears off.
(A yellow sphere marked JOKE is on the table as NC holds defibrillator paddles)
NC: No! I will not let you take this, joke! (he rubs the paddles together) Clear! (shock!) Clear! (shock!)
(A flatline is heard and NC takes his hat off once more; the phrase "Unfunny Routine: 5 Minutes Ago - 2 Seconds Ago" appears, while a somber bell toll is heard)
NC: A lot of death in 2016.
NC (vo): He gets a lift, but it's not very long, as one woman's teeth falls out, the Tom Jones music is too loud, pickles are spilled all over him, and... I dunno, prune juice, Wheel of Fortune, being racist about something... (an icon of a red bag, with the phrase "Old Person Cliche Bag" written on it, pops up) The old person cliche bag has it all!
Old lady: (having thrown Jake out) I never heard of such a– (slams car door shut)
NC (vo): So he walks to a nearby Christmas attraction to spend the night.
Jake: (to a Santa figure) Ho, ho, ho, tubby! Seek a fat man handshake. (shakes the hand of the Santa figure) All right! (NC stares in surprise; his eyes shift back and forth) You know, confidentially just between us Santas, don't you ever get tired of wearing the suit? I mean, every year, it's the same suit: red, red, red, red, red! I mean, does any guy really look good in red? I don't think so.
NC (vo, as director): Uh, Jon? None of this is in the script. (as Thomas) Yeah, I know; I just thought I'd do a little improvising. (as director again) Please don't. (normal) He wakes up the next morning, though, to find something unexpected.
(The Santa figures reaches out and prods Jake sleeping in the sleigh; Jake wakes up)
Santa: Wake up, chief! Time to feed the reindeer.
(Jake stares at the Santa figure, who is revealed immediately as being puppeted by another man; Jake sighs)
NC: (mouth agape) Okay, can we replay my heart's reaction to that scene we just saw?
(The scene of Jake being awakened by the man puppeting the Santa figure is shown again, this time with the addition of an image of the NC's heart beating; it stops beating at the reveal)
NC: (pointing to camera) Yeah, that stopped! That stopped right in its tracks! If we could avoid more scary imagery like that, the main character is scary enough already!
(Suddenly, Chester A. Bum pops up, as Beethoven's "Fur Elise" plays)
Chester: Oh, that's nothing! (a startled NC yelps) You act like you've never slept outside next to a statue of Santa, who suddenly came alive because of an illegal substance! What, I didn't say that, huh?
NC: You know, Chester, where have you been? I barely see you do any Bum Reviews anymore.
Chester: Well... I've been occupied.
NC: Waking up next to statues of Santa?
Chester: (eyes shift back and forth) Partly.
NC: What do I pay you for?
Chester: You don't! I'm just allowed to be in a warm, warm building, which I am very thankful for.
NC: Well, if you're not doing a Bum Review, how come you're set up like you're doing a Bum Review?
Chester: I dunno, I just kinda thought this is how you like to talk to people.
NC: Get outta here! (startled, Chester runs off; NC watches him leave) And don't come back until you do another review!
Chester: BUT I'M OCCUPIED!
NC: You'll be occupied with my foot up your ass!
Chester: Oh, please, not like last Christmas!
NC (vo): So he then gets a ride from...well, to be frank, not a bad actor, but a fascinatingly bad actor. I mean it. This guy should be studied.
Nolan (Andrew Lauer): [various scenes] Hang on, Santa, I'm coming! / Oh, man! / I have never been happier to answer that question in my life.
NC: Did Tommy Wiseau breed?
NC (vo): It's kind of amazing. Nothing this driver says sounds of this world.
Nolan: [various scenes] Rot in a state correctional facility! / Oh, no! / I went and killed Santa!
NC (vo): He sounds like a human you buy at the store and grows to life size after you place him in water.
Nolan: [various scenes] Aw, sugar doll. / I won't if you don't want me to. / Heavy. (smiles creepily)
NC (vo): I have no idea what dimension would accept this as typical human speech. It's probably the same dimension that accepts this.
(Clip from the Christmas Nestle commercial with the Farfel Dogs)
Farfels: (singing) Nestle makes the very best.
NC: Agh! UNHOLY!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Biel continues her adventures with Douche 2.
Eddie: Look, I'm a millennial type of guy–
NC: (frowning) Immediate 10 points for possibly giving birth to the term "millennial".
Eddie: I dig world music. I think Freon should be banned. What does Jake have that I haven't got?
NC: (as Eddie) No, seriously. We're written as the exact same character. I literally don't know the difference between us.
Allie: Amazing things. Things that just give me the chills.
NC: (as Allie) You know, the same way a serial killer gives you the chills.
NC (vo): By the way, here's a fun game. Count how many times her background changes in between shots.
(Piano music plays as it shows the scene outside Allie's window changing. The total number is four times)
NC: (checking his phone) Hey, at this rate, we'll be home by 7, 9 and 12 o'clock!
NC (vo): But, in yet another coinkydink, their car passes Jake's.
Nolan: Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car? With another guy? Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa, letting some other guy down the chimney? (Beat) Why, that two-timin' ho!
(NC is quite creeped out by him)
NC: There's corpses in the backseat of that van. I just know it.
NC (vo): They try catching up, but they're caught by a cop for speeding. Jake tells the cop that he's handing out toys to the children's hospital which, of course, results in the officer escorting him there and even walking in to see him give the goods in the van out to the kids. There's even a little boy whose stilted acting moves them to tears.
Jake: What do you want for Christmas?
Kid: To go home. I want to be with mi mama, mi papa, mi hermano and mi hermana.
NC: (as kid) And not to be seen as the worst actor in the movie.
Nolan: Christmas carols...
NC: (as kid) Oh, thank you. Cutting to him will help.
Nolan: I don't want to fence stolen goods no more. I just wanna–
(Right next to Nolan is the same cop that escorted them there)
Officer Max (Sean O'Bryan): I'm begging you to come home for Christmas.
NC (vo, as Max): Yeah, I gotta call you back. I think the guy next to me said something about stolen goods. (normal) Even Jake calls home, but, oh, shoot! It's his stepmom. That doesn't count.
Carolyn: Where are you now? Are you on your way home?
Jake: Yeah, look, I gotta run. So, uh, you take care now, okay?
NC: You sure the original title wasn't "I'll Be Horrible For Christmas"?
NC (vo): As the driver decides to go back home, the cop has a bit of a confession.
Max: It's my wife, Marjorie. She left me last month and, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know we could start again.
Jake: Why are you telling me this?
Max: She won't listen to me, but I got a hunch she might listen to Santa.
(NC is just double facepalming underneath his glasses at this stupidity)
NC: So this is what happens when a movie is written entirely by your toes. Your idiotic, despicably mean-spirited toes.
NC (vo): But, of course, it's on the way to where he needs to go, so...
Jake: What's the matter with you, man? You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive?
NC: If I could put that face on a dartboard and throw flaming punches at it! (the phone rings, which of course means it's another talk with D-Bag) Abandon all hope, ye who watch this movie.
(D-Bag is now driving in a car while on the phone)
D-Bag: Good news, Critic. I stole a car.
NC: Oh, that's progress.
D-Bag: I also ran into a sick kid who said he wanted to go home for Christmas.
(Sad music begins playing)
D-Bag: You know, I felt bad. Really bad that he wasn't able to go to that beautiful place he called home.
NC: So you stayed with him until his problem was solved?
(Sad music stops)
D-Bag: Nope. I burned his house down. (behind D-Bag is a burning house!) That way he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. Isn't it adorable how much you're not supposed to like me?
NC: I'm trying to be so patient with you, but you are not making it easy.
D-Bag: I know. I guess I'm complex. See you in a bit.
(D-Bag hangs up; NC just drops his phone)
NC: (puts his fist up against his cheek) Pray for everyone everywhere.
(And we go to commercial; upon return, cut to Jake's family polishing the Porsche)
NC (vo): So, while waiting for Jake to come home, his dad polishes the Porsche he promised him.
Dad: (to Carolyn) There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
Tracey: (looking at car) Oh, my God, there's a scratch, there's a scratch!
Dad: Where?! Where?!
Tracey: (smiles) Get a life, Dad!
NC: (as Tracey) But it's nice to know you care more about the car and Jake than your daughter and your wife!
NC (vo, still as Tracey): Can I get a car? (as Dad) Well, seeing how Jake proclaimed you as his slave, I don't think he would like that.
NC: (smiling) This is a good family!
NC (vo): So Jake goes to the restaurant and tries to win the cop's wife back.
Marjorie (Lesley Boone): (to Jake) After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?!
Jake: Well, you know, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right? Like brother-sister.
NC: (as Jake) You know, the kind you see in (a clip of the infamous Folgers commercial with the brother and sister couple is shown in the corner) Folgers commercials.
NC (vo): But a country band drives by and... completely off-screen, Jake convinces them to play for the cop to sing a song in order to win her back.
Max: (singing uncomfortably to "O Tannenbaum") Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie...
NC (vo): No, no!
NC: I'm sorry! You need to show how that back-and-forth went!
NC (vo): If a kid in a Santa suit said, "Hey, this cop you never met cheated on his wife, play for us..."
NC: ...I think I would ask him if (holds up middle finger) there was dirt in my nail!
(A steer is heard mooing softly while listening to Max singing, while Jake writes out the lyrics for him on order slips)
Max: (singing) I need to have you over...
NC (vo): (noticing Jake writing on the order sheets; monotone voice) Hey, look, he's writing the script in front of us. Suddenly, this movie is adding up a lot more.
Max: (walking over to Marjorie, still singing) Oh, baby, oh, baby, oh, baby...
(NC is seen holding the defibrillator paddles over the sphere labeled JOKE again; he looks up toward camera)
NC: (putting paddles down) I'm not even trying with this one.
NC (vo): So, with one couple founded on adultery happy...
(Jake spots a TV, on which he sees Eddie and Allie kissing, much to Jake's shock)
NC (vo): ...let's see if we can make another couple founded on adultery happy. Yeah, I guess you couldn't tell the difference between Douche 1 and Douche 2, either!
Jake: (enraged) I'll kill him!
NC: (as Jake) Her, I'm fine with for some reason, but him?! I'll kill him!
NC (vo): He catches a bus, but he has to convince the driver to take him to where he saw his girlfriend kissing. So he takes a cooler, places an unrealistic amount of meat some random person brought on and says it's a liver that needs to be delivered to where she is.
(The horror sting from "Psycho" is played as a slab of hamburger meat soaked in barbecue sauce is shown in a cooler)
Woman: Oh, no! We need to get to Edelbruck!
NC (vo): Oh, Christ, why don't you just have it written in crayon while you're at it– (the cooler is indeed written in crayon) OH, MY GOD!!
NC: It's crayon! It's cr– Were the magic markers too credible or were the colored pencils just too realistic?!
NC (vo): What the hell else would this crowd fall for?
NC: Quick, I have a pirate hat with a human heart for a little girl written in white-out! (NC2) That's nothing, I have a pizza box (a Papa John's pizza box is shown with "TO LITTLE BOY" written on it) with a kidney for a little boy written in dog feces! (NC3) Screw you, I have a binder with (a binder is opened showing a skull inside) a human skull for an octopus that's written entirely in Braille! It's real!
NC (vo): Of course, they all fall for it because madness doesn't take a break and Jake gets to the hotel where they're staying at (showing a worker in lederhosen with a yellow feather in his hat) I'm assuming called the Yodeling Tweety Bird.
Jake: Tell me if there's an Allie Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here.
Clerk: I'm sorry, Santa. I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
Jake: Policy does not apply to me! I override policy! (Jake pulls her close by her lanyard) I wanna know where my girlfriend is!
NC: (as Jake) Do you know who I am? I was the kid who was forbidden to sing for Disney! (a shot of a singing Simba appears in the corner)
(Jake is carried out by two security guards, but he's dropped off harmlessly)
NC (vo): Oh, come on, couldn't you rough him up a bit? Surely you have some spiked wooden clogs or something? But he finds his girlfriend and she tries to explain herself.
Jake: I saw her kissing you on TV, you dirtbag!
Allie: He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds! Big deal.
NC: Your Honor, mistletoe law is very clear on first base adultery.
Eddie: I think we're good.
(Jake then casually yanks Eddie's towel off of his body, his privates blocked by a pitcher of orange juice, then by the Walt Disney Pictures logo as NC sings its jingle)
Allie: What was I supposed to do? Beam myself home?
Jake: Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you. I had no choice.
Allie: Okay, I forgive you.
NC (vo): Forgive him?! First of all, there was no apology! Second, you kissed someone else! You're BOTH awful!
NC: Are chicks' bullshit arguments contagious?
NC (vo): But he lets slip that he has to be home by six in order to win the car.
Allie: Why do you have to be home by six?
Jake: Because that's when dinner will be ready?
(As he turns away, Allie yanks the Santa hat off of Jake's head painfully)
NC: Oh, that felt good! Can I just watch that on a loop? (a loop of Allie ripping Jake's hat off is shown) Now that I would proudly play at a Christmas party!
(The party scene from earlier is shown with the hat ripping scene shown on the monitor instead of the Rudolph cartoon)
NC (vo): So Biel ends up leaving him.
Jake: I care about you! You gotta believe me.
Allie: Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh, I wouldn't believe you.
NC: Can't tell if that's bad foreshadowing or bad humor. We can all agree it's bad writing.
Allie: You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake, but I'll tell you one thing: you're a genuine butthole!
NC: Whoa, that's like the F-bomb in a Disney film!
NC (vo): But it's all right, because now the real romance can begin.
Eddie: I would have never thought I'd ever help you out. After that massacre, man I just wouldn't be you.
Jake: God I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
NC: (as Jake) It does seem impractical, even lazy. But from one piece of shit to another, we gotta look out for each other.
NC (vo): But Douche 2 changes his mind and drops him off. Why? Because he forgot he's a one-dimensional character. No, honestly, I'm not even kidding.
Eddie: I'm sorry, man. I just can't do that much good stuff for another person, you know? It'd be way bad for my rep.
NC: (as Eddie) I'm really trying out for the next Stephen King movie to be (clip of the bullies from It) Bully Number 5.
NC (vo): But, coincidence number 30, he's dropped off at a Santa 5K. First place gets $1,000 dollars and last place an extra in Jingle All the Way.
(The 5K starts and Jake is running among all the Santas)
NC (vo): I'm so torn. I don't want him to get shit, but until he does, the movie won't end.
NC: Why couldn't this be written by George R.R. Martin?
NC (vo): One of the Santas slows down to give him a fair shot, resulting in Jake winning, but he finds out the Santa he beat was the mayor and he usually gives his winnings to feed the hungry. So he drops by his house of white potato flakes to give it to him.
NC: Well, that's nice. (NC makes a chart saying GOOD DEEDS with one tally mark. On the right is BAD DEEDS with marks filling down to the bottom) That completely balances out.
NC (vo): So he tries every way he can to get back as his father starts to sulk he's not gonna make it.
Dad: Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
NC (vo): Now, that's a line I'd like to hear in a Christmas movie. (cut to a shot of A Christmas Carol) "God bless us, everyone." (cut to a shot of It's a Wonderful Life) "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings." (back to the movie) "Even a bribe couldn't get him home."
NC: Can't you just feel the magic? (the phone rings and he's already dreading picking it up) What have you done now?
(Sure enough, it's D-Bag, who is now in a cockpit of a rocket, mashing buttons)
D-Bag: I'm in a rocket ship heading over!
NC: Wait, a rocket ship? The only person I know who has a rocket ship is Santa Christ.
D-Bag: Yeah, I manipulated him for it.
NC: Oh, my... Well, at least you didn't hurt anybody.
D-Bag: (chuckles) Oh, no. I still kicked him in the balls for the hell of it.
(Santa Christ, played by Rob, is on the floor clutching his balls)
SC: Ho-hoooo! Why would he kick me in the jingle balls for no reason? Oh, well. At least he'll still get that pizza box to that little boy.
(Cut back to NC)
NC: That's one of my friends! Why are you doing everything you can to be so awful?!
D-Bag: It's okay. I gave pocket change to a homeless person.
(A homeless woman (played by Heather Reusz, instead of Tamara) is shown with a change cup when change falls out)
Woman: Oooh, pennies from heaven!
D-Bag: I figure that more than makes up for it. So do you hate me yet?
NC: Forget coming home. Just come here before you do any more damage!
D-Bag: Will do! (he hangs up and continues mashing on buttons)
NC: (rubbing his forehead) I really hope he's not in many episodes.
NC (vo): Thankfully, Jake keeps getting dropped off at stupid places, but he finds a one-horse open sleigh that he can steal. Because compared to everything else he's done, stealing is like a drop in a bucket.
(Jake rides through a group of carolers singing "Silent Night," making them scatter)
NC (vo, as Jake): Fuck you, I'm Jonathan Taylor Thomas! (normal) And for someone who claims to have little time, he still manages to drop by his girlfriend's house.
(Allie looks outside and sees Jake in the sleigh)
NC (vo, as Jake): Hey, babe. See this one-horse open sleigh? It ain't for you. (he rides off) Bye. Ha-ha-ha-ha! (normal) No, of course, he talks to her and says he realizes the most important thing in the world is family. So he, of course, takes her away from her family to go to his.
NC: The thought, I guess.
Jake: Tell me when it's after 6, okay?
Allie: But I thought–
Jake: Shh, shh, shh. Just watch.
Allie: Watch what?
Jake: My family.
NC (vo, as Jake): Watch before I kill them. They seem pretty happy without me in there, don't they? I'll show those bastards. I'll run them over with my Porsche! (normal) So of course he shows up one minute late to prove a very confusing point, but it doesn't matter because the father gives him the car anyway. What is wrong with this idiot!?
Dad: Just a few seconds late. Here.
Jake: Oh, no, a deal's a deal. I'm sure it's gonna take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done.
Dad: Yeah. Thirty to forty at least.
NC: (as Jake) Whoa, whoa, two! I'll give you two years, Dad. I'm not running for Jesus.
NC (vo): Thus the always popular Christmas Eve parade at night in the backstreets of suburbia plays, and our hero is happy that he only did one nice thing and one standard thing he should've been doing for years.
NC: So by this film's definition, Christmas Carol would have been a happy ending if he just stopped at "Take the Day Off." Because that was both one nice thing and one standard thing he should've been doing the whole time. The rest was just filler. This movie gets Christmas!
(Suddenly, NC hears an explosion outside and goes to check, seeing Santa Christ's rocket ship has been driven right into the ground in the distance, and as he goes back in, D-Bag appears behind him)
D-Bag: I made it! I crashed into several buildings, no doubt ruining hundreds of jobs, but I made it!
NC: And that makes it okay, huh?
D-Bag: Aw, no, I gave another homeless person a $10.
(Cut to D-Bag walking by Chester, putting a ten dollar bill in his cup)
Chester: Hey, this isn't change!
(We cut back)
D-Bag: So that totally makes up for everything!
NC: Yeah, you know it doesn't.
D-Bag: What does it matter? It's like in the movie: it's fun to hate people. It's downright cool!
NC: (rubs his head) No...
D-Bag: Come on. You know you wanna hate me.
NC: I don't want to hate you. I don't want to hate anybody!
D-Bag: Come on! I've done every possible thing to piss you off!
NC: (sighs) Yeah, but–
D-Bag: I've ruined lives, hurt your friends, destroyed jobs.
NC: (sighs again and grabs his forehead) I know, but–
D-Bag: So why don't you hate me?
D-Bag: Come on.
NC: (getting increasingly frustrated) I just–
D-Bag: What conceivable reason could you have not to hate me?
NC: (snaps) BECAUSE IT'S TOO EASY!! (pause) It's the easiest thing in the world to do! Any imbecile can hate! It's lazy!! (pause) You wanna know what takes effort? Being nice. It is so hard to be nice to some people! But what am I supposed to do? Call you a jerk over and over and over, and hope that one day, you'll wake up and go (slaps both sides of his head) "I'M CURED!" Yeah, the first million times didn't work, but the millionth and one, that was the magic number! That's what got through! How likely is that gonna happen?! And don't get me wrong, there's times when we need to be angry. We need to fight. If not, we'd be goose-stepping our way to work by now! But, it should be one of the last options, not always the first, because when you get angry, you don't think straight, and people take advantage of that. And maybe you disagree with me. Okay, fine. You know what? I'll listen. I'll listen to what you have to share. And even though so much of what you say feels wrong, I'll still keep it in my mind that you could possibly be right. Because if I'm not willing to change for you, how am I supposed to expect you to change for me? I want to be patient enough to see more how we're similar rather than fear how we're different. And you know what? It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be so hard, and I'm gonna fail a lot. Hell, I've failed a lot already, but this is the one thing I'm certain the more I do it, the better I can get at it. (sighs) I may be a screw-up, but I'm tired of being lazy. And if you're tired, too... maybe we can work on being screw-ups together.
D-Bag: (long pause) Nah. Not today.
NC: Yeah, I figured as much. You know what, if you need to talk, we can talk.
D-Bag: I think I should just go home.
(D-Bag points at the floor, as a hole explodes through the floor, and D-Bag jumps down it. NC looks down the hole, seeing D-Bag in Hell with Mr. Zebub himself, played also by Malcolm)
Devil: Ah, my wonderfully disgusting nephew! Good to see you. (pats D-Bag on his back)
NC: Oh, the Devil was his uncle. Okay, that makes me feel a little better. That's like a pebble going up against a tank. (calling down) Hey, just remember if you ever need to talk!
D-Bag: (calling up) Will do! (Satan and D-Bag walk off)
(Cut to footage of I'll Be Home For Christmas')
NC (vo): The important thing about any character we're supposed to despise is that they have to connect to something we relate to. Whether they're...
(Cut to a shot of Lady Tremaine)
NC (vo): ...someone we're supposed to have no sympathy for...
(Cut to a shot of Ramses)
NC (vo): ...or someone we're supposed to have see humanity in...
(Cut to a shot of Darth Vader)
NC (vo): ...something has to be recognizable...
(Cut to a shot of the George C. Scott version of A Christmas Carol)
NC (vo): ...because it all comes from real places, and if there's no attempt to understand those real places, you lose the connection.
(Cut to footage of Jake in this movie)
NC (vo): This is why the jerk in this movie doesn't work. He's a shell of other what other great jerks were, except with none of the understanding of what made those characters interesting. We're always supposed to connect, whether we're supposed to like the character or not. If no attempt is made to understand negativity, you'll never be able to give it direction. This is why this goddamn movie fails, especially at understanding the important things at Christmas.
(The doorbell rings, and NC goes to answer it. At the door, it's Chester)
Chester: Hello, Mr. McCritic. I would like to speak to you for a moment.
(He lets Chester in the house)
Chester: I, uh, wanted to explain why I've been so occupied recently.
NC: All right.
Chester: Come on in, honey! (the homeless woman from before comes into the room) I've, uh, met someone, Mr. McCritic. This is Doe.
Chester: I've, uh, never been in love before, Mr. McCritic. At least to a human. And I humbly request time to have to spend with her. I, uh, don't know how often I'll get to reviews, but, uh...
NC: Take all the time you need.
NC: You've always been nice to me and I...haven't. And this clearly means a lot to you, so, you know, just do it when you have the time. If you have the time.
Doe: Oh, good! Then we can give you this. (she brings out a present)
Chester: That is to say, we were going to give this to you regardless of what you said.
NC: Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Doe: Well, someone gave us quite a bit of money, so we had a little extra.
NC: Yeah, but, guys, you really... (NC unwraps the present...and it's a book called "Where Am I Now?" by Mara Wilson) shouldn't have.
Doe: Do you like it?
NC: I know I'll love it.
Chester: Oh, good, that's so good. I suppose we better get going.
NC: No, wait, wait, can you stay a bit?
Doe: Oh, we don't want to impose or anything like that.
NC: You two are welcome in here any time you want.
Chester: Oh. Well, um, thank you.
NC: All right, let me just finish up this review real fast. Have a seat.
Chester: Oh, okay.
Doe: All right!
Chester: That's a real couch.
(NC heads back into the review room)
NC: Nobody knows what the future holds, but there's two things that are guaranteed. There's gonna be a lot of anger, and there's gonna be a lot of love.
(NC turns to look at Chester and Doe sitting on the couch and talking excitedly)
Doe: Your head's pretty cute.
Chester: Oh, your head's pretty cute, too. You're not even a Bears fan? They always try to eat me in the forest.
NC: (turns back) Use them wisely.
(He reaches to turn the camera off, and we come to the credits, with sad piano music playing throughout)
Channel Awesome tagline - Nolan: Why, that two-timin' ho!