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I Can Transform Ya
Date Aired
December 21st, 2011
Running Time
10:21
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Todd: Oh, Chris Brown. Had to get to Chris Brown eventually. Ugh. At the time, I legitimately thought Chris Brown was gonna go away and this was his last gasp 'cause this was not a big hit—it, like, reached #20, I think. But I heard it enough times, and boy, oh boy, did I have Chris Brown material, you know. And it is...it is a terrible song. Also I got to rant about Chris Brown and I got to rant about Transformers at the same time, both things I absolutely despise, so this was just like a...amazing whirlwind of hatred for me. Oh, it's such an ugly song. I mean, maybe it was too pissed to be funny, I don't know. But I...I'm glad, and I will probably continue beating on Chris Brown as long as he sticks around 'cause seriously, screw that guy. All right, Chris Brown, featuring Lil Wayne and Swizz Beatz - "I Can Transform Ya."

[Fades out]

[Fade into Todd playing "I Can Transform Ya" on his piano.]

Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne & Swizz Beatz
"I CAN TRANSFORM YA"
A pop song review

Todd: Hey. Chris Brown's back on the pop charts. Isn't that great? I have a question—how many [HuffPost article entitled: "Rihanna Bloodied, Beaten, Bitten by Chris Brown (UPDATE)"] beautiful celebrities do you have to beat the living crap out of before it ends your career?! More than one! I thought we were done with Captain McPunchesagirl over here, but apparently I was wrong because he's back with his new song, [single cover of...] "I Can Transform Ya." Yeah, that's his... that's his big message after the whole domestic abuse thing—he can transform you, just like he transformed his girlfriend's face in...into... Look, I'd better get this all out of my system now, or that's just gonna be the whole review. For the record, Chris Brown beat on a girl. Chris Brown beat on a girl. Chris Brown repeatedly punched a tiny 19-year-old girl in the face!

Clip of "Say Goodbye"

Todd (VO): To be fair, just because Chris Brown is a sorry excuse for a human being, doesn't mean that his songs are bad. Although for the record, most of his songs are pretty bad. So what's the explanation for this? How's this jerk back at all?

Todd: Well, I think we have no choice but to attribute that to the sheer hit-making power of human lizard [two pictures, one of a lizard] Lil Wayne, who's also on the track. Now you may ask, "well, wait a minute, why didn't Lil Wayne shun Chris Brown like everyone else in the record industry did?" Well, I can't fault him for that 'cause this is all part of Lil Wayne's ambitious project to collaborate with everyone in the music business anywhere. [Single covers of "The Showdown"...] Eminem, ["Give It Up to Me"] Shakira, [pictures of...] Fall Out Boy, Weezer, Beethoven, Moses, everyone.

Still, "I Can Transform Ya"? I mean, that's kind of an awkward title for a song. Why did they call it that? Well, here's why.

Video for "I Can Transform Ya." A luxury car transforms into Chris Brown.

Todd (VO): Yep, there it is—your first hit song based entirely around Transformers.

Lil Wayne: Go hey Lil Mama
I can transform ya

Todd (VO): Yeah, I guess that's supposed to be the sound of Autobots transforming or something. I mean, I don't know, I never really watched Transformers. But there is this, there's your song, there's your beat. There's what they based the song off of. [Imitates sound effect] Wanna-wah, wanna-wah

Todd: That one mechanical grinding sound. That's it. That's your beat.

Todd (VO): Wanna-wah I mean, no chord changes, no melody, no notes, just some noisy percussion and one ugly sound effect repeated over and over.

Todd: Wanna-wah

Lil Wayne: I change your life...

Todd: Wanna-wah

Chris Brown: Whatcha...

Todd: Wanna-wah

Lil Wayne: Chris...

Todd: You know, maybe at the beginning of this decade, you could it, you know, "intriguingly minimalist," but now let's just call it was it is—lazy! I mean, I can do that! I mean...let's get some drums. [Turns on drums on keyboard] And you throw some random noise on top of that! [Repeated noise including chainsaw] There. There's your beat.

I can transform ya
I can transform ya

Todd (VO): I mean, what is this supposed to be? Like...Nine Inch Nails R&B? I mean, Nine Inch Nails did write tunes for their songs too.

Todd: If you were gonna sample something for your Transformers-based song, well, why not, oh I don't know..."The Touch"?!

Clip of Stan Bush - "The Touch"
Stan Bush: You've got the touch

Todd (VO): Or is that too awesome to sample? Or, you know, then how about just the theme song?!

Clip from the original animated series
Chorus: Transformers...more than meets the eye

Todd (VO): Or even the Linkin Park songs from the [Clip of "New Divide"] movies?! You know, something other than wanna-wa, wanna-wa?!

Chris and Lil Wayne: I can transform ya
I can transform ya

Todd (VO): You can transform a clear head into a migraine, apparently.

Chris: Take you from an amateur to being professional
I can have you swag surfing (Chris Brown has never looked stupider.)
Whatcha need you can have that
My black card they don’t decline that

Todd (VO): Poor Chris Brown. I mean, he's trying so hard to find a melody. I...I just feel bad for him.

Todd: Oh, no, wait. [Shows HuffPost article] I don't. Well, in any case, now we know what inspired the title. But what does it actually mean in context? "I can transform you"? Into what?

Lil Wayne: Weezy transform a good girl to a freak

Todd: Oh, okay, you make those good girls go bad. We already have a song for that. [Clip of Cobra Starship - "Good Girls Go Bad"] And speaking of, wasn't there once that other good girl gone bad?

[Album cover of Good Girl Gone Bad by...Rihanna]
Cobra Starship: Good girls go bad

Todd: Oh, right. Yeah, I hope that's not who this song is for, Chris Brown I mean, that's not really [HuffPost article] in good taste. And you know what? I'm guessing this song is not based on the [clip of...] cartoon show. I mean, that show ended years before Chris Brown was even born. So I gotta assume this is all from [logo from...] the movies then. Well, if I can step into film criticism for just a moment here...I don't think I've ever seen a set of films more excruciating than the Transformers series!

Clip from Transformers
Julie: Were you...masturbating?
Sam: No! I don't masturbate!
Ron: That's not something for you to bring up.
Julie: If that makes you uncomfortable, you can call it...Sam's happy time... (Transformers: More than meets the eye.) ...or my special alone time.
Ron: Stop.

Todd: I mean, as experiences go, watching Transformers is a lot like two-and-a-half hours of being punched in the face! So I guess I see why [HuffPost article] Chris Brown likes them. But I am, for the record, mighty amused that a bunch of black guys made a song based on what is probably the single most racist movie since Birth of a Nation.

Clips from the Transformers movies
Mudflap: Let's pop a cap in his ass, throw him in the trunk and then nobody gonna know nothing, know what I mean?
Jazz: What's crackin' lil bitches?
Bobby Bolivia: Hey, baby! [Woman flips him off] If I had a rock, I'd bust your head, bitch.
Glen Whitmann: Hey, man, I'm still a virgin.
Mudflap: Read? No. We don't really do much reading.

Todd: Not...not that [article about Lil Wayne's sentencing on gun charges] Lil Wayne or [HuffPost article] Chris Brown are positive image setters themselves.

Lil Wayne: I can transform ya like a transformer

Todd (VO): Oh, gee, thanks for the clarification, MC Obvious!

Lil Wayne: But I’m just getting warmed up
So tell ya man he better get his Voltron up

Todd (VO): No! No!

Todd: You created the flimsy premise for this song, you don't get to switch to a different 80s cartoon just 'cause you ran out of rhymes for "transformers"! I mean, there are a lot of rhymes for "Care Bears," but that's not what the song is about! I will give Lil Wayne this, though. He has accurately and perfectly captured the mentality of an eight-year-old watching Transformers.

Lil Wayne: Then my car transforms to a charter
Then I transform me to a Bugatti

Todd: And then it turns into a car, and the car turns into, like, a helicopter, and it's got, like, lasers and it's like [imitates gunfire], and the lasers turn into machine guns and the machine guns turn into, like, a boat, and it's like [imitates boat]! Excuse me. Oh, and by the way, the deeper I delve into Lil Wayne's mindset on this song, the more I realize Lil Wayne is into some weird stuff, man.

Lil Wayne: Cause her form puts me in a trance
I transform smaller and she puts me in her pants

Todd: Yeah, I'm not even touching that one, and that's not even the weirdest line in the song.

Lil Wayne: And she gon' transform like Optimus Prime

Todd: Okay, see, what I got out of that is that Lil Wayne is turned on by women he can compare to hundred-foot-tall alien death robots. And then there's this.

Lil Wayne: I transform her to a Ducati

Todd: I'm usually not a buzzkill, and I try not to complain about women being treated as objects, but there is a line to be drawn, and that line is when you start fantasizing about a woman who's actually, literally [picture of...] a motorcycle! But of course, Lil Wayne redeems the song's materialism and misogyny with his amazing charisma and wordplay and blah blah blah... Look, I don't really get Lil Wayne, all right? He's okay. I don't find him as interesting as everyone keeps saying I'm supposed to.

Todd (VO): I mean, let's face it. This is a repulsive song. It's ugly to listen to, and its message is awful. It's saying, "hey, girl, I buy you stuff and you become my prostitute."

Chris and Lil Wayne: Shoes, you got it
Bags, you got it
Cars, you got it
Money, you got it (Caption reads: "Money, still got it")

Todd: I'll buy you cars, I'll buy you jewelry, I'll buy you top-notch medical care after I wail on you.

Yeah, I know. I totally failed not to make this review all about Chris Brown being a worthless human being. But you know what? As much as I dislike Chris Brown, I don't blame him for this song. I blame you! Chris Brown doesn't choose which of his songs become popular. I know he tried to release a bunch of simpering apology songs. But no, you didn't want to hear Chris Brown say he's sorry, did you? No, you wanted to hear Chris Brown tell you that he'd buy you things and you'd be his sex slave. And that doesn't say good things about Chris Brown, but it says some really questionable things about you!

I hate this song!

Todd (VO): This song just makes me feel dirty listening to it. I can only think of one way to describe how I feel listening to this song.

Todd: It makes me feel like a giant alien robot is urinating on me. [Clip from Transformers. Bumblebee pisses on Agent Simmons] Yeah, like that. Good night.

Closing tag song: Transformers theme

THE END
"I Can Transform Ya" is owned by RCA/Jive
This video is owned by me

Todd: Wanna-wah

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