Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
July 24, 2012
(Fade in on an exterior shot of a two-story house, complete with the sound of an applauding audience as if starting a sitcom)
Announcer (played by Brad Jones, aka Cinema Snob): “’80’s Dan” is filmed in front of a live Thugee sacrifice.
(Dissolve to ‘80s Dan and his team watching the trailer for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” on TV)
‘80s Dan: Horrendous!
Dolly: Poppy shit.
‘80s Dan: It’s horrendous poppy shit.
Mr. Crabtree: Anus bubble.
Mrs. Crabtree: Cancer sore.
Mr. Crabtree: Vomit dick.
Dolly: Douche sucker.
‘80s Dan: Turd!
R.O.B. the Robot (a toy robot that sits between the two women): Well, I, for one, loved it.
Mr. Crabtree: Shut up, Rob.
R.O.B. the Robot: You’re a dick!
(Canned laughter is heard)
‘80s Dan: Can’t believe they made another Indiana Jones movie.
Mrs. Crabtree: I can’t believe they made it so god-awful.
Mr. Crabtree: Years of waiting and…this is what they give us.
Dolly: A human being cannot survive a nuclear blast in a fridge.
(All four begin to briefly argue simultaneously)
‘80s Dan: It’s totally useless, anyway. The original trilogy is perfect.
Mrs. Crabtree: Yeah! “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” “Last Crusade”…
‘80s Dan: And, of course, the best out of all of them, “Temple of Doom.”
(All four argue simultaneously once again; soon, the Nostalgia Critic enters in via green screen in front of a wall, supposedly before the group)
NC: Okay, stop! I’m sorry, I hate to interrupt via green screen effect…I don’t even know where you guys are positioned; hopefully, you’re looking in my direction, but I’m sorry, I can’t let this fly!
‘80s Dan: What are you talking about, ‘80s Doug?
NC: “Temple of Doom” sucks!
(All four in the group argue simultaneously once again, then the title screen for “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” is presented, followed by a montage of clips from said movie)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, I know people really hate “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” but how come “Temple of Doom” always gets a free pass? It has some of the silliest scenarios, the stupidest lines, and the most obnoxious characters! So how come this one usually gets overlooked whenever talking about bad Indiana Jones flicks?
‘80s Dan: Because it’s awesome.
(NC now sits at his usual desk)
NC: It’s not! It’s terrible! And to prove it, I’m gonna go over it and show just how friggin’ silly this film is!
‘80s Dan: [Chuckles] You’re gonna find something silly in an Indiana Jones film? Heh! Good luck there, pal.
NC: (frowns) Let’s begin.
(The movie begins, starting with the Paramount Pictures title card before it fades in on a mountain image carved on a giant gong in a Shanghai nightclub)
NC (voiceover): Well, at least to its credit, it does start off like an Indiana Jones movie. I mean, you got the mountains, the ruff and gruff tone, the epic feel of adventure, the…
(A musical number begins with an American female performer named Willie Scott (played by Kate Capshaw) standing in front of the gaping mouth of a dragon with female background performers performing with fans; there is also an additional scene of more dancers in sequined costumes doing a tap dance number)
NC (voiceover): …dancing Broadway singer, the line chorus, the…tap-dancing number...did I just pop in a copy of “That’s Entertainment!” by mistake?
(The tap dance number is presented, and in addition to the sequined costumes on the dancers sparkling, the entire soundstage sparkles)
NC (voiceover): What the hell is this? Would you ever guess this is an Indiana Jones movie just by the opening?
‘80s Dan: That’s why it’s so great! It plays with your expectations, and it catches you off-guard.
NC: But it has nothing to do with anything. I keep expecting the cast of “Blazing Saddles” to bust in!
(Cut to a scene from “Blazing Saddles” in which the main cast bursts in on the film set of a Broadway dance number)
Taggart: (to the director) Piss on you! I’m working for Mel Brooks!
(Back to the movie, the musical number finishes)
NC (voiceover): Well, it turns out this musical number was at a high-class restaurant in Shanghai. Though where they hid that giant soundstage they were dancing in earlier is anybody’s guess. (Green arrows point in random directions all around the nightclub, plus a question mark is placed at the center)
(Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) sits down at a table to meet with a crime boss named Lao Che and his men)
NC (voiceover): (as Indiana Jones, speaking like Humphrey Bogart) Of all the lame-ass sequels and lame-ass franchises, Lucas had to make one in mine.
Lao Che: You found Nurhachi?
Indiana Jones: You know I did.
NC (voiceover): So Indy’s about to exchange an ancient artifact, but not until he gets paid. But they don’t want to pay until they get the artifact.
(Willie Scott has joined in at the table)
Lao Che: (to his son, who’s holding a gun low at the edge of the table) He’s going to deliver him now.
Willie: Say, who is this Nur—
(Indiana grabs Willie by the thigh, pulls her over and quickly grabs a giant fork from a tray and holds the fork at her ribs)
NC (voiceover): Our hero, everybody! When he’s not holding knives to women’s backs, he’s drowning puppies in buckets of poison. Then again, I guess Indy always has been a bit of a prick when it comes to helping women. He holds a knife to his future love interest…
(Cut to clips from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” featuring Indy and Marion)
NC (voiceover): …he finds his other girlfriend kidnapped, only to leave her behind, he has another chance to save her but throws it away just to see (sarcastically) what’s in the box!
(Cut to a clip from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” with Indy holding onto Elsa over a bottomless crevice)
NC (voiceover): And Elsa? Well... (Elsa’s glove slips out before she screams and falls to her death) ...she was a Nazi, anyway.
(Back to the movie)
Indy: The diamond, Lao.
(Lao Che makes the exchange on a circular turntable disk with a diamond covered up in a cloth, a bag full of coins, and a martini glass, and he turns the disk toward Indy)
Lao Che: You bring me Nurhachi.
(Indy makes the exchange by placing a small urn containing the remains of Nurhachi on the turntable disk and turns it)
Willie: This Nurhachi’s a real small guy.
(NC adds in a rimshot sound effect here)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, that galaxy of non-pleasure is known as Kate Capshaw, playing the ever-annoying love interest Willie.
Willie: (stands up to show the holes Indy made with the fork earlier) He put two holes in my dress from Paris!
NC (voiceover): She’s so obnoxious that even when Indy is poisoned and threatens to kill her for the antidote, the gangsters don’t give a shit!
Lao Che: You keep the girl, I find another! (He and his men laugh)
NC (voiceover): I wish the screenwriters had the same attitude.
(A male waiter (named Wu Han) takes Indy’s finished martini glass, places it on the tray and lifts the tray up to reveal he’s holding a gun underneath it; Lao Che and his men stop laughing)
NC (voiceover): Indy has a backup waiter, but he just proves to be a wasted script page.
(Wu Han is shot in the chest (in secret as a champagne bottle is popped open from a different table) from the gun from one of Lao Che’s henchmen; Wu Han collapses before Indy would catch him and hold him up)
Indy: Don’t worry, Wu Han. I’ll get you out of here.
Wu Han: Not this time, Indy. I followed you on many adventures.
NC (voiceover): (as Wu Han) None of which we’ll address or make movies about.
Wu Han: Into the great unknown mystery...I go first, Indy! (He slowly dies)
NC: Farewell, totally pointless Lucas character. You’ll be buried next to Mac from “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” and the Bothans from “Star Wars.” (Images of said characters appear on either side of him respectively)
(Indy goes to a fiery shish kebab tray a waiter brings out to take a shish kebab and throw it at a henchman in the chest, killing him and starting up a panic among the other guests in the nightclub)
NC (voiceover): But he offers a Shish ka-die, and there’s an all-out melee for the antidote and the diamond.
(Lao Che’s other henchmen appear from within the panicked crowd to throw their sharp weapons at Indy, though the way the weapons are thrown are pretty slow and not so convincing)
NC (voiceover): Oh, thank God they have the slowest moving knives. But he (Indy) manages to fight his way out using the cover of BALLOONS!!
(Hundreds of balloons fall from the ceiling during the melee)
Pennywise the Clown (from It): Try a bunch!
(After the balloons have fallen, we get a clip of Pennywise lightly knocking on his crotch going “Ha-HA! Ha-HA! Ha-HA!”)
(Cut to Indy and Willie jumping out a window and through the roof of a covered car; a small Asian boy named Short Round is in the driver’s seat and looks up to see where the two had fallen)
Short Round: Wow, holy smoke!
NC (voiceover): And now I introduce you to the second most annoying character in this movie: That pile of puke from “Goonies,” Short Round.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, now you’re picking on a kid? That’s just low.
Dolly: It’s not like he was Jake Lloyd.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, that kid was shit.
Short Round: (plays cards with Indy in a later scene) You cheat, Dr. Jones! You cheat!
NC (voiceover): Yeah, I don’t care if he’s a kid. I don’t care if that’s his real accent or not. The squirt is fucking obnoxious! Why? Because he shouts every single one of his lines!
(A montage of clips of Short Round shouting his lines is presented)
Short Round: You said to stand against the wall!/Dr. Jones, what are you lookin’ at?/Don’t drink! It’s bad!/Strong wood! Come on!/Crash landing!/Let’s go!/It wasn’t me! It’s her!/Hold onto your potatoes!
NC (voiceover): Yeah! Practically every other line he says in this movie, he screams at the top of his lungs!
NC: (scoffs) And is there anything more annoying than someone that just screams every other line they say? (He screams his next line) I MEAN, THAT’S REALLY OBNOXIOUS!
NC (voiceover): But on the plus side, at least we know Lucas would never partake in another overly annoying racial stereotype in his film career. He’d just save himself for the especially annoying ones. (An image of Jar Jar Binks from “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” appears briefly)
Indy: (to Short Round after having landed in the car) Step on it!
Short Round: Okie-dokie, Dr. Jones. Hold onto your potatoes!
Willie: For crying out loud, there’s a kid driving the car!
NC (voiceover): Oh, come on, it’s China. The kid should have, like, five jobs by now.
(After a shootout between Indy and Lao Che’s men, Indy had asked Willie to hold his gun, and she accidentally drops it outside the car because the hot gun was hurting her hands)
Indy: Where’s my gun? Where’s my gun?!
Willie: I burnt my fingers and I cracked a nail!
NC (voiceover): That’s right, folks. We just did a “broke a nail” joke. We’ve successfully insulted both women and Chinese, and we haven’t even gotten to the Indian stereotypes yet!
NC: Let’s celebrate with a pointless Dan Aykroyd cameo.
(Short Round has driven to the airport where Earl Weber (Dan Aykroyd) waits for them)
Earl Weber: Ah, Dr. Jones. I’m Earl Weber. I’ve spoken with your assistant. Uh, we managed to secure three seats. But there might be a slight inconvenience as you will be riding on a cargo full of live poultry.
NC (voiceover): And we wonder why we don’t see him in movies anymore.
(Indy is about to get on the plane and sees Lao Che and his son standing nearby)
Indy: (chuckles) Nice try, Lao Che!
NC (voiceover): But it turns out the plane has been sabotaged by Lao Che, and they—
‘80s Dan: Oh, I remember! He has the most diabolical plans for them.
NC: Oh, what? Do the pilots slit their throats while they’re asleep or shoot them in the back or something?
‘80s Dan: No.
‘80s Dan (voiceover): They conveniently fly them all the way to India, then jump out of the plane, leaving all their cargo behind.
NC (voiceover): Well, wait, why the hell did they do that? They jump out of the plane into the middle of nowhere. They’re in the mountains! They had a plane, and they just jumped out of it! Wouldn’t it have made more sense if they just killed them and then still delivered that cargo to their destination?
(Everyone in ‘80s Dan’s group lightly laughs)
‘80s Dan: No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
(Indy readies a lifesaving emergency raft (since all the parachutes are gone) and prepares to jump out)
Willie: A boat? We’re not sinking! (She shrieks her next line as she points out toward the mountains at the front of the plane) WE’RE CRASHING!! (She places her pointed hand at her mouth in fear as she shrieks again)
Indy: Grab on, [Shorty!]
NC (voiceover): Jesus. Did she really just bite her fist? Why don’t you just give her a frying pan and a rolling pin throughout this movie?
(All three of our heroes jump out of the plane as the raft inflates with them on it and Willie continuously screams during the fall)
NC (voiceover): Uh, no. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (lightly laughs a bit) No, no, no, no, no. No. NO, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (Beat) No.
(The raft lands safely on the snow and slides downhill)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, I don’t care if it’s Indiana Jones. That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen! I mean, I gotta be honest, it’s gonna be really hard to top that.
(After a long sled ride down the hill, the raft slides off the edge of a high cliff)
NC (voiceover): No, NO, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!!
(The raft lands safely in the middle of a raging river)
NC (voiceover): (sighs) So let me get this straight.
(Cut to a clip of the infamous fridge scene from “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”)
NC (voiceover): Surviving an explosion in a fridge is going too far, but…
(Back to the movie with the raft going over the cliff from before)
NC (voiceover): ...this…THIS is totally believable! This is now going beyond any realm of plausibility that you would find distracting!
‘80s Dan: Well, yeah, that was a fridge. This is a raft.
Mr. Crabtree: Yeah, they’re totally different.
(NC sighs and collapses his head forward onto his desk in disbelief)
NC (voiceover): They come across an Indian Doc Brown and he shows them their village where, apparently, their evil government has taken a magic stone, which caused all the water to dry up and the crops to die. And apparently, they took all their children away as well and forced them into manual labor, most likely stolen by this man. (An image of the Child Catcher from “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” is shown briefly) They do this because...children make better workers than adults twice their size and strength?
Henry Jones, Sr. (from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”): This is intolerable!
NC (voiceover): So the mission is on for Indy to find the stone and bring back the children. Well, obviously, this is too dangerous to bring a small child and a useless comic relief with... (Our heroes each get on elephants, and Willie gets on, ending up facing backwards) DAMNIT!
(Indy has motioned for the elephants to start walking)
Willie: I can’t go to Pankot! I’m a singer! Oh, I need to call my agent. Is there a phone, anybody? I need a phone!
NC (voiceover): Why does he bring her along, anyway? I mean, the kid, odd to say, can be useful sometimes, but she has literally done nothing to contribute. Is it just that the village doesn’t want to put up with her anymore?
Willie: Oh, I need to call my agent. Is there a phone, anybody? I need a phone!
(The village shaman stands by the spot where the sacred stone was stolen and says a wishful prayer in Hindi; NC places the following fake subtitles underneath him: “Thank you for sending the annoying white woman away. We shall celebrate by watching Rob Schneider movies.”)
NC (voiceover): Well, maybe somewhere down the line, she’ll do something of value—(During the trip, Willie takes out some perfume to place on her elephants head (since it stinks to her)) Oh, God.
(The elephant makes a bellowing sound in reaction to the perfume placed on its head)
Willie: Oh, quit complaining. This is expensive stuff.
(NC clutches his head in frustration and groans heavily)
Willie: (places more perfume on the elephant’s head) Oh, pipe down, you big baboon. This doesn’t hurt. You know what you really need? You really need a bath.
(The elephant takes some water from a nearby river and uses its trunk to hose her off its back, making her fall into the river)
Batman (from Batman and Robin): This is why Superman works alone.
NC (voiceover): That’s right, movie. You made me quote “Batman and Robin”! This character is so horrible, that I was FORCED to use A “BATMAN AND ROBIN” QUOTE!!
Willie: (sobs) I was happy in Shanghai. My friends were rich, we went to parties all the time in limousines. (She angrily splashes the water) I HATE being outside!
Yak (from “The Ren and Stimpy Show”): SHUT UP!! I can’t STAND it anymore!
Willie: (gasps during her sobbing and speaks in a high voice, pointing at her throat) I’m a singer! I could lose my voice!
NC: That’s it. (slaps his hand on his desk before taking out a few pieces of paper to write something on it) I’m changing my Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress! I’m switching her out with Jubilee and putting Willie in the #5 spot! (An image of Jubilee from the “X-Men” animated series slides off-screen before Willie slides in place) Yeah, Jubilee’s fashion sense was much weirder, but you know what? She fucking tried! (He gestures to the camera, referring to Willie) Her...
Willie: (splashes the water angrily) I HATE being outside!
NC: Oh, CHRIST! Take her out, Marion!!
(A clip of Marion from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” shooting something off-camera intercuts with an image of Willie exploding)
NC: By God, she’s awesome!
Indy: I think we’ll camp here tonight.
(Cut to nighttime with Willie sitting behind the campfire drying off her wet clothes as her elephant playfully places its trunk on her face)
NC (voiceover): Well, at least they decided to burn her. That’s the least this movie can offer us.
(Nearby, Short Round and Indy are playing cards)
Short Round: What have you got?
Indy: Two sixes.
(While Willie tries to hang up one of her clothes on a tree branch, she accidentally grabs a squealing giant bat, and she screams in reaction to it)
(NC holds his head and groans in frustration)
(Clips of Willie running about and reacting to various jungle animals she sees by screaming are shown, first with a monkey, then a snake, and then an owl)
NC (voiceover): What, did they take a shortcut through the Pankot zoo? Every animal in the world is in this freakin’ area! All we need is Pee Wee Herman to turn on his goggle lights!
(A clip from “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” is shown with Pee Wee Herman turning on his goggle lights, screaming at the sight of various farm animals standing around)
(Back to the movie, Willie calms down to talk with Indy at the campfire)
Willie: Why are you dragging us off to this deserted palace? (Indy presents an old manuscript of a pictograph representing Sankara (a priest) and Shiva together) That’s Shiva, and what’s he handing the priest?
(Willie’s elephant places its trunk on Willie’s face; she shoves it away)
Indy: He told him to go forth and combat evil. And to help him, he gave him five sacred stones with magical properties.
Willie: (lightly chuckles) Magic rocks. Fortune and glory. (She gets up to sit at a different spot to rest) Sweet dreams, Dr. Jones.
NC (voiceover): (as Willie) I believe in a magic carpenter who came back to life as a zombie, thank you very much! (normal) So they make it to the palace where they seem to be greeted with friendly people.
Indy: (introduces himself to Chatter Lal, Prime Minister of the Maharaja of Pankot) This is Miss Scott. This is Mister...Round?
Short Round: Short Round.
Indy: My name is Indiana Jones.
NC (voiceover): (dubs over Chatter Lal) Well, you all seem like perfectly normal people to be taken seriously. Let me take you to the center of our government. (normal) So they meet the ruler Maharaja...verdict still out on the gender there...and we partake in one of the more famous scenes in the movie.
(At dinnertime, the guests are first presented Snake Surprise, which contains a platter of dead boa constrictors; a server cuts a belly open from one of the constrictors, allowing wriggling little snakes to come out; cut next to insects being served as a dish)
Dinner Guest: (to Willie while eating a beetle) You’re not eating?
Willie: I had bugs for lunch.
NC (voiceover): You know, as a person who loves Indian food, I should be insulted by how culturally insensitive this is, but if there is a culture that can make this stuff taste good, by God, it’s the Indian culture! So I’ll give it a pass.
(At dessert time, all the guests are each presented with the heads of dead monkeys on goblets)
Dinner Guest: Chilled monkey brains. (He removes the top of his monkey’s head)
(A server removes the top of Willie’s monkey head for the shocked Willie; the dinner guest eats the chilled brains, and after the server places a spoon in Willie’s monkey’s head, she rolls her eyes back, groans and falls backward to faint)
NC (voiceover): Oh, come on, lady. What do you think you’re gonna eat when the original caretaker from “The Shining” is at the head of your table?
(NOTE: NC is referring to the character Captain Phillip Blumburtt, played in this movie by Phillip Stone)
Chatter Lal: (to Indy) There are no stories anymore.
NC (voiceover): So the Prime Minister says he never heard anything about stones of power or kidnapping children, which means this gives Indy plenty of time to check on his Willie. (Beat) No, I’m not kidding. That’s literally how he puts it.
(After dinner, Indy and Short Round head for their room)
Indy: I’ll think I’ll just check on Willie.
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Check out the reaction on that kid. If a man said he was going to check on his Willie, I would have the exact same reaction.
Indy: Uh, I’ll think I’ll just check on Willie.
Short Round: (says nothing at first, but then walks backward into their room) That’s all you better do.
(Indy approaches Willie’s room)
NC (voiceover): Thus Indy goes to gaze at his Willie, and we partake in romantic banter.
Indy: I’m a scientist. (He eats an apple)
Willie: So as a scientist, you do a lot of research?
NC (voiceover): (as Indy) I see you left your soft focus on.
(Indy and Willie gently kiss)
NC (voiceover): But it turns out they both want to play hard to get, and they go to their rooms waiting for the other one to enter.
(In their respective rooms, Indy and Willie wait quietly on their beds as lightly comical music plays in the background score; at one point, Willie tries to get comfortable on one side of the bed and ends up falling out)
NC (voiceover): Okay, [John] Williams, tone down the whimsy on the comedy music. You’re making Looney Tunes music look subtle.
(An assassin comes out of hiding to attack Indy by choking him from behind, and Indy tries to fight back; Willie comes out of her room angry)
Willie: Indiana Jones! (She rolls up her sleeves) This is one night you’ll never forget!
(During the fight, we see that Short Round is asleep)
NC (voiceover): Really? The kid is sleeping through all of this? Surely, the sound of people not laughing at Kate Capshaw’s jokes would have woken him up eventually.
(Short Round suddenly wakes up as Indy throws his whip at the assassin, catching him at the neck; Indy throws his whip up at the ceiling fan, which pulls the assassin up, choking him to death; Short Round’s eyes shut tight as he grimaces at the sight)
NC (voiceover): And that wins for silliest “Indiana Jones” death. (Cut to a clip from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” with the climactic scene involving Dietrich and Toht’s deaths) And given the death scenes in these movies, that’s pretty impressive.
(In Willie’s room, Indy discovers an entrance to a secret tunnel by pushing a naked female statue back into the wall; this surprises Willie)
NC (voiceover): So Indy finds a secret passage in one of the rooms and brings down the grown mature adult who will accompany him. Oh, wait. No, sorry, he brings Short Round with him instead. Because she is literally SO GODDAMN annoying, that the young little Chinese boy who can barely speak English is actually more useful!
Willie: (calls out into the passageway) Indy!
NC (voiceover): But they get caught in a booby trap...which I guess makes sense; it was introduced to them by a boobie door...and Willie has to go in and save them.
(Willie screams at the sight of the hundreds of thousands crawling insects that cover an entire portion of the passageway; Short Round tries to hold up the closing ceiling)
Short Round: Willie, hurry!
Willie: (speaks into a hole where she can see Indy and Short Round) I can’t do it.
Indy: You can do it. Feel inside.
(Willie looks into the other hole to see insects blocking the opening)
Willie: (yells angrily into the first hole) You feel inside!
Indy: (makes an angry fist that he sticks out of the hole) Do it now!
NC (voiceover): (as Indy) You know what? Let it crush us. It’s more dignified to go out this way than to know we had to be saved by her.
(Willie successfully digs her hand through the second hole and pulls back a fulcrum lever, allowing the ceiling to go back up and open up the booby-trapped room)
NC (voiceover): They escape the trap and work their way to a sacrifice that (speaks sarcastically) I’m sure the Hindu religion is totally behind!
(A Thuggee worship ceremony is being held as the followers chant together)
Indy: It’s a Thuggee ceremony. They’re worshiping Kali.
(Cut to the Kali-Ma statue with the face of the Nostalgia Chick's dog, Kali, superimposed over the statue’s face, then Mola Ram, the evil villainous high priest, steps out)
NC (voiceover): Oh, no, it’s the “Manos: Hands of Fate” guy. (An image of The Master from said movie appears next to Mola Ram for a brief comparison) Hey, give him some credit; that guy’s phony baloney nonsense is probably closer to a real religion than this one is.
(A human male victim is brought out as he’s placed in a cage and locked into place by Mola Ram’s assistants; the victim repeatedly says to himself “Om Namah Shivaya,” which means “Adoration to Shiva”)
NC (voiceover): And because all religions are 100% factual in the world of Indiana Jones, the stones do in fact have supernatural powers. It’s weird; they even reference the coexistence of other gods in this movie.
Mola Ram (in a later scene): Then the Hebrew God will fall, and then the Christian God will be cast down and forgotten.
NC (voiceover): This film should be called “Coexist: The Bumper Sticker: The Movie.” (A Photoshopped sign labeled COEXIST (with the use of symbols from the most well-known religions) with accompanying text is shown)
(Mola Ram approaches the victim and places a hand on his heart)
NC (voiceover): And apparently, those stones do some really freaky ass shit, too!
(Mola Ram sticks his hand into the victim’s chest and pulls the heart out; the victim screams, cut NC’s face changes to a state of shock with his mouth agape as the scene continues, cut to the cage being faced downward and two doors in the floor open up to reveal a lava pit, cut to NC still shocked, cut to the cage being lowered toward the lava pit, and the victim yells, cut to NC still shocked, then flaming balls of fire start to engulf the victim as his heart, being held up high by Mola Ram, catches fire as well, then NC’s eyes widen in surprise, Mola Ram laughs evilly before the cage finally enters the lava pit, then NC tilts his head forward a bit to absorb what he’s seeing, cut to Mola Ram laughing evilly)
NC: JESUS CHRIST, MOVIE!!
NC (voiceover): I mean, I know the Indiana Jones films can be crazy in their death scenes, but...HOLY SHIT! This is like something a psycho would write! God, it’s like how they fire journalists at Fox News!
(Earlier in the scene, as the cage is being prepared to face downward, the victim repeatedly says quickly “Om Namah Shivaya!” with the following fake subtitles placed in by NC: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say Obama had a point! I won’t tell Glen Beck to stop crying again. I swear I thought ‘Fair and Balanced’ really WAS a joke.”)
NC (voiceover): So once Indy sees they just use the stones to creatively kill people and...I don’t know...make Jack-o-lanterns, he sneaks towards the holy relic with no guards, of course, and takes it for his own. But he hears the sounds of children in distress and sees that the villains are using them to mine for more magic stones.
Dwarf Chorus (from Disney’s “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”): (audio) Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho / It’s home from work we—
(As a goon whips a child nearby, we get sound effects of whipping and someone yelping in pain)
NC (voiceover): All of them (our heroes) get captured trying to save the kids, and...honestly, this is one of my major problems with the movie: It’s just downright unpleasant. I mean, yeah, the other films have creepy scenes and crazy visuals and such, but the whole middle of this movie is just dark caves, people being whipped and children in pain. Yeah, fucking sign me up for that, please!
Prisoner: (to Indy and Short Round) I pray to Shiva, “Let me die!” But I do not.
(A clip of a shootout scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” is shown briefly)
NC (voiceover): The other films could get grim, but there was a sense of fun and clever lightheartedness to set it off.
Willie (from earlier in the film): I’m a singer! I could lose my voice!
NC (voiceover): I said “Clever lightheartedness”! This is mostly just watching people suffer. It’s not fun and it doesn’t add to anything particularly dramatic, so it just seems sort of needlessly cruel.
Mr. Crabtree: Oh, come on, it has a point. It’s to make the film more memorable.
‘80s Dan: Yeah, everyone remembers Creepy Weird Skull Hat Guy.
NC: Oh, yeah? What’s his name?
‘80s Dan: Creepy Weird Skull Hat Guy.
(NC slaps his head and rolls his eyes as we get canned laughter in the background and ‘80s Dan’s team laughing as well before they all freeze in place for a subtle pose)
Announcer: “’80s Dan Meets the Nostalgia Critic” will be right back after these messages.
(Fade to black)
(Fade back on ‘80s Dan’s team still in their frozen poses)
Announcer: We now return to “’80s Dan Meets the Nostalgia Critic.”
(NC shifts his eyes back and forth in puzzlement and then leans his head in a bit)
(The team is still frozen in place)
NC: You guys okay?
(The team is still frozen in place; NC waves his arms a bit to get their attention; nothing happens, so he resumes the review with some uncertainty)
NC: So they take him (Indy) to the...
NC (voiceover): ...torture chamber. They try to make him drink from Dhalsim’s head, but he does the unthinkable: he spits it out! (He gasps and speaks quickly in his next statement) Holy shit, I once never thought of doing that, wow! But they beat the crap out of the little kid to force him (Indy) to drink it.
(After drinking down the potion, Indy is placed on a stone slab surrounded by small candles, and he convulses, yelling in pain)
NC (voiceover): So the juice apparently turns Indiana Jones into Bizarro Indiana Jones, totally possessed by the worst of humanity.
(Indy gets up calmly and then lightly laughs to himself, almost insanely)
NC (voiceover): (as Indy) Midichlorians is a great idea! (He laughs maniacally)
(‘80s Dan’s team is still frozen)
NC (voiceover): This leads him to try and sacrifice Willie to the lava pit. (lightly chuckles) Okay, maybe he’s not totally possessed by the worst of humanity.
Willie: (as she’s dragged over to the cage) I’m not going to have anything nice to say about this place when I get back!
NC: The feeling’s mutual about your performance, honey.
(Mola Ram chants something in Hindi and is about to place his hand on her heart but doesn’t)
NC (voiceover): The villain, for some reason, DOESN’T take her heart out...a shame; I was looking forward to rewinding that a few times...but the kid manages to escape his chains and try to help Indy. How come he’s the only kid who figured out how to break his bonds? Did really none of the other kids figure out just to smash the chains with a digging tool? Maybe being a Chinese kid, he’s used to escaping physical labor.
(‘80s Dan’s team is still frozen)
NC (voiceover): Sadly, though, he isn’t able to snap Indy out of it.
Short Round: (shakes Indy’s hand) Wake up, Dr. Jones! Wake up!
(Indy slaps Short Round in the face with his shaken hand)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) I love this scene. It’s nothing but abuse to Willie and Short Round. I could watch it forever.
Short Round: (takes a lighted torch and jabs it into Indy’s chest) Wake up, Indy! Wake up!
NC (voiceover): But Short Round burns Indy’s ribs with fire, which…somehow affects his stomach and/or brain, and brings him back to normal.
(Indy and Short Round fight off the thugs while one of them re-releases the lever that bring the cage down to the lava pit, but then stops)
NC (voiceover): Oh, come on, the other guy was set on fire when he was that close. Her perfume alone has to be flammable!
(Indy goes after Mola Ram)
Indy: Mola Ram!
(However, Mola Ram is seen suddenly lying down to slide through a trap door in the floor and escape)
NC (voiceover): (dubs over Mola Ram as a Batman villain) Until next time, Batman! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
(Indy and Short Round manually pull a giant wheel back to bring the cage back up)
NC (voiceover): So he pulls his Willie out...
(NC grimaces, trying not to give the hint of a double entendre)
NC (voiceover): …but she isn’t aware if it’s him or not. So she slaps him…
(Exhausted after being pulled out of the cage, Willie slaps him in the face with a hard “smack” sound)
NC (voiceover): ...making a punch sound effect for some reason...until she realizes he’s back. So they all go to save the kids...strike that...Indy and Short Round go to save the kids while Willie just watches. God, I hate her! While Indy has his battle with the second-to-last boss you usually find at the end of a video game.
(Indy and the giant thug have their fight on a conveyor belt which leads to having stones get crushed at the other end of the line)
NC (voiceover): You know, the fight choreography in this ranges from action-packed to Goofy cartoon.
(In a few clips, NC demonstrates this with a “Boing!” sound effect (after the giant thug throw a mallet aside, landing on a guy’s head), a coconut “Bonk” sound effect (when Indy attacks the thug on the sides with buckets), a “Wang!” sound effect (as the giant thug drops a giant rock on top of his head), and a Goofy yell (when the giant thug ends up getting crushed by a roller at the end of the conveyor belt))
(Cut to a thug attacking Willie from behind, and she yells; Short Round comes in to yell before attacking the thug with a plank of wood)
NC (voiceover): (as Willie) Oh, save me, tiny little Asian boy! I hope Indy never knows he can do better than me. (normal) They get to the mining cart to escape, and...yeah, I’m not gonna lie, this is actually a pretty cool action scene.
(A mine cart chase ensues before we see that our heroes’ cart with the Donkey Kong theme playing and the two thug’s cart are across each other high above a fiery pit, and the thugs grab for Short Round, holding him over the pit)
NC (voiceover): Though it is weird how the kid’s arms and legs suddenly grow double their size when they’re fighting over him. He looks like a Chinese Stretch Armstrong.
(A stretching sound effect is placed over a shot of the carts above the pit and Short Round suspended over it, and a “Pluck!” sound is used when the thugs let go and Short Round is pulled back in)
(Cut to outside with Short Round and Willie having finished crossing a wooden bridge)
NC (voiceover): They get split up and...big shock...Willie and Short Round are captured.
(Willie makes a bloodcurdling scream as she sees Mola Ram and his henchmen standing there)
NC (voiceover): Oh, come on, lady. Tommy Wiseau’s yelling is less over-the-top than that!
(The clip of Willie screaming is shown again)
NC: (mimics Tommy Wiseau) You are tearing me apart, Creepy Weird Skull Hat Guy!
NC (voiceover): And I think most of you know this setup: He’s (Indy) in the middle of the bridge and is looking for a way out.
Indy: (brings his sword up and yells to Mola Ram) Prepare to meet Kali...in hell! (He’s about to strike downward)
(Quick cut to a clip from “Suburban Knights” with Cinema Snob bringing his sword down on a playground bridge (while surrounded by two hooded figures), to no effect)
NC (voiceover): (chuckles) I couldn’t resist.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): No, here’s what really happens.
(Indy successfully splits the bridge in half, sending many Thuggee plummeting to the river below to be eaten alive by alligators)
NC (voiceover): Thank God, those gators only have a taste for black cloth. I think the real guys swam away, like, a minute ago!
(‘80s Dan’s team is still frozen)
NC (voiceover): Here’s another silly moment; Indy actually makes the guy (Mola Ram) punch himself.
(Such a scene is shown as a result of Mola Ram trying to take out Indy’s heart and he pulls the hand away)
NC (voiceover): Were half of these fight scenes choreographed by a fifth grader?
(The same clip of Mola Ram being punched in the face is repeated a few times)
NC (voiceover): (as Indy, speaking like a taunting fifth grade bully) Quit sacrificing yourself to Kali! Quit sacrificing yourself to Kali!
(Mola Ram climbs back up the bridge)
NC (voiceover): And I’m not sure what the point of this is.
(Mola Ram deliberately pulls a Thuggee off the bridge, making him fall to his death)
NC (voiceover): (as Mola Ram) Ha-ha! Now I don’t have to pay for his health care.
(Mola Ram falls back to where Indy is (after Short Round and Indy repeatedly stomped on his hands))
NC (voiceover): They fight over the stones (which are in Indy’s bag), when Indy says one of the more strange lines in the movie.
Indy: You betrayed Shiva. (He starts speaking Hindi)
NC (voiceover): He says the magic words and the rocks burn out of the bag with the villain falling quickly behind, but what I don’t get is why he’s so pissed that he betrayed Shiva. He said it was all mumbo-jumbo earlier in the film, so why is he suddenly so invested?
Indy: You betrayed Shiva.
NC (voiceover): (as Indy) I will totally steal Jewish artifacts and become immortal, but anyone who betrays Shiva? FUCK YOOOOUUUUUU!!!
(Indy grabs for a stone as Mola Ram falls to his death)
NC (voiceover): So Indy saves his Willie, gets one of the stones back, and returns the children to the village.
Willie: No more adventures with you, Dr. Jones.
Indy: Sweetheart, after all the fun we had together?
Willie: If you think I’m going to Delhi with you or anyplace else after all the trouble you’ve gotten me into, think again, buster! I’m going home to Missouri where they never feed you snakes before ripping your heart out...
NC (voiceover): It’s official. We’re editing you out of the special edition. We’ll just replace you with Jabba the Hutt or something. (An image of Jabba the Hutt is placed over Willie briefly)
Willie: (seeks help from a male villager) Sir, I need a guide to Delhi. Could you...
(Indy suddenly uses his whip to bring Willie over by the waist)
NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah, one fractured hip later...
(Indy and Willie are about to kiss but get sprayed with water from the trunk of an elephant Short Round rides on)
NC (voiceover): So Indiana Jones whips his Willie, gets his Willie wet, and even kisses his Willie in front of all these innocent children. What else can you say but “Feels so wrong”?
NC: There, that was “Temple of Doom”. By far the...
‘80s Dan: Best Indiana Jones film ever.
NC: Aw, jeesh, really? After all that?
(Clips from the movie play again as NC and ‘80s Dan give their final thoughts)
‘80s Dan (voiceover): Well, you know, it’s very campy, it has a dark tone, and it takes itself probably more serious than it needs to, just like a real B-movie serial. Part of the fun is that it is so over-the-top and intense, unlike “Crystal Skull,” which was more safe and forgettable.
NC (voiceover): Well, to your credit, I can kind of see where you’re coming from. While I don’t think it’s a good movie...and I mean by any means...you can at least make the argument that it is an unforgettable movie, and that at least it went all the way with what it was doing. Where “Crystal Skull” technically doesn’t have as many bad things in it, it also didn’t take as many risks and left very little of an impact on most audiences. So when you get down to it, I guess the real question is what’s worse: Something horrible but at least memorable or something average but totally forgettable?
‘80s Dan: Whichever one means “Temple of Doom,” I’m down for that.
NC: Is “down for that” technically an (makes the quote-unquote fingers motion) ‘80s term?
‘80s Dan: Don’t question my reality.
NC: So I guess the debate for which is the worst Indiana Jones movie is still up for arguing. But there is one thing that I know for sure: I am so glad that I do not have to live in the ‘80s anymore.
‘80s Dan: It’s okay. They’re glad not to have you.
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and thanks for the team at ‘80s Dan for getting through this movie with me.
‘80s Dan: There’s only one way to end this, guys; Freeze frame.
(The entire team laughs heartily as the screen actually freezes on the team even as they continue laughing)
(As the end credits roll, NC tries to join in the freeze frame moment by having his fist in the air but can’t hold it much longer and tries to hold his arm up with the other hand; he eventually weakens and leans forward, collapsing face first on his desk)
NC: (raises his head up) How do you do that?
Channel Awesome Tagline—Willie: I’m a singer! I could lose my voice!
(Cut to an outtake with ‘80s Dan and his team)
‘80s Dan: Yeah, everyone remembers Creepy Weird Skull Hat Guy. (Beat, then breaks character and speaks toward the camera) His name is Mola Ram, you asshole. (He and the others laugh)