Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas
December 6, 2016
"Dr. Claw as Santa? Yep, this was a thing, and it’s just as crazy as it sounds."
(After the Nostalgia Critic 2016 opening, we start off on a view of Planet Sha7u#o?Wz, which is a highly advanced alien society. We cut to Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers as aliens on this planet)
Mayor: As mayor of...the universe, (addressing a crowd of other aliens) I award C.C. Cuckooclocks as the biggest lover of Christmas in all of the galaxies. (He puts a medal around her neck) Her love of this holiday is unrivaled by...anyone. Yes.
(The crowd cheers for her)
CC: Thank you all so much for this award. I'm very flattered by it. It is so wonderful to know that no one in the entire Solar System, anywhere else, loves Christmas as much as I. (A boom is heard) What was that?
Mayor: Well, it sounds like the light barrier being broken. (BOOM) And the speed of time being warped. (BOOM) And every conceivable ozone layer being shattered.
(We cut to a scene of something zooming in space before cutting back to the Nostalgia Critic floating down into the city. The other aliens are confused until...)
(His Christmas cheer is so powerful it destroys the entire planet!! All that's left is a nebula where the planet once stood before NC clears his throat)
NC: (nonchalantly) I win.
(Scenes of Christmas decorations are shown)
NC (vo): When life gives you lemons, you say "Fuck lemons, where's my Christmas?" It's the greatest time of the year, and we're once again gonna celebrate all the merriment it has to offer. The snow, the hot chocolate, (cut to a picture of cosplayers of Walter White and Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad sitting next to Santa Claus while holding up a bag of Blue Sky meth) whatever the hell I'm looking at here, Christmas has everything.
(Now, NC is at his usual spot)
NC: And as part of celebrating the holidays, we also have to look at the weirdest parts of it. (Cut to a clip of Patrick Stewart with an hat singing "We Are Santa's Elves" and dancing on his head) No, not Patrick Stewart wearing a singing elf hat. (He catches the mouse cursor trying to check the video out) You can watch that later. I'm, of course, talking about Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas. (He catches the cursor again)
(The title of the aforementioned Christmas special is shown, before showing the clips from it)
NC (vo): It's a weird list of people who have saved Christmas, isn't it? (Posters of other "Saved Christmas" movies and specials are shown) Ernest, the Berenstain Bears, the Glo Friends, Elmo, Mater from Cars, Diego, the Bratz Babyz, escaped mental ward patients (Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas), Felix the Cat.
NC: It kind of feels like anyone can save Christmas, it's not particularly hard.
NC (vo): So why not throw Inspector Gadget into the mix? Based on the hit kids show about a bumbling inspector and his ignored prodigy of a niece, this special aired in December of 1992, just six years before its cinematic followup still awaiting an apology tour.
Gadget (Matthew Broderick): Nooooo! I gotta get out of here. (Chatters with his teeth)
NC: That man was nominated for an Oscar.
NC (vo): The great thing about this special is it's pretty much exactly what you think it's gonna be. The first few images that pop into your head when you hear this title is 100% what it consists of. It's ridiculous in the ways only Inspector Gadget can provide.
NC: So let's Go-Go Gadget Dollar Store Cash-in, this is Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas.
(The special begins with a wooden sign with neon lights saying "SANTA'S WORKSHOP")
NC (vo): We start off outside the incredibly well-advertised Santa's Workshop. You know, you're sending mixed signals with the wooden sign yet electric lettering.
NC: Why don't you just put this on while you're at it?
(The sign now has a dancer on a stripper pole while HOES HOES HOES has been added to the sign)
NC (vo): Santa wakes up his workers with his synthesized trumpet playing.
(Santa is seen blowing on a trumpet)
NC: A man of many talents.
NC (vo): And he wakes them up again by singing because apparently the trumpet did nothing.
Santa: Rise and shine, elves! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Elves: (singing to the tune of Jingle Bells) Rise and shine, he says / From our elfin' beds.
(NC is surprised)
NC: Did they just say their effing beds? (The line plays again) Guys, kids are watching.
Elves: ...and cap our elfin' heads!
NC: Okay, the swear jar's over there.
Elves: Jingle bells, elfin' bells...
NC: Christ, does your music need a Parental Warning? (An album is shown titled "Let's ELF Shit Up!")
NC (vo): The lyrics get even more grim the further you listen to them.
Elves: Die another day / For our elfin' pay / Play is work and work is play...
NC (vo): Man, Santa runs a pretty unforgiving setup. Imagine these words being spoken instead of sung.
NC: (as Santa) Yeah, die another day. Making toys for Santa isn't work, it's play. (He looks to the camera) Play is work. Work is play.
NC (vo): So after we realize Santa shanghaied the Keebler elves through some sort of illegal cloning ring, our main villain, Dr. Claw, enters the picture.
(Dr. Claw pets Mad Cat before putting on a Santa suit and gloves, letting out an evil laugh)
NC: Yes, this is really happening. Dr. Claw is dressing up like Santa. (NC is shaking his head and facepalming) I am not prepared for this kind of silly. Maybe if I watch this. (The Patrick Stewart clip is shown again) Okay, okay, let's try it again.
Claw: I, Dr. Claw--
NC: (taking his glasses off) Nope, not working!
(NC breaks down laughing)
NC (vo): I have so many questions. First of all, wow. Who knew Dr. Claw was so short?
NC: I guess sitting down so much just gives you the shin length of Hank Hill's father. (A picture of King of the Hill is shown with Hank, Bobby and Cotton Hill)
NC (vo): Second, his arms seem to have gotten pretty scrawny, don't you think?
NC: Does he eat carbs?
NC (vo): Third, (sighs) what exactly is his scheme again?
Claw: I, Dr. Claw, will ruin Christmas myself, and the world will blame Santa Claus. (He pulls out the hat Mad Cat was sitting on, making him flip into a wreath, and laughs)
NC: That's a weird plan, buddy.
NC (vo): What do you care if you ruin Christmas or even if Santa gets blamed? Your focus used to be robberies, terrorism, obtaining power. What does making Santa look lazy accomplish?
Claw: Santa's name will be slush. His reputation will be ruined. Hehehehe!
NC: (as Claw) And I will have the honor of...having done that.
NC (vo): No wonder you kept losing to an eight-year old. Your criminal plans center about what eight-year olds care about. You're making (Clip of Dr. Claw from the live-action movie) this guy look credible now!
Claw: What? How dare you!
NC (vo): So Dr. Claw uses his mind-controlling hats on the elves--
NC: Because this is our reality for the next half hour.
NC (vo): --and operates a hook crane to lift Santa.
Santa: Get me down!
NC (vo, as Santa): Jack Skellington, I told you I'm done with this shit!
(Santa is dropped down a tube sealed in a grate)
Claw: Only one person can stop me now, and my MAD agents will stop him first.
NC: Eh, soon as I figure out how to stop the snow from looking like streams of urine. (A shot of the snow falling down in streams is shown) Seriously, are a bunch of snowmen taking a piss up there?
NC (vo): Thus, we see Inspector Gadget at his house, as MAD agents try to get him. (One agent ends up leaping into his Go-Go Gadget Legs, bouncing him into another MAD agent coming in through the window, making them roll into a snowball outside) Look at this. They couldn't even get the original Inspector Gadget theme song.
(Another MAD agent tries to cut a hole in the ice Gadget's on, only to sink instead. The theme is just the singers going "Inspector Gadget")
NC: Oh, come on! The theme song was, like, half the show! What's this shit they're playing?
(Another MAD agent sneaks up on Gadget while he's delivering presents, only to be stuffed into the chute instead)
Singers: Inspector Gadget! Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oh...
NC: (to the theme song) We're clearly making this up / As we goooo!
NC (vo): They, of course, fail to stop him, most likely because of his offscreen Portal gun. (Gadget walks off to the left and then comes back down from the top)
NC: How'd he--? What?
(Gadget is seen sitting on a fake Santa's lap)
NC (vo): As Inspector Gadget is given his next assignment from the Chief, once again, undercover.
Gadget: But where's the real Santa?
Chief Quimby (voiced by Maurice Lamarche): He could be in trouble. Here, your assignment will explain.
NC: Boy, the Chief is sounding like Clint Eastwood after a million Marlboros.
Quimby: I know. Now get off the phone.
NC (vo, as Quimby, in Clint Eastwood voice): Do you feel jolly, punk?
Gadget: (Reading the assignment) "Suspicious activity at North Pole. Suggests MAD plot by Dr. Claw against the real Santa Claus."
NC: (as Gadget) You know, the thought occurs to me that we're rather Claw-centric. Have we ever thought about going after ISIS, drug lords, the people who make the Madea movies?
Gadget: I'll get to the bottom of this.
(As usual, he tosses the self-destructing note into Chief Quimby's pipe which he tries to blow away, but it ends up blowing up in his face)
NC (vo): (as Quimby) You know, this has happened so much it's actually starting to feel good. (normal) So Gadget, being the caring uncle that he is, of course, brings his niece Penny along, who...
Penny (voiced by Erica Horne): ...with Santa Claus and his elves. Ha-ha! Tough break, huh, Brain?
NC: ...is clearly voiced by a different actress.
NC (vo): Oh, come on! How could you replace (picture of) Cree Summer? She's, like, a voice acting giant! She was perfect for Penny Gadget.
NC: How dare they get a little kid to voice a little kid! What's wrong with you?!
NC (vo): Well, maybe her acting's so good it's a fitting replacement.
Penny: This must be where Dr. Claw hid Santa's real toys.
NC: Okay, well, maybe she's popular in the other things she's been in. Like... (VHS box of) Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout--I have no idea why they chose this person.
Penny: Oh, look, Uncle Gadget. Santa's village. It's a Christmas dream come true.
NC: (as Penny) If only we could fix the reception!
(NC smacks on the screen like he's trying to fix the static on the windshield)
NC (vo): Gadget falls in the snow, but he quickly gets out with a bit of comedy.
(Gadget uses his Go-Go Gadget Legs to get out)
Gadget: If you get my drift.
(Penny and Brain laugh at it)
NC: (as Penny) Ha-ha-ha. I invented a laser watch. This humor's beneath me.
NC (vo): So we saw how easily Dr. Claw snuck in. I wonder if they beefed up at all--(Gadget and company just walk in through the front door) Do they even lock their doors?!
NC: Aren't you even afraid those elves might be kidnapped by Willy Wonka when you're not looking?!
(A picture of Willy Wonka surrounded by Oompa Loompas is shown)
NC (vo): Gadget, of course, goes to greet who he thinks is Santa.
(Claw lets down the screen window to shake Gadget's hand)
Claw: Ah, Gadget. You're always welcome at the North Pole.
NC (vo): (as Gadget) Why, Santa, you're sounding charmingly satanic today.
Gadget: My chief has a silly idea that the notorious Dr. Claw has infiltrated the North Pole.
Claw: Ho, ho, ho.
NC: (laughing) Okay, I'm just calling it right here. I think Dr. Claw should be our new Santa. Dr. Santa Claw!
NC (vo): Hearing him say "ho, ho, ho" is my everything. Christmas would be amazing if he was Santa. Just imagine him greeting kids at the mall.
(We cut to Dr. Claw as a mall Santa greeting kids, starting with Tamara)
Tamara: I want a dolly, and a gumball, and a tea set.
Claw: What you need is a trip to my fire pit. (He pushes a button and Tamara falls down a trap door into a fire pit) Hahahaha. (The next kid is Jim Jarosz) What do you want?
Jim: I want a puppy.
Claw: Puppies suck. Get a kitten.
Jim: I hate kittens. Kittens are all stupid and boring.
Claw: How dare you!
(He presses a button and Mad Cat jumps onto Jim's face, clawing him. He's greeted by the mall manager, Roger (Malcolm))
Roger: Dr. Claw.
Claw: What's up?
Roger: I can't help but notice all the children you're torturing in horrific ways.
Claw: It's not my fault discipline is dead.
Roger: Dr. Claw, just what are you exactly a doctor of?
Roger: I have a hard time believing that.
Claw: I have a hard time believing your face.
Roger: Now, that's not called for.
Claw: Oh, piss off, you pansy. (He presses a button and a safe drops on Roger) Oh, when will they realize any one of these kids could invent a computer book and ruin all our schemes? And just ahead of my time.
(And we go to commercial)
NC (vo): So Penny starts to put together that something might be up.
Penny: Hi! I'll bet you have some great Santa stories, Mr. Elf.
(She waves her hand in front of the vacant-eyed elf who stares into space. As she puts her hand in front of him, a siren sound is heard)
NC (vo): Interesting sound effect choice.
NC: Did he have flashbacks from when he was on the ship in Alien?
(The same clip is shown, only now with a clip of Ellen Ripley running through the Nostromo like he's having flashbacks)
Penny: Nice talking to ya! (She pulls Brain off to the side) There's something weird going on here, Brain.
NC: (as Penny) Yeah, there's something weird about these elves, magical talking dog.
NC (vo): So, of course Penny, once again, has to save the day while Gadget just makes things worse. God, I wish she got the credit she deserves. I mean, I know it's good to be humble and everything, but her picture would be placed above J. Edgar Hoover's by this point! Don't you think Brain would get a little pissed off seeing how he's always the one who has to save Gadget while she calmly snoops around? Why does he always get the short end of the stick?
Penny: Come in, Brain. You follow Uncle Gadget. I'm gonna find out what's going on.
Brain: ("translated" via text onscreen) Bite Me Ya Brady Reject! I'm Tired of Babysitting Inspector Clouseau's Hand-me-downs! Even Scooby Got a Break from Shaggy Once in a While!
Penny: What next?!
Brain: ("translated") Don't Talk to Me.
NC (vo): So Gadget inspects the factory as well as the toys. Or rather, sings about it.
Gadget: (Singing to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas") On the first day's inspection good Santa showed to me: a mountain bike with Gadget training wheels.
NC: (holding his phone like he's trying to get a signal) Do his vocal chords have one bar? What's up with the audio?
NC (vo): How the hell did his voice go from this...
Gadget: (speaking clearly) Go-Go Gadget Magnifying Glass.
NC (vo): ...to this?
(The song plays again, though Gadget's voice sounds much different*)
- Gadget's singing voice was Maurice LaMarche
NC: For crying out loud, I think he literally phoned this in!
NC (vo): Was he just sitting at his home like...
NC: (as Don Adams on the phone and channel-surfing) I don't wanna come down to the studio. I'm too busy seeing who played a worse me! (Clips of the live-action Inspector Gadget movie and Steve Carell as Maxwell Smart in Get Smart are shown before he puts the remote down) I'll just record it in my garage. I hear the accoustics there are amazing. (He gets up and leaves the room) Would you believe semi-amazing?
Gadget: (singing) On the fifth day's inspection good Santa showed to me...
NC (vo): (singing) A song that goes on too long because we need some filler and it's public domain so we don't have to pay for it.
Gadget: (singing) ...and a jet-propelled Inspector Gadget.
(Gadget flies down the same hole the real Santa was stuffed down)
NC (vo): Gadget is tossed into the same holding cell as Santa as...wait a minute.
NC: I know that's where Santa's being held, it's like a special dungeon so he can't get out and everything, but... Why does Santa have one of those in the first place?
NC (vo): This workshop is getting creepier and creepier. Maybe Dr. Claw's more of a hero than we gave him credit for!
Gadget: Go-Go Gadget Interrogation Device!
NC: Yeah! Inspector Gadget might have the right idea this time!
(The device in question being a feather to tickle Santa with)
Gadget: Was it Dr. Claw? Talk!
NC: Okay, that's a little weird.
Santa: (laughing) Yes! Dr. Claw! Ha-ha-ha!
Gadget: Ha! You expect me to believe that?
NC: Why do I get the feeling this is gonna be a sequel to the movie (poster of) Tickled?
NC (vo): Is there a Santa-getting-tickled fetish?
(Realizing what he just said!)
NC: (facepalming) Don't tell me if there is! (He quickly grabs the cursor trying to go look it up)
Gadget: So far you failed to shake like a bowlful of jelly and--
NC (vo): Okay, this special needs an R rating, cause I swear he said "shit like a bowlful of jelly."
Gadget: You failed to shake like a bowlful of jelly--
NC (vo): (as Gadget) Those Metamucil cookies I always left out every year did the trick!
(Gadget is pulling on Santa's beard to the point he's pressing his foot on Santa's stomach)
Gadget: Your eyes don't twinkle, your dimples aren't merry, and this ratty fake beard wouldn't fool anyone!
NC (vo): Well, this is horrific. Is this what you were expecting, kids? Watching your childhood icon get the shit beat out of him by law enforcement? (A "Merry Christmas" caption pops up) Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!
NC: Gadget's not really doing much saving Christmas, is he? He's more...Guantanamo-ing Christmas.
(Audio clip from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)
Gangster: Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Penny has to figure out what's going on with as little conviction as possible.
(Brain mimics Gadget being in a cell by holding the bars of a chair)
Penny: He's in a jail cell? That's bad.
NC (vo): Urrgh, goddamn it, kid!
(Unknown to Penny, the elves are spying on her)
Penny: You found the real Santa Claus? That's good!
NC (vo): Oooh! You're turning one of the greatest child heroes into a Leapfrog preschool game!
NC: Can you spot what's good and bad?
(The left picture shows ice cream and the right shows a cartoon kid having stubbed his tow. The left picture now has a bunch of puppies and the right is now a poster of Fant4stic. As NC points at these pictures, audio clips of Penny saying "That's good/bad" are played)
Penny: Uncle Gadget put a dog collar on Santa?
NC: Okay, this is getting a little weird for me! The tickling, the dungeon, the effing elves were one thing, but this is a kids show!
NC (vo): Inspector Gadget escapes and helps Claw load up his sleigh. Oh, I'm sorry, are you sure Gadget's not the villain here?
Gadget: But haven't you forgotten Dunderhead, Blitzkrieg and the other reindeer?
Claw: I'll take care of everything myself.
NC: (as Claw) You know I should really fire my strategist if this is the person I'm losing to all these years!
NC (vo): But Brain and Penny try to get the elves back to their normal selves. (Penny and Brain were on the ground floor and now they're up on the hook) Especially after they've mastered teleportation.
NC: Is Scotty just traveling back in time and randomly beaming people? (Picture of Scotty from Star Trek on the bottom and the other two offscreen teleportation scenes are shown)
NC (vo): But they find the control and return them to their usual swearing selves.
Elves: (singing) Jingle bells, eflin' bells...
NC: You are all getting soap for dinner!
NC (vo): But Claw isn't done yet.
(Dr. Claw is getting into his flying car)
Claw: Too little, too late, Gadget.
NC (vo): Oh, come on, even his sleigh's cooler! Why can't he be Santa?
Claw: When I deliver these defective toys, you can't stop me from ruining Christmas!
NC: (as Claw) Wow. The first time ever, Mad Cat, I truly listened to what I said out loud. I'm a buffoon.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Go-Go Santa Reindeer!
NC (vo): (as Santa) Ha, ha, I just quoted a man who tortured me for hours. Insanity 1, my mental health 0!
(Santa's reindeer start smashing the ice that Dr. Claw's car is on)
NC (vo): The reindeer's antlers somehow dig through an iceberg of solid mass...
NC: Steroid oats.
NC (vo): And sink Dr. Claw's plan into the ocean.
Claw: I'll get youuuu!!
(Even though the elves are back to normal, their eyes look like they have thousand-yard stares)
NC (vo): Look at the blank stares on those elves. They've seen things. Things they can never explain nor...
NC: ...wish to understand.
NC (vo): Just move on. Never look back.
(Suddenly Chief Quimby parachutes in)
Quimby: I don't know how you did it...
NC: Ahh! Where'd you come from?
Quimby: ...But you saved Christmas for the children of the world!
Gadget: No time for that, Chief. Christmas awaits!
NC: (as Quimby) But I've been waiting for hours somehow in the sky! It's like the Bermuda Triangle of air pockets!
NC (vo): So Santa gets his sleigh going and even invites Gadget to go along with him.
(Santa's sleigh is flying into the night)
Group: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in Santa's open sleigh!
NC: (as Santa) Okay, we're high enough. Let's toss 'em! (NC throws Gadget off the sleigh) Don't mess with the Claus!
NC (vo): So that was Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas. It's pretty much what you'd expect from it. It's silly, ridiculous, and doesn't make a lick of sense, but that's part of what you expect when you watch Inspector Gadget. If you hear the title "Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas" and you have any interest in it whatsoever, it's probably gonna give you what you're looking for: Gadget acting like a dummy, Dr. Claw trying to take over the North Pole, Brain getting hurt in the process. The only thing that sucks, like I said before, is Penny always getting the shaft. I hate that. She's the one doing all the hard work, she should get the credit. It's not fair, I tell you. It's not fair.
NC: Can we just one day see Penny get what she deserves? (Static interrupts the show) What? What is that?
(We now cut to a shadowy room where a cartoon Penny sits surrounded by monitors, and voiced by Cree Summer, who did her voice on the original show)
Penny: Greetings, people of the world. For years, you've been under the assumption that my uncle, Inspector Gadget, was a respected detective for the Metro City Police Force. This was all just a cunning ruse. Did you really think such a bumbling dick with the voice of Don Adams could accomplish super-impossible feats and still be human? For God's sake, he has a fucking helicopter in his head! And yet nobody questions where the hell his brain is. I created the Gadget 9000 prototype, and you dumbasses fell for it! And now that I've created artificial life, I shall unleash it on an unsuspecting world! Your tanks and stealth bombers are no match for the hellfire I'm about to unleash!
Penny: Do you know how difficult it was to constantly be in the shadows as that incompetent shit got all the credit? I compressed the entire internet into my textbook, taught a canine how to simulate human speech, and created the Apple watch before Steve Jobs was out of his mother's basement! Gimme another ten years, I would've created a fucking Matrix, complete with a Keanu Reeves that can actually act.
(Static occurs again)
Penny: You thought the real enemy was MAD, but they were Merely A Distraction. As long as Gadget and Claw fought, the police were always occupied. For, you see, I was foiling MAD's plans so that when the time came, I could seize control of your governments, your thermonuclear warheads, your lives! For I am Penny, Mother of Gadgets, Breaker of Brains! I will take back the honor that was stolen from me and destroy those that stand in my way! (looks at something off-camera and speaks calmly and cutesy) Isn't that right, Uncle Gadget?
(A large, Terminator-looking version of Gadget, voiced by Doug, comes out)
(Penny is again looking at the camera and smiling evilly)
Penny: Penny for your thoughts, bitches?
(We then cut to Cree Summer at MomoCon handing NC the iPad she recorded that speech on)
Cree: Does that work?
NC: (stammers) Yeah, but you were supposed to just say, "Ooh, I don't like that, Uncle Gadget."
Cree: (as Penny) Yeah, not anymore.
NC: (nervously takes the iPad) Okay.
Channel Awesome tagline - Penny: That's bad!