Internet Dating and Me
July 26rd, 2013
(The narration segment begins with the Webmaster and Thomas eating some food off of paper plates)
Webmaster: This tastes like paper.
Thomas: I know. You can hardly tell the difference.
(WM is disgusted and hands his plate to Thomas)
WM: This is why God invented trans-fats (Eats a donut and is furthur disgusted) What is this?
Thomas: It's a soy donut. I call them "so-nuts." (WM pukes into his hat) Tasty, isn't it?
WM: (straightens himself up as the creepy music begins) Speaking of nuts. Internet Dating. A world filled with sex and surprises. Two things you usually don't want to go together. And in the story that follows, one British man is about to find out is that it's always better to look before you click.
Thomas: Wooooooo. (WM looks at him) Sorry.
(The screen goes black as we hear a keyboard clicking as the opening credits roll. We cut to MikeJ at his computer writing up a description for his internet dating profile. He starts by typing "Hey, I am handsome, good looking, rich and..." but then changes "rich and" to "attractive." After the title screen, Mike scrolls through some entries that responded to his ad.)
Mike: Here we go. She looks nice. Let's take a look at her. OK, she likes cooking, going out for walks, uh, she likes films. Uh, OK, um, her favorite film is You've Got Mail. Not sure about that.
(We then hear Mike's voice in a voiceover as it cuts to him on his couch as if he were being interviewed)
Mike: Yeah, you know, you might expect somebody in my position to be swarming with girls. Um, I've got my own internet show. I get over 2,000 views a week, which I think is even more than The Nostalgia Critic, so that shows how popular I am, and, uh, I can't go to a convention without people recognizing me. The last one I went to, some people ran up to me and they were desperate for a photo with me. Um, they thought I was their big brother. I wasn't. (Cut back to Mike at his computer.) She looks nice. She's Spanish. Cool. I like Palla(?). (And back to the couch) I don't like to use my fame to take advantage of people. You know, it's not fair. You know, I've got legions of fans who will throw themselves at me. Literally once. That was messy, uh, but you know, I show respect to people. I show respect to my fans. Not like Welshy. He laps it up. He shagged a divorcee behind a chip truck in Swansea once after she recognized him.
(Cut to Mike at his computer again)
Mike: I found this pretty cool looking girl. Um, she's from Ireland, which is a bit of a bummer, but, um, she's seems switched on. She seems quite cool. We've talked a few times on Skype and she's agreed to, uh, video chat with me, so, uh, looking foward to that. You know, let's see if we like what we see, so...
(He receives a Skype call from a Jennifer George as the camera zooms in on the screen. Mike answers the call but sees that the room on the other end is empty)
Mike: All right. This is exciting. (He faces the screen to see that Jennifer is really Diamanda Hagan). Oh God.
Diamanda: Are you all right?
Mike: Yeah. You?
Diamanda: Yeah, I'm fine. It's good to see you.
Mike: Is it?
Diamanda: Yeah, it is. How you been?
Mike: Yeah nor bad. Um, I'm really sorry. My phone is ringing. Um, sorry, it's my ... dentist. Um, I'm gonna have to call you back. I'm really sorry. (Turns off his computer screen) Bye. (Chuckling) Did you see her? She was scary.
Diamanda: I can still hear you.
(Mike shows shock as it cuts back to him at the couch)
Mike: I think maybe women are just intimidated by me. You know, I'm-I'm a writer. I'm a director. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm a philanthropist. You know, women just don't know how to handle me.
Mike: I think I'm fighting a losing battle here. What do expect from a free dating website. It's like sifting through shit hoping you're gonna find a nugget. Oh, a gold nugget. Ooh, what do we have here? Here we go. "M." Brilliant. She likes films, cinema, DVD. Not too bright. And, holy shit! Look, it says she likes Channel Awesome. Can you believe that? She must be a fan of the site. Should I message her? Actually, what if she doesn't like my stuff? That will put her off. Maybe I should ask her out on a date, but not tell her who I am, um, and leave it a surprise. Ok, I'll do that.
Mike: I've had a few first dates. A lot more second dates, uh, which went well. Uh, very well if you know what I mean. Some confident. Um, they'll probably scream when they see me or faint, um, but I'm used to it.
(Cut to Mike in his car)
Mike: We've agreed to meet in a restaurant, which is, uh, midway between where we both live. She lives about 13 miles away, um, so it's only fair. I try to be a gentleman when I can. It just means when she agrees to go back to my place, it'll be a longer drive. If she wants to split the bill, that's fine. I don't like to deny a lady of her independence. Um, a strong woman's a turn-on. Um, even if she wants to pay the whole bill, I'll let her, um, just to show her that I don't mind.
(Cut to outside the restaurant)
Mike: This must be the place. Hope I'm not late. (Walks inside) She's over there. (Walks up to his date) Hello. (He is shocked to discover his date is none other than Film Brain himself, Mathew Buck) What's this?
Mathew: You tell me, what are you doing here?
Mike: You know what I'm doing here. M, is it?
Mathew: Well, yeah but...
Mike: But what?
Mathew: Oh, I don't know, Michelle?
Mike: Michelle, what?
Mathew: Your name on the dating website was "Mich" as in Michelle?
(Mike at his couch)
Mike: When I first set up my profile on the website, it kinda screwed up my user name. I wanted to avoid being Michael "MikeJ," you know, so people didn't approach me for my fame, and, uh, I wanted to put Michael, but, uh, I didn't realize it only had the first four letters of your real name, so, uh, it end up being "Mich." Slightly annoying, but it hasn't been a problem so far.
(Cut back to Mike and Mathew)
Mike: Well, what about you, M?
Mathew: M for Mathew.
Mike: What, you couldn't come up with something better than that?
Mathew: What, like Mich?
Mike: I've had enough of this. I'm off.
Mathew: You could at least eat something. I already ordered you a drink.
Mike: What is it?
(A waiter places two wine glasses on Mathew's table. Then it cuts to Mathew at the bar being interviewed)
Mathew: I honestly, genuinely had no idea I set up a date with Mike. I mean, why would I? His username was Mich. When we spoke, he described himself as beautiful and his favorite activities were gardening and cross-stitch so...
(Cut to them sitting at the table very awkwardly)
Mike: So, now what?
Mathew: Just relax and enjoy yourself.
Mike: Enjoy myself with you sat there all short?
Mathew: Oh, come on, at least be civil.
Mike: Fine. You sure you didn't know it was me?
Mathew: Positive. Why would I intentionally set up a date with you?
Mike: Well, I don't know. Maybe you've some sort of secret love for me.
Mathew: Oh please.
Mike: Well, come on. You've seen those drawings that people have done online. You probably saw those and thought "mmm."
Mathew: So I set up this date with you so that I could kiss you?
Mathew: And maybe I put something in your drink. (Mike eyes his drink) Maybe I'm just waiting for you to fall into unconsciousness so I can jump across the table and have my dirty way with you.
Mike: Uh, that sounds like something off of That Guy With The Glasses Secrets.
Mathew: Come on. It's a least Secret Treehouse material.
Mike: No. That would be you as a baby while I babysit you.
Mathew: You know, I actually heard a different version of that story where we....
Mike: All right. All right. All right.
Mathew: It's really not as bad as you might think. I mean, you suddenly stick your finger into an electrical socket and then "bzzzzzz." You're electrocuted. And then I suddenly take off my trousers and bone you until you wake up.
Mike: Can we not talk about slash fiction please?
Mathew: All right, fair enough. You brought it up.
Mike: And I'm dropping it. The only time I want to think about me touching you is when I'm smacking you in the face.
Mathew: Do you have to be so aggressive?
Mike: You've just got one of those faces.
Mathew: There you go again! What exactly have I done to you anyway?
Mike: Apparently, you've set us up on a blind date.
Mathew: Well, I'm sorry I didn't know you were apparently menstruating(?) a woman on internet dating sites. (Mike gets up to leave) Ok. Ok. I'm sorry.
Mike: Can you blame me for being suspicious?
Mathew: No, but put yourself in my shoes for a moment. If this is all just a complete coincidence, don't you think I'm wondering the same thing about you?
Mike: Why the hell would I set up a date with you?
Mathew: To mess with me, baby. I'm not the one who brought an entire documentary crew with me. Come on, sit down. We can at least be civil enough to have one meal. Then, we'll just pay the bill, leave the restaurant, go our separate ways, and never speak of this again. (Mike sits back down) Thank you.
Mike: I kinda want to blow out that candle.
Mathew: Why? Is it making you uncomfortable?
(Mike blows the candle out)
Waiter: Can I take your orders guys?
Mathew: Yes, I...
Mike: Five more minutes please.
(The waiter leaves)
Mathew: Are you purposely trying to be difficult?
Mike: I haven't decided what I want to order yet.
Mathew: Oh, yes, of course. We've spent far too much time bitching.
Mike: Well, what do you expect? I was expecting to get laid tonight. Shaven balls and everything.
Mathew: You ever heard the phrase TMI?
Mike: Actually, yes. That Matt's ... an Idiot.
Mathew: Technically, that would be T-M-A-I. (Mike groans) And you haven't even touched your drink yet.
Mike: Fine (He chugs down his wine) Oh, God. What was that?
Mathew: No idea.
(Mike rushed to the bathroom as Mathew adjusts his coat)
Mike: Is there a back exit to this place? Is it rude if I just walk out? (He walks back out, but find Mathew is gone) Oh, shit better pay for those drinks. (Mathew walks past him with more drinks) What are you doing?
Mathew: Getting you another drink.
Mike: You know this is restaurant. They can bring them over for you.
Mathew: Consider it a peace offering.
Mathew: So, are we gonna try and get along now or are we just going to keep arguing?
Mike: We can try.
Mathew: Hey, cheers?
(They clink their glasses and drink. Mike at one point adjusts Mathew's glass. Mathew then appears woozy and falls over his chair. Mike then grabs him and drags him to the front door)