And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Iron Man 2."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing and marching) Da, da, da da spoilers!
There's this guy called Tony Stark.
Also known as Iron Man!
And Tony Stark, it turns out, is a media whore.
I mean it, like, a complete whore.
He makes public appearances, dances around with hot women, and goes partying like every night!
Why don't more superheroes do that?
Wouldn't it be awesome if Batman went dancing all the time? (dances)
Nah, that'd be silly.
What kind of surreal '60s campy comedy would do something so strange?
But it turns out he's just a little bit out of control, so he puts his secretary in charge.
I put my secretary in charge once!
She was a horse.
And because of this, Tony Stark needs a new secretary.
So he hires Scarlett Johanssan.
Who you may remember from "North" and "Home Alone 3"!
And some other stuff.
But it turns out there's this Russian guy who wants revenge on Tony Stark!
(in Russian accent) "Your father ripped off my father, so I come to kill him!"
"Eh, my father's dead."
"Oh. Well, who are you?"
"You'll do. DIE!" (punches)
So, this Russian guy has these eletric-powered jump ropes.
And this business guy is like "I like your jump ropes. Come make a mechanical army for me!"
So, the Russian man is making this big bad mechanical army for him!
And what is Iron Man during all of this?
Getting totally schnockered in his suit of armor.
I got schnocked in a suit of armor once!
I can't ever go back to medieval times.
But Tony Stark clarifies to everybody "Contrary to popular belief, I know exactly what I'm doing. Now I'm going to get drunk and beat up my best friend!"
"Hi! I'm your best friend! (is punched) Ouch!"
So his best friend is like "You an a-hole! I'm stealing one of your suits!"
"You're an a-hole! You're stealing one of my suits!"
"Yeah, but I'm Don Cheadle!"
"Ooh, he's got me there." (is punched)
So, Iron Man gets so depressed that he does what any depressed person would do.
Sits on a big metal donut!
And I'm like "Iron Man is on a big metal donut. I'm high."
But then Samuel L. Jackson in an eyepatch appears!
"I am sooo friggin' high."
And he comes up to Tony Stark and is like "I am sick of these motherfuckin' Iron Mans on my motherfuckin' donut!"
(covers eye) Arr!
But it turns out Iron Man is dying because that piece of metal that's keeping him alive is also killing him.
So, he has to discover a new element that his father hid in the map of his theme park.
And it turns out that through a CG replica, pipes, and, uh, lasers, he creates a whole new element! ....Totally lost!
He creates a new element from-
Who cares? I'm high!
So, after that fun, pointless detour is over, the Russian appears!
So he teams up with his best friend and they're like "You're an a-hole."
"You're an a-hole."
"Let's fight the Russian."
(throws punches at the camera)
So, they defeat the Russian, but the Russian's like "I'm totally gonna go 'Predator' on your ass and set off a time bomb that'll give you 20 seconds to get to safety!"
"Why would you give me 20 seconds? Why don't you just blow yourself up now?"
"19, 18, 17, 16..."
"Oh crap! I'm going!"
So, Iron Man goes back to the secretary/CEO, and she's like "You're a cocktease."
"You're a cocktease."
"Let's make out."
(mimics making out)
Speaking of cocktease, Samuel L. Jackson comes in and says that Tony Stark is not gonna be part of the Avengers!
"You'd be much more motherfuckin' helpful as a consultant!"
"Bullshit, I'm Iron Man! I've got my own song!"
(singing) I am Iron Man! Like a superhero in a garbage can!
"Well, we'll see what motherfuckin' happens. The movie's not even made yet. But here's a preview of Thor!"
"Thor?! ...They're making a movie out of that?"
"With the little wings and the-"
"We'll see what happens!"
So, "Iron Man 2" was awesome!
It had action, adventure, cockteases and a-holes!
Oh! And a pirate Samuel L. Jackson!
I used to be a pirate Samuel L. Jackson once!
Wait.... No I didn't.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Ask yourself "What would Tony Stark do?" Get drunk and beat up his best friend- Goddarn it!