October 19, 2010
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. And seeing how we are still in the month of Nostalgiaween…
(A clip from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” where a chainsaw killer cuts off Linus and Lucy’s heads and the title “Nostalgia-Ween!” appears)
NC:…I figure we will play a little game, simply known as “The Stephen King Drinking Game!”
(A title card with the words “The Stephen King Drinking Game!” and Stephen King’s head appears over stock footage of an audience applauding; a montage of Stephen King and photos from movie adaptations of his literary works appear)
NC (voiceover): Good ol’ Stephen King. His prose are great, but his stories are crap. He has wonderful setups but disappointing payoffs. He creates some great characters, and fortunately, you get to see them over and over and over again!
NC: And one of the best ways to see his continuing patterns is the ass-numbingly long TV miniseries “It.”
(The title screen appears, and footage of “It” is played)
NC (voiceover): Based on the Stephen King book of the same name, “It” is another one of those films that loves to succumb to the melodramatic clichés that always seems to make it into every one of his stories. But what really surprised me is how many people say they are actually AFRAID of this movie, and that’s why I've invented this drinking game to calm your nerves.
NC: (holds up his whiskey bottle) There’s a lot of movie to watch, and a lot of booze to drink, so let’s take a look.
NC (voiceover): First of all, take a shot if your Stephen King story takes place in Maine.
(A caption of “Derry, Maine” is shown)
NC: Well, that didn’t take long. (takes a shot)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, our story takes place in Maine, where everyone has a checkered past, bullies make up most of the population, and cheesy lightning effects reign supreme. (A clip of the cheesey lightning effect is shown) In this particular town, we come across a girl who sees a rather unusual sight.
Pennywise the Dancing Clown: Hi.
NC (voiceover): Tim Curry! If that’s not scary enough, it looks like he's coming from the black mass of Ronald McDonald.
(camera closeup on the girl as if Pennywise is approaching her before fading to black)
NC (voiceover): So the kid gets murdered, as Mike—the only black man in Maine—notices that this is the sixth recent child killing. So he calls up his childhood friends to let them know what’s going on. He starts with Bill, who grew up into the back of a horse’s ass.
Mike: (voice on the other end of the phone)This is Mike Hanlon, Bill, from Derry.
NC (voiceover): This causes him to have a flashback, which I’m not gonna have you drink to every time it happens, because if you did, you’d be dead in the first 12 minutes.
Georgie (Bill’s little brother): Please, Bill? Tell me a story.
Young Bill: (resting in bed) Go…b-bug somebody else, you little cooty. I don’t feel so hot.
NC (voiceover): This is Bill as a young man, played by Jonathan Brandis.
(The Elephant in the Room appears next to NC)
NC: Piss off!
Elephant in the Room: Hmmm. (leaves offscreen)
NC (voiceover): He makes his brother Georgie a paper boat for him to sail outside. Thankfully, it’s the sunniest rainy day in history, so he can go outside and enjoy it. That is, until the missing member of the Insane Clown Posse comes to join him.
Pennywise: (talking in the rain gutter) There’s cotton candy and rides and all sorts of surprises down here. And balloons, too!
Georgie: Do they float?
Pennywise: (speaks erotically) Oh, yes. They float, Georgie. They float.
NC: (imitates Pennywise) I’m getting surprisingly aroused the more I talk about how much they float!
Pennywise: YOU’LL FLOAT, TOO! (grabs Georgie’s arm and pulls on it, to which Georgie screams in pain as we see Pennywise’s scary face)
NC (voiceover): So the kid gets eaten by a sloppy dissolve effect* as his sad brother goes into his room feeling responsible. And it’s fair to point out that this actually is a creepy scene.
- (Actually, Georgie’s arm gets ripped off, making him bleed to death, so he doesn’t get eaten. It’s even mentioned at one point in the miniseries)
(Georgie in the black-and-white photo winks to him; this scares Bill, as he tosses the book aside. The book starts flipping random pages on its own right to the page with Georgie’s photo on it. Blood starts to come out from behind the photo)
NC (voiceover): The book starts to have its time of the month when Bill calls for his folks to see it, but the parents surprisingly don’t seem to see the blood on the book.
Bill’s Father: What were you doing in Georgie’s room?
Young Bill: N-Nothing. Dad, listen!
Bill’s Father: I don’t want you ever coming in here again, son. Do you understand?
NC: (imitates Bill’s Father) How dare you try to mourn the loss of your one and only brother! (pretends to smack the camera in the face)
NC (voiceover): Cut back to the present day, as grown-up Bill decides it's time to go back to Maine.
Audra Denbrough (Bill’s wife): Leave? Have you lost your mind? We’re in the middle of making a movie!
Bill: They can replace me.
NC: Yeah, if I saw Tim Curry in a clown suit, I’d probably leave production, too.
NC (voiceover): Oh, by the way, just to avoid future disappointment, let’s take an early shot for a supernatural creature who's never given an explanation of exactly what it is or where exactly it came from.
NC: (takes a shot) Ooh, that’s good letdown.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to another childhood friend named Ben, played by John Ritter.
Ben: Would you believe I used to be fat?
Girlfriend: I bet you were real cute.
Ben: No, not just fat, but a regular butterball. “You bet your fern, I was.” We used to say that as kids. “You bet your fern.” But I was F-A-T.
Girlfriend: (starts talking in lust) Noo.
NC: (imitates the girlfriend by rubbing all over his chest) Ohh, fat kids are hot. Tell me about your boy tits!
(The phone rings, and Ben answers it)
Mike: (voice on the other end of the phone) Haystack, it’s me, Mike.
(Camera closeup to Ben as we transition quickly to a scene with Young Ben being threatened by a gang of bullies)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) OK, these flashback transitions are getting a little silly.
Wayne (audio from Wayne's World): (played as camera zooms up on Ben) Extreme Closeup! Whoa!
Mike: (voice on the phone) Listen, It’s…It’s come back.
NC (voiceover): Ritter says “No” to his ho on the go as he sits atop a tall building and ponders his past about being the new kid.
(Cut to a classroom in the past)
Miss Douglas: Welcome to Derry.
Young Ben: Thank you, Miss Douglas.
Young Henry Bowers: Oink. Oink. What a porker.
Miss Douglas: Henry Bowers. You will stay for one hour after school every day this week. Now, report to the principal’s office.
Young Henry: (stands up to leave and then points to Young Ben) You’re dead, fatboy.
NC (voiceover): (dubs for Miss Douglas in a snooty voice) Hmm, that I'm going to allow. Threatening his life is OK, but calling him a porker is simply going too far!
NC (voicoever): (normal voice) So Ben meets up with a girl named Beverly. They seem to hit it off pretty good, but the chorus from "Grease" has other ideas.
Young Henry: I wanna make sure you remember my name.
Young Ben: I’ll remember Henry. I’ll remember.
Young Henry: How am I gonna make sure, huh? (flips open a switchblade)
NC (voiceover): Oh! I almost forgot! Take a shot for the one-dimensional bullies that have no development or redeemable qualities whatsoever!
NC: Silly me. I thought I came across one that had some form of humanity. (takes a shot) Now…(gets his head straight from the effects of the alcohol)
NC (voiceover): So he loses the bullies as he comes across the kids from “Stand By Me”—I mean, his classroom, and of course, they become very good friends. But that doesn’t help smooth things over with his step-family.
Young Ben’s Cousin: Hey, Mom, listen to this! Benny’s in love!
Young Ben: Give this back! (punches his cousin in the back)
Young Ben’s Cousin: Oh, Mom! Mom!
Young Ben’s Aunt: Stop that! (attempts to separate the two boys) Benjamin Hanscom, stop that immediately, you young ruffian!
Young Ben’s Cousin: (to Ben) I hate you! You’re only here because Mom says it’s our Christian duty!
NC (voiceover): Hey, take a shot for a heavy-handed slap against conservative fundamentalists.
(“BUZZ!” Sound effect with a red “X” across the screen)
NC: What? That doesn’t count? Well, surely, there’s gotta be some overblown whine fest against Christianity. (“BUZZ!” sound effect with a red “X” across the screen again) Oh, alright. (pours his glass of whiskey into the bottle) I’ll have to read another one of your stories to see that religion is evil. (sets the bottle and glass aside)
NC (voiceover): So Ben comes across some sort of sewer entrance where the evil clown is waiting for him.
Young Ben’s Father: Come here, son. You’ll like it down there. You’ll never have to grow up!
Young Ben: Daddy?
King Roland (from “Spaceballs”): Yes, my dear. Would I lie?
Young Ben’s Father: They float! (voice changes to Pennywise)They all float.
(Pennywise points at Young Ben and starts laughing)
NC (voiceover): So the clown doesn’t really….hurt him or anything. He just sort of points at him and calls him fat. What a jerk. But we cut to yet another childhood friend who gets a call: Beverly, who’s hitting the sack with a co-worker in the ‘90s who's so successful, that his mullet is almost reaching his knees.
Beverly: (packing her bags) I gotta go to Maine. That was Mike Hanlon on the phone. You remember the call at work today? He’s an old dear friend. I have to--(gets slapped in the face by her co-worker, Tom Rogan)
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, I forgot. Everybody in a Stephen King story is a JACKASS except for the insecure poet and/or loser.
NC: I think that calls for another shot. (takes a shot and puts it aside) Why are you all spinning?
Tom Rogan: You get into bed.
Beverly: No! (starts throwing her makeup bottles at him)
Tom Rogan: Then maybe you can leave this house in two--
Tom Rogan: --days, instead of two weeks!
Beverly: Not ever, ever, ever again! (throws a canister that hits him in the forehead, with the “Bionic Woman” sound effect playing here)
Tom Rogan: Bev? You need me! BEEEEV!!!
NC: (laughs) Nice emoting there, guy.
Tom Rogan: BEEEEV!!!
NC: (mocks Tom by flapping his hands against his chest) BEEEEV!!!
NC (voiceover): Luckily, a cab comes to take her to her next flashback, where we see that Ben has left a poem for her.
Beverly’s Father: Whatcha got there?
Young Beverly: Nothing.
Beverly’s Father: Let me see that. (takes the poem and reads it) You've been foolin’ around with some boy? (tears the poem up) Sometimes, I worry a lot.
Young Beverly: Daddy, please. (he slaps her in the face)
NC (voiceover): Sheesh, no matter what scene this chick is in, she’s always getting a slap in the face!
(Young Bev runs away and he tries to chase her, but stops at the porch)
Beverly’s Father: You get right the hell back here, Bevvy! And before God, I’ll whip the skin off of you!
NC (voiceover): Oh, of course! Rednecks!
NC: Can’t forget about the rednecks! That calls for a shot. (takes a shot, then a sound effect of his brain chugging back to normal)
NC (voiceover): So she meets up with Ben and heads over to the-
NC (voiceover): -and heads over to rest of the geeks and outcasts who pretty much make up the only fucking decent people in this town.
Young Richie Tozier: It’s the river Nile! And four, count them, four Sphinxes. Richie Tozier is my name, and doing voices is my game.
NC (voiceover): Hey, look, Seth Green is playing a funny geek who spends most of his time doing voices.
NC: I’m…far too tipsy to make a joke out of that.
NC (voiceover): So the gang gets together and starts making a dam. Why? Because it’s fucking Maine, and by God, that’s as exciting as it gets! Hell, there’s even some famous jerkoff writers who write about it. That’s how exciting it is up there! So we see Bev and her father back at home and--(Beverly’s father sits in his armchair and watching TV while holding a mug of beer) ALCOHOLIC!
NC: They're always in Stephen King's stories, ALCOHOLIC! (takes another shot) So, she go--(pauses and then slams his head against his desk)
(From this point on, NC starts to sound like he’s slurring his speech)
NC (voiceover): So she goes to the bathroom sink where the clown’s snot bubble clogs up her drain and gets blood all over the place. Just like before, the grownups don’t see it.
Beverly’s Father: Get to bed.
NC: (chuckles and points to camera) Bloody boogers. (pauses, realizing what he’s doing) Sorry, I think the alcohols are going to my….(smiles) The camera’s purty.
NC (voiceover): Anyway, cut to the next childhood friend getting a call, which appears to be Andy Dick searching for his happy pills.
Eddie Kaspbrak’s Mother: Where are you going?
Eddie: I gotta go back to Derry!
Eddie’s Mother: Derry? Why would you want to go back to that dirty little town? There’s nothing for you there! There never was, Eddie!
NC (voiceover): Why is it these people have a talent for surrounding themselves with the craziest fucking nutballs? Is anyone in this world outside the main characters likeable?
NC: What kind of water are they drinking in Maine to make them such assholes?
NC (voiceover): Insert--here’s a big surprise--ANOTHER flashback! So we find out that Eddie was the kid with the inhaler as we see that his mother had a tight grip on him, even back then.
(The main kid characters (who will be referred to as the Losers) meet up at Eddie’s house to drop Eddie off, when his mother comes out)
Young Beverly: We'll see you tomorrow, Eddie.
Eddie’s Mother: Eddie has to rest tomorrow. (to Young Eddie as she takes him inside) I don’t want you to play with them anymore. No good will come of it.
Young Eddie: But, Ma, they’re my friends.
Eddie’s Mother: You don’t need any friends, Eddie, except for your own Ma.
NC: You think that’s bad? You should see his brother.
(Quick cut of the infamous Psycho shower scene)
NC (voiceover): Speaking of shower scenes, Eddie gets a doozy from the clown as he walks in the shower room and find out that the showers in the gym are stretching out, and….yeah, that’s about it. Kid can leave whenever he wants but doesn’t, so…it's just kinda stupid.
Pennywise: (under the drain) This is a little inconvenient, Eddie. Just hold on while I make a few... adjustments. (pulls the drain apart in a lame stop-motion effect)
NC: Oh, no! He’s being attacked by the California Raisins! Come on! That stop motion was horrible!
Pennywise: (pops out of the drain) Here I am, Wheezie! Oh, come back anytime. Bring your friends!
(Pennywise drops his head and then raises it again to display his scary eyes and sharp teeth, laughing; then a dissolve to Adult Eddie boarding a train)
NC (voiceover) Uh, then what happened? What, you’re gonna just stop THERE? Seriously? Come on! Fill us in! What, did he just stare at him awkwardly for the rest of the time?
(Pennywise showing his scary face again, this time with NC’s edits of Pennywise staring at Young Eddie awkwardly before lowering his head down the drain; Bugs Bunny pops up to make some kind of goofy face)
NC (voiceover): So we cut to the Seth Green kid all grown up when…
NC: Oh, hold on, let me guess. (clears throat) The phone rings, and another flashback happens!
Mike: (voice on the other end of the phone) Mike Hanlon, from Derry!
(A brief cut of the Batman circle with Pennywise’s head superimposed over Batman’s head)
NC (voiceover): We see Seth Green chased by the bullies again—big shock—and runs into the principal. So he’s ordered to go downstairs and come back up with a mop.
NC: (chuckles) “Come.”
NC (voiceover): But he’s afraid, because he’s suddenly attacked by Teen Wolf.
(“It”, disguised as Teen Wolf, grabs onto Richie and doesn’t let go)
Young Richie: Helllllp! God, HELLLLLP!
NC: Wait, wait, let me guess again. (clears throat)
NC (voiceover): He (It) turns into the killer clown, talks about his floating fetish, shows off his sharp teeth and then does nothing.
Pennywise: I’ll show you how to FLOOOAAAT down here.
NC (voiceover): Why doesn’t he just EAT these fucking kids? He’s eaten, like, half of the other kids in the neighborhood! Why doesn’t he just finish them off? I mean, what the hell is more important in his time?
NC: (imitates Pennywise) RARRR, I've got you now, little boy! (beeping sound, and he looks at his watch) Oh, my God, it’s almost 3! (leave screen camera left and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song plays)
NC (voiceover): Alright, so you heard everybody else’s backstory. Where the hell does this Mike guy who’s making all these calls fit in? Well…guess what? The answer will be revealed in…
NC: (opens an envelope as drumroll plays) ANOTHER FUCKING FLASHBACK!
NC (voiceover): It turns out Mike was the new kid on the block when, of course, he’s attacked by the bullies. Are these the only fucking bullies in the town? Come on, kids, give the skinheads across the street a chance! They chase him over a fence as, apparently, they’re immune to barb wire, as he comes across the usual gang of rejects.
(The Losers begin to throw rocks at the bullies)
NC (voiceover): So they throw rocks to defend themselves as they discover that bullies apparently aren’t immune to pain.
(The Losers gather around a photo album in the woods)
NC (voiceover): They talk about how they’ve all seen the killer clown and discover that he might’ve been around for as long as 200 years. This literally gets the picture going as Mike’s book comes to life just to make the kids piss their pants again.
(“It” appears as Pennywise and scares the seven kids while clinging onto a lamppost in the photo)
Pennywise: I’ll kill you all! Ha-ha! I’ll drive you crazy, and I’ll kill you all!
NC: Sticks and stones my break my bones, BUT FIRST, YA GOTTA THROW ‘EM!
Pennywise: I’m every nightmare you’ve ever had! I am your worst dream come true!
NC (voiceover): Uhh, why don’t they just close the book? Wouldn’t it be able to shut him up if they just slammed that thing shut?
(NC holds a book open with Pennywise’s voice coming from its pages)
Pennywise’s Voice: Ha-ha! I’ll drive you crazy, and I’ll kill you all! (NC slams the book shut and muffled screams of pain can be heard from within before he opens it again) I’m every nightmare you’ve ever ha—(NC slams the book shut again, muffled screams are heard and he opens it again) I am your—(Closes it, then opens it)—worst dream—(Closes it, then opens it)—come true! (Closes it, then hesitates before opening it one more time to hear singing coming from Doctor Frank-N-Furter from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”) I’m just a sweet transvestite…(NC closes it a final time and chucks the book to the side)
NC (voiceover): So they vow to destroy the clown as Mike, back in the present, plans to make one more call.
(Mike’s head turns to see a yellow balloon floating next to him, and it pops, scaring him; this follows with Pennywise cackling in the background)
NC: (waves his arms in fright)…BALLOOOOOON! (shrugs shoulders)
NC (voiceover): So Mike makes his last call to Stan, resulting in—oh, blow me if you don’t know.
Young Stan Uris: Courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.
NC (voiceover): They find out that Bev is really good with the slingshot, so she’s the perfect candidate to shoot SILVER into the monster. Freaking silver!
Young Richie: Mother’s earrings, baby. Solid silver.
Young Stan: But that’s just stuff in movies!
NC: Yeah! That’s just stuff in the movies! This is a killer clown that can turn himself into a werewolf! You know, real life!
NC (voiceover): So they go into the sewer where they think the clown is, as it turns out the bullies are there waiting.
Bully #1: Where are they goin’?
Bully #2: Down in the sewer, stupid.
Young Henry: Yeah. But guess what? (looks to the camera)They’re not comin’ back out.
NC (voiceover): (dubs for Henry) Did you get that, audience? Okay, in we go.
NC (voiceover): (normal, but still drunk voice) So they go into the sewer and try to fight the monster. This is really suspenseful, because I have no idea which character is gonna make it out alive except for all of them.
(Stan’s mouth gets covered and is quietly taken aside by Henry without the other Losers knowing; cut to Henry slicing off the shirt buttons on Stan with his switchblade one by one while one bully grabs hold of him)
Henry: (to Stan) Now…before you die…I want you to think about every rock you threw.
NC (voiceover): D’op! D’op! The one-dimensional villain sees murder as the only option!
NC: That’s in every Stephen King story! I'd say that calls for another shot! (takes another shot, then bangs his head on the desk a few times before resting his head on one hand) Hello, friends, I’m your Vitameatavegamin…boy. Are you tired, rundown, listless…Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular? (falls over)
NC (voiceover): O-kay. So this bright flashing light that's supposed to be the clown, I guess, comes in and kills two of the bully boys. Well, wait, you forgot to scare them for two months and brag about how things float! Oh, well. One kid gets sucked through a pipe like Super Mario Brothers, and the other kid (Henry) just turns into Billy Idol. (Henry’s hair has turned white) Why doesn’t he just kill that kid? Because he is a very stupid clown. Meanwhile, the kids hold hands, because that apparently weakens the monster’s power, it’s like a Care Bears special, I guess, when Tim Curry pops up and FINALLY tries to kill one of these brats!
Young Eddie: This is battery acid, you slime! (sprays his inhaler into Pennywise’s face before Beverly shoots a silver earring into the clown’s skull, which causes a flashing white light to appear out of it; Pennywise does an acrobatic flip before landing in a manhole, all done as a stop-motion effect)
NC (voiceover): Yeah, yeah. This is what you were afraid of the whole time, guys: an acrobatic stop motion clown with a flashlight comin’ out of his head.
NC: I’m drunk, and even I’m not afraid of that.
NC (voiceover): So they think they killed It and make a promise that if he’s not dead, they’ll come back to finish the job. Well, it’s years later, the clown is back, and we find Stan is just a filthy cheater.
(Adult Stan sits dead in the bathtub with his wrists slit from using a razor; his wife is in shock and drops both a glass cup and a can of beer with the label “Beer” on it)
NC (voiceover): Oh, no, she dropped her can of “Beer” beer. Isn’t that the drink the movie “Steel” made famous? (a brief cut of the “Beer” sign from the movie “Steel” is shown)
(Stan's wife reacts in agony before the camera pans up to see the word “IT” scrawled on the bathtub tile wall with Stan’s own blood)
NC (voiceover): Oh, gee, that was nice of him. To leave the world’s briefest suicide note! Did he really feel this would explain everything?
NC: (mocks Stan by first “slitting” his wrist) Oh, wait, before I go, I should probably explain the situation. (pretends to write on a wall with his right wrist) “It”…and they can figure out the rest from there. (collapses head on the desk)
(Stan’s wife makes a mournful scream before the film fades to black)
NC (voiceover): So Mike and Bill reunite as Bill sees just how much has changed and how much has not changed.
(Mike stands on the porch of his house)
Mike: Hey, I’m a bachelor, Bill. It’s all I need.
NC: Apparently, running around talking about killer clowns scares the ladies off. (scoffs)
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Richie—the Seth Green kid—gets a different kind of welcome.
Pennywise: (speaking on the second floor of the library above Richie) Come on up, Richie. Try a bunch! (cackles as balloons fall from the ceiling, yet nobody notices this)
NC (voiceover): Ah, it’s those wonderful balloons, where even though no one can see or feel them, it still makes people somehow flinch.
Pennywise: (sits on the railing) Excuse me, sir. Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do? Well, you better let the poor guy out! (lightly knocks on his crotch with his fist) Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha!
NC: (laughs) Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m drunk or something, but, uhh…Tim Curry is a riot.
NC (voiceover): Were people really scared by this guy? He’s hilarious! I don’t even think his scene is supposed to be this long. I think he just decided to stay on set and annoy everybody.
Richie: (to a librarian as Pennywise goofs around by playing with his noisemaker)…that I had to go, that I had to get cleaned up…
NC (voiceover): (as the “Director”) Uh, Tim? You’re done for the day. Can you please piss off?
Richie: Tell him [Mike] I’ll see him tonight!
(Pennywise continues knocking on his crotch with his fist and going “Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha!” over and over)
NC (voiceover): (“Director”) We have a movie to film here, Tim, and you’re really not helping. (pause) Please leave? (pause) Ok, we’ll just shoot around you. Don’t worry, people. He’ll get punished. He’s gonna be in “Charlie’s Angels” soon enough.
NC (voiceover): (normal) Both Eddie and Bev have similar incidents where the clown pops up and scares them, but again, why doesn’t he just kill them?
(Pennywise appears on the porch of a building near Beverly as a lone yellow balloon sits at Bev’s feet and starts to float away down the street as Pennywise cackles)
NC (voiceover): Boy, they’re really banking on balloons being scary, aren’t they? Do they really think that’s gonna threaten people?
NC: If that’s the case, maybe this movie was a stalker film. (A poster of “The Red Balloon” is shown)
NC (voiceover): OK, so they meet up at a Chinese restaurant for a nice, big reunion. While the camera circles around the table enough times to make you puke—though, to be fair, maybe that’s from this obnoxious drinking game—we see the only surviving bully (Henry) is now in a mental institution, where he’s transformed into Matlock.
(Pennywise’s face appears on the full moon above Henry)
Pennywise: Up here! You helped me once, remember?
(NC looks right and upward towards the sky)
NC: Oh, hey, it’s a beautiful Tim Curry out tonight. (screams at the sight of the moon that’s offscreen)
Pennywise: Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all! Kill them all! KILL THEM ALL!!!!
Boogeyman’s Shadow (from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”, supperimposed over Pennywise's face): (sings) I am the shadow on the moon at night, filling your dreams to the brim with fright.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, we see that the fortune cookies have been replaced with Marilyn Manson’s wind-up toys, which, of course, scares the living shit out of them. This leads them back to the library where they try to figure out what the heck’s keeping Stan so long.
Richie: You tell that loser that if he hasn’t left already, he’s a dead man. We all managed to show up. (tries to act like a standup comedian, to the delight of the others) I have never felt much love in one room in my entire life. It’s great to be back in Derry! Breathing in that old Derry air!
NC: But he continues to be incredibly inappropriate as we build up to the obvious dramatic payoff in three, two, one. (countdowns with three fingers)
Mike: Stan is dead.
NC: (clutches his head) Oh no, we were assholes!
NC (voiceover): Well, let's mourn his loss with another flashback.
Bill: (narrating the flashback) He said he didn’t mean to go into the house. This voice kept…whispering to him.
(The entry door slams behind Young Stan as “It” appears as a mummy and slowly descends the spiral staircase toward Stan while he tries to open the door)
NC: OK, I must really be gone, because that looks like a mummy.
NC (voiceover): Seriously? We’re using mummies now? This isn’t a Stephen King movie. It’s an Abbott and Costello knockoff!
(A photoshopped poster of an Abbott and Costello movie titled “Abbott and Costello Meet It” is shown with Pennywise’s head placed over a monster)
Bill: (narrating) He was trapped. The only thing he could think of to do was hold his bird book out in front of him like a shield and say, as loud as he could, the names of all the birds he could remember.
NC: (holds head with a look of confusion and says quietly) Whhaaattttt?
Bill: (narrating) Hold his bird book out in front of him like a shield and say as loud as he could the names of all the birds he could remember.
NC: (still looks confused) Whhhhyyyyyy?
Young Stan: …speckled grouse, Baltimore oriole, gray egret, hammerhead, woodpecker and brown thrush! (the door opens, and he escapes)
NC (voiceover): Oh, wha-- and it worked?! What the hell? What sense does that make? What, are mummies just allergic to the sounds of birds names?
Imhotep (from “The Mummy” 1999 remake): (says something Egyptian)
NC: (holds up a book) European swallow!
(Imhotep screams and spins around into a cloud of dust before exiting out the building)
Eddie: I hadn’t thought of it until just now, I swear. He said, “I looked into It’s deadlights, and I wanted to be there."
Bill: Deadlights. (camera closeup on Bill’s face with some scary sound effect)
NC (voiceover): OK, what is up with these stupid sound effects whenever there's a flashback? I mean, will any sound effects do?
NC #1: I looked into It’s deadlight. (“Boing!” sound effect with a look of confusion)
NC #2: You looked into It’s deadlights? (“Ta-da!” sound effect with a look of shock)
NC #1: I looked into It’s deadlight. (Rooster crow sound effect with a goofy face)
Mike: (goes to his mini-fridge) I’m sure I’ve got something here. Anybody else? (opens the fridge to reveal many more balloons spewing out of it)
NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, MORE BALLOONS! More balloons! Hide your family! Get down! Balloons! Ahhh! Seriously, will you knock it off?! There’s balloons everywhere in this picture! They’re not frightening!
NC: I mean, come on! When is a balloon ever gonna look intimidating? I-- (he looks to a corner of a hallway confused; a scary balloon with bloodshot eyes appears around the corner, he makes a silent gasp, the balloon disappears from sight, and he kisses his crucifix necklace)
NC (voiceover): So the scary as fuck balloons come out as they see Stan’s head is inside. This would be somewhat scary until…
Stan’s head: Sorry, I’m late. Well, let’s see who’s here! (NC finds this scene bizarre and takes his whiskey bottle to drop it aside) Richie, you still here? We never expected you to stick around. Nice nose job, no one could ever suspect. Haystack! Puttin’ on a little weight, huh? Wheezie! How’s your sex life? What’s your sex life?
NC: (laughs) This is turning into a standup routine at Jeffrey Dahmer’s house!
Stan's head: (speaking in Pennywise’s voice) We all float down here, and you will, too. They all FLOAT!
NC (voiceover): So I guess they don’t find the talking head that funny and they get the hell out of there. Meanwhile, we see the bully escape from the hospital by…
(Pennywise appears from behind Henry, waves to the orderly (who drops his coins in shock) and then attacks him with the appearance of a dog’s head instead of a clown face, which makes the orderly scream; all this happens in slow motion)
NC: (points and laughs hysterically at the scene) It's the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life! (looks off-camera as if someone is speaking to him) Huh? It’s supposed to be scary? (looks at the camera) No, it’s not, it’s supposed to be funny! The dog dressed up as a clown in slow motion! (looks offscreen) Huh? That was really supposed to be scary? (pauses to look at the camera, then looks off-camera) Well, it’s nooot! It’s not!
NC (voiceover): So after that (laughs at the dog clown scene again) OK, OK. (cut to the Losers at a hotel) They figure out the clown attacks, or “feeds,” if you will, on people every 30 years. Oh, and apparently, the whole entire town is in on it, too. How do they know that? Get this: Because when Bev was a girl getting beat up once, an old man went back inside. Yyyeah. Because that one dickcheese didn’t help her, that apparently means the whole town is crazy.
Bev: I couldn’t believe it! He…he just turned around and went inside! That was when it really hit me: There was something terribly wrong in Derry—with Derry.
NC: (brief pause) Isn’t it obvious?!
NC (voiceover): Well, anyway, Matlock (Henry) attacks Mike, but they manage to fight him off and kill him. They bring Mike to a hospital as Bev starts to analyze the situation.
Bev: (standing outside the hospital talking to Ben) Why is it doing this? Why does it hate? Why is it so mean?
NC: You would think that a psychotic killing clown would be a little nicer!
Bev: (hugs Ben) How could I be so blind?
Ben: If you see it now, you’re not blind anymore, Bev.
(Bev kisses him)
NC (voiceover): Boy, this chick really gets around, doesn’t she? I mean, I think she’s literally felt up every single person in this group. I can see why they hung out with her. She’s easier to get into than an art college!
Mike: (resting in a hospital bed) Be careful. We can’t trust anyone.
Bill: If anybody asks, you know, party got out of hand, dancing on the table, you took a fall.
Mike: Anyone who’s seen me dance will buy that.
NC (voiceover): Well, that’s great, and how are you gonna explain the dead escaped mental patient?! (brief cut of the Losers covering up Henry’s body with a blanket) You’re not seriously suggesting you walk out of here and leave him lying there?
Ben: You’re not seriously suggesting we walk out of here and leave it lying there?
Bill: Yeah, that’s what I’m suggesting.
NC: (facepalms) Why don’t you call the police?!
Bill: This whole town is in it someway, all of them.
Bev: (recalls her memory of the old man in the past) Bill’s right.
NC (voiceover): Really? We’re still on this?! Because one old fart went in and jerked off, that means the entire town is crazy?!
NC: Here’s an idea. You’re all seeing killer clowns. Maybe YOU’RE crazy! Did that ever occur to you, you crazy sacks of crazy crazy??
NC (voiceover): So they all decide to go back into the sewer and kill this thing once and for all. So, what kind of weapons are they bringing, you think?
Richie: I don’t suppose anybody thought to bring anything really useful, like a machine gun.
Bev: I brought this. It’s the only thing I saved from those days. (whips out a slingshot)
NC: Oh. That’s great. They’re bringing a slingshot. They can either bring a machine gun or slingshot. “Rambo” or “Dennis the Menace”? (weighs out the options with both hands) You’re going down, Mr. Wilson! (pretends to fire with a “slingshot”) Pew, pew, pew!
Richie: Oh, come on, guys. What the hell are you gonna do now? Sing “Kum Ba Yah”? Wake up! Take a breath! You smell that? That’s death.
NC: You hear the wind? That’s death. You feel the ground? That’s death. You feel the itching at the back of your head? That’s…probably a mosquito. (Beat) The mosquito of death!
NC (voiceover): So they make their way down to the retired Star Trek set where Bill’s wife happens to be trapped in the cave. Yeah, apparently, she was heading to Maine to bring her husband back, and the clown got her, which is POINTLESS, seeing how he can take on any form, but I digress. As they get to the heart of the sewer, they finally see the monster for what he really is.
("It" is revealed to be giant, crude-looking six-legged spider, all done as a lame stop motion effect)
NC (voiceover): What? WWWHAT?
NC: (sputters incoherently before throwing a glass of water onto his face) WHAT?!
NC (voiceover): WE WAITED THREE FUCKING HOURS FOR THAT?! You can’t be serious! You CAN’T be serious! If I heard that a movie called “It” was just building up to a big, silly monster, I’d think this would have been a better payoff! (a photo of Cousin Itt from “The Addams Family” is shown) I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY?!
NC: My God! So you’re telling me this whole fucking time we were building up to…(Closes his eyes in disbelief as Spider Smith from “Lost in Space” appears to his left in a portal)
Spider Smith: Spiders! A giant legion of spiders!
NC: Goddammit, Dr. Smith! This is really what you and Stephen King find frightening?
Spider Smith: Yes! My dream is finally realized! I—(Stops, sniffing the air) What smells like urinated whiskey?
NC: Oh, it’s me. I’ve been playing the Stephen King Drinking Game.
Spider Smith: Oh good God, man! That’s been known to kill people!
NC: (Now lapsing into a drunken stupor while pulling out his gun) Hey, you know what else has been known to kill people? I’ll tell you…this! (Fires several shots that all miss Smith, who simply stands there) That’s right, hold still, hold still, I’m gonna shoot all five o’ ya…Y-You’re goin’ down, spider man! Not the superhero, the the…the you! Woo!
Spider Smith: I’ll just shoo myself out. (Sneaks away out of sight)
NC: Ahhah…yeah, you better run!
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, they’re fighting a giant spider, an unbelievably fake-looking one, too. They all start to get sucked into It’s deadlights until Eddie has an idea.
Eddie: This is battery acid. Now you disappear! (sprays the inhaler’s battery acid at the spider, which grabs hold of Eddie and clutches his chest tight)
NC (voiceover): Well, that was a stupid idea, guy! Maybe that machine gun theory would have worked after all. (Eddie screams in pain) So Eddie gets killed, but luckily, Bev shoots It in the glowing ball sack that seems to kill It. Oh, wait, no, sorry. They tip It over like a cow first and then they rip his heart out. Truly, this was a battle of wits! So they all go back home to their normal selves except for Bill’s wife, who seems to be in a zombie-like state because of the giant spider. But, somehow, riding downhill on a bike seems to make her better!
(Bill and Audra embrace while standing in the middle of a four-way city intersection)
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, the character that had, like, two scenes, a few lines of dialogue and barely any presence? She’s gonna be OK. Yeah, I know you’re all on the edge of your seats about that, but, yeah, she’s gonna be OK now.
NC: So, of course, all that buildup leads to an unbelievable letdown, which is the ultimate staple of Stephen King, which means that gives us our very last shot. (pours a glass, but finds the bottle empty and sets both the glass and the bottle down hard on his desk) This movie SUCKS!
(Clips from the miniseries play out as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, the stuff with the kids is tolerable because the kids themselves are actually pretty good actors, and, of course, Tim Curry is a lot of fun, but half of the adults are just terrible! The plot makes no sense, it’s melodramatic as hell, and it all suffers from the Stephen King stereotypes we’ve seen a bajillion times before. And, plus, what’s with all the balloons?! They’re not scary! Why do they keep thinking they’re scary? What, were they high?
NC: I mean, seriously, who in the right mind would ever think a balloon is sca-? (the scary balloon face appears again from around the corner, which begins to frighten NC)
(Cut to outside the bathroom door)
The Other Guy: (knocks on the door) Hey, Critic. I got a new script here. Tell me what you think.
(The Other Guy goes in, hesitantly opens the shower door to find NC dead with “Balloons” scrawled in blood on the wall; cut to various shots of The Other Guy’s face quivering in shock and fear at the sight of NC, and finally screams in agony with Stan’s wife’s scream dubbed over)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Bev: Why is it so mean?