(We do the usual opening, then cut to Nash in his room)
Nash: Hey kids. I'm Nash, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Well, like so many much, much more talented people before me, our little video bag of horrors has been picked up by That Guy With The Glasses. If this is your first time viewing, allow me to say both welcome, and I'm so very, very sorry. You know, getting involved with something like this means I'm not completely in charge anymore. But, truth be told, everyone answers to someone, be it in ways large or small. Now, most of the time, this keeps the world running smoothly, but sometimes you get saddled with that one guy whose idea of leadership is invading Poland, or drilling in the Gulf of Mexico without checking the failsafes...or giving Smallville ten goddamn seasons. So, with that in mind, this week we're looking at authority, and how the wrong person in charge can turn a magnetic lite brite into a terrorist threat. Not...not that the folks at Channel Awesome are like that. It's not like I'm insinuating they made bad decisions, after all, they picked up this show, right? Okay, bad example. Let's, um, let's-let's get to the cartoon before I get myself fired on my first video.
(We come to our cartoon, "A Brief History Of Authority")
Nash (vo): (Three stick men are standing around, two hitting each other with clubs) In our early days, humanity pretty much did whatever the hell they felt like. While this era is virtually porn for anthropologists, not a whole lot was actually getting accomplished. (as he said that, another stick man comes in going "weeeee" while streaking, CENSORED covering his crotch. Stick Boy now gets a lightbulb over his head) But, eventually, someone came up with the grand idea to organize everyone together for a singular purpose. (Stick Boy is pointing to a drawing of a house to a crowd, who then cheer. The house looks more like boards propped together, leaving Stick Boy confused) Although the results probably left a great deal to be desired, it still marked the birth of management. (and somehow, the house explodes, making Stick Boy facepalm) In the time since, the ability to command large groups has given rise to the greatest accomplishments of our species. On the other hand, abuse of authority has also caused some of the greatest atrocities and catastrophes in history to occur, and therein lies the problem. (Stick Boy's in an office listening to someone on the phone, a speech bubble popping up on the phone showing the moon with an American flag) See, when you gather folks together for a common goal, it's vitally important that it's the right people leading the way. (Stick Boy's talking to Crazy Stick Boy, first having a speech bubble with the American flag on the moon) While a visionary will lead us to amazing accomplishments, some yutz who was put in charge only because he's someone's brother in-law will lead to an event that'll make Jackass 3D look like Schindler's List. (CSB's sitting on a rocket with a helmet on. Stick Boy's in the office when CSB's flying outside into the moon, blowing it up)
Nash: So, now that we've got some idea how we get from hot air ballons to Hindenbergs, let's get to our first story, where the British Canadian Automobile Association has an original idea for a new speed bump: small children!
(The report is titled "Speed Bumps of the Future: Creepy Optical Illusional Children")
Nash (vo): The BCAA has devised a new type of speed bump based on an optical illusion. And what might that illusion be? Why, the form of a little girl popping up out of the asphalt in the middle of the fucking road.
Nash: Oh yeah, having a phantom child just spring up in front of you while you're rolling down the street, what could possibly go wrong? Well, let's do the math. This, (a clip of traffic) plus this, (a clip of the optical illusion in effect) equals fucking this! (a clip of a police car going off the ramp and crashing into a semi) If something popped up out of the ground at me while I was driving, I'd swerve. You'd swerve. We'd all goddamn swerve! And what's the BCAA's response to this valid criticism? Well, let me quote here. "If a driver can't respond to this properly, that person shouldn't be driving." Yeah, no! See, if you go too fast over a speed bump, you usually only end up damaging your own property, namely the suspension of your car. If on the other hand a little fucking ghost girl causes you to careen off the road into your local Denny's, that's a bigger deal. You can't just say, "well that person shouldn't have been driving" when your idiotic idea results in senior citizens having to pick shards of a coffee pot out of their asses for the rest of their goddamn lives! In short, think! Next up, well, there's authority, and then, there's authority. From Nigeria, a man drove his car into a parked plane. But it's okay, Jesus told him to.
(The report is titled "Man rams car into parked plane.")
Nash (vo): No, really, the man drove onto an airport runway and smashed his car into the plane, then told everyone in earshot that "All Nigerians were sinners who must repent or perish." Oh, wait, this one, uh, this might be my fault.
(We cut to a clip of a movie (anyone wanna ID what this is?)
Nash (vo): Hey, Kent, what's up? It's Jesus.
(We cut to Nash speaking in a mic)
Nash: Listen, I just got an email...
(Back to the movie)
Nash (vo): ...from this Nigerian prince, and...
(Back to the room)
Nash: ...well, long story short, I'm out ten grand. So...
(And back to the movie)
Nash (vo): What I'm gonna need you to do is head on over there, and, uh, I dunno...
(Back to the room)
Nash: ...drive your car into a plane, or, condemn the sinners. Do something, you know? Oh and Kent?
(Back to the movie)
Nash (vo): This movie's all you'll be remembered for, and your career's gonna fall in the toilet immediately afterward.
Kent: It is God.
(Back to the room)
Nash: Uh, buddy? What the fuck is wrong with you!? Jesus does not need you to drive into a plane! Why would he? He's Jesus! Of all the things I associate with Jesus, ramming a Volvo into a DC-9 ain't one of them! And if this is your idea of serving the will of the Lord, well, let's consult the scriptures on it, hm? (He takes out a bible and flips to a page) Let's see, here we go. Uh, 1 Corinthians, Verse 7. "And yea, did the Lord say unto thee..." (puts the bible down) You're not fucking helping! (then puts the bible away) Moving right along, let's play a little game. What do you think of when I say the words "deadly weapon?" If you answered foam rubber, you're either brain damaged, or the police in our next story.
(The report is "'Nerd' shocked his toys in G20 weapons cache")
Nash (vo): During the recent G20 conference, Toronto police accosted boffer LARPer Brian Barrett at gunpoint, and seized his harmless foam padded replica weapons, then went on to display them at a press conference as lethal implements they had seized from protesters. Because when you're going to embarrass your department on national TV, it's Nerf or nothing.
Nash: Alright, either the Toronto police department can't tell the difference between an actual weapon, and something geeks smack each other with while pretending to be orcs...or they trumped up a bunch of bullshit for publicity in the wake of the G20. Either way, fuck you! You're giving law enforcement a bad name! People trust you to protect and serve, not make a bunch of shit up so you can justify the budget on your riot gear. I mean, by this logic, anything from Toys "R" Us is to be feared. I mean look, (he takes out a sword) look at this. (and unsheathes it) Oooh, a dangerous blade! Oh no, scary, awful! (and then he sheathes it and puts it away) Or, um, look, this. (he takes out a bag of legos) I could craft an engine of destrucion (taking out what looks like a lego train) from these, ooh, scary, scary. Or, uh, oh this, look. (and he takes out a cat doll) Everyone knows how insane pussy can make a man! Ooh, no! Or, uh, oh, hm. (he takes out a laser gun) You could take this and you could-- (he ends up shooting an actual laser, making a car alarm go off. he puts the laser gun away, takes his keys out and turns his own car alarm off. oops!) Yeah. Um, moving on.
(The report is titled "Toy Pony Sparks Bomb Scare In Orlando")
Nash (vo): Oh look, a Florida story. My surprise, it cannot be contained. From Orlando, police were called out to investigate a suspicious item in a cul-de-sac. Which turned out to be a toy pony. So doing the most rational thing, they sent in a bomb team and blew it the hell up. Wait, that's not rational, that's that other thing. What was it? Oh yeah, fucking stupid!
Nash: Now, before we dig in to this story, there's something I have to do first. Uh, those of you with small children, bring 'em into the room. Go on, bring 'em in here. You got 'em? Okay, good. Hi there! You know that pony you asked your mommy and daddy for? The one you just begged and begged and begged to get for you? Well guess what? They got it for ya! Yup, no foolin'! Here, lemme show ya!
(A toy pony is shown)
Nash (vo): Look, see? There's your pony! Isn't he the best pony in the world? Isn't he just--(BOOM! the pony blows up) Oh! Oh no, your pony got blowed up!
Nash: I guess God just didn't want you to have a pony. Oh well. Might as well go to your room and pray for mercy from the anger of the Almighty. Bye! I love my job sometimes. Back to the story, what the fuck is wrong with you!? It's a toy pony in a residential neighborhood! But, instead of considering it might belong to some kid who carelessly abandoned it, you blow it the fuck up? I'll just go and assume you left your bomb sniffers and detection equipment in your other van. Otherwise, it would mean your standard operating procedure in this situation would be to set off an explosion in suburbia, then ask questions later, but, heh, that would be crazy talk! Heheh, ahhh. Nitwits! Well, I know it seems like I'm beating up on the cops, and I don't mean to be. Most police are diligent in their work, do extensive research, and make careful, thoughtful assessments as guardians of the public before acting.
(We cut to a news report)
Reporter: The San Luis Obispo County Sheriff's Department says what began as a cartoon on the internet is much more than meets the eye. It's known as Pedobear, and while it looks innocent enough, law enforcement believes pedophiles have adopted it as a mascot.
(Nash is so infuriated at the stupidity before him that he lets out a scream that blows his head off his shoulders into the sky, still screaming)
(The report is titled "Sheriff's department warns of Pedobear image")
Nash (vo): What? What!? Jesus jumped up in Christ! Apparently, cops from San Luis Obispo just discovered the fucking internet, because they sent out warnings to parents that Pedobear was, in fact, a pedophile mascot. No, I'm serious. (a Pedobear warning flyer is shown) They printed flyers with the goddamn department letterhead!
Nash: Where...do I...begin? First off, pedophiles don't have mascots. They don't! Do you honestly think that all the pedophiles in the world got together and said, "Hey, you know what would fix our image problems? A mascot." They don't advertise! They don't merchandise! They're criminals! That'd be like saying Jabba the Hutt was a mascot for the Mafia! It doesn't work that way! Next, guys, there's something called "the Google." Now what you do is you type words into the magic picture box, and will answer all your questions. For example, when you type in the word "Pedobear," it explains to you that it's a stupid fucking joke meme that's not actually used by pedophiles! If you'd taken the ten goddamn seconds to look that up, you might not have unjustly painted folks at Comic-Con as baby rapers, and maybe you could've used the time to, pfft, I dunno, catch actual pedophiles!? This...this right here. This is a perfect demonstration of what happens when someone with too little brains is given too much authority. This is why you need to que--(static interrupts the feed) people in charge--(another burst of static) Oh for the love of crap! Everytime I sit down to do a video, some jackass decides to fuck with my recording! Okay, so who is it this time? What dumb, ignorant, dickless, son-of-a-bitch--
(Turns out that person was Bargo! Nash is quite stunned)
Nash: Um, hello...Bargo, from That Guy With The Glasses, and, um, my new executive producer, and, um, did I mention handsome and such, such a good actor? A--
Bargo: Let's dispense with the pleasantries, Nash! I need to talk to you about your show.
Nash: Um, okay...? What's up?
Bargo: Look, when we picked you up for this gig, it was with the understanding that there was actual comedy going on here. So I went through your videos thinking there was going to be wacky fun and hijinks, and the like. But instead, what I find...(he then reaches for his notes, trying to get them in order) Battles with alien pants!
Nash: ...They started it.
Bargo: A restraining order from Emperor Palpatine?
Nash: W-we're just on a break.
Bargo: Not to mention death threats from the entire state of Florida, and a hospital bill from emergency rectal bananaotomy! Whatever the hell that means! Why the holy blue fuck is there a stick figure on payroll?
Nash: Union contract?
Bargo: Alright, Nash, this is ridiculous! This is what you have planned? This collection of bizarre, nonsensical stream of conciousness, dumbfuckery? You are destroying That Guy With The Glasses with garbage! Alright, Mr. What-The-Fuck, I want you to tell me now! No, better yet, stand up and tell the audience, what do you want to do on this site?
(Nash stands up and then...)
Nash: I wanna rock! (Rock!)
(Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" plays throughout the rest of the time, Nash mouthing the words)
(We're joined by Phelous dancing in his room)
I wanna rock! (Rock!)
(Obscurus Lupa's now headbanging, throwing the horns out)
I want to rock! (Rock!)
(Todd in the Shadows now jumps onto his couch with a Guitar Hero controller)
I wanna rock! (Rock!)
(Back to Phelous)
(We transition to Nash in front of a swirling blue background playing guitar and singing into a mic)
Turn it down you say
Well all I got to say to you is time and time again I say no! (No!) (Space Guy pops on this time) No no no no no!
Tell me not to play
Well all I got to say to you when you tell me not to play I say no! (No!) (Trousers Cosmic shows up in space) No no no no no!
So if you ask me if you like the way I play it
There's only one thing I can say to you
I wanna rock! (Rock!)
I wanna rock! (Rock!)
I want to rock! (Rock!) (Stick Boy's now playing bass in an orange background)
I wanna rock!
Nash: That's all for this week, kids! This is Nash saying if I have to hurt, so does everyone else!
(The credits begin to run)
Final quip: No, you can't have a pony.
(Todd's on the couch, song all over)
Todd: Okay, that's enough of that, Nash. You owe me.