This guide is not complete. Please finish.
Linkara: Hello and welcome to Atop the fourth wall where bad comics burn. With the infinte possibilities presented by superheros, people often wonder about stories that, well just can't work because of continuity.
Linkara: (voice over) For example, one might wonder, what would happen if Batman had been chosen to be Green Lantern instead of Jorden, or how about if Batman was a vampire, or if Batman was actually Superman. Yeah there are a lot of these with Batman, the point is DC occasionally produces a book with the elseworlds imprint. Elseworlds are what happens when you take well known superheros and put them in new and different situations. Sometimes, they can be interesting, never before thought ideas that actually stand out, like "Superman Red Sun." Or they can be incredibly horrible and non-sensical like "Superman at earths end."
Linkara: Which is why today we're digging into "JLA Act of God." An else worlds tale where superheros' lose their powers. Interesting premise, Incredibly awful execution!
(theme song, followed by cover art and song:)
Linkara: (voiceover) The cover's pretty good, with superheros having fallen thanks to the mysterious light in the center, it instantly draws you in and wants you to know whats going on, plus shows a nice variety of heros. We open to the giant looming figures of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Green Lantern, and the Flash overlooking the earth with a gorgeous ray of sunshine coming across the planet.
(cut to the ending of Star trek II: the wrath of Khan, where we see Spocks torpedo fly off into space)
or maybe that's actually Spocks torpedo from the end of Star Trek II. Quick, someone start playing "Amazing Grace." Actually I love how much in the background Kyle Rainer is, like he's trying to peak over Batman's shoulder.
Linkara: (voiceover, now in deep voice) It is the 23rd of May, The Dawning of a new millenium, and soon a new order.
Linkara: (still in deep voice) The babalon project was a dream giving form.
Linkara: (voiceover with deep voice) But right now, for a brief time longer, everything is still the same, still normal.
Linkara: (deep voice) Well as normal as a planet that features talking gorillas, aliens, and guys who dress up like bats can be.
Linkara: (voiceover) We see a montage of heros across the world, Superman is helping seal a dam that's about to burst, The Flash is stopping a thief who's about to shoot a cop, and Green Lantern is about to stop a super villian named Sonar from attacking a bank. Metamorpho doing some archealogical digging, Captain Marvel saving a crumpling building, and finally Starfire, and ummm, someone I don't recognize facing off against a couple of super villians. All of a sudden the entire planet is flashed in black light for a mere second. As soon as the light clears, everyone with super powers instantly loses them. Captain Marvel reverts to his young Billy Batson form just in time to get out of the way of a wall crashing, and Metamorpho even turns back into a human. The event also crashes technology for a second as well.
Linkara: Millions cried out in horror as their torrents stopped working.
Linkara: (voiceover) Actually the effects are a bit more serious as Steel's suit completely fails and he crashes to the ground. Aquaman suddenly finds himself drowning and can't call any of the ocean life for help. The Flash loses his speed and the cop gets shot, though doing so while having the goofiest expression on his face making this horrifying moment suddenly really funny. Good Job artist. Superman is swept up in the bursting damn since he can't fly or use super strength to seal it. With Kyles ring disabled Sonar manages to just beat the snot out of him and make off with what he stole from the bank. Oh, and get aloe to the ungrateful dicks who suddenly yell at Superman whose obviously bleeding and trapped under some rubble.
Man 1: Superman, Why didn't You save us?
Man 2: Yeah, why didn't you do something?!
Linkara: Are we suddenly in the Marvel universe?, If I saw freaking Superman suddenly injured and trapped, I'd probably try to help him before i started the insane bitching.
Linkara: (voiceover) At the bar of Guy Gardner, then former Green Lantern, and then former Superhero named Warrior.
(Cut to a Warrior WWE promo, insane laughable dialogue)
Damnit, not that Warrior! They speculate about what may have caused the event, the scene is utterly pointless. Steel survived his fall but was taken to the hospital. Booster Gold and Blue Beetle also survived the incident and talk about all the hero's gathering at the JLA watch tower on the moon. Aquaman goes to see the Martian Man hunter, whose stuck in his martian form and can't shapeshift. Hmmmm, that's something we'll get to in a minute, but what really makes me raise an eyebrow is that Aquaman expresses fear for his people in Atlantis, after all, he's the king, so what happened to all the native water-breathers of the city. BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME, since that's the last time in this entire mini-series where they're brough up. We don't even get a token mention of Aquaman's freaking wife. Anyway the superheros of the DC universe have assembled at the watchtower.
Superhero: Superman lost a whole town.
Linkara: Lost a whole town, we just saw him and the town, four pages ago. People were yelling at him for no good reason.
Linkara: (voiceover) Naturally the heros start throwing out theories and important questions, like what if this was the prelude to an invasion. The next important question is where all the super-natural or mystical heros are like the Specter, Dr. fade, or Zorreal. The answer is that they're all missing which begs the question of why the hell Wonder Woman is among those in the crowd considering her powers are mystical in nature. For that matter, Red Tornado is also among the crowd, sure he's a robot, but what some writers forget is that he's also an air elemental. Meaning that another mystical character is still around despite others not being. MMMMh, weird isn't it. Anyway, Steel brings up the obvious while they look for a solution or a cause to the power disruption, tech based or martial arts based super-heros are now the only ones capable of fending off criminals. Batman leads the charge organizing non-powered heros and getting Oracle, former Batgirl Barbara Gordon, and best hacker and information gather in the world to help the investigation. The Martian Man hunter is....stangely pesimistic about all this.
Martian Manhunter: Until then, our loss may or may not be permanent, but if it is, we'll have to learn to cope with it. In time, answers will be found, and maybe not, Maybe some purpose will be revealed, and maybe not.
Linkara: (as Martian Manhunter) Maybe I'll put salami on my sandwich, and maybe not.
Linkara: (voiceover) I mean, come on guys, it's only been a day or two and you're already acting as if this is the end of the world as you know it. And here in lies the first major problem with this mini series. An idiot plot describes stories wherein the plot only works because all the characters are idiots. This is such an occasion. JLA Act of God only works because all of the characters are morons, and rather whiny irratating morons at that. If this were a story arc in an in-canon comic, every scientific person on the planet would be working around the clock to search for a solution.
(text pops up saying: Instead the only person we ever see working on it is Oracle...Whose expertise is on Computers)
Would be contacting known sources for any kind of information or seek solutions to this. Now some resources would be unavailable like the Green Lantern Core because at this point in Comics history, the core didn't exist and was only Kyle Rainer, However they're also suppose to be aided by the new Gods whose technological mastery is far superior to Earths, and we don't even get a cameo of one of them, or any of the super-heros of the new Gods that live on Earth. And here's our first example of idiocy from the Martian Manhunter.
Martian Manhunter: And maybe, just maybe, this will all prove to be a change for the better
Linkara: (voiceover) The Flash asks the natural question.
Flash: How could it possibly be that J'onn?
Martian Manhunter: I don't pretend to know Flash.
Linkara: Then why the Hell did you bring it up Green genes?
Martian Manhunter: But perhaps no one should have powers above and beyond the rest of humanity, Perhaps it's not normal.
Linkara: That's right people, don't have anything unique or special about you, perhaps it's not "normal"
Martian Manhunter: we were extra-normal, supra normal..
Linkara: Maxi-extreme ultra normal,
Martian Manhunter; and perhaps it wasn't right.
Linkara: uhh, Martian Manhunter, your entire species was telepathic and could shape-shift. That was normal for you.
Linkara: (voiceover) Anyway Flash once again questions the Manhunters idiotic speech.
Flash: You're saying we were wrong J'onn, after all the people we helped, the lives we saved?
Martian Manhunter: Lives are saved everyday by those without powers. By doctors, police, fireman, rescue workers, the clergy.
Linkara:UHHH Yeah, but that doesn't negate his point. Not everybody is a firefighter or a doctor, regardless of their powers, they were still heros.
Linkara: (voiceover) The manhunter lements the fact that he could finally understand humanity and be a part of it.
Martian Manhunter: Well, if only I weren't trapped in this bizarre martian form.
Linkara: Uhh, hold the phone there Jolly Green Giant, you're calling your own race, bizarre looking.
Linkara: (voiceover) As they wait for information, the manhunter suggests that they all be available, via telephone.
Martian Manhunter: Some of us won't like this, but we're all friends here and all in the same boat now. I suggest it's time to share full trust. In fact, i suggest we conclude this meeting by shedding our secret identities with a full exchange of names and numbers.
Linkara: Yeah, good idea J'onn. Wait don't you all have specialized communicaters like JLA signal devices, if not, how the hell did all these people know there was a meeting at the watch tower, for that matter, what the hell phone service are you using "on the moon."
Linkara: (voiceover) we cut to Kyle Rainer's apartment where he's throwing a complete hissy fit over the loss of his power ring. I notice he doesn't go to his friends in the JLA and tell them, "say, my ring isn't working either, maybe you guys could scan it and see if anythings wrong with it." His girlfriend, Jade, tries to reassure him that losing his powers isn't the end of the world, but instead Kyle decides to start sculpting a clay statue of Sonar. Ya know Kyles been defeated before even with the ring, so I'm not entirely clear why this particular incident has him so insensed, especially since, again, it's only been a day or two since the thing stopped working. And here's where we run into the next major problem of this book. This comic makes no sense when you actually stop and think about what has actually happened. The thing is the stereotypical super story is that something radioactive or some freak accident grants a random individual powers and abilites beyond those of mortal men. Ok so someone like the flash who gained his powers through a combination of chemicals soaking him, plus a lightning strike that granted him incredible speed. Then this event reverts him back to a normal human, ok fine makes sense. However people like the Martian Manhunter and Superman, they don't really have super powers. We call them super powers because they're things human beings can't do. But what we have to remember is that those two aren't human. The Martian Manhunters shape-shifting and telepalethy are a part of his species, they are natural biological functions. It'd be like if something caused every human beings heart to stop beating, but we were still alive regardless of that. Superman comes from a planet with a very different kind of sun then ours. While he may look human, his genetic structure is incredibly from us. When he's under our sun, he gains enhanced strength, invunnerabilty, heat vision, etc. This event either had to suppress something completely natural to his species or completely alter his DNA so that it was like a humans. The thing is though to make such extensive alterations to that, it would more likely kill him as actually make a permanent change. DNA is not lego bricks. You can't just rearrange the pieces and make it different. Which leads us to the next little problem, consistency. Let's say for the sake of argument that something could do that to them, that the abilites of people like the Martian Manhunter can be altered like that. But what about beings who look radically different. Metamorpho was transformed into what he is thanks to a mystical orb. When the black light event happened, he became a regular looking human again, but if that's the case, why the hell do we see characters like Killer Frost still looking like they are when they have super powers. Maybe you can get away with Jade still being green-skinned because at this point, she had lost her super-powers in canon, but characters like that should start looking like regular humans again. But ok, maybe I'm just nit-picking here. Let's once again grant the comics thesis that this event stripped them of their powers leaving technologically based superheros unharmed. BUT the thing is, that the Green Lantern ring that Kyle Rainer utilizes, it's technology. it's alien technology and based on made-up science i will grant up, but still technology. The guardians of the universe forged power rings that tap into a specific kind of energy, which can be manipulated in various ways based on the person who wears it.
Linkara: It's not magic, it's not a superpower, it's a little green gun, yet it's not working despite no explanation why it wouldn't be.
Linkara: (voiceover) Well, you might be saying, maybe it's part of this grand scheme by God, alien technology is also disrupted