May 25th, 2010
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. A lot of you might be wondering where I've been for the past week. Well, there was an... incident in Nevada... many people injured....I-I-I could never go back...but I'm here now, and ready to do the next review!
NC (Voiceover): 3-D seems to be everywhere nowadays, doesn't it? But a lot of people forget that this used to be a very cheap gimmick before it became a very expensive gimmick. And probably its ugliest transition was in the 80's and 90's, where 3-D wasn't really big money, didn't look that impressive, and to be honest, no one really knows why it was around.
NC: And one of the movies that tried to take advantage of this relatively dick gimmick was Jaws 3. Also known as, Jaws 3-D!
Footage of Jaws 3
NC (Voiceover): If you thought Jaws 2 was unnecessary, here's a sequel that adds even more unnecessary-ness. Crappy effects, boring characters and 3-D that's so lame, you'll be looking at your hand thinking that it's flat!
NC: And, of course, what I mean by bad 3-D is NO 3-D! This movie doesn't come with any glasses or anything, so it's entirely pointless! In 3-D, this looks very impressive.
NC reaches his hand to the camera spazzing
NC: But in real life, I look like a freaking spazz. This is what you're in for, people. Just an hour and half of this! So let's take a look!
NC's hand continues to spazz at the camera
NC: Annoyed yet?
Footage of the Universal logo
NC (Voiceover): So let's see what gimmicks they try literally throwing at us in the opening.
Footage of the opening credits
NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Whoa, those credits are jumping out at us! Oh, wait, there's no glasses, so it just looks tacky and retarded.
Footage of the shark's pov and fish
NC (Voiceover): So we watch the point of view of probably the world's slowest moving shark as he does the unthinkable.
Shark eats the bass fish
NC (Voiceover): Murders.... (gasps) A WHOLE FISH!
NC: My God! Not the entire fish! The incredible Mr. Limpet will never see his family again!
Fish head floats in the background of the ocean that turned to blood. This shot is shown for a while.
NC (Voiceover): Uh, next. Next. Next! Okay, even in 3-D, your fucking fish head is not scary! NEXT!
Footage of the skiers under and above water and Sea World itself
NC (Voiceover): So the premise of this movie is actually a little creative, at least in its setting. It takes place in Sea World, which I have to admit is kind of a weird advertising tie-in. Do you really want to advertise that your theme park has Jaws in it? A giant shark that can eat you anytime he wants?
NC: It's like advertising Disney World...
A picture of Disney World mascots with the text captions...
NC (Voiceover): "Now with more cancer!"
NC (Voiceover): But, oh, well. We get a couple of guys who are trying to close this gate or something when you-know-who shows up!
A shark fin swims down and the camera pans to the right to the gate with a "bam" sound effect
NC (Voiceover, gruff voice): OW! Son of a bitch! Shark crossing, you a-holes!
Sea World crew member: I thought you said those tracks were secure.
Shelby Overman: Something's holding the gate up.
Sea World crew member: Better get Mike Brody out here.
NC (Voiceover): Actually, all joking aside, what did Jaws exactly do? I mean, I know he's a big shark, but does he just...
Photoshop image of a great white shark with a toolbelt
NC (Voiceover): ...run around with a toolbelt to stop opening gates?
Overman gets into diving gear around dusk and dives in to fix the gate
NC (Voiceover): So this one guy decides to look at the problem at dusk....because, yeah, that's when you have the most amount of light, right?...as he senses something bad in the water.
Overman tries to fix the locks and fixing the gate then turns his head from behind quickly only to notice fish
NC (Waving his arms frantically): CAAAT-I mean, FIIISH!!!
NC (Voiceover): But, of course, Jaws shows up and nabs the guy.
The shark eats and chomps on Overman and the film cuts to a 3-D arm of Overman's severed arm and eaten fingers floating
NC (Voiceover): Wow, I can just feel the fakeness leaping off the screen.
Footage of Mike Brody, Sean Brody, Kathryn Morgan
NC (Voiceover): So we cut to our main characters, played by Dennis Quaid and John Putch. They play the Brody Brothers. That's right, the sons of the main character from the first Jaws movies. What relevance does this have to anything in the story?
NC: Um... look! A 3-D arm!
Footage of Overman's severed arm
NC (Voiceover): A 3-D arm! Whoo!
Footage of the characters and Kelly Ann Bukowski
NC (Voiceover): They're accompanied by their girlfriends, played by Lea Thompson and Bess Armstrong, who like to play games like Stand Off, which involves two people who lightly pushing each other with their palms. (Sarcasm) Truly a battle of strength and wit.
Sean: My fly's open!
Kelly looks and Sean pushes much to the crowd's apparent dismay as they groan
Kelly: No fair!
NC (Voiceover, mimicking Kelly): You lured me with the promise of penis!
Kelly: Beer. Mmm, you owe me a couple.
Sean: That's right, comin' up. Two beers!
NC (Voiceover): Um, are these two gonna stop making out?
Green colored arrow points to Mike and Kathryn making out in front of Sean and Kelly
NC (Voiceover): Come on, guy, you got company there!
Sean and Kelly talk to each other while NC provides moans for Mike and Kelly making out in a sexual manner including table banging sound effects
NC (Voiceover): So Putch and Thompson go down to the water to play their other favorite game: Chase the cow girl through the knee high tents on the beach.
NC: Um... kinky?
Footage of the coral poachers dressed in black clothing sneaking into the lagoon of Sea World
NC (Voiceover): But meanwhile, a bigger, nastier foe is at work! That's right. I'm talking about the lowest form of scum known by man.
Coral Poacher: Somewhere down there is the best coral. Guy in Miami give us 200 bucks for the good stuff.
NC instantly leans closer into the camera
NC: Coral Stealers!
The caption of said word appears with a dramatic music cue
NC (Voiceover): I mean, really? Coral stealers? We have coral stealers in this movie? Who's their competition, the seahorse mafia?
Coral poacher gets pulled into the water by the shark
NC (Voiceover): So, of course, Jaws strikes again, but it wants to be sure it leaves no evidence behind.
The rubber raft implodes and sinks into the lagoon
NC (Voiceover): Bet you didn't know Jaws can suck rasp through a straw, did you?
NC (Voiceover): So the wife of the first dead guy is concerned because they can't find his body. So they take that boat that you...
Footage of the solar powered air/sea craft from Captain Planet
NC (Voiceover): ...always see the Planeteers use to go under the water and see if they could find him.
Footage of the Sea World submarine like vehicle with Yellow Submarine by The Beatles playing
NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Now, get ready, folks, for some of the best underwater effects you have ever seen in your entire life.
Submarine-like vehicle appears through a poorly blue screened window
NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Wow! Happy Meal toys in a bathtub have nothing compared to this scene. In fact, the ship itself sort of looks like Ronald McDonald's electric shaver, doesn't it?
Mike (Voiceover): We're at 25 feet heading to the Spanish Galleon...
NC (Voiceover): And, hey, if you thought my green screen effects were impressive, get a load of this.
When the seacraft turns, the bottom part of it dissolves which a green colored arrow pointing at it
NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Yeah! I bet you didn't know the ship had a cloaking device, did you?
Mike: Overman broke divers at home last night, out there. If anything happened to him, the ocean curve would've washed him up here.
Nick Tatopoulis (footage from Godzilla): That's a lot of fish.
NC (Voiceover); So they come across a fake sunken ship...because if it's good enough for your fish tank, it's good enough for Sea World...as something has the dolphins spooked. But what could it be?
Kathryn: I don't know, they've been acting strange for the last two days. Look at them.
NC (Voiceover, mimicking the dolphins with a gruff voice): There's a shark, bitch! Run!
NC (Voiceover): So as they get out to look around, they come across the ferocious animal! Or at least the hand puppet version of it.
The shark rams into the fake sunken ship scaring the two protagonists
NC (Voiceover, laughing): Oh, my God, it's Whack-A-Shark!
8-bit music plays as NC plays the game with three Jaws sharks and a rubber mallet hitting them
NC (Voiceover): So Quaid and Armstrong get away by, listen to this, riding the dolphins to safety.
Flipper theme song overlaps the protagonists riding on the dolphins
NC (Voiceover): They replay the footage about 30 times to simulate a chase sequence, as they finally escape. So this British...fish hunter or something comes aboard to try to capture the shark and make tons of money off of it.
The Cinema Snob appears in a sidebar startling the NC
Cinema Snob: Actually, that guy is from Manimal.
Poster of Manimal
NC (Voiceover): Cinema Snob, what are you doing here? And what's Manimal?
CS: Only the greatest series to come out of the 1980's! Let me fill you in. It all started on September 30th, 1983. Simon McCorkindale starred as Dr. Jonathan Chase, a man with the brightest of futures...
NC slowly pushes the sidebar away
CS (Voiceover): The darkest of pasts.
NC: So, anyway...
Philip FitzRoyce: If we kill this beastie on camera, I can guarantee you media coverage.
Kathryn: There isn't a Great White alive in captivity anywhere. If any facility can maintain a white, it's us. If we-we could...
NC (Voiceover): Whoa! What is up with...
Zooms in on Dennis Quaid's wet armpits
NC (Voiceover): ...Quaid's pits? I guess sharks give him an unbelievable fear of old spice.
Calvin Bouchard: That will really be a spectacular event, no doubt about that, huh?
NC (Voiceover): So the owner of Sea World gives his blessing as the team heads down to catch Jaws. By the way, when did Sea World become the Starship Enterprise?
Sound effects of the Enterprise are placed into the Sea World control room
Calvin: See anything yet?
Control Room Guy: Yeah, we'll get it on the monitor.
NC (Voiceover, mimicking Calvin): All I can say is, I'm worried. We're in a lousy horror movie and I'm the only black person around. Clearly I need to hire more black people.
NC instantly pulls out the sidebar with Cinema Snob still talking about Manimal
CS: Manimal had the ability to turn into any animal...
NC pushes away the sidebar afterwards with an annoyed look on his face
CS (Voiceover): ...that he damn well pleases...
NC (Voiceover): So they set out to hunt the beast and... oddly enough, they catch it. Jaws is captured and brought to one of the fish tanks. Gee, they're not trying to fake us out like they did in the first movie by any chance, are-oh, wait for it!
Footage of Sea World's new attraction
NC (Voiceover): So they open up their new underwater attraction, which I guess is supposed to be a haunted house underwater.
Obvious fake eel pops out for a likely 3-D effect and a octopus tentacle scares the female guests
NC (Voiceover): Oh, come on! That's not a ride, that's a Hentai!
Camera pans closer to the dragon's take from the attraction
Sea World Annoucer (Voiceover): There's no extra charge for this unique attraction. Our underwater tunnels are not only fun, but informative.
NC: You know, it's funny how often I have to remind myself that this was shot in 3-D. Because, shots like that, they blend in so well to the story. (Beat) Oh, wait, no, they're awkward and stupid!
NC (Voiceover): So, through some really confusing dialogue, I guess the shark dies because they put him in the wrong tank.
Overman's corpse appears behind the glass window of an underwater tunnel
NC (Voiceover): Unfortunately, that doesn't distract the people from the dead guy who's floating in the water.
The tourists scream and for whatever reason, someone pushes one of them to the glass window meeting the corpse face to face
NC (snickers): Who's the a-hole who pushed the girl into the dead body? I mean, who does that?
Footage overlaps with the NC mimicking a jerk off tourist
NC (makes a scootch in gesture and holds his arm around): Oh ,look! A dead guy! Scootch in closer, Suzie, we ought to get a picture of this.
Girl screams at Overman's dead body
NC: Oh, grow up! (smiles)
NC (Voiceover): So they discover that it wasn't Jaws that they originally captured, but her son. That's right, Jaws is a woman. And hell hath no fury like a PMSA shark who wants revenge for her dead fishy!
NC makes an "I wonder" face and pulls out the sidebar containing Cinema Snob
CS: Now in the series 90 minute pilot, Manimal teams up with hot...
NC pushes away the sidebar in annoyance
CS (Voiceover): ...young detective Brooke McKenzie.
Mike Brody runs out to an stage attraction, yelling in gibberish like crazy trying to warn the skiers as well grabbing a microphone while pushing an announcer into the water
Mike: Get out of the water! Bring the boat! Now, bring 'em back!
NC (Voiceover): Jesus, try speaking English to them. Maybe then they'll listen.
Footage of Mike's frantic gibberish overlaps with the NC mimicking the gibberish in an exaggerated manner gestures included and the Tasmanian Devil from an episode of Taz-Mania
A shark fin instantly appears behind another group of water skiers
NC (chuckles): Sheesh, is it me or is Jaws making like incredible speed? What, does she just have a motor attached to her fin?
The skiers falls and the shark for whatever reasons passes by them in incredible speed with a stock airplane motor sound effect accompanying it
NC (Voiceover): So after not eating anyone, yes, she just sort of looks at them, she decides that bumper boats are more to her liking. As she... (gasps) nibs one of her victims! That's right, she nibs now. Jaws isn't as much a savage killer as much as she is a light nibbler.
Jaws attacks the underwater tunnels
NC (Voiceover): But she makes up for it by trying to destroy the underwater haunted house.
The shark rams into the tunnels causing huge leaks
NC (Voiceover): Yes, I can see why Sea World wanted to do a tie-in with this movie. Can't you just see the promotional video right now?
An instrumental of Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid plays over the footage of the tourists screaming while the tunnels leak
NC (Voiceover, mimicking a cheesy announcer): Looking for a summer vacation? Want to bring the kids? Hoping to be trapped in a watery grave with little to no hope of escape?
Sea World appears and materializes over the footage
NC (Voiceover, mimicking a cheesy announcer): Come to Sea World! The disappointing alternative to Disney World.
NC (Voiceover): So the people are trapped literally under the sea as that British guy tries to go and lure the shark into a giant underwater cage. But he gets caught and is unable to escape.
The shark attempts to eat the guy while Philip points out a bang stick most likely for another 3-D effect shot
NC (Voiceover, chuckles): What? Is he trying to cast a spell on her?
Audio of Harry Potter shouting the incantation Expecto Patronum overlaps while later being accompanied by a cartoon sound effect when Philip is swallowed by the shark
The shark chomps on Philip
NC (Voiceover, mimicking Philip): Wait! You can't eat me! I'm British food! I taste terrible!
NC (Voiceover): So the British guy literally gets stuck in Jaws' teeth as her other row of teeth, which I guess are in her throat or something, finishes him off! His assistant doesn't take the news well.
Jack Tate: Down below! Down below! Somebody pretty pulled the oxygen lungs for me!
NC (chuckles): What is it when people yell in this movie, you can never understand what the hell they're saying?
Jack (sobbing): Somebody pulled the pin! (Continues sobbing)
NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Aw, that was really gripping. In that he was, really gripping that ladder. You can't deny it, he was really holding on to that ladder.
Calvin: Kathryn, what are you doing?
Kathryn: I'm going down there.
Calvin: Are you crazy?
Kathryn: He needs on the back of his head, Calvin.
Calvin's nephew appears
NC (Voiceover): Oh, look, another black guy. I guess that gives Calvin a fighting chance to survive this movie, doesn't it?
Once again, NC pulls out the sidebar containing Cinema Snob
CS: We got to see Manimal turn into a cat so he could peak down...
NC once again pushes the sidebar away
CS (Voiceover) ...to Ursula Anderson's dress.
NC (Voiceover): So even though she's in a giant metal cage, does that stop Jaws? (The shark rams to the window and breaks the glass (and freezes after doing so)) Fuck, no! She rips through it like it was wet toilet paper.
Jaws the shark roars
NC: Good lord, nothing can stop this killing machine! Well, except maybe one thing... CHUCK NORRIS!
A picture of Chuck Norris appears with fireworks and the American flag in the background, while a high-pitched voice yells, accompanied by organ music '"A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIIIIIIIS!".
NC: But, even then, he'd have to be riding a shark just as big as Jaws.
Photoshop image of Chuck Norris riding a great white shark as if it was a rodeo horse
NC (Voiceover, high pitch): A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIS! Riding a shark just as big as JAAAAAAAWS!
NC (Voiceover): So they finally get the people out as I'm sure they reenact the audience's reaction of leaving this movie. Unfortunately, Jaws starts floating towards the base! Oh, and I don't mean swim, I mean float. Having actual movement would require another Double A battery.
The shark swim (or floats) towards the underwater control room as the protagonists scream in Horror in slow motion
NC (mock horror and panic while pointing): By God! She's very, very, very, very, very slowly coming towards us! We only have hours to escape! Hours!
The shark rams into the glass window breaking it (and freezes after doing so)
NC (Voiceover, snickers): Oh-ho! The effects for this movie never cease to amaze me! I especially love how Jaws just freezes in time as a vacuum of water floods into the building. It's like she's so bad, that she ascends above water. Even the elements of Earth can't possibly stop her.
Again, NC pulls out the sidebar containing Cinema Snob who is still rambling on about Manimal
CS: Let's not forget about the time he turned into a horse...
Once again, he pushes away the sidebar
NC (Annoyed): Mt God!
CS (Voiceover): ...to stop a robber.
NC (Voiceover): So after she breaks the fourth wall, she goes looking around for tasty morsels. Guess who she picks?
The shark grabs Calvin's nephew with her teeth and proceeds to devour him while he screams in agony
NC (Voiceover, mimicking Calvin): Phew! Thank God I had that other black guy! I guess lousy killer monsters really do prefer dark meat. Later!
NC (Voiceover): So Quaid and Armstrong try to swim out as Jaws gets stuck between one of the walls.
Kathryn swims over the shark's head while the shark tries to eat someone else but is stuck
NC (Voiceover, mimicking the shark): Oh, hey, come on, now you're just teasing me! Come on down here and fight like a shark!
The shark gets close to Kathryn but misses
NC (Voiceover): So I guess the British guy and the grenade are still in her mouth and yet somehow she doesn't choke to death, as Quaid uses it to blow up the shark for good!
Mike pulls the pin on the grenade and the shark explodes with its jaws literally flying towards the camera
NC (Voiceover, chuckles): Did we enter an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon? Way to end on a high note!
Mike and Kathryn head for the surface after blowing up the shark
Kathryn: Mike! Mike, the dolphins!
NC (mock concern): Yes, what about the dolphins? Those...characters that played little to no part but now we're suddenly concerned about?
NC (Voiceover): Yes, the dolphins make it out as well, which is funny because we don't really know if any of the people made it out alive or if they just drowned to death. But the dolphins are okay and that's all that matters. Well, okay, no, it isn't, but who cares? The movie's over, I'll take anything you throw at me!
NC: And that's Jaws 3-D, or as I like to call it: Shit.
Footage of Jaws 3
NC (Voiceover): Not only are the special effects terrible, even if you do have the 3-D glasses, but the story is just ludicrous and the characters so boring that there's literally nothing that can save it, even if it was in 3-D.
NC: And that's all I gotta say about... you know, I wonder.
Out of curiosity, he pulls out the sidebar to find the Cinema Snob still rambling on about Manimal
CS: The series was cancelled on December 17th, 1983 due to poor ratings...
NC off screen turns on a lullaby song, an instrumental version of Rock-a-Bye Baby
CS: ...with it being put on...
NC (whispering to CS): Good night, Cinema Snob. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
He gets up and leaves while the Cinema Snob continues to ramble
CS: His appearance in Jaws 3-D marks only the second time that McCorkindale has been featured in something that has featured sharks and the Jaws theme. Now am I saying that there's a scene from Manimal that he turns into a shark to go after a bad guy and it plays the Jaws theme? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.
NOTE: Channel Awesome Tag
"Mike, the dolphins!"