August 17, 2011
Admin's note: This transcript is incomplete.
Oancitizen: Previously on Phelous... is that really what the show's called? Whatever. Anyway...
Oancitizen (vo): Previously on Phelous... Phelous used to die a lot at the end of his reviews, then come back with no clear reason why until he finally got killed for reals and had to regenerate into himself. after which, a bunch of other non-embarassing things happened, like Phelous getting trapped in a time loop forever. But forever isn't forever, and Phelous went on until getting shot by stock footage and turning into one of his friends until he came back when he couldn't have, allowing himself to turn back into himself forever. But even death couldn't last forever. As Phelous saw his evil reflection in the mirror take a bunch of pills, causing him to turn into a cat.
Oancitizen: Wow. this is either just ridiculously silly or brilliantly pretentious. Really, it sounds like something I should be reviewing. Hm. Hey Phelous, do you mind if I review your show?
Phelous: Sure thing, Kyle, but feed me and change my litter.
Oancitizen: No, I'm not changing your litter! I'm talking to a cat.
Obscurus Lupa: Well, this won't do at all. Good thing i can solve this with a garlic sandwich from Baldric Ex Machina.
Phelous: Oh, I'm me again.
Oancitizen: Did you just solve the whole "Phelous turns into a cat" thing from Deus Ex Machina? A Deus Ex Machina which is also an in-joke?
Obscurus Lupa: Nope. Sure didn't!
Phelous: Thanks...Lupa. And oh, Ralph Oancitizen, it's nice to have a cameo from you.
Oancitizen: Ralph Oancitizen? No. Just--just no. No.
Phelous: But that's what your IMDB page said your name was.
Oancitizen: Rrrrright. An IMDB page always has everything 100% correct, right? Enjoying your $5,000 budget, Phelous?
Phelous: Nooooo! Everyone else on the site has a pretend higher budget than me!
Obscurus Lupa: (laughs)
Oancitizen: So, uh, about you reviewing the show. I was wondering if...
Phelous: Oh, wait just a second there, Kyle. I've got something I've gotta take care of.
Phelous D1: Well, now that I'm back, I have big plans for you, Phelous! (laughs)
Phelous: Uh-hah. Welcome back.
(He shoots Phelous D1.)
Phelous D1: Urgh! I can't believe that you just came up and shot me!
Phelous: Uh-hah. Well, there's no point in dragging this out.
Phelous D1: But I had so many thing planned! Like, I was gonna send you to another dimension and turn your show into a romantic comedy for a few shows!
Phelous: (sighs) Why are you alive?
Phelous D1: I'm not alive! You've killed me!
Phelous: Oh yeah. You are dead now, aren't you? Cool.
Phelous: There we go. Storyline all taken care of. You were saying?
Oancitizen: You just went and shot him??? That's the whole resolution?
Obscurus Lupa: (laughs)
Oancitizen: This is just beyond contempt, and I want no part of this!
Phelous: Okay. Bye, Kyle Citizen!
Oancitizen: (offscreen) That's not how my name goes, either!
Phelous: Welcome back, I'm Phel-whatever, and welcome to another video of my Let's Review series. Today, let's review Here Comes the Boogeyman Which was just a working title for Jeepers Creepers.
Phelous (vo): Cowabunga Creepers starts off with a brother and sister driving.
Phelous: Which is something they do for most of the film's run time. SPOILERS!
Darius "Darry" Jenner: And there's that one tree and nothing else inside.
Patricia "Trish" Jenner: Someone banged into the car while we were inside the room.
Darry: That's right.
Phelous (vo): Oh, right, 'cause it wouldn't make sense if we could still hear them when the car's below that hill like that. Anyway, we've got good old Justin Long in his best role ever. This is of course, before Drag Me to Hell and voicing Alvin in Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. But really, here at least he seems to be more awake compared to his role in Drag Me to Hell. His sister Trish is played by Gina Philips, who's been in stuff I don't really care about. She wasn't in 7th Heaven, though, so that's the important thing.
Trish: Come on, Darry.
Phelous: "Darry"? What, is he gonna tell us to get milk or join the Greasers to fight the socials?
Darry: "Gay... Gay Fever!" That's 3 for little bro.
Trish: That's a 6, not a G, you idiot. That's "Sexy Forever." That's mine. That's 5 to 2.
Phelous (vo): How the hell do you get either of those? Besides, 5 is S, not 6. Don't you know leet speak? Oh, and it's old people driving this RV. Why they aren't sexy forever.
Darry: You know there's usually a reason when you like the long way home.
Trish: Maybe I like the country?
Phelous (vo): If it's your car and your idea to go the long way, why aren't you driving?
Darry: "Trisha, why are you driving home for spring break with your brat brother and not heading off somewhere with that nice Mr. Poli-Sci-Track-Team Guy?"
Trish: I will tell them the same thing I'll tell you: None of your goddamn business.
Darry: What, you don't think I could understand the complex nature of your relationships?
Trish: No, I look at you as a real expert.
Darry: You wanted the back way home. That's 10 hours of preachers, farm reports...
Trish: Could you possibly just shut up and drive, please?