Jem and the Holograms
June 14, 2016
(We open with a parody of the Jem theme song, with NC, wearing a pink shirt and a pink wig, dancing and singing on a stage much like Jem)
NC and background singers (vo; singing): Critic! Critic's excitement
He's flashy and things like that
Fashion, glitter, turning heads and that's really about it
He's truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly, truly a critic
Critic's my name, as we clearly explained!
(Malcolm and Tamara pop up, also wearing stylish wigs on their heads, like the Misfits)
Singers (vo): Hey, and we're in this! We're in this!
Hey, and we're in this!
(NC pushes them away)
NC (vo): I don't care, cause I'm all those "truly" I mentioned before, a critic!
Critic's my name, did you get that part about me saying, "Critic's my name"?
(The song ends, and then we cut to a mansion where NC, Malcolm and Tamara, still dressed, talk with each other)
NC: Well, in our first cinematic motion picture that we're gonna show to the world, yes, we're gonna use our hologram computers to disguise who we really are!
NC: I don't know, but we gotta keep this life-changing technology a secret, and only use it to sing songs and take down other competing bands.
Malcolm: Oh, like the Misfits or the Stingers?
NC: No! And we'll do it while supporting my 12 foster kids!
Tamara: 12 foster kids?
NC: I was very inspired by BrAngelina. And maybe, just maybe, we'll talk about movies.
Malcolm: Well, what are we waiting for?
Tamara: Yeah! Slap that pointless music video credit below and let's get glittering! (That music caption is then randomly shown below)
(NC and the two do a stylish pose, until they suddenly frown)
NC: Um, cut.
(The background image of their mansion is soon replaced with a greenscreen, revealing that the trio were performing a scene in a filming directed by the Analysts (Rob and Malcolm))
Analyst 2: Critic, we told you, you're not allowed to say cut because you're not directing this.
Analyst 1: Yes, the chart made that quite clear. (Brings out a chart saying "Critic No")
NC: I just don't feel like this is what people are gonna be looking for with a Nostalgia Critic theatrical release.
Tamara: Yeah, this isn't really what the show is about.
Analyst 2: Trust me. We worked on the Jem movie.
Analyst 1: Yes, and if there's anything we've figured out, it's that people want adaptations with 80s music, holograms, and truly outrageous adventures.
Malcolm: Are you sure that's not what they just want it for a Jem movie?
Analyst 1: I don't understand. Can you phrase your question in the form of a chart?
Malcolm: Um... (Writes something on a piece of paper and reveals the chart to be saying, "Just wanted a real Jem movie. You're an idiot")
Analyst 1: I can't understand him through his accent.
Analyst 2: Why don't we take a break for all of us to collect our thoughts?
Analyst 1: Good idea! I'll calculate the probability of me relaxing. (The Analysts leave, with Analyst 1 typing on a phone) Ha! Zero.
(NC, Malcolm and Tamara leave the filming room, with NC now dressed in his normal get-up)
Tamara: Does this feel right to you?
NC: I don't know. I mean, the chart says... (Malcolm slaps him in the head) Thank you. (Sits down on his reviewing chair) I mean, if this is what the mass audience wants, we should at least try it.
Tamara: Have you seen the Jem movie?
NC: Well, for the sake of this analogy to work, I'll say no.
Malcolm: Why don't you watch it first?
(Footage of the Jem cartoon is shown)
NC (vo): The original Jem and the Holograms was a slightly dated 80s cartoon. Just, just slightly. It centered around a singer who led a double life, using technology from a supercomputer named Synergy to use holograms in her earrings to disguise herself.
NC: It was... It was Jem. Which is more than I can say for the movie.
(Footage of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): The film is quickly being regarded as one of the worst adaptations of all time. Not only did viewers freak when they saw that the trailer virtually had nothing to do with the original source material, but so few people saw it that it was pulled from theaters in literally two weeks. Two weeks! That's faster than when we figured out Saddam Hussein might be a bad guy! It was ignored by the masses, panned by the critics, and despised by true fans of the original show.
NC: Is it worth all the hatred? Well, spike up your hair and ignore the little voice in your head saying, "This is wrong." This is Jem and the Holograms...
Tamara: Uh, we're still here.
NC: So you are.
(After a pause of the trio staring at each other, NC pulls out his gun, which causes Malcolm and Tamara to leave)
Malcolm and Tamara: Okay. Okay. See you later. Okay. Have a nice review. Bye.
(NC puts his gun down and begins his review)
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): You'll notice that this movie was made by BH Productions, known primarily for making horror films.
NC: That's so easy, I'm just gonna give you a pass on that joke, movie. But you BETTER have tougher material for me later.
(Cuts to movie)
NC (vo): We open with performer and fame Sharknado star, Audrey Peeples, playing Jerrica, who is making a video about how she became Jem.
Jerrica: ...my little sister, Kimber. Now you know how people go online and overshare every tiny little detail, and your life is just an open e-book for everyone to see...
NC: Yeah. Tell me more about how your sister shares everything in this TWO HOUR VIDEO ABOUT HOW YOU BECAME A STAR. You know what, movie? I'll let this one pass, too. In fact, give me the first hit! You can have the first hit! It's OK! (A hand punches NC's face) Great! Now I have to be relentless on ya!
NC (vo): She lives with her aunt, Molly Ringwald. No, really. Molly Ringwald is in this.
NC: Oh, I'll give you two seconds to let out a little cry.
(He imitates crying for two seconds)
NC: ...who has two foster daughters and, according to Jerrica...
Jerrica: There's only one missing piece. My dad.
NC: Because in all bad movies, dead mothers don't mean shit!
Jerrica: He would call me his diamond in the rough, or his... gem.
NC: Spelled with a J. He specifically said that every time.
NC (vo): He's working on a device called "Synergy." Yep. That's the super computer from the show.
NC: Don't blink or you'll confuse which one is which!
(The images of both Synergy depictions appear beside him as he talks.)
NC (vo): And, by the way, they never do say what he died of, but by looking at his INCREDIBLY deteriorating health, you KNOW it just had to be Broad-Shoulder-Itis. You know, the same that took her mother that doesn't exist.
Jerrica: I still feel like he's with me.
(The film's title screen pops up in the static)
NC: Oh, and by the way, that's not the title. They're just reminding you that you ARE watching Jem and the Holograms. You didn't wander into the wrong theater.
(Cuts to movie)
Jerrica: Now, what you're thinking that this many girls under one roof, recipe for disaster, right? Well, if you thinking that, that's sexist and you should be ashamed of yourself.
NC: Yeah. They do non-sexist things, like get in arguments on what clothes to wear.
(The sisters are arguing about the clothes.)
NC: It's almost like a 36-year old man wrote this.
Kimber: I don't wanna look like a fashion refugee from 1985!
NC: Let's just measure the frustration of every pissed off Jem fan must be having with, say, a REALLY pissed off Jem fan with her hair serving as a mood ring.
(A drawing of a pissed-off female Jem fan appears on stand by with her hair turning redder and growling the more she gets pissed off.)
NC: Trust me, you're gonna see a lot of her.
(This indicates the Jem Fan meter being an actual evaluation of a Jem fan's frustration. It goes into a fit of rage near the end, but we're not spoiling it right at this sentence.)
NC (vo): But it's okay, because they solve all their problems by humming in harmony. No, really. No matter what the issue is, that always seems to solve everything.
Aunt Bailey: Kimber, hit a C note.
Kimber: Seriously, Aunt Bailey?
Aunt Bailey: Seriously. Let's go.
(Kimber starts off humming the note in question with the rest of the girls following after)
Shana: I know that I messed up and I'm sorry. Come here.
(Shana comes over and hugs Kimber)
(Malcolm and Tamara come in, and he's got a pen coming out of his eye)
Malcolm: Critic, Tamara stabbed me in the eye with a pen.
Tamara: Well, you shouldn't have taken the last Diet Coke.
Malcolm: That was my Diet Coke!
(The two go back and forth on arguing MINE! at each other)
NC: Tamara! Hit a C note.
Tamara: What are you talking about? (NC hums the note at her) I'm...I'm definitely not following this. (He hums the note at her again) We should probably get him to a hospital.
Malcolm: I may literally have seconds.
(Blood starts coming out of the pen in Malcolm's eye. NC hums the note at them before the other two finally do the same)
NC: That's more like it. Now get your cult clothes on. (Malcolm and Tamara leave the scene still humming) We're having Kool-Aid tonight.
NC (vo): So they decide to do a music video just for fun and, for some reason, think they're in a found footage movie, because they literally film everything they do.
(Kimber and the girls make a video together using the phone as their camera)
NC: Okay, is it this movie's goal to make every previous generation hate this generation?
Jerrica: How do I look?
Aja: Truly, truly?
(The Jem Fan rage goes up another notch)
NC (vo): But they all want Jerrica to sing.
Jerrica: No, I feel uncomfortable.
Kimber: Come on, J. I need you.
NC: I think you "need" her the same way your (picture of) scrambled eggs need more salt. Kind of, but can live without it.
NC (vo): But things suddenly get forcibly serious when it looks like the house is going to be foreclosed on. I guess it looks like Molly Ringwald doesn't make the best money choices. I mean, she's in this film, isn't she?
Jerrica: Thirty days? That's what they're giving us? There has to be something we can do.
Aunt Bailey: There is. We can be strong for each other.
NC: If there's anything Three Stooges media has taught me, it's that entertainment always saves heartfelt buildings.
NC (vo): So she decides to film a video and, I'm not even kidding, she does that thing where she films the intro like a million times.
Jerrica: (various attempts) I'm gonna play you a song that I wrote. Obviously./Ugh./Oh, hey, I didn't see you there./I need to cut this./Ugh!
NC: Oh, she's shy. The movie's giving you permission to be an egomaniac later, because we know, deep down, you're really shy.
NC (vo): And finally, she disguises herself in a wig and low lighting, calling herself Jem.
Jerrica: (singing) Maybe I'm all alone out here. Nobody's listening.
NC: Christ, am I the only one waiting for a monster to pop up any minute?
(The song continues until a ghost girl pops up on the screen)
NC: Eh, that wasn't so scary. (A poster for Norm of the North pops up) Aah! Now that's scary!
(Jem continues singing, while we see the sisters hearing her while doing other things)
NC (vo, as one of the sisters): WILL YOU SHUT UP?! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP!
(Jem shuts off the camera)
NC (vo): Jerrica, of course, wants to delete the video, but her sister uploads it, and...LITERALLY goes viral overnight.
News Reporter: All the web has been talking about is this video posted by an artist who goes only by Jem.
NC (vo): Somebody on an acoustic guitar singing about how they're alone? I have never seen this online!
Kimber: Every time I refresh it, it just keeps going up.
NC (vo): Even the head of the music label called "Starlight" is wanting to make her a star.
Starlight Agent: Jem, if you're out there, check your inbox.
NC: How do they think this works? If I make a video of myself jerking off and then post it online, is someone gonna be like...?
(He gets interrupted by an open door revealing a snooty British man played by Malcolm)
British Man: I want to make you famous.
NC: OH, HOW THEY SCOFFED!
NC (vo; speaking in a sarcastic whiny sad tone): But Jerrica is sad that she has a huge moneymaking opportunity laid out for her. Oh, poor freakin' baby.
Molly: I think you have the potential to become something so much greater.
Jerrica: The version of me that they want... it doesn't exist.
NC: Again, I think that's what most of the fanbase has been saying.
NC (vo): But her aunt convinces her to talk to the agent, all while this entirely pointless YouTube video plays.
(A video of dueling drummers is playing while Jerrica talks to the Starlight agent.)
NC (vo): What is the purpose of this? Are they preparing a punchline drum beat when she says she wants to bring her sisters and their agent writes "bye?"
(A rimshot is heard)
NC: Oh, wait. I take it back. She doesn't write "bye", she writes "poo".
(During their chat, the Starlight agent known as Erica adds a poo typo before deleting it and replacing with a sentence saying, "Sorry, typo. Driver will pick everyone up in the AM")
NC (vo): Sorry, I always mistype...
NC: ..."Driver will pick everyone up in the AM" with "Poo." Why are those two keys always together?
(A representation is displayed as he says sentence two.)
Aunt Bailey: Good morning!
NC (vo): So they're picked up by a driver/bodyguard.
Zipper: My name is Zipper.
(The Jem Fan rage goes up another notch)
NC (vo): And since we got the feeling you didn't hate the movie enough yet, here's Juliette Lewis.
(We first see Erica Raymond)
Erica: Jerrica Benton.
NC (vo): Or is that someone in a Juliette Lewis mask?
NC: No, no, that's her, that's her.
NC (vo): She plays Erica, the owner of Starlight Studios who's supposed to hammer in the message that big artistic corporations are bad. A special thanks to this big artistic corporate film for telling us that.
Erica: Which reminds me, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, all of that. Until further notice, none of it.
(The girls' heads explode as if their minds are blown)
NC: Ooh, sorry. I just assume that's what happens when you tell a Millennial that.
(We then see Jerrica and her sisters trying on new clothes in a montage)
NC (vo): Hard as it may seem to believe, this movie has a clothing montage. I know. I so rarely see them, too. But if Erica's gonna turn them into the Jonas Sisters, she has a lot of work ahead of her. But it's okay, because she has an intern/son named Rio (The Jem Fan Rage goes up another notch), who's been hired to keep an eye on them.
Rio: This is Starlight Mansion. Your room is upstairs.
(A slo-mo shot of the girls passing through a corridor is shown, the girls looking amazed at the curtains)
Rio: This is your room.
NC: No, no, what was that slo-mo curtain thing? You're in a mansion and you focus on them being amazed by the curtains? What's the matter with you?
Kimber: Is anyone else so tired they can't even take their shoes off?
Aja: I'm so tired I can't even try my new ones on.
NC (vo): Yeah, it's hard having people do your makeup and try dresses on. What are you, 40?
(In the night, as the girls sleep, a light appears from Jerrica's bag)
NC (vo): But something goes SUCK in the night as they hear a sound from Jerrica's bag.
(Jerrica opens the bag to reveal a tiny robot)
(We are then shown old videos of Jerrica's father building Synergy)
NC: Yeah, thanks for the reminder. I was confusing it with all the other robots I saw in this movie.
(Synergy comes to life and starts whistling)
Aja: So that's how it communicates. Through music.
NC (vo; as Aja): The exact opposite of what Nickelback does.
(Synergy flashes a light onto the roof, which reveals a map)
NC (vo): It's a map to Luke Skywalker.
NC: This sucker has everything!
NC (vo): So, okay, screw the band. Her dad has created life. Obviously, they can sell this thing and make more than enough money to save the house.
(Synergy reveals video footage of a beach)
Kimber: That's where your Dad wants us to take Synergy next.
Jerrica: You're right.
NC: Or go to the place your iTrashcan showed you for a second.
NC (vo): Well, this clearly makes no sense. How about another pointless YouTube video to have it make even less sense?
(We see a video of a man tapping pencils on a table and scatting while we see Jerrica and the girls are preparing for something)
NC (vo): Yeah, they still think there's a connection somehow to what's going on in the movie and just random videos found online. Were the makers of this film just like...?
(NC is holding the words "Random videos" and "Movie" in his hands. After thinking for a moment, he smashes the words together and shows the Jem logo with a "ta-da!" music sting)
NC (vo): So they steal Rio's car and brilliantly film it, because it'll look so awesome in their court hearing, as we cut to a security camera showing them driving off. Okay, seriously. Are you just ashamed that professional cameras filmed your movie?
NC: Did you see Blair Witch and were like, "Oh! We could've half-assed it a lot more!"
NC (vo): Get this. They go to the location and find another piece of the robot which gives them a clue to the location where the next piece is. So glad Dad spent all his time devising this Easter Egg hunt instead of, I don't know, keeping their future financially secure.
NC: (As a wife) Hey, Frank, look. (Brings out a smart phone and garlic) I invented the smart phone! I'm gonna use it to cut vegetables! (Taps the garlic with the phone)
(Rio comes across the girls)
Rio: My job is to keep an eye on you, remember?
NC (vo): But Rio finds them, is surprisingly not turning them in...
NC: Grand Theft Auto is just girls having fun.
NC (vo): But it looks like they might be busted because they're trespassing.
Jerrica: We jump?
(All the girls jump off the bridge and into the river, except Jerrica)
Rio: Come on. You gotta jump sometime.
NC (vo): Another phrase people say after watching this movie. (Everyone lands in the water) Thank God the airtight perfection of a trash bag kept Synergy dry, because now, he can jam with everybody.
(The girls and Rio sing a song together as Synergy dances)
Girls: Go, Synergy! Go, Synergy! Whoo!
NC: Do you think Synergy's proud with this role? Do you think he...brings it up at family get-togethers?
Synergy: Guess what? I've been cast in a reboot of an 80s cartoon that'll be in theatres for two weeks. What have YOU two been up to?
EVE: I'm in an Academy Award winner for best animated film. (NC dubs EVE's dialogue with him saying "Eva")
Synergy: Oh, and you?
BB-8: Star Wars. (Synergy makes a low tone sound) We still love you.
Synergy: Don't patronize me!
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So they get ready for their first big concert. (Synergy is shown hiding when Erica comes in the room) Hey, hide, Synergy! You don't want to make the money! And it just happens to be at the same place where the next clue is. Coinkey-de-doo.
(Before the concert, Erica gives the girls a pep talk)
Erica: First, posture makes perfect. Second, lean your way on the back of your legs. Smile, but don't make faces. Paparazzi are not your friends.
NC (vo): Wouldn't you tell them all this a little before they're about to step out into the spotlight?
NC: Oh, and by the way, you're not singing, you're actually juggling chihuahuas. (Steps out to applause from a crowd) Hi!
(During their concert, the power goes off)
NC (vo): But unfortunately, the power goes off...spared no expense...but everyone gets out their phones and they just keep the party going 'cause they love it so much.
(The concert keeps on going with Jem and the girls performing as the audience with their phones enjoy this)
NC (vo; as an audience member): Yay! None of us will have batteries to call our parents for a ride home! But at least we can barely hear what you're singing over everyone! (Normal) After the show, they locate yet another clue, and plug it into Synergy.
(The girls put the next piece into Synergy)
NC (vo; as a recording of Jerrica's father): Jerrica, it's your father. If you're hearing this, I've been murdered. Don't trust your aunt! (Normal) It doesn't seem to give them any answers, so Jem just spews out some random bullshit.
Jerrica (voiceover): We each have a rhythm inside of us. Our heartbeat in it connects us all. So when the path you're on allows you to hear it for the first time, it's like the whole world suddenly falls under perfect harmony.
NC: (As Jerrica) Uh, follow your heart, listen to your dreams, remember to brush your teeth. I have other Daily Quote emails.
NC (vo): So everyone seems to be in love with Jem's amazingness...at least, everyone who was still under contract with Universal at the time.
(Chris Pratt is shown being interviewed)
Chris Pratt: Jem and I dated for, like, six weeks. It was pretty serious.
NC: (As Pratt) I'm totally working it into the title of my next film, Jurassic Statutory! (Shows the logo of Jurassic World, with "World" scribbled out and replaced with "Statutory")
NC (vo): But it looks like there's bad news on the horizon.
(Jerrica gets a call from Aunt Bailey)
Bailey: Jerrica, I lost the appeal. We just have till the end of this week.
NC: (As Jerrica) Okay, I have a robot with consciousness. We will be shitting money if I can get it to the right people...
(Jerrica is shown being given a contract by Erica)
NC (vo): OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Jerrica: A solo contract?
Erica: Let me turn you into an icon.
NC (vo): You're really gonna sign with a person who is doing everything she can to convince you she is literally the Devil?!
Erica: Otherwise, you would leave me no choice but to replace you. It's exciting.
(NC briefly grows the Devil's horns on his head)
NC: (As Erica) Oh, excuse me. Those always pop up.
NC (vo): So after signing it her legal name, I'm sure, she clearly goes to tell her sisters about it, right? Nope. She figures let it be a surprise! Surely, nothing bad would come of it in the near future.
(The sisters confront Jerrica backstage)
Jerrica: We were just talking about you.
Shana: Yeah, we know. We heard everything.
NC (vo): You signed a bullshit contract that completely screws you over? You really ARE an Internet star!
Kimber: I'm done.
NC (vo): They're, of course, pissed off that she tried to save her house...when, of course, they ALL should be pissed off they're not using that damn robot!
NC: Okay, dead horse.
NC (vo): Nevertheless, she gets dressed up as Lady Haha and lets these background dancers do God knows what.
(Jem performs solo, with a group of male backup dancers doing all sorts of movements. NC mimics the dancers)
NC: We got our training by watching monkeys do interpretative dance.
NC (vo): If you have it seen right in the middle of the theater, we look amazing. If not, we...just look really awkward and confused. But we know you're used to watching that in this movie anyway!
NC: If not, call this number. (1-800-JEM-SHIT) Together, we can heal.
(And we go to a commercial)
(When we come back, we see Jem both performing and being sad backstage)
NC (vo): So Lame Runner partakes in all the classic rock star cliches: throwing stuff off the desk, looking at herself in a cracked mirror, referencing bands better than her to make you think she's so unlike them.
Jerrica (voiceover): In July 1973, the Everly Brothers self-destructed in front of a sold-out crowd. It happens. Bands break up. But...we were supposed to be different.
NC: Yeah, that whole "One show you girls did together" really cemented your staying power.
NC (vo): How are you supposed to be different? That's probably the fastest breakup ever recorded in human history! No matter. We're late to your biggest cliche: Finding the old house you grew up in and sighing, followed by the cliche that her sister Kimber is there at the exact same time...and her foster sisters...and Rio, too.
NC: You know, while you're at it, why don't you just bring the dead father back to meet them there, too?
NC (vo): And how do they solve all this conflict that's come between them in literally one day?
NC: How else?
(All the girls all sing the C Note together)
NC (vo): Yep. This is literally so stupid that even the film calls itself out on it.
Rio: Okay, that was weird.
NC: As well as lazy, contrived, and all-around unpleasant.
NC (vo): But come on, gang! We still have a mystery to solve! You see, they discover that her entire hologram message is in the star earrings that Jem has. (The Jem Fan Rage goes up another notch) So they have to break into Starlight Studios to get it. So rather than, oh, just walk in because she's their biggest name and he's son of the owner, they disguise themselves to sneak inside.
(The sisters approach two security guards and give them a phone)
Sister (I can't tell which one): Could you please take a picture?
(As the guards are distracted, Jerrica and Rio get out of the car and shut the door)
NC (vo; as Guard #1): Did you hear that door slam, Fred? (As Guard #2) Nope.
Jerrica: I hope this works.
NC (vo; as Guard #1): How about that talking, Fred? (As Guard #2) Nope. (As Guard #1) Not even the trunk closing, Fred? (As Guard #2) Look, it's Jem and the Holograms. I've blocked out all visuals and sounds during this. (As Guard #1) I hear you, Fred. (As Guard #2) Well, if you do, you're not doing it right.
(Jerrica and Rio sneak into the building, before we cut to more YouTube drumming videos)
NC (vo): This leads to yet another YouTube video that in no way connects to anything! I don't get it! I really don't get it!
NC: Except, apparently, this one has... (Sees that one of the people in the drumming video is...) Rob Scallon?! Like, that Rob Scallon? (Shows all of Rob's previous appearances on NC, including Man of Steel, The Lorax, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, and Mad Max: Fury Road) What the hell is he doing in this?! (We see Rob's cameo video briefly again) This is weird. I'm giving him a call.
(He picks up his phone and dials the numbers. We see Rob Scallon in another room. His phone rings and he answers it. Sad acoustic guitar music plays throughout their conversation)
NC: Scallon, why didn't you ever tell me you were in Jem and the Holograms?
Rob: Look...uh...remember when I told you I did some movies in the past that...I wasn't very proud of?
NC: Oh, my God. I thought you were just talking about porn.
Rob: No, it's far worse. It was Jem.
NC: Rob, I-I had no idea.
Rob: It was hard times. And I let people use me in a way that...well...I might never feel clean again.
NC: Were you at least safe?
Rob: Oh, yeah. I used protection. I had a lawyer look over the contract.
NC: Oh, good. There's so many things going around.
Rob: (breaking down) Just know that even though I've been through a lot, and you may never look at me the same way again, I'm still the same man I was before!
NC: Wait a minute. Are you playing your own sad music to manipulate me?
(The camera pulls back to reveal that while talking, Rob was playing the music on a guitar, and was on a computer which has a page open saying, "How to manipulate people")
Rob: Gotta go.
(He drops the phone. Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So they're afraid the security cameras might spot them, but it's okay, because they put a video of a squirrel jet-skiing on! (The security camera footage is replaced with a video of a squirrel jet-skiing, causing the man watching the camera to laugh) And it actually works!
Guard: Nolan, Robinson, check this out. It's a squirrel.
NC: What are we doing? Not in the film or the story, just...what are we doing as a species?
NC (vo): What kind of mental illness was going on through the writer's mind? The only way this would be okay is if the writer was like...
(NC is shown typing on a computer, with his face covered in a Photoshopped image of Dug from Up and imitating him)
NC: (As Dug) And then they had to figure out how to get inside, so they used a...squirrel! (Looks to the side, before continuing to type) Anyway...
NC (vo): But it's okay, because they just walk past the guards with no problem anyway. (Jerrica, disguised as Jem, is shown attempting to leave the building and the guards allowing her to go) So this entire break-in was all pointless!
Guard: My daughter would kill me if I didn't get an autograph. She says it's the new "Let it Go".
Guard: Yeah. It's her words.
Jem: From Frozen?
NC: One of the many lies this movie's been telling you.
NC (vo): They put the final piece in Synergy and... (Synergy reveals a hologram of Jerrica's father) Yeah, you sure your dad didn't return to his home planet?
Father: When I saw how little time I had left, I knew I needed to leave you something.
NC (vo; as the father): Not instructions on how to patent the artificial life I created, but rather a scavenger hunt that, hopefully, you have way too much time on your hands to complete.
Father: To try to teach you the lessons that I most wanted to pass on.
NC: (As the father) Lessons on how to find random shit and sort out simple clues. (Normal) Seriously, an episode of Scooby-Doo could've done that!
Father: I wish I could be there with you, and in my heart, you'll always be my Jem. I love you, Jerrica.
Jerrica: (In tears) I love you, too, Dad.
NC (vo; as the father): Oh, and tell your sister she's cool, too, I guess. (Normal) Yeah, kind of screwing Kimber over out on all of this, isn't he?
NC: This isn't just playing favorites, this is playing together a league of "Screw you"!
NC (vo): Thankfully, Kimber wasn't in the room when he completely forgets her existence and Jem wraps up her quote/unquote "confession".
(Jem is shown filming a confession video)
Jem: I promised to you the truth and a confession of who I really am.
NC: Yeah, I was shocked this girl rock star was a girl rock star...wait, what am I supposed to learn?
NC (vo): So this two-hour confession that, apparently her bandmates were just listening quietly to the whole time, gets deleted and is never shown to a solitary soul. Not that I don't wish everything in this film could be erased, but WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL THAT?! Instead, she goes onstage to pretty much just say the exact same thing, except shorter and dressed like (image of...) Data from First Contact.
(Jem is onstage, revealing everything)
Jem: Jem is anybody who has something that they want to express, and they need the courage to let themselves be heard.
NC: Yeah, share that message about being yourself...in a film that clearly has nothing to do with Jem!
NC (vo): On top of that, Rio discovers his father's will...yeah, guess he died of that fatal "just-be-dead-tosis" as Jem's dad...and it turns out he left him the company. So Erica is out.
Guard: Remove Miss Raymond from the concert immediately.
(Two guards grab Erica and take her away)
NC: That'll teach ya for making us famous, bitch!
NC (vo): So, what's the first thing he's gonna do now that the girls have agreed to make decisions together and be equal? Totally rename the band without consulting them.
Woman: What would they like to call the band?
Rio: How about "Jem and the Holograms"?
NC: I think it matches their flaky, see-through, almost invisible personalities.
(We see Erica encounter another girl band)
NC (vo): But after the movie's credits, Erica plots her revenge and goes to a band called the Misfits. (An image of a Misfits album cover is briefly shown) You wish. No, this is the rival band that always hated Jem, one of the few things they spontaneously out of nowhere wanted to make very similar to the cartoon.
Erica: Destroy Jem!
Pizzazz: Our songs are better. We're gonna get her.
(The Jem Fan Rage goes up another notch. Erica and the girls go into a bus labeled "The Misfits")
NC: Yeah. why don't you go ahead and join (images of...) Azula in Last Airbender 2? I'm sure you'll have plenty of time to talk about things.
NC (vo): But even then, there's one more thing to talk about.
NC: I wanted it saved until the end, because it's a pretty big deal.
NC (vo): You're probably wondering, outside of giving us an insultingly weak story and characters, explaining how to not be a corporate sellout while being one of the biggest corporate sellouts of all time, and having virtually nothing to do with the show whatsoever, how can they possibly insult the fans even further?
NC: Well, you see, the makers of this movie actually offered the fans a chance to be in the movie.
(Footage of a video showing the makers of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): All they had to do is film themselves saying how much they love Jem the cartoon.
Jon M. Chu: Tell us what you love about Jem. You can even post pictures of you dressed up as her. Whatever it is, we want to see and hear your passion to the original Jem.
NC (vo): A good idea, get the buzz going, maybe play it in the end credits or something.
NC: But that's not what they do. They take the footage of the fans saying how much they love the cartoon, and they edit it to look like they're talking about the Jem from the movie...
NC (vo): ...a movie nobody had seen by that point and has little to do with the show they love. But now, it looks like they're praising the hell out of it.
(Footage of the fans' videos are shown)
Fan #1: I struggled with...my ideas of beauty.
Fan #2: She stands out in a very humble way.
Fan #3: Jem inspired me.
Fan #4: I just want to say thank you for that.
(Now we cut to the live-action Jem and the Holograms performing in concert)
NC (vo): Wow. That is low.
NC: Oh, you like the cartoon? (Footage of the fan videos) You think she's truly outrageous? Well, this is what you were talking about the whole time! (Shows footage from the movie) Yeah, yeah! This is Jem! You said it!
Fan #4: She basically taught me that it's okay to be who you are and not to be afraid.
Fan #5: I'm not invisible, that I have a voice.
NC: Oh, you felt a strong, emotional bond? Well, that's not the cartoon! It's this Jem! (Shows movie footage) This is the Jem you felt a strong, emotional bond for! This is like asking people to make videos saying why they love (poster of...) Star Wars, and then suddenly editing it to make it look like you're talking about (poster of...) The Phantom Menace!
NC (vo): It's not just cruel, it's a slap in the friggin' face!
NC: What makes it even funnier is how lazy it is. (We see more fan videos, giving us more clues as to what the fans were talking about) Not only do they have the text of the cartoon all over their stuff, not only are they dressed up like the cartoon characters and not the movie, BUT YOU CAN SEE THE CARTOON PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND!
(One fan video is shown, showing a fan dancing to the cartoon playing on the TV behind him)
NC (vo): Yeah! They just left that in! It's so clear what they're talking about! How amazingly lazy can you get?!
(The Jem Fan rage finally reaches its full power, causing the fan to scream in rage and explode)
NC: People, as someone that didn’t watch Jem growing up and only kind of saw it once in a while and passing, even I can say...this movie’s an insult.
(Footage of the movie is shown as NC goes to closing thoughts)
NC (vo): It goes out of its way to piss you off in every conceivable fashion. It doesn’t work as a standalone film, it doesn’t work as an adaptation, the choices make no sense, and it does everything in its power to make sure the fans will hate it. Look, I’m not gonna act like I enjoyed this stupid cartoon. We all had our shows that only existed to sell toys. (Images of He-Man, G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Pokemon are shown) I had mine, you had yours, and that’s fine. But there’s a definite audience that grew up with this, and while I know there has to be changes when adapting a show to film, there is absolutely no respect and no love for any of the people that grew up with it.
NC (vo): While I admit it is kind of funny just what a reckless sellout it is, it does cross a sort of line when it’s taking fans of the show and manipulating their footage to represent something that they know they’re gonna hate. It not only feels forced and stupid, it just feels…wrong.
NC: (To the Analysts, who have just come in) And I can see now why you're trying to make my movie look like Jem the cartoon! It's to win back all the fans that you lost!
Analyst 1: Shut your non-studio-sanctioned mouth, Critic!
Analyst 2: Yes. We've destroyed much bigger franchises than yours.
NC: Oh, yeah? Who are you gonna get to replace me?
(We again see a parody of the Jem theme, this time with Tamara playing Jem)
NC and background singers (vo; singing): Tam! Tam's excitement
She's flashy and things like that
(Tamara stops dancing)
Tamara: Hey, guys, this wig kind of itches.
(We then suddenly see another take, this time with Malcolm playing Jem)
NC and background singers (vo; singing): Malc! Malc's excitement
He's flashy and things like that
(NC and Tamara are watching this on their TV. NC has his palms on his face)
NC: Did we learn anything at all?
Tamara: I hope not.
(The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Guard: Nolan, Robinson, check this out. It's a squirrel.