January 12, 2010
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. And seeing how are still in the middle of Schwarzenegger Month…
(The opening of “Schwarzenegger Month” with the “Put That Cookie Down” remix playing in the background is shown briefly)
NC: (rubs his temples, speaking to himself) God, I’m gonna have to put up with that all month, aren’t I? (speaks normally to the camera) ...I’ve decided that I want to show you how a Schwarzenegger movie is made.
(NC rolls his chair back and plays out a hypothetical discussion involving someone pitching a movie idea to a studio executive)
NC Writer: (sits camera left) Hey, studio executive! I have an idea for a movie!
NC Executive: (sits camera right, holding a cigar) A movie or a poster?
NC Writer: Well, a poster, of course!
NC Executive: Go on.
NC Writer: I see Arnold Schwarzenegger with…children!
NC Executive: We’ve seen that.
NC Writer: A baby!
NC Executive: That’s old.
NC Writer: He’s pregnant!
NC Executive: Go on.
NC Writer: And on the poster he’s got, like, this huge belly and everything, then he’s just like, “Whaa?! I’m pregnant! THAT doesn’t happen!”
NC Executive: That is true, that, that doesn’t happen.
NC Writer: And on the poster we’ll have that short guy from “Twins” and everyone will be, like, “Hey, look! It’s that guy from ‘Twins’! And Arnold was in ‘Twins’! This must be ‘Twins’!”
NC Executive: But it’s not “Twins.”
NC Writer: It’s not “Twins”!
NC Executive: Unless Arnold gives birth to twins.
NC Writer: I didn’t even think of that!
NC Executive: You got some British chick in it?
NC Writer: Well, yeah, we’ve gotta class it up somehow. A British woman usually works.
NC Executive: Just put in Helena Bonham Carter like we always do.
NC Writer: She’s not around yet.
NC Executive: Well, who is?
NC Writer: Emma Thompson?
NC Executive: Green-light it.
NC: (now finally turns back to the camera) “Junior”!
(The title screen for the movie plays, followed by a montage of clips from the movie as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): This is another one of those Arnold movies that sounds more like a satire than an actual film. It doesn’t even sound real! But it is. So sadly, it is. Arnold gets pregnant, and “hilarity” ensues. Oh, the hijinks! Oh, the hijinks.
NC: So get your epidurals ready, because we’re gonna jump right into “Junior.”
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So it starts off with Arnold in the library.
NC: I’m sorry, I-I gotta steal a joke here. Hold on. (He lifts up a clip from "UHF" from below him)
Announcer: Conan the Librarian!
NC: (shoves the screenshot back below the screen) Sorry about that. Alright, back to the show.
NC (voiceover): We see that Arnold comes across a baby in the middle of the library.
Dr. Alex Hesse (Schwarzenegger): (calls out) Hello! There’s a baby. (He picks up the baby, and the baby starts urinating before it starts crying; Hesse groans in disgust at this and starts walking around with the baby still in hands as we hear enchanting music in the background) Help!
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, the enchanting pissing pants music. That’s always nice to listen to.
(Cut to Hesse finding many babies sitting in the library’s armchairs and crying; cut next to Hesse waking up from his sleep in bed)
NC (voiceover): (sighs) I miss the explosions. All right, so it turns out that Arnold is a brilliant scientist…
NC: (holds his head in disbelief and snickers to himself once) Sorry.
NC (voiceover): …who’s trying to find a way to get barren women pregnant.
Hesse: The body mistakenly identifies the embryo…
NC (voiceover): No, no, no, sorry, Arnold. That-that’s really not working.
Hesse: (to another scientist) Get this a new blood and urine sample.
NC (voiceover): No, no, I know you’re trying, but you just can’t pull off body-building scientist and take it seriously. (Cut to footage of “Batman and Robin”) Unless your wife was frozen and got some sort of freeze disease and forces you into… (A clip of Mr. Freeze in “Batman and Robin” conducting an Eskimo orchestra is shown) …actually, that didn’t work, either. Don't play scientists!
Hesse: (speaking to a review board) I found conclusively that in every instance, the side effects observed were consistent with the behavioral and metabolic changes in subjects with normal un-medicated pregnancies.
NC: So, in other words…
Detective John Kimble (from “Kindergarten Cop”): It’s not a tumor!
NC: That’s what I thought.
NC (voiceover): Danny Devito is a doctor trying to help Arnold in his research, and they think they found a drug that actually works. Unfortunately, they don’t get permission to move forward by testing it on women. So Arnold plays by his own rules, breaks into the laboratory, and…locks the door. Oh, come on, that’s not the “Commando” way! (Cut briefly to a clip from “Commando” of John Matrix breaking into a surplus store with a bulldozer) You would’ve used a bulldozer to break into that place! Why? No reason. It’s just awesome! So the head of the review board—played by Frank Langella—wants to know what’s going on.
Dr. Noah Banes: (to Dr. Larry Arbogast) Good news and bad news, I’m afraid. FDA decision. Wicked bad news.
Dr. Larry Arbogast (Devito): They turned us down?
Noah Banes: I’m afraid so.
Larry Arbogast: So what’s the good news?
NC (voiceover): (as Bane) I’m trying out for the new Christopher Lee.
Noah Banes: I landed Dr. Diana Reddin and her ovum cryogenics project.
NC (voiceover): And this is where Emma Thompson comes in. She’s klutzy, it’s funny. HA!
Dr. Diana Reddin (Thompson): (examines her incubator that she collided with Hesse on earlier) They’re alright.
Larry Arbogast: Frozen eggs, huh?
Diana Reddin: Yes.
NC (voiceover): (as Reddin) I hope one day to open my own amusement park of dinosaurs.
(Cut to Hesse and Arbogast walking through an airport together)
Alex Hesse: What woman is going to take an unapproved drug while she’s pregnant?
Larry Arbogast: Who says we need a woman? The experiment wouldn’t have to identify the subject’s sex.
Alex Hesse: You mean to do the test on a man?
Larry Arbogast: Why not?
NC: That’s a very valid question. “Why not?” Oh, wait, maybe it’s because of these.
(A whole list of reasons appear briefly, covering the entire screen. The following text is shown: “It’s morally insane. Men don’t have vaginas. Men don’t have uteruses. You’d be playing Genetic Monopoly. No man would volunteer unless doing it for a movie role. There’d be a lot more complaining. Abortions would skyrocket. EVERY child would be left behind. Men would never take care of themselves properly. A man could get pregnant just by jerking off (I think). Jesus would cry. God knows what kind of mutations would arise. This would probably be some form of incest. Every man would have his tubes tied. If a baby kicks, the man would probably kick back. No man is going through friggin C-section. Men are horrible at throwing baby showers. No man could resist alcohol during pregnancy. In fact, they’d probably drink more. No man is wearing a mumu. We’d just look silly. Our solution to losing the baby weight would be “Losing the baby.” No man would ever have sex again if they knew a baby would come out of it—excuse me—out of THEM! Men have no practice. Men have no patience. Men have no…just, fuck it, we’re not doing it!”)
(Cut to Alex Hesse sitting in his seat on a plane and Larry Arbogast standing next to him)
Larry Arbogast: I guess I was wrong about you, Hesse. I took you for a scientist.
Alex Hesse: I am a scientist.
Larry Arbogast: Yeah? Well, where’s your vision?
NC: Where’s your power-hungry need to play God?
NC (voiceover): So Devito finally convinces him to get off the plane and get himself pregnant. (Pauses) That-that’s no small feat. But Devito still needs an egg to implant into Arnold. And a vagina. AND A FUCKING UTERUS! OK, I digress.
(Arbogast picks up a test tube from Reddin’s incubator; it’s labeled “Junior”)
Larry Arbogast: “Junior.”
Henry Jones, Sr. (from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”): It is you, Junior!
NC (voiceover): So they implant Arnold’s seed into…Arnold, as he wakes up and finds a very pleasant image.
(An attractive nurse walks into the hospital room with a baby in her arms)
Yakko (from “Animaniacs”): Hello, Nurse!
NC: And hey, look, she has a baby!
Yakko (from “Animaniacs”): Goodbye, Nurse!
(Alex Hesse holds the baby in his hands, and we cut to the baby having the CGI face of Arnold)
(NC screams in fright at the sight of the baby)
(NC continues screaming)
(NC continues to scream, then gets up to run to the bathroom and shut the door while still screaming. We hear him sobbing, then vomiting in the toilet a few times; after a few dry heaves, NC leaves the bathroom and heads back to his seat, coughing a bit)
NC: So—(whispers to himself) Oh, God. (He holds his face with both hands and sobs a bit before putting himself together and calmly speaks softly to the camera) Continue.
(NC looks scared; Cut to the outside of his room as a male nurse (played by Bhargav, aka “Ma-Ti”) standing at the door and the doctor (played by That Other Guy) comes out)
Doctor: In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like it: 20 straight hours of marathon projectile vomiting.
Nurse: Geez. So what do you recommend, Doc?
Doctor: Well, certainly no more watching of “Junior.” That much is certain.
Nurse: Well, he does need to finish the review.
Doctor: Well, then, certainly no more watching of that scene. (He sighs) By the way, did you turn the TV off?
Nurse: No, I thought you did.
Baby (from “Junior”): (audio only) Mama?
(We hear NC vomiting violently)
Doctor: Your turn to clean it up.
(The doctor leaves the scene, and the nurse enters the room; cut back to the movie where Hesse wakes up, indicating that the scene was all a dream)
NC (voiceover): Alright, back to the review. So even though they’re not working in the lab anymore, Arnold and Devito…still hang around for some reason, and watch Emma Thompson at work.
Alex Hesse: (whispers to Arbogast) My nipples are very sensitive.
Larry Arbogast: What? Tingling like sore, or like itchy?
Young Male Scientist: You surf?
Alex Hesse: Huh?
Young Male Scientist: Surf. ‘Cause I got that a lot from paddling that. It’s something about the wax in the salt water. It irritates them.
Young Female Scientist: (listens in) You get what?
Young Male Scientist: (to the Female Scientist) His nipples are tingling.
Alex Hesse: I don’t surf.
Young Female Scientist: It could be your laundry detergent. I used to get that when I used a non-biodegradable soap.
NC (voiceover): Uhm, I’m sorry, but, uh…where are the jokes? I mean, is there anything funny being said right now? I-I don’t know. Let’s cut to the next scene.
(Cut to a formal party)
Larry Arbogast: (approaches Hesse) Where have you been?
Alex Hesse: (collecting bits of food on his plate at a banquet table) Oh, I had so much fun. I had a walk, there was a wonderful massage at a health club, I had a great time. Then I took a nap right on the table. (He sees a platter on the table) Franks in blankets? (He starts taking a few franks in blankets) Oh, these are my favorites.
NC (voiceover): This isn’t funny, either. OK, let’s try another scene!
(Cut to Hesse and Reddin walking together outdoors)
Diana Reddin: You should try being a woman sometime. It-It’s a nightmare. Your body goes peculiar with your first period, and it doesn’t stop until menopause. It’s a lifetime of leaking and swelling and spotting and smears…
NC (voiceover) EEEWWW! That’s just unpleasant! Come on, guys, make us laugh!
(Cut to Hesse, Arbogast and Reddin walking together)
Larry Arbogast: There is a tragic disease. It’s, uh, relentless, uh, kind of…
Alex Hesse: (sees two fat people walking close by) Fatness.
Larry Arbogast: Fatness.
Diana Reddin: Fatness?
Larry Arbogast: Uh, yes, striking young men in their prime. Uh, turning them into big, uh, wheezing, uh…
Alex Hesse: Strudelhunds.
Larry Arbogast: Strudelhunds.
Diana Reddin: Strudlehunds?
Larry Arbogast: Strudelhunds. Yeah.
NC (Voiceover): PUNCHLINES! USE PUNCHLINES!
(Cut to another scene)
Larry Arbogast: We should go.
Alex Hesse: Going, going, always going. And one day, gone.
Diana Reddin: Just like that.
NC (voiceover): It’s just conversations! Really unfunny conversations!
NC: Seriously, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! I don’t expect it to be great, but I expected it to be a little funny.
NC (voiceover): OK, alright, here’s a scene with Devito’s ex-wife, who happens to be pregnant but won’t tell who the father is. However, she wants Devito to be the doctor. Alright, this is good. Plenty of set-ups for good jokes here.
Larry Arbogast: So what do you want?
Angela (Arbogast’s Ex-Wife): (sighs) I don’t like Snellar.
Larry Arbogast: Angela, we’ve been over this. Ned Snellar’s a top-top guy.
Angela: He’s creepy, Larry. I’m not goin’ back to him.
Larry Arbogast: You’re being ridiculous.
Angela: No, I’m not.
NC (voiceover): OK, this is like a game show. In fact, it’s practically an adventure! The adventure of finding the joke!
Dora the Explorer (dubbed by NC): Hola! I’m Dora, and we’re trying to find the joke in “Junior.” Let’s see if you can spot one. Are you ready? Go!
Larry Arbogast: I’m a little shocked here!
Angela: Well, I think you’re gonna have to deal with it.
Larry Arbogast: I don’t have to deal with it, because we’re divorced, remember?
Angela: It’s not like I’m asking you to fix my car.
Dora the Explorer (dubbed by NC): (long beat) Nothing yet.
Larry Arbogast: Angela, this is my house now.
Angela: Larry, you may live here, but this will always be my house. Floral, Houndstooth, then paisley.
Dora the Explorer (dubbed by NC): (long beat) That’s not the least bit funny.
Larry Arbogast: Where's the goddamn father?
Angela: I haven’t been able to reach him.
Larry Arbogast: What, he disappeared?
Angela: They’re touring.
Larry Arbogast: Who is?
Angela: (pauses) Aerosmith.
(The caption “Joke!” appears with a repeated dinging sound)
Dora the Explorer (dubbed by NC): (audio) Yay! You found the funny joke! You did it! You did it! (Cut to her) Join us next time, which, knowing this film’s poor pacing, will be very shortly. Bye!
NC (voiceover): So Arnold goes and wonders what it would be like to be a papa.
(Cut to Hesse looking at himself in a mirror and studying his stomach in different positions with his shirt lifted up)
NC (voiceover): (as Hesse) Hmmm. Actor Schwarzenegger, Governor Schwarzenegger.
NC (voiceover): So I guess Arnold goes through some emotions, like crying at emotional commercials and being a little needy, but…that’s the key word here. “Little.” Everything is downplayed, which is usually a good move. But here, just the fact that Arnold’s pregnant and not a woman isn’t really funny. It’s just boring! They’re treating it like a real pregnancy, which is boring! Watching a person, male or female, being pregnant isn’t funny! It’s boring! You need humor! This is boring! Arnold saying he’s fat once in a while doesn’t cut it! (Pauses) It’s boring! Either give him a gun or throw in some jokes, ‘cause I’m getting really tired of this! (Cut to Hesse and Angela eating at a dinner table with lots of plates full of food all over) Oh, look, they’re overeating, because…pregnant women do that and, therefore, this is funny, I suppose.
Angela: Anybody ever tell you that you eat like a pregnant woman?
Alex Hesse: (pauses to think of an answer) I just like mixing cuisines.
NC: (is speechless) I’m sorry, but I might be losing my touch! I mean, this is just so boring! I have nothing to work with!
NC (voiceover): And it doesn’t seem possible! It doesn’t seem humanly possible! It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! Something has to be funny about this! What are you doing wrong, Ivan Reitman?! What are you doing wrong?!
(Cut to Hesse and Arbogast at a store with Hesse trying on larger pants)
Alex Hesse: I hate my body.
Salesman: Lookin’ prosperous there.
Alex Hesse: (sighs before speaking to the salesman) The pants are loose around the waist.
Salesman: I can take them in.
NC: (points to the camera) Boring! Boring!
NC (voiceover): Boring! Boring!
NC: (rests his head on his right fist) Boring. Boring.
NC (voiceover): (starts to sound sleepy) Boring. Boring.
NC: (yawns) Boring. Boring.
NC (voiceover): Boring. Boring.
NC: Boring. Boring. (falls asleep)
(We now segue to a psychedelic music video with trippy animation; NC looks up in surprise and gazes at everything around him; he sees a rock group with three musicians that have the heads of Arnold Schwarzenegger; NC seems to start flying over some clouds before we cut to more trippy animation)
NC: (sings in a high-pitch with accompanying text and images)
I’m so bored… So very, very bored!!! I’d rather watch a bunch of cupcakes sing a merry song and then go surfing on a door! It’s so DULL, there’s nothing to say…
I’d rather… sugarcoat a Leprechaun, feed him to a dog and then go play some croquet. Where did the funny go? How can this be?
Did vampires suck out the humor? Maybe it could’ve worked If they had used Miss Tur Tee!
Musicians: (sing) Boring!
NC: (still speaks in high pitch) It’s just not that interesting!
Musicians: (sings) Boring!
NC: Where did it go wrong?
Musicians: (sings) Boring!
NC: I’m not even doing the review now. I’m just (sings) Singing this pointless song.
Musicians: (sings with accompanying text)
You’re not missing that much! Nothing happens! He acts a little femmy And they just talk some more Without any jokes put in! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Bor-or-or-ing!
Judge (played by Bhargav): Order! (He bangs his gavel a few times) Order! Order, I say! Nostalgia Critic, for your crimes against humanity, I sentence you to (bangs his gavel once) watching the rest of this movie!
NC: (speaks in a high pitch) But it’s just so boring! And besides, watching this dream sequence is much more interesting than watching that movie.
Judge: No, Critic, no. For if you do not watch the rest of this film, you will have to watch THIS!
Baby (with Arnold’s face): MAMA!!!
NC: (shrieks) NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(The Judge laughs evilly as NC is being pulled away from the camera and flinging his arms at it)
NC: (shrieks as he is running to the camera in place) NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(The Judge cackles and bangs his gavel once)
NC: (continues shrieking and reaching for the camera as the musicians continue playing behind him) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Judge: Fool! (laughs)
(NC moves about in place while flapping his arms before we segue back to NC waking up at his desk)
NC: Ohhhh, God! (He rubs his temples) I’m so sorry, I…I guess I actually preferred watching my dreams as opposed to watching this boring, boring movie! (sighs) Alright, p-play the thing.
(The Big-Lipped Alligator Moment logo appears below NC)
Announcer: The Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!
NC: Yeah, yeah, what did we miss?
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): (sounds bored) Alright, it actually turns out the egg is Emma Thompson’s egg, Frank Langella wants credit—even though he didn’t do anything, ooooh—and so Arnold runs away and flees to some sort of retreat for pregnant women, and…and it’s so incredibly boring. Isn’t there anything you can throw at us, movie?
(Cut to Arbogast and Hesse (dressed as a woman) greeting the receptionist at the front desk)
Larry Arbogast: Hi.
Receptionist: You must be Mr. and Mrs. Hesse?
Larry Arbogast: (nods once) Yes.
NC: (looks up from his boredom and sees a golden opportunity) Yes. Yes! Th-This is the return to the bullshit I was waiting for!
NC (voiceover): Oh, wait, does he talk like a woman, too?
Alex Hesse: (speaks in a more feminine voice) When I was a sportswoman in the East German…
NC: YES! WONDERFUL! Oh, do we have some lame one-liners as well?
Alex Hesse (as a male, earlier in the film): My body, my choice.
NC: (is overjoyed) YES!! YES! This is the Arnold I know and love! Though, granted, I don’t know how well that one-liner would have worked in other movies. (Cut to a clip from “Commando” in which John Matrix holds a man over a cliff and the “My body, my choice” line is dubbed over his one-liner) I don’t know, but who cares! It’s bullshit! We’re back to bullshit! Thank you! Thank you for coming home!
NC (voiceover): Whew! OK, so Mrs.….Not A Man checks herself in and explains her condition.
Alex Hesse: (speaks feminine) It dispensed anabolic steroids freely, as here in America, they dole out Gatorade.
Larry Arbogast: They pushed it on them.
NC: Do steroids also give you an Adam ’s apple? S-Somebody should question that.
NC (voiceover): So, just when you think a pregnant 8-foot Austrian man in a dress could possibly NOT be funny, what do they do?
Background Pop Singer: So much my heart just does not…
NC (voiceover): They play a pop song. Yes, folks, this is supposed to be taken seriously. (pauses) I’m…I’m just disturbed now. I am disturbed for everyone involved in this movie. I mean, I have no idea what they’re trying to get across. Why is this being taken so seriously? And, if you’re gonna treat it seriously, why Arnold? (beat) In a dress? Talking like a wo—THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!
NC: You know what? Fuck it. Just fuck it! I’m gonna go back to sleep.
(NC goes back to sleep before we cut to the Arnold-faced Baby again)
NC: (wakes up, shuddering in fear) No, I’m not!
NC (voiceover): OK, but what I am gonna do is wrap this up. Arnold finally goes into labor as does Devito’s ex-wife, he gives birth through…squeezing it out his penis, I have no idea…and he becomes the happiest papa-mama who ever lived. Devito’s ex-wife gives birth, and he gets her back because he got her on the pregnant rebound.
Larry Arbogast: (to Angela) Can we give it another chance?
NC (voiceover): And they all lived happily fucking ever after.
NC: (sighs in exhaustion) Thank God! (beat) Can you guess the secret word for the day is? (beat) Boring!
(NC yells as the caption “Boring!” appears below him and we intercut with a clip from “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” with Pee-Wee Herman and the other objects in the playhouse yelling; cut to clips of the movie playing as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean, it’s bad when I’m actually praying for it to be insensitive and insulting! At least maybe we can get some form of humor across! I mean, OK, I guess the actors are alright, and Arnold doesn’t come across actually as that bad in this, but that’s part of the problem! We want him to be bad in this! Of all the movies we want him to be over-the-top and goofy in, this is the one! It’s almost like the movie was written for a real pregnant woman, and then at the last minute, they decided to throw Arnold in! (Beat) Weird casting change, but there it is! Do you wanna know the ironic thing is? Director Ivan Reitman’s son would go on to direct a really good pregnant comedy called “Juno”! (The movie poster for “Juno” appears briefly)
NC: I guess he’s trying to make up for the sins of the father. I mean, if Ivan Reitman was directing “Juno,” how do you think that would turn out? (Beat) He’d probably put Arnold in there! Yeah. Arnold Schwarzenegger as a pregnant teenage girl. They’d probably do it totally serious. Can you imagine how that would look? (He looks away off-screen to imagine such an image, but nothing happens) No picture? You don’t have a picture? Well, show them something! I set up a joke, for crying out loud.
Arnold Baby: MAMA!!!
(NC screams before we cut to the male nurse standing outside a door and NC vomiting violently from behind it)