June 23, 2015
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And, yes, you read that correctly, we are reviewing Jurassic World. But you might be wondering: How the hell can we do that if it's still in theatres? Well, this ought to explain it.
(The NC snaps his fingers and an old film reel titled, "The Review Must Go On, Dammit!" plays. We cut to That Guy With The Glasses from "Explaining 5 Second Movies", sniffing glue in the kitchen before he notices the audience.)
TGWTG: Oh, hello. I bet you're wondering why we're reviewing this movie now instead of waiting for it to come to DVD. Well, the answer is quite simple. You see, Hollywood now sees us as a threat.
TGWTG (vo): (Title cards for the NC reviews of: Top 11 Best Avatars, The Purge, Son of the Mask and Blues Brothers 2000. All of them are listed as GONE.) Taking down several of our videos on YouTube because they forgot reviews are part of fair use. (Title cards for Mamma Mia, Monster Squad appear as examples of videos being put back, followed by the title card for The Cat in the Hat, which is listed as GONE.) Some of these videos have been put back, but others are just seen as too dangerous for your fragile minds to handle. (Title cards for the Jurassic Park Movies appear.) Thus, every single time we've done a Jurassic Park movie, even if we end up praising it...
TGWTG: ...Hollywood has always taken it down.
(Mr. Puppy, voiced by Rob Walker, pops up on the counter next to him)
Mr. Puppy: But, Mr. Glasses! I have a question!
TGWTG: Why, if it isn't my good friend, Mr. Puppy the puppy. What's on your mind, Mr. Puppy?
Mr. Puppy: Hasn't Hollywood realized that by doing this, they look incredibly desperate and unprofessional?! I mean, even your reviews of (Poster for The Room) bad movies have led to higher sales due to your exposure!
TGWTG: Hoho, Mr. Puppy, Hollywood has more important things to worry about than that.
Mr. Puppy: Well, what's more important than freedom of speech being threatened by insecure goons?!
TGWTG: Complaining how their (Poster for The Interview) freedom of speech is being threatened by a bunch of insecure goons!
Mr. Puppy: You're kidding, right?
TGWTG: But, as we said before, the review must go on.
Mr. Puppy: I mean, do they know the meaning of irony?
TGWTG: So, rather than do a review just to have it taken down anyway...
Mr. Puppy: They do remember SOPA Napster, right?
TGWTG: ...we're going to reenact scenes from the movie to give you a better idea of what we're talking about.
Mr. Puppy: But, Mr. Glasses! The clips allow people to judge the film for themselves! Won't your reenactments leave an emotional, even bitter mark on the material being reviewed?
TGWTG: (Turns to the camera with a creepy smile) NONE! None whatsoever!
Mr. Puppy: Gee. I guess the only thing we can do now is wait for Hollywood to finally grow up.
TGWTG: I'm not holding my breath. So enjoy our incredibly unbiased review of Jurassic World.
Mr. Puppy: You know, your accent sounds a lot like Cary Elwes with a dump truck shoved up his nose!
(TGWTG knocks Mr. Puppy out with a broomstick. A puppeteer's hand is shown briefly)
That Guy With The Glasses: Enjoy!
NC: You heard the man. Reviewing the Jurassic Park movies has been a big tradition around here and we're not gonna let Hollywood stop it. So rather than wait for it to come out on DVD, we're just gonna jump right into it. This is our take on Jurassic World.
NC (vo): The movie opens up with our main star of the film. Not Chris Pratt as Owen (played by Malcolm Ray), not Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire (played by Tamara Chambers), not even really the dinosaurs.
NC: No. The star of the movie is the park.
NC (vo): The amount of detail they put into this place is incredible. We finally see it open. It's like Disney World, only less people probably die.
NC: It's phenomenal! So, I know what you're thinking: If the park looks this good so many years after the original, imagine what the goddamn dinosaurs must look like!
NC (vo): It's been 22 years since the first film's groundbreaking effects, so how the hell are they gonna look no-
NC: They suck. Like, wow, do they suck!
NC (vo): It's some of the worst CG the movies have ever cranked out! They look like cardboard cutouts! No, wait, even that would have some three-dimensional qualities to them. They look like mist, like a cloud of fog in the shape of a dinosaur. There's a scene where a kid is looking at dinosaurs through a Viewfinder which...by the way, you're thirteen. What the fuck are you doing looking through a viewfinder? ...and even they look more three-dimensional than the ones in the movie!
NC: And you wanna know why? Cause it was really there! It was really fucking there! I mean, okay, they're little models and they don't look very convincing, but I feel like I can touch them! I don't feel like I can touch any of these dinosaurs! I don't wanna touch dinosaurs...but never the less-
(insert picture of Nostalgia Critic fondling dinosaurs)
NC (vo): Oh, shut up! I wanna be able to feel like I could pet a dinosaur! That's the wonder of Jurassic Park!
NC: And here's the thing, I'm actually not Anti-CGI!
NC (vo): I mean, Ex-Machina, she looked like a real robot. Madagascar totally made me believe that David Schwimmer could act!
NC: But with the other Jurassic Park movies, they use animatronics and CGI. This fools the eye, it makes it more of a grand illusion. We've gotten too used to CGI, so when we see it, we know it's CGI and we know it's not there. But here's the other weird thing, they said they used animatronics in this movie.
NC (vo): But, outside of a scene where Littlefoot's Mother dies, they all look so flat and unconvincing. How can this be if they used animatronics? In my opinion...
NC: ...they CG'd over the animatronics.
NC (vo): They look at the animatronics of, say, the raptors in the muzzled cages and say, "You know what? I want the eyes to blink a little different or the mouth to move a little more. Let's paint CG all over that shit, and now, there's a veil of fake (Yoshi) all over what used to be believable."
NC: But I know what you're thinking, who cares? I mean, really, in the grand scheme of things, who cares? We want to see cool dinosaurs do cool dinosaur things. Even if they look kind of fake, we want them to do cool things, right? Well, I'm gonna take that argument and store it away in here (Zelda compartment) for later, because trust me, that will come back later in a bit of time. But let's actually get to the story.
NC (vo): Now that the park has been open for a while, people, it seems, have gotten too used to dinosaurs.
Tamara: Oh, my God. This black chick who's a white chick is a white chick.
Jim Jarosz: I found someone rude on the internet!
Tamara: Oh, my God!
NC (vo): That's right, they've actually gotten bored with them. The CEO of the park named Simon (Malcolm) and the manager of the park named Claire try to figure out how to fix this.
Simon: We need to up the sales. I need you to make me a dinosaur so bad-ass that if it escaped, we couldn't possibly stop it.
NC: OK, now we're talking. We've seen raptors and stegosauruses before. This is creating a brand-new dinosaur specifically to look awesome. They don't have to follow any rules. It's not like they did before anyway. I mean (insert picture of), the Dilophosaurus... (insert picture of said dinosaur from Jurassic Park) Yeah, you nailed that. But they're using science to create whatever the hell they want! By God, imagine what you could do with this!
NC (vo): The body of a T-Rex, the wings of a pterodactyl, the neck of a brontosaurus, the head of a triceratops, lions for hands, and hey, just to sell more tickets, give it bazooka boobs!
NC: C'mon, we're clearly in bullshit science here, we can do whatever we want!
NC (vo): Okay, I know they're not going to make something quite like that, but it's gonna look amazing. And they've been building it up in this movie for quite a bit. (cut to security guard, played by Doug Walker) So after tricking the security guard like an 80's prison movie; no, really, he's got the sandwich (actually, the guard is holding a hot dog) and everything; what does this monstrous, terrifying abomination of science look like? (Dinosaur Rob is shown) A big raptor.
Indominus Rex (Rob): I'm a new dinosaur.
NC: Yep, it's about as unimpressive as you can imagine. You know that Photoshop tool you can use to make things bigger? That's pretty much all they used, except they gave him a few more bumps on the back and made him a little paler. (beat) Oooh!
NC (vo): Even the made-up name is a bore.
Claire: We're calling him Indominus Rex because it's easier to pronounce.
NC: You know what's even easier to pronounce? Coke 2. And that's all I'm calling him. I'm calling him the Coke 2-asaurus.
NC (vo): Hey, they openly admit it's trying to be something bigger and badder than the T-Rex, but it looks so boring and fake, it can't measure up. But actually, to Coke 2's credit, it can do some cool things, like camouflage, lower his body heat, which, of course, the scientists have no fucking idea about.
Guard: Oh, my God! We watched him* from birth, kept him in captivity, and know everything there is to know about him! How can we possibly know everything there is to know about him?! (Coke 2 smashes guard with hand)
(*Note: Actually, in the movie, a few people referred to Coke 2 as a "she", including Simon and Owen)
(Cut to Zach and Gray Mitchell, who were played in the movie by Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins, but are now being played by Jim Jarosz and Tamara Chambers, with an eager Gray running around Zach, who is on his phone)
NC (vo): This is where the two kids come in, because, by shit, we always need fucking kids in these movies. But to their credit, they're not that bad. It's more the idiot adults that surround them. You see, their parents are getting a divorce. (Gray and Zach look up to the camera in shock as Zach's phone falls out of his hand) Oh, yeah, sorry.
(Cut to scene with Claire in her car taking a call from her sister, Karen Mitchell, played in the movie by Judy Greer, but is now also being played by Tamara Chambers)
NC (vo): So they're spending the weekend with their Aunt Claire, who's obviously a little busy herself.
Karen: Hi, Claire! I just wanted to make sure the boys are okay?
Claire: Oh, well, actually they're not around me right now. So-
Karen: (starts crying)
Claire: Whoa! Jesus!
Karen: (while sobbing) I just thought you'd bond with my boys.
Claire: Listen, sis. I'm trying to make sure the park doesn't eat itself.
Karen: (still sobbing) It's just really hard with my divorce hearings right now.
Claire: You're calling me during your divorce hearing?
Karen: (still sobbing, with three lawyers, played by Doug Walker, Malcolm Ray, and Jim Jarosz, coming out from behind the wall, all three motioning for her to hurry up) Actually, they're telling me to hurry up right now.
Claire: Yeah, don't call me when you're busy with that. That's a touch more important.
Karen: (still sobbing, lawyers are gone now) Not as important as my want for you to like kids.
Claire: (sarcastically) Oh, no! A T-Rex ate a baby, gotta go. (Karen wails on the other end as Claire hangs up)
NC (vo): (continuing from where he left off) Of course, the kids aren't alright, (cut to Zach and Gray in a Gyro-sphere) because they're written like little dumb asses that go off into restricted areas in their American Gladiator ball that, for some reason, has no track.
NC: Okay, taking out the obvious safety of the two people inside, especially two children without an adult, in a ball, without a track, how is this safe for the dinosaurs? I mean, you've seen people in Go-Karts. Imagine throwing animals in that!
(Cut to Zach and Gray ramming a supposedly dead dinosaur with their ball)
Gray: Hohoho! Hit him again! (Zach does so) Haha! Hit him one more time! (Zach does so) Whew!
NC (vo): But Coke 2 grabs them and, again, because you never believe anything is there, it's not the least bit frightening, yet the boys end up escaping (Coke 2 smashed ball). So Claire tells Owen, the raptor trainer, about our missing kids and Coke 2. Oh, after they share some amazing onscreen chemistry.
Owen: We dated once. Remember?
Claire: Sure do.
NC: And that's it. That was the onscreen chemistry.
NC (vo): On the one hand, I'm happy they didn't argue like those dysfunctional pussies in Twister, but on the other hand, why have them interested in each other at all?
NC: I mean, I'm not gonna act like the chemistry in the first film was that great, but they at least talked and hugged and smiled and shit like that.
NC (vo): Here, they barely even look at each other. They share one kiss in the middle of the film, but then go back to acting like they're not a couple again. It's entirely pointless.
NC: I mean, fucking bizarre concept, but if you have a dude and a chick in a movie, they don't always have to hook up. I mean, if you got a romance, great, but it's not like a checklist.
(Cut to picture of Ripley and Bishop from Aliens)
NC (vo): In Aliens, Ripley doesn't need to turn to Bishop and be like (as Ripley) "I love you". (normal, while image is edited with Bishop saying "Da Fuck?") It'd be totally out of nowhere and just wouldn't fit.
NC: And I know what you're thinking. "That's as crazy as the park CEO flying a helicopter into certain death". (beat) You probably weren't thinking that, but I needed a segue.
(Cut to what he mentioned with Simon and the Guard from earlier in the review)
NC (vo): The owner decides he wants to help stop Coke 2 by flying a helicopter to shoot at it. They even play this triumphant music, like "Yay! He's doing the smart thing!", but, despite everybody telling him he's gonna end up dying, he actually ends up dying.
Simon (voiced by Doug Walker): Oh, no! (Coke 2 throws helicopter into the ground)
NC (vo): Yeah, for a business man, that was a pretty dumb move on his part.
(Cut to commercial break)
NC (vo): This leads to a bunch of pterodactyls being released, and...
NC: Okay, remember that argument I was talking about before about having the dinosaurs only do cool stuff? Well, here. Let's bring that argument back in. THIS is the cool stuff I'm talking about: the pterodactyls are attacking people. Why is this awesome? Because it's taking it to the next level!
NC (vo): We've seen dinosaurs eat scientists and people with guns in the jungle, and we're sick to death of it.
NC: Here, even though it's obviously fake, it still looks really cool.
NC (vo): They do some legitimately creative awesome stuff. They pick up civilians, fight over them, drop them into the water, only to have other dinosaurs eat them there*; it's fucking fantastic!
(*Note: In the movie that only happened with one civilian onscreen: Zach and Gray's babysitter and Claire's assistant, Zara, who was played by Katie McGrath)
NC: Even Claire machine guns down (vo, showing that) one of them, saving Owen's life! But, of course, the little kids are like-
Zach: We want to go with you.
Claire: Oh! Thanks! That's really great to hear!
Zach: N\o, I mean him (Owen).
NC (vo): FUCK YOU, you little shits!
NC: If I saw my aunt machine gun down a pterodactyl, you bet I'd hide behind her skirted ass!
NC (vo): So, okay, all the people in the park are in one location, an all you can eat dino buffet just waiting to be ripped to shreds. The opportunities write themselves. What terrifyingly awesome thing-
(The word NOTHING appears on the screen in red)
NC: Nothing! We never see those people again. They-they just stay in this one giant spot, this fucking salad bar of deliciousness, and we never...
NC (vo): ...ever touch them again. What do they do next?
NC: Well, something completely different, really new, you've NEVER seen this in a Jurassic Park movie! (beat) They go (vo, as we cut to what he's describing) hunting dinosaurs in the jungle! (cut back to him) Right?! RIGHT?! PUSHING THE FUCKING ENVELOPE HERE!!
NC (vo): Because, hey, remember. There's an evil scientific hybrid that needs to be stopped. Oh, I'm not talking about the dinosaur, I'm talking about Vincent D'Onofrio (character's name is actually Vic Hoskins, played in the movie by D'Onofrio, being played now by Rob Walker) being successfully combined with John Malkovich and every early 90's villain ever!
Hoskins: I wanna weaponize these raptors because I'm the obvious bad guy! I adjust my belt buckle all the time!
NC: No, no, we don't care, we don't care. We just had a scene where pterodactyls played hot potato with people's heads. Why would we care?
NC (vo): We know he's the bad guy, we know he's going to die, we know that MAN SUCKS! So, can we stop repeating what we've seen a fuck ton of times in the other films? Can we PLEASE get some new developments?
NC: (laughing for a moment) Oh, wait, what am I talking about? One of the BIGGEST developments in the film is coming up. And I mean it, this is, like, a HUGE TWIST they've been building up.
(Cut to Owen on a motorcycle with the raptors)
NC (vo): They use the raptors to find Coke 2 and... somehow think these tiny things are gonna take it down, when they finally put two and two together. And remember, this is a BIG SHOCK!
Owen: My God! That dinosaur that looks like a raptor, acts like a raptor, sounds like a raptor and moves like a raptor... I think it's part raptor!
(NC, fed up, takes off his glasses, face palms, and proceed to leave the room, with the camera following him)
NC: (offscreeen) No. No, no! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! (whimpering) NO, NO, NO, (see NC on the floor whimpering like a child) NO, NO, NO, NO! You can't be this stupid! You (uncovers face, which has now turned bright beetroot red with rage) CANNOT be this stupid! I mean, LOOK at that damn thing! (shows picture of Dinosaur Rob from My Pet Monster captioned "Raptor" compared to Dinosaur Rob (Coke 2) in this review. The only difference with him in this review is that he has a navy blue shirt instead of a brown one, a matching color hat, and has dark green skin instead of light brown) OF COURSE IT'S PART FUCKING RAPTOR! IT'S LIKE 90% FUCKING RAPTOR, YOU GODDAMN MORONS!!
NC (vo): You know those sponge dinosaurs? The one you just add water to make them grow bigger?
NC (now back at his desk with his glasses on and face still red, and with a small picture of what he just mentioned over in the right corner. It's a triceratops, by the way.): Well, DON'T SHOW THAT TO ANYBODY HERE, IT'LL COMPLETELY BLOW THEIR MINDS! They be like (now facing the triceratops) What's that? Oh, that's a triceratops. C'mon, everybody knows that. Oh, you're gonna add water. Well, I don't know what that's gonna-(water is added and the triceratops grows only a little bit bigger) OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT IS THAT?! OH, MY GOD, IT CHANGED INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE!! I mean, (turns to the camera) I'm AMAZING at what I do, but this- THIS IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION!! OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!! (grows a little bit bigger and NC dives under his desk, while screaming)
NC (vo): So, big shock, a raptor attacks D'Onofrio off-screen where he's PG-13-ned to death, leaving only our main stars left. Well, them and thousands of other people next door, but...
NC: (scoffs) That'd be no fun involving them.
NC (vo): But suddenly, Claire goes to this giant door and says-
Claire: Unfunny computer comic relief, open up the door!
Lowery Cruthers: You're insane! You're insane!
Claire: Just do it! (Cruthers opens the door)
NC (vo): Suddenly, the door starts to open up. There's nothing but darkness facing her.
NC: (gasp) Holy shit, could it be?
NC (vo): She stares into the black unknown while lighting up a flare!
NC: Holy fuck-a-balls! Is it, is it...
(Toy T-Rex comes out, T-Rex song plays. I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!)
(The T-Rex roars)
NC: It's THE MOTHERFUCKING T-REEEX!
NC (vo): Claire throws the flare towards Coke 2 and Original Coke is like, "Fuck you, bitch, I'm THE MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! (I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!) So there they are. Raptors, Giant Coke 2 raptor and the Motherfucking T-Rex, all in a kick-ass Incredible showdown!
NC: Hang on, if we're gonna do this, we gotta do this right.
(Presses a button, and we cut to Jon Bailey picking his nose)
Jon Bailey: Oh, uh, hello.
NC: Jon Bailey, I know you're used to doing the Honest Trailers voice in your own reviews on your own channel plug, but I need your help.
Jon: Uh, with what exactly?
NC: I need a voice as epic as yours to narrate the climax of Jurassic World.
Jon: The Motherfucking T-Rex scene?
Jon (vo): The T-Rex takes a bite out of the Pussysaurus, but then Pussysaurus bites back! The T-Rex slams that bitch into a building, but then the bitch trips her to the ground. T-Rex then starts taking several bites to the neck.
NC: (imitating Mickey from the Rocky movies) Get up, ya bum!
Jon (vo): Suddenly, one of the raptors jumps on top, freeing the T-Rex. She knocks the head back, slamming Pussysaurus into one of the overly-priced restaurants. The T-Rex then says...
T-Rex: You cannot defeat such awesomeness!
NC: Wait, wait, wait, the T-Rex is female, isn't she?
Jon: Well, she's a female who happens to sound like Optimus Prime.
NC: (Beat) Yeah, okay.
T-Rex: You cannot defeat such awesomeness! My amazing Kickassery cannot be contained!
Jon (vo): Her opponent roared, then the Motherfucking T-Rex roared. Then a mechanical T-Rex came in and burnt them alive!
NC: Okay, I know that didn't happen in the movie!
Jon: Who's got the cool voice?
NC: Okay, sorry.
Jon (vo): But they survive the blast and blow him up with their own fire breath! T-Rex then gives her opponent one more chance!
T-Rex: Surrender or face the Age of Extinction!
Jon (vo): No response. Thus the Motherfucking T-Rex replied...
T-Rex: Then go fish!
Jon (vo): Suddenly, that cool Jaws dinosaur you saw earlier comes up and eats the living hell out of that piece of shit! The battle is over. T-Rex and Raptor, two sworn enemies, acknowledge that their honor has been satisfied and live to fight another day. Oh, and some stuff with human characters happens, but who cares? The T-Rex climbs to the tallest building on the tallest mountain overlooking the park, lets out one roar, triumphant roar, turns to the camera and says...
T-Rex: I am a MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! (roars)
(NC squeals as he picks up the camera and starts spinning around while laughing. After several seconds, he stops while laying on the floor.)
NC: Goddamn you, movie! Goddamn you! Not only did you create one of the coolest scenes in any Jurassic Park movie ever, but you totally made up for that shitty-ass fucking idiot sequence in Jurassic Park 3!
NC (vo): Yeah, remember when the T-Rex dies to the "who cares"-asaurus just so they can sell more toys? Well, this scene takes all the fucking idiots who thought this was a good idea, grabs them by the ear and says...
NC: (uses the camera as if he's dragging someone) Come here! Come here! (punches) No! No! That is not how you do a T-Rex fight, movie! That is not how you do a T-Rex fight! This (cuts to T-Rex fight scene) is how you do a T-Rex fight! (cuts back to NC) You bad idiots! Those are bad, BAD idiots! GOD!!! (sighs then sits back down) Damn it, movies! I was just about done with you, I swear! It was over! I was just about to head out the door and be like...
(Another NC suddenly appears, holding a bag)
NC2: I'm sorry, Jurassic Park sequels. This abuse can't go on no longer! You promised so many wonderful things for us, and instead, you hurt me! You hurt me time and again! Well, no more. Goodbye, Jurassic Park sequels!
(He's about to leave, until NC stops him)
NC: But what if I made the greatest T-Rex fight ever?
NC2: (Dropping the bag) I'd say I'm falling for your bullshit all over again. Love me, Jurassic Park sequels!
NC: (Smiles to the camera) Yes.
(All the reenacted scenes of the movie are shown as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): It’s like Frost/Nixon. The majority of the interviews aren’t very good, but the last few minutes practically makes up for all of it. I guess, really, the film’s not the worse. I mean, it is well acted, looks nice, and does have some remarkable scenes. I just wish I didn’t have to sit through so much boring stuff to get to those scenes. If you wanna do a suspense film, great. Make the effects better and give us more scary scenarios. If you wanna do a B-film, great. Go all-out, make some totally insane choices, make the whole film as good as that last 10 minutes. But this half-and-half thing... (sighs) Why can’t I quit you, Jurassic Park sequels? I guess as the films go, it is the second-best out of all of them, but given the other two, that’s not a phenomenal feat. A lot of choices they make do still piss me off, but I’m not gonna be shocked if other people like it. For a lot of people, it’s stupid in all the right ways. For me, I didn’t think it went far enough, except for that ending, which, like I said, is totally worth the price of admission.
NC: Yeah, I realize this review is all over the place. Should you see it, should you not see it? But, hopefully, you can get in some idea if this is the right movie for you.
Jon: So, is that it, then?
NC: Yeah, pretty much. There's nothing else to reenact. Though the studio that owns this does also own 50 Shades of Grey, and it's unlikely they'll let me use the clips for that.
(NC turns to look at Tamara, and then Malcolm glances at her. Tamara looks at both of them)
(NC and Malcolm glance at her again)
Tamara: Okay, no.
(NC and Malcolm groan)
Jon Bailey: (in his Optimus Prime voice) My inner goddess is about to explode! (As the credits roll, the T-Rex song plays again. I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!) Be sure to subscribe to this crazy guy for his movie reviews and check mine out on my channel. Because I said so in my cool voice!
Channel Awesome Tagline - Owen: I think it's part raptor!