Justice League: Cry for Justice #5-7
Original Release Date
January 24, 2011
Don't cry for these comics. They're already dead.
The episode opens up on a harrowing scene. Vyce (in his first real appearance on-screen) is seen holding Dr. Linksano up by his neck, very clearly furious with the good (?) doctor and his constant failures.
Lord Vyce: You come to me with promises of superior technology, upgrades for my systems and for the android, and what is the result? A wrecked machine and this universe's champion even more powerful than before!
Dr. Linksano: (struggling to choke out his words) ...W-Well, you see, one thing you don't realize...is...gaa-cchk...!!
Lord Vyce: Enough with this foolishness.
Vyce tosses Linksano aside, having had enough of Linkara foiling his plans.
Lord Vyce: If I am to finally confront and destroy The Entity, it must be here. I did not wish to make my presence known, but there is no more time. I will deal with the champion myself.
Cut to the theme song and opening credits. Fade into the title card for the episode. Song is "Just Let Me Cry" by Lesley Gore. Fade into Linkara, who is quick to leap into the fray this time around...and for good reason; it's a triple feature.
Linkara: (hurriedly) Okay, we've got three issues to review today, so let's just go, go!
Cut to a quick montage of screencaps from the last two issues seen just a couple of weeks ago.
Linkara (VO): In the last four issues, a bunch of dumbasses decided to yell "JUSTICE" randomly as if it had any kind of significance, several people died off-panel, the only interesting characters barely got any panel time and torture is A-OK from heroes who had previously not believed it was not okay!
Linkara: So let's dig into Justity Justice #5, #6 and #Justice!
Linkara (VO): We open to the home of Buddy Baker a.k.a Animal Man, where Donna Troy and Starfire are just getting out of the pool. Why they're not just at the pool of their own tower is anyone's guess since this was before their book got taken over by Deathstroke, but hey, what're you gonna do? And of course, this is another scene with the excuse of the artist getting to draw bikini-clad women. Huzzah. The doorbell rings and it's Mikaal and Congorilla, come to see Animal Man. In my continuing quest for you all to read better comics, go hunt down Grant Morrison's run on Animal Man.
Linkara: I'll wait!
Linkara patiently taps his fingers against the comic as he waits for the viewer to pause the video and literally heed his advice to find the comic right that very moment. After a few seconds of waiting around...
Linkara: ...You're not going anywhere, are you?
Linkara heaves an exasperated sigh. Oh well. Points for effort.
Linkara (VO): Anyway, they've come to Animal Man for advice on where to go next in their investigation. Of all the people they could've chosen for advice, why did they go to Animal Man first? He lives in San Diego! You guys were in Paris! I could think of at least a dozen other stops on the way you could've made for people who could help! The three volunteer to assist. Donna Troy says they can call in the Titans.
Congorilla: Yes, but at the risk of offending you, I think we need help from more than the Titans. (Linkara accidentally reads this line in Mikaal's voice.)
Linkara: The Titans have saved the Earth just as many times as any other team, plus they have just as huge a roster as the Justice League. You may not have offended her, but you've offended me as a fan.
Linkara: No, of course, he thinks they need the Justice League and we immediately cut to them. Hal Jordan has just finished explaining the situation. Roy Harper a.k.a Red Arrow a.k.a Arsenal a.k.a formerly Green Arrow's sidekick says that of course they've got their help, but Black Canary has decided that a criminal investigation is nowhere near as important as being pissed off at the two for leaving in Issue 1.
Dinah: You've been gone for weeks, doing I don't know what!
Linkara: (shocked) WEEKS?!? How the hell have they been gone for-!? ...Nevermind, let's just get through this!
Linkara (VO): Captain Marvel says they need to stop bickering and get together. Despite the fact that the group was supposed to have finished their exposition, they continue talking about Prometheus controlling supervillains. The leak says they've been getting reports of villains operating out of different cities they usually do, and they suspect a pattern to the attacks, not that we ever really learn what the supposed pattern is. They get a call from Batwoman who says she encountered an ice supervillain named Endless Winter. She persuaded Endless Winter to talk, in turn saying that it was a diversion for Prometheus...
Batwoman: ...until things took a sudden and unexpected twist.
The camera focuses in on the panel where Endless Winter suddenly spews blood out of her mouth, dying in a rather vague manner.
Linkara: GINGIVITIS STRIKES WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!
Batwoman: Dramatic. I was lucky my boots were insulated.
Linkara (VO): Wait, was that panel supposed to imply that she was electrocuted? And if that was Prometheus killing her, what about all the other supervillains who have yapped before this and didn't get shocked? Surprisingly Caucasian Firestorm is sent out to retrieve the body while we cut to the Shade talking with Jay Garrick. The Shade now looks about thirty years younger than he did in the previous issue, which makes more sense, since Shade is supposed to be immortal. He explains that villains are being sent into cities as distractions for Prometheus' greater plan and that the heroes are so busy fighting that they aren't looking in the right places. ...how does he know all of this? Of course, this makes one wonder why Prometheus is even bothering with sending out people to distract them considering the fact that no one was looking for him until he started sending out villains. Smooooooth. Jay Garrick says it's time to go to the Justice League with what he knows. While the Atom apparently performs an autopsy on Endless Winter - he's a physicist!!! - they learn that another hero, The Guardian, stopped a villain in the act of setting up a device. They bring the device up to the tower and, after consulting with other scientists, discover that the device is an amalgamation of the technologies that have been stolen. Specifically, the device appears to be some kind of giant teleporter capable of beaming away an entire city. However, the device is incomplete because it requires an immense amount of power and a gigantic specialized computer system for the thing to work. Supergirl suddenly notices that-- WHOA, what the hell happened to the artwork on Supergirl?! Her head is huge and she's become ultra-thin!
Linkara: For heaven's sakes, woman, eat a burger!!
Linkara (VO): Roy Harper walks off because he needs to make a phone call and wish his daughter sweet dreams. Yes, one of the interesting character points about Roy Harper is that he's a single father. It is something very unique about him and not done very often with superheroes. Remember this. Anyway, Hal starts to mobilize them into teams - Why? Where are you going? - while Black Canary whines to Green Arrow.
Dinah: You left the team. You left me. I lost faith in everything... In myself. I dissolved the league.
Linkara (VO): Let me get this straight. Black Canary, leader of the Justice League, one of the strongest characters and most badass fighters in the DC Universe, couldn't handle leadership or her personal life without having her husband around?!?
Linkara: Why do you hate the Birds of Prey so much, James Robinson?! Is it because they were better written stories than what you were- ...Well, I answered my own question there.
Oliver: You want the list of what me and Hal were up to? We captured Black Manta. And the Fisherman.
Linkara: Black Manta was in the pile of villains from back in Issue 2. Either the artist made a mistake there, or as a writer, James Robinson, you forgot who was there.
Oliver: Remember Cutlass Charlie?
Oliver: Well, they know him over in Somalia where he turned the piracy there into high-speed slaughter. Not anymore though.
Linkara (VO): Oh, really? Yeah, pity we never got to see any of these heroics of yours! Instead, it was felt that our time was better spent watching you two torture people.
Oliver: Thing is, we did good, Hal and me. On the assault. On the hunt for justice.
Linkara (VO): ...That's not what you were saying last issue when you were TORTURING PEOPLE! Anyway, Animal Man shows up with the others - yeah, five issues in, Mikaal and Congorilla finally have something to do with the plot - Congorilla smells something and runs off and finds Supergirl, who apparently was just wandering around on her own. Instead, they find Roy Harper...whose arm has been cut off. Yeah, this was totally necessary to see. By the way, Roy Harper is a trained superhero since when he was a kid and even a member of the Titans, but evidently, he decided to drag himself around the satellite bleeding across half of it instead of sounding the alarm! They say he's lost a lot of blood and Supergirl cauterizes his stump of an arm. Again, instead of calling for help, Congorilla just roars and the two run off. Well, I'm sure the unconscious, normal human will be fine with his cut-off arm! No need to get help or anything!! Anyway, Congorilla's roar causes the others to come a runnin'. They come across Roy's body, alone, and say they'll get the ones who did this, while no one seems to be thinking of getting Roy to a hospital or anything. Issue 5 ends showing Congorilla burned up, the Flash unconscious and Supergirl fighting Captain Marvel.
Linkara: At this point, it's just getting surreal how incompetent the heroes are looking. Now let's see if they can redeem themselves!
Linkara (VO): First thing to note is that Issue 6 and 7 have different artists than the rest of the series. Mauro Cascioli will return for all of three pages in Issue 7, but for now, Scott Clark is taking over art duties. Issue 6 opens with Supergirl revealing that she suspected Captain Marvel wasn't who he said he was ever since the explosion with Clayface.
Supergirl: Prometheus' "deathtrap." That super-smart, super-cute Freddy found a way to save us from and win our confidence. You said you used your magical lightning to shield us from the blast. If I had gotten that close to magical energy, I'd have maybe died... Certainly wouldn't have felt good.
Linkara: Rrrrrgh... Okay, I said it was a plot point, but that's not the reason why the lightning thing was stupid!
Linkara (VO): When Captain Marvel calls down his lightning, it doesn't create an explosion that can counteract another explosion, it sends a single lightning bolt down to Captain Marvel. While there may be a blast of energy, it's not the kind of thing that would protect them and it would be fairly small, all things considered! That's why his excuse was dumb. Secondly, it's magic attacks that Superman and Supergirl are vulnerable to. It's not like kryptonite where the radiation is lethal to them. Magical energy alone isn't going to hurt them. The lightning would certainly have hurt Supergirl but it wouldn't have killed her like she says here! After all, any time there's a fight between Superman and Captain Marvel, he calls down the thunder on him and he survives! Still, props to Supergirl for noticing. No props, however, for the fact that she didn't tell anybody! And this is where it gets worse! She realized that every time the group got off track, he was the one to get them back on track. Plus, Captain Marvel said the magic word "Shazam," which is supposed to be what calls down the thunder and transforms him. He can't say the word in casual conversation like he did. Supergirl says that Captain Marv- okay, it's Prometheus. I'm just saying it now. Prometheus wanted access to the JLA satellite and that's why he let them all live from the explosion.
Linkara: That is, without a doubt, one of the dumbest plans ever!
Linkara (VO): He didn't need any of them to be alive! All he had to do was let them all die, grab Green Arrow's JLA communicator and yell out, "OH MY GOD, THEY'RE ALL DEAD!" When the League goes to investigate, you say you want to come with to make sure the perpetrators are brought to justice. Clean, simple and with at least four less heroes you have to deal with! Next, Prometheus isn't super strong and never could fly before, so how did he travel from Central City to Gotham with the Atom? (During the next line, a very good question appears on the screen: "Furthermore, if it wasn't the lightning that stopped the bomb, what did?") And how did he even know who to tag along with for this quest? What was he gonna do if none of the supervillains got caught by heroes and tortured for information? How was he planning on getting on the satellite then? And now, not only do you have Supergirl to deal with, but at least a dozen other superheroes WAY out of your league! ...Oh, but I forgot; this is the comic where everyone is a moron but him, even though he's a moron too! Supergirl gets taken down instantly thanks to a bullet wound in the shoulder. Magic bullet, admittedly, but all it does is put a tiny hole through her shoulder, nothing special! It'll heal up in no time, why does this knock her out? Speaking of, the other heroes run in and show how dumb they are. Zatanna, instead of staying back and using her magic, runs right at the front and gets shot in the throat so she can't use her magic. Plastic Man gets hit by something that destabilizes him. Red Tornado is taken out by technobabble. Black Canary is accidentally hit by Starman's blasts instead of using her Canary Cry from a distance, and Starman is shot and knocked out. While this goes on, Prometheus exposits about how he had hoped to just slip in and out unnoticed - something that would've been easier without others with you - to make a long story short, despite a dozen superheroes all experienced and powerful doing everything they can to fight him, they're all either incapacitated or heavily injured by the end of this fight. Y'know, I talked about wanting a fight scene after so much of this nonsense, but this is not what I meant!
Linkara: Prometheus is supposed to be good, but this is just cartoonish!
Linkara (VO): In the original story he appeared in, he got stopped by Catwoman, for crying out loud! Yes, he's this powerful supervillain! Yes, he should be tough to take down! But this?! And by the way, Prometheus, with all of his advanced technology and tactics specifically designed to take down each member of the Justice League, or any other hero he comes again, does not in fact kill any of them! So why not kill them?
Mike (from the MST3K episode "The Pumaman"; speaking as main villain Dr. Korbas): No, that would be cheating...
Linkara (VO): Yeah, no reason. Dear lord, this sucks! Oh, this is great, too! Prometheus stops Donna Troy and Green Arrow in a twofold of dumb. Donna Troy got crucified on a wall earlier in the fight, but got out of it despite immense pain and flew off after Prometheus. However, Prometheus then projected a hologram around Donna to make her look like him, so Green Arrow shot her in the leg. ...Subsequently, a shot in the leg knocks her unconscious. Also, a normal arrow pierced her super-strong skin. This is stupid! Look, of course a villain has to be threatening and dangerous, but if you pile on like this, there won't be any realistic way that they'll be beaten! It's too unbelievable! Oh yeah, and Ray Palmer tries to pull his torture trick on him, but instead Prometheus has nanites that he can use to repel him and turn him into a Conehead. Prometheus is finally stopped by the arrival of Jay Garrick and the Shade. Garrick, despite super speed, is stopped by Prometheus, who manages to inject him with a toxin or something, I dunno, whatever. However, he has difficulty identifying the Shade because he has every hero catalogued, but since the Shade isn't a hero...
Linkara: BULL. CRAP!! If he's really as friggin' smart as the comic wants us to believe, he would have a database on villains, too!!
Linkara (VO): And so the Shade, someone that James Robinson excelled into "mega-awesome badass" status during the Starman series, is repelled with...bright lights. ...I think, since that's only implied. Fortunately, I get the satisfaction of seeing Prometheus get brought down by Donna Troy, who remembers that she's, y'know, super strong! Donna rips off his helmet and just starts punching him. Normally just one punch should be enough to flatten his face into goop, but apparently she gets off several punches before the Shade stops her...for some reason? Oh, he doesn't want her to go down the same dark path as him. Buuuuuuulllllcraaaaaaaap~! The Shade helped people kill others back in Starman, but then why would James Robinson remember something he himself wrote? Anyway, he's tied up and chained down via Green Lantern's ring-- wait... Why did you put his helmet back on?!
Linkara: (losing it) What--d... Why would you EVER put his helmet back on?!? That's the source of his power and intellect and skills!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!??!?
Linkara (VO): Oh my god, these people DESERVE to be killed!! No one this stupid deserves to live! (calming down without missing a beat) And for some reason, Black Canary has transformed into a Romulan. They demand Prometheus tell them his plan. He explains thusly...
Prometheus: My revenge on all of you... For the years you took. Instead of destroying cities - something a monkey could do if you strapped a big enough bomb to its back - my devices will encase the cities in force fields to protect them, at which point they're dispatched though time and space.
Jay: But then everyone in the cities would live.
Prometheus: Yes, and you'd all know it. But with limitless possibilities of where they'd been sent, you'd never find them.
Linkara: ...So, let me see if I've got this revenge scheme down exactly...
Linkara (VO): Prometheus wanted to get revenge on the Justice League for taking away several years of his life. This plan requires him to steal bits of very advanced technology, from time machines to teleporters, so he can teleport various cities into other dimensions - that they'll still be able to survive in apparently despite no access to air, power, the Sun or food - so that the heroes will feel bad about losing so many people and aided by dozens of supervillains, all of whom he has blackmail material on when really, he could've just acquired normal goons that would do the same job. In order to accomplish this, he brings in a whole bunch of supervillains into one spot and...I don't know, I guess he just told them to stand there and wait, and then released word "on the street" that there was a supervillain meeting so some heroes could come by and deal with them. However, they needed to be Justice League members since he was going to impersonate Captain Marvel and join them by meeting up with the Atom, flying to Gotham and then arriving at that same spot so he can then save their lives to convince them he's who he says he is, so they'll beam him up to the satellite so he can finalize his plan!
Linkara: I'm just saying, this is an awful lot of work and relied upon a lot of coincidences when he could've just killed their loved ones and whatnot!
Linkara (VO): And he wants to get revenge against these people in particular, since he planted one of these devices inside of Star City, the home of Green Arrow, ignoring the fact that he never fought Green Arrow! The person who supposedly impersonated him did, but not him! In fact, I'd say of all the people in the room, maybe like one percent are people he actually harbors a grudge against! And probably not even that much! He's trying to get revenge against people who didn't do anything to him!!
Linkara: But, for the sake of argument, let's pretend that he can really do all of this... Except by keeping those cities alive, he leaves hope that they can be brought back!!
Linkara (VO): Prometheus, you could be the smartest man in the room, but considering other scientists needed to develop all of this technology to begin with, it wouldn't be too difficult to pool them all together and figure out how to bring everyone back! And if somehow "only you" could bring them back, do you think with the millions of lives at stake, they wouldn't hesitate to turn you into a vegetable to dig out the information they needed?! So now he explains why he needed to get onto the satellite.
Prometheus: I needed a focal point above America where I could harness the sun's energy... The only power source big enough for the job. But with that focal point having enough internal fortitude to withstand the vigors of what was occurring for the duration of the process.
Linkara (VO): He also says he needed the processing power of the satellite's computer systems. So, yeah, it again makes even less sense that he let all these heroes live. Realizing what he could've done while he was alone, they try to shut down the computers. However, since Prometheus is powered by MAGICAL FAIRY DUST OF PLOT CONVENIENCE, he has been downloading his computer programs into the system the whole time, which of course does not have any kind of security countermeasures for this sort of situation! Ah, but it's time to elevate the dumb level!
Prometheus: But my goal has changed. Instead of revenge, now I want my freedom.
Linkara: ...whaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! You go through all this trouble to set up this unnecessarily elaborate revenge scheme, and now you just want to be let go?!?
Linkara (VO): Anyway, he says if he's let go, he'll tell them the locations of each teleportation device, as well as the codes to deprogram them. Green Arrow refuses after what happened to Roy, but Black Canary says they should hear him out--WHAT?! Oh, screw it! Anyway, he says that in the event of his capture, there's already a program override in his devices that will destroy all of the cities if he's not released. Oh, of course there is... I thought any monkey could plant a bomb, Prometheus. Aren't these things supposed to only teleport? Anyway, Issue 6 ends with the revelation that the first city to be hit is Star City, Green Arrow's hometown. This stupid story finally starts drawing to a close in Issue 7. To make matters better, the fill-in artist, Scott Clark, couldn't even finish off this one. They brought in a third artist, Ibraim Robinson, in order to fill in some of this stuff. So now let's have three different art styles clashing so that the book can't have a consistent feel to it. Green Arrow and Green Lantern run off to the teleporters to try and help Star City.
Linkara (VO): (his voice takes on a much more grim tone from this point onward...and for very good reason) It's here that we finally have the lowest common denominator. Sure, there are pages in between that I could comment on, but it's finally time to talk about the thing that pisses me off so much about this comic. Oh sure, all the plotholes, the idiotic premise, the dumb character behavior and every one of its numerous other issues warranted it to be here on this show. But that's not enough for me to hate it like I do. Say hello to Lian Harper. ...Or rather, Lian Harper's corpse. For those unaware, Lian Harper is an established long-time supporting character who, of course, has not appeared once in this story until now. And she was also a little girl.
Linkara: (with a clear, righteous and venomous tone) It is sickening to think that a child character is killed like this. A child who had no bearing on the proceedings of the story. A child whose father has just been maimed. A child who served no purpose in this story but to be a shock moment for the readers. ...It is despicable.
Linkara (VO): And don't take me to mean that a child should never ever ever die in a story! That's ludicrous! But this? This is a frickin' joke! No buildup! No foreshadowing!! No relevance to the events that have transpired!!! It's senseless, and a waste of a character!! It robs Roy Harper of his unique character status as a single father, and rids the DC Universe of potential future stories, and don't ANYONE tell me "Well, it's comic books! She'll be alive again in a year!" NOT EVERYONE COMES BACK TO LIFE IN COMICS. Especially not a non-superhero supporting character!
Linkara: I got into comic books thanks to a little series called The Titans, where Lian was adorable in almost every scene she was featured in. And that is why I hate this book so much! I can't look at the books I enjoyed and loved anymore without thinking of this!! THIS...EXPLOITIVE...BADLY WRITTEN TRASH!!!
Linkara (VO): I should end the review right this second! There's nothing else to say!! However, I suppose the people who have never heard of this thing are curious about how it ends.
Linkara: So, how does it end? BADLY!
Linkara (VO): Oh, and our fill-in artist isn't all that much better than Mauro, since at least twice now he decides to show off Starfire in provocative posing. Smooth. Yeah, thanks for that after the child death. Back on the satellite, the unusually large-headed Atom admits that, you know, torturing was a bad idea and he realizes that now! How comforting. Prometheus admits that his devices aren't working the way they're supposed to be, possibly because the different technologies aren't interfacing correctly.
Linkara: (annoyed) Let me get this straight, he can magic himself up all of these tactics and weapons to counteract the Justice League but he can't even get his stupid devices to work properly. This comic can't decide if Prometheus is a genius or an idiot!
Linkara (VO): The Flashes report that the device in their city is underwater, designed to go off if the exact amount of water pressure around it isn't there. As such, they can't super speed the device away. Prometheus, in turn, explains that each of the devices is specialized to prevent the heroes of their respective cities from getting rid of it. Now, the obvious solution is to just switch people around, but few people are acting smart in this comic. Up on the satellite, we finally have a reason for Miss Martian's earlier cameo. Well, if you can call it a reason, since she's been brought in to try and red Prometheus' mind to get the codes they need to disarm the devices. Miss Martian, in turn, staggers back in pain from some kind of mental defenses that Prometheus has. Prometheus never fails to impress! He can conveniently come up with something like that, but he can't escape from normal shackles. Oh, it gets better. Remember the Shade? Well, in Opal City, he tried to transport it out of the city with his darkness abilities, but apparently the device is designed to accelerate if there isn't any light. So...let me see if I understand this; Prometheus said he didn't know who the Shade was, but apparently the device he had planted was specifically designed to counteract his powers. What a convenient device! Oh, and the super-duper-maxi-extreme-ultra devices can counteract the magic of the real Captain Marvel, too! Look, there's smart villains, there's clever planning and then there's just pulling crap out of your ass! The situation is designed so that there isn't any other possible solution than the one presented, and it's so contrived, so forced, that I'm surprised that Prometheus couldn't escape Green Lantern's energy constructs by just wiggling his tongue!! After all, he can stop everything else through these devices, so why not that, too?!? And with so many lives hanging in the balance, Green Arrow pleads with the others to just let him go, even after what happened to Roy Harper, who could be considered his son, and Lian, in turn his grandaughter.
Oliver: Prometheus gave us the codes. We gave him freedom. Vixen took him to the teleporter.
Linkara: Wait, he...gave you the codes while he was still on-board the satellite? ...Why didn't you knock him out again afterwards?! Did he make you pinky-swear not to?!?
Linkara (VO): And so the story ends with Prometheus returning to his lair in another dimension. Also, he apparently transformed into the horrid artwork of Secret Defenders #9 and #10 in this panel. However, Green Arrow is waiting for him with an arrow that goes right into his head, killing him instantly. Oh, looky, it's the super-genius that created bombs so clever that they warp the laws of plausibility, but he has no way to defend his frickin' lair or any way to stop and arrow shooting into his brain! Our villain, ladies and gentlemen! Green Arrow proudly proclaims, "Justice."
Linkara: No. Like every other repetition of that word, you mean revenge! Revenge... The most worthless of causes. THESE COMICS SUCK!!
Linkara (VO): There is no arc to these characters, no person we're supposed to see actually changed by the experiences presented! I'm not even sure what the point of it all is! The two hurt most of all are Roy Harper and his daughter. Robinson has actually gone beyond the realm of good taste into something that is just vile! If this had been a story about good people doing bad things, that would be a idea worth looking at, but that's not what this is! There is no moral to this story, no form of ultimate punishment for the actions committed by the so-called "heroes," nothing happened to come back to bite them in the ass, not even guilt! The villain, despite being talked about for the entire series, doesn't actually make his presence known until three issues in, where he becomes so strong and so powerful that there's no realistic way he can be defeated! It's crass sensationalism and exploitation! It's not even a "so bad, it's good" kind of story! The plot points are meant to be shocking and offensive to our senses, and they are, but not in a good way! Robinson later said that he was glad that people got angry about it, that it shows that we care. The problem is that we know who to blame for this and who to be angry at! In a good story, we're angry at the villain! In a bad story, we're angry at the creators! We're pissed off, Robinson, because you failed us!! You failed your readers who trusted you! You failed the characters that DC claims to be guardians and shepherds of! You failed as a writer! We care, alright! And because we care, we're ashamed of you and ashamed of ourselves for believing you could pull this off!
Linkara: I've never felt so sorry to have paid full-price for something! This comic blows, and I have to reminded of it all the time!!!
Linkara tosses the comic off-screen.
Linkara: ...How can my day get any worse?
Not one to be left out of the fun of "Kick the Comic Book Fan", the fates respond with a sudden darkening of the room and a menacing figure appearing in the room with Linkara; a person covered head to toe in advanced armor. As the lights come back on, Linkara realizes just who he's looking at.
Linkara: ...Lord Vyce.
Lord Vyce: So you are the champion of this universe...
Linkara: "Champion"? What are you talking about?
Lord Vyce: It's been my experience that in almost every parallel universe, there exists at least one person, one champion that foolishly tries to defend that universe from perceived threats. So far, in my conquests, I have defeated sixteen such champions. When they fall, their universes fall with them.
Linkara: And how do you know that's me?
Lord Vyce: There are ways of detecting it.
Linkara: Then maybe this is the one where you finally get stopped.
Lord Vyce: You are welcome to try.
The fight begins with Linkara throwing a punch at the galactic conqueror...only for Vyce to effortlessly catch his punch and force him backward with a hook of his own. Linkara recovers from the blow and tries to repeatedly throw punches at him, but he manages to block every punch without a sweat and just shoves him backward; it's almost like Vyce is toying with him. Yet again, Linkara attempts to run at him and deck him something fierce, but he is countered a third time and knocked back against the closet door. Realizing he has no chance of fighting off Vyce without some help, he retreats down the hall to look for his weapons, Vyce giving chase moments afterward. Linkara soon enters the living room and looks around frantically for something - anything to give him an advantage over the conqueror chasing him down in his own home.
Linkara: LIZ, I NEED YOU!!
Pollo suddenly pops up.
Pollo: Liz is out of town at the moment.
Linkara: Oh, just wonderful timing! Where's my Zeonizer?!
Pollo: The Zeonizer is still being recharged from your last battle.
Linkara: (clearly panicked) Great... No morpher, no backup, Lian is dead...! You got any other good news for me?!
Pollo: I will attempt to hold him off and give you some more time.
Pollo charges at the approaching Vyce...but sadly, he's quickly knocked aside and rendered non-functional.
Linkara: (shocked) Pollo!
Lord Vyce soon appears out from the hallway and turns toward Linkara, who quickly grabs up his laser cannon, powers it up and fires it at Vyce in the hopes that he can do some damage before the confrontation gets worse. Unfortunately, not even that stops him, as Vyce blocks the laser with just one hand, holding it off until it finally powers down. Linkara then tosses it aside, knowing it won't do much good for him now.
Lord Vyce: Your bravery is admirable, but misguided.
Linkara: Story of my life.
Lord Vyce: Don't worry, once this universe is conquered, it will be under my protection. I will not allow The Entity to harm it.
Lord Vyce: Are you so witless as to believe that I conquer because of such worthless pursuits as power or glory? In the universe where I originated, there was...something wrong. It was as if the universe itself had a "glitch," an aberration, an entity. It was something that was never meant to be, and yet it existed, feasting and consuming entire worlds. A dark horror whose worshipers claimed was the end of all things. At first, I traveled to other universes to warn them of its approach, but when they failed to listen, I decided to force the issue. I conquered worlds to protect them from it. No one under my gaze need fear The Entity, and I have chased it here. It is trapped on this world, and I will not allow it to escape...and I will not let you or anyone else to prevent its destruction!
Vyce continues his assault by flooring Linkara with a punch, then attempting to cave his skull in with a stomp. He manages to roll out of the way and get to his feet, putting some distance between him and the newly-revealed well-intentioned extremist.
Linkara: Okay... I don't like using this if I don't have to...but you leave me no choice.
Linkara pulls out a familiar-looking Poke Ball.
Linkara: Pyramid Head, I choose you!
Our motley comic book reviewer throws the Poke Ball and releases the iconic monster from the Silent Hill series to duel with Vyce. It looks toward its target and heaves its Great Knife over its head to swing at him...and it doesn't leave so much of a dent on his armor. Linkara looks surprised by this sudden turn of events as he watches the two fight. Pyramid Head attempts to run Vyce through with the knife, but is quickly countered, gut punched and gets his soul stolen by Vyce. We repeat: Pyramid Head just got killed by Lord Vyce. With one of his last lines of defense killed, Vyce pulls out a laser of his own. As he prepares it, Linkara quickly grabs up Captain America's shield in a last-ditch effort to save himself. He successfully blocks the laser, but its power knocks him to the floor, allowing Vyce to march over to the fallen champion, knock aside the shield and just start to mercilessly beat him down until Linkara is bruised and bloodied in his grasp, unable to fight back any longer.
Lord Vyce: You are the a flea that thinks itself a giant; brave...but futile.
In a final, desperate act of defiance, Linkara quickly grabs Vyce's laser and jams it into his armor, zapping him and forcing him to drop our hero to the floor. Vyce is quick to recover his weapon.
Lord Vyce: (a threatening tone) You dare touch my--?!
He cuts himself short when he sees something that shocks him to the core; his previously nigh-impervious armor has been damaged by his own weaponry. Realizing what's going on, Vyce quickly retreats back to his ship to recover from the battle, despite having just handed Linkara his ass on seventy-two different platinum platters. The episode closes on a terrified Linkara, who looks shocked to the core by this crushing defeat, and how he should consider himself very lucky that he's still alive after that fight.
Smash to black, cut to credits. What better way to wash down that intense and nightmarish finale with a laser-guided application of Lesley Gore's "It's My Party"? After the credits end, the usual stinger pops up again, this time reading "V-MINUS 21". It would appear it's only a matter of time before the real final battle with Vyce is nigh...