Ken Park

Ken park bhh

Date Aired
September 17th, 2012
Running Time

We start with the following caption: ‘WARNING: This episode deals with disturbing themes.‘ Followed by: ’Of course, if you’ve seen this show before, you could have guessed that.’ Next is ’Also, there are huge spoilers for Season 2 of The Wire.’ “And I horribly mispronounce ‘Tagalog’”. Then, the BHH opening sequence plays.

Cut to Oancitizen in his nook, reading A Century in the Sun and whistling the theme from The Andy Griffith Show. He chuckles a bit before noticing us and closing the book.

Oan: Ah! Welcome to Brows Held High. You know what does get a lot of attention? Small-town America.

We cut to two zoom-in stills of picturesque downtowns of unknown cities, followed by a zoom-in of Norman Rockwell’s famous Thanksgiving-themed Freedom From Want painting.

Oan [v/o]: With so much media devoted to people in big cities, following intellectual, material, or cultural pursuits, it’s easy to forget that the small towns of this country are always considered the standard to which we hold our culture. And they are easily [cut to a zoom-in of Sarah Palin] the demographic that politicians across the board love to pander to.

Oan: It’s also a haven for quirky misfits, which indie filmmakers just [exaggerating the “l” here] lllllllllllove to death.

Oan [v/o]: [zoom in on a photo of:] Larry Clark is one such filmmaker, making a huge controversy upon the release of his 1995 film, [zoom in on a poster for:] Kids. He was accused of child pornography with his explicit depiction of teenage relationships.

Oan: But, if what I’ve read is to be believed, Ken Park makes Kids look like iCarly - a veritable marination in teenage body fluids and… [he pauses to think about that image and leans back in his chair] oh, wow. I thought I’d gotten past this sort of thing.

Oan [v/o]: [cut to a poster for:] I mean, Primer was the first thing I’ve reviewed without any sex whatsoever. And I have to give a post-hoc “thank you” to [the poster for el Descubrimiento del Cielo, or] The Discovery of Heaven for being my first film to feature a baby and not have it die. [cut to the opening credits as we see shots of farm fields passing by while we’re in a car] But, if this beginning is to be believed, it can’t be that bad. [we then see a red-haired kid on a skateboard, traveling his nearby nieghborhoods] I mean, this could be the opening to a Kevin Smith movie or some other ‘90s teen flick like Empire Records or Biodome. It could be [the kid has now reached a local skating park] a fun little portrait of youngsters hanging out at Ken Park, their favorite skateboarding joint. And it could be… [at this point, the kid looks at the camera as he puts a gun to the side of his head… and pulls the trigger. Yes, he has just committed suicide on-screen]

Oan: [disappointed, OBVIOUSLY] Well, there we go.

At this point, other kids at the skate park quickly gather around the now-lifeless body.

Shawn [v/o]: I used to be friends with this guy. His name was Ken Park.

Oan [v/o]: Wait. Ken Park isn’t an actual park?

Shawn [v/o]: His name spelled backwards is “Krap Nek,” and I used to tease him about it.

Oan: Okay, that can’t be the reason he killed himself.

Oan [v/o]: [quick clip of Shortbus, featuring the Severin character] Jennifer Aniston from Short Bus had a better reason to hate her name. [back to the Ken Park kids] And having your name spell out something remotely dirty when it’s written backwards is hardly embarrassing. Well, maybe his [quick image of the logo for the band Linkin Park] middle name’s Linkin or something.

Oan: So, Mr. Clark, tell us the story of Ken Park.

We cut to a photo of Ken in his earlier days, followed by a shot of five young kids on a bed in some kid’s room. From left to right, they are Claude, Peaches, some mystery kid, Tate, and Shawn.

Oan [v/o]: Actually, he doesn’t, because this film isn’t about Ken Park. It’s really about four of his friends, living in the small town of Visalia, California. [close-up shot of…] First up is Shawn, a young skateboarder and [superimposed headshot of Thom Yorke appears next to him] lead singer for Radiohead.

Claude [v/o]: [we see a still of Shawn in the street wearing a “ZERO” T-shirt] Shawn is one of my best friends. He’s young, but he’s kinda smart. Once we were driving down the street, and he threw a tennis ball and hit an old lady.

Oan [v/o]: Yes, a sage man, indeed. I believe throwing things at the elderly is part of the entry exam for MENSA. [we cut to inside Shawn’s house; his bedroom, specifically, as we see Shawn holding down his brother on the ground, beating him up] Shawn lives in a cozy little home with his brother, who loves him!

Shawn: Say I’m the master! Say you love me!

Oan [v/o]: And he was a mother… who also loves him!

Shawn’s Mother: You brother told me to tell you to fuck yourself.

Oan [v/o]: [cut to Shawn waking up the driveway of a different house] Now, Shawn speeds away to his girlfriend’s house, where we see- OH! [Oan is disgusted because there’s a little girl having a tea party while watching porn on the TV in the living room of the house. These are ass shots, so the head of a donkey is blocking them for us] Wow.

Oan: Oh, we just have to stop and examine this shot.

Oan [v/o]: There’s a young, blonde, middle-class girl who’s playing with Barbies while she’s watching women’s bikini-clad asses parading across her television.

Oan: If you listen closely, you can hear thousands of Women’s Studies majors booing and hissing right now.

Oan [v/o]: Anyway, Shawn has come to say “Hi” to his girlfriend’s mom. [Shawn lays in front of her as Rhonda, the mother, continues folding laundry in the bedroom. He eventually lays against the mattress and casually asks her:]

Shawn: Can I eat you out?

Oan: [after a few beats, looking unimpressed] Now, I understand it’s become a bit of a cliché to insert footage of a famously quotable movie scene, right after a character has said a line remarkably similar to said footage. Uh, the thing is… I’ve already been accused of being a Cinema Snob ripoff. Plus, I use the episode template used by The Nostalgia Critic, which has since been re-appropriated by Phelous, Film Brain, Obscurus Lupa, The Nostalgia Chick, um, MikeJ, at least one episode of Familiar Faces, and… pretty much every other reviewer on these forums. So I don’t want to seem any more original than I already am. [beat] But when a character says a line as out of place and tactless as this…

Shawn: Can I eat you out?

Oan:every molecule of my body commands me to respond with this:

Cut to a scene from Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, where John Barrowman’s character tries to hit on Jenny McShane’s character at a marina.

Ben Carpenter [Barrowman]: You know, I’m really wired. What do you say I… take you home and eat your pussy?

Oan: [rubbing his temples and speechless] I’m so uninspired.

We cut to Claude’s introduction.

Peaches [v/o]: He tries to act tough; but, deep down inside, he’s a soft teddy bear.

Oan [v/o]: A lanky, big-eared, hairless teddy bear [cut to him flexing his muscles] with an IQ lower than his age. [we see he’s actually spotting his father, who’s weightlifting in the family yard] Claude is a kid who’s really big into skateboarding and looking at shiny things. He’s the son of that guy from Prison Break [Wade Williams plays the dad]. The father is unemployed, and he’s proud of his ability to [as we see father looking in the cracked mirror, lifting weights in each hand] move things up and down in the air multiple times, turning his body into a giant mass of ugly, sweaty flesh.

Claude’s Father: Well, you know why your mother married me?

Claude: Why?

Claude’s Father: ‘Cause I got muscles. [he flexes his right arm]

Oan [v/o]: [as Claude’s father] “I also got a pot belly and a head that looks like an Olmec statue. Shirley loves that.”

Oan: Their relationship is that the elder believes the younger to be insufficiently masculine.

Claude’s Father: Ya got a girlfriend?

Claude: Not a girlfriend. I see some girls, though.

Claude’s Father: You fuckin’ those girls?

Oan [v/o]: [as Claude] “A gentleman doesn’t tell, sir.”

We cut to Peaches’ introduction.

Tate [v/o]: Peaches has the nicest peach smell about her. She’s a real woman. Her mom died when she was a little girl. She looks just like her. Sometimes, she would let us watch her get undressed.

We cut to inside Peaches’ home, where her dad sits on a plastic-covered couch.

Oan [v/o]: Okay, Peaches lets boys see her naked; and her first scene references The Whore of Babylon. [her dad is reading The Bible. Actually, with a magnifying glass, he’s looking at Revelation 17:5] Her father is a weird man of indeterminate nationality who clearly loves “The Jesus.”

Oan: You can probably already guess where this story is going. Also: [as we see close-ups of Peaches] young, Asian-American woman portrayed as hypersexual in a film written and directed by white men? [back to Oan] Progressive, movie.

Cut to Full Metal Jacket, as we see that famous streetwalker scene:

Da Nang Hooker: Me so horny! Me love you long time!

Now, we see Tate’s introduction.

Shawn [v/o]: In the 7th grade, Tate used to spit on girls and make his friends laugh.

Oan [v/o]: [as we see a headshot of Tate with a marker in his mouth in his room] Well, Tate is…

Oan: [wondering aloud] Isn’t that Ziggy Sobotka from The Wire? How much you wanna bet he takes out his wang here, too?

Cut to The Wire, where Ziggy… does what Oan says.

Ziggy: Who says they don’t make ‘em like they used to? [he says something intelligible as he exposes himself to the patrons… and to their disgust. His wang is blocked by the CD cover of one of Wang Chung‘s Greatest Hits CDs]

Oan: So… what’s he like?

Tate: Skinny Billy. [he says this while drawing what appears to be a starving child in a book at his desk in his room. His three-legged dog barks at him a few times. Tate reacts by apparently punching the dog] Shut up. I will fucking rip it off, I swear to God!

Tate’s Grandmother: [who has come into his room with a plate of fruit; she‘s in a lime-green bathrobe] I brought you some fruit. I thought you might be hungry.

Tate: How about this?! [he angrily grabs the cherries off the plate and throws them on the floor] Get the fuck out of my room, you fucking bitch! [he shoos Grandma away while she stammers and the dog resumes barking]

Oan: [long pause] So… the dramatis personae for this film are: Sean, the brother-slapping mouth-breather; Claude, the skateboarding meathead; Peaches, the worst Asian-American role model possible; and Tate, the Granny-hatin’, dog-abusing sociopath who mocks starving Ethiopians in his spare time. [quick shot of the photo of the kids on the bed from before] Guys You Knew In High School Shop Class: The Motion Picture.

Oan [v/o]: [back to that photo as we get a quick close-up of all four people individually] The meat of the film is cut in-between the stories of these four characters in turn. Well, they’re not so much stories as they are series of events.

Oan: So let’s see what Sean’s up to.

Sean is sitting on the bed, while Rhonda takes off his shirt. Quick cut of Oan looking a bit shocked. Back to the bedroom, where she lays him down on the bed - he’s apparently just in his briefs, BTW.

Oan: [thinking that this may be a joke] Wait.

Cut to the bedroom, where Sean is now taking off her jeans.

Oan: This is a dream sequence.

No, it’s not. Because Sean is doing what you think he is. Thankfully, there’s an EAT AT JOE’S sign that blocks said action from us.

Oan: [almost getting desperate] It has to be.

Oan [v/o]: This slack-jawed idiot is fantasizing about having sex with the hot blonde [who’s now naked because her breasts have been covered in post by two balloons], and this is just the visualization of his fantasy. [oh, yeah, he’s also naked, except for socks; cut to the poster of the film] The fact that it’s on the poster is just a coincidence.

Oan: [trying to belive this is still true] Right? Right.

Oan [v/o]: [as the sex scene continues] It’s symbolic of adolescent fantasy and a portrayal of the impossible expectations young men have of adult sexual behavior.

Oan: After all…in real life, there’s no way that [inter-cut of the sex scene] this wheezy little piss-ant can get his oily head between the shapely legs of a beautiful blonde quietly entering the subtle allure of early middle age.

Oan [v/o]: [as we sees them both hugging each other, naked on the bed] And… he wakes up! He… wakes up! [the film cuts to Claude in his home]

Oan: I’m going to assume that cut symbolized him waking up. [hint, Oan: he didn’t]

Oan [v/o]: In Story 2, we see Claude at home, clipping the toenails of his mother, Amanda Plummer. Ya know, this woman:

We cut to Pulp Fiction, just as the diner robbery begins:


Oan: She’s the nice parent.

Back outside Claude’s home, his father smashes his skateboard in half with his foot. Claude is distraught and later starts to argue with him.

Claude’s Father: Listen, I don’t want you to see that fucking thing anymore. You look like a fucking piece of shit on it.

Oan [v/o]: [as Claude‘s Father] “Your pointless time-wasting hobby is inferior to MY pointless time-wasting hobby!” [normal voice as we cut to inside the Peaches family dining room, where she and her father have a guest. They pray together and begin to eat] In Story 3, we see Peaches introducing her father to her boyfriend named Curtis. Peaches, as we were told earlier, looks like her deceased mother; and her father really loves her and raises her in that branch of Christianity which can only flourish in the dampest, darkest corners of American civilization. Like a fungus.

Oan: And the whole thing’s kind of like when you were out with your absurdly-religious cousins. You know, eating crappy food in their backwater town… you know, talking about oral surgery and… wait, what?

Peaches: Tante, that reminds me when you used to have that little point hanging from your tongue.

Peaches’ Father: Oh, that little thing that looked like a… [chuckles as he holds up his right hand and points with his forefinger and index finger; he turns and does the same to Curtis] The head of my tongue looked like a…like a, um… like a serpent’s tongue.

Peaches: It had, like, a pitchfork at the end of it.

Oan: All my sympathy goes to Curtis right now. Also, you notice how the guy had a forked tongue? [cut to a zoom-in on a drawing of some kind of creature with a forked tongue. I don’t know what it is; ask Kyle] Some nice, subtle symbolism from Mr. Clark there.

Oan [v/o]: And in another scene from the People Sitting Around The Table And Making Small Talk family, we see Tate and his grandparents playing Scrabble.

Tate’s Grandfather: Huh, I’ve got… [he starts laying down tiles on the board]

Tate’s Grandmother: [reading the tiles out] S… I… P… I.

Tate: “Sipi”? That’s not a word. What’s a “sipi”?

Oan: [as the dialogue continues in the background] Well, to be fair, it actually is a word. It means “copy.” …In Tagalog.

Tate: You know what, Gramps? You’re a bullshit artist!

Oan: [rubbing his temples] Oh, all right, no more him. What’s that Thom Yorke-looking kid doing?

He’s watching a naked Rhonda dry herself off in the shower; more balloon and ass pictures, too.

Oan [v/o]: Wow, they’re really running with this dream sequence. I mean, at this point in my fantasies about sex with model-hot women, I’ve already moved on to discovering hidden superpowers and beating up third-world dictators.

Oan: [resting his face on his hand, he’s resigned to the fact that…] This really happened, didn’t it? He slept with the hot blonde with plastic tits.

Oan [v/o]: Yeah, you can’t see it, but she’s definitely had work done. She’s his fake plastic love, and she wears him out. She wears him out.

And cue the requisite clip of Radiohead’s “Fake Plastic Trees” video:

Thom Yorke: [singing] It wears him out…

Oan: Now… [he comes to a sudden realization] oh, wait a minute. I just remembered. This is his girlfriend’s mother. I mean, this kid is cheating on his girlfriend with her mother! She’s okay with this?!

As the two lie together on the bed…

Shawn: You know, you make the same noises in bed.

Mom: What else?

Shawn: You have the same pussy smell.

Mom: We do?

Oan: You know, I’ve been trying to put my finger on what this feels like. Um… [rubbing his temple again]

Oan [v/o]: [as we see Claude’s parents on the couch, he with beer in hand] Let’s see: small American town below the poverty line, lot of sex, abysmal familial relationship, [quick cut of Claude talking at a hangout with his friends] people with double-digit I.Q.s who use the work “fuck” as a punctuation mark… [as we see Shawn take a bong hit]

Claude: Flipped it over and fuckin’ stabbed it. With his foot, motherfucker.

Oan: The whole thing feels like, I don’t know…

An episode of Jerry Springer? Like the one Claude’s parents are watching on the TV?

Man on Jerry: You cheatin’ with me with a [bleep]?

Audience: OHHH!!!!

Woman on Jerry: So?

Oan [v/o]: Well, thanks, Ken Park! That really went above me. Meanwhile…

Peaches’ father is at the grave of his wife as he opens up his daughter‘s report card.

Peaches’ Father: She got five ‘A’s and one ‘B+.’ She’s such a good girl.

Oan [v/o]: Meaner-while… [we see Peaches in her underwear tying up Curtis to her bed]

Curtis: Not so tight. You’re killing my circulation.

Oan [v/o]: Ah, this is Curtis’ reward for putting up with that oral surgery conversation.

Curtis: [as he stares at her nether-region] Jesus Christ!

Oan [v/o]: [as Peaches' Father, who‘s driving back to his home] “I heard that, Curtis!” [the two kids start having sex with Peaches trying to take off Curtis’ briefs with her teeth - she does, eventually, since we see a superimposed rooster over his… you know; her father unknowingly walks in on them] Okay, now, he embarrassingly walks away, his daughter gets her clothes on, and they have a mature talk about sexual responsibility.

Curtis: Fuck!

Nope. Instead, Dad shoves Peaches to the ground and immediately starts punching Curtis while he’s still tied to the bed.

Curtis: I didn’t do anything!

While this happens, Oan looks embarrassed and shies away from the camera. Once the beating stops, the movie cuts to Tate’s grandparents playing tennis.

Oan [v/o]: Um, don’t ask me where the director gets off cutting from a man beating up a kid tied to a bed to a couple playing tennis, but… he does it. [cut to Tate in his room… in his race-car bed, so you know] So now, Tate has some alone time. Oh, and here’s a nice parallel: his grandparents are playing tennis, and Tate is watching tennis. [chuckles]

Indeed he is. Tate then gets up and pulls down his underwear. Cue the Wang Chung CD obscuration.

Oan: [dejected] Oh, boy.

Tate sits down against the door and reaches for some type of flex-band hanging from his door knob.

Oan [v/o]: Well, at least I won my Ziggy Sobotka wang bet. [Tate then wraps the band around his neck] No, you idiot! That’s how D’Angelo Barksdale died! [cut to a clip from The Wire of said death. Then we see Tate vigorously masturbating. Well, actually, we see a Batman-style “WANK!” caption blocking it]

Oan: [still dejected] Well, this scene is meant to illustrate how lonely the character is and, um… [we see more masturbating; this time, close-up!]

Oan [v/o]: DEAR GOD, is this scene in real time?! Stop that!!

Oan: You’ll go blind! I’ll go blind!

By this point, we see a jar of Hellmann’s mayonnaise covering up the area, so you can deduce what just happened.

Oan [v/o]: Oh, good; he’s finished. Can we please move on to something more tolerable?

We cut to Claude’s father, driving around town with his buddy Murph at night.

Murph: [slurred] The ladies are out tonight… [as he proceeds to drink from a paper-wrapped bottle of… something]

Claude’s Father: Oh, man.

Lady [of the evening]: What’s goin’ on with you?

Murph: [to said lady] How much for a dick suck?

Oan: [still miserable] Isn’t that the “leap to conclusions” guy from Office Space?

It certainly is since we see a clip from said film.

Oan [v/o]: I really don’t need the mental image of this guy getting head, thank you.

Murph: There’s a lady at my work I really want to fuck.

You mean the female temp from Office Space who says this line?

Female Temp: [with the caption ‘Her? Really?‘ and arrow pointing to her] Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!

Murph: Shit. I don’t even mind fuckin’ my wife if she wasn’t so goddamn rich.

Oan [v/o]: Is every single character in the film a loathsome cad?!

Oan: [obviously provoked] Did Governor Schwarzenegger just designate Visalia as a haven for assholes that were too assholian for greater Los Angeles? Is the town built over a hellmouth that attracts people who are less appealing than Richard III? I don’t wanna sound callous, but… I want to see this place become a crater.

We cut to Claude’s father, urinating in his bathroom. Yes, we see it all, even the wee-ing, obscured by a Wii controller.

Oan [v/o]: Yes. director, I will allow myself to be filmed while drinking beer and simultaneously urinating. For the craft.

Oan: I don’t think it can get grosser.

Well… after using the bathroom, Claude’s dad goes up to his son’s room. He sees Claude asleep on the bed. And with a drunken lust in his eye, he starts to approach Claude.

Oan: No.

Dad starts inappropriately touching Claude, who promptly wakes up and kicks him off the bed.

Claude’s Dad: Nobody loves me.

Oan: [looking slightly off-screen] I refuse to comment. That was the most despicable thing I will have ever seen in my l-

We immediately cut to Tate, who’s talking into a micro-cassette recorder in some blue-hued room. Oh, and is that blood all over his face?

Tate: I’ll tell you exactly how I did it.

Oan: Oh, God, he killed the three-legged dog, didn’t he? But I can’t imagine him doing anything worse than that.

We see a naked Tate approach his grandparents in their bed -with rooster pic].

Tate: I was naked, so I wouldn’t get blood on my clothes. [he then stabs his grandpa with a carving knife; Oan is naturally horrified at this]

Grandma: I love you, Tate. I love you, Tate-aah! [she gets stabbed as well]

Oan: [still aghast; he then tries to immediately change the tone] Now, for your viewing pleasure, here’s Andy Kaufman doing a hilarious impression of Woody Allen!

Cut to inside Peaches’ house.

Oan [v/o]: Meaning: we get to see a vaguely-foreign, balding man marry his Asian daughter. [yeah, she’s not happy]

Peaches’ Father: Do you take me to be your honorable husband?

Oan: [pleading] Please cut to something pleasant!

We cut to Shawn and Rhonda and family at their dinner table, talking and eating.

Oan: Oh, this is nice.

Oan [v/o]: [as we hear Simon & Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson” play in the background] At least, it would be nice if we didn’t know that this perfectly decent guy wasn’t dining with the kid who had slept with the majority of the women in the room. And you can just tell he’s aching to make it unanimous. [we cut to a shot of the youngest daughter] He’s running his lazy eyes over that kid, thinking, [in an exaggerated, dumb voice] “When you blossom into womanhood, you shall be mine!” Except, you know, his voice wouldn’t sound as deep as that.

Oan: [growing increasingly downhearted] I can’t take this. I… I can’t immerse myself in this. I need something, anything that can remind me that there is beauty in the world.

We cut to a 1996 UK commercial for UBS. Why? Well, read on…

Sir John Gielgud: Come, my friends. ‘Tis not too late to seek a newer world. [Oan suddenly starts to look more hopeful. We cut back to Gielgud as this caption slowly fades in: ‘Sir John Fucking Gielgud Reading Fucking Tennyson Over The Music Of Gustav Fucking Holst’ - he’s reading from Ulysses as Holst‘s “The Planets: Jupiter” is playing] Push off, and, sitting well in order, smite the sounding furrows; for my purpose holds [the caption starts flashing] to sail beyond the sunset, and the baths of all the western stars, until I die. One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will [caption: PRETENSION NIRVANA] to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. [a white light covers the screen]

Oan: [now looking more faithful] Thanks. I needed that. I mean, there are way fewer naked people surrounding Gielgud the last I saw him, but… That was perfect. Thanks. I… [sighs] I can get through this. The film’s almost over. What else can they show?

We see a naked threesome of Shawn, Claude, and Peaches. Actually, it’s a drawing of Chef from South Park having a simultaneous affair.

Oan: [his mood is obviously different] Gielgud’s not coming back, is he?

Peaches: Do you have to come back? [as the sex scene continues, this caption is plastered over this: ‘ALL PERFORMERS ARE OVER 18 YEARS OF AGE’]

Oan: [v/o] You know, I used to like sex. [cut to him] Now, I’ll never touch another human being again.

Claude: [as the sex continues] Hey, Shawn, have you ever read that book Island of Paradise? It’s about this island where the whole philosophy of the world is set up around having sex. [we see him talking next to a naked Peaches - a bird is concealing her breasts] They sit around all day and just fuck each other. They just fuck all day long and just… fuck, fuck, fuck. That’s all they ever do.

Oan: Why, yes, I think I read that book.

Oan [v/o]: [reading from a mock book cover] “A Cooch-filled and Pleasurable Pork of the Breast State of a Pubic Well, and of the Lewd Isle Called: Bluetopia by Sir John Thomas Whore.” [more scenes of close-up sex blocked by a giant donkey head] STOP THAT!! You could breed!

Oan: This is the last scene, right? I mean, no more terrible characters you want us to get to know?

Obscure shot of the sign for Larry’s Chili Dog and a nearby “stop” sign as we hear:

Shawn [v/o]: Ken Park got his girlfriend pregnant.

Oan: Oh, I… forgot there was a character named Ken Park in the movie called Ken Park.

We see Ken’s girlfriend sitting on a bench. Ken’s next to her.

Ken: Do you wanna keep it?

Ken’s Girlfriend: I don’t know. I don’t wanna be no baby-killer.

Oan: Well, at least, he has a better reason to commit suicide now. [beat] No, wait; that’s a terrible reason. That’s probably the worst reason possible.

Oan [v/o]: Abandoning his girlfriend to a teen pregnancy and single-motherhood is borderline evil.

Ken's Girlfriend: Aren’t you glad your mom didn’t abort you?

Ken pauses for a really long time to think about his answer.

Oan: [rubbing his chin] That was a very full pause there. [suddenly, he realizes:] Wait, the whole movie was an argument for abortion? [another pause] Is it sad that I believe that?

As Ken still contemplates what to do, the movie cuts to black. The credits roll over The Shaggs’ “Who Are Parents?”, thus prompting Oan to make this observation:

Oan [v/o]: And this little annoying cherry on top of my nausea sundae: they give us Kidz Bop covering The Velvet Underground.

Oan: [visibly shaken] You know, when I first started this series… you know, going through all the online critics and seeing them getting worked up over movies like this… I thought it was an act. I-I didn’t know that people could… feel such vitriol against… [after a long pause] This hate, I’ve never known… this kind of hate. Just to be taken through the lives of such despicable people, I… I-I can’t… I can’t do it, I… [he gets up and leaves, distraught over how he feels. We see him move around his apartment, still thinking out loud] I-I had no idea. I… can’t even hope that…

He eventually plops down on a couch and decides to call someone on his cell. Make that “something.”

Diamanda Hagan: What do you want?

Oan: [sounding timid] It’s, uh… it’s Oancitizen.

DH: Oh, yes, young, straight Stephen Fry, but bearded and American.

Oan: Yyyyyeah, that’s me. Um, I was wondering, um… [he then moves to a different room in his apartment, eventually standing in front of a window] I was just wondering how, um…

DH: [v/o] Ask me what you want to ask me. [on-camera] The prisoners won’t just skin themselves. Oh, that’s an idea. “Prisoners skin themselves!”

Oan: [takes a long time before asking:] How many people have you killed?

DH: Oh, none. If I kill them, they’re obviously not people.

Oan: Yeah, um… [finally makes it to the window as he looks outside] Would be willing to do me a favor?

DH: Ah, you want me to prove that someone’s not a person?

Oan: [after a long pause] Yes.

DH: Sure. Who do ya need? Producer, writer, director, editor, Kirk Cameron?

Oan: How ‘bout an entire city?

DH: An entire city?!

Oan: Would that be a problem?

DH: Fuck no! It’s been weeks since I’ve committed a nice bit of urbanocide.

Oan: Oh, okay. It’s, um… it’s, uh… [grabs the coordinates on a piece of paper] Visalia, California. Latitude: 36 degrees, 19’49” N; Longitude: 119 degrees, 17’28” W.

DH: Got it. So what did this town do to you?

Oan: I-I just… I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing a planet with them.

DH: Ah, I know the feeling well.

Oan: I never did.

DH: Oh, don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.

Oan: [sounding desperate again] Oh, wait; don’t go.

DH: What now?

Oan: [another long beat] The hate. Will it ever leave?

DH: Of course not. Hating things is the key to our existence. It’s the lifeblood of our trade. We are reviewers. We review; therefore, we hate. They hurt us; we hurt them back. It’s entirely rational. Now, doesn’t that hate make you feel alive?

Oan: [unsure how to react] …I… I can’t say.

DH: Oh, acquire some balls. [she hangs up and looks off-screen right] Winston, cut off your balls; send them to Oancitizen.

Oan then closes his phone, looking sad all the while, walks back to his nook, and then searches his DVD collection to find 'The Godfather' collection. He takes the first disc out of the case - with the 1972 original, puts it in his DVD player, starts to play it, and sits back in his chair with DVD remote in hand. We hear the familiar Godfather theme playing and see the movie starting, after the Paramount and movie title cards. Oan looks on intently, trying to find some peace, as the scene where Connie Corleone’s son is christened begins, making Michael Corleone the godfather - see where the title came from? Ha! Meanwhile, in Haganistan…

DH: [addressing her soldier minion] I want you to nuke every city called “Vasilly” on the planet; I can’t be bothered remembering which one he wants destroyed.

Soldier: Mistress, the capital of Haganistan is Vasilia. [actually “Visalia,” but why mince words now?]

DH: I know. Killing is killing. Oh, and don’t tell the Imperial family. [to the camera] It’ll be a nice surprise for them. [she smiles]

The soldier salutes Hagan and proceeds to begin the course of action. Meanwhile, Oan is still watching the christening scene. We cut to a replay of the ugly threesome sex scene. Thanks to editing, the screen turns white. The kids have been obliterated by a nuclear blast delivered by Hagan. Oan still is watching The Godfather. We cut to a naked bloody Tate in his bed; he gets destroyed by a bomb. More of The Godfather. Peaches’ father: gone. Claude’s parents: annihilated. Kyle almost shows some remorse while still watching the christening. The girlfriend’s family on their porch: wiped out as well. Still more Godfather as we see a somewhat-high-angle shot of Kyle almost ready to cry. All those kids who gather at Ken Park’s lifeless body: decimated. It appears Kyle actually sheds a tear in close-up as the baby is finally baptized. We then see the simulated Armageddon that falls on the town of Visalia, California [actually, the Hiroshima atomic blast, but still…]

Priest [Godfather]: Go in peace, and may the Lord be with you. Amen. [the scene ends as we see Oan in close-up addressing us]

Oan: For Brows Held High… [he almost starts to cry again]

One final blast as the entrance of Visalia is wiped out.

Credits roll to "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast.


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