And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Kickassia."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Does Kickassia salute) Hoo! Hoo! Spoilers.
There's this guy called the Nostalgima Critic.
Who is even like a more high-pitched Sam Kinison.
Who dreams of owning his own nation!
I owned my own nation once!
Or at least I...marked it with my urine.
So he plans on taking over the nation of Molossia!
Except that place already has a president.
His name is Kevin Baugh.
Boy, that's a weird name, isn't it?
Sounds like a sheep who has his own talk show.
"I'm Kevin (baa sound)!"
So the Nostalgima Critic gets all his Internet buddies together, and they rush towards the nation!
(Runs across screen, screaming)
But, unfortunately, he has a gun.
(Runs back across screen, screaming)
But the rest of them get guns too, and they have this huge, epic battle!
(mimes explosions) Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom!
And I was in the attack!
And I want you to know that I got top billing!
That is, they billed me first for the money I paid to get on the set.
I told you that change would be put to good use!
And the Nostalgima Critic is dressed up like a giant red pincushion.
And he's like, "Hand over the country, Mr. Baugh!"
"I'm not Baugh. I'm Fritz!"
"Well, can we still have the country?"
So the Nostalgima Critic takes over all of Molossia.
Except he calls it Kickassia!
The only downside is he's a douche.
"All of you do this, all of you do that, while I just complain and watch TV!"
Sounds like most political commentators.
And the Nostalgia Chick sort of looks like that one politician.
The dim one who always wants attention.
So everyone hates the way the country is being run.
And so this guy called the Cinema Snob is gonna do something about it!
(Imitates the Snob) "I don't like the way this country is being run. I want you to stop."
"Only until you stop talking like Jack Nicholson!"
"Then you're banished!"
So Cinema Snob is banished from Kickassia.
So they decide to summon Dr. Insano!
Who also happens to be Spoony!
Which is weird, 'cause I've seen them talk to each other before.
But to quote Linkara, "It's magic, bitch!"
So Dr. Insano tries to go in and stop the Nostalgima Critic.
(Jumps up) A-ha!
But the Nostalgima Critic wins.
(Gets punched and falls down)
But then Santa Christ comes in...for some reason!
But the Nostalgima Critic kills him!
"Ho ho--" (Is shot and falls down)
So the rest of the team decides there's only one thing to do.
"Linkara, put on your strangest Patton impression!" (Imitates Patton)
And then we get this quick cameo of Board James explaining how to play Risk.
Which is more exciting than actually playing Risk.
As Linkara comes up with a brilliant, fool-proof strategy.
Shoot at him! (Mimes firing gun; runs offscreen screaming)
So everybody takes down the Nostalgima Critic.
But everyone else starts fighting over who should be in charge by who can do the best impression!
(As Nostalgia Chick) "I can do the best Rob Blagojevich!"
(As Cinema Snob) "I can do the best Jack Nicholson!"
(As Linkara) "I can do the best Kirk Douglas!"
But then Santa Christ appears.
Why? Because he has risen from the grave!
(gasps) He's a Santa zombie!
He's Zombie Christ!
I was a zombie Christ once!
So Santa Christ looks at all the people and is like, "Stop it!"
So the Nostalgima Critic gives the nation back to Kevin Baugh, everybody walks away looking really sad, and he shoots the narrator who sounds like Mako's British cousin.
So "Kickassia" was a really great two-year anniversary.
And we at ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com hope to make many more in the future.
But there's only one way we can make that happen. ...CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, don't you wanna see us invade a smaller country? Next year I hear they're taking over Rhode Island.