Kickassia Part 3
May 19th, 2010
Kickassia Part 3: Inglorious Glory
The video opens up in an old 1940s newsreel style as we see Chris Larios from Transmission Awesome news. Voiceover as Kickassia is shown.
Chris Larios: Dateline Kickassia! Year one of the new Critic Imperium. Confidence is high as this new and proud nation works long and hard to establish its new government.
Cut to Chris Larios standing in front of Kickassia.
Chris Larios: I'm Chris Larios for Transmission Awesome news here today in the nation formally known as Molossia but now as of recent known as Kickassia.
Cut to Lee, Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey performing jumping jacks.
Chris Larios: Though it is not easy to establish a government from the ground up, Kickassia is fortunate to have hard working individuals making their regime stable. *As Chris speaks, the scenes cut to MarzGurl in a military uniform, and later the camera pans across several Kickassian citizens*
Cut to Chris interviewing LordKat.
Chris Larios: And here's one of them now. LordKat, recently appointed Minister of Trade. Tell me, new Minister, what does your new job exactly entail?
LordKat: I have a lot of video games I can trade. From NES *Shows Blades of Steel* Some Super Nintendo to Sega Genesis and we're hoping we can trade them to other nations. *Shows Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles* For goods and valuables.
Chris Larios: So, you really think other nations will trade goods and valuables just for video games?
LordKat: Oh, sure. China would sell twenty percent of its military just for a copy of Marble Madness. *shows Marble Madness.* I guess it's pretty rare down there.
Cut to Angry Joe patrolling Kickassia with his gun.
Chris Larios: Of course military forces aren't a major concern in Kickassia, Secretary of Defense Angry Joe assures the public that everything is well protected.
Chris talks to Joe.
Joe: It's true that we're a small nation and are therefore more prone to attack. But, we have a good cuts to MarzGurl in a military uniform talking to the troopa. Drill Sargent who knows how to keep up the men's morale.
MarzGurl: Stand up straight! *punches Paw* Tuck in your shirt! *punches Film Brain* Stop being so tall! *punches Handsome Tom*.
MarzGurl Faces 8 Bit Mickey.
MarzGurl: Did you say something?
8 Bit Mickey: *nervous* Oh, God. no. I'm deathly afraid of you!
MarzGurl looks up and then punches him as we cut back to Joe and Chris.
Chris Larios: Looks like a solid team you've got there.
Joe: Yes, indeed.
Chris Larios: However, there've been a few reports that you're acting a little gun crazy.
Joe: WHO SAID THAT?! *shoots cameraman and then a test pattern appears.*
Cut to Benzaie flipping through a folder.
Chris Larios: But, an invasion seems unlikely thanks to good relations kept by the Head of Immigration, Benzaie.
Cut to Benzaie on the phone.
Benzaie: What do you mean you can't understand me? I'm French. It's the language of love! If you can't understand me, then you can't understand love! *pause* Hold on, let me confer you to my second in command. *hands phone to Beary*.
Beary: Hey! You think you got it rough?! I had two bombs tied to my body and was blown into two separate pieces. There's not enough stitches in the world to cover the emotional pain I'm going through. *Hangs up.* Prick.
Cut to Chris Larios talking with Cinema Snob.
Chris Larios: Every nation needs a treasurer and Kickassia has The Cinema Snob, who I understand also designed the flag for Kickassia. True?
Brad: It is, Chris. And for a nation like Kickassia, I figured that we really needed a real kick-ass flag.
Brad reveals the flag.
Brad: That's why I came up with a musclebound iced cream cone carrying machine guns and shooting laser beams out his eyes. Because when people look at that, all they can say is "KICK ASS!".
Chris Larios: Well, it looks like you guys don't have a flagpole yet.
Brad: Well, we weren't exactly sure how to get their flag down and ours up. So, we're just using Handsome Tom as our flagpole.
Cut to Handsome Tom atop a building and holding the flag.
Chris: I must say. He doesn't look very happy.
Brad: *cut to Tom's face as he sighs.* He's not, Chris. *Chris chuckles.* He's definitely not.
Cut to Molossian citizens saluting the flag.
Cut to Chris talking to Lee. Lee is obviously ignoring him as he explores being 3D.
Chris Larios: And there's also the concern of preserving nature. But, no worries, as Lee from Still Gaming has taken over as head of the Environmental Protection Agency. *Lee looks at his hands in amazement.* Tell me, Lee, what is your plan for saving all the cute little bunnies?
Lee: I'm sorry. I'm just still getting over the fact that I'm three dimensional. *waves arms around* I can move with fluid motion! I can touch. *touches his face* I can feel. *touches Chris's face* This is what I've been missing all this time. *gets uncomfortably close to Chris*
Chris Larios: And there are others looking out for the well-being of Kickassia.
Lee: You feel beautiful!
Cut to Bennett looking at a clipboard.
Chris Larios: Take Sage for example. He is making sure everyone is in good shape acting as *he taps his chin with his uzi.* Kickassia's Surgeon General.
Bennett: In my short time as Surgeon General here in Kickassia, I've made two amazing medical discoveries. One: When holding an uzi *holds up uzi*, you will not die.
Chris Larios: Really? And How does that work exactly?
Bennett: I'm holding one and I'm alive. Science proven. *looks at clipboard* Secondly, our research has shown that dieting and exercise does *not* help build healthy bodies. So, that's why I have encouraged everyone here to start smoking.
Cut to Kickassian citizens smoking and choking. JewWario collapses.
Bennett: Studies show that smoking does well to strengthen the body and prevent cancer, especially pregnant women.
Chris Larios: Your studies show that?
Bennett: Oh yes. Right here on this *looks at upside down clipboard* chart? *turns it over* Hmm. Heh. What do ya know? *chuckles* I had this darn thing upside down. Oh. That's hilarious.
Cuts to Paw as a shock jock.
Chris Larios: But, not everyone in Kickassia is questionably insane. Take for example, Paw, the local shockjock radio DJ.
Paw: *shouts in angry tone* And while the bigwigs are up on the hill with their fancy hats and their capes, look down at the small people, with oppression, with taxation, with sexual repression, don't even get me started on the sexual repression! Take a stand people! Oppose the big people with the fancy fucking hats!
Chris Larios: So, what exactly about the Kickassian government bothers you so?
Paw: Well, nothing really. It's just that people agree with angry hosts on the radio, it makes them feel better about themselves. So, in my own way. I'm helping the people's morale. *Chris looks towards camera and shifts his eyes awkwardly, as if to question how that would work.*
Cuts to Spoony working in the field.
Chris Larios: Another person keeping up the morale is Spoony who is now head officer for science and technology.
Spoony: Yeah, at first we didn't have much in the science department. In fact, the original space program was just *shows a pump rocket launching* a stomp rocket. But, I'm certain we can get things to a more legitimate level.
Chris Larios: Hey! Weren't you that crazy scientist before?
Spoony: Uh...I...I...I don't know what you're talking about.
Chris Larios: Yeah. You wore the goggles. Th-
Spoony: *grabs Chris* NO! *lets go* I mean...I was before, but, *turns around* that was the past.
Chris Larios: Well there is someone in this nation that still does well to keep order and justice in hand.
Cuts to Chris and Linkara talking.
Chris Larios: This is Linkara. Head of the FBI. *turns to Linkara, who is surveying the area.* Tell me, Linkara, what are you going to do to keep this nation safe?
Linkara: Well, it's all about surprise to fool our enemy. We are trying to find those who are best able to blend into their environment. For example, *steps back* We have discovered that JewWario *motions to the air next to him* here has a natural talent for camouflage. *turns to Chris and looks back.* Isn't that right, JewWario?
Chris Larios: But, do you really think stealth and surprise are going to be enough to keep your enemies on their toes?
Linkara: Oh, yes. It's all about illusion. For example, I'm not even in front of you.
Cut to Chris holding the mic out and Linkara's behind him. Chris then turns around, startled.
Chris Larios: Oh! Very good. *Linkara walks off, happy.* Well, we all know what goes on outside the government building. Let's see what goes on inside the government building. *He extends his arm and hits JewWario.*
Chris Larios: Sorry!
Cut to Phelous and Chris, talking.
Chris Larios: This is Secretary of State Phelous. Tell me, Phelous, what does a normal day entail for you?
Phelous: Well, mostly I come up with brilliant ideas and The Nostalgia Critic then slaps me and claims them as his own. *Scene of NC slapping Phelous after bringing him an idea.*
Chris Larios: Does that pay well?
Phelous: No. But, it sure does hurt a lot.
Cuts to Chris talking to Lindsay as the camera pans up to her dressed exactly like Sarah Palin.
Chris Larios: But behind every great man is a woman. And presumably behind her another man. But in the case of the Nostalgia Chick, that is not so.
NChick *speaking like Palin*: Well, he is a maverick to say the least. No matter what his decision might be, and whatever we disagree on. I still stand right by him.
Chris Larios: On what issues do you disagree with?
NChick: Well, like our foreign policy experience with Nevada.
Chris Larios: You. *points at N-chick* You have had foreign policy experience with Nevada?
NChick: You betcha. *smiles and points at Chris*
Chris Larios: *in questioning tone as he raises his eyebrow at her* In what way?
NChick: Well, if you look right outside. Nevada is right out there. You can see it from here.
Chris Larios: *looks at her awkwardly, then the camera, then back at her* Indeed. And where do you guys get your information on current events? Do you read the papers or-
NChick: Yes, I-that's it. I read the papers.
Chris Larios: *with raised eyebrow* Which ones?
NChick: *hesitant* All of them *pauses* ish.
Chris Larios: *looks at camera and back at N-Chick* Well, there's also talk that Nostalgia Critic wants to push for more regulation and you want less. In which way does he want more that you haven't agreed with?
NChick: Oh *hesitant* You know.
Chris Larios: Actually, no. I don't.
NChick: Well, when I find an answer, I'll get right back to ya. *smiles*
Chris Larios: And finally, in the past you have been known as a smart, edgy, opinionated woman. But, recently you've been labeled *holds up paper* "an idiotic, dumb Ox, that is playing naive and innocent in order to sneak into the president seat." *places paper down* What's your opinion on that?
NChick: *downtrodden* This world is filled with cruel, cold-hearted people. They don't maintain the same standard of niceness that I try to maintain. Am I not nice?
Chris Larios: Yes, you are very nice.
NChick: So, why would they say such a thing?
Chris Larios: *hold up paper again* Probably the idiotic, dumb Ox part I just mentioned.
NChick: I would presume that it's because I'm a woman. *points to self* And prejudice is alive and well in this world.
Chris Larios: But, MarzGurl is a woman.
NChick: *snickers* Sure she is and I'm the tooth fairy.
Cut to Chris standing with NC.
Chris Larios: And now for the moment you've all been waiting for! An interview with the man himself! The man who made Kickassia possible! President Nostalgia Critic!
NC, who is speaking in an over the top voice: GREETINGS, Chris!
Chris Larios: Mr. Critic, what are your plans now for this new, glorious nation?
NC: Well, first, we plan on taking over the neighbors down the street. We've *leans* sent them pamphlets. Then, we plan on taking over Nevada. America. And then the world.
Chris Larios: Ah. And how do you plan on accomplishing this exactly?
NC: A gentleman never tells. But, I can give you a hint! It involves *leans* killing.
Chris Larios: Indeed. Mr Critic, what about the fact that you keep the old president of this country alive and working for you? *points to Fritz von Baugh working on something.*
NC: Oh. Ho. That's not the president! That's Fritz von Baugh, Minister of Keeping Things Orderly. *Chris shakes his head.* I don't know. I'm just going with it.
Chris Larios: Well, thank you very much for your time, Mr. Critic.
NC: Not at all, Chris. *he turns to walk away*.
Chris Larios: OH! And one more thing! Mr. Critic, would you say your diabolical plan is to take over the world?
NC: *dramatic turn* NATURALLY!
Chris Larios: *looks down* Well, then would you say your plan is to one day conquer the galaxy?
NC: *dramatic turn* EVENTUALLY!
Chris Larios: *looks at his notes again and scratches his head.* OH! Mr. Critic, do you plan on some day being bigger than God?
NC: *dramatic turn* Of...that question you can definitely say yes.
Chris Larios: *looks away, annoyed and gets an idea.* Say, Critic, do you get a lot of pussy with that outfit?
NC: *dramatic turn* OF COURSE!
Chris Larios: *relieved* Thank you. This has been Chris Larios reporting from Kickassia.
Scene changes to the Kickassian Flag overlayed with NChick firing a gun. We also cut to Brad talking to NC as he is watching TV.
Brad: I gotta say Critic, our financial situation isn't looking good. Of the money we have left, it doesn't look like we're going to be able to accomplish nearly what we had in mind.
NC: *turns to Brad* Quiet! Can't you see I am watching Hogan's Heroes?
Brad: But, Critic, this is important stuff. We-
NC: SILENCE! I have a new rule! Every day at four o'clock PM *quick shot of Brad, annoyed* shall be Hogan's Heroes time and everyone shuts up and watches Hogan's Heroes. All those in favor say AYE! AYE! Motion passes. Go away.
Brad: Fine. But, don't come to me when-*pause* You know what? Just don't come to me. *he walks off*.
Phelous: Excuse me, Critic. I couldn't help but overhear you're having trouble with our financial situation.
NC: *in bored tone* Is this Hogan's Heroes related?
Phelous: I just thought it would be a good idea to start charging for tourism. You know, T-shirts, postcards, and such.
NC: Nah, that's stupid.
Phelous': *sarcastically* Oh, okay then. *silently counts down from three on his fingers, pointing at NC as soon as he says...*
NC: Wait! *raises hand* I have an idea!
Phelous: *sarcastic tone* What could that be? *puts hands to his face and looks shocked*
NC: To increase our financial status, we shall charge for tourism. T-shirts, postcards. Think of it, Phelous.
Phelous: I already have.
NC: Then make it so. I have spoken.
Phelous: *rolls eyes and walks off*
Cut to Phelous and Fritz talking.
Fritz Von Baugh: Why do you let him take your ideas like that?
Phelous: I don't know, because he's the president and stuff.
Fritz Von Baugh: Well, wouldn't you want to know what's that like?
Phelous: Hmph, yeah sure.
Fritz Von Baugh: Wouldn't you? *walks away*
Phelous: *looks at camera in dramatic pose*
Cut to Film Brain talking to NC. He's over the couch as NC continues to watch TV.
Film Brain: The plans for your rocket chair are in, sir!
NC: Excellent! Do they have the little beer holders on the sides?
Film Brain: *shakes head* Sure do.
Film Brain rushes around and sits next to Critic, smiling.
Film Brain: Hey, Nostalgia Critic, We're pals, right? Huh? Huh? We're pals. *rubs hands.*
NC: Yes, Film Brain! We are indeed pals!
Film Brain: Yes. *rubs hands* Because, this is what pals do right? Sit on sofas and watch Hogan's Heroes and stuff, right?
NC: The things you have just said are true.
Film Brain: Say. I was thinking. In my next movie review. Would you ah like to do a cameo and-
NC: Film reviews? *holds up hand* We do not do film reviews any more!
Film Brain: We don't? *is unsure.* Well, umm, what do we do? NC: We sit back! And acknowledge the fact that we have our own nation!
Film Brain: Oh. How long are we doing that for?
NC: *turns to Film Brain* Forever, Film Brain. Forever. *voice echoed.*
Film Brain: *is shocked.* Oh. Say, do you ever get tired of doing that voice?
NC: Nonsense! This is the voice of the Gods! A voice that demands honor and justice everywhere he g-*voices changes to normal.* A little bit. Yeah. *Film Brain shakes his head*
Cut to Cinema Snob going over paperwork. Benzaie enters
Benzaie: Cinema Snob! What's up? *he sits down.*
Cinema Snob: *annoyed voice* Ugh. These stupid finances. We've got no money because Nostalgia DICKLESS over there won't do anything.
Benzaie: Well, I'm sure he's building up to something.
Cinema Snob: *annoyed* Pfft. Like what? Watching more Hogan's Heroes?
Benzaie: No, I think at five Full House comes on.
Cinema Snob': But that's what I mean. He does nothing. It's like the job of the president is to be removed from reality while everyone else does the work.
Benzaie: Yeah. I imagine that.
Fritz Von Baugh walks in.
Fritz Von Baugh: If that was the case, why don't you be in charge?
Cinema Snob: What?
Fritz Von Baugh: I'm just saying. You know you are more qualified, why couldn't you be president? Hey I'm just thinking out loud. I'm sure both know what you're doing.
He leaves, leaving Snob and Benzaie to ponder and look at the ceiling. The scene shifts to Linkara and military force.
Linkara: *paces back and forth in front of line of 8-bit Mickey, Lee, and Jew Wario* Alright men, you make wonderful agents as well as soldiers. But today we're going to teach you the element of surprise. *slaps Jew Wario in the face* Surprise!
JewWario: *hits back*
Linkara: *points at him* You're learning.
Angry Joe: *walks up to him* So, Linkara. How goes it? *MarzGurl walks in.*
Linkara: Pretty well. I was just teaching these men the element of surprise.
MarzGurl: Have you punched them yet?
Linkara: After lunch.
Some paper falls down and lands near Linkara's foot.
Angry Joe: Hey Linkara, What's that on your leg?
Linkara: *looks down with Angry Joe and Marzgurl, before picking up the paper* It's a receipt- *looks surprised and sounds confused* for twenty tons of dynamite?
Angry Joe: Who-
Marz: Signed for it?
Linkara: *looks over receipt/paper* The Nostalgia Critic.
Camera zooms in on Linkara as far off, Fritz von Baugh watches them.
MarzGurl: What's he doing getting dynamite?
Linkara: I don't know, but it can't be good.
Angry Joe: We have to tell somebody about this.
Jew Wario: You mean like the Nostalgia Critic?
Fritz von Baugh walks away.