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Kickassia Part 4
May 20th, 2010
Kickassia Part 4: The Beginning of the End of the Beginning
Scene: NChick is in the kitchen and goes to talk to NC, who is of course watching television.
NChick: How 'bout I make you some tea there, Mr. President?
NC *talking normally*: Why, yes, Mrs. Vice President. That'd be wonderful.
NChick nods and goes into the kitchen and grabs some tea and poison to kill NC while he talks.
NC: You know, I don't know why the press picks on you so much. You seem like the nicest person to me. And we all know nice people make the perfect politicians. Just look at Carter! I mean, you're so good at making people feel at home.
Nchick smiles and walks over with the tea.
NC (continued): Lowering their defenses. Making them feel like they have nothing to worry about. *takes tea*.
NChick: Indeed. You gonna drink your tea there.
NC: Oh this, of course. *Raises cup to his mouth, then stops and sniffs it* Say, ummm. Is it me or does this tea smell a little umm, poisony?
NChick: Oh, it's just an herbal fusion. Drink your tea, honey. *smiles*
NC: Oh, of course. *raises cup to drink*
Cinema Snob: Hey Critic, there's something you oughta-
NChick raises an arm to him and pushes him back.
NC: *Pauses and looks at cup* Can I get some cream in my tea?
NChick: Cream just makes your penis smaller. Now drink your tea. *smiles*
While NC and NChick continue to talk, Angry Joe tabs Snob on the shoulder. Then whispers into his ear. After a few seconds of whispering, the two leave the kitchen.
NC: Yeah, but..I just don't feel like it's tea without cream really.
NChick: Yeah, but you don't know what they put in that cream. They put all sorts of hormones and antibiotics in it.
NC: Yeah but that just makes me like it more. It's just cream a big different for me.
NChick: *smile fades* Fine, I'll put the damn cream in it. She takes the tea from NC then scuffs into the kitchen where she curses vehemently under her breath while putting cream into the tea, then returns.
NChick: Here's your tea. *gives cup back to NC*
NC: Awww, thank you so much hun.
NChick: *through gritted teeth* Just drink it.
NC: Oh. *chuckles lightly, then raises the cup to his mouth, before stopping* Oh, wait a minute. That's right, I can't stand tea. *puts cup down* Why don't you get me a candy bar while you're up?
NChick: *pauses then smiles* You betcha.
NC: I tell ya, I'm so lucky to have a vice president like you.
NChick moves behind the coach and tries to clip a gun.
NC (continued):You know, not every vice president will get their president tea. You know what I mean- *turns to see NChick, who hides the gun* I mean there's just some people that can help you in a real tight spot. I mean a real tight spot. *turns to NChick again, who hides the gun*I mean some people just don't get how- *turns around and sees NChick with a gun*
NChick: *dances away with the gun*
NC: *laughs* She's so quirky.
Camera cuts away to TGWTG reviewers crammed in a hotel room
Sage: *sarcastic tone* Boy, it's so great to be back here in this crowded, cramped hotel room again. I wonder if it's still impossible for me to stretch my arms. *streches arms and hits Phelous and Paw* *sarcastically gasps* I can't. Happy birthday to me.
Door opens and Cinema Snob walks into the room
Snob: Okay, so what exactly is going on here?
Angry Joe: A whole lot of shit is going down, Snob. Tell him about it, Lee. *pauses* Lee?
Lee: *in a daze and swishing around a bottle of water* Have you ever felt the motion of water poured down your three dimensional organs? I have. And it is miraculous. *drinks some water*
Angry Joe: Alright, umm, Lordkat fill him in.
Lordkat: *stands up with receipt in hand* We found a receipt for twenty tons of dynamite paid for by the Nostalgia Critic. We don't know what it means, but it can't be good. *gives receipt to Snob*
Snob: *takes receipt* So, what? You really think he is going to use it against us?
Paw: Who knows. He might be planning to blow us all up.
8-bit Mickey: *in panicked tone of voice* He's mad I tell you. Mad!
Handsome Tom: *slaps Mickey*
8-bit Mickey: Mad!
Handsome Tom: *slaps him again*
8-bit Mickey: Okay, I'm good.
Snob: Look, the Nostalgia Critic may be a little nutty. But he's not nuts.
Lordkat: You look me in the eye and tell me he's not stupid enough to do something that crazy.
Lordkat and Snob stare each other down as over dramatic music plays.
Snob: *raises finger and opens mouth, then pauses* Okay, you have a point. But couldn't the signature have been replicated? In fact, couldn't the whole thing be replicated? Everyone in the room is silent
Snob: How many of you have been listening to that Baugh guy recently?
Everyone in the room coughs and whistles as they avoid eye contact with Snob
Snob: Yeah. He gets around, doesn't he? Those with brains usually have powers over the brainless. Look, I'll have a talk with the Critic to see if any of this is true.
Paw: What if he suspects us going behind his back?
Snob: He won't suspect us. I'll put it very delicately.
Camera cuts to Cinema Snob talking to NC
Snob: Everyone thinks you're nuts.
NC: *shocked* Inconsiderate pricks. Why?
Snob: I think that Baugh guy is spreading lies about you.
NC: *sighs* I knew I shouldn't have kept that Baugh guy around. Blame, Phelous. It was all his idea. *sighs again* Now everybody thinks I'm nuts.
Snob: Nah, they're just getting paranoid. That always happens when big changes happen.
NC: Mmm, I suppose you're right. I mean I'll win their confidence back sure enough.
Snob: *chuckles* There's even a rumor going around that you bought twenty tons of dynamite for yourself.
NC: *laughs* Nooo, that part was true.
Snob: *stunned* What?
NC: Oh, yeah. The whole place is wired. *in a creepy tone of voice* You see, I've wanted this place for a long time *light chuckle* and now that I've got it, I'm not going to let anyone take it away from me. Discover that the world is filled with nasty wasties, and a lot of those nasty wasties want what I got. So, if any of them tried to take away what I have. I'm not afraid to go down with the ship and take *everybody* with me. But that's if one of those nasty wasties shows up. Or if someone in this beloveded nation of mine is a nasty wasty. What do you say, Cinema Snob? *dramatic turn to Snob* You're not one of those nasty wasties, are you?
Snob: *nervously* No, of course not.
NC: Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Take care.
Snob: *nervously smiles* Yeah, you too. *walks away*
NC: *chuckles* I do enjoy our little chats.
Camera cuts to Cinema Snob talking to the TGWTG Reviewers in the Hotel Room.
Snob: You're right, he is nuts. We got to act and we got to act fast.
Sage: I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus, then play pinata with his entrails. *smiles at everyone*
Everyone in the room looks at him horrified.
Benzaie: You were just so fast to say that.
Sage: I'm *shifty eyes* just passionate. That's all.
Jew Wario: *in enthusiastic tone* I like it!
Paw: Maybe we could play really bad music. That would get him out of the government house.
Lordkat: What kind of music would you pick?
Paw: Michael Bolton
Everyone in the room cringes.
Snob: No one should be subjected to that.
Jew Wario: *in enthusiastic tone* I like it!
Spider Dr. Smith: How about a legion of spiders?
8-Bit Mickey: No! Seriously! Who keeps letting him in?!
Spider Dr. Smith: *sniff* Everybody hates the plan about spiders... Why does everybody hate the plan about SPIDERS?!
Jew Wario: *in enthusiastic tone* I like it!
Cinema Snob: Look, I'm the one who brought it up to him, I'll be the one who takes him down. Trust me. By the end of the week, the Nostalgia Critic won't be the king of Kickassia anymore.
As Cinema Snob speaks, We pan out to Film Brain listening at the door with a stethoscope.
Film Brain: *gasps in shock and runs down the hall*
Cut to the government house
Film Brain: *hurriedly* And they were talking about killing you! And they were talking about different ways of killing you! And the Cinema Snob was like, "It's my plan so I'll kill him!" So I RAN back here as fast as I could, but they SAW me... so SUPERMAN broke in, and he killed them all with his heat vision! And then he took me back to his home where we saw Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, AND THE REST OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE! And then we went out to a bar, and we had a couple of drinks. I got totally shit-faced! And then I hailed a cab, and I got back here! *posing with his arms outstretched*
NC: *shocked* Is that all true, Film Brain?!
Film Brain: Well, I kinda got carried away with the second half, but the first half is REALLY TRUE!
NC': *sigh* Then I guess we have no choice. We will have to give Cinema Snob... a trial. Bring him to me!
Film Brain: Right! *does the Kickassian Salute*
Scene cuts to the hotel room. Cinema Snob enters.
Cinema Snob: Alright guys, I've got a lot of things I need to do, this better be... *looks around the room, seeing that it's empty* Well, that's confusing.
Film Brain pop up from behind a bed, wielding a machine gun.
Film Brain: *yelling incoherently and running toward Snob with the gun* Getdawnonthebegedawnonthebe! Arrrara! Rrrrrrr!
Cinema Snob: *talking over Film Brain's yelling* What? What? What? What? What? What is that? What is that? English?
Film Brain continues yelling and babbling as the throws Snob to the bed.
Cinema Snob: You crazy British fuck! What are you saying?!
Film Brain: TRIAL!
Cinema Snob: What?!
Film Brain: A trial!
Cinema Snob: What?!
Film Brain: You are going to have a trial.
Cinema Snob: *sarcastically* Oh, God. Shoot me.
Film Brain cocks the gun and drives it deeper into his neck.
Cinema Snob: *as if correcting his meaning* No, no!
Scene cuts to the table. Nostalgia Critic is addressing Cinema Snob as he sits across from him.
NC: And so it is the ruling of this court that you be found guilty for the crimes against our government. All in favor? AYE! All opposed?
Everyone Else: NAY!
NC: *mockingly* Too bad I'm in charge! GUILTY! *slams down a squeaky hammer* Cinema Snob, do you have anything to say before I sentence you to your... *shrugs* sentence?
Cinema Snob: Oh. I got somethin' to say...
NC: Well, make it quick, I don't want to miss Gilligan.
Cinema Snob: When I helped build Kickassia, I had a dream of freedom, justice, and honor. But now I see it's been shadowed by the DUMBASS COCKFACE *Brad points to NC. NC looks behind him* that sits across from me. You really know how to put the "dick" in dictatorship.
NC: You're out of order, Cinema Snob!
Cinema Snob: You're out of order, they're out of order! The whole system is out of order!
NC: I am the system!
Cinema Snob: I know you're the system! That's my point!
NC: I know it's your point! It's just when you say that I'm out of order and the system's out of order it's kind of redundant!
Cinema Snob: What I'm trying to get across is FUCK YOU!
NC: Fuck you!
Cinema Snob: Fuck you!
NC: Fuck you!
Jew Wario: Won't somebody think of the children?! *cries*
Everyone pauses to stare at Jew Wario.
NC: *still looking at Jew Wario, then turning back to Cinema Snob* Right! Now what should his sentencing be?
Everyone remains silent.
NC: Come on, come on! Nobody has any ideas?
Phelous: Well, I guess I have an idea...
NC: WAIT! I have an idea!
Phelous: Oh, really? What is it?
NC: *long pause* The idea... that, I have right now... requires....
Phelous: Cinema Snob...
NC: C-Cinema Snob! ...to enter the... realm of everlasting...
Phelous: Being banished?
NC: Being banished! For... for for for for... *looks to Phelous*
NC: FOREVER! *slams fist on table and stands up, pointing toward Cinema Snob* You are to be banished forever!
NChick: Oh good, I'll pack a lunch.
Cut to the gates of Kickassia. The group stands within them and Cinema Snob is facing them outside the fence.
NC: May your honor be stricken forever! May your name always be associated with douchebaggery! And may you walk, until you walk no more! Go! And never return.
Cinema Snob: Ok, I'm gonna catch a cab. If anyone needs me, I'll be at the hotel down the street. *waves*
NC: Go! Venture to the great unknown! Who knows what undiscovered terrors await you?
Cinema Snob: I've got my cell phone if anyone needs to call.
NC: Go! May the harshness of this world have no mercy on your soul! *Cinema Snob continues to walk away* Nobody look at him! Ignore all the terror he has brought to our good nation! *Everyone behind NC waves* Go! And never return!... Ever!... Return!... Again! *turns to look behind him as everyone stops waving*
The camera focuses on the group's remorse as Cinema Snob leaves. Phelous, Spoony and Marzgurl shake their heads. Lee pokes himself in the cheek repeatedly. Sage wipes a tear from his eye with his gun. Camera cuts to Cinema Snob one last time, before cutting to Fritz Von Baugh, who smiles. Night falls on Kickassia.
NC: *entering a dark room* Phew! Banishment is hard work. Time for me to get some ole' shut-eye. *pauses, staring at something off camera*
The camera cuts to a table and chair.
NC: *whispering* My God. I know this place. It's my room but... not. *moves toward the chair* My old review room. It's been restored. *touches the wall* Just like at home. *reaches down to feel the table as his voice enters his head*
NC's voice: *slight echo* Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to!
Critic walks toward another wall and places his hand on it.
NC: It's all just as I remember it.... but... who did this? What happened to my room?! Where's my bed? Where are my things?!
Ma-Ti: *as a voice* I thought you'd like it this way... *the camera turns to reveal him staring at a wall as he shuffles to turn around*
Ma-Ti: *monotone* Yes. It is I. Ma-Ti. From Captain Planet.
NC: You did this? But why?
Ma-Ti: To remind you of who you are. *softly* And to bring you a warning.
NC: A word of warning? ...what?
Ma-Ti: *slowly approaching NC* The warning is... *long pause as Ma-Ti stares NC down. He walks over slowly, and suddenly grabs his shirt* *loudly* Stop being a douchebag! It's totally going to backfire!
NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti, I don't have time for this!
Ma-Ti: *softly* Why'd you get rid of Cinema Snob, Critic?
NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti! It had to be done!
Ma-Ti: Is it your destiny to not only be the first, but the worst?
NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti! Sacrifices have to be made!
Ma-Ti: *accusingly* But at what cost? Are you willing to let down the people that got you here? Your friends? Your allies!
NC: Damn IT! Ma-Ti! The president has no friends. *walks away*
Ma-Ti: He did once. He was loyal, and strong, and not an assmuncher! Remember your roots, Critic. Remember your roots!
NC: Damn it, Ma-Ti! My roots are here! In Kickassia! And if I can't have it... *darkly* no one can. *nearly walks into a wall as he tries to leave and makes his way to the door*
Ma-Ti: *shouting, as NC leaves* You're a fool, Critic! A damn fool! You cannot change your destiny! You can only choose to meet it! *darkly* ...and you will fail.
Cut to the hotel room.
Benzaie: *panicked* Shit! Cinema Snob is gone, now what do we do?!
Linkara: I suggest an attack. A full-frontal assault by all of us. I'll orchestrate it myself.
Angry Joe: Damn it, man! He'll have plenty of time to set off the detonator! He'll kill us all!
Linkara: *shouting* I can do this Joe! I've seen Patton over 100 times!
Angry Joe: No!
Angry Joe: No, it's too risky. Desperate times call for desperate measures. There is only one logical option. *turns to face the camera*
Cut to Spoony staring into space. He turns to look at the crowd.
Spoony: No... You're not seriously suggesting...
Phelous: He wouldn't suspect us all if just you go in.
Spoony: No! You're crazy! You're all crazy!
Sage: *sighs* Come on! Quit being a poo-stabber and just do it!
Spoony: No! I... I won't be able to! *dramatically turns to bury his face in the curtains*
Angry Joe: Give into the madness, Spoony. Deep down inside you know who you truly are.
Spoony: *turning back toward Joe* No, damn it! I mean... I was before but... *dramatic turn* That was the past!
Benzaie: Listen to your senses, man! *slaps Spoony* If not for the team, then do it for us, the team!
Spoony looks around the room as Benzaie holds his shoulders. Sage gives him the "hurry it up" sign.
Spoony: You do realize... that once he's unleashed... there's no holding him back.
Angry Joe: Sometimes the best way to deal with a madman, is to send in another madman.
Linkara: *shocked* That's a stupid plan!
Angry Joe: *grabbing Linkara* Exactly! A stupid plan, for a stupid man!
Linkara: Are you high?! *Joe turns to the camera with a deranged smile*
Spoony: *turning to Benzaie* Alright... I'll give into the madness.
Benzaie nods. Phelous gives a look of anticipation. Spoony moves over to the curtains, and begins to convulse violently. Everyone in the room looks on as Spoony spasms and shouts in pain. Suddenly Spoony's arms jut out to the side. The camera pans over to his arms as while sleeves "grow" over them. Lightning flashes as a labcoat and stethoscope lower onto his body. His clenched eyed open as he lowers goggles over them. He smiles as his labcoat folds over to reveal the words, "Dr. Insano"
Dr. Insano: Nya ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!
To Be Continued appears as the episode ends.