Kickassia Part 5
May 20th, 2010
Kickassia Part 05: The Fall of the Risen
The story opens with panoramic shots of Kickassia. Handsome Tom is shown holding the flag as we cut to Linkara and Benzaie as they sneak around the country. After looking around, he turns to Benzaie.
Linkara: This is ridiculous! We've got NO strategy for this! Plus, he's my arch enemy! It's just...annoying!
Benzaie:...No, they're right. We've got to fight madness with-with madness. And... And he's the craziest we've got. *looks past a disbelieving Linkara.* Are you ready there, Doc?
Dr. Insano: *maniacal laugh* I WAS BORN READY!! HAHAHAHA!
Inside, Nostalgia Critic is watching TV.
Character on TV: Hey, Hogan. Who's that?
Hitler on TV: *German speech*
Insano bursts through the front door and laughs maniacally. The NC turns toward him for a moment.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, hey! You gave into the madness! That's awesome!
The Nostalgia Critic turns back to the television and Insano comes up behind him. He punches the Critic on the back of the head and he falls over. The NC turns to Insano from the ground.
NC: You miserable cockasaurus!
Insano: Sorry, Critic. But your reign of terror is at an end. Now, a NEW reign of terror begins! MY reign of terror! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
NC: *getting up* Alright, you beaker sucking bozo. You want a piece of me? Well, you've got it.
Insano punches the NC once and he stays standing.
Insano punches the NC again and the NC stumbles and hits the wall. Insano lifts his fist and runs at the Critic while he yells. The Critic moves at the last moment and Insano accidentally punches the wall. Insano cries in pain and waves his injured hand around. The NC punches Insano and he staggers into the kitchen, collapsing on the counter. The NC raises his fist and runs at Insano. Insano opens a cabinet at the last moment, hitting the NC in the face. The NC stumbles away and stands by the kitchen table. Insano comes over to him and starts slamming the NC's head over and over into the table. After a few hits, the NC stands up and says the following.
NC: Hey, that hurt!
Insano hits the NC's head onto the kitchen table one more time. The NC punches Insano away. As Linkara and Benzaie watch from the window, the NC and Insano trade blow after blow. As they are locked in head lock, Film Brain speeds into the room. He starts screaming as he rushes in.
Film Brain: DIE! DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!
Film Brain rushes forward and the NC and Insano push away from each other. Film Brain runs between them and trips, falling to the floor and knocking himself unconscious. Insano and the NC shrug a little then scream and come at each other again. The NC grabs his hammer and starts bonking Insano on the head repeatedly. Insano stumbles away. As they come at each other again, the NC then grabs Insano by the nipples and gives him a titty twister. Insano screams in agony until he takes off his stethoscope. He puts the buds into NC's ears and then screams into the other end at the top of his lungs. The NC's eyes cross in pain and he backs away.
NC: OH MY GOD!
The NC and Insano start punching each other again as the Nostalgia Chick walks in. She is pouring pills into a green can of what is believed to be soda. As the NC and Insano are locked in battle, the NC turns to the Nostalgia Chick.
NC: NOSTALGIA CHICK! Insano's gone... insane! Help me out here, will ya?!
Nostalgia Chick: Oh. Of course. Where are my manners?
Nostalgia Chick picks up a bat and gets behind the NC. She starts hitting him repeatedly. The NC cries out as he's hit. Then he screams while pointing at Insano the following line.
NC: THAT'S Insano.
Nostalgia Chick: *while pointing at her forehead* I need new glasses.
Nostalgia Chick moves behind Insano and raises her bat. Insano turns himself and the Critic at the last moment and the Nostalgia Chick ends up hitting the NC once again repeatedly. After a few hits, the NC turns from Insano to Nostalgia Chick.
NC: No offense, but--- *He punches the Nostalgia Chick and she falls to the ground.*
Insano grabs NC by the neck and drags him backwards. He chokes him until he falls to the ground. Insano then starts punching the NC over and over again in rapid succession until he brings his hand up and punches him one final time and seemingly knocks him out. Linkara and Benzaie cheer slightly and silently. Insano gets up and takes out a walky talky.
Insano: Eagle 1, Eagle 1! This is Test Monkey 2! The NC is down! Repeat, the NC is down!
MarzGurl: *from the other end of the walky talky* Good work, Test Monkey! Return to base after you've destroyed the body.
Insano: Not so fast, Eagle 1! I have a few requests before I dispose of the body.
MarzGurl: What do you mean?
Insano: Well, first of all, "I" want Kickassia!
MarzGurl: But... THAT wasn't part of the deal.
Insano: I am ALTERING the deal! Pray that I don't alter it any further. Oh, wait. Another alteration. Hahaha, you didn't pray hard enough.
As Insano speaks, the NC opens his eyes and gets up, standing behind Insano.
Insano: Uhm... I would also like my own flag made for me. One with the Evolution of Man, except with ME at the end of the line. Oh, and I'd also want my own ice cream parlor. There's never an ice cream stand around when you REALLY need one. Oh, and it better Goddamn well have Chocolate Chocolate Chip! God HELP you if you don't have Chocolate Chocolate Chip! And perhaps a... *He starts turning around, seeing the NC* A, uh... Oh.
The NC picks up his hands and shoots electricity at Insano. Insano is hit and falls to the ground. The NC looms over Insano.
Insano: What ever happened to the purity of unarmed combat?
NC: Well, this is superconductor electromagnetism. Certainly you've heard of it. It levitates bullet trains from Tokyo to Osaka. It will levitate my rocket chair, once it finally arrives. And it also levitates... me.
The NC stands on his tip toes and starts moving around, giving the illusion he's levitating.
Insano: You do realize you're just standing on your tippy toes, don't you?
The NC drops to the ground and pauses for a moment. Then, he shoots a beam of lightning at Insano. Insano screams in pain. He then retaliates and shoots a beam of electricity back at the NC. The NC is hit and staggers backwards.
Insano: Ha! Your superconductor electromagnetism is nothing compared to SCIENCE!
NC: But it IS science!
Insano: Well, I'm sciencier!
Both shoot beams of electricity at each other, struggling to gain the upper hand. Suddenly, the NC stops shooting his beams and moves out of the way. This causes Insano to stumble forward and hit the kitchen wall. He looks up, dazed, at the NC.
NC: Knock knock.
Insano: Who's there?
NC: GUN! *pulls out a gun and points it at Insano*
Insano: *screams like a little girl*
Benzaie and Linkara look at each other, surprised, then run into the house.
Insano: *pointing at the NC* SURRENDER!
Insano: Alright, just thought I'd give it a shot.
Linkara and Benzaie rush into the kitchen.
Benzaie: Wait, don't kill him!
NC: Why not?
Benzaie: Well, technically, it's still Spoony in there!
NC: Mmm, I think I still wanna kill him.
Insano: OH GOD!
Benzaie: Wait, it's not his fault!
NC: *looks sharply at Benzaie* What?!
Benzaie: ...Well, maybe somebody put him up to it!
NC: What are you talking about?
Linkara: Nothing! He's just French. *pushes Benzaie behind him* They just talk. Go, go ahead and kill him.
Insano: I don't wanna DIE!
NC: Is someone conspiring against me?
Linkra: What gave you that idea?
NC: When he said that someone's conspiring against me.
Benzaie: I didn't say that.
Insano: I still have so much more science to do!
Linkara: He doesn't know what he's talking about.
NC: Oh, would a few holes in the DOCTOR HELP?!
NC: Then what's going on?!
Insano: I want my mommy!
Linkara: Nothing! I assure you, nothing is wrong.
NC: You're a part of this, aren't you?
Benzaie: Me or him? *points at Linkara*
Benzaie: YES! Linkara: NO!
Benzaie and Linkara look at each other.
Benzaie: NO! Linkara: YES!
NC: You ARE against me...
Insano: Help me, Santa!
Linkara: You're just paranoid, Critic.
NC: Who else is in on it?!
Insano: Help me, Jesus Christ!
Linkara: We're all your friends, Critic!
NC: Are you?!
NC: ARE YOU?!
Insano: Help me... SANTA CHRIST!
Santa Christ comes in, laughing jollily. The NC screams and turns, shooting him dead on. Santa Christ stops, holding his chest in surprise. Everyone looks shocked and sad. Santa Christ falls to the ground, dead.
Insano: ...Well, gee, THAT'S sad.
Linkara: *sadly* You... just... KILLED Santa Christ!
NC: You all saw it! He came at me with a chainsaw!
The rest of the team runs in.
MarzGurl: We heard gunshots!
JewWario: Did it come from a GUN?!
Everyone moves forward and sees Santa Christ dead on the ground.
BennetttheSage: Holy smokes! *looks at NC* You killed Santa Christ?!
NC: I didn't MEAN to, it was an accident!
LordKat: My God, the greatest combination of Christmas icons is dead!
NC: Yeah, I... guess he is...
Everyone looks sad and stays silent.
HandsomeTom: This is a sad day for Handsome Tom...
8BitMickey: And 8 Bit Mickey. *Goes crying into Handsome Tom's embrace.*
AngryJoe: At least he died a good, STRONG man.
3DLee: And three dimensionally.
FilmBrain: *stands up, rubbing his head* Hey, guys, what did I miss? *sees Santa Christ* SANTA CHRIST! NOOOOOOOO!
BennetttheSage: Shoulda been holding an Uzi.
NC: ...Wait a minute.
Everyone looks at the NC.
NC: Isn't Santa Christ made out of the hopes and dreams of people everywhere? Maybe, just maybe, if we wish hard enough, we can bring him back to life.
Phelous: No, Critic, no! That's crazy talk!
NC: But do you dare try?! DO YOU DARE TRY?! ...Come on, people. Let's show what it truly means to believe.
Everyone starts holding hands, chanting "We believe in Santa Christ!"
NC: *looking into camera* And now, all the people out there! Anyone who ever cared about a treasured icon!
Sean: I believe in Santa Christ!
MikeJ: I believe in Santa Christ!
Guru Larry: We believe in Santa Christ!
Goggles: I believe in Santa Christ!
Coldguy: I believe in Santa Christ!
Little Miss Gamer: I believe in Santa Christ!
Lanipator: We believe in Santa Christ!
KaiserNeko: I believe in Santa Christ!
Dominic: I believe in Santa Christ!
Last Angry Geek: I believe in Santa Christ!
That Jewish Guy: I believe in…wait you want me to say WHAT?!
Dena: I believe in Santa Christ!
TheCat: Santakuraisuto o shinjiteiru!"" ”「サンタクライスト」を信じている！*Subtitles read "I believe in Santa Christ!"*
Guy Lynor: I believe in Santa Christ!
Takahata101: I believe in Santa Christ!
Y Ruler of Time: I believe in Santa Christ!
MasakoX: I believe in Santa Christ!
NC: And now, all the people watching at home! Come on, say it with us now!
They continue chanting, then stop and look at Santa Christ. He's still dead on the ground.
NC: Nope. That did nothing. Toss him.
A dumpster lid closes and a car drives away.
Phelous: Told you it wouldn't work.
NC: Yeah, it didn't work 'cause you're a doucheface.
Back at the hotel room base, Angry Joe punches 8 Bit Mickey.
Angry Joe: Dammit! We have to think of something and think of something fast!
LordKat: I dunno, I still think Dr. Insano might work.
Insano: *laying down with a cloth to his head* I feel like a puppy that's been raped by a bulldozer.
Angry Joe: No no no no! *punches 8 Bit Mickey, who just staggered up behind him* No more Mr. Insano! We HAVE to think of something else!
Phelous: I think our last option after our... last option is Linkara.
Angry Joe: Yeah, you might have a point.
Joe looks at Linkara, who is polishing his magic gun.
Angry Joe: What do ya say, Linkara? Why don't you try out some of that... strategic mumbo jumbo.
Linkara: *puts gun down* Joe Joe Joe... I know we've had our differences in the past.
Angry Joe: We have?
Linkara: Yes. I don't like you very much.
Angry Joe: *sadly* Oh...
Linkara: But your love of destruction mixed with my love of PLANNING destruction might serve us well.
Angry Joe: So you'll do it?
Linkara: *looks back at Joe* It's my JOB to do it!
Linkara takes off his jacket, revealing a Star Trek uniform and takes off his hat, replacing it with an army helmet, changing into Linkara Patton.
Linkara Patton: Alright, troops, here's how it's gonna work. We're gonna hit him during the day. We're gonna hit him like crap through a goose! Now then, the reason we're hitting him during the day is because it'll be less likely he'll have the detonator on him, especially when we let him have it!
8 Bit Mickey: *laying face down on the ground, sounding muffled* Let him have what?
Linkara Patton: The greatest plan that man has ever known!
Linkara takes out a board of the game Risk.
Paw: That's a game of Risk.
Linkara Patton: Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here! *He points to Iceland on the map, right between those two nations.* Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina.
Bennett The Sage: Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected!
Linkara Patton: No they don't.
Bennett The Sage: Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect!
Linkara Patton: They do?
Bennett The Sage: Well I thought so.
Paw: I thought you needed dice for this.
Linkara Patton: Do you?
Paw: I dunno.
Everyone stares in confusion at the board.
JewWario: How DO you play this game anyway?
Board James: Well guys... *Picks up box of Risk* Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. (Writer's note: Good GOD, this game is complicated.) The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it!
Linkara Patton: Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James!
Board James: Well, thank YOU for the, uh... obligatory cameo.
Bennett the Sage: Anyway, who's turn was it?
JewWario: I think Paw had the dice last.
Paw: Let's do this! *rolls dice*
Linkara Patton: Hey, wait a minute! What are we doing playing a game?! We're planning a strategy!
JewWario: But this game is so much more fun, though!
Linkara Patton: We're planning a TAKEOVER!
JewWario: Alright, already!
There is a knock on the door and everyone turns toward it. MarzGurl and JewWario rush up to it.
JewWario: *putting on a voice* Who is it?
Film Brain: *sounding put down* It's Film Brain...
JewWario: *putting on a different voice* How do we know it's really you?
Film Brain: I wouldn't want you to know it was me, so I wouldn't ADMIT it was me...
MarzGurl: ...Confusing enough.
They open the door and Film Brain enters, looking very distraught. Everyone comes up to him, looking suspicious and mad.
Bennett The Sage: What are you doing here, bitch snitch?
Film Brain: I want to help you take down the Critic. *Lee starts pawing at him* That is, if you'll still have me. *Film Brain smacks Lee's hand away.*
Paw: Yeah? How do we know you're not gonna double cross us?
Film Brain: Because... Because... BECAUSE THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC KILLED SANTA CHRIST!
Film Brain rushes forward, crying hard and looking for a hug. Most of the people back off and Bennett the Sage pushes MarzGurl in his path. Film Brain hugs MarzGurl tightly and cries into her shoulder.
MarzGurl: *tentatively patting his head* There... there...
8 Bit Mickey: So, you're saying you want vengeance for Santa Christ?
Film Brain: *pushes away from MarzGurl and says angrily* I WANT HIS FRIGGIN HEAD!
8 Bit Mickey: Good. Then we're all on the same page now. *taking Film Brain under his arm* Now, we just decided that Linkara was gonna plan the attack. And you just missed a humorous cameo from Board James. We're just about to talk about how we're gonna bring down the empire!
Film Brain: Good. Very very good.
Linkara Patton: Good, everybody set? *Everyone nods* Alright then, now, listen carefully! We've only got a few days to plan this out, so let's get it right!
A montage as they plan out their strategy and everyone looks confident and ready.
Linkara Patton: Alright, men. Let's take him down.
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT EPISODE!