Kickassia Part 6
May 21st, 2010
Kickassia: Part 6: All the Really Bad Shit Happens
The video opens up with shots of various scenery and buildings in Molassia. The Nostalgia Critic is skipping along next to the Molassian Railroad, singing a happy tune.
Nostalgia Critic: "Three little maids from school are we! Pert as a school-girl well can be! Filled to the brim with girlish glee! Three little maids from school! Everything is a source of fun! Hahahahahahahaha!"
Suddenly, a fireball flies at the Critic. He ducks out of the way, then stands and looks toward the source of the fireball.
NC: What the hell?!
Across the way, Linkara Patton looks through binoculars as Angry Joe holds a bazooka-style gun.
Linkara Patton: Excellent shot, Mr. Joe. Except for the fact that you missed. Fire again!
Joe takes aim and fires. Nostalgia Critic ducks out of the way with a yelp and the ball of fire misses him. He starts running away, yelling. The fireballs land behind him, causing small explosions. Linkara Patton keeps watching through his binoculars.
Linkara Patton: Critic. You magnificent bastard, I read your book!
The NC keeps running, the fireballs missing him by inches. Meanwhile, Nostalgia Chick watches from a window inside the government house.
Nostalgia Chick: Oh, that's a shame.
She walks away from the window. The Critic rounds a corner and takes cover. There, he finds LordKat, Paw, Bennett the Sage, and Marzgurl. He sighs, relieved.
NC: Oh, thank God you're here. Joe and Linkara have gone insane with violence! DESTROY THEM UNTIL THEY ARE NOTHING BUT RUBBLE!
The four stay where they are and ready their weapons.
NC: Didn't you hear me? ANNIHILATE THEM!
The four look menacing and point their weapons at the Critic.
NC: *crosses his arms* Do I have to start paying you so I can cut your wages?
The four yell and run at the Critic with their weapons at the ready. The Critic yells and runs away, barely missing being hit by a fireball. He rushes forward and runs into 8 Bit Mickey riding atop Handsome Tom.
8 Bit Mickey: REVOLUTION!
The NC screams and runs away. Joe fires off another shot and once again barely misses the Critic. The NC comes to a stop as he spots Benzaie, wielding Beary Bear.
Benzaie: Get him, Beary!
Beary Bear: Oui oui, mon ami!
Benzaie turns his cap to the side and throws Beary baseball-style at the NC. He hits the NC in the face and latches on. The struggle for a few moments, the NC crying out and sounding muffled. Linkara watches from afar.
Linkara: I love it... God help me, I love it so...
The NC finally gets Beary off of him and drop kicks him away. Benzaie cries out.
Benzaie: BEARY! OH MY GOD!
He runs past the NC in the aim of helping his friend. The NC walks forward a little smugly, then stops when he sees Lee standing in his path. The NC attempts to walk past Lee.
NC: Pfft. Get out of the way, pipsqueakEEEE!
Lee grabs the NC's arm and flips him onto the ground. He bends down and starts punching the NC over and over as the others rush forward.
NC: So, you like being 3D?
Lee: Oh, yes, I do.
NC: Well, tell me how THESE feel.
The NC kicks up and kicks Lee right between his legs, causing him to cry out and stumble of the NC. The Critic takes the time to get up and run off a little before spotting the others rushing forward. He runs another way as more fireballs hit the floor behind him. He rushes into the government house and closes the door, locking it behind him. He walks into the kitchen.
NC: Who'd a thought a dictatorship would be so one sided? *He drops down a little, avoiding a swinging bat.* AH!
He looks up to see Phelous, Film Brain, and Jew Wario, looking mad and smug at the same time.
NC: Phelous. After all the good ideas I came up with for you!
Phelous rushes forward and pins the NC to the refrigerator, causing the NC to scream.
Phelous: *angrily* Shut up! Just SHUT UP!
The NC looks at Film Brain.
NC: Et tu, Film Brain?
Film Brain: Sorry, Critic. But you shot one Santa Christ too many.
NC: Oh, you're such a twerp.
Film Brain: YOU'RE A TWERP!
The others come into the building and walk toward the kitchen.
NC: So, you've all been plotting against me. You know, I really expected Kickassia to kick a little more ass than this! I'm VERY disappointed in all of you.
Cinema Snob: You have indeed been hanging out with the wrong crowd, Critic.
NC: Cinema Snob. How DARE you return from your... banishment-dom!
Cinema Snob: That was the old order. THIS is the NEW order.
NC: *timidly* ...New order?
Cinema Snob: Yes. One that's been coming to you for a long time.
Cinema Snob turns to Spoony, now out of his Insano garb.
Cinema Snob: Weren't you Dr. Insano?
Spoony: Eh, I got better.
8 Bit Mickey: *riding in on Handsome Tom* The age of Kickassia has come to an end, Critic. A new age lies before us.
Bennett the Sage: An age without YOU.
Linkara Patton and Angry Joe walk into the room.
Linkara Patton: It's okay, we got him! His body is spread out over... *He notices the Critic.* ...Oh.
Phelous: You've had your fun running this country, Critic. Well, now it's our turn. And the first rule of order? A move for a medieval ass-kicking of our old president. All in favor?
Whole Team (minus the Critic): AYE!
Phelous: All opposed?
NC: *Very timidly* Nay.
Phelous: Motion passes! *He lets go of the Critic.* Have fun everybody!
Everyone starts to move in, fists raised.
NC: WAIT! I have an idea!
Phelous: Really? What is it?
NC: ...The idea... involves, uhm...
NC: GETTING! ...Uh, uh....
Phelous: Your ass kicked!
NC: MY ASS KICKED! ME GETTING MY ASS KICKED! ...No, wait.
Phelous: Too late!
The NC screams in terror as everyone advances once again with their fists raised. Suddenly, in the door walks Ask That Guy With The Glasses.
ATGWTG: Hold it!
Everyone stops and turns to him.
MarzGurl: What do YOU want?
ATGWTG: Oh, nothing. Just wanted to make my cameo. Bye!
Ask That Guy With The Glasses leaves and closes the door behind him. Everyone then goes and starts beating up the Critic, punching, kicking, and elbowing, him until he falls to the ground. As they kick him while he's down, he thinks the following line.
NC: I didn't even get... my rocket chair...
The Critic collapses, unconscious.
Paw: It's over! The evil Critic is defeated!
Everyone cheers, through up there hands in triumph. Angry Joe runs into the room with Kevin Baugh's family and announces the following.
Angry Joe: Revolution! A new dawn is upon us! The uprising has begun! HAHAHAHAHA!
He runs out of the room. The family hasn't stopped reading their books and magazines.
Baugh Family: Mmmhmm...
Back in the kitchen, everyone still cheers wildly. The Nostalgia Chick comes in, clapping slowly.
Nostalgia Chick: Well done, everyone. Well done. Now, seeing as how "I" am next in line for the presidency, it's only fitting that I should wear the crown.
She bends down and takes the NC's hat off. She stands back up and puts it on.
Nostalgia Chick: You'll refer to me as Madame President from now on.
Bennett the Sage: Wait a minute. This whole cutesy, naive thing was all just an ACT?!
Nostalgia Chick: Yup.
JewWario: You're not really that nice?
Nostalgia Chick: No.
Benzaie: You're really not that stupid?
Nostalgia Chick: Uh uh. But what I can tell you is this: That "I" am the new rulenatrix of Kickassia. And there are gonna be some new rules around here.
As the Nostalgia Chick laughs maniacally, the Cinema Snob snatches the hat from her and puts it on himself.
Cinema Snob: Excuse me, but it was MY insight that overthrew this government. So I think that it should be "I" who's taking over as acting president.
As Cinema Snob laughs maniacally, Linkara Patton snatches the hat from him and puts it on himself, replacing his helmet with the hat.
Linkara Patton: Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I was the one who orchestrated this operation, it is obviously "I" who should be president!
As Linkara Patton laughs maniacally, Nostalgia Chick snatches the hat again.
Nchick: Uh Uh. I didn't put on that false cutsey crap for three straight-
Linkara Patton: Look, lady. That hat is mine! AHH!
Everyone starts fighting for the hat and the rights that come with it, snatching it from whoever is holding it and shouting across the room. Suddenly, into the room walks Santa Christ! His theme song starts playing as he laughs.
Santa Christ: Ho ho ho!
Lee: Santa Christ?!
Santa Christ: That's right! On the third day, I rise again! In fulfillment of the awesomeness! Ho ho ho!
Film Brain: SANTA CHRIST! It's so good to see you! *He rushes forward and gives Santa Christ a big hug.*
Nostalgia Chick: Hey, wait a minute! Uhm... Why did it take you three days to come back? Why didn't you just do it right away?
Santa Christ: Ho ho! Oh, I'm sorry. Have you ever been dead before?
Nostalgia Chick: No.
Santa Christ: Have you ever risen from the grave?
Nostalgia Chick: Guess not...
Santa Christ: Well then, I guess you don't really have any sort of frame of reference now, do you?
Nostalgia Chick looks down in shame. Santa Christ pats her on the shoulder and takes out a game.
Santa Christ: That's okay. Here! Have Othello!
Nostalgia Chick: Oh my God! I love this game!
Santa Christ: I know! Ho ho ho!
He walks forward and addresses the crowd.
Santa Christ: Listen, this task wasn't any of yours to take, now, was it? Aren't you happy with your online shows? Aren't you glad people actually give a crap about what you have to say?
The crowd nods and generally agrees with Santa Christ.
Santa Christ: What do you say we get back to that nice Mr. Baugh fellow? It was HIS place originally, after all.
Paw: Well, he's right. Let's give Mr. Baugh his land back.
The crowd once again agrees with the sentiment. Angry Joe goes back into the room with Baugh's family.
Angry Joe: FREEDOM! Wondrous freedom! Shine and bask in the glory of your new world! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
He leaves the room. One of the kids looks up toward him.
Boy Baugh: ...What?
As everyone is talking and agreeing with each other, the Critic gets up and snatches his hat back, putting it on.
NC: Oh, no you don't! *Holding up a detonation device.* Need I remind you that there are 20 tons of dynamite under this nation?!
Cinema Snob: Uh, joke's on you, moron. I disconnected the dynamite after I left. You push that thing and nothing happens.
NC: ...I don't believe you! I push this button and we all get blown SKY HIGH!
Everyone stands around, not really worried at all.
NC: Very well. For the honor and all of KICKASSIA!
He pushes the button on the device. After a few seconds, still nothing has happened. The NC looks worried.
NC: *weakly* .....Kaboooooom!
The NC screams as the team rushes him and starts hitting him over and over again. A short time later, the NC knocks on the door of the government building, looking beaten and battered. Fritz Von Baugh answers the door.
NC: Hello. Uhm... Because my team can't run a nation---*MarzGurl nudges him* Because "I" can't run a nation, we've decided to give the nation back to you. So, you can own... Molassia again.
Fritz Von Baugh: But it was never mine to begin with.
NC: Oh, Christ! Alright, you know, when you "SEE the president," you know when he "shows up," can you tell him Molassia is his again?
Fritz Von Baugh: I will relay the message.
NC: Yeah, you do that, you twat. *As he and the team walk away* Why the fuck did I want this place anyway? God damn waste of time.
Fritz Von Baugh closes the door. The team starts walking away from Molassia, but the NC stops for a moment, looking back at the government building. President Baugh opens the door and happily waves good bye to him. The NC scoffs and turns away, walking with his team again. The narrator chimes in as our heroes walk away.
Narrator: And so, all are departed away. The great shroud of the desert rolls over the nation. Good night, you Princes of Mayhem, you Warriors of Virtue. The beauty of the world, the paragon of warriors. NOW is the winter of their discontent. Did they not learn that it was theirs to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune? Did they not discover that diamonds are forever or tomorrow never dies? Did they not recall the old Klingon proverb that revenge is a dish best served cold? Did they not learn as conquerors once before that all is fair in love and war?
The NC stops in front of the Molassia sign and looks into the camera. He shoots and hits the Narrator. We hear him shout in pain.
The Nostalgia Critic walks away. End Credits and blooper.