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King of Fighters

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(After the opening for the Spoony Experiment, we come to Spoony in his room dressed up like Terry Bogard from Fatal Fury)

Spoony: If any of you are fans of the King of Fighters videogames, I am so sorry. If you're not familiar with the series of tournament fighters, count yourself extremely lucky because the live action (showing the dvd) King of Fighters is in every sense a complete betrayal.

(Clips from KoF 2001)

Spoony (vo): I'll admit, I don't know a whole lot about the series except for what I played in the arcades. I barely knew it even had a storyline to speak of aside from being a bad man running a tournament, and, uh, he's mean. So you know, basically every other fighting game. What sets it apart is its huge roster of colorful crossover characters from other SNK videogames, it's innovative combat system, (a clip of the ending for KoF '95) and it's horrendously translated Engrish dialogue. "Rugal befeated?" They didn't even spell check this! (More Engrish pops up) "Beast to pray, here come the pain?"

Spoony: "Here come the pain" is right because I promise you, this movie hurts! A lot! You know, there's not a whole lot of story in King of Fighters, so you really wouldn't think there'd be that much to fuck up! But trust me, this movie gets everything wrong! It's like it's from some opposite universe where everyone's names are the same but nothing's familiar.

(The opening credits come up)

Spoony (vo): Okay what the hell is this? "A Micott & Basara and Double Edge Entertainment production," okay. "Inferno International." Is-is what? What is Inferno International? No wait, I thought you said this was a Micott & Basara and Double Edge Entertainment production, already this movie is lying to me. "In association with Rising Star." "In association with Convergence Entertainment and Axis Entertainment." "In association with Scion Fi--" (fed up with all the credits) Oh come on, get on with it!

(Clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

Tim: Yes, get on with it!

Army: Yeah, get on with it!

(Back to the credits)

Spoony (vo): Just put 'em all on one fucking card! This is not a good start from this movie when the opening production credits are pissing me off!

(Cut to a woman in the shower, the glass blurring her body)

Spoony (vo): The movie opens with a woman in the shower, which seems to be a common thread in these movies, and about twenty seconds in is when this movie gets completely and hopelessly stupid. She notices some kind of bluetooth earpiece is chiming with a little hologram on it. When she puts it on, she's transported to another dimension. This dimension appears to be an enormous cold storage unit where there's a man in a fur coat waiting to beat her up. I did not make a word of this up.

Mr. Big: Hello Mai.

Mai Shiranui: Why did you pick this freezing hole?

Mr. Big: Payback. Remember that sauna you chose last time.

Spoony (vo): You know, it's a good thing you get a new set of clothes when you put in your magic earpiece, or she'd be nude in this scene and it'd be really awkward. Kinda like the opposite of that Viggo Mortensen nude scene in Eastern Promises. What's that you're saying? It's kinda like The Matrix? With the techno music and the martial arts and the hidden world accessed by technology where people have superpowers and wear oversexualized fetish clothes?

Spoony: Ha! You'd be way off! They're not fighting in the Matrix! This movie is about (clips shown) magic bluetooth earpieces that transport you to another dimension where an ancient snake demon lives, sometimes in a freezer. (back to the room) You know, just like all the other King of Fighters games!

Mai: Hey does your mother know you're wearing her coat?

Mr. Big: It was a gift.

Spoony (vo): Okay this is jumping ahead a little bit, but they establish in this movie that whenever you enter the other dimension, you're given new clothes for some reason that's never really explained or questioned. So how can this stupid fucking coat be a gift if it's your imaginary Matrix clothes? And who the fuck would compete in a martial arts tournament wearing five pounds of yak fur and necktie anyway?

(Mai drags Mr. Big by his tie and slams him into a metal rack, laying him out)

Mr. Big: Ohh...I'm just gonna lay here for a second.

Spoony (vo): After she knocks the guy out, she grabs some kind of holographic ball thingie and reappears in the shower like nothing had happened. And honestly, I-I don't know. Did anything happen? (Now going over Mai) So yeah, this is Mai. Basically a microcosm of every single thing that's wrong with the King of Fighters movie. (Clips of the Fatal Fury anime as well as pictures are shown showing how Mai usually looks: red hair, scantily clad and with bouncing boobs) Look, let's be blunt here. The only two things most people remember about the King of Fighters games are this chick's enormous, bouncing jugs. This is the actual Mai from the game. You see? You see what I'm talking about? The only questions on anyone's mind when they announced a King of Fighters movie was who's playing Mai and how big are her knockers.

(Back to the movie)

Spoony (vo): So anyway they cast Maggie Q and her completely non-existant boobs! I mean come on! How do you fuck this up!? Look, I'm not bagging on Maggie Q as an actress! She's gorgeous! I'd break her combo any night, but Mai is supposed to have big, swinging ta-tas! (More pictures of the game version of Mai) Huge, swinging, luscious gazongas! Double whammies!

(Mai's in her win pose after a fight)

Al Pacino (As Vincent Hanna from Heat): And she's got a...great ass!

(More pics of Mai)

Spoony (vo): Oh and by the way, do you have any idea how hard it was to find pictures of Mai on the internet that weren't hentai? (Clip of Mai in the movie wearing a black leather jacket and black pants) She's supposed to wear red and she never does! (Back to the game) She's supposed to be bubbly and flirtatious like in the games, and Maggie Q plays her (back to the movie) like she's barely fucking awake! She's supposed to be a ninja! She's supposed to have big balls! (another pic of Mai showing the balls on her outfit) No, these balls. I don't know what they are. (Back to the fight with Mr. Big where she uses electricity powers) She's supposed to have fire-based powers instead of lightning ones. And what in the hell is she doing as Iori Yagami's girlfriend? This is wrong! They got every single aspect of this character, except for the fact she's a woman I guess, completely and utterly wrong! Let's not even get started with Iori who doesn't look like his game character either. (Now a picture of the game version of Iori) Although I don't know why he ties his own knees together in the game, but whatever. Mai and Iori go to a party at the Boston Cultural Museum where there's an exhibition of three magical artifacts.

Iori Yagami: The three treasures of their clans. These make the King of Fighters tournament possible.

Spoony (vo): (noticing the empty seats) Oh wow. Yeah, they packed the house for this exhibit.

Iori: At that time, the necklace possessed the energy to unlock the door. That's the key. The Yata Mirror's the door. And do you what happens when, uh, when you direct the energy of the necklace into the shield?

Mai: You unlock the passageway into the other dimension.

Iori: Exactly.

Mai: But I still don't understand. I mean you have a necklace and a mirror. It's not logical. How?

Iori: Oh, Miss Logical. I forgot.

Spoony: Oh yeah, that's cute. Yeah, you're looking for logic in a King of Fighters movie.

Mai: Iori, we're using earpieces. I mean, how does that even happen?

Iori: Look, I know it doesn't look like much, but that's the point. Chizuru's father was a genius. He was able to consolidate the existing energy waves from these artifacts and condense them into the earpieces we're using today. Now at the push of a button we're able to enter another dimension.

Mai: Wow.

Iori: I know, it's crazy.

Spoony: Ha ha, yeah. It's almost like it's technobabble you pulled straight out of your ass.

Mai: What about the third one?

Iori: That's the Kusanagi Sword. Most important of the treasures. Only the sword can defeat the Orochi. The Orochi's a spirit, or a demon that was banished into the dimension 1800 years ago. Legend has him promising unlimited power to anyone that frees him, but you would have to possess all three treasures to do so.

Spoony (vo): I'm sure having martial arts tournaments in the exact same dimension as an imprisoned demon can't possibly turn out bad. It's a good thing Chizuru here collected all three artifacts in the same place and put two whole guys guarding them at a publicized event.

(Outside, a man walks up to one of the guards. The next shot has the guard's blood splattered on the glass door)

(Clip from Knightmare)

Treguard: Oooh, nasty!

Spoony (vo): Oh jeez, and wouldn't you know it? A villain shows up and steals the artifacts. This is Rugal, played by stunt master Ray Park. And no, he doesn't look anything like (picture on the side) Rugal from the games either. But I still have to respect the hell out of any man who takes over the universe wearing a red and white polka dot scarf. That, my friends, is a man.

(A guard tries to escort Rugal out, only for Rugal to take his gun out)

Rugal Bernstein: Peek-a-boo. (and he shoots the guard dead)

Spoony (vo): Rugal grabs all the stuff, takes the sword and whacks Chizuru with it. Oh and by the way, (showing how unfair of a boss Chizuru Kagura is in KoF 96) Chizuru is one of the balls hardest and annoying bosses in the games and she just got taken out (showing Rugal knock Chizuru out) in one hit. Thanks for that, movie. Rugal runs off and uses his blood to activate the magic mirror and escape with the artifacts. (Rugal disappears into the other dimension, taking the artifacts with him) "Oh no, he's stolen artifacts that allow him to escape into another dimension. (Showing Iori using the earpiece to teleport to the dimension) That other dimension we can much more easily and painlessly access at any time with our magic earpieces. But it turns out the sword didn't go with him because it wasn't the magic sword. It was a fake.

Chizuru: It's a fake.

(Clip from Star Trek) (can anyone fill this out?)

Romulan: It's a fake!

Spoony (vo): To find the real sword, they go to the head of the Kusanagi clan, Saisyu, who might know where it's hidden. (looking over Saisyu's "deer in the headlights" look) Oh yeah, I had this same reaction when I saw the Green Lantern movie. Anyway, he's been mentally checked out for the last ten years and his son looks after him,

Kyo Kusanagi: I'm his son. Kyo Kusanagi.

Spoony (vo): Yeah, you're about as Japanese as (quick picture of) Goku from Dragonball Evolution. Fuck this movie! (back to Dragonball) And fuck that movie, too!

Iori: Kyo is a half-breed.

Spoony (vo): Yeah, half white and the other half white. Well he looked Japanese in the flashbacks. When Iori comes looking for the sword, too, the old guy finally wakes up.

(Saisyu snaps and grabs Iori)

Saisyu Kusanagi: I'll kill you!

(Kyo pulls him off when Saisyu has a moment of lucidity)

Saisyu: My son.

Kyo: Dad? (at that moment, Saisyu dies)

Spoony (vo): And then he...dies immediately.

Kyo: Dad!

Spoony (vo): Huh. I'm not really glossing anything over here, that just sort of happens. Meanwhile Chizuru's in the hospital trying to stop people from entering the other dimension because the last thing you wanna do when a guy's trying to take over the world is attempt to, you know, stop him in any way. (Rugal is seen with a ball of snakes on his hand) Just let him chill out and amass power with his hand in a ball of snakes. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense to me, either. (As Rugal) Hmm! No-now that is a weird sensation.

Scott: I've shut down the tournament as you instructed. (Throughout the scene, he's invoking the tropes of Hollywood Hacking and Rapid-Fire Typing)

Chizuru: And you sent out a warning to the fighters?

Scott: Yes.

Chizuru: Excellent.

Scott: Except...there's been an override.

Chizuru: From who?

Scott: Rugal.

Chizuru: Damn it. He's trying to take control of the tournament. But how?

Scott: Actually it's pretty fascinating. (he turns the laptop to Chizuru, showing the tournament standings)

Spoony (vo): (imitating Scott) See, look. I was totally typing like crazy to bring this window up. Because I am a computor nerd. And computor nerds type a lot to do things with computors. See? I made this with typing."

(We cut to the next scene which has a blonde woman in a suit and another in a towel)

Spoony (vo): And then we cut to what appears to be the set-up for a Cinemax lez scene. And ordinarily I'd do this thing where...

(back in the room)

Spoony: I pretend to be really horny and excited, but you and I both know this is a King of Fighters movie and we're so not gonna see anything good, so fuck it.

Vice: I'm up.

Mature: Remember the message we got? No one's supposed to accept challenges until Chizuru authorizes it. (Her own device goes off) Both of us.

Vice. I've never heard of two fighters entering at the same time.

Mature: This could be our chance. Two against one.

Spoony (vo): So she's completely disregarding the warning she gave not five seconds ago?

Spoony: What did this e-mail from Chizuru even say? Because nobody's taking it that fucking seriously. Just tell people that fucking Darth Maul has taken over the tournament, he's trying to wake up a magic dragon, and he can fucking kill you! Shit, if we're willing to accept magic bluetooth earpieces, I think we'll believe just about anything.

(Mature and Vice put the earpieces on and teleport...into darkness)

Vice: Wait. What's happened?

Mature: I don't know, something's wrong.

Spoony (vo): (sarcastic) Nnnooo. (The lights come on to reveal the two women are in a skating park) Oh yeah, and the other dimension has a skating park, too.

(Alice Cooper's "Man Behind the Mask" is played when Rugal appears wearing a goalie mask, hockey shirt and carrying a hockey stick. He skates down the ramp, past them and comes back around)

Rugal: Here I come, ladies. Welcome to Rugal's personal tournament.

(A caption appears saying "He can't pronounce his own name correctly.")

Spoony (vo): Now for some reason Rugal's wearing goofy costumes and joking around, which is completely out of character.

Rugal: (Skating towards the women) Two on one. Rugal Bernstein vs. Vice and Mature! (he charges into the two fighters) Ohh, hip shot direct to Mature. (the next scene has him lose control of his rollerblades and fall down)

Spoony (vo): He even falls on his ass while rollerblading around. This is the guy that's taking over the universe for christsake!

Rugal: (getting into a fighting stance) Bring it!

(The two fight against him)

Spoony (vo): I will give this movie credit, though. The special effect of his flaming kicks are pretty cool. Rugal beats them because they don't have CGI effects, but instead of killing them, he brainwashes them into being his mindless servants.

(Rugal is kissing Mature while Vice looks on)

Vice: What have you done?

Rugal: Let's just say she's bonding, and you're under contract.

(The next scene has Vice being held down on a chair by Mature)

Spoony (vo): Oh yeah, he can brainwash people by kissing them. Did we mention that? Because he totally can. (Rugal kisses Vice, putting her in his control) And with these fearsome lesbians under his control, Rugal has Vice here call all the other fighters up and tells them to disregard the previous warning. The warning coming from the person running the tournament. (Vice looks up the names of contacts and selects Ramon. The other names shown are Duo Lon, G Chan, Shermie)

Vice: Yeah I just got out of the tournament. I know, but it's fine. Rugal has improved the gameplay.

Spoony: I'm sorry, did we just forget about that whole plot about freeing the Orochi from the other dimension? You remember that? So Rugal can gain unlimited power? Because it doesn't really seem like Rugal's all that concerned about getting that third artifact.

Spoony (vo): He never mentions it again after losing it the first time or sends his minions to get it. In fact, when he takes it away from Kyo at the end of the movie, he fucking breaks it! That was the one thing you needed to rule the fucking universe! And where the hell is Terry Bogard in this fucking King of Fighters movie?

(A man comes into Chizuru's room)

Terry Bogard: Terry Bogard, CIA. (Just for reference, Terry Bogard is blonde, long-haired, wears a red jacket, blue jeans and a cap with Fatal Fury written on it)

(Spoony just hangs his head in disbelief.)

Terry: Not so fast there, supergeek. I need some answers. (he tries to take the laptop)

Chizuru: Scott, give Mr. Bogard the laptop.

Terry: Yeah, Scott.

Spoony: Okay, that's it. I quit.

Chizuru: Rugal's hiding in the tournament dimension. He's been consumed by the Orochi and he's trying to lure fighters in there to kill them.

Terry: Okay. Why exactly?

Chizuru: So he can be King of Fighters.

Spoony: King of Fighters? What does that even mean? I thought he wanted to become a god! Why is Terry Bogard a prickish CIA agent? This is wrong on every conceivable level. You know, if they won't do Terry Bogard right, I will!

Chizuru: So he can be King of Fighters.

Terry: Other dimension, king of tooth fairies. (Occasionally, voice clips from the game version of Terry are thrown in) (Get serious! Get ready! Go burn! Geese! Hey come on come on!)

Chizuru: Scott, give Mr. Bogard the laptop. (You dead!)

Spoony (vo): Terry wants some answers because Rugal's been killing people left and right. Although how he knows that and has pictures of the bodies since they're all being murdered in another dimension is a complete mystery.

Terry: A string of bodies, all members of this tournament.

Spoony (vo): Gosh, those fight scenes must've been pretty brutal and violent. Too bad we never saw them in your fighting movie! (A caption is shown with an arrow pointing at the laptop saying "Nothing on the screen")

Kyo: Guy who tried to kill my father.

Terry: Well we have to stop him.

Mai: The only way is to find the sword.

Kyo & Terry: Sword?

Terry: A sword.

Spoony (vo): Oh wow, where could the lost sword of the Kusanagi clan possibly be? It's been lost for a thousand years and even museum historians couldn't--(Kyo is opening a long case on his bed that has the sword) Oh, the kid just has it under his bed. Heh, Rugal never would've thought to look there. And get this, Mai's also working for the CIA and is an undercover agent investigating the King of Fighters tournament, even though up until this point as far as I can tell, they're not even doing anything remotely illegal. And really, since it's not even taking place on Earth, they don't seem to be doing anything at all.

Terry: Probably hate you cause you went AWOL and you didn't disclose your involvement in this secret interdimensional underground fighting tournament. No wait a minute, that's why I hate you.

Mai: I hate you. (Take it easy!)

Spoony (vo): And even though she's been undercover for years, she never thought it important enough to tell her boss that they all possess technology that allows people to cross to a previously unknown fucking dimension? And presents the opportunity for unfathomable scientific discovery? Did that never seem relevant to you, Mai?

Terry: Look, I don't know what's going on with these things. After I saw what it did with the Kusanagi kid, I had to do something.

Mai: So you used Chizuru's list to steal them from the fighters? (Sorry!)

Spoony (vo): Yeah, maybe instead of confiscating all the fighters' earpieces, which by the way took place entirely off camera, and assumes the CIA have agents placed worldwide that are able to subdue and take property from the greatest fighters in the world, maybe he shoud have gotten them all together to enter the fighting dimension at the same time and murder Rugal. Instead just a few of them go in there, get jumped, and immediately split up to get picked off by Rugal and his lesbians.

Rugal: When my world expands and merges with yours, this will be the real world. I'll be king of everything. I'm invincible.

Spoony (vo): You ever get the feeling this movie went through four rewrites? The first was everyone fight in the Matrix so they can explain everyone's silly video game costumes and then they were like "Wait a minute, Rugal can't take over the world from the Matrix." So then they made it a parralel dimension where he's trying to free a demon. And now they're trying to rip off Mortal Kombat because now Rugal wants to merge Outworld with Earthrealm. Why, I really don't know. It might help if this dimension's geography were even vaguely defined. I mean there's a freezer, a skate park, a dojo. Uh, Hill Valley from Back to the Future Part II. I mean what's the deal with this place? Where did all this shit come from?

Rugal: (leaning on a quarterstaff) Do you remember what this place is? This was your father's favorite level.

(Kyo charges at him and fights Rugal)

Spoony (vo): It was inevitable Ray Park was gonna get a quarterstaff in this movie, wasn't it?

("Duel of the Fates" from  Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace plays during the fight. Kyo is knocked down and reaching for his sword)

Rugal: Come on. This is boring.  Let's mix it up a little bit. (he throws the staff away and a pickaxe flies to him) Nah, too violent. (He throws it away and gets a baseball bat with nails in it) Ooh, it's a bit barbaric, isn't it? (That one gets replaced with a regular bat) Hey!

(Spoony's now doing the same bit as a foam hammer flies into his hand)

Spoony: (Imitating Rugal) Too Donkey Kong. (He throws it out and gets the Gunblade from Final Fantasy VIII) Too Final Fantasy. (He throws that out and gets the giant Dizzy Gillespie statue) Too jazzy!

(Terry is now fighting Vice while Mai fights Mature. Clips from the game verison of Terry are used)

Gaah! Ha! Hey come on come on! Power Dunk! Uwaah! Crack Shoot! Crack Shoot! Are you okay? Burn Knuckle! Hey you! Power Geyser! Go burn! Power Wave! Rising Tackle! (Not sure what the next two were) Hyaa! Get serious! Are you okay? Buster Wolf!

(Terry sees someone wearing a red and white cap, taking it) (Hey you!) (And then punches the guy out) (Go burn! Sorry!)

Rugal: So touching. It's good to see the two of you back together again. (Rugal throws a fireball at the group which Mai shields the group from, though it makes Kyo, Iori and Rugal go flying)

Spoony (vo): Okay now wait a minute, since when could she do that? This movie has no fucking rules!

Chizuru: Not so fast, Rugal.

Rugal: Chizuru. You've been busy. And I see you've brought toys.

(Another Chizuru appears)

Chizuru: It took some time, but we found the remaining pieces.

Spoony (vo): Me and my clones managed to steal the artifacts back from Rugal off camera. Good thing he didn't keep them safe or guard them in any way. Yeah, Chizuru can split into clones of herself because shut up, she can. Not that it does her any good because Rugal takes her out again in one punch.

Rugal: I'm too powerful now. Your precious treasures won't work on me!

Mai: Rugal!

(Rugal sends a flying flaming car after the group)

Rugal: Is there no one here to challenge me!?

(Kyo and Iori charge at Rugal. As Iori throws fireballs at him, Ryu from Street Fighter yells out Hadoken with each one. Terry deals with the mob, Mature and Vice behind him)

Hey you! Best wolf! (I may be wrong on that) Kick back! Hey come on come on! Crack Shoot! Uwaah! Power Dunk!

(Meanwhile, Kyo's getting the crap kicked out of him by Rugal, and then breaks the Kusanagi Sword)

Spoony (vo): So Rugal breaks the magic sword and all seems lost, but Kyo is saved at the last minute by inspirational flashbacks!

(Rugal charges up another fireball and throws it at him. Kyo is unharmed as a sword appears in his hand, absorbing the fire. Stats appear from his leveling up like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.)

Spoony (vo): Kyo gained the power of Deus Ex Machina! (Level 2! Strength +10, HP +20)

(Kyo twirls the sword around, then throws it at Rugal, which burns him to a crisp, then he blows up)

Spoony (vo): And in the end, Rugal is befeated and our heroes return home. Kyo decides to restart the tournament with honor and dignity. (Saisyu's ghost appears next to Kyo. Spoony mock freaks out) Aaah! A ghost! Aaah! Aaaah! (Normal) Well aside from the restless spirits of the dead walking the earth, it seems the power of the Orochi is broken and everything's just hunky dory. Os ir it? (Kyo and Iori stare at each other as a dramatic sting is used)

Spoony; You know, in a way it doesn't even really matter if this was a good movie or not because regardless, it completely rapes the King of Fighters game series, and the name is the only reason people would've watched it.

(A clip of the Rugal vs. Mature/Vice fight are shown)

Spoony (vo): Ray Park is the only good thing about this movie as he's an incredibly talented martial artist, and you can tell he's the only guy having any fun with his role at all.

Spoony: I simply cannot comprehend how you drop the ball on a series this simple. This is not an elaborate story with richly nuanced characters. This is King of Fighters for christsakes. The only video game series with less of a plot was D.O.A. (pointing to the poster behind him) And, well, at least this one seems to have chicks with big boobs.

(And we come to the credits with SadPanda's "Long Live The Spoony One" as the theme)

(One last clip of Terry in Chizuru's hospital room. He turns the laptop back to Scott)

Terry: Type in the password.

Scott: No.

Terry: Scott, there's a cell in Gitmo with your name on it. Type in the password.

Scott: The CIA can't do that anymore.

Terry: (turning the laptop to Chizuru) Yeah, I know. It sucks.

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