And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Kung Fu Panda."
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's this bear who wants to be a kung fu master.
And I think he's the bear from those Panda Express restaurants.
And so, he climbs these stairs.
And enters this big Chinese place.
To become the Kung Fu Panda!
Pandas will do that.
I had an aardvark that took up tap dancing.
Until I ate him.
And there's a female tiger known as Tigress.
And there's a female snake known as...Snake.
...What do you call a female snake anyway?
And they also have a monkey!
All great films have monkeys!
Remember "Chairman of the Board"? That had a monkey in it!
Wait, no, that was Carrot Top.
Who I think is a monkey!
And the person who does his voice is Jackie Chan!
Jackie Chan plays a monkey!
And he says great things like...
Like... (Scratches head)
I don't think the monkey talks in this movie!
What the hell?!
You get Jackie Chan to do a voice and then he never talks? That's bullcrap!
He can barely talk already! Why would you hire him as a voice?
And there's a turtle who turns into flowers!
I mean it! He turns into flowers!
What kind of a power is that??
Look out for the turtle! He's gonna make the world smell like petunias!
Watch out! He might whisk his way into an air freshener commercial!
So, the panda is being taught by a mousey.
Who looks like Pinky and the Brain's lovechild.
So, the mousey is like, "You're the dragon!"
And the panda is like, "No, dude, I'm a panda!"
Then the mousey is like, "You're right. Piss off!"
But then, this gray tiger guy breaks out of prison.
And he takes out, like, a million rhinoceroseseses!
So, the gray tiger and the big panda are kung fu fighting.
I swear to God, I didn't smoke anything.
And the panda grabs the gray tiger's pinky.
And the tiger explodes!
He actually explodes!
More movies need exploding gray tigers!
"Schindler's List" would've been so much better if it had an exploding gray tiger!
Instead, I explored the morality and inner spirituality of all mankind.
What a rip-off!
So, go see "Kung Fu Panda."
Although, don't try to train a real panda to do kung fu.
Th-They don't like that.
They mostly maul you.
The next time I go to Panda Express, I'm gonna get a helping of Kung Fu Panda!
With an extra serving of (Does kung fu pose) waahh!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, can you at least buy me some Panda Express? The orange chicken is delicious.