(Linkara is on his green futon, addressing a shocked and appalled look to the camera. He pulls up today's comic and glances at it with the same expression.)
Linkara: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? NO, REALLY. WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS THIS THING? (cooling off) Look, let's get something out of the way here. I'm a Lady Gaga fan.
(cut to clips from Poker Face music video)
Linkara (v/o): That's not to say that I love every single song she shoves out there, but I like Poker Face, I like Bad Romance, and I have them on my MP3 player. Her music is catchy, the videos stylistic and cool, and I've got no complaints as far as I know.
Linkara: When I first heard about a Lady Gaga comic, I expected, "Oh yeah, it's gonna be another stupid and boring biography comic." Of all the things I anticipated from this thing,... well, what we got was nowhere close to my expectations.
Linkara (v/o): And no, I sure as hell didn't buy this thing when it first came out. Just because I'm a fan doesn't mean I'm an idiot. Like I said, I figured it would either be a boring biography comic or just some moronic attempt to transform her into a superhero. At best, goofy stupidity that you could laugh along with, that's the kind of effort you expect out of this company, Bluewater Productions. This is the same company that publishes those ridiculously dull political biography comics. This company produced a comic about President Obama's dog. They made a comic about Stephanie Meyer for crying out loud.
Linkara: I probably wouldn't have even bothered with this thing, but then I actually read somebody else's review of it and... (can't put words to express his reaction to the whole thing) Ugh. Let's just dig in to Lady Gaga Number 1. Well, okay, technically FAME Number 1, but trust me. It's Lady Gaga and... WOW!
(Title card; Music plays: LoveGame by... well... Lady Gaga)
Linkara (v/o): You might be confused because I didn't give Lady Gaga's biography in the introduction. Well, that's because Lady Gaga is not actually in the comic until the very last page. Yes, in fact, the story is not about HER, but a FAN of hers, a creepy, creepy fan of hers.
Linkara: That's even dumber than giving her a comic where she gets superpowers or something. If I am paying money for something that has LADY GAGA right there on the side, I expect LADY GAGA!
Linkara (v/o): There are a number of alternate covers to this, but today we're focusing on Cover A, or Cover Purple. It appears to be an image of Lady Gaga that's been Lightboxed and repainted, truly work worthy of Rob Granito. You don't know who that is? Do a quick Google Search and you'll probably also find him under, "jackass who traces other people's work and then sells it as his own." Anyway, cover sucks and lies to us about Lady Gaga being in this thing. We open to some people I don't recognize singing on TV. Since I'm not hip with what the kids are listening to, I have no idea who these people are. We then see the guy who's watching this.
Bill: They call this music? Where's the pizzazz? Where's the glam?
Linkara (v/o): So yeah, we're just seeing this asshole sitting in a green chair and making snarky comments.
Linkara: Why would anyone find this entertaining? Just watching an overweight jerk in a hat sitting in a green sofa and making rude comments about other people's work and I think I'll shut up now.
Linkara (v/o): But yeah, this is our main character, Bill. We're introduced to him as he sits in his chair groaning about the state of music and wearing a shirt featuring a silhouette of... What is that, Frank Zappa? Freddie Mercury? The Master?
(MST3K: Manos: the Hands of Fate)
Tom Servo: Ohh, I get it.
Linkara (v/o): His wife comes in and asks him to take out the garbage since he can just change the channel when Nickelback comes on.
Bill: No, Babe. The batteries are dead.
Linkara: And it would just be impossible for you to take the tape off and replace the batteries. Seriously, are there any other main characters available that we can have? This one's defective.
Bill: These bands today, they don't have any of the style that our bands had.
Bill: Bowie, Freddie and Queen... Even friggin' Blondie could outplay any of them.
Linkara: Are you dissing Blondie? Because I'll tell you, buddy. I'd sure as hell would prefer listening to Heart of Glass right now than read this.
Linkara (v/o): By the way, comic, you don't get to talk about good music when your little "Fame" line also contains a book about the musical talent behind (Showing cover to Fame: Justin Bieber comic) "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe Lover."
This guide is incomplete. Please complete it. Thanks.