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Lady in the Water

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Lady in the Water

Ncladyinthewater

Released
January 26, 2016
Duration
30:22
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(We start off the episode with the Shyamalan Month opening, which has him dancing to the Looney Tunes theme with a top-hat and cane.)

Shyamalan: (singing) Why does everybody keep on hiring me? All of my work is shii-ii-ii-ii-it!

(Then we go to a poker table in 2006, where four directors are hanging out, playing poker and talking. Those directors are Peyton Reed (Doug), Phil Lord and Christopher Miller (Rob and Jim), and Jennifer Lee (Tamara))

Chris: Ha-haah, everything is awesome! (He takes the chips from the table)

Reed: Well done, Chris Miller, well done.

Chris: (proudly) Thank yooooou.

Phil: But, he's not the only one we should congratulate. Our own (cut to face of...) Jennifer Lee has gotten a job writing and directing at Disney.

(Reed applauds with two poker chips.)

Jennifer: (jokingly) Oh, it's nothing, just the most famous studio in the world.

Chris: Well, I suppose now we could bring her in on our real gamble.

Jennifer: (confused) Wh-what gamble?

Reed: Oh, every time a new filmmaker comes along, we make an impossible dare to see if they could pull it off...

Phil: Yes, and they, in turn, make dares back.

(Chris licks his poker chip.)

Jennifer: (smug) Reeeeally?...

Reed: And seeing how you're the newcomer with Disney, I bet you can't make an animated film that points out all the faults of the past Disney films, has two female heroes, one of them a queen...

Phil and Chris: Ooooooooh!

(Chris eats his poker chip.)

Reed: ...and have her sing a song so popular, even boys will be singing it.

Phil and Chris: Ooh-ooooooooooh!

(Chris coughs out his poker chip.)

Jennifer: Okay, I like a challenge, especially in this demographic; ruled by 13-year-old boys.

Chris: (wiping off the mucus from his poker chip on Phil's sleeve) They're always the most profitable.

(Chris pulls a face and throws the poker chip at Reed.)

Jennifer: But what about you, Mr. Peyton Reed?

Reed: (beat) What about me?

Jennifer: If I achieve that, then you have to make a successful superhero movie where the hero shrinks down to the size of an ant.

Phil and Chris: (Chris holds two chips over his eyes) Ooh-ooh-OOOOOOOOOH!

Reed: (hesitant) You know shrinking films are box office poison right now...

Jennifer: What's the matter? (throws chip) Not taking my raise?

Phil and Chris: (Chris holds a chip up to his eye like a monocle) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! (Both laugh in a posh manner.)

Reed: Oh, I'll call. (Throws chips.) Not that Miller and Lord over there (gesticulates with eyebrows) have the balls to do so.

Phil: Hey! We're just as ballsy as either of you!

Chris: Yeah! (gesticulates as if grabbing said balls)

Reed: Prove it.

Phil: (places a handful of chips onto the table) I bet that we could do a product placement movie so good that we can name the movie after the product, and nobody would care.

Chris: Yeah, and people would even be upset that it wasn't nominated for Best Animated Feature!

(Reed laughs condescendingly, when mysterious music starts playing.)

Voice from off-screen: Say...

(All turn to reveal Shyamalan shuffling a deck of cards.)

Shyamalan: Mind if... I play?

(A long pause....)

(Music stops and all shout "no" unsynchronizedly.)

Jennifer: Ha ha ha, NO.

Shyamalan: (holds up hands defensively) What? Why not?!

Jennifer: You SUCK at this game, Shyamalan!

Reed: Yeah, what's this idea that you can make trees scary?

Shyamalan: Baaah, that's later down the road. This idea is guaranteed to show you how talented I am.

Jennifer: Wait, isn't this the one that Disney didn't understand, so you stormed out, even though they were gonna fund it anyway?

Chris: Who does that?!

Reed: Yes, I've heard about this. You said Disney didn't respect individualism.

Shyamalan: They're a bunch of hacks who didn't realize my brilliance!

Phil: Yeah? What is this...brilliance?

Shyamalan: All right, the main character is named Story.

Reed: (drops all his chips) Out!

Jennifer: Not happening.

Shyamalan: She's an ancient creature called a Narf.

Chris: (sardonically) Oh, honey, you can't do this.

Shyamalan: And she's being chased by Scrunts, but saved by Tartutics.

Phil: You'd hear the bum down the street shouting stuff like this.

Chester A. Bum: (off-screen) Oh, come on, even I'm not that high!

Shyamalan: I will show the world that I am so good that I can make something so silly absolutely amazing! I mean, what else could happen to this movie?

(Immediate cut to the NC's desk, where he's sitting with a DVD in his hand.)

NC: Let's get this baby started!

(Scenes from the movie begin to play.)

NC (vo): While many see The Happening as Shyamalan's funniest 'So-Bad-It's-Good' film, I challenge them with the absolute mad ravings of Lady in the Water. Sure it's slower, and doesn't have quite as many silly performances; but the story is so insane, so ego-stroken, so freakin' bizarre, that if a well-known filmmaker's name wasn't attached to it, you'd swear it was written down on the walls of a mental institution. (picture of mental patient)

NC: There's so much to talk about, so let's not waste any time! Let's end Shyamalan Month with my favorite bad movie of his, Lady in the Water! (beat) Hoo-hooh...

NC (vo): It starts off with a backwash--I mean backstory--of this seemingly simple fable.

Narrator: Once, man and those in the water were linked. They inspired us, man listened, and it became real. But man does not listen very well.

NC: You just said they did...?

Narrator: Man's need to own everything led him deeper into land. The world of man became more violent, and war upon war played out, because there were no guides to listen to.

NC: Well, it they're so good at guiding people, how did they let this happen to begin with?

Narrator: A handful of their precious young ones have been sent. There are laws that are meant to keep the young ones safe, but they are sent with great risk to their lives.

NC: But WAIT, if there's laws to keep them safe, then why would they be at great risk!?

(Clip from A Few Good Men)

Jessup (played by Jack Nicholson): Sometimes, men take matters into their own hands...

NC: That's not what you said, movie-represented-now-by-Jack-Nicholson-performance! You said they were safe, but now they're at great risk, so they shouldn't be in any danger, shouldn't they, movie?

Jessup: You snotty little bastard...

NC: Why don't you just end with how every 'Humanity Sucks' story ends, saying how 'man has forgotten how to listen'?!

Narrator: Man had forgotten how to listen.

NC: (praying) Show us the way, movie, we know you have it, even though in the first two minutes you already have TONS AND TONS OF PROBLEMS, but we have faith in you.

NC (vo): We then cut to Paul Giamatti...

Random-Hispanic-stereotype-voice-from-off-screen: It's some kind of creature!

Cleveland Heep (Giamatti): Tell her it's not a creature, there's no such thing as creatures...

NC: ...A creature's just something you can't identify...like the tone of this movie.

NC (vo): A new tenant seems to be staying at the Cove - the apartment complex Giamatti works at - and he's a movie critic named Mr. Farber.

(Sudden cut to a shot of a woman's bottom.)

NC: (beat) ...Buenos di-ass...?

Cleveland: Uh, Mr. Farber, this is Young-Soon Choi, she lives with her mother in 8A. She's a, a student at the university.

NC: (impersonating Giamatti) Hey, if Shyamalan would be nice enough, maybe he'll cut to a shot that actually shows her face... (beat) Nope? Well, at least he held on a shot for a while. That automatically equals genius, you know?

NC (vo): But not as impressive as talking directly into the camera! Another typical Shyamalan trope.

Reggie: (speaking directly into the camera) I tell them it's, like, an experiment. I'm like a scientist.

NC: It's fascinating how greedy one can get with their "artsyness". In most movies, these kinds of shots are used sparingly, to establish mood.

NC (vo): (Speaks over various shots of people staring into the camera) But with Shyamalan, he uses it like how the director of Battlefield Earth uses tilted shots: "Weird angles sometimes? Weird angles ALWAYS!"

(Pictures of Shyamalan and Roger Christian jump about the screen.)

Shyamalan and Christian: WE'RE BRILLIANT, WE'RE BRILLIANT! AHH, WE DO THE BRILLIANT DANCE!

NC (vo): But who cares? It's time to figure out what stupid quirk this guy has!

NC: Because, as always, any quirk - no matter how stupid - always equals a developed character.

(He gets up and walks off screen.)

NC: Let's see what we have in our kitchen...

(Cut to a shot of the NC's kitchen, where he opens a cupboard.)

NC: Let's see what we have here, umm......

(Shot of the cupboard with the 'quirks' represented by little packets with pictures of characters on them.)

NC: "U Like Hot Dogs?"... "Expired Water"... Ah, here we are! "Working out half of your body for no reason!"

Reggie: Most people say: "Hey, what's wrong with you, Reggie? Why you only working out on one side of your body?"

NC: Remember, it doesn't need to make sense. You just have to say "that director has a style, and therefore it's good!" It's the law.

(Back to scenes from the movie, we see a shot where Reggie's head is covering up Cleveland's completely.)

NC (vo): That's a... well composed shot there... It looks effortlessly done, like there was no effort put into it whatsoever. It's almost as good as this one, with Giamatti ending his day, and the camera slowly tilting up to reveal... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

NC: You know, something visually interesting there might've been nice. Was even the Moon like:

(Shot of the Moon talking.)

Moon: Aw, hell no, I'm not bein' in dis shit. (zooms away)

(A scene from the film is suddenly shown, in which a splash of water appears in Cleveland's pool.)

NC: Mermando?

NC (vo): No, but trust me, it's something just as equally ridiculous. He goes on to the pool to inspect, when...

(Shots of random scenes of Cleveland jumping in and out of the pool.)

NC (vo): He was underwater, now he's not... Now he's back underwater, now he's not... Now he's out of the water, he slips, he goes back into the water, tries to get out, says 'naaah'... And he's suddenly in his room.

NC: Well, that was as easy to follow as a... (picture of) moth in a snowstorm.

NC (vo): There does, however, seem to be a wet naked woman in his room.

NC: (impersonating Cleveland) Ohh, not this again... Well, at least this one's alive...

Cleveland: Where are you from?

Story: Do you feel an awakening?

NC: (groans) Is that like a (air-quotes) Happening? Why don't you just replace all your dialogue with:

NC: (impersonating Story) Do you feel an inginging?

Cleveland: I don't even know your name...

Story: My name is Story.

NC: Ohh, yes, you heard that correctly. It's that kind of movie.

NC (vo): (impersonating Story) I have two siblings. An older sister named Long Story, and a younger sister named Short Story. I have a very honest mother we named True Story, an aging father named Old Story, a dead grandfather named Ghost Story, and for some reason, all of them remind me of my two pets, Cock and Bull Story.

NC: What I'm trying to say is, that name is stupid.

NC (vo): So he gives her a shirt, turning her into a Cover Story, and sleeps the night away holding her in his arms... Because, this really wasn't creepy enough yet.

Cleveland: Tell me, who in the world are you, anyway?

Story: Narf.

NC: Didn't catch that? Yeah, you did.

NC (vo): The name of her species is 'Narf'. And not only that, they say this word all the time, like it's a totally common name.

Various people in the film: If a Narf / A thousand Narfs / The Narf has come / A madam Narf / Narf / A Narf

NC: What, was 'Blath' already taken, or 'Pthwonk'? "Look out, we have to save the Nyehnyehnyehs! They're on the road for the Kerplocketyplocks!" Bitch, you for real?

NC (vo): He tries to carry her outside, but sees a wolf waiting in the distance.

NC (vo; mimicking the wolf creature): I serve the Nothing...which, apparently, this film has an abundance of.

(The creature growls, and both Cleveland and Story begin screaming and spasming.)

NC: What? Wha--

(Cut back to the film, where Story begins pointing while Giamatti carries her on his back.)

NC: Wh-What's going on?! Wha--

(Various shots of both screaming, and the camera zooms into the pool where there is absolutely nothing.)

NC: (shrugs and begins pointing as well) POOL! POOL! POOL! POOL! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Cleveland and Story run into the house and shut the door.)

NC: Oh, my God! How can you not burst out into laughter watching that scene?! Wh-what can you even say about it?

NC (vo): It looks like he's carrying an anorexic Julia Roberts to their honeymoon suite, while she wants the pool to pull her finger, just before a steroid chia-pet eats them alive!

NC: What is this?! I-pf-ju-WHAT IS THIS?

NC (vo): So he decides to ask someone who would obviously know all about mythical creatures: Rufio!

Cleveland: Could you look up the word 'Narf' for me?

NC: (imitating Cleveland) I'm sure you've come across them from your adventures in Neverland.

Choi: It's an Eastern bedtime story, Mr. Heep.

NC (vo): Uh, yeah, I wouldn't insult Eastern storytelling like that. I think the correct answer is: "Oh, that sounds like a word from the same idiot who came up with 'Cypher Raige'."

NC: Very common Eastern name.

NC (vo): But her mother knows all about it - what are the odds - and she says the Narf--(bursts out into laughter) I'm sorry, that's gonna take some getting used to... --has to meet the Chosen One so that she can inspire him.

Choi: She will return with the Great Eatlon, a giant eagle...

NC: They, of course, cut out the scene where she ate five pot-brownies before saying this, but you get the idea.

NC (vo): So, Giamatti looks for this Chosen One, who Story says is a writer. Though, again, you could just replace all the dialogue with: "What's your quirk?"

Voice in film: She's very good with animals.

NC: Hmm-hmm, and your quirk?

Dury: Crossword puzzles.

NC: And your quirk?

Stoner #1: Let's make up a witty phrase.

Stoner #2: Baby's on the half-tip.

Stoner #1: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH, SNAP! THERE YA GO!

NC: Jesus, you can't even do stoners right. That's not how a stoner screams, that's...one of the Rice Crispy elves watching another one die.

(Animation of just that, with the sound from the movie.)

NC (vo): Of course, Giamatti is so focused on finding a writer that he completely overlooks the person he's known for years that is a writer.

Voice in film: How's the writing?

(A light bulb appears over Cleveland's head, with Elliot Moore inside it.)

Elliot: Duh!

NC (vo): But Story has been eavesdropping in his diary to learn about his past.

Story: A night a man entered your home when you were not there. He stole many things and killed your wife and children. That is when you stopped being happy.

NC: Brilliant deduction there, Nancy Drew. Any other obvious dots you'd like to connect?

NC (vo): (impersonating Story) When I hit my head, that's when my head hurts. When my butt farts, that's when the air smells bad! When I run in high heels, people will focus more on that then how dumb the rest of the movie is!

NC: Why don't you get suited up in your proper uniform? (picture of a suit with a giant sign reading 'CAPTAIN OBVIOUS'.)

NC (vo): But, Giamatti introduces the writer to her, and... (laughs) Take a wild guess who plays him.

(Surprise, surprise - it's Shyamalan.)

NC (vo): That's right, the writer who really has lost his muse. Yeah, take a good look there, Shyamalan. That's the closest to story you'll ever get!

Farber: ...and have seemingly irrelevant and tedious dialogue that seems to regurgitate forever.

Ran (Shyamalan): Nice meeting you.

Story: I'm so happy we saw each other.

NC (vo): So, he's inspired to go write Devil, as Giamatti tries to get story back home, but the grass hyena is still out there.

(Cleveland and Story run up some stairs.)

Cleveland: What's happening?! I thought it was gonna be safe!

NC (vo): (impersonating Cleveland) We're okay now. Thank God he can't climb stairs...

NC (vo): So he tries to get more information from the Korean peacock, who seems totally fine interrupting her clubbing to talk about fairy tales.

Choi: (over the phone) She says only a rogue Scrunt will break the law that night, because most Scrunts are afraid.

Cleveland: Afraid of what?!

Choi: Tartutic.

NC: (laughing) Oh, my God - Scrunts, Narfs, Tartutics; these all sound like cartoon characters sneezing!

NC (vo): Just look at Giamatti's face after hearing all this. He's like: (impersonating Giamatti) Well, I'm in a bomb.

NC: This whole thing reads like a drunk mother reading a half-assed bedtime story to her kid!

(Cut to a bed where a child (Malcolm) is sleeping, and his Druggo Mom (Tamara) is sitting beside him, smoking.)

DM: This is a story about... (thinking) ...Story......

Child: The character's named Story?

DM: Urp, yes...yup. Aaand, she is an ancient-- (burps and hiccups at the same time)

Child: ...Narf?

DM: Uh-huh, yes. (touches Malcolm's face) And she's running... Running away from the... The mean-- (snorts cocaine)

Child: ....Scrunts?

DM: Mm-hmm... And it all took place in modern times! Good night! (passes out)

Child: (beat) Well, it's better than the time you said the trees did it.

(Commercial break.)

(Return to movie.)

NC (vo): So, (sigh) fearing this story is sounding 100% like coke ravings, Korean Britney Spears brings back the dramatic tone... Just try to listen to this with any hint of seriousness.

Choi: A Thousand Narfs is about a rare Narf who comes once in a generation of a Narf...

(Cut to NC laughing with his head on the desk.)

Choi: ...who is called the Madam Narf. A Scrunt will do anything to kill a Madam Narf, even forget his fears of the Tartutic...

(Another cut to the NC, laughing even harder.)

Cleveland: Will she know that she's a Madam Narf?

NC: Okay, I'm sure Shyamalan is hearing this really intense, dramatic story, but to the rest of the world, all we can hear is:

Choi: A thousand--

Pinky (from Pinky and the Brain): NARF!

Choi: A rare--

Pinky: NARF!

Choi: The Madam--

Pinky: NARF!

Choi: Kill a Madam--

Pinky: NARF!

Choi: The Madam--

Pinky: NARF!

Choi: ...herself.

Cleveland: Will she know that she's a Madam--

Pinky: NARF!

Choi: Once in a generation of a--

Pinky: NARF!

NC: I would give anything if the twist to this movie was that the entire time, it was (picture of) Pinky and the Brain trying to take over the world. Literally, every single problem would be fixed if they'd just do that twist! It's a Warner Bros. movie, MAKE IT HAPPEN!

NC (vo): Speaking of which, the master writer himself is told that his writing is going to change the world and give inspiration - I shit you not here - to the future president.

Story: This boy...will become leader of this country...and begin a movement of great change...

NC (vo): But ALSO - yeah, it gets even better - his ideas will be so dangerous that someone will eventually take his life because of them, and yet, he still chooses to write the story; sacrificing himself not only for his art, but for the world.

NC: Wow. Is it windy on that egotistical high-horse that you built for yourself?

NC (vo): I mean, Christ, you can see his boner growing with every praising word.

Story: He will speak of you and your words...

(Shyamalan's boner creeps onto the screen.)

Story: Your book will be the seeds of many of his great thoughts...

(It grows.)

Story: It will be the seeds of change.

(The boner grows even more, and then implodes.)

NC: Ooh, now that's a messy story...

NC (vo): So Giamatti is told that Rufio's mother will only tell the rest of the story if she can see him like a child.

Choi: You have to make her see you as a child - innocent.

NC (vo): So... (sigh) I can't even...just watch...

(Cleveland, with milk on his moustache, lays down onto the bed sideways slowly, with a psychopathic look on his face, while flopping his arms between his legs like a fish.)

(Cut to the NC, who is completely gobsmacked.)

Cleveland: Tell her it's a beautiful story...

(Choi speaks to her mother in Korean.)

Cleveland: Are there, are there any parts that might be good to hear?

(Cut back to the NC, who is still as gobsmacked as before.)

(Choi and her mother laugh at him.)

NC: (calm) Okay, so...let's say this represents the world of Sanity... (He points, and the word 'SANITY' appears.) ...and this represents the Edge of Sanity... (He points again, and the words 'EDGE OF SANITY' appear.) ...and this represents the world of Insanity. (He points once more, and 'INSANITY' appears. After a beat...) You would be on (picture of) MARS, you are so friggin' gone!

NC (vo): Because we have no idea where the hell you are to come up with a scene this GODDAMN BONKERS!

NC: I mean, what the hell is going on!? Is...THIS...

(Clip of Cleveland in the aforementioned scene)

NC (vo): ...what you do with all your Oscar nominated actors? Make them look like they're jerking off sideways, while peeing like a dog?

NC: That's not acting like a child, that's acting like three lobotomies were given to you! In maple syrup! (long pause) WHAT ARE YOU?!

NC (vo): So the (Imitates Pinky) Narf (normal) can't say anything about her world for...reasons, but it's okay, because she touches her ear to answer yes or no questions as that doesn't count for...reasons. So, there's a Symbolist, a Guardian, a Healer, and a Guild he's supposed to find in order to help her. And before you say anything, yes, this "simple bedtime story" is as goddamn complicated as a friggin' D&D game!

Anna: Do you know who the Symbolist or Interpreter is?

NC: I don't know, let's roll the dice to find out! (mimes rolling dice)

NC (vo): So he goes to the crossword guy and his...increasingly strange son...

Joey: This picture on the cereal box is supposed to make you feel happy... I feel sad, like that time you forgot to pick me up at school...

NC: (has his usual squinty-eyed "Jesus Christ what are you smoking" face) (beat) Are we in Wonderland?

NC (vo): He finds the others as well, and takes them to a naked cut-up lady he's keeping in his shower... This raises no concerns...

Dury: Now, the Interpreter will tell us what to do. Nine letters across is the word 'essential'. Ahh, and I thought that was weird.

NC: Really? That's weird? You're...using a crossword puzzle to predict the future in front of a naked woman who's been kidnapped by the Sideways guy, and that's friggin' weird!?

Farber: Who does that?

NC (vo): The funny thing is, even by bedtime story standards, there's practically no action in any of this. I mean, did Shyamalan actually read this to his kids every night?

NC: (reading a book) And then they sat around the shower for a bit, doing crosswords, as Mr. Heep toured the apartments for a fifth time, to talk to even more people.

Child from off-screen: Daddy, can you read us Snow White?

NC: Oh, kids, that story doesn't have nearly enough references to another story to make it interesting! This is a bedtime story (air-quotes) for a new generation!

Child: But it's boring, we can barely stay awake!

NC: That means it's working.

NC (vo): So he, apparently, can see the Scrunts by walking backwards and looking in a mirror. Why?

NC: Because it's less complicated than (mimes) doing jumping jacks and looking through a fruit loop! Just get used to nothing being explained!

NC (vo): The Scrunt scares him away, but to be fair, you were asking Paul Giamatti to protect you, what'd you think was going to happen? In fact, you saved him the first time! You really thought this was the guy who was gonna be on top of things?

Farber: There is no originality left in the world, Mr. Heep.

NC (vo): So they work on a new strategy.

Story: A Scrunt will hide unless he can't hide in his environment.

NC: ...Doesn't that go without saying? He'll hide unless he can't hide? (mouths) Wha...?

NC (vo): So they decide to throw a party to distract the Scrunt - yeah, always good to throw other people's lives in there - as we're realizing, getting closer and closer to the end, that this really shouldn't have been called Lady in the Water. She barely does a friggin' thing!

NC: What they should've called it is Whispering, because that's all anybody does!

(Various shots of people whispering.)

Grandpa Simpson: Turn it up! TURN IT UP!

NC (vo): So they wait for the eagle to come and get her, as apparently nobody in the party would notice that. But hey, if they don't notice a grass dog attacking a woman and dragging her into the woods, I guess they wouldn't notice that either! Oh, by the way, a grass dog attacks her and drags her into the woods.

NC: Oh, no, this is terrible! What should we do?!

NC (vo): More crosswords! But, big shock, they start to ask: "What if this is all a little crazy?"

Dury: Why are you so certain that I am the Interpreter and they are the Guild?

Cleveland: I... asked someone.

Dury: What kind of person would be so arrogant to assume to know the intention of another human being? Who is it that put this young girl's life in jeopardy?

NC: What heartless demon who gives points of view on art has doomed mankind for all eternity?!

(Shot of Farber entering an alley.)

NC (vo): (gasp) The critic!

(The audience boos, the Nostalgia Critic joins, albeit sarcastically.)

NC: Booooo! BOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOO!

NC (vo): If only he praised Shyamalan--I mean any random writers of their genius! But no, he had to point out the faults of movies like Signs--I mean any random story!

NC: This is all so obviously about Shyamalan--I mean Shyamalan--I mean Shyamalan--I mean YOU! (beat) If you were Shyamalan...

NC (vo): Look at this; he writes the critic so one-dimensionally that he actually confuses real life for a movie!

Farber: It's precisely the moment where the mutation or beast will attempt to kill an unlikable side character... In stories where there has been no prior cursing, nudity, killing, the unlikable side character will narrowly escape, and may even be given a humorous moment to allow the audience to feel good about him.

NC: (laughing) This is really hard. It's really hard for me to get through this! I (laughs) 'cause that's all they are! That's all critics are! It's literally just:

"My life is a movie, everything is connected to movie, (begins impersonating a robot while doing C-3PO hand gestures) I am robot, I judge and hate everything, there is no personal vendetta going on at all, it is about you, it is not about one individual person who... (short shot of Vick Ran) probably is in this film somewhere, I mean, I can't see him at all, it's just too subtle, but maybe he's in the movie!" (laughs psychopathically while the Scrunt eats Farber alive)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional, I, I should stay serious, that won't happen again, I mean, I'll just get it out a little bit more-- (laughs again)--Okay, okay, won't happen again, I promise... (clears throat and calms down) So, after that... stellar satire of criticism, really, SNL-worthy...

NC (vo): They start to wonder if anyone else could possibly be the Interpreter.

(Shot of Dury's son, Joey, talking into the camera.)

Joey: The hands of the Guild will be needed, plus two others.

(It is shown that he's predicting all this by looking at a cupboard in which there lay boxes of cereal. He keeps talking and the camera keeps cutting from him and back to the Critic.)

(At the moment of the revelation, the NC's jaw drops as low as Jacob Marley's, and he begins banging his desk with his palm and leaning backward. He then proceeds to have a desk-slam-induced seizure on the table, and soon after that proceeds to choke on air, producing a sound akin to a frog dying in a vat of acid. He then begins making insane gestures, as captions appear on the screen.)

Captions: I am using sign language as I am laughing too hard to speak. This can't be real! This is INSANE!

(The NC bobs his head a few times, before his oesophagus apparently clears and he begins laughing inanely until his face turns a light shade of burgundy. He leans back on his chair, and flails his legs in the air. After the next cut, he is on the ground, with only his still-flailing legs visible.)

NC: OOOOOOH, MYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! (continues laughing)

(He climbs back onto the chair and stops laughing as hard.)

NC: People at home! You are not stoned, you are not high, you are seeing this correctly! (beat) A little boy, with incredible detail, is predicting the future of an ancient civilization... by staring at cereal boxes. Cereal boxes! Oh, my God! I'm crying, I'm actually crying! This is so funny! Wh-wha-whuh-what is he going to see?!

NC (vo): That Cookie Crook will go Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs when Cap'n Crunch's neck goes Snap, Crackle, Pop, and it'll be grrrrrreat?

NC: Wh-what, are fortune cookies too hard to understand? (laughs) I CAN'T BREEEEEEEEATHE!

Joey: All must hurry. This will all be over in moments...

NC: Now onto the spice rack, where I will predict the Second Coming of Jesus! (bursts into more laughter) Oh, my God! (even more laughter) Oops, I just came a bit...

Joey: I read it wrong. I thought it said "she will lead a ceremony of seven sisters to bring strength to the moment."

NC: But it really just said "Cinnamon Toast Crunch"...

NC (vo): It turns out Giamatti has to be the Healer because, well, symbolically, it ties to his family and that dead horse is so kicked, you can see the Nike symbol indented into it. It, of course, brings her back to life, as the 'big Shyamalan twist' is finally revealed!

(A shot of Reggie appears, which immediately cuts to the entrance to the Cove.)

NC: Oh, my God, it takes place at the Cove! (realizes) Wait, I already knew that, why did you cut to that? What the hell's the twist?

Cleveland: He's the Guardian!

NC (vo): Reggie's the Guardian? Wow, I didn't know cliffnotes could serve as twists now. I mean, "Ooooh, you really got me, aaahhhhhh... to look at the movie a whole different way nooooow..."

NC (vo): And then, apparently... these things come out.

(Enter stupid-looking tree creatures.)

NC (vo): (impersonating the creature) I am Groot, your ass is grass.

(The Great Eatlon suddenly appears as well.)

NC: (pointing) The eagles are coming! The eagles are coming!

NC (vo): And, no kidding, that's the ending. Yeah - the eagle picks her up, and it just stops. Even Giamatti has a look on his face like: (mimicking Giamatti) That's it?! Are you kidding me? My two-minute cameo in Downtown Abbey was worth more of my time than this!

NC: People... I know The Happening is fun. But, where else can you see...

NC (vo): ...a Narf outrunning a Scrunt, with Paul Giamatti waving his leg and touching himself in front of two women, helped by a guy predicting the future through crosswords, who gave birth to a prophet who can read mythologies that are part of a complete breakfast, with a critic who dares call this all insane, portrayed as the bad guy, with tree hawks beating up grass stains with teeth, while a giant eagle picks up a whispering tart whose only job was to tell a person to write a book, and the twist centers around a guy we saw only for two minutes in the opening?!

NC: How can this not be the masterpiece of madness? Complete and total entertaining madness?! So, to show my appreciation for this incredible experience, I am finally going to give Shyamalan exactly what he wants...

(An explosion is heard, as Shyamalan enters the room.)

Shyamalan: You summoned?

NC: ...Sit down, Shyamalan.

Shyamalan: (beat) Alright.

(He sits down on an armchair, while the NC, Malcolm and Tamara sit on the sofa.)

NC: Tell me about your genius method in making this film.

Shyamalan: ...Really?

(All three nod. Shyamalan takes off his mask. He then begins speaking in a voice way more childish, high-pitched and nasally than the one he had with the mask on.)

Shyamalan: Well, I was trying to get across how creative artists are always kept town by cynicism.

Malcolm: Ah, so the woman's story actually represents the artist's story.

Shyamalan: Yeah! I never knew if I made that clear enough.

Tamara: And, am I correct in thinking that the character of the critic is a subtle jab to the people who don't understand your work?

Shyamalan: Exactly! You don't think that came off too strong, do you?

Tamara: Of course not.

Malcolm: I thought it was downplayed, actually.

Shyamalan: So, I wanted to get across that all the people in the world who criticize - they're the real death of dreams.

NC: And how did you come up with those incredible names, it sounds like they came from a language that's existed for years!

Shyamalan: That was my intention! You see, I'm a big fan of creating other worlds, and other worlds have different sounding names, so I said to myself: "What sounds weird and otherworldly?" A Narf. You just hear that word, and you immediately...

(Both the sound and picture fade out, as the camera zooms into the Critic's still nodding face.)

(The credits play, and the Channel Awesome logo appears.)

Pinky: NARF!

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