Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
January 9, 2018
(After the Channel Awesome logo, we start off in the year 1997 as gunshots are heard. It cuts to a teenage Nostalgia Critic in his room (posters for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Smashing Pumpkins and Seinfeld are hanging on the wall) playing Tomb Raider on PlayStation as Lara does backflips while firing her guns at a T-Rex)
TNC: Yeah, Tomb Raider! Oh, my God, this is the greatest game in the world! Yeah, Tomb Raider, it's 1997. Yeah, Lara Croft's awesome. You are awesome, Lara Croft! Yeah! Oh, if only you existed in real life.
Voice: Don't I, though?
(TNC looks to his right and sees "Lara" (played by Tamara) standing in his room with a polygon face over her head and her chest looking quite boxy)
Lara: From one of the most revolutionary games ever made, challenging the world of male dominated main characters, creating a new timeless icon that can change and evolve. But none of that matters to your horny 14-year-old mind, does it?
Lara: You just want to look at what your limited knowledge of pixel technology finds sexy.
TNC: Oh, your smooth pointy face, your terrifyingly large lips, and your breasts. (quick shot of her boobs) Ohhh, so square.
Lara: You know nothing will ever be sexier than me.
TNC: Never. Never!
(In the present day, NC wakes up at his review room, looking around and seeing the Blu-Ray of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider on the table)
(And we cut to the 2017 opening, then we are shown NC in his room)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. There's a saying when it comes to video game movies, and it goes something like this: video game movies suck.
(Images of Super Mario Bros.: The Movie are shown, as well as various posters and images of other various video game film adaptations)
NC (vo): So many classic titles that changed gaming as we know it often result in painful, annoying, or just downright forgettable films. Yet, there's always fans out there who insist they're not as bad as everyone says they are. Mortal Kombat?
NC: (sounding laidback) Come on!
NC (vo): Warcraft?
NC: It's like the game, so... that's good, right?
NC (vo): Max Payne?
NC: Okay, everybody hated that one. But...
NC (vo): ...Prince of Persia?
NC: (shrugs; unsure) I didn't walk out on it.
NC (vo): And then there's films like Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
NC: (looks unsure of what to think of that movie, before exclaiming) Come on!
(The title of the movie is shown, before showing various clips)
NC (vo): Based on the groundbreaking franchise, Tomb Raider followed the adventures of millionaire arche-kind-of-ologist Lara Croft, played here by Angelina Jolie. While it did well at the box office, it's rarely brought up as a good video game movie and got panned hard by critics when it came out.
NC: (sounding snobbish) I expected more out of something based off of T-Rex and giant zombie battles.
NC (vo): Okay, it's clear this is gonna be a ridiculous outing, and it's gonna have fans and haters no matter what, but is there value to watching it years later? Does it hold up in any respect? Is it just a dated product of the times? Or, much like Lara's TV tray rack, is it somehow both?
NC: Let's journey back to the early 2000s to find out. This is Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
(The movie starts by showing Lara Croft hanging on a rope at a temple)
NC (vo): We open with Lara hanging around on the set of Legends of the Hidden Temple.
(Music from Legends of the Hidden Temple is heard as an announcer speaks, while movie scenes of the following are shown)
Announcer (Malcolm): Your quest is to work in a robot fight, training montage, and shower scene in the first five minutes of screen time!
(Lara jumps off the rope she was hanging on and lands on her feet)
NC: Ha-ha! Years from now, we'll be the only action movie associated with using wires!
(As Lara looks around the temple, a giant robot suddenly appears and faces her)
NC (vo): Well, they didn't wait long on the stupid.
(Lara fights the robot by shooting two guns at it)
NC: Don't worry! As everybody knows, bullets stop metal!
(Lara wins the fight by causing a pillar to fall on top of the robot, crushing it)
NC (vo; as Lara): This calls for a celebratory gun flip! (Lara looks at the item she was trying to get in the temple, before flipping her guns into her pockets again) Eh, one more.
(The robot suddenly gets up and the fight continues. Lara flips and runs over another collapsing pillar)
NC: We hope you're enjoying The Tomb Raider Stunt Show.
NC (vo): Watch as she pretends to be overpowered as convincingly as Bela Lugosi fights an octopus. (That mentioned scene from Ed Wood is briefly shown)
Lara Croft: Stop!
(The robot stops fighting her and switches off. It's revealed that the whole temple scenario and robot fight was a training exercise for Lara at her mansion)
NC (vo): This is, what a shock, just a training exercise in case she comes across...real killer robots in ancient tombs. And if you're wondering how she can afford a training setup so elaborate, it's because she's basically a mix of Bruce Wayne's stupid rich money mixed with Indiana Jones' side job...except she doesn't do it to preserve history or avenge her dead parents or anything. She does it because...it's just cool.
NC: And I'm not gonna lie, I'm weirdly okay with that.
(Various scenes showing Lara in action are shown)
NC (vo): Lara in this movie is a straight-up adrenaline junky. She does everything for the thrill of it.
NC: And though I can't act like she's blown me away in other movies, I have to admit, a lot of the character's credibility is because of Jolie's performance.
(Various images of Angelina Jolie are shown)
NC (vo): You see, back in the day, she was kind of a wild star, making out in public, filming her own drug deals, going to S&M clubs, even carrying around a vial of her husband's blood around her neck. Since then, she's calmed down and got more serious, but, yeah. (More scenes of Lara in action are shown) When she fights giant robots, rides motorcycles, and bungee-jumps in her own living room just because, I totally buy that she's crazy enough to do it just because.
NC: I'm surprised she hasn't traveled to the moon to get space cheese. (An image of a DuckTales video game is shown)
NC (vo): Though, her butler, played by Chris Barrie, doesn't always approve of her wild ways.
(Lara, walking out of the shower, talks with her butler, Hillary, who is holding two girls' dresses)
Lara: Very funny.
Hillary: I'm only trying to turn you into a lady. And a lady should be modest.
Lara: Yes. A lady should be modest.
NC (vo; as Lara): Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the children's museum like this.
(The film cuts to Venice, Italy, before showing the Illuminati, led by Manfred Powell, having a meeting)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, in the evil fast-moving clouds of Venice, the Illuminati are talking about finding the ancient artifact that'll give them supreme power.
NC: Because what do you really think the plot to 2001's Tomb Raider would be?
NC (vo): This is Mr. Powell, played by Iain Glen, (An image of Jorah from Game of Thrones, whom Glen also played, is shown) who's done this ancient mysterious cryptic talk so much, he can make an episode of Dora the Explorer sound epic.
Manfred Powell: We're working through clues based on ancient cosmological models. We will have our answer in time for the relevant planetary alignment.
NC: (as Powell) We will find Boots. (An image of Boots the monkey from Dora the Explorer is shown)
Illuminati Leader: We will have possession of the key in...one...week.
Powell: Yes, indeed.
NC (vo; as an Illuminati Leader): Now onto the next order of business: What sex is your assistant? (Powell's assistant is shown to be wearing a mullet) It's been driving us nuts for days.
(Lara and Hillary are shown talking in Lara's room in the mansion)
NC (vo): Lara gets news of this from her butler, but she's not exactly in the best mood.
Hillary: It's adventure time.
NC (vo; as Hillary): Come on, grab your friends.
Lara: It's nothing but pyramids and sand.
Hillary: I know. It gets everywhere, in the cracks.
(A clip from Star Wars: Attack of the Clones is shown)
Anakin Skywalker: Not like here. Here, everything's soft.
Lara: Do you know what day it is, Hillary?
NC: (as Hillary) Gazpacho Soup Day.
NC (vo): It looks like it's the anniversary of her father's death, a death that still haunts her to this day.
(Lara, while sleeping, has a nightmare showing a coffin breaking apart, revealing light. She wakes up, holding a knife)
NC (vo; as Lara): I'll cut you good, dream! (Normal) This nightmare awakens something in her, though, something hidden under the stairs.
(Lara, using a table model, breaks open a wall under the staircase, revealing a secret room inside)
NC: (acting as Lara searching for something) Let me just push that corpse of Harry Potter out of the way.
(Lara discovers an old clock in the room)
NC (vo): It's a clock of some kind, which she gives to her computer expert, Bryce.
(Lara knocks on the bedroom door where Bryce is sleeping in)
(Bryce is shown sleeping with a moving toy robot on his bed. That moment leaves NC stunned)
NC: I do not want to know what he's doing with that toy in his bed.
(Bryce awakens and opens the door to see Lara)
Bryce: What's that smell?
Lara: 5 A.M.
NC: (shrugs) I have no joke. I just love that line.
(Bryce is shown experimenting on the clock with a magnifying glass and a computer screen as Lara and Hillary watch)
Bryce: Well, I'm gonna need some coffee.
Hillary: Decaf latte with non-fat milk. (Gives Bryce some coffee)
Bryce: Count me in.
NC (vo): Uh, here's a science question, genius. How does decaf coffee wake you up?
Lara: Where is that?
Bryce: I don't know it.
(Lara uses a hammer to start smashing the clock to pieces)
NC: You know, for a finder of ancient relics, she's as delicate as...well...a hammer to a clock.
NC (vo): She finds something of importance inside and takes it to a friend of hers, who works at an auction house.
(Lara is shown witnessing an auction going on, as she waves to one of the top bidders, Wilson)
Judge: Three hundred thousand. Two million three...two million, four hundred thousand. Lady's big. Two million, four hundred thousand pounds. Two million, five hundred thousand pounds. In a new place, at two million, five hundred thousand pounds.
(Lara is shown going "phew" during the auction)
NC: Phew? You'd probably eat that money on toast.
(Lara is shown meeting up with another adventurer, Alex West)
NC (vo): She comes across an old frenemy named Alex, played by then-unknown actor Daniel Craig.
Alex: (speaking in an American accent) You know, I think it's...really cool that you still have a day job. You aren't still pretending to be a photo journalist?
NC: You still pretending to be American?
Lara: Are you still pretending to be an archeologist? You stole my prayer wheels.
Alex: Stole? From you, you know, that's funny. You know, it's...it's not like you ever really own them or anything.
NC: I think they're in a competition to see whose accent...
NC (vo): ...can be more insulting to the other's nationality.
Lara: It's all just a business.
Alex: Hey, you're the tomb raider.
(Cut to a clip of Mary Poppins, showing Mary Poppins and Bert dancing at the countryside)
Bert: (singing) Ain't it a glorious day? / Right as a morning in May...
NC (vo): Actually, this is kind of weird. He's invested, excitable, giving a shit about what he's talking about.
NC: You are Daniel Craig, right?
NC (vo): At first, it looks like her friend can't help her, but later that night, he refers her to Mr. Powell. She goes to visit Powell, as it's sounding more and more like anyone rich in this universe is secretly a tomb raider.
(Lara visits Powell's mansion, attended by lots of people, as she speaks with Powell's assistant, Mr. Pimms)
Lara: What does Mr. Powell do?
Mr. Pimms: He's a lawyer. I'm his law class.
Lara: A lawyer?
NC: He invested in Bitcoin, okay? (A caption pops up, saying "Aaaaaand this review's now dated")
Mr. Pimms: I'm actually his...his associate, uh, Mr. Pimms.
Lara: Mr. Pimms?
Mr. Pimms: Like the beverage. (Chuckles)
NC (vo; as Mr. Pimms): Well, that bit went nowhere. Next scene.
(Lara meets with Powell, who examines the photograph of the clock)
Powell: Very interesting. But the origin of this clock completely eludes me. This is a pleasurable torment. My ignorance amuses me.
NC: That line is so ridiculous, even the film makes fun of it.
(Cut back to show Lara speaking with Bryce)
Bryce: "My ignorance amuses me." (Scoffs) "My ignorance amuses me"?
NC: Yes, he also said, "Don't blink, and the camera's your lover." (That clip of Michael Caine saying that line is shown briefly)
(Lara is shown bungee-jumping in her mansion)
NC (vo): As stated before, Lara spends her evenings bungee-jumping in her own living room, hoping in no way an action sequence breaks out in the middle of it.
(Suddenly, several armed commandos invade the house by breaking through the rooftop glass. Lara stands face-to-face with one of the commandos, tilting her head and giving a brief smirk before she begins dodging the commandos' bullets)
NC: You know, I was gonna make a joke about a millionaire having the worst security possible, but judging by that look, she was probably waiting for someone to break in to give her some excitement!
NC (vo): She is so hungry for shit to happen, it's like a robber coming across an unlocked door and seeing this.
(Cut to a skit showing a robber (Jim Jarosz) breaking into a house. He sees the house's owner (Malcolm) smiling eagerly and holding a machine gun, sitting next to a large bag of money with a sign saying "Take it")
Owner: Go ahead. Take it! (Whispers) Take it.
(The robber is creeped out)
Robber: You know, actually, I'm good. I'm just go...I'm just gonna... (Leaves the house)
Owner: (sing-song) Come back anytime.
Robber: (off-screen) Uh, I won't.
(Cut back to the movie. The action scene is still going on. Lara fights against the commandos while swinging on her bungee rope)
NC: Boy, John Woo's rebooted Babe: Pig in the City is a lot more intense that I thought it'd be. (The climax scene from Babe: Pig in the City is shown briefly)
(Bryce is shown having locked himself in a room from the danger, while several gunshots are shot around the door)
NC (vo): Nothing but the finest killers here. Shoot around the door rather than through it.
NC: Just in case he can fly!
NC (vo): This action is a lot of fun and it looks great, but I'm not exactly sure what is up with this shot.
(Lara has been sitting on one of the roof corners. She jumps down from it, shown through various lightning flashes)
NC: (confused) Was she turning into a werewolf?
NC (vo): Or maybe it's one of those comedic routines where the person changes when the lights go out.
(The scene is shown again, with Lara's head being briefly replaced by a Photoshopped head of Mr. Bean amid the lightning flashes. Lara continues fighting against the commandos)
NC: What was this guy's plan anyway?
NC (vo): Burst in, hoping she was in that room, and then just hang there awkwardly? How do these guys plan this out?
Commando #1 (Harry): (Laughs) Fire! Fire! Fire!
Commando #2 (Frank): Uh, dammit, Harry, stop shooting at us.
Harry: Sorry, Frank. I'm just hanging around there! I wanna fire! Fire! (Laughs)
Frank: Uh, hey, baby. (Lara punches Commando #2, causing him to swing towards the hanging Commando #1) Great, I'm hanging with you, bunghole.
Harry: You're the bunghole!
(The commandos collide with each other and knock themselves out, as Harry and Frank are heard screaming, then groaning)
Harry: She, like, totally kicked our asses.
Frank: Yeah. It was hot.
(Harry and Frank again groan and giggle like Beavis and Butt-Head)
NC (vo): And just when you think this scene couldn't get more hilariously badass...
(Lara jumps on a motorbike and performs a huge leap, while shooting her gun at the invading commandos)
NC (vo; as Lara): I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesome!
(Lara's motorbike leap causes a car behind her to explode and crush another car. Lara then uses the motorbike's back wheel to nail one commando in the face)
NC: (stunned beyond all belief) I love you.
(And we go to a commercial! When we come back, we see the bad guys take the clock during the aftermath of the attack and bring it to the Illuminati)
NC (vo): The bad guys steal the clock away from her and deliver it to Powell.
(Powell is shown in his room meditating)
NC (vo): And I'm immediately looking forward to this guy getting his ass kicked.
NC: Not that there's anything wrong with meditation, but when you see the bad guy doing it, admit it. You're more looking forward to him getting his ass kicked.
(Back at Lara's mansion, Bryce and Hillary clean up the mess. A package delivery man comes in)
Man: Lady Lara Croft?
(Lara approaches the man and signs for the package)
Lara: I woke up this morning and I just hated everything.
NC: You could've just said "Billy Bob Thornton came to visit".
NC (vo): Lara apparently gets a letter from her father when he was still alive.
(Lara reads her father's letter, as her father (Jon Voight, Jolie's real-life father) is heard and then shown reading it)
Lord Richard Croft: If you're reading this letter, I am no longer with you, and I miss you, and love you always and forever.
NC: (as Richard) I know you loved when I did my Anthony Hopkins voice, so I'm writing this...in my Anthony Hopkins voice.
(As Lara reads the letter, we are shown various images and scenes of the creation of the Triangle of Light)
Richard: The Triangle of Light was forged from metal, found in the crater of a meteor. The People of the Light built a great city in this crater, where they worshiped the triangle. It gave its possessor a power that could be used for good or great evil.
NC (vo): Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ancient, powerful, if evil gets it, we're screwed. (Images of the animated Zelda TV show are shown) Triforce of Wisdom, Triforce of Power, excuse me, princess.
NC: This really is the video game portion of the movie, isn't it?
NC (vo): So she has to go to Cambodia to get half of the triangle. She, of course, travels the best way she knows how: delightfully dumb.
(Lara is shown inside a jeep which is carried by a helicopter belonging to her military friends flying in the sky)
Soldier: (speaking through walkie-talkie) Lady Croft, are you on target? Over.
Lara: Right on target. Thank you, boys.
(In Cambodia, Lara is shown following the map while Powell and Alex, having already arrived, try to break the temple with the part of the triangle inside it open, with the assistance of a group of local people)
NC (vo): She finds Powell has teamed up with Alex to look for the same thing, as these incredibly rich millionaires use their expensive high-tech machinery of people pulling on ropes!
Alex: (walks past the people) Come on, guys!
NC: Couldn't one of those training robots be like... (imitates firing off a gun; an appropriate sound effect is heard) ...and it's done?
(Alex grabs one of the ropes and helps the people out)
NC (vo; sarcastically): Yeah, that'll make it go faster. Thanks, Craig.
(Finally, Powell and Alex get to go inside the temple)
Alex: Lara is overrated. She is good, don't get me wrong, but she's in it for the glory. Whereas I'm in it for the money.
NC: See, this is why Dr. Jones gets stuff done. He does it for both.
(A clip from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is shown)
Indiana Jones: (to Short Round) Fortune and glory, kid.
(Upon reaching the temple from the other side, Lara meets the little Cambodian girl)
NC (vo): Lara sneaks in ahead of them and comes across a mysterious child snooping around as well.
(The girl points to her eyes and then to something behind Lara's back. Lara sees a way inside and approaches it)
NC: Good talk, kid.
(Lara turns back to the girl, but there is no sight of her in the distance)
NC: ...She's Batman?
(Lara picks a flower from the liana. The ground then crumbles under her feet, and she falls down, landing with little to no injuries)
NC (vo): Of course. The old "flower pulling leading you to the smoothest fall you ever had in your life" trap!
NC: They do like their cliches.
(Lara secretly watches Powell, Alex and their group coming inside the temple. Alex tells Powell how to resolve the puzzle. Shortly after that, Lara reveals her presence and says that Alex is wrong)
NC (vo): Lara watches as the competition tries to get the triangle, but she puts together that (imitating Sallah from Raiders of the Lost Ark) they're digging in the wrong place.
Lara: That is not the true eye. We can do it my way, or we can all come back in time for the next alignment, and you're welcome to try and kill me then. In... (looks at her wrist) ooh, I'd say, another, 5,000 years.
NC: (as Lara) Only my lips will still be around by that point.
(Powell realizes Lara is right and throws her the clock. Lara catches it and inserts it into the wall)
NC (vo): They eventually believe her and throw her the key, leading to...
(The column breaks off the statue Lara is standing on and starts swinging back and forth. Lara tries to keep balance and to make the sharp end of the column hit the wall on the other side)
NC: You know, I have no idea what's going on, but it looks awesome!
(As NC speaks, the action sequence of Lara fighting the commandos is shown in the left corner)
NC (vo): For some reason, I'm really okay with their action scenes being very swing-based.
(The sharp end hits the wall, and the black liquid metal which came out starts rising up)
NC (vo): Oh, no, it's releasing a Mummy sequel!
NC: (waves off, smirking) Nah, nah! I'm just kidding. We all know those aren't coming.
(The half of the Triangle of Light is revealed in the liquid metal, and Lara catches it. Alex then pulls the clock out of the wall)
NC (vo): Lara grabs the triangle and Craig grabs the key, awaking...
(The giant stone statues in the temple come to life, and the group shoots at them)
NC: Um...okay, this is a little TailSpin-ish, but I'm still on board.
(As Lara fights the statues, Powell grabs a member of his group to shield himself, and the member is killed after getting hit by a spear)
NC (vo): Oh. He said he needed a bodyguard, and he used you as a literal bodyguard. Can't say it's false advertising.
(A huge six-armed guardian statue is the last to come to life)
NC (vo): They manage to fight off the guards, but their troubles aren't done yet.
(Everyone backs away as the statue slowly makes its steps)
NC: So it makes no sense why they would slowly walk away...
NC (vo): ...from something so gigantic and huge and going to kill them, but, at the same time, I can't argue: it is still kind of cool.
NC: In fact, I might as well do "I don't know why, that's just cool" count.
(The "I Don't Know Why, That's Just COOL" count pops up with a ding and number 1, with the old man shrugging in confusion and the sound clip of Otto Mann from The Simpsons saying "Cool!" being heard. Lara shoots the statue's face with guns in both hands)
NC (vo): After using all her ammo on one face, he easily switches to another.
(The face is destroyed, but then it's changed to another one. The "That's just COOL" count pops up again with a ding and number 2. In slow-motion, Lara kicks the swinging column to finish the statue off)
NC (vo): But she uses shitty early 2000s slow-mo to kill him, surprisingly keeping this fight kind of short.
(Lara decides to travel on her own again and goes to a waterfall, but Alex holds her on gunpoint)
NC (vo): But she's not done running yet, as Craig corners her at a waterfall.
Lara: Are you going to shoot me, Alex?
(She jumps off the waterfall. Alex sighs in resentment. Cut to a clip from The Fugitive, showing Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) speaking to Cosmo Renfro after Kimble has lept off the dam to escape)
Gerard: (overdubbed by NC) She did a Wendy Darling right here off of this dam, right here!
(Lara travels to a Buddhist town where she is welcomed by the monks)
NC (vo): She escapes to a nearby town where she gets healed up.
Aged Monk: Drink. (Lara drinks some tea) It tastes quite bad. (Lara chuckles) But it is good for you. See?
(Lara takes off the bandage off her hand to discover there is no wound on it)
NC: (shakes head) Why is magic healing tea harder for me to go along with them...
(A previous action scene is shown)
NC (vo): ...fighting ape statues?
NC: I guess some stupidity we just won't believe more than others.
(Lara then calls Powell, who is having a massage in his tent)
NC (vo): She calls Mr. Powell to figure out what the hell they're gonna do, seeing how he has the clock and she has the triangle.
Powell: Listen, my dear, without each other, we are quite useless at this point. We should have a business meeting.
Lara: You mean you'd love to have another opportunity to try and kill me.
Powell: Oh, that's harsh. (pause) But perhaps.
NC: I'm sorry! I know, technically, this is a dumb conversation, but...it's weirdly smooth, too.
NC (vo): I love that their connection is more than just villain vs. hero. They have a lot in common personality-wise, but they're still their own unique characters.
(Lara and Powell arrange to meet in Venice, since each of them has what the other needs to finish the Triangle, and they both go into the hall belonging to the Illuminati)
NC (vo): Even when they meet up to discuss terms, you know there's a bizarre trust and understanding of the other, even though they constantly try to kill one another. It just makes their connection much more interesting than your typical run-of-the-mill adventure flick.
Powell: We can be partners and go for the big prize.
Lara: (pointing at the large chair she's leaning back on) Yes, but who sits here?
Powell: It could set right so many wrongs.
Lara: I don't think you sit here, do you?
NC (vo): Things get interesting, though, when he reveals her father was part of the Illuminati and kept it from her for years.
Powell: He had a great many secrets.
Lara: Not from me.
Powell: Especially from you. The triangle gives its possessor...to move back and forth through time...
NC (vo; sighs): Time travel, huh? You're pushing your dumb a little, movie.
(The "Level of Dumb" line chart pops up below NC, with posters for Demolition Man and The Emoji Movie appearing on each end of it)
NC: This level of dumb is okay, this level of dumb is not, and you're somewhere at this level of dumb. (The poster for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is shaking between the other posters)
(Alex is shown having a shower. He notices Lara appear in the bathroom and comes out naked)
Lara: Hello, Alex.
Alex: You think I'm a greedy, unscrupulous...
NC: (slams the table) Okay, I protest. There is way more naked Daniel Craig stepping out of the shower than naked Angelina Jolie!
NC (vo): Hopefully, his awful American accent can distract me.
Alex: Well, the money bit's true, I guess. Now for a cold shower.
NC: (smiling) It does.
(Powell and Alex get ready to take off to Siberia and see Lara (in a different outfit and wearing sunglasses) already come, along with Bryce. Before that, Powell puts a metal piece inside the chest to make Lara believe this is another part of the Triangle of Light. The "That's Just COOL" count is now 4)
NC (vo): Add to the count not one, but two alliances of convenience in this movie, as Lara teams up with Powell to find the ancient time power thingy.
Bryce: Now, time to save the universe again, then, is it?
NC: (shifts eyes in confusion) I guess that's...something we did. I...thought we just found it, but apparently, saving the universe multiple times we can put down on our resume.
NC (vo): Oh, what do I care when this shot is up next?
(Everybody walk away from the helicopters in slow-motion to techno music. And, if you'll look closely, you'll see Lara's breasts shaking slightly. The "That's Just COOL" count is upped to 5)
NC: That's so cool, Arnold Schwarzenegger almost made an ice pun about it.
(Lara encounters a Siberian girl, who's speaking Russian. Editor's note: it's really bad Russian)
Syberian Girl: (speaking Russian) Don't go. You're risking everything. To see him again. Your father.
NC (vo): And, once again, the kid disappears.
NC: She's...also Keyser Söze.
(Lara rings the bell, and the ice wall is blown up to reveal the tomb. There is a giant model of the solar system inside, which activates as the alignment nears completion)
NC (vo): Croft literally rings the bell to be led into...whatever the hell this is supposed to be.
(The Siberian Husky jumps into one of the lit spheres appearing around the model. Her flesh is shown inside the sphere)
Lara: It's a time storm. Time is broken here.
(NC hesitates as the "Level of Dumb" chart pops up again, but this time with the poster for Fantastic Four (2005) in the middle. Lara retrieves the last half of the Triangle of Light, and Powell kills the Illuminati leader, but when he tries to complete the Triangle, the halves do not fuse)
NC (vo): Truth be told, this is where the movie starts to flounder a little bit. It's already a little tough to follow what this thing does or how it works, so when Powell kills the leader of the Illuminati to take its power, we don't really know what that power is. Is it just time travel? If so, how is it harnessed and what was Powell or the Illuminati's plan for it? It sounds like they already control everything, and the soldiers are clearly okay with Powell ruling them, so what's really gonna change? Well, it looks like even Powell is confused about how it works, so he forces Lara to figure it out, using some double-o leverage.
(In order to persuade Lara to complete the Triangle, he twirls a knife and throws it into Alex's chest. Alex slowly falls into the water)
NC: Wow, he seemed so bored and disinterested in being stabbed. That's the Daniel Craig I remember!
NC (vo): And apparently, it's spreading, because even Lara seems pretty mad about him getting axed.
(Lara breathes heavily for some seconds)
Lara: (to Powell) You'd better be ready for this.
NC: (as Lara) Because I clearly wasn't. Can we do a take two? I clearly had no emotion when he died.
(The clock is disassembled, and its parts are floating in the air. Lara takes the one she needs. After a flash of light, Lara and Powell race from both sides of a giant pyramid to take the Triangle of Light)
NC (vo): She finds the missing piece in the clock which zaps them both to (gets confused) a giant pyramid they have to race up to get the ultimate power. (After a beat, the last clip from the intro for 1987's DuckTales pops up, with Scrooge and Glomgold climbing up the column to get the golden lamp) Because if it's good enough for the opening of DuckTales, it's gotta be good enough here.
(Lara takes the Triangle first, and finds herself in a strange alternate existence facing her father in a tent)
NC (vo): She grabs it, and it teleports her to her father...
NC: For reasons...
NC (vo): And he explains why he never told her about being in the Illuminati.
Richard: You were only a child.
Lara: You never mentioned it. Not once.
Richard: In the fierceness of my own battles, I stroved to tell you only that which would inspire you and keep you safe.
NC: And you've clearly tried to keep yourself safe ever since. (Several of the movie's action sequences involving Lara are shown below)
NC (vo): She's told, though, she should destroy the triangle as she should not manipulate time for herself. She completely agrees right after she manipulates time for herself.
(Lara leaves her father and returns to the tomb, where time is slowly running backwards from the point where Powell killed West. Croft takes the knife he threw into West's chest and reverses it, holding the handle with her right hand and the blade with her left hand, injuring it)
NC: Um, I feel like you could place both hands...
NC (vo): ...on that handle to turn it, but...
NC: ...Screw it.
(The "That's Just COOL" count is now 6. Lara then destroys the Triangle, which returns time to its normal flow and directs the knife into Powell's shoulder. The soldiers lower their guns)
NC: (chuckles) Wow! Those guards must be so confused!
NC (vo; as one of the soldiers): Did you throw the knife away from him, and it landed in his chest? Oh, well. (as all of the soldiers) Hey-o, Lara, the Wicked Witch is dead!
(Everyone turns to leave, but...)
(As shown in a flashback, Powell was the one who murdered Richard Croft and stole his pocket watch with a picture of Lara's mother inside as a trophy)
NC (vo): But Powell reveals that, of course, he killed her father and stole the watch with her mother's picture in it.
(Lara gets really furious and goes closer to Powell)
Alex: Lara, no! The place is coming down! This is insane!
NC (vo): Agreed. Whoever said yes to that accent is insane!
(Lara tells everyone to go and faces Powell alone. The latter instantly gets up, pointing a gun in her face as Lara does the same to him)
NC: Um, you were stabbed, weren't you?
Powell: No guns.
NC (vo): Yeah, just one man bleeding to death against a woman who's basically already defeated him!
(Lara and Powell put their guns on the ground and engage in a hand-to-hand fight. Powell ambushes Lara)
NC (vo; as Powell): You know, I think that stab actually made me feel better.
(He twirls his knife, satisfied, and prepares to hit Lara, but is blocked by her)
NC (vo; as Powell): Oh! Foiled by my need to flip things! I feel like that's kind of both our weaknesses.
(Finally, Lara kills Powell and escapes from the crumbling chamber)
NC (vo): She, of course, defeats him, but she still has to find a way to get out of there fast.
(Lara finds a pack of Huskies)
(The next shot is her controlling the Huskies to the exit as the cave collapses)
NC: Mmmmmm... Yeah, okay.
("That's just COOL" count appears once more with the number 7 and a ding)
NC (vo): I'm not even kidding, though: this is the next edit.
(We cut to...Lara's mansion and Hillary bringing the tray with tea. NC is confused)
NC: That was a bit of a jump!
(Hillary is shocked to see Lara, who is wearing a white dress. She goes into the garden to her father's memorial, then returns inside, where Bryce has a reprogrammed training robot, ready to challenge Lara once again. Hillary reveals a silver tray holding Lara's guns)
NC (vo): In fact, the whole film is suddenly on marathon time! She's in a fancy dress, shocking the butler; she goes to visit her father's grave one more time, and she comes back in to see they have guns ready for her to fight the robot again. All in a matter of 40 seconds.
(Lara takes the guns with a smile and points them at the robot. The shot freezes, and the movie ends)
NC (vo): And they just freeze on this image like, "Yep. That's what Tomb Raider is all about: pointing guns at a training robot."
NC: Um... Neat. I guess I can't think of any other way I would end this movie. (pauses) Apart from answering...
(The various clips of the movie are shown, showing what NC is describing)
NC (vo): ...who that kid was from earlier, how did Lara dream where the clock was, why did the triangle take her to her father, why didn't she use it to save his life as well as avoid all this shit from happening, what the hell was that damn machine supposed to do, did it even do it, what exactly was the Illuminati's plan, why did they need to run up this giant pyramid...
NC: Why any of it? Why anything that happened in this movie?! (Beat) Because...
(The footage of the 1996 Tomb Raider video game is shown)
NC (vo): ...this is the source material they had to work off of.
NC: And based on that, I'm satisfied.
(The clips from the movie are shown for the last time as NC goes to his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): Don't get me wrong. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense and it could have used a little more depth, but what I got I found perfectly serviceable and entertaining. Lara is a fun character, the action scenes are cool, the actors are charismatic and work well off each other. I surprisingly enjoy this for exactly what it is: a video game movie. It takes it so seriously, but not too seriously. (The poster for the upcoming 2018 movie Tomb Raider starring Alicia Vikander as Lara Croft is briefly shown) And while Tomb Raider will evolve and change over the years, this is a perfect cinematic representation of what Tomb Raider was in the early 2000s. In my opinion, I think this is a good video game flick, and I'm shocked more people don't talk about how much fun it is. It's not anything fantastic, but as video game movies go, good is fantastic. So go check out what I consider a damn cool flick.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme-
(Lara Croft from NC's boyhood is suddenly shown standing next to him)
Lara: Oh, Critic. Are you sure you're not attracted to me anymore?
NC: Sorry, Lara. I have passed your perky pixelation and had elevated to a higher form of love. (turns to his left) Isn't that right, Minecraft woman?
(Cut to a woman model from the Minecraft game, which is VERY blocky-looking, close to Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa's designs. As the sensual music plays, NC gets excited)
NC: Oh-ho, Minecraft woman! You understand my needs!
(He gets up and runs off. Cut to Malcolm and Tamara on the couch, swiping on their phones' screens simultaneously. They hear a bumping sound and turn their heads to it)
NC: (offscreen) OW! WALL!
Malcolm: (gives a low sigh) Minecraft hallucination again.
Tamara: When will people wake up?
(They go back to swiping as NC bumps into the wall once again)
NC: (offscreen) OW! WALL!
(And we go to the credits)
Channel Awesome tagline - Alex: Lara, no! The place is coming down!