Last Action Hero
July 28, 2009
Note: The italic text has either been cut or redubbed, since in the original version, NC calls the theatre projectionist Art Carney instead of Robert Prosky.
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
(Various photos of nostalgic celebrities are shown as NC speaks the following)
NC (voiceover): There’s some people that just keep making appearances here at Nostalgia Central, people like Shaquille O’Neal, Pee Wee Herman, Abe Vigoda, and, of course, the Austrian beef sandwich himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
NC: What is it about him, anyway? He’s so goofy, and yet so likable. Such a bad actor, and yet so entertaining. You can’t stop watching him no matter how hard you try. Well, if there’s any movie that can make the Arnold formula seem old and stale…apart from all his other ones, it’s “Last Action Hero.”
(The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): You’d think the director of “Die Hard” and “Predator” would know something about keeping audiences entertained, but in John McTiernan’s big budget bore-fest, we find that even the most action-packed director can make the most dull, unfunny and creatively misled of pictures.
NC: Now I know what you’re thinking. “Arnold Schwarzenegger make a bad movie? Surely you jest!” Well, let’s take a look at why “Last Action Hero” is a last action zero. (Beat) Trust me, it’s a lot funnier than most of the jokes in this movie.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So we open up with the movie slamming us in the face. Literally. (The movie screen literally swings from camera right to land smack at the audience)
NC: (reacts as though being hit in the face) Ow! Violent cinema.
NC (voiceover): We see a bunch of cops lined up around a building where some psycho is holding a bunch of children hostage. Who can possibly save the day?
(Jack Slater makes his appearance at the scene)
Howard Langston: (audio from Jingle All the Way) Put that cookie down!
NC (voiceover): It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger playing cop Jack Slater, who has to deal with what most movie cops have to deal with: the typical shouting boss.
Lieutenant Dekker: (babbles a bit as he speaks) You gotta sit and wait for the real hostage negotiator! For the last time, you call this jive jitterbug pump gonad decaf shit!
NC: (mocks Dekker) Abadabadabadabadabdadabadabada Harlem Globetrotters!
NC (voiceover): He (Jack) then walks across a pointless Tina Turner cameo—thanks, Tina, your check’s in the mail—as he faces one cop who doesn’t want to let him pass.
Jack Slater: Hey, you want to be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres. (He kicks the cop in the crotch, sending him flying offscreen)
NC: YEAH! (Thinks for a second) I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
Slater: You want to be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres.
NC: What…does that…mean? I mean, Arnold’s lines are corny, but they usually make sense!
NC (voiceover): Is it because “acres” sounds like “aches”? Is it because he kicked him so far it’s like the distance of an acre?
NC: Are his balls the acres? I mean, WHAT’S THE JOKE?!
NC (voiceover): Arnold, you can’t just say random phrases and expect them to magically be funny. You gotta think about them first.
NC: It’s like saying, (speaks as Slater) “You want to be an astronaut? (Beat) Trix are for kids!” (Punches the screen)
NC (voiceover): So he gets to the rooftop where we see the psycho holding the kid hostage.
The Ripper: I gave him my word of honor he could watch you die.
NC: Oh, Steven Wright, what did you do to yourself?
Steven Wright: (audio, dubbed over The Ripper) I’m living on a one-way dead end street.
NC (voiceover): And, of course, it just so happens that one of the boys being held hostage is Slater’s son.
The Ripper: (to Slater) Now lose the gun.
(Slater puts his gun down on the ground slowly)
Slater: Alright, I’m unarmed. Let the boy go.
NC: “Let the boy go.” You know, he has a name. Being his father, I thought you might be privy to that information.
NC (voiceover): But it turns out the movie is…well, just that. A movie.
Danny: (calls out while sitting in the movie theatre) Focus! (Cut to him walking through the refreshment lobby to head upstairs) Nick!
NC (voiceover): Being watched by a whiny little protagonist named Danny. Danny is friends with the projectionist at a movie theatre, played sadly enough by Art Carney from “The Honeymooners.”/played by Robert Prosky.
Nick (Prosky): The new Jack Slater opens this weekend at the Arcs.
Danny: He (Slater) killed his second cousin. Big mistake! (makes a big explosion sound, and Nick laughs)
NC: (as Nick, laughing) I can’t believe this is my last performance.
NC (voiceover): So being such a good friend, Carney/Prosky offers him an advance screening of the next Jack Slater movie, as long as he finally starts going back to school, which he’s been skipping out on quite often. There, they show films of a lesser caliber like “Hamlet” with Laurence Oliver, the hack!
(Danny watches the “Hamlet” movie in the classroom at the part with Hamlet ready to use a dagger, but stops himself to give a monologue)
Hamlet (in the movie): And so he goes to heaven.
Danny: (to himself) Don’t talk, just do it!
NC: (as Danny) God! Shakespeare is, like, the worst writer ever!
NC (voiceover): So Danny starts daydreaming about what the film would be like if Arnold was in it.
Old Man: Stay thy hand, fair prince.
Hamlet (Slater): Who said I’m fair? (He brings out his gun and start firing at the old man and other knights who get in his way)
NC (voiceover): Enjoy it while you can, Arnold. That’s as close to Hamlet as you’re ever gonna get.
Hamlet (Slater): To be, or not to be. Not to be. (He lights a cigarette as an explosion occurs behind him)
NC: (as Slater) Vanity, thy name is…insert clever pun here.
NC (voiceover): So he (Danny) goes home and gets yelled at by his mom right before she has to head out to work. He sits around, watches some TV, does some boring stuff and then finally gets ready to go see the movie. So he gets ready to head out the door when—
(A burglar goes through the doorway and pushes Danny against the wall face first, holding him there while pulling out a switchblade; NC reacts in surprise to this)
Burglar: You alone?
NC: Hello, sudden dark turn.
Burglar: Move it! (He shoves Danny to the bathroom and holds out his switchblade again) Whoa-ho, tough guy. (NC becomes scared; the burglar places the switchblade on the sink and turns around) Do it. Go ahead, do it.
NC: OK, movie, this is pretty fucked up right here.
NC (voiceover): So he (the burglar) handcuffs him in the bathroom and continues to roam the place.
Burglar: You got junk! No jewelry, no VCR.
NC: (as the burglar) Maybe I should try robbing rich people! Pfft!
Burglar: (tosses the key for the handcuffs into the toilet) Go fish, amigo.
NC (voiceover): So…after that pointlessly disturbing detour, Danny heads to the movie theatre where Carney/Prosky is waiting.
Danny: Is the print ready to roll?
Nick: Oh, just a minute, young man! Aren’t we forgetting something? (He appears dressed as an usher and slams a door; NC becomes surprised again and grows more uncomfortable as the scene progresses) [You have to have] a ticket to see a movie. And I have just the one. When I was about your age, Harry Houdini played [in] this theatre. He made a gesture, Houdini did, like this. (He makes a gesture with his right hand) And all of a sudden, this was in his hand. (A golden movie ticket appears from out of his left sleeve)
NC: (as Danny) Uh, you’re starting to scare me.
Nick: This is a magic ticket. It was given to me by the best magician in India, and it was given to him by the best magician in Tibet.
NC: OK, film, we already have one strange dark turn. We don’t need another.
Nick: A passport to another world. It was mine, and now it’s yours. (He smiles)
NC: Right! Time for another “Sonic Says”!
(The intro for the Sonic Says segment of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog plays out; as Sonic (dubbed by NC) speaks the following, we intercut with footage of Nick)
Sonic (dubbed by NC): Hey, kids. Strangers may offer you all sorts of things to get you to come with them, like movies, magical tickets and a lot of other horseshit. But chances are, they’re trying to touch your bathing suit area, and that’s no good! So if a stranger, especially Art Carney/Robert Prosky, tries to touch your chili dog, just get outta there!
Nick: This ticket has a mind of its own. It does what it wants to do.
NC: (speaking as Nick) Just like my penis. (speaks normally) Art Carney, I’m sorry! You’re a TV inspiration, and clearly, I got some growing up to do! (sobs a bit)
NC (voiceover): So he (Nick) rips the ticket—which I guess was made out of Tinker Bell blood—as he starts showing the movie for Danny to watch. We see a guy being interrogated by a mob boss played oddly enough by Anthony Quinn.
Tony Vivaldi (Quinn): (to Frank (Art Carney)) Do you want me to make him operate on you?
NC: I would make an Anthony Quinn joke, but…none of you would get it.
NC (voiceover): We then cut to Jack Slater entering his home as he sees his old friend conveniently right before he dies.
Frank: Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob are joining forces. (He croaks and then dies)
Slater: Frank. Frank!
NC (voiceover): What the hell even killed him? Is watching Arnold do drama really that bad?
(Slater pulls out a note marked “Slater” and flips through numbered cards that do a countdown, starting with “5,” then “4”, then “3”; Slater realizes what this means and bolts out of the house)
Slater: It’s a bomb! (The bomb inside the house explodes, sending Slater and a couple cops flying)
NC: Of course! The bomb was wired to the…cards somehow!
Black Cop: Two days ‘til retirement. (A saxophone in the background plays “Wah-wah-wah-wah”)
NC: Did the saxophone just laugh at him? (The sound of the saxophone “laughing” is played again)
NC (voiceover): So the chase begins. Hired goons are sent to shoot up Slater when suddenly the magic ticket actually transports Danny into the movie.
(Danny ends up in the backseat of Slater’s car and ducks when Slater shoots behind his head)
Slater: Who the hell are you?
Danny: I’m Danny Madigan. I’m a kid.
Slater: Then close your eyes, stay flat and don’t move.
NC: (quivers his lips before giving in shout) That’s just what Art Carney says! OK, I’m done! I’m done! No more Art Carney jokes, I’m done!
(Cut to Slater positioning himself so that his upper body faces backwards and shoots at the hired goons while the car is still driving)
Danny: You’re driving with no hands!
Slater: You think it’s easy? You have to practice a lot.
NC: (as Slater, pretending to hold a gun in his hands) I bet you didn’t know that my butt cheeks had their own license.
(Cut to a hired goon getting shot and falling face forward with an ice cream cone sticking out the back of its head)
Slater: I iced that guy, to cone a phrase.
Danny: Wait a minute. The bad puns, the voice, the hard rock.
NC: (as Danny) I’m in a horrible Schwarzenegger movie! AHHHHHHHHH!
NC (voiceover): So he (Slater) plays chicken with this truck, which somehow explodes before hitting the building, and he crashes into… (The pickup truck crashes into a room filled with attractive young women wearing extravagant dresses and costumes) “The Benny Hill Show”?
(The Benny Hill Show theme music plays out as the attractive women escape the room)
NC (voiceover): So the kid is taken back to the police station where he comes across Sharon Stone from “Basic Instinct” and Robert Patrick from “Terminator 2.”
Danny: Jack! Did you see that?
(NC freezes the footage and inserts the caption “WTF?” along with a “Boing!” sound effect)
NC: You know, movie, I’m not sure if you know this, but, um… cameos have to make sense. Just because those two people were in movies doesn’t mean it necessarily makes sense to have them in your movie. I mean, it’s like having a cartoon cat running around all over the place—
(Cut to Whiskers (a cartoon cat, in fact) making his first appearance)
NC (voiceover): WHAAAAA?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHY IS THERE A CARTOON CAT THERE?! THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!
Slater: He’s supposed to be back on duty. He was only suspended for a month.
NC: No, movie! No! There’s no reason a cartoon cat should be there! It’s like saying…Little Richard’s in the movie!
(Cut to a movie premiere that occurs later in the film)
Female Reporter: You’re a big time fan of Jack Slater?
Little Richard: Oh, I’ve enjoyed it!
NC: (looks surprised and thinks for a moment) Jean Claude Van Damme.
Jean Claude Van Damme: I would never miss a premiere for a second.
NC: Jim Belushi.
Jim Belushi: I just wanna be there when it happens.
NC: M.C. Hammer.
M.C. Hammer: Look, the deal’s done, alright?
NC: Humphrey Bogart!
(Cut to the police station with Humphrey Bogart (appearing in black and white footage) walking around)
Humphrey Bogart: Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.
NC: Chevy Chase and Damon Wayans walking side by side—
(Such a scene is shown)
NC (voiceover): WHAT IS GOING ON?!! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY POINTLESS RANDOM CAMEOS?!
NC: AM I IN “THE TWILIGHT ZONE”? I mean, movie, just because you can have someone in your film doesn’t mean you should! It’s like having—(stops himself from making any more comparisons) Nope! No! If I mention that person’s name, they might spontaneously jump out of somebody’s anus! Let’s just keep watching the movie and be done with it.
NC (voiceover): So…I guess the joke behind some of these strange cameos is that every cop at the station is supposed to be delightfully mismatched. You know, like those buddy cop movies you see all the time. So one cop might be teamed up with a rabbi, a chubby slob would be teamed up with a neat freak, and yes, one cop gets hooked up with a cartoon cat.
Whiskers: (to his partner, a female cop) I’m getting a flea bath later. Join me?
NC (voiceover): While the idea could be kind of clever, it still makes no sense. Why are all these mismatched cops in this buddy movie? I mean, you don’t see Mel Gibson and Danny Glover teaming up with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan! (Such a Photoshopped image is shown)
NC: …Yet, but the point still remains!
NC (voiceover): Buddy movies deal with just one pair of buddies, not five or six! No other movies work that way!
Slater: (to Danny) No one likes a smartass.
NC (voiceover): So Slater gets called in to be yelled at by the chief as the kid keeps pointing out all the clichés pretty much before the audience can.
Danny: (to Slater in a video store) I’m willing to bet that everyone has a “5-5-5” number. There are no unattractive women here.
Danny: (at the police station) I was just in a real police station. And this is much nicer.
NC: Kid, leave the plot holes to me, OK? It’s my job.
NC (voiceover): So he (Danny) goes into a Blockbuster video store trying to prove that there’s an actor called Arnold Schwarzenegger and that he’s made dozens of hit films, but he finds [what] I have to admit is kinda funny.
(Danny comes across a cardboard display of the “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” movie with the Terminator character on a motorcycle and holding a shotgun, but with Sylvester Stallone in place of Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Danny: No! It isn't possible!
NC: (speaking as Sylvester Stallone) Yeah, you know, “I’ll be back,” uh, “Hasta la vista, baby,” for ya, you know, uh, I just wanna go the distance. (Beat) Yeahhhhh.
(Cut to Danny and Slater heading outside and seeing a hot woman walk past them)
Danny: I mean, where are the ordinary everyday women? They don’t exist because this is a movie!
Slater: No, this is California.
NC: (as Slater) And one day, I will govern it! (Babbles with his tongue sticking out)
NC (voiceover): So we get some scenes of them talking, then some more scenes of them talking, and then some more scenes of them talking. (Pauses, then sighs) You know, guys, speaking isn’t exactly Schwarzenegger’s strong point. Can’t you give him a gun or a bomb…or even a freeze suit?
NC: I DON’T CARE! JUST GIVE HIM SOMETHING!
NC (voiceover): Finally, they’re going to visit the bad guy and his deadly assassin.
(Slater notices three Doberman dogs standing nearby)
Benedict (the assassin): Make no mistake. They are an exception. They’re well-trained. (He snaps his fingers, and now six Dobermans stand on each other to form a pyramid)
NC: (is confused) Movie, are you on drugs?
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, they don’t really get any answers, and they just decide to leave. Oh, good. How wonderful! Thank you for that, movie! I really thought you were gonna fuck up there and do something exciting for a minute. Please, tell me there’s a long drawn-out scene of just two people talking—(Tony Vivaldi and Benedict start talking) YES! YES! I AM SO HAPPY! TO THINK WE COULD BE WASTING OUR TIME WITH GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS AND EXCITING CHASE SCENES! BUT NO! An uninteresting crime plot and a whiny little brat with girly hair is FAR MORE INTERESTING! HURRAH! HUR-FUCKITY-RAH!
NC: BLOW SOMETHING UP!!!
(Cut to Slater’s daughter Whitney kissing Danny on the lips)
NC: Or a hot chick, if that helps, too.
Whitney: Daddy! Oh, my God! (She squeals with joy as Slater carries her inside on his shoulder)
NC (voiceover): So Slater drops off the kid with his incredibly attractive daughter as he drives off to have a flashback. He remembers back to his son, who it turns out was murdered…twice, for some reason—as the movie’s editor decided—as they’re suddenly approached by the assassin.
Whitney: (screams while being pursued by one of Benedict’s goons) Go away! Go away, please!
Danny: (warns Benedict) If you harm a hair on her head…
Benedict: Stop! (The goon stops struggling to hold Whitney as Benedict goes over to pluck a head hair off of her)
NC: Wow. That’d be really threatening in…fifth grade.
(Whitney continues to scream as she tries to escape the clutches of the goon)
NC: Oh, God, stop screaming and do something!
(Whitney kicks the goon in the crotch, sending him flying to a bookcase and crashing into it)
NC: (is surprised to see this and gladly accepts it) OK.
(Whitney continues screaming while fighting off the bad goons)
NC (voiceover): OK, lady, I don’t think you understand the purpose of screaming. You scream when you’re in trouble. You’re not the damsel from the “Dover Boys” cartoon. (A clip from that cartoon is shown briefly) But Slater arrives to help.
Slater: (speaks to two goons) Hi. (He grabs the guns the goons are holding and has them shoot each other with the guns)
NC: Alright, there’s one cool scene.
NC (voiceover): So they have a little fight as the bad guys ride off in their car, but Danny grabs a girl’s bike—which belongs to…the grownup daughter?—as he heads them off at the pass.
(Cut to the bad guys’ car at the bottom of the hill with its headlights on; Danny turns on the bike’s reflector light)
Danny: Chicken, it is. (He starts biking downhill to the car)
NC (voiceover): Kid, what the hell’s wrong with you? You’re on a girl’s bike, THEY’RE IN A FUCKING CAR! DO THE MATH!
Danny: This is gonna work. It’s a movie. I’m a good guy. This has got to work! (the car gets closer) Oh, shit! I’m a comedy sidekick.
NC: And a rather unfunny one that we’d like to see get pulverized.
(Danny steers the bike to the left as soon as the car approaches and goes flying, landing on a roof in front of a giant moon in the sky; The “E.T. the Extra Terrestrial” theme music is heard here briefly)
NC: (speaks like E.T.) E.T., phone lawyers! (shakes his fist angrily)
(Danny falls and lands on the ground unharmed)
NC (voiceover): So the kid—still thinking the whole movie bit is funny—tries to prove to Slater again that this is all a film.
Danny: (holds out a notepad with an unseen swear word written on it) Say this.
Slater: Grow up.
Danny: Just say this one word. You can’t. You can’t possibly say it, because this movie is PG-13.
NC: Too bad they’re not online, fuck-shit-titty-cock.
NC (voiceover): So we go back to the police station where once again, we get a screaming fest from the angry chief.
(Lieutenant Dekker babbles something incoherent in anger while steam comes out of his ears)
NC: Jesus Christ, he’s turning into the Micro-Machines Guy.
(Clips from an old Micro-Machines commercial featuring the fast-talking Micro-Machines Man intercuts with Dekker yelling incoherently)
NC (voiceover): And by the way, yes, that is steam coming out of his ears. Did I mention that this movie was PG-13, as in, no one above the age of 13 would find this funny?
Lieutenant Dekker: (to Slater) Give me your badge!
NC (voiceover): So Slater is laid off, which, of course, means they’re gonna stop the crime boss on their own. Somehow, they find out that this body at a funeral is going to explode with some sort of nerve gas—I don’t know, just play along—as Danny and Slater are confronted by his old partner, played by F. Murray Abraham.
(Cut to John Practice (Abraham) whipping out his gun to aim at Slater in betrayal)
Practice: Sorry, Jack. I didn’t want it to go down this way.
NC: (as John Practice, posing his right hand as a gun) But I haven’t played the good guy in the movie yet, so…here we are.
Danny: Freeze! (He holds out a gun to Practice) Man, you are an idiot. You made the classic movie mistake. Don’t explain so much.
NC: (whines) Kid, shut up!
NC (voiceover): But Quinn gets the drop on the kid as they chain our two heroes together.
Tony Vivaldi: I have to go and establish my alibi. (bows forward with his hat lifted in a salute) Arrivederci. (puts the hat on and walks off)
NC (voiceover): (as Tony) I look forward to you totally forgetting this performance.
NC (voiceover): (Normal) But they’re saved by the cartoon cat—yep, a Schwarzenegger movie where he’s saved by a FUCKING CAT—as he goes up to the funeral and tries to get the body away from the people.
Slater: (yells while carrying the body on his shoulders) This man’s not dead! Can somebody help this man here? (points off-screen) Look! Elephant!
(The Burger King mascot appears in front of NC briefly)
NC: NOW CUT THAT OUT!
NC (voiceover): So while Danny is probably wondering why he couldn’t have gotten transported into “Debbie Does Dallas,” he manages to operate a crane that helps Slater get off the roof in one of the strangest slow-mo shots ever.
(Cut to Slater holding onto a piece of the damaged building, but the piece breaks off and Slater slowly falls to the ground)
NC (voiceover): (as Slater) This is what I like to call the Wile E. Coyote. I do not actually fall until I realize there is nothing supporting me. This style of slapstick comedy was originated in the 1940s. Warner Brothers was beginning to make its mark in—(The crane swings to catch Slater and the dead body) AWW! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO TELL THEM ABOUT THE GOLDEN AGE OF CINEMA ANIMATION! I EAT YOU! I EAT YOU ALL!!
NC (voiceover): So they save the day while the assassin guy gets the magic ticket and starts to discover exactly what he can do with it.
Benedict: I can move through parallel worlds, in and out, and steal whatever I want.
NC (voiceover): But not before Slater politely knocks at the door.
(Cut to Slater driving his car through Benedict’s mansion)
NC: (as Slater) Avon calling.
Slater: (whips out his gun to aim at Benedict) Don’t move.
Benedict: Alright, Slater. I’ll go quietly.
Slater: The hell you will.
NC (voiceover): (as Slater) We’re going to have an exciting climax with a thrilling conclusion.
Slater: (picks up Benedict and throws him at a wall) This is for my daughter’s black eye!
(Benedict ends up magically going through the wall, leaving no damage)
Slater: (to Danny) Usually when they do that, it leaves a hole.
Marvin the Martian: There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!
NC (voiceover): So Slater and Danny travel into the real world where Slater discovers things don’t work quite like he thought they would.
Slater: (aims his gun) Here’s another explosion for your movie, kid. (He fires at the taxi Benedict stole earlier, but the bullets just go through the taxi’s trunk with no exploding)
Slater: (stops firing) Not one word. Not one word.
NC: (as Slater) My acting. It doesn’t seem to fly here. Nobody finds it incredible! They just laugh at my accent!
NC (voiceover): So just as you’re saying to yourself, “Shouldn’t this movie be over by now?”, the film prattles on mostly as Slater just mopes around and faces the reality that he’s a fictional character.
Slater: Give you nightmares the rest of your life, but you’re fictional, so who cares? I’m sorry, but I don’t find it so new and exciting to discover that my whole life has been a damn movie.
NC: Yeah, this is the real world. With magic tickets that suck you into realms of fantasy. It’s an everyday occurrence.
NC (voiceover): So through a long, long, LONG, long series of boring events, they finally realize that the assassin is going to attack at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s premiere of the new Jack Slater movie.
Slater: (to Danny while driving a car to the premiere) Benedict is gonna kill Schwarzenegger.
Danny: Schwarzenegger, who is Slater.
NC: Bingo! Except…no! That makes no sense!
NC (voiceover): But screw it. Let’s just get to the climax of this sucker. So the assassin goes to bring back that Steven Wright guy as he plans to use him to kill Schwarzenegger the actor.
Male Reporter: Rip, Rip, come here. What brings you here tonight?
NC (voiceover): (as The Ripper) Uh, I just want to tell people that they can save a lot of money by switching to Geico. Even a caveman can do it. Ha-ha-ha.
NC (voiceover): (normal) By the way, this is where we get a lot of those weak cameos I mentioned before. They walk in front of the camera and then wonder what they did to deserve such piss-poor treatment.
NC: Well, we all know what Van Damme did, but I digress.
NC (voiceover): So he (The Ripper) tries to kill Arnold and fails. But he kidnaps the kid and takes him to the rooftop. Gee, for the real world being nothing like a movie we’ve just seen, this is in fact looking like a movie we’ve just seen.
Slater: (to The Ripper) It’s now between you and me, so let the boy go.
The Ripper: Now, we’ve played this number before, haven’t we, Jack?
NC (voiceover): (as The Ripper) You’re just angry ‘cause I have 12 more teeth than the average human being.
(The Ripper throws his axe at Slater, but Slater dodges it as it flies past him and hits something)
NC (voiceover): But Slater defeats the psycho, but then gets hunted down by the assassin, who, of course, reveals his evil plan.
Benedict: You want Dracula? (whips out the magic ticket) I’ll fetch him. Dracula? Heh. I can get King Kong. A surprise party for that old Hitler. Hannibal Lecter can do the catering. All I have to do is snap my fingers and they’ll be here.
NC: That’s actually a pretty cool plan! Holy smokes! I can’t wait to see the possibilities that come out of this—!
(Slater shoots at Benedict, making him explode)
NC (voiceover): Of course, just ruin the only cool premise in the entire film. Fucking cock-blocker!
Danny: (to Slater) You think you’re funny, don’t you?
NC (voiceover): So Arnold gets the gun and shoots the bad guy who somehow explodes. (Beat) Again, real world; isn’t it fascinating? As the ticket falls and actually releases the Grim Reaper from “The Seventh Seal,” because…yeah! Everyone who sees “Last Action Hero” is gonna know what the hell “The Seventh Seal” is. As Danny tries to take an injured Slater and get him back into the movie. Why? Because in the film world, his injury would only be considered a flesh wound and apparently not kill him. So Death, played oddly enough by Ian McKellen, gives Danny some helpful advice.
Death: If I’m you, I might be looking for the other half of the ticket.
NC: (as Death) One ticket to rule them all, one ticket to fi—Oh, forget it.
NC (voiceover): So he finds the ticket and gets him back into the movie, where the doctors fix him up so he can get back to duty. The kid has had an amazing adventure, he reunites with the Art Carney character,/he reunites with the Prosky character. and they all live happily ever after.
NC: There is just ONE tiny detail that they overlooked: The fucking Grim Reaper’s on the loose!
NC (voiceover): I mean, we never saw him go back into the movie, and we even saw him kill a few people in the real world! Isn’t this, I don’t know, a big fucking deal? Maybe it was meant to be saved for the sequel “Last Action Hero 2: Death Takes a Holiday.” (A Photoshopped of John Slater and Death (from “The Seventh Seal”) together is shown briefly)
NC: But luckily, we never saw it, ‘cause this film tanked at the box office.
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): And why should it? It’s dull! I mean, it is so boring! Granted, some of the ideas have promise, and there are one or two jokes that work, but mostly, it’s a very clumsy boring action film.
NC: My advice? I’d rather listen to that “Put that cookie down” remix a million times before ever watching this movie again!
(The “Put that cookie down” remix plays out, and NC dances in his seat)
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave and continues dancing)