Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. You know, believe it or not, of the 41 episodes of this show that I've produced, only one comic has actually had Rob Liefeld drawing or writing them.
(Cut to a shot of a cover of a "Cable" comic book)
Linkara (v/o): I know! I was surprised by this, too, especially when I realized that today's subject, "Law and Order", was another incident of Liefeld-inspired artwork. As I said last time, the man's work was highly influential in the artistic style of the early '90s: unusual proportions, emphasis on cheesecake art for women, and huge guns were all the rage. And the pouches. Oh, dear Lord, don't get me started on the pouches! Anyway, the point is that eventually Rob split off from Image Comics and started his own studio, Maximum Press.
Linkara: And unsurprisingly, it churned out this piece of trash. So let's dig into (holds up the comic of topic today...) "Law and Order #1".
(AT4W title sequence is shown, followed by the title of this episode, while Patti Smith's "Because the Night" plays in the background; cut to this comic's cover)
Linkara (v/o): Geeze! There are only so many ways I can say "It's bland", folks. Well, can't fault them for false advertising, though: two women in cleavage-exposing outfits and holding guns; it's this comic in a nutshell. Although, to make this cover a little different, is this bald guy scowling and violently straining his neck. (reads text in starburst) "1st exciting issue!!!"
Linkara: Ooh, how much do you want to bet that that's a massive lie?
Linkara (v/o): We open to a dark alleyway in Manhattan. (reads caption text) "Two minutes in the future..."
Linkara: Wow, this really is the not-too-distant future.
Tex box:Monsters prowl the city in the guise of men. The innocent die at the altar of brutality, while the working stiffs cower behind their doors, refusing to get involved.
Linkara: Did I accidentally buy an issue of "Daredevil"?
Text box:Chaos holds unchallenged dominion over the night.
Linkara: I thought the night belonged to lovers.
Linkara (v/o): Blah, blah, blah, more narration as a woman emerges from a portal.
Text box: In two minutes the predators will have a new enemy...
Linkara: The next movie franchise crossover: "Predator vs. Leprechaun"!
Linkara (v/o): So now it's the present. So... two minutes ago? Two minutes from the present, which is now the future? Comic creators, if you're not gonna be about what time things take place, don't even bother telling us! (narrator voice) Her name is Order. She's barely seventeen.
Linkara: But don't feel bad about leering at her in her skintight outfit or anything.
Linkara (v/o): Okay, if I keep making fun of this narration, we'll be hear forever, so here's the gist of it: Order is partnered up with this guy named Law. How ironic. The two apparently kill Mafia members, and Law was supposed to be indestructible, but now some super assassin has slaughtered him. Oh, look! Underage butt! Um... Order, th-that's not how you apply CPR, Order. Some super cop or something take Order into custody.
Max Speer: The name's Max Speer. People tell me I've got an attitude problem. Ain't no problem at all, I can back it up!
Linkara:(as Speer) You think I've got an attitude problem?! Oh, I'll kill you, son of a bitch! I'LL KILL YOU! (rushes at the camera)
Linkara (v/o): Mr. Speer takes her to the underground facility known as The Hive.
(Cut to a shot of a Batman comic)
Batman: Bees. My God.
(Back to the Law and Order comic)
Linkara (v/o): Hive is one of your standard super-secret organizations that only the President knows about, investigates the paranormal, and blah, blah, blah. We flashback to when Law met Order. Order was a drug addict whose dealer almost killed her with a bad dose of some drug. Order showed up and saved her...
(Law showed up, not order. Sorry.)
Linkara (v/o): ...and the two became a duo out to kill criminals.
Text box: He saved her life and gave her a purpose. All he demanded in return was her unquestioning obedience. In time she grew to love him.
Linkara (v/o): Yeah... that just screams "unhealthy relationship".
Text box: The shallow kind of love born of dependence. She knew he would not approve of her affection, so she never expressed it.
Linkara (v/o): Instead, she just made really bizarre facial expressions at him while aiming her eyes off in random directions. Still in exposition mode, Law was apparently an intergalactic mercenary who had been taken by an alien group called the Abraxis.
(Cut to a shot of a DVD cover for the movie Abraxas)
Linkara (v/o): No, no, not that Abraxas.
(Back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): This group of tall Yodas. The Yodas show him all the terrible things he had done as a mercenary.
Text box: The massed anguish of ten thousand innocents, free-floating in the universe, adrift without a home... and suddenly he knew!
Linkara:(as Law) My God! I'm the one who made Han Solo not shoot first!