August 20th, 2013
NOTE: All dialogue that is in Bold and Italics in this transcript means that the characters are singing
(openings starts with the Channel Awesome Production Logo, followed by "2013, two years after his last musical crossover, The Nostalgia Critic has teamed up with Paw and Kyle to sing once more at the convention ConBravo")
(cut to the lobby fountain of the hotel ConBravo is taking place at, as a parody song that sounds like the "Prologue/Work Song" from Les Misérables starts to play)
(the camera cuts to a hallway moving towards one of the rooms door peepholes)
(Inside are The Nostalgia Critic, Paw, and Oancitizen, sitting on the bed watching the 2012 "Les Misérables" movie, groaning in pain rhythmically with the song)
Kyle: Look down! Look down!
Don't look right at the screen!
NC/Paw: We can't, we've tried
It's just too damn obscene
NC: The singing's live
Whose bright idea was that?
Kyle/Paw: Probably the guy who gave Javert that hat
Paw: Come on, you guys
It's not that bad per se
NC/Kyle: But Russell Crowe –
Paw: OK, OK, OK!
(cut to Brentalfloss entering the room, wearing a ridiculous version of Javert's uniform, with a cardboard Cap'n Crunch hat, and slinkies on his shoulders)
NC/Paw/Kyle: Look down! Look down!
Don't look right at the screen!
NC: Hush up, you guys
It's Brentalfloss' scene
Brentalfloss: Tenants of Room 24601
(back to NC, Paw and Kyle, the former of whom jumps at the way Floss is singing, then starts trying to figure out what the fuck he's doing, the latter two highly confused)
Floss: Your punishment has officially begun
You know what THAT means
(NC thankfully halts his singing)
NC: CUT! Cut! Cut cut cut cut cut!
Floss: What? What? (shrugs)
(the trio gets off the bed, stands up and faces Floss)
NC: Umm...Hey, Floss!
NC: Whatcha doin'?
NC: Is that what you call it?
Floss: Yeah, it's wonderful! I've actually been channeling Russell Crowe (pulls out a soundtrack album of "Russell Crowe Sings The King and I," featuring NC making a Crowe-like face) by listening to his latest album.
(the three look at the CD with disgust and fear)
Floss: And, uh, I gotta tell ya, he's changing the music world forever.
Kyle: (muttering) Yeah, from good to bad.
NC: Quick meeting, everybody.
(the three gather round in a group huddle)
Floss: Oh, uh, me, too?
(he is stopped midway by Paw ah-pa-paing him to stay in his current position)
(cut to the three in the huddle)
Paw: We can't have him in the review.
NC: Do you think I don't know that?
Kyle: We have to get rid of him. He's like a musical armageddon.
Paw: (pauses) The movie or the event?
Kyle: Does it matter?
NC: Hold on. Think I got an idea.
(the three then turn back to Brentalfloss, looking just as silly as he did at the start of the review)
NC: Floss, we've been talking, and we realized that we would like the role much better if you played it as Dr. Mario.
Paw: We would?
NC: (to Paw) Shut up. (to Floss) Seeing how it ties in much more with your "With Lyrics" series.
Floss: Oh, that sounds awesome! (points toward the door) I actually have a Dr. Mario costume with me right here!
Kyle: If only it were that simple. (Floss looks confused) You see, we really want you to get in character, and that will require you to...going to medical school.
Floss: Well, how long does that take?
NC: Oh, only a couple days.
Paw: It does?
(Kyle punches Paw in the arm; he winces and falls to the floor)
NC: (to Kyle) If he does that again, you can shoot him. (Kyle beams) So, go ahead, Floss. Go in there and get your medical degree!
Floss: (nodding) Awesome! That's a great idea! Well, see you guys in a few days! (turns to leave)
Kyle: Oh, and if anyone tells you otherwise...they're liars!
(Floss leaves the room. Critic sighs in relief and sits back down on the bed with Kyle and Paw.)
NC: Should we start this review properly?
Kyle: Why start now?
Paw: A little background...
(A montage of images depicting the Les Misérables novel)
Kyle (vo): In 1862, Victor Hugo published his magnum opus: the story of criminal-turned-saint, Jean Valjean, with a title that can roughly be translated as "The Miserable Ones," "The Dispossessed" or even "The Victims." Les Misérables was a worldwide commercial success, though initially a critical failure, with critics taking issue with the novel's many digressions, broad characters and even, gasp, its revolutionary spirit. Sweeping book sales, in the next century-and-a-half, Les Miz would become (montage of) multiple film adaptations, a TV miniseries, a radio drama, a (sound effects from Arm Joe, a retro Les Miz video game – no, really) fighting game...OK, and a musical, which...well, go ahead, Paw.
(Footage from 10th anniversary concert of the musical, starring Colm Wilkinson as Valjean)
Paw (vo): This story of the 1832 June Rebellion in Paris was forever transformed in collective consciousness when Claude-Michel Schönberg and company decided that this tale would make a great musical, and became known as one of the single greatest musicals of the late 20th century.
(The movie's title card and scenes from 2012 movie are shown)
Paw (vo): Then Tom Hooper decided that this should become a blockbuster movie in 2012, and it became known as the single strangest execution of the 21st century. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
(cut back to hotel room)
NC: And seeing as we're all Les Miz fans...
Kyle: And how it mixes arthouse techniques...
Paw: And musical techniques...
NC: We figured that this would be the ideal combo. So let's see how some of the most celebrated music of all time is represented.
Javert (Russell Crowe): Now, Prisoner 24601...
Javert: Your time is up and your parole's begun
NC (vo): Who let the kid going through puberty out of the glee club?
Javert: And I'm Javert
Do not forget my name
Kyle (vo): That's Russell Crowe, playing Javert, a guard-turned-inspector who becomes obsessed with the prisoner named Jean Valjean, played by Hugh Jackman.
Paw (vo): And what terrible crime did Valjean commit to make him so obsessed? He stole a loaf of bread.
(back to the guys)
NC: He did WHAT?! Inexcusable! In a time of rape and murder, bread-stealing will NOT be tolerated!
Paw: (tries to calm him down) Critic, Critic...calm. Calm.
NC: Have you ever had French bread?
NC: Then you wouldn't understand.
Valjean (Hugh Jackman): My sister's child was close to death
We were starving –
Javert: You'll starve again
Kyle (vo): And, yes, it's almost pointless to talk about Russell Crowe's horrible singing, as he's already been the butt of so many jokes.
(clip from Animaniacs)
Yakko: I'm Yakko!
Wakko: I'm Wakko!
Dot: And I'm Javert!...Shoot!
Director: Cut! (Wakko laughs)
(back to the movie)
Kyle (vo): But what way does Russell Crowe's singing voice rub people the wrong way? Because, in many respects, it's not actually as bad as you may think.
(In the room, NC gives Kyle a weird look; Paw pulls his fist back as if to punch him)
Kyle: (holds up a finger) Hear me out.
(montage of Javert)
Kyle (vo): When you get down to it, he's in tune. He knows how to phrase his melodies. But he's using a different style. He's trained in rock and folk, a subdued, naturalistic style. Musical theater is grand and stylized, and because of that, the nature of the aesthetic makes it easy to spot a faker.
NC (vo): On top of that, Crowe likes to use his acting method of "If I act like I don't care, maybe I can trick you to care." But in this film, all the other actors seem to have that pesky mindframe of wanting to emote and convey actual emotion.
Javert: Forgive me, sir, I would not dare
(scene with the Thénardiers)
Paw (vo): You can't pretend all the actors sing great, especially when compared to the stage versions.
Valjean: Say what you must
Don't leave it there
(Valjean walks up a hill)
Paw (vo): But the acting still really pulls through, like here. While on parole, Jean Valjean can't find any work because of his past. But a priest, played by Colm Wilkinson, shows comfort to him.
Bishop Myriel (Colm Wilkinson): There is wine here to revive you
There is bread to make you strong
NC: That's Colm Wilkinson?
NC: It can't be!
Paw: Why not?
NC: I can understand him!
(Wilkinson on stage)
NC (vo): He usually sounds like Sean Connery if his lips were being stretched by a rice picker.
Wilkinson: The cries in the dark that nobody hears
Here where I stand at the turning of the years?
(same church scene as before)
NC (vo): I mean, shouldn't this be more like... (imitates Wilkinson) Dere izh wine here to revive you
Dere izh bread to make you zhtro-ooong
Kyle: (through his teeth) You will leave that man alone. He is a musical treasure.
NC: I will for now, Kyle. But my collection of Colm Wilkinson funny voices will not go untouched. (dramatic note)
(Valjean steals silver)
NC (vo): So Valjean gets arrested for stealing some silver from the priest. But the priest makes up a lie for Valjean, allowing him to be free. This hits pretty close for our hero, (cut to extreme close-up of Valjean) so close that you can almost smell his breath.
Valjean: My life he claims for God above
Can such things be?
NC (vo): Jesus, guy, take a few steps back! I can see the scenery you've been chewing between your teeth!
Kyle (vo): Yes, and the wide range of scenery is impressive, too. (sped-up shot of Valjean repeatedly walking up and down hall) In front of the altar, back through the hall, back to the altar again, back through the hall.
Paw (vo): Well, you can't say the pacing in the movie is bad!
(Back in the room, Paw tries to play a rimshot, but no sound plays; he tries again without success.)
NC: No, no, no. It only works if I do it. (rimshots)
Valjean: Another story must begiiiiiiiiin!
NC (vo): So, now that Valjean wants to break his parole and turn his life around, I'm sure a good chunk of the movie is going to be showing the process of his transformation from outcast fugitive to a balanced, everyday citizen of France –
(cut to Valjean as mayor of Montreuil-sur-Mer)
Paw (vo): Actually, he's the mayor in the next scene.
NC (vo): Wait a minute...WHAT?
(Valjean lectures the factory workers)
Paw (vo): Yeah. Eight years go by and he's mayor.
NC (vo): No, no, no, no, no. Nobody just goes from runaway fugitive to being the mayor of an entire town!
Kyle (vo): Yeah. It's usually the other way around.
NC: You're missing the point! The transformation could have been a movie all in of itself, and instead the movie just sneezes it at us!
(montage of poor and homeless French people)
NC (vo): I mean, look at all these people suffering! Dead bodies! Children suffering! Why doesn't somebody just say "Come on, ya lazy bastards, be mayor! You like stealing bread out of other people's mouths? That's politics in a nutshell!"
Paw: Well, maybe he's getting help from this sister he mentioned earlier, who's not...really in the film...at all...
NC: Or her child.
Paw: Or her child. Her child...and here, she...grew up, to become...president...whatever...that, you know, how, that's how you do...French people have presidents.
(Javert and other police officers on their horses)
Kyle (vo): So Javert, having transformed into Maximus Bonaparte, (cut to Valjean spotting Javert in the factory) distracts Valjean's attention when he tries to settle a factory dispute.
Valjean: Deal with this, foreman.
Foreman (Michael Jibson): I might have known the cat had claws
I might have guessed your little secret
(Fantine is thrown out of the factory)
NC (vo): This results in the factory worker Fantine, played by Anne Hathaway, being tossed out, while Valjean is congratulated by Javert for not being recognized by him.
Javert: It seems to me we may have met
Valjean: Your face is not a face I would forget
NC (vo): (sarcastic laugh) Way to bring in that Broadway training there, Hugh.
(Valjean singing "forget" is repeated three times)
(montage of Fantine at the harbor)
Paw (vo): So Fantine goes into the cruel, cruel world, selling her hair, her teeth and, ultimately, herself so she can support her child.
(Fantine prepares to have sex with a sailor)
NC (vo): Why? Hasn't she heard? She can be mayor in a jump cut! Hell, by the time this movie is over, she'll probably be the queen of France!
Paw: Next to Valjean's niece or nephew president!
NC: Put a sock in it.
(Fantine sits up on the bed)
Kyle (vo): This leads to the big "I Dreamed a Dream" performance, and...
NC/Kyle/Paw: It's fantastic.
(Fantine sings "I Dreamed a Dream")
NC (vo): It's all done in one shot, it keeps the intimacy close, and Anne Hathaway's voice and performance knocks it out of the park.
(the sailor pushes up Fantine's dress)
Paw (vo): The choice of moving this scene to after she becomes a prostitute, and not just after she loses her job, (cut back to Fantine on the bed) makes the moment all the more heartbreaking as well.
Kyle (vo): It carries shades of Falconetti as Joan of Arc. If the rest of the film were this passionate, we would not be doing this review.
NC: In fact, I think you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who wasn't blown away by this scene. (knock at the door) Who the hell?
Kyle: I'll get it.
(He opens the door to find a very angry Linkara)
Linkara: How dare you do a musical review without me! (NC opens the door wider) The world deserves to hear my angelic voice!
NC: Ah, jeesh...
Linkara: Don't you wanna hear what I really thought about Anne Hathaway's performance?
NC: It's not that, it's just...we already have enough reviewers.
(Linkara looks crushed)
NC: Kyle. Deal with it.
(He walks back into the room as music swells)
Kyle: I might have known the cat had claws
I might have known the bitch could bite
I might have guessed your singing secrets –
Linkara: OK, if you're going to insult me, don't do it in song.
Kyle: Fine. I'll just say it's my time to shine, and shut the door on you.
(He does. A despondent Linkara turns to walk down the hall. Kyle sits back down on the bed.)
NC: Think he'll be OK?
Kyle: Oh, he'll be fine.
Paw: Yeah. I'm sure he'll get over it.
(back in his own room, Linkara slowly lifts his head up to the camera as more music swells)
Linkara: I dreamed I'd be in this review
I was barely in the Moulin Rouge! one
(inset of Linkara singing the intro to the Moulin Rouge! review)
I dreamed they'd give me stuff to do
Unlike PawDugan's Muppet Scrooge one
(inset of the title card from Paw's Muppet Christmas Carol review)
I'd critique Anne Hathaway
(inset of Fantine singing)
God, people freaked for her performance
"She sang the whole song in one take!"
Like that's some impressive feat
Broadway actors do that nightly
(insert of Ruthie Henshall as Fantine on Broadway)
I dreamed I'd even –
That SciFi Guy: (walks in front of the shot and picks up an iPod) I just – I, uh, was grabbing my iPod.
Linkara: I – I'm trying to do a one-take –
That SciFi Guy: (looks back and forth between Linkara and the camera) You're doing, like, a –
Linkara: (shoves him out of the way) I dreamed a perfect Les Miz film
Where Russell Crowe sung smooth and groovy
(inset of Javert)
I dreamt the singers weren't so shrill
(inset of Valjean)
But then woke up and watched this movie
That SciFi Guy: (re-enters, picks up his earbuds) Sorry, I just kinda forgot my –
Linkara: (tries to shove them into SciFi Guy's hands over his protests) I dreamed I'd be on the TV! (he starts wailing on SciFi Guy with his hat) I dreamed that –
(SciFi Guy falls back against something made of glass, shattering it. The dark backdrop behind Linkara falls as he waits to resume his song, seething. He puts on the backdrop as a cape.)
Linkara: I dreamed life has strung me up...I dreeeeamed...
That SciFi Guy: (reaches into the frame with Linkara's hat, puts it back on his head) Uh, here's your hat –
Linkara: (points) GET IN THE CORNER!
That SciFi Guy: I'm sorry! All right?!
(Linkara resumes his Fantine-like pose as the song draws to a close)
(Valjean meets Fantine)
Kyle (vo): So Valjean comes across Fantine, looking radiant in her Smeagol makeup, (insert of Gollum) and feels guilty because he let his foreman throw her out.
Fantine (Anne Hathaway): Yes, you were there, and turned aside! (spits at him)
NC (vo): Yeah, how dare you left a situation you knew nothing about and then asked a guy to do the job he was required to do!
(Valjean picks up Fantine)
Paw (vo): Nevertheless, Valjean does feel guilty (cut to Fantine in a hospital bed) and takes her to the hospital, where she tells him that she has a child who needs to be taken care of in case she dies. (and then she dies) And then she dies.
NC (vo): Boy, wasn't that good timing.
(Javert enters; he and Valjean fight)
Paw (vo): What's not good timing is that Javert discovers Valjean after he's confessed his true identity.
NC: Why did he do that?
(over a montage of the following)
Paw (vo): Well, because another man was confused for him, and so coincidentally being brought to the court on the same day, so that Valjean revealed himself in the courtroom, except that Javert wasn't there, so the judge, for some reason, let him leave so he could go to the hospital, where Javert caught up later.
NC: (sarcastic) Oh, that old story!
NC (vo): But Valjean escapes and vows to take care of her daughter, Cosette, (cut to the inn) who lives with Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter.
Kyle (vo): Why didn't you use their character names?
NC (vo): Because it's Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter. That's who they always play.
M. Thénardier (Sacha Baron Cohen): Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon viveur
(montage of Thénardiers)
Kyle (vo): I find it extremely ironic that Cohen is doing an exaggerated French accent in a movie where everyone is French, yet everyone else in the movie has a British accent, despite the fact that Cohen is one of the few British people there.
Paw (vo): But they shake it up with some of the more off-beat humor, like –
(cut to a female customer humping a man dressed as Père Nöel as M. Thénardier steals stuff from under his bed)
Paw (vo): Oh, GOD! Are they raping Santa?!
Kyle (vo): Wouldn't that technically be Father Christmas?
NC (vo): I thought it'd be Père Nöel.
Paw (vo): Who cares?! They're raping Santa!
NC (vo): Well, maybe that's their way of making this a Christmas film. I can just see the ads now.
(movie title card)
NC (vo): Les Misérables: A musical romp of (montage of) death, starvation and raping Santa! (caption: MERRY CHRISTMAS! FA LA LA LA LA) Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!
Paw: But why would they do something like that?
NC: Because it's Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter. They're all about doing shock humor like that.
(there is a bit of static on the TV on the wall, revealing Malcolm Ray and Rachel Tietz dressed as the Thénardiers)
Malcolm: (exaggerated French accent) Zat is not ze only reason!
NC: Malcolm, Rachel, what are you doing here?
Rachel: It's not a shock value that keeps them getting hired! There's soooo much more!
NC: Like what?
(music swells; this number is intercut with scenes of the Thénardiers; Malcolm and Rachel struggle to get in front of each other throughout)
Rachel: When all the angst is too much to take
Comic relief can give you a break
(scenes of sad scenes from other movies, followed by their respective comic relief characters)
Malcolm: But who to pick to shell out the laughs without appearing (picture of Jar Jar Binks) lame or half-assed?
Rachel: When you need two Brits, (wedding photo of Prince William and Kate Middleton, with everyone but them Xed out) seasoned and legit, (photos of Cohen and Carter) both crazier than shit – there's one pick for it
Malcolm: Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter
Want a spare with crazy hair? Well, here's a starter
Rachel: Both a little nutty, and often very slutty
You want to see variety? Well, too bad, buddy
Malcolm: No need for a big audition
Needn't look all over town
They can really phone it in when (inset of Tim Burton) Mr. Burton's not around
Rachel: Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter
If you make it easier, they won't try harder
Malcolm: Grab a costume and throw 'em in a room
They get a tacky giggle and the plot resumes
Rachel/Malcolm: There's no point in trying to hate them
They'll just come back with much more ardor
Rachel: They become their own cliché
Malcolm: At least it gets them stable pay
Rachel/Malcolm: So give a hearty "What the hey?" today, the players known as Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter!
To Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter!
(Valjean meets Cosette in the woods)
NC (vo): So Valjean comes to take Cosette away, (Valjean and Cosette walk off together) who seems to take the whole dead mother thing pretty well – I dare even say it's just glanced over – but, to be fair, if you were a little girl, you'd probably be happy to suddenly have Wolverine as your father, too.
(Cosette is asleep on Valjean's lap as they ride away)
Kyle (vo): So much so that it calls for a song that they Scotch-taped onto the film just to get a Best Original Song nomination.
Valjean: Never more alone, never more apart
You have warmed my heart like the sun
You have brought the gift of life and love, so long denied me
(as Valjean sings, a graphic appears of a hand rubbing an Oscar up and down with the word OSCARBATION)
(Javert chases Valjean and Cosette)
Paw (vo): But Javert spots the fleeing Valjean and chases after him.
(Valjean carries Cosette through a series of narrow stone corridors)
NC (vo): Not since I shook my head in a room with no lights on have I seen an action scene so well-shot!
(Valjean and Cosette enter the convent)
Paw (vo): But, luckily, he is helped out by a person he saved from a runaway cart earlier.
Fauchelevent (Stephen Tate): You saved my life, m'sieur.
Valjean: Fauchelevent, we need a place of sanctuary, this child and I. I need to disappear. We'll give thanks for –
(the guys crack up)
Paw: Not too concerned about getting caught, are ya?
NC: "M'sieur, we have to keep quiet!"
Kyle: You may not sing like this!
(Valjean wanders around the convent)
NC (vo): So Valjean escapes Javert, Cosette finds a new place to call home, and they live the rest of their days together.
NC: And that was Les Misérables, everybody. Man, they had a lot to cram in there, but I think they did a pretty good job.
Paw: No, they – it's not over yet. I mean, this was barely the first third.
NC: ...The first third. (Paw nods; Kyle strokes his chin) They had enough story to fill a Christopher Nolan flick.
Paw: Oh, no. There's much, much more.
(Javert sings "Stars" under a cloudy night sky)
Paw (vo): Like Javert swearing an oath to the stars, even though, ironically, you can barely see the stars.
(Valjean cuddles Cosette)
NC (vo): Well, at the very least, this'll give more time for the character to bloom. I mean, we can see the connection between a new father and daughter and see how their relationship will evolve –
(cut to a teenage Cosette)
Paw (vo): Nope! Next scene, she's a teenager, and it's nine years later.
NC (vo): OH, COME ON!
NC: I thought this was supposed to be, like, the musical of emotion and feelings!
Kyle: It is!
NC: Well, how?
(montage of various characters)
NC (vo): It's passing over all the essential relationships and transformations that create drama! You can do whole entire musicals based on one of the changes these characters go through! But instead, they squeeze each change into one song and then dump in more characters and stories not needed! Why can't they just focus on the already heavy characters and storylines that they have?
Paw (vo): Well, they do...while also throwing in (montage of) Marius, Éponine, Gavroche and Enjolras.
NC (vo): Four more characters with four more storylines to add to the jumble?
NC: Next you'll be telling me they're bringing back characters they already got rid of!
Paw: (laughs) Look.
M. Thénardier: Please...
NC (vo): JESUS CHRIST! AS IF WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH!
Paw (vo): But that's all from the original stage show!
NC (vo): Which is an adaptation of the book the size of the Bible!
Kyle (vo): Critic does bring up a good point. (Jurassic Park book cover and movie poster side-by-side) Doing a film adaptation is tricky enough already. (footage from stage musical) But this is a medium transfer (inset of book cover) from a medium transfer. (a page in some book) You go from a book, which audiences will usually allow to be as long as it wants, (footage from musical) to a Broadway show, which audiences usually allow to be three hours with an intermission, (footage from movie) to a movie, which audiences usually allow two-and-a-half hours at most, with no intermission.
NC (vo): Exactly. If they wanted this adaptation to work, they had to make bigger changes without being afraid of the purist fanbase.
NC: Whatever confrontation pops up, they shouldn't be expected to just run and hide.
(knock at the door)
Kyle: It's Brentalfloss!
NC: Run and hide! (they do)
Floss: (enters holding a piece of paper) Hey, guys! You were right! It is easy to become a doctor! (shot of NC, Kyle and Paw crammed into the closet) I got my medical certification in just one day!
Paw: (whispering) How is that possible?
Floss: Where'd you guys go? Oh, wait, I should stay in character. Hey, you guys, where are you? I have come to play Javert! I am here for that! (the guys groan and plug their ears) Do not forget me! Do not forget my name! 2460-oooooone! Hmmm, they don't seem to be here. Maybe they're in the lobby. (leaves)
(the guys fall out of the closet)
NC: Insert coming out of the closet joke here.
Paw: (rimshots, laughs) Hey, I got it.
Elisa: "But vhy vould a vampire live on Sesame Street vhen Muppets don't have any blood?"
Floss: Oh, hey, there. Why are you talking so funny?
Elisa: Why are you talking so funny?
Floss: I'm rehearsing for a musical review in room 24601 and I can't seem to find them, goodbye. (leaves) Hello, you guys, where did you go?
Elisa: (delighted) A musical review! (runs off)
(montage from movie, including Marius and Éponine bantering)
NC (vo): OK, so we have a gritty, realistic...musical, that has tons of characters and story to develop.
Paw (vo): Yes, and they tackle it in the most gritty and realistic way.
(Marius and Cosette lock eyes)
Paw (vo): Marius and Cosette meet up and instantly fall in love.
NC (vo): That's stupid.
Paw (vo): Yeah, yeah, that is stupid.
(Cosette and Marius meet at the gate as Éponine watches)
Kyle (vo): Not to mention the love triangle it generates between the two of them and Éponine.
NC (vo): And let me guess: the one that nobody loves is the one that has the most development.
Kyle (vo): Pretty much.
Marius (Eddie Redmayne): A heart full of love
Éponine (Samantha Barks): He was never mine to lose
Marius/Cosette (Amanda Seyfried): A heart full of you
Éponine: Why regret what cannot be?
Marius: A single look and then I knew
Paw: Yeah, sorry, guys...this, this stuff just doesn't happen in real life. It's cheesy even on Broadway. When do two people see each other and then instantly fall in –
Elisa: (enters) Hey, I heard there was a musical review –
(she locks eyes with Paw; he stands up to meet her; music swells)
Elisa: In here...
Paw: (coughs nervously) There is...it's about Les Misérables.
(they move closer to each other)
Elisa: Oh, yeah? What were you guys...talking about?
Paw: How silly it is when people see each other in musicals and instantly fall in love.
Elisa: Oh, yeah...that's ridiculous.
(song is intercut with images of Marius and Cosette)
Elisa: It's weird
We're so used to hearing that kind of song
Paw: And, yet, when you think about it logically, it's so obviously wrong
(they smile dreamily at each other; cut to them gazing at each other over a rosebush)
Elisa: In real life, it can take so much time just to find a good guy
(Paw and Elisa look at a bridal gown in a shop window, embracing and laughing)
Paw: In real life, it can be really hard just to tell someone (voice breaks) "Hi!"
(Paw and Elisa skip hand-in-hand down the street)
Elisa: But in a musical, courtships don't take long
(they waltz in a courtyard)
Paw: Because in a musical, who cares about logic when people can break into song?
(Elisa pretends to hide behind a street lamp; Paw pretends he can't see her; they embrace joyfully when he "finds" her)
(they sigh melodramatically; cut to the two skipping through the grass)
Elisa: In real life, there's no guy who could capture my heart with one glance
(the two playfully fight over Paw's headphones)
Paw: In real life, how could one chance encounter lead straight to romance?
Elisa/Paw: Wouldn't that be stupid?
Wouldn't that be lame?
Elisa: A hasty hello
Paw: And they're ready to go
Elisa/Paw: Pick their first baby's name
Paw: Paul Junior.
(they walk through ConBravo, looking at necklaces)
Elisa/Paw: What if we were in that kind of song?
We'd look like a pair of fools
Puppeteer: (as Kermit the Frog) So I hear you guys are in love. (they laugh) Why aren't you saying anything? (they keep laughing; the Kermit puppet looks sad)
Elisa/Paw: Looking into each other's eyes
Reflecting like radiant, wonderful, beautiful, wonderful pools
(Elisa and Paw dance in a circle in the lobby)
Elisa: You'd be a dashing young hero
Paw: And you'd be the intriguing ingenue
(Elisa pulls Paw away from a poster of Emma Frost)
Elisa/Paw: In a way, you have to love that kind of song
(they meet Nash and ask for his autograph; Linkara sees this and gets mad)
Elisa/Paw: Cause that's how I feel about yooooouuuuu
(back at the hotel room, they giggle and play-fight on the other bed)
Paw: (tickling her) Are you my snookies?
Elisa: (pinching his cheeks) Yooouuu! Yooouuu! (they keep giggling as NC and Kyle watch in confusion)
NC: This review is carrying more subplots than the movie.
Kyle: Well, at least we couldn't possibly get any more.
(the door opens; Todd in the Shadows enters in a panic)
Todd in the Shadows: Guys, guys! You won't believe what I saw!
NC: NO! NO!
(they run to the door and try to shove Todd out)
Todd: (trying to keep the door open) It was a plaidipus bunny!
(NC and Kyle pause)
Kyle: What's a plaidipus – ?
NC: Don't ask!
(as they struggle, Paw and Elisa keep snuggling)
Todd: But it had plaid-colored skin!
Todd: It had a tail made out of webbed feet!
(they get the door shut, then pause)
Kyle: A tail made of webbed feet...
NC: I'm sure it's not as impressive as it sounds.
(they go back to the bed and look over at Paw and Elisa, giggling and stroking each other's faces)
NC: I suppose this is as good a spot as ever to take a break.
Kyle: But we have to do it in traditional Les Miz style.
Kyle: With a song big enough to bring people back, but not too big as to overshadow the final song.
NC: Oh. You mean like...
(he leaves; we next see him outside, walking up a hill)
NC: One big song
Big enough that we leave 'em awed
But not so big that we blow our wad
Let's rock the viewers to the core, but leave them longing for one more
Big loud song...
Paw/Elisa: (holding hands) My foolish heart is yours to take
Though I know zero things about you
Todd: (sitting at the desk in his hotel room) PLAIDIPUS BUNNAAAAY!
Paw/Elisa: Let's take a short commercial break
I couldn't bear the wait without you
(Paw kisses Elisa's nose)
Kyle: (adjusting his collar in the mirror) Time to show off my great voice
Todd: It had 12 nipples and breathed fire
Todd: It had the voice of James Earl Jones
Linkara: (in front of the dark backdrop) Maybe I'll be in this part
Kyle: Linkara can't be in this part
That SciFi Guy: (re-enters the frame) Grabbing my charger...
Linkara: (shoves him aside) I WILL END YOU!
Malcolm/Rachel: The song
Elisa: My e-mail...
All: It's on
All: Let's end
All: Act one!
Todd: PLADIDPUS BUNNAAAAY!
Floss: Where's the Critic? I don't get it
Where in God's name did they go?
(inset of Malcolm and Rachel doing the robot)
Got my Ph.D. so quickly
Though I got it from Russell Crowe
NC: (appears at the bottom of the shot) We don't need any more help with this review
I got it covered with my current crew
All: One big song
NC: So kick your seat back and have a couple beers
All: One big song
NC: Watch this commercial with our voices ringing in your ears
All: One song big...big song one...one big sooooooooooong!
(cut to black; a plaidipus bunny appears at the bottom)
Plaidipus Bunny: One big song
(back in the hotel room, Paw is sitting on the guys' bed once again, this time canoodling with Elisa on his lap, making NC and Kyle look very uncomfortable; eventually Kyle just shrugs)
NC: So, just a recap.
(rebels and soldiers prepare for battle)
NC (vo): Paris is in the middle of starting Revolution Number Umpteen Kajillion, because they don't like the way the poor are being treated.
Paw: That's a very rushed way of putting it.
NC: If I put it in song, you'd say it was brilliant.
(Paw goes back to snuggling with Elisa)
Kyle (vo): (Éponine sings "On My Own") Éponine sings a song about the friend zone, (cut to Marius singing "Red and Black") and Marius sings like he swallowed an oboe.
Marius: To be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight
Kyle (vo): Judging by his voice, Marius is going to grow up to be Charlie Brown's teacher.
Marius: And what was wrong seems riiiiiiight (the rest of Marius' singing is replaced by the "voice" of Charlie Brown's teacher)
(rebels and peasants construct barricades)
NC (vo): This all leads up to the big attack led by the peasants of the town, as they set up the barricades all over.
Kyle (vo): Now, in the stage version, (pictures of) the barricades are giant, massive sets, truly something to behold. (movie version of barricades) But in this version, they're all squeezed into tiny corners of the town, allowing, of course, to get nothing but countless more close-ups. (close-ups of various characters) Because the cinematography in this film is awful. I want to feel emotion for these people, not count how many zits they have!
Paw: (turning away from Elisa) Now hold on a minute. Now, those shots were done so you could feel the intimacy and the... (turns back to Elisa) closeness of the characters.
NC: Yeah, and besides, there's a lot of other good cinematography in this, like the crane shots, the tracking shots, the still shots.
Kyle: First off...
(crane shot of the square)
Kyle (vo): The crane shots are only done at the beginning or end of a scene. That's it. (more crane shots) Not to mention, they all look like they're from a Pixar version of Fiddler on the Roof. (tracking shots) Second, the tracking shots are great, but the editing never allows us enough time to show them. In fact, most of the editing in this movie is so rapid that you can barely even follow what's going on.
Elisa: Come on, it can't be as bad as all that.
(Kyle stands up and clears his throat as music swells; he opens his mouth to sing)
Elisa: I enjoy the cinematography –
Paw: (in a low voice) Not now, not now, not now.
Elisa: But I have something to say about –
Paw: It doesn't matter. He hasn't had a song yet.
(music swells again as Kyle prepares to sing; he hears a sneeze and glares at the offending NC, who coughs a few times)
NC: (with a sheepish smile) Sorry.
(Kyle tries again; this time Nella bursts into the room)
Nella: Is somebody doing a musical review in here?!
(Kyle hisses like a cat, complete with claw-like hand gestures. Nella yelps in fear and exits. Finally, Kyle begins his song; the number is intercut with shots of him in the hotel room.)
Film is told in a language
With syntax and grammar
Some shots are adverbs...
(Valjean in the sewer)
Kyle: Others are pronouns
(a scene of the battle in the square, followed by Valjean running from Javert)
Kyle: Still others conjunctions
(Cosette and Éponine look at Marius, followed by Valjean climbing a wall)
Kyle: You get the idea
Every shot has its place
Every shot has its place
If you're manning the lens
(Valjean runs from Javert)
Don't be so lazy and lame
Every shot will look terribly dull
(Kyle leans toward the camera, followed by various close-ups)
If a face fills the frame
(Kyle is shown in shaky-cam, followed by similar scenes from the movie)
Look how the camera wiggles and jolts
And it all looks the same
And so it has been
And so it is written
On the gravestone of Eisenstein
(various poorly composed shots)
That films with shots so bloody boring don't stand the test of time
(he sobs, followed by M. Thénardier weeping)
Lord, tell directors how to shoot movies
Make them on paaaaaar
With student films at least
Tell them...how to shoot
(more poorly composed shots)
How to shoot movie staaaaaaars!
Well, I'm just so glad that I could finally do a solo for all of you –
(NC is snoring on the bed; Paw and Elisa are rubbing each other's midsections)
Paw: Should we talk about our interests or hobbies?
(Kyle gets mad)
Elisa: (laughs) Why, when we're so in love?
Kyle: Hey, there's a Buffy marathon going on downstairs.
Elisa: (excited) Girl power and vampires?!
(she runs off, accidentally pulling Paw to the floor)
(Kyle nods smugly)
(Éponine dresses as a boy)
NC (vo): So Éponine disguises herself as a boy, which is pointless, seeing how there's (peasant women at the barricades) clearly women in the barricades in this version, (Éponine gets shot) and sacrifices her life to save her not-boyfriend.
Marius: (cradling the dying Éponine in his arms) I'm here.
Éponine: That's all I need to know, and rain
Marius: Will make the flowers...grow
(the rebels look stricken as Éponine dies)
NC (vo): He, of course, (Marius carries Éponine's body away) shows his devotion and respect for one that loved him so much (Marius hands a letter to Gavroche) by immediately sending a love letter to his real sweetheart. Hey, three's a crowd.
(Gavroche hands the letter to Valjean)
Paw (vo): But a nice interception by Valjean, who grabs the letter and decides he should go down there to protect Marius, (Valjean approaches the rebels dressed as a soldier) as he might be the only hope his daughter has to leading a civil life, given the social and financial status of her father.
(Valjean sees Javert, who is bound with his head in a noose)
Kyle (vo): But not before secretly fleeing a captured Javert, (Valjean cuts Javert's wrist ties) as he knows the rebels would most likely kill him.
NC (vo): And, strangely enough, Crowe does manage to...act in this scene. (Valjean pulls out his gun while Javert is walking away) For a brief moment, it actually sounds like he gives a damn.
Javert: Once a thief, forever a thief
What you want, you always steal
Yes, Valjean, you want a deal
Shoot me now for -
(the guys react happily to Crowe's sudden lack of emotion)
NC: Ah! There he is! There's the autopilot schmuck I remember!
Paw: (laughing) He sucks so much...
Kyle: (laughing bitterly) He has Oscars...
(Valjean stands at a window, watching Marius)
NC (vo): Valjean then sings about how important it is to protect Marius, describing him like a son – a son he's only known for a few minutes.
Valjean: God on high
Hear my prayer
Kyle (vo): This is especially disrespectful to the original, as the song was supposed to be sung quietly and soothing. Here, he belts it out.
Valjean: If I die, let me die
Kyle (vo): I'm surprised he doesn't wake up the entire army.
NC: Oh, and I suppose Colm Wilkinson did much better?
Kyle: He did! Much better!
NC: Oh, and his (imitating with his hand) awkward lip movements didn't result for hilarious sounds like this?
(Cut to Wilkinson onstage)
Wilkinson: Bring me (hoarsely) ho-ome?
(NC and Paw chuckle)
Kyle: Well, OK, maybe not every note was perfect, but I don't –
(NC and Paw laugh heartily as Kyle looks irritated)
Paw: Did he swallow a fish?
Kyle: (flatly) It's still better than Jackman.
NC: Oh, I don't know. Jackman never sounded like a vomiting cat in reverse.
Wilkinson: Ho-ome? Ho-ome? Ho-ome?
(NC and Paw are in hysterics)
Kyle: (upset) Stop it!
(photo of Wilkinson with Christmassy music in the background)
NC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the (misspelled caption of) Barking Wilconsons.
(Wilkinson's "Ho-ome?" is repeated to the tune of dogs barking "Jingle Bells")
(NC and Paw are practically dying as they imitate this; Kyle looks even sadder)
Paw: He does sound like a twat!
(rebels stand on the barricade with their guns)
Paw (vo): The next day, it looks like our revolutionaries have no chance.
Soldier (Hadley Fraser): You have no chance!
(Gavroche distracts the soldiers and gets shot)
Paw (vo): In one of the more touching scenes, the young boy Gavroche sacrifices his life to fight for what he believes in. (shoot-out between rebels and soldiers) This leads to the final battle between the soldiers and the rebels.
Kyle (vo): Oh, I do hope it's all done in close, tight shots so that nobody can figure out what's going on.
(it is; then Javert looks at all the dead bodies)
NC (vo): Javert looks over the destruction and gives a very tender moment: (scene of) handing over his medal to the dead boy for his bravery. Now, this really begs the question: The symbol for Les Miz, both the movie and the stage production, is (posters featuring) the child Cosette. (back to Gavroche) But shouldn't it be the boy Gavroche? I mean, what does (shots of) Cosette do? She looks scared and gets married. (shots of) Gavroche is constantly active, sacrifices his life, and has much more of a character. Why isn't he the symbol of the movie?
Paw: Because he can't do this.
(the guys lean toward the camera with wide, childlike eyes and pouts; this dissolves into an illustrated version of the same, with a Les Mis-style flag behind them)
(Valjean drags Marius through the sewer and is confronted by Javert)
Kyle (vo): Valjean manages to escape with an unconscious Marius and comes across Javert waiting. (Valjean walks past Javert) But Javert is so confused by Valjean's honor and kind heart that not only does he let him go, (Javert drops his gun into the muck) but he questions his own morals.
Javert: Who is this man?
What sort of devil is he
To have me caught in a trap and choose to let me go free?
NC (vo; annoyed): God. Hearing Crowe debate ethics is like watching a rock argue with itself.
Javert: Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief
Damned if I yield at the end of the chase
I am the law
Rico: (from Judge Dredd): LAAAW!
Javert: There is no way to go oooooooon
(he looks down at the waterfall and throws himself in, hitting a ledge with a CRACK; this makes the guys crack up)
Paw: Really? Really? That – that was the best sound effect they could come up with?
Kyle: Way to kill him off with dignity.
NC: Yeah. What other cartoon sounds do you think we could put in there to up the drama?
(Javert's death scene is replayed with various sound effects, including SPLAT, GONG, THUD, SMASH, POINK, and Wilkinson saying, "Ho-ome?")
NC: Sorry, I couldn't resist.
(Cosette caresses Marius' face)
NC (vo): So Marius speaks with Valjean...
(this is shown at a Dutch angle; the guys tilt their heads in confusion)
NC: On the Titanic...
(Marius talks to Valjean)
NC (vo): And tells Marius that he wants him to marry his daughter, but he can't be around for it because...reasons that are explained much, much better in the book.
Valjean: It's for Cosette this must be faced
If he is caught, she is disgraced
(Valjean leaves, carrying a trunk)
Paw (vo): So Valjean vanishes, (scenes of Marius and Cosette's wedding) and Marius does end up marrying Cosette, just as he finds out the location of her father and, thus, goes to see him on his deathbed. (a dying Valjean sits in a chair) Or...chair.
Valjean: Now you are here
Again beside me
(Cosette is in tears)
NC (vo): And is it me, or does a guy who's about to die actually look better than he did at (shot of) the beginning of the movie?
Fantine's ghost: Come with me where chains will never bind you
Valjean: (gasps) I am ready, Fantine.
(Fantine's ghost leads Valjean into heaven, past an embracing Marius and Cosette)
Kyle (vo): So Valjean finally passes, the spirit of Fantine is there to greet him, (shot of dead characters standing atop a massive barricade) and all the souls who perished are joined again, next to the (shot of) sculpture that even Napoleon called a giant eyesore.
Chorus: Tomorrow coooooooomes!
(back in the hotel room, the guys look unsettled and shiver slightly)
NC: Say, is it me, or has the room gotten a lot less talented?
(they look up and gasp to see a creepily grinning Brentalfloss)
Floss: Hey, guys, I've been looking all over for you! Are we gonna start this review or what?
Paw: We would, but... (shrugs)
Kyle: Well, it's just that we kind of, um...
NC: ...finished it already.
Floss: What? But I never got a chance to do my Russell Crowe voice! I warned you that I would not give in (the guys cringe) and I will sing like this, it's really cool, 2460-ooooooone! I will sing like this! I am Russell Crowe! Blahbedy-dahbedy-doooooo!
NC: Russell Crowe is awful!
Floss: (shocked) What?
Kyle: He is.
Paw: Everyone knows it, man.
NC: I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but a musician trying to learn from Russell Crowe is like a public speaker trying to learn from a mime. I'm sorry.
(music blares as Floss turns away from them, turning angry)
Floss: Who are these jerks, this group of critical nerds
To denigrate Russell Crowe and make me feel like a turd?
All it would take is just a minute or two
But, no, they won't let me sing
Russell Crowe, what would you doooooo?
(he enters the bathroom)
(photoshopped image of Crowe in a fist-fight)
Should I pick fights with random dudes?
(inset of Crowe playing guitar on stage)
Should I go start a crappy band?
(inset of an angry-looking Crowe)
Should I be really hard to work with?
Or should I die by my own haaaaaand?
(he slams the door)
Damned if I'll look like a flibbety-fool
Damned if I'll look like a flobbity-tool
This is not just a comedy bit
Either I sing like Russell Crowe or that's iiiiiiiiit!
I'll escape now from this world
I will end my life today
Now I'll never have my song
I'll just have to find a waaaaaaaay...
(He falls slowly and dramatically into the unfilled bathtub, landing with a familiar CRACK. The guys later open the bathroom door to find a "dead" Floss in the tub. Paw shakes his head in sadness. They sit back down on the bed.)
NC: So, final thoughts on the movie?
Paw: Well, I think it's great.
(Several clips from the movie play as Paw gives his final thought)
Paw (vo): It did a wonderful job to update the musical, as well as adapt it in a way that moviegoers would enjoy. It has its problems here and there, but I think it's fantastic just to see it in movie form.
Kyle: Well, I thought it was terrible.
(Several more clips from the movie play as Kyle gives his final thought)
Kyle (vo): It's clumsy. It's awkward. It's full of moment upon moment that doesn't work. And it commits the biggest crime any adaptation could: It made me question whether or not the material it's adapting was that damn great to begin with.
Paw/Kyle: (leaning toward NC) Yoooouuuuu?
NC: (looks nervously between them) Well, uh, as someone who enjoyed the musical but acknowledges that it had problems, I think the film is kinda similar.
(Once more, several clips from the movie play as NC gives his final thought)
NC (vo): Some moments hit it right out of the park, and others don't even make it up to bat. So, on the whole, I'm glad I saw it. But I don't think it's great.
Kyle: Wait, so it's (points to Paw) like, (points to self) dislike, (points to NC) and indifferent.
NC: Well, hell, that's pretty much what the rest of the critics of the world thought.
(shot of the Rotten Tomatoes page for the movie, showing 69% critical approval)
NC (vo): There's no real majority consensus. It's one of those movies that is so hard to get a fix on that pretty much everybody had a different reaction to it.
Paw: Well, what the hell kind of a conclusion is that?
Kyle: We need some kind of opinion to force on the viewers.
(they hear wild applause as music swells)
NC: Listen! (he looks into the camera) Do you hear the critics sing?
NC/Kyle/Paw: Sing about how they don't agree?
It is a metaphor for life when mouths are big and speech is free
(they stand and head for the door)
When the pundits all concur
You need to pinch yourself because
You must be dreaming if that happens
It never does
(they exit the room and head down the hall)
NC: Will you draw your own conclusion
Or give up and follow me?
Paw: It's all subjective
Kyle: Just don't be pretentious, that's the key
NC/Kyle/Paw: There's even some people who didn't like Toy Story 3!
(they walk onto a ConBravo stage to rapturous applause)
NC/Kyle/Paw: Do you hear the critics sing?
Whether they praise or they bemoan
They know opinions are like assholes
Everybody has his own
(shot of Floss lying in the bathtub)
When you see a work of art
Go with your gut and don't despair
(shot of an angry Linkara watching the performance)
Either you liked it or you don't
And nobody cares
(an animated French flag appears behind them)
NC: "Ho-ome?" (Kyle and Paw smack him in the head) Ow!
(end credits roll)
(NC walks into a room in his office, returning from ConBravo)
NC: Ahh, home sweet home. (stops walking and turns around and notices Malcom and Rachel dressed as Sokka and Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender)
Katara (Rachel): Hello, Critic. We're Waterbenders.
NC: Ohh, look, I'm not really into new-age religion. Pretty much they all tell me I'm still going to hell.
Sokka (Malcom): No, no, we're not here for that. I'm Sokka, and this is my sister Katara. (*he prononces the names different from the show. probably based on the small name critcism Doug recieved in his V-logs)
NC: (beat) Well, obviously! And, uh, what's your guys' story?
Katara: Well, I am the motherly, emotionally center.
Sokka: And I'm funny!
NC: (beat, nods in agreement) Uh-huh, well, look, can you two freaks waterbend the hell outta here?
(Katara begins to bloodbend Critic. She moves her arms so Critic is under her control. She makes him beat himself in head repeatedly.)
Katara: Not until you save the franchise.
NC: Franchise!?! What franchise?
Sokka: There is a great evil that has damaged our world, and only you can restore balance.
NC: (looking in disbelief) What are you talking about?
(cuts to black)
(Channel Awesome logo)
Yakko: I'm Yakko!
Wakko: I'm Wakko!
Javert: And I'm Javert!