Lost in Space
February 16, 2010
(NC's chair appears without him in it, the camera moves around the house as if looking for him; it goes into the bathroom and finds NC in the shower fully clothed, hiding; he spots the camera)
NC: (picks up shampoo bottle) Here it is! Hehe, found it. The...shampoo, I... imagined it... being in the shower. (laughs) That's... that's um... OK, I really don't wanna do this... I mean, this movie's bad, REALLY bad! It's based off a SHIT TV show and you'd think it can't get much lower than that! But it does! It gets lower! Lo-lo-lo-lo-lower! (beat) LOOK AT THE TRAILER! The trailer looks great!
(Clips from the trailer for "Lost in Space" is shown)
NC: (voiceover) You got explosions, monsters, robots, some cool special effects, this was a cool looking movie.
(cut back to NC in the shower)
NC: Little did we realize the black hole of ASSness that awaited us all. (exhale) Well, guess there's no way I'm avoiding it. Let's look over the very appropriately titled... Lost in Space.
(The title screen for "Lost in Space" is shown, followed by a montage of clips of the movie)
NC: (voiceover) Just thinking about this movie makes me cringe. Everything about it is horrible. The story's horrible, the writing's horrible, the acting's horrible; I'd rather have a nose job by Edward Scissorhands than watch this pathetic pile of protoplasmic puss!
(cut to NC's room with NC in chair, as usual)
NC: But why bitch about it when I can properly torture you by showing it? This... is Lost in Space.
(The movie starts)
NC: (voiceover) So it takes place in the futuristic world of 2058.
Narrator: Finally, the warring nations of Earth had forgotten their differences and banded together to save our planet.
NC: Wow, you mean in just 48 years, world peace is gonna break out? I guess all the terrorists of the world went, "We're done! We had a good run, everybody! (scoffs) I'm sorry if you took us so seriously but we got a dark sense of humor."
Narrator: But as we prepared to launch ourselves into the black of space, terrorist forces, calling themselves The Global Sedition, were preparing to strike.
NC: (voiceover) Well, wait a minute!
NC: What was up with that 'world peace' bullshit? You said we set aside our differences right before a terrorist attack?
NC (voiceover): I guess there's no better way to show there's no war than... starting off with a war!
Don West (Matt LeBlanc): The sedition raiders.
Raider: This cold boy just got hot!
NC: (voice over) So we see one of our heroes, played by Matt LeBlanc, as we see the future of space travel has been reduced down to hamster wheels.
Computer: Target locked.
NC: EAT PEACE!!!
(The ship is blown up)
NC (voiceover) So we cut to the town of... future generic city as we see the mother of the Robinson family talk to her son's teacher. But her son is quite the rapscallian, as he can manage to hack into any computer.
Teacher: We didn't even have lights. (Her body changes into a Rambo body) This is no laughing matter... Will is... is... (Her body now changes into a model's body) terribly gifted.
Will: (to himself) The changing shape of education.
Teacher: (now with an animated gorilla body) The products of a truly brilliant mind...
Mom: (opens door to find son hiding) No more monkey business.
NC: "The changing shape," "No more monkey business" ...Is it really that hard to top this?!
Robo (from the "Lost in Space" TV show): Warning! Warning! Extraterrestrial lifeform approaching! (Flash of light occurs before a woman singing opera on a horse appears)
NC: No? Then start doing it!
NC: (voiceover) Meanwhile, we cut to Mr. Robinson, played by the ASTONISHINGLY dull William Hurt, as he discusses the plans for his dimensional portal science thingy.
John Robinson (William Hurt): As you all are aware, Alpha Prime is the only other habitable planet yet detected by deep space recon.
NC: (monotone and expressionless) Watch as my voice doesn't break an octave.
John Robinson: Once both gates are complete, ships will be able to pass instantaneously between them. Immediate colonization of Alpha Prime would be possible.
NC: (voiceover, as John): There I will join Kevin Costner to create a vortex of boredom.
Reporter: Now that the mission's been pushed up, how do your children feel about leaving the earth behind?
John: They couldn't be more excited.
(Cut to the Robinson home)
Penny (Lacey Chabert): This mission sucks!
(Cut to NC staring at camera in a 'well, duh" expression)
NC: Wah, wah, WAAAAAHHHHH!
NC: (voiceover): Thus we're introduced to the Robinson's daughter Penny, who I swear to God is on a helium diet.
Penny: For the last three years, I've missed everything. Training so I can spend the next ten years missing everything else!
NC: Good Lord, it's the missing Chipette! (Beat) Skanky.
Penny: I'm not staying home for dinner. (The footage begins speeding up so she sounds like a Chipette) I'm going out to see my friends. I'm going out to... (gets too fast to understand)
(As Penny's sped up dialogue continues and becomes more annoying, high-pitched and tinny, NC grimaces and pokes at his ear; the pain on his face becomes more intense until a popping sound is heard)
NC: Eh, I didn't need those eardrums, anyway.
NC (voiceover): She also talks into a small camera, which looks like Facebook and YouTube have joined their evil forces together.
Penny: Kidnapped, hurled into deep space against her will. Good thoughts for the mind of the daring space captive.
Will: Do they have a name for what's wrong with you?
NC: Yeah, the script.
NC: (voiceover) So we see our diabolical villain in this world of futuristic peace whose name is Dr. Smith, played by Gary I'm-Firing-My-Agent Oldman. He's hired to sabotage the Robinsons' mission.
Dr. Smith (Gary Oldman): It will cost you, and I'm afraid that my price has just become...astronomical. (He laughs before two musical tones sound and he turns around) Holograph off. (The sand surrounding him fades away to reveal a metallic room)
NC: (voiceover) Oh, hey, uh, quick question, feel free not to answer it if you want, but, uh, what the FUCK were you doing in the desert? I mean, I know it's a hologram but...why the desert? Can't they just talk in a freaking room? (The movie continues without referring back to the holographic room) Nothing? No explanation? OK, well, let's just listen to these people shout, giving the illusion that the plot is moving forward.
Commander: Our mission protocols are simple. Professor Robinson is in command, unless you encounter military emergency. In that case, Major West, you are in charge
NC: (voiceover) The plot gets then introduced to DR. Heather Graham, uh-huh, playing the character of Judy.
Dr. Judy: He's heavier than Mike. We'll have to re-calibrate.
West: I'm be happy to discuss my dimensions with you, Doctor. Say...over dinner?
Dr. Judy: I've read about you. You're a war hero, aren't you?
Dr. Judy: Who was it who said, 'Those who can't think, fight?' I think that it was me.
NC: (as West) Yeah, well, who was it who said... (punches camera)
West: Well, that's one cold fish I'd love to thaw, hmm.
Dr. Judy: (walks back over to West and John, speaks to John) I'm going to make it over to dinner tonight, Dad.
(Judy walks off before West and John look at each other)
NC: (isn't amused) WAH, WAH, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
NC: (voiceover) So Dr. Smith sneaks aboard and programs the robot to kill the Robinsons. Unfortunately, Wide-Angle Face here says he's no longer needed and programs the transmitter to knock him out. But that doesn't stop this happy mission, as the family gets on the Tron-inspired swimsuits and gets ready to launch from a giant Jiffy-pop.
West: Is there room in these tubes for two?
Dr. Judy: (shakes her head) There's barely enough for you and your ego, Major.
NC: (voiceover): Okay, how many times is he going to hit on Mr. Robinson's daughter when (zooms onto Mr. Robinson) he's right there!? I mean, that's her father AND your boss! Try to keep the appropriate raise you're looking for in your mind.
(The ship (known as Jupiter 2) takes off)
NC: (voiceover) So the ship launches as LeBlanc puts himself in deep sleep as well.
West: Ugh, I've never liked these freezing tubes. Bad dreams.
NC (voiceover): (as West) Ohh, Charlie's Angels! Ohh, Charlie's Angels 2! Oh, a crappy spinoff show that only lasted two seasons! D'ahh!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So Dr. Smith wakes up in the middle of the mission, but unfortunately, so does the robot.
Robot: (as Dr. Smith avoids it, grabbing for a gun) Fifteen hours into mission, destroy Robinson family. Fifteen hours into mission, destroy Robinson family.
NC: (as the Robot, waving arms mechanically) Announce mission objectives repeatedly! Announce mission objectives repeatedly!
Robot: Destroy all systems. Destroy Robinson family.
NC (voiceover): (as Maureen, while she and the rest of her family escape) Though I prefer coffee.
(John fires at the Robot while the place is on fire, yet the Robot doesn’t react too kindly)
Robot: That…was…a mistake.
NC (voiceover): (as the Robot) You get no continental breakfast!
Smith: (leaps onto the Robot’s back) Stop!
Robot: (swings around while Smith hangs on) Dest—deploy! Deploy! Deploy!
NC: (as the Robot, waving his arms mechanically) Continue hammy acting! Continue hammy acting!
Robot: Destroy! Destroy!
NC (voiceover): So our little boy Will takes over the robot, as it turns out Judy is stuck in the freezer tube.
Dr. Smith: I can save her life, but only if you give me word as an officer that you can spare mine.
NC (voiceover): So Dr. Smith tries to bring her back versus resisting the urge to cop a feel, as it turns out they have to go into hyperspace to avoid the sun’s gravitational pull.
West: If we can’t go around the sun, then we go straight through, using your hyperdrive.
John: We could be thrown anywhere in the galaxy.
West: Anywhere but here.
(John stands there silent, thinking over West’s suggestion)
NC (voiceover): (as John) DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...good point.
(The hyperdrive is engaged, sending Jupiter 2 into sudden acceleration into the sun; while the spaceship travels through, all the action inside freezes in mid-air)
Voices (from the J. Geil Band’s music video “Freeze Frame”): Freeze frame!
NC: Aw, great. They’re stuck in the not-yet-perfected Matrix effects.
(Cut to a quiet, empty star field)
NC (voiceover): Hello? Uh, hello, movie? (Beat) Um…green light?
(Space distorts and, in a sudden flash, Jupiter 2 appears)
NC: (reacts in surprise) Wow!
NC (voiceover): So they lock Dr. Smith away as they try to figure out where they are.
Maureen: What’s happened, John? Where are we?
(The whole group looks at a navigational holograph)
NC (voiceover): (as John) Okay, let’s recap. We got Dracula locked up in the brig, Joey from “Friends” is piloting, we have a chipmunk for a daughter, our other daughter is Roller Girl, and we haven’t even encountered the space monkey yet. Boy, we’re in a tight spot!
John: I don’t recognize a single system.
Penny: We’re lost. (Pauses) Aren’t we?
NC: Oh, just do Google Galaxies; they’ll pick the slowest route, but at least you’ll get there.
NC (voiceover): But they do come across something: a spaceship shaped like a garden hoe! So they gear up and take a look inside. They even bring the Doctor along, because they are afraid to leave him in a locked room, so they’d rather have him roaming free around armed weapons. (Beat) Idiots.
West: You’re coming with us.
Smith: Doubt if the question I’m a doctor, not a space explorer.
Doctor McCoy (from “Star Trek: TOS”): I’m a doctor, not a brick layer.
(As Smith gets up, West quickly draws a gun to aim at him)
West: Give me an excuse to kill you.
NC (voiceover): (as Smith) Well, I was in “Hannibal.”
West: Hmm. (puts down his gun)
NC (voiceover): So Will manages to control the robot as they put on their spacesuits—that look like suppositories—to see what they could find.
(At the Com, John views a computer screen that is green but contains static, and we see a figure speaking into it)
John: Captain’s log is degraded.
Jeb (the figure onscreen): I am not willing to give up. Don came looking for me.
NC: (as West, points to the camera) Hey, that’s my token black guy.
NC (voiceover): So it turns out they’re years in the future, as a rescue ship was sent out to look for them. They also come across plant life on the ship that has evolved over the years they have been gone. Geesh, this almost sounds intelligent. How about we put in something stupid and annoying?
(A creature the size of a small dog and appears as a lizard-like monkey with wide eyes comes out of some red bushes to attack Smith)
NC (voiceover): Meet our comedy relief, Blarp.
Judy: I think you’ve made a friend.
NC: It looks like…Jar Jar Binks' aborted fetus.
(Cut to John speaking to the group in the ship’s bridge)
John: I’ve tapped into the internal sensor array. There’s no animate life present. This ship is totally deserted.
(West plays around with a treat in front of Blarp, which the camera does wide close-ups on)
NC: (is disgusted) Ugh, stop showing me that! Is that really the best design they could come up with? A half-chewed Mickey Mouse eraser? Come on, guys! A jellyfish in a blender would look more appealing than that!
(Blarp reacts with a scream as it and the others see approaching silver disks that rise to stand on spider-like legs and have tiny mouths with razor sharp teeth)
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey! That must be the animate life you said was NOT on the ship! Oh, yeah! There’s no other life forms around here, except for the giant killer spiders that have razor sharp teeth and would eat anything with a brain cell, so you’re probably all safe.
Will: The controls are too slow. Activate holographic interface. (He goes to stand in a circle, causing a holographic robot to appear on him)
NC (voiceover): Hey-hey, it’s the Nintendo Wuss.
(Will uses the holographic robot to control one of the real robots that is in a different location, which moves and fires at the spider discs in time with Will’s movements)
NC: (as Will, mocking his movements) This’ll be great in the video game they’re never gonna make!
NC (voiceover): But Matt LeBlanc loads up and gets ready to kick some ass.
(West’s metal helmet rolls over his face as he aims to fire and before he runs away from the spider discs)
NC: (as West) I don’t need this. I have a couch I could be making crappy jokes on.
(One of the spider discs supposedly bites into Smith)
Smith: Ahh! Spider! Strike! (He strikes at the spider disc, destroying it)
NC (voiceover): So everybody gets to the ship and tries their best to fly away.
West: Never leave an enemy stronghold intact.
John: Major, stop.
West: That’s one of your father’s first rules of engagement.
John: That is a direct order.
West: (mutters to himself) I hate spiders.
(West hits a button; the panel light flashes “OVERLOAD” before we cut to Jupiter 2 angling away from the other ship, which explodes)
NC (voiceover): Nice. Millions of dollars and scientific development down the toilet. Why? (in a mocking sarcastic tone) Because LeBlanc hates spiders. (normal) So they crash land on a foreign planet as LeBlanc REALLY angers Mr. Robinson, raising his monotone whisper to a threatening dull roar!
West: I made a judgment call, and if I have to, I’ll make it again.
John: My family is on this ship, and you will follow my orders! Is that clear, Major?
West: (walks close to John and points to his face) Save your speeches. I like you.
NC: (confused) Did we just miss a line?
West: Save your speeches. I like you.
NC (voiceover): While that’s going on, Penny and that pile of Muppet feces really seem to hit it off. My guess is because they have the exact same speaking voice.
Penny: (speaks into her video recorder) After much deliberation, the space captive has finally decided to accept her new role as member with the crew. (Blarp is seen chittering and moving around in the background) The Robinsons can obviously use her help.
NC: (as Penny) Who knows when you might need someone with a vocal cord scraping?
NC (voiceover): And while THAT’s going on, we also have to build the romance between LeBlanc and Graham. Oh, yeah, character development. I-I just figured out I was lost in space, too.
West: When the sailors first circled the globe and saw a brand new sky, they thought they had sailed off the edge of the earth. (He starts drawing on moisture on a glass window, making dots and then connecting them to start forming an image) So those sailors found familiar shapes in the stars to make the sky seem more friendly, and so the constellations were born. Porky the wise and mighty pig. (He shows a crude drawing of Porky Pig on the glass)
NC (voiceover): (as Judy, who smiles) Really? Did you just come onto me with Porky Pig?
Judy: (draws Bugs Bunny on the glass as well) The great…big-eared bunny, Bugs.
NC (voiceover): (as West) Yeah. Which one’s that horny skunk that never gets any? I really connect with him.
West: We are the only single man and woman of consenting age in the galaxy.
Judy: Do you wish show me how you handle the helm?
Judy: Right here?
(They both come in close to each other before she pours a glass of water onto his head, and he backs up in reaction to it)
Judy: Why don’t you just hang onto your joystick?
NC: (frowns) WAHHHHH, WAHHHH, (takes a deep breath) WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NC (voiceover): So they try to figure out what could be causing all the strange anomalies on the planet they’re on. Young Will has an idea.
Will: What if the doorways aren’t natural?
John: No. This kind of phenomenon could only be produced naturally.
Will: No, that bubble’s exactly the kind of side effect I predict that my time machine will do.
Will: What if someone in this world has built a device—
John: Son, I appreciate your input, but now isn’t the time for flights of fancy.
Will: You never listen to me.
NC (voiceover): (as John, who raises his head) What?
Will: Not ever. (He leaves)
NC (voiceover): (as John) I-I totally blanked. What did he say?
Maureen: (to Will off-screen) Will…
NC (voiceover): So as LeBlanc and Hunt set out to explore this planet, Hurt delivers one of the most emotional heartfelt farewells that has ever been uttered in cinema. Prepare yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, to be totally entranced.
John: (in monotone, to Maureen) I love you, wife. (He kisses her as Richard Wagner's Tannhäuser Overture is played)
NC (voiceover): (gasps) My heart soars every time! The monotone, the excellent lack of human feeling, the way he just needed to refer to her by her name just as the role of wife!
NC: (sarcastically places the back of his right hand onto his forehead as though in swoon) I swoon every time!
John: I love you, wife. (He kisses Maureen, Wagner's music plays again)
(NC clutches his heart as though emotionally moved and then collapses face first onto his desk)
NC (voiceover): So they venture out into the anomaly and discover—Oh, God, this is stupid—a grownup version of Will from the future who has invented a time machine which is causing the planet’s anomaly. The rest of the family is dead, so he has a chance to make a reconnection with the past version of his father. This…maybe would have sufficed as a plot for another movie, but here, it’s just squeezed into the last 20 minutes. Real epic. Real rush-for-time epic.
Future Will: Look, Father, what my flights of fancy have wrought. I used your hyper engine to build my time machine.
NC: (as Future Will) True, it looks like a giant flaming testicle, but I think that just adds character.
John: The force of your time machine is ripping this planet apart. Its violent distortions in time are being caused by your experiment. What if it has the same effect on Earth?
Future Will: No. I’m going home.
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, this futuristic Will can build a time machine but can’t fathom the fact that it’s gonna kill everybody. Just how smart is this kid, anyway? Well, apparently not very smart, as the young Will back at the ship is coaxed into letting Dr. Smith out and bringing him along to find his dad.
NC: (brightly) Could he get any stupider? Well, watch.
Smith: Around every corner, the monsters wait. I know. I am one, and we must have no feeling devouring little boys. And to survive, you must be fully prepared to kill. Can you?
(Smith and Will continue sneaking around)
Smith: Give me the gun.
Will: (speaks into his gun) Enable gun for all users.
NC (voiceover): You LITTLE MORON!! HE JUST ADMITTED HE’S A MONSTER! NOW YOU’RE JUST GOING TO GIVE THE MONSTER THE GUN?! (Smith quickly takes the gun and turns around to face Will, aiming the gun at him) Yeah! Now you’re gonna die! Stupid! You’re a stupid little boy! HOW CAN YOU MAKE A TIME MACHINE?! I’M SURPRISED YOU CAN MAKE FUCKING BEANS! So Smith and Will make it to the device, but suddenly, Smith is confronted by his own future self.
Spider Smith: (approaches Dr. Smith) Hello, Doctor. How nice to see you again after all these years. The spider’s sting had some unexpected side effects. (He grabs and lifts Dr. Smith to move him around) Your crude ambition fills me with self-loathing.
NC (voiceover): Yes, one of the spider bites turned Smith into a monster, so what does he do? Kill himself by…killing himself. (Beat) Confusing. If he killed himself, how could he live into the future to do that in the first place…God, who cares? Let’s see what happens when the future version of the Robot is ordered to kill Young Will.
Will: Do you remember what I taught you? About friendship?
Future Robot: Logic error. Friendship does not compute.
Will: Just forget logic! Act with your heart!
NC: (covers his face with both hands) Oh, my God, he didn’t just say that.
Future Robot: Robot has no heart. Robot is powered by a fusion pulse generator.
Will: Every living thing has a heart.
Tin Man (from “The Wizard of Oz”): Now I know I’ve got a heart, ‘cause it’s breaking.
Will: If you don’t let us go, we’re all going to die. So I’m asking you now: will you be my friend?
NC: (as the Future Robot, moving his arms mechanically) This scene is too clichéd! This scene is too clichéd!
Future Robot: Robot attempting to deactivate control bolt.
Will: Come on, Robot!
Future Robot: Commands overridden!
Will: You can do it!
NC: This robot has the logic of a Hallmark card!
Future Robot: Destroy! Destroy! Destroy Robinson family! (It succeeds in removing the bolt) Robot will save the Robinsons. Robot will save his friend.
NC: (as the Future Robot) Robot will participate in Care Bear-inspired shit.
NC (voiceover): So they find the original Dr. Smith and save his life—Why? I don’t know, he’s the bad guy, obviously, but there you go—they save his life and get back on the ship. Hurt goes to stop the time machine, but the Future Dr. Smith has other plans.
Spider Smith: (speaks to Future Will while removing his robe to reveal his spider-like body and grabbing onto him) Did you really think that I let all that I have become matter? Within these exits grow the seeds of a master race of spiders, which shall descend upon this earth, an entire planet to rule. An entire planet on which to feed!
NC (voiceover): So you heard right. The evil Dr. Smith wants to—what else?—take over the world.
M. Bison (from “Street Fighter”): Of course!
NC: (voiceover): But Hurt comes in to destroy the evil monster.
Spider Smith: (after being struck in the face by John and speaks sarcastically) Oh, the pain. The pain.
NC (voiceover): Okay, did this guy go to the Psychlo School of Acting?
Terl (played by Spoony): Fool! While you were still learning how to SPELL your name, I was being trained to CONQUER GALA—! (An explosion occurs, causing the screen to go white)
NC (voiceover): He (John) finally kills [Spider] Dr. Smith, but unfortunately, the ship with his family is destroyed by the debris of the planet.
(Jupiter 2 explodes in the sky as John witnesses the scene, wincing at the sight of it as the musical score crescendos dramatically)
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Look at that. He’s so dull, that the music has to do the acting for him. Well, gee, if only they had a time machine to go back to—(sputters in confusion) Wait a minute!
Future Will: A long time ago, you told a small boy that one day, he’d understand how much his father loved him. I could never see how much you cared.
NC (voiceover): (as John) I’m sorry, what?
Future Will: Until now.
NC (voiceover): So he sends his father back just a few minutes before the family is destroyed. This way, he can save them properly.
Future Will: (shouts through the time portal where the whole family looks up to) Dad! It worked! Whoo!
John: Come with us!
Future Will: Only enough power for one person, one trip, remember?
Future Will: Good to see you again, Mom!
(The time portal begins to close in on itself)
NC (voiceover): (as Future Will, speaks quickly) By the way, just a quick heads up, Dr. Smith was bitten by a spider and he’s going to turn into a mutant and probably try to kill you all! (The time portal has disappeared) Ah, do it with what you will. Goodbye!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So they fly the giant electric razor through the planet, which is…odd. Hurt could have just told them move a little to the right to avoid the debris, but what does it matter? They make it out before the planet explodes.
(Jupiter 2 flies away from the exploding planet with its debris floating in space)
Han Solo (from “Star Wars”): Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!
Judy: (grabs at West’s cheeks) This one is on credit. (She kisses him)
(The rest of the group looks on in awe before we hear the chittering of Blarp, who hops in)
Penny: There you are.
NC (voiceover): Oh, hey, you were totally pointless. So they use their hyper speed to blast off once more as the seizure-inducing credits play us out. (Beat) Heinous!
NC: This movie is horrible, one of the worst. I mean, how could a movie have this much money behind it and be this bad? I mean…this bad!
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): It’s right up there with Batman & Robin. I mean, the lamest factor is just off the charts. The plot is all over the map, the lines are terrible, the characters are cardboard devices, it just sucks! It’s lost in space, and it also sucks in space!
NC: In fact, if I had a time machine to go back in time and not watch this movie, you bet your ass I would take—
(A time portal opens to NC’s left, revealing Spider Dr. Smith (played by NC))
Spider Smith: Did somebody say “time machine”?!
NC: Oh, hey, forget it, Dr. Smith! Shit Family Robinson might fall for your tricks, but not me!
Spider Smith: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m a sweet, caring person who only wants to do good for mankind! (cackles maniacally)
NC: How could anyone be stupid enough to trust you?! I mean, you’re a friggin’ spider! (Beat) A spider!!
Spider Smith: Well, that seems hardly fair…
NC: Even before that, your acting was so over-the-top, all that was missing was a top hat and a moustache to twirl!
Spider Smith: It’s true that what you see is pretty much what you get, but I can be a very persuasive person!
Spider Smith: For example, there are many dangerous monsters in this world, and I’m one of them!
NC: You are?
Spider Smith: Yes. Now give me your gun.
NC: Oh, certainly! Here you go. (He hands Smith his pistol)
Spider Smith: Thank you! (He loads a round, then shoots NC, dropping him to his desk) I’m Dr. Smith! I remember it because I’m evil! (laughs maniacally) You’re doomed! DOOMED! (laughs some more as the “THE END” title card is shown) Oh, my!
Channel Awesome Tagline—John: I love you, wife.