And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Maleficent."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(Singing) I know-- Spoiler!
There's this girl called Maleficent.
And she looks Tweety Bird if he was swallowed and shit out by "Pan's Labyrinth."
And she comes across a Scottish boy!
I was a Scottish boy once!
Until I abused the responsibilities of the kilt.
So they grow up together for years and years and fall in love.
Until one day he decides that he's evil.
And Maleficent is like, "But we fell in love and we got along so well together!"
"Nah, nah, I'm just evil."
"But perhaps we can compromise and our kingdoms can come together!"
"Nope, nope, just evil."
"You know, politically this makes no sense. My kingdom has a ton of treasures and we just have to form a treaty and maybe--"
"E to the vil, now give me your wings."
"So I can convince the king that I killed you so I can be king."
"But again, couldn't we talk about a way to maybe trick the king and we can work something out--"
(Mimes holding bottle) "Drink this."
"Ooh! *drinks* How poison-y!" (falls)
So the Scottish guy is now king and that really pisses Maleficent off.
So she decides she needs a new set of wings, so she turns this crow into a human!
(Mimes flying crow) "Caw! Caw! *is turned human* Why did you turn me into a human?"
"I need someone else to be my wings."
"But don't you rule all of the fairies now?"
"And don't they have wings?"
"I need a good-looking young man to have his shirt open for the ladies."
"Oh, the 'Twilight' effect!"
So years go by and the Scottish king gives birth to a daughter.
Not him literally, though his voice is high-pitched enough I can see the confusion.
And Maleficent is like, "At age 16, the child should die by pricking her finger on a spinning wheel!"
"Why a spinning wheel?"
"A spinning wheel killed my parents."
"Well, it is a Disney film. Anyone who's a parent will be dead in a second."
"Maleficent out!" (leaves)
So the king is like, "You three fairies must take my daughter away and hide her for 16 years!"
"Wait! Couldn't she just stay with you and then we hide her 16 years later?"
"No no, it's safer this way."
"But didn't she also say true love's kiss will wake her up, so maybe if we just have her fall in love with somebody over those 16 years--"
"You all are crazy! This is the most sensible plan! Now, get going you three fairies who have never taken care of a baby before and don't even know how to feed them!" (leaves)
"Right! Babies bounce, don't they?" (leaves)
So the fairies take the baby to a cottage where Maleficent finds them right away.
Boy, this is gonna be a short movie.
And Maleficent ends up raising her more than the fairies do!
Which is...kinda counterproductive.
It's kinda like Ronald McDonald befriending a cow who's gonna be in a Happy Meal in a minute.
So 16 years pass and the baby grows up into one of the Fanning girls.
The not creepy one. Sort of.
And she thinks Maleficent is her fairy godmother!
Wrong movie, honey. That one they're going to destroy in March.
But Maleficent likes the girl so much that she decides to take away the curse!
"I take away the curse!"
But it turns out it's irreversable.
"Oh no, I forgot to read the fine magic print!"
So Aurora pricks her finger and falls asleep.
But Maleficent brings the boy she fell in love with the other day!
And the boy is like, "Is kissing really going to wake her up, or are we gonna rip off 'Frozen' and have a woman's love do it?"
"Oh, you mean that money-making film that's making us millions and millions of dollars even now--"
"Right, you answered my question."
So Maleficent kisses her on the head and wakes her up.
But sadly they forgot the king is still evil!
So he surrounds her with iron as that's the only thing that can burn a fairy.
Which, knowing that, this war should've been over in two seconds.
But Aurora gives Maleficent her wings back--
Which kind of makes you wonder why she didn't do that before. She's been in the castle like two or three times.
--and she kinda sorta kills the king.
"Am I kinda sorta killing you?"
"I don't know. I'm kinda sorta killing myself."
"Well, then I guess is kinda sorta is morally sound."
"Daahhh!" (is thrown offscreen)
So Maleficent is now good again, Aurora rules her kingdom or the other people's kingdom or both. They don't really clarify...
But she gets to wear a pretty crown!
And the movie reminds us that the prince was in the movie!
(Like the Rhino, walking by and waving) "I'm in the movie!"
So, okay, the movie made like no sense whatsoever.
But I liked it so much 'cause it had fairies and frogs and all sorts of weird-looking creatures...
And that's what I see every day!
Isn't that right, Galorp? (mimes putting arm around someone, long pause) Racist!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I promise Galorp won't say anything more racist! Galorp, did you just say the q-word?!