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Marvel Team-up #74
Original Air date
June 4, 2012
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[We open with Linkara in his reviewing room on his green futon, he looks confused]

Linkara: Spider-man and the cast of Saturday Night Live…what?

[We then cut to the show’s into and theme. Afterward, we cut to the title card, then back to Linkara]

Linkara: Okay, this one requires some explanation, but, unfortunately there’s not much to give.

Linkara [v/o]: According Jim Shooter, then editor-in-chief of Marvel, the idea for this team-up originated with Chris Claremont, the writer responsible for brining X-men back into prominence in the 70s and 80s. But yeah, that was it. He apparently suggested it out of the blue and boom: Marvel was negotiation with the Saturday Night Live production crew for the legal rights to this. In the unlikely event that there are people out there who don’t know what this is, Saturday Night Live is a long-running sketch comedy show that’s…well, done live and on Saturday nights. Sometimes, the comedy can be hit or miss with the biggest problem being that a sketch will run much longer than it should. I get that they’re trying to fill an hour and a half worth of material and come up with new stuff every week in a very short amount of time, but the sad truth is that sometimes they just don’t bring the funny. However, there is a lot to like about the and some of its best sketches have stood the test of time and even continue to this day, like “Weekend Update,” which pretty much just straight-up riffs on news and current events. If I had to pick a favorite recurring sketch on Saturday Night Live, it would be Celebrity Jeopardy.

[Cut to the Celebrity Jeopardy SNL sketch.]

Sean Connery/Darrell Hammond: Then the day is mine!

Linkara [v/o]: Though, even the glory Darrell Hammond’s Sean Connery impression can get grating when the writers seem to forget that he can tell more jokes beyond “Sean Connery saying that he slept with Alex Trabek’s mother.” Still, Tom Hanks playing himself on it was hilarious.

Alex Trebek/Will Ferrell: Pick a category!

Tom Hanks: [Leans towards the microphone] Uh, I’ll take 600. [Laugh track]

Alex Trebek/Will Ferrell: In what category?

Tom Hanks: [Leans towards the microphone] The…uh…video daily double. [Laugh track]

Alex Trebek/Will Ferrel: I had such high hopes for you.

Linkara [v/o]: This particular crossover came out in 1978, a mere 3 years into Saturday Night Live’s tenure and at the time, at least, the performers were called “The Now-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players,” hence the title of the team up. [“Spider-man and The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players!”]

Linkara: Damn it, why couldn’t they have held off on this crossover for a few more years, then we could have had Joel Hodgson meeting Spider-man!

  • Joel Hodgson only appeared 4 times on SNL as a guest act in the early 80sbefore creating “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”

    Linkara [v/o]: I don’t know if the cast are still called “The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players,” since, unfortunately, I don’t really watch the show anymore, unless something ends up op on Hulu or I’m linked to anything like that. But yeah, this comic exists!

·      They’re not called “The Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players” anymore, just the Saturday Night Live Cast Members.

Linkara: [Holds up comic] So let’s dig into Marvel Team-Up #74 and [Close up on Linkara] LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

[Cut to the beginning of the intro and 90s theme for Saturday Night Live. Before we hear anyone talk, Linkara moves the clip aside]

Linkara: Yeah, that bit is over. This is recorded, it’s Minnesota, and it’s Monday afternoon.

Linkara [v/o]: The problem with having the name “Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players” is that along with the Spider-man name, they had to list off every member of the main SNL crew [Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Laraine Nweman, and Gilda Radner] Meaning, a full 3rd of the cover is nothing but text. The remaining 3rd is Spider-man swinging over the Saturday Night Live cast, most prominently, John Belushi playing his character Samurai Futaba from the show.

Spider-man: [From the cover] Belushi! No! That samurai’s for real!

Linkara [v/o]: And [John] Belushi responds with these characters, they kind of look like kanji, but I’m no expert. What I do know is that if that’s an actual thing he’s saying, then that’s just confusing, since the character in the sketch never actually spoke Japanese, just random gibberish pretending it was Japanese.

Text at the top of the cover: Still on 35 cents!

Linkara: I’d make a joke about how expensive comics are getting these days, but frankly, I still feel ashamed that I paid any money on Cry for Justice.

Linkara [v/o]: We open on a rainstorm in New York, where a samurai like figure is silhouetted in the sky. Hey, a Spider-man story that doesn’t open with him swinging around, what new spore of madness is this?

Text box: It was the best of days, it was the worst of days…

Text box/Linkara: It was the best rehashing of the opening lines of “A Tale of Two Cities,” it was the worst rehashing of the opening lines of “A Tale of Two Cities.”

Text Box: After a year of waiting, the tickets had finally arrived—

Text box/Linkara: Unfortunately, they were for the show that premiered a year ago, thus it was kind of pointless that they arrived.

Linkara [v/o]: Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, 9 years before their marriage, are going to be part of the audience for that evening’s Saturday Night Live. MJ worried about not getting good seats, but Peter reassures her that a friend told him that they still let people in late.

Usher: We’re sorry, folks! The stage seats are filled, you’ll have to go up to the balcony!

Mary Jane Watson: Some friend, Petey-king.

Linkara: Ok, the seats aren’t going to be great, but at least you still get to be part of the audience. Live with it!

Linkara [v/o]: The 2 are interrupted when a man shoves them aside, proclaiming he’s in a hurry. However, Peter’s Spider-sense goes nuts near the guy and he thinks the voice is familiar. He wants to go investigate, but since this is before Mary Jane found out he was Spider-man, he also doesn’t want to separate from her. They are distracted briefly though when they spot the late, great Gilda Radner down a hallway. Just to comment on the art by the way, is it just me or is Gilda Radner drawn in this panel like she’s troll face. She hears noises coming from John Belushi’s dressing room and goes to investigate, where we see other members of the cast gathered around him.

Gilda Radner: What’s going on, Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Not much, Mr. Nimble-Fingers here [John Belushi] was trying on a ring, and now it’s stuck.

Green Lantern Ring/Linkara: JOHN BELUSHI, YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO OVERCOME GREAT FEAR. WELCOME TO THE GREEN LANTERN COPRS!

Linkara [v/o]: He [John Belushi] explains that the ring arrived in his fan mail from somewhere in Japan, but despite the fact that the ring slipped on without any trouble, it won’t come off. Naturally, he can’t possibly do the show with a ring on because…I don’t know, rings make it impossible for him to do comedy [?] He has the other cast members try to all pull it off at once without success. SNL’s producer, Lorne Michaels, comes in and tells them to forget about it because they’ve got a show to do.

Text box: Lorne Michaels led his troupe of hearty thespians out to their waiting audience…

Linkara: Oh yes, truly the cast of Saturday Night Live are the most [Fancy voice] dramatic of actors!

[Cut to another SNL Celebrity Jeopardy sketch.]

Sean Connery/Darrel Hammond: That says “Anal bum cover!”

Linkara: [Normal voice] Oh, I kid, I love that bit! Though, I would remind you that Saturday Night Live writing is responsible for the character of Amber, the one legged hypoglycemic reality show contestant [played by Amy Poehler] and the movie “It’s Pat!”

Linkara [v/o]: The guy who pushed past Peter and MJ earlier goes into a storage room and announces that the people inside of it can show themselves. And thus we see a crap ton of people emerging from boxes and trunks, and it’s mot like we’re talking one or two guys here, check out this pane. There have to be at least a dozen goons who all managed to slip into the one storage room! These guys are beefy too, it must have been uncomfortable as hell in some of those boxes. I don’t think there are any air holes in those things. The lead guy says that the ring was sent to an SNL cast member by mistake and they have to retrieve it. He reveals himself as The Silver Samurai, a mutant, who at this time was a villain, particularly towards Wolverine, The X-men, and Daredevil. He actually did reform at one point from what I’ve read, but he’s also apparently dead now; comics are confusing.

Silver Samurai: This assignment calls for subtlety as much as brute force.

Linkara [v/o]: And that’s why he’s very subtly putting on the bright silver armor that makes him stand out even more than the collection of 1920s gangsters he has apparently hired as his goons. Seriously, were they all wearing those trench coats and fedoras in the boxes too? Man, they must be hot as hell. As with every episode of Saturday Night Live, except for one season, Don Pardo announces, the guest host and the musical guest.   

  • In 2014, Don Pardo passed away. His successor as SNL Announcer was former SNL cast member, Darrell Hammond.

    Don Pardo: Starring, Stan “The Man” Lee!! With Stan’s special musical guest, Rick Jones…

Linkara: Stan Lee is the host and yet Night Cat isn’t the musical guest? I guess I’ll be flipping channels during the music segments.

Don Padro: …And the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time-Players: Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner!

Linkara [v/o]: So, I haven’t watched any full episodes from this era, but was it a thing in the early years to have the entire cast on stage along with the guests while Don Pardo was introducing everyone? [From the episodes I’ve seen, no, just guest host unless more cast is needed for a gag.] Anyway, Peter and MJ arrive in their balcony seats. In an amusing little nod, human versions of Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show are in the audience too, unfortunately, they’re not as funny as the Muppet versions.

Comic Waldorf: Will you two kindly sit down! Statler and I came here to see the show!

Comic Statler: That’s tellin’ em, Waldorf, you old coot!

[Cut to The Muppet Show]

Waldorf: What’d you think of that?

Statler: I liked it!

Waldorf: [Shocked] Ohh! You…? Uh! [Hits his head on the balcony railing.] You liked that?!?!

Statler: No, I just wanted to see what you’d do if I said I did.

Linkara: Little trivia note about this: Bob Hall, the penciler for the comic, never watched The Muppet Show and this was in the days before the internet or the larger market of shows on tape, so he didn’t know what Statler and Waldorf looked like. They had to be described to him and to avoid getting them exactly wrong, they were drawn mostly from the back.

Linkara [v/o]: Mind you, he still kind of screwed up Statler, who is also supposed to be bald and doesn’t have a mustache, but whatever.

[Cut back to The Muppet Show]

Waldorf: Oh, that puppet looks so alive!

Statler: Well, that’s more than I can say for you! [Laughs]

Linkara [v/o]: Actually, one more note about this: the 1st two seasons [Mostly season 1 and one episode of season 2] of Saturday Night Live actually did have Muppet sketches on the show, which were apparently not unpopular with viewers, but the writers absolutely hate doing them. Then head writer, Michael O’Donoghue, apparently had a lynched Big Bird hanging in his office, how pleasant. Anyway, Stan Lee.

Stan Lee: Hiya, true believers! I can’t tell you how pleased I am to be hosting ‘Saturday Night.’ For those of you who’ve been living in Siberia the last yew years…

Linkara; So, exiled coomunists?

Stan Lee: …I’m the guy who runs Marvel Comics. Now, a lot of people think that’s really neat.

Stan Lee/Linkara: I just long for the day when {getting depressed] I can finally stop saying the same catchphrases over and over and over again! OH GOD, WHY WON”T MARVEL JUST LET ME STOP?!?! [Sobs] Excelsior!

Guy In Control Booth’s Thought Bubble: Not bad. No Steve Martin, but not bad.

Linkara: “Not Bad?” He [Stan Lee] said all of 4 sentences and not one of them was an actual joke. “No Stever Martin” Hell, He’s no Chris Kattan! Kattan would’ve actually tried to say something funny!

Linkara [v/o]: In the booth, the goon grabs the guy who was thinking a second ago and Peter’s spider-sense goes off again. He excuses himself from Mary Jane. Anyway, despite the show breaking for commercial. Stan Lee is still on stage under a light as if he’s still giving the opening monologue. After Peter almost drops his shoe on him while changing into his costume, we cut to the control room, where the goons have taken full control and are forcing Lorne Michaels to run the board by himself.

Goon: Stay cool, Mr. Michaels an’ stay alive.

Goon/Linkara: [Holding a gun] Now, my friend here is gonna tell you about this little idea we have called “Laser Cats!”

Linkara [v/o]: Spidey apparently can’t see very well inside the doors window, so he can’t tell that there are guys with guns and another one tied up in the corner, even though I’m pretty sure you could tell from that angle. But his Spider-sense is still tingling, so he continues to investigate. Meanwhile, John Belushi complains some more about “getting the ring off” to Bill Murray, but Bill has to go off to give a prop Mjolnir to Garrett Morris for a Thor sketch. On the way, however, he spots the Silver Samurai directing his goons to search for the ring. Realizing, he can’t warn John or the stage crew fast enough, he uses the prop hammer, which is made of hard rubber, to knock out a goon and steal their jacket and hat in the hopes of impersonation them. We cut back to the studio, where Weekend Update is starting up, surprisingly early in the episode. They, of course, don’t know where Bill Murrary is, so in the meantime, Jane Curtin does her half of the presentation along with Gilda Radner doing her Emily Litella character. For those who don’t know, Emily Litella basically does news editorials about things she mishears people complaining about. Seriously, look up her bit about violins on television. The bit in the comic is legitimately funny and it’s refreshing to read actual humor in a comic after having read through 2 issues of Marville’s painful attempts at it. However, the bit is interrupted when Gilda Radner suddenly drops through the floor, Jane Curtin following soon afterwards. We see that the Silver Samurai cut 2 large holes for the women to fall down, Looney Tunes style, and there in the floor below. Looks like a pretty thin floor, by the way, and how do they know exactly where sitting in relation to where they were underneath? The goons search the 2 for the ring, but of course fail to find it.

Linkara: So, here’s a stupid question, why didn’t you wait until the after-party to do this? You’ve got a crap ton of people in the audience and in the crew, who still out number you and they can be witnesses if they spot you!

Linkara [v/o]: Hell, they’re going through the trouble of taking them while they’re on camera, meaning a bunch of stage crew are all going to come up and investigate! Spider-man swings in and knocks the goons away. The Silver Samurai says he doesn’t have to deal with the wall crawler and cuts open a pipe that releases a bunch of high-pressure steam, creating a fog that obscures his escape. Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin attack another goon, but it turns out to be Bill Murray.

Bill Murray: Wait a minute, will ya! I’m Bill Murray! I’m no crook, I’m an actor!*

Linkara [v/o]: This is hopefully supplemented by a caption box.

Caption Box: *There’s a difference?

[Cut to an SNL sketch where Fred Armisen is dressed like a drummer for a lounge band. He does a rim shot on a drum set.]

Linkara [v/o]: Bill Murray explains what he’s found out and suggests that they call the cops.

Spider-man: Waste of time. The phones are out.

Linkara: How the hell do you know that? Is there a scene missing?

Spider-man: Your security people are the samurai’s prisoners, and his men have all the stairs and elevators covered. If we’re going to stop him, we’ll have to do it by ourselves.

Linkara: It’s not like he’s taken the whole building, have Spidey knock out the guards at the stairs or elevators and have someone run to another floor and try calling from there. Hell, you’re in New York in the 70s! Run outside and use a payphone!

Spider-man: First things first, though. Let’s get Jane Gilda back on stage back onstage…before people start asking questions we don’t want to answer.

Linkara [v/o]: It’s been at least 5 minutes, I think someone’s noticed by now! Were the camera crews just staring at an empty set for the rest of the sketch’s runtime? How are they not used to this kind of thing? This show is the very definition of “we’ll do it live!” So yeah, creating some kind of web pulley, Spidey lifts the 2 back up to the set where the camera is indeed still staring at where they were, simply brilliant. Backstage, Laraine Newman is getting dressed as the super heroine, Miss Marvel, for a sketch. 2 goons storm into her room and mistake her for the real Miss Marvel, I see the Silver Samurai didn’t exactly spring for the brightest henchmen. Spidey arrives and fights them off with the other cast members, save for John Belushi, arriving. Spider-man explains the situation to them, but John Belushi is supposed to be on stage at the moment, so they can’t get to him.

Dan Aykroyd: Garrett [Morris] has a point. If they start shooting and the audience panics…

Linkara: So, is the entire stage crew ignorant of what’s going on? You’d think they’d be suspicious by now.

Linkara [v/o]: Spider-man suggests however that if the goons are afraid of New York-based superheroes, they can use that to their advantage. On a catwalk above, 3 goons are confronted by Thor,…played by Garret Morris [?] Garret Morris is a black guy. In fact, the crooks all point out that something’s weird because he’s not a white guy.

Garret Morris’ Thought Bubble: Oops! Great idea fir a skit, Dan, but really lousy when you’re trying to bluff a crook.

Linkara: Was that just it for the skit idea they had? Black Thor?

Linkara [v/o]: People have asked me recently about the subject of changing a character’s race or orientation or something like that for the comics or the movies. Now, before anyone gets into an argument about this, I honestly don’t really have any opinions about stuff like this. Yes, I know about Miles Morales being the new Spider-man in the Ultimate universe. But the thing is, I don’t care about it, I don’t care about the ultimate universe! Likewise, I don’t care if Alan Scott in the Earth-2 comics is gay; it’s frankly a completely different character than the one I did a part of Secret Origins Month on, who just happens to share his name and powers. This is not a quote-unquote issue that I have any opinion on. However, what I’m getting at here is that they’re making it clear in this comic that this does take place in the Marvel Universe [Earth-616], there are real superheroes running around, Thor is a real person in this comic’s universe. I don’t recall Tim Meadows being the guy they called on to play Bill Clinton, is what I’m saying. It’s just…weird, well, unless it’s Dave Chapelle doing black [George W.] Bush, but that wasn’t Saturday Night Live [It was The Chappelle Show]. Anyway, in the distraction, Gilda Radner and Bill Murray use live electrical wires on the metal grading of the catwalk, electrocuting the goons. Garrett Morris is saved by the rubber boots of his Thor costume; so what protected Gilda and Bill? They’re clearly on the catwalk with them. Meanwhile, Dan Aykroyd is dressed up like a stereotypical Russian dancer, while also wearing bandoliers.

[Cut back to The Muppet Show.]

Statler: I think that number raises a pertinent question.

Waldorf: What’s that?

Statler: Why did they do it?

[They laugh]

Linkara [v/o]: Even Spidey is questioning this.

Spider-man: Are these costumes really necessary, Mr. Aykroyd?

Dan Aykroyd: Call me Dan. And that’s a heckuva question coming from you, Spidey.

Linkara: Dan Aykroyd trying to get people to wear his costumes? [Shrugs] I actually shouldn’t be surprised, really.

[Cut to an SNL sketch where Dan Aykroyd is playing sleazy businessman, Irwin Mainway, in an interview, being interviewed by Jane Curtin. The Interview is about the dangerous Halloween costumes his company sells. He holds up a bag for the costume “Invisible Pedestrian,”]

Irwin Mainway/Dan Aykroyd: You know, this is a side walk costume.

Jane Curtin: “A sidewalk costume?”

Irwin Mainway/Dan Aykroyd: Yeah! I mean, y’know, we don’t recommend it for blind kids. I mean, see, there’s a warning on the label. “Invisible Pedestrian. Not for blind kids.”

[Cut back to the comic]

Dan Aykroyd: Our best bet is to hit ‘em with the unexpected—So many zany things happening so fast they won’t know which end is up. By the time they’ve recovered, it’ll be all over.

Linkara:  It’s not often that I encounter a story where being zany is the actual, serious plan of the heroes.

Linkara [v/o]:  In the meantime, John Belushi has dressed up in his samurai costume, which is probably colored green instead of the usual grey, because The Silver Samurai comes around the corner and spots him.

Silver Samurai: Bu my ancestors, is nothing sacred/! You dare mock the samurai, American?!

John Belushi/Linkara: Oh, no, no, of course not. [Nervous laughs] Rangers together, Samurai forever?

Linkara [v/o]: He [The Silver Samurai] then spots that Belushi is wearing the ring and attacks. In the control booth, the goons are confused by the sight of Stan Lee and Jane Curtin doing a [can hardly believe it himself] “Soft-shoe shuffle,” huh. I just got to wonder what the hell the audience thinks of all this.

[Cut back to The Muppet Show]

Statler: I now realize television has one major advantage over a live stage show.

Waldorf: Oh, what that?

Statler: A televsion, you can turn off!

[They Laugh]

Linkara [v/o]: Actually, here’s a legitimate question: with all the cast members indisposed by the crap going on behind the scenes, has Stan Lee been forced to carry the entire show until now? John Belushi, chased by The Silver Samurai, runs of stage. Before the goons in the booth can react to this, Laraine Newman and Dan Aykroyd rush in with fire extinguishers that blind the goons and allow them to steal their guns. However, Lorne Michaels got blasted too.

Lorne Michaels: Aykroyd, you—you--!!

Dan Aykroyd: No need to say thanks, Lorne. It’s all in a day’s work.

Lorne Michaels’ Thought Bubble: For this I left Canada?? Lord, you have no sense of Justice.

Lorne Michaels/Linkara: [Groans] Just 2 more years, Lorne, just 2 more years.

Linkara: My thanks to the 3 people who get that joke.

  • In 1980, Lorne Michaels took a 5 year break from the show.

    Linkara [v/o]: Oh, and Lorne Michaels is also the only guy smart enough to TELL THEM TO CALL THE COPS! Back in the audience…

Mary Jane Watson: [To the man sitting near her, Ken Morrow] Great show, huh?

Ken Morrow: Yup.

Ken Morrow/Linkara: I especially loved how half the sketches are falling apart and another one has Stan Lee dancing inexplicably with Jane Curtin. Truly, this is the best of Saturday Night Live.

Linkara [v/o]: Anyway, while Mary Jane gets hit on, Spidey engages The Silver Samurai, but gets knocked away pretty easily. Belushi tries to fight the samurai head on, but the samurai grabs the ring from him and a kick by Spidey finally gets the ring off Belushi’s finger. With the ring in his possession, The Silver Samurai teleports away.

Linkara: [Sarcastic] Wow, good team-up guys, the villain got what he wanted and he escaped! [Thumbs up!]

Text Box: The show’s almost over, then. And as the cast moves center stage for their final bows—before an audience ret-

Linkara [v/o]: That grammar’s way off.

Text Box: Before an audience rising in a standing ovation for what they thought was a magnificent slapstick show—

Linkara [v/o]: Oh, yeah, “A magnificent slapstick show” that also had dancing and a sword fight and Spider-man and half the sketches didn’t happen because of electrocutions and characters being missing. Spidey changes back to Peter Parker and meets back up with MJ, who’s put off by the guy who was hitting on her earlier [Ken Morrow], for some reason. And so, our comic ends with John Belushi talking to Garrett Morris about how the ring was supposed to some other guy in the building with a similar name [J.B. Lu-shi], but the rain ruined the ink on the label and so the mailman just guessed that it went to him instead…and it ends on a bad joke as Belushi somehow has some of Spider-man’s webbing, isn’t that supposed to disintegrate after an hour or so [it does indeed disintegrate after an hour]? And says that he wonders what they’ll do for…the spin-off!

Linkara: [Raises up comic] This comic sucks, but I really kind of feel bad about saying that.

Linkara [v/o]: Most people who have read it these days seem to think it’s pretty decent and if you hold that opinion, that’s fine. The strongest thing I can say in its favor is that has a pretty good amount of action and unlike a certain other Marvel team-up issue I’ve reviewed, Spidey does at least interact with the SNL cast a lot. Where it fails is that for a team-up with a bunch of comedians, it’s not very funny. I that there are bits that are meant to be funny, but they really aren’t. The funniest it gets is Gilda Radner doing Emily Litella, otherwise it’s just the cast of the show fighting off goons and occasionally saying something that’s probably supposed to be a joke, but really isn’t. Jim Shooter wrote in his blog that John Belushi read the issue after it came out and loved it, asking to come and see the Marvel offices. When he was there, he revealed he was actually a huge Marvel Comics fan and could identify all the plots of all the covers that were hung up in the offices. He invited the creative team of the book to attend the opening night party of the movie “Animal House” and a few of them were even there, Belushi introducing them to everybody, including some of the other SNL cast members. As a result of all this, Belushi was given comp copies of every Marvel comic published until his tragic death 1982 from an accidental drug overdose.

Linkara: Still, this opens the door for other bizarre crossovers between late-night personalities and superheroes. Heck, why don’t we have David letterman meet the Avengers? [Quickly cut to said issue] Yeah, that exits. I have it. But, we’ll save it fro another time.

[He tosses the comic onto the futon and leaves the room as we cut to the end credits. After the credits, we cut to the main living room.]

Linkara: Ok, please tell me you guys have made some progress.

Harvey Finevoice: [Holding a sonic screwdriver and a TOS tricorder] Well kid, here’s the thing, all the tools you gave us to try to fix your magic piece [The magic gun], noe of it’s working.

Linkara: What?! Let me see that! [He grabs the sonic screwdriver from Harvey and examines it. He pulls it in half and realizes…] It’s a toy.

Harvey: Eh?

Linkara: [Upset] It’s…it’s just a toy again!

Pollo [[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock|In his Tom Servo body]]]: Yeah, I was just going to ask about that, none of this stuff seems to be the real things that you use.

Linkara: Pollo, [puts the sonic screwdriver away and pulls out his zeonizer] scan this!

[Pollo Looks at the zeonizer and a few beeps and boops are heard, he turns back to Linkara]

Pollo: Just plastic and paint, but isn’t this your zeonizer?

Linkara: It is.

Harvey: Kid, what’s the lowdown? I see you use this crap all the time, it works!

Linkara: It’s supposed to! [He grabs a small, leather-bound book from the book shelf and reads it while holding the sonic screwdriver.] Sindramini! [He gets confused when nothing happens.]

Harvey: Kid, what the hell are you doing?

Linkara: That…that should’ve at least created a spark or something!

Pollo: I don’t understand.

Linkara: Haven’t you guys ever wondered how I have all this working technology from, like, Pokemon and Star Trek and all that just lying around the apartment?

Harvey: I don’t know, I just figured you knew people.

Linkara: It’s magic! It’s always been magic! An enchantment called “The Image Becomes Reality,” I think, the translations kind of iffy. If it’s executed properly, the representation of an object becomes the actual object. I do it on my toys because it’s the closest representation I have to the real thing.

Harvey: What, really? Then why the hell haven’t you ever made a little box with a button on it that said “Destroy Mechakara forever and ever” or some crap like that?

Linkara: It just doesn’t work like that. Hell, I don’t even fully comprehend the rules to this stuff and even on the stuff I have, it’s tricky. It took me ten times to perform the spell before I got a working phaser. The zeonizer took months of work, because while the spell worked the first time, there’s no universal morphing grid for this thing to access and give superpowers! Hell, I’m still trying to get the spell to work right on my duel disc [which he holds], though, that might be because I don’t have the hand grip for the thing. I did try it out on a Yu-Gi-Oh card, though, just to test it.

Harvey: What happened?

[Linkara puts down the duel disc and takes a Yu-Gi-Oh card that is bigger than usual]

Linkara: This. I don’t think the spell likes being used on stuff with text on it.

Harvey: So, all this magic crap means that none of your weapons work?

Linkara: Well, I suppose that anything that I didn’t originally enchant would work, but there’s a bugger problem than that.

Harvey: What do you mean?

Pollo: He means this apartment itself is no longer safe.

Linkara: I have a low-level protection spell in place on the whole apartment. I’m not strong enough or skilled enough to protect people, but the apartment itself is safe. You could shoot guns or detonate a bomb and it would not matter, the apartment itself would remain standing. I started casting it a few years ago, after that Star Trek comic came to life and tried to kill me.

Pollo: If this mysterious gunslinger decides to pay another visit, we could find ourselves homeless very quickly.

Linkara: Yeah, but I’m more worried about the person who’s already home. [He picks up the magic gun off the table] The little girl inside of this thing considers me her friend, her partner. Whenever I use this thing, I can just hear her whispering inside my ear. If the gun’s no firing, I think something may have happened to her. DAMN IT, DOESN’T ANYONE HAVE ANY GOOD NEWS?!

Dr. Linksano: [Entering the room] And, as usual, it is up to SCIENCE to save the day!

Linkara: What have you got, Doc?

Dr. Linksano: Everything onboard Comicron-1is functioning just fine, including it’s sensors. In fact, the computers have just finished a thorough analysis of the magic gun.

Linkara: And?

Dr. Linksano: Nothing, I’m afraid. There’s still magic inside of it, as much as any other time. As far as we can tell, it’s perfectly fine.

Linkara: THEN WHY DOES NOTHING MAGICAL AROUND HERE WORK?

Dr. Linksano: I’ve been considering that, actually. It’s almost as if the magic gun was being suppressed. As if something in a specific area was keeping the magic from being utilized.

Linkara: What, like some kind of anti-magic field…[Realizes, Dr. Linksano nods at his hypothesis] You think that-

Dr. Linkasano: Oh yes, I do.

Linkara: Well then, I think we should go pay Dr. Insano a little visit.

[The end]

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