January 2, 2012
Ted Turner, AOL, and a kid who thinks time travel gives him superpowers. I only wish this was a joke, because then something actually FUNNY would happen in this comic.
(We cut to Linkara's futon, but Linkara's not there. A bottle of alcohol is slammed on the futon, and a hungover Linkara is struggling to get up)
Linkara: (groaning noise) Okay. 2012 is not off to a good start. Welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. This is Marville. And it is one of the worst comics ever made. (passes out)
(cue theme song. Title card's music is Smallville's theme song)
Linkara (v/o): This is one that's been on the back burner for awhile, mostly because I didn't own a copy. Unfortunately, I do now. There are bad comics out there for various reasons. And some are bad because of different opinions on them. There are people out there who actually like Cry For Justice for reasons that completely elude me. But nobody, I mean, NOBODY is going to come rushing to the defense of this thing. This is a mess and it starts off with why it was created at all. Supposedly, Marville came about because of a bet. Bill Jemas, (pronounces like: Je-MAS) or Hah-mus, I'm sorry, I don't know the pronunciation, who was president of Marvel at the time, made a bet with writer Peter David. The sales on Peter David's Captain Marvel series, and that's Marvel's Captain Marvel, not the DC one, comic books are confusing, were in heavy decline and apparently was believed that it was because the book was too self-referential and insular. Readers couldn't get into it because of backstory and references to other work. As such the bet was centered around whose book will sell better at a promotion called, U-Decide.
BECAUSE POOR LITERACY... CREATES BOOKS LIKE MARVILLE.
Peter David launched a new Captain Marvel series from Number 1 and Bill Jemas made Marville. Marville is a six-issue miniseries, kind of seven but we'll get to that when we eventually get to issue six, that starts off as a parody comic that evolved into a pseudo-philosophical treatise on the nature of God and the universe as seen by Bill Jemas and just collapsed under it's own stupidity.
Linkara: But what is Marville a parody of? Well, pretty much anything. And we'll see why Peter David won that bet as we dig into Marville No. 1.
Linkara (v/o): Judging from this cover and the title of the comic, you'd assume this was a parody of Smallville, that Superman prequel show that lasted ten years too long. But nope, this has nothing to do with that other than the title. Why is it called Marville? Hell if I know. Smallville had been around for a year before this came out, so it's not like the reference was all that timely. If it's meant to be funny, then I don't get the joke.
Linkara: Oh, and trust me. You will be hearing the words, "I don't get the joke," a lot in this review.
Linkara (v/o): I will give Marville one credit over all the other so-called "humor" comics that I've reviewed before. It's in color.
Linkara: (sarcastically) Yeah, because that was my problem with Bimbos in Time. If the dinosaur poop in the end had been in color, I would have loved it.
Linkara (v/o): We start with An Insider's Guide to Marville #1.
Guide: Here are a few things to know about comic books and about the real world to get the "inside" jokes in Marville #1.
Linkara (v/o): This page completely baffles me. The first section explains the backstories of Batman, Spider-Man and Superman. This came out in 2002. The only people who would buy this damn thing would already know this stuff. And frankly, most people in the real world know who those characters are, too.
Guide: Bruce Wayne's parents were killed by a robber who left them to die in an alley. So now, as Batman, he seeks revenge by fighting crime -- Hi-jinx to follow.
Linkara: Okay, well, that was kind of amusing. (pause) Now let's ruin the joke.
Guide: Peter Parker's foster parent was killed by a robber whom Peter, as Spider-Man failed to stop -- Hi-jinx to follow.
Linkara: Doing the joke once is fine, considering the dark tone of the Batman stories. Doing it again with Spider-Man JUST MAKES YOU LOOK DESPERATE FOR A JOKE!
Guide: Kal-El's parents placed him in a rocket ship before they were killed by an explosion of the planet Krypton. Now, as Superman, he fights for truth and justice -- The American way to follow.
Linkara: (confused) It's funny because they didn't say "hi-jinx" that time?
Linkara (v/o): Now, we get to the second section which explains that DC Comics was run by Paul Levitz, it's not anymore making any jokes on this matter completely dated, who "fights a never-ending battle to keep his business obscure."
Linkara: Okay, that's just an awkward sentence. Was Paul Levitz trying to prevent DC from being obscure? Was Paul Levitz trying to make DC obscure? What the hell? What businessman would want their company to be obscure?
Guide: This is no small feat as DC owns Batman and Superman, and they, in turn, are owned by AOL-Time-Warner, which ranks among the world's largest and most prominent entertainment, publishing and merchandising companies. AOL folks show up all over Marville.
Linkara (v/o): And by that, they mean Ted Turner is the only one related to AOL that shows up and nobody else does, so saying that is meaningless. It goes on to explain that, before Time Warner was sold to AOL, it bought out a lot of Ted Turner's businesses. Now the reason why this is so damn confusing for me, aside from the fact that I don't really care all that much about business deals between huge conglomerates, is that by explaining this they pretty much tell what the joke is. I'm serious. There are jokes in this centered squarely around Ted Turner and selling out to AOL or him starting the Goodwill Games in the 80's. Or in other words, THEY'RE EXPLAINING THE JOKE!!
(Clip from Batman: the Animated Series)
Joker: If you have to explain a joke, there is no joke.
Linkara (v/o): Then, it goes on to explain about how Ted Turner married Jane Fonda(?) What the hell does that have to do with jokes about Time Warner? Oh and by the way, they divorced in 2001, yet this comic depicts them as happily married. AGAIN, THIS CAME OUT IN 2002!!
Linkara: That's like me doing a joke about how steamy Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck's relationship is getting... IN 2010!
Linkara (v/o): But enough of the backstory, let's get to the comic itself and why this thing is a mess. We open in the year 5002 AD at the opening of some guy's comic book store.
Owner 1: Congratulations, your store is huge!
Owner 2: After three thousand years, the comic industry finally recovered from Ron Perelman bankrupting Marvel.
Linkara: (looks up to the camera in confusion) Who?
Linkara (v/o): Oh, the guy who bankrupted Marvel in the mid-90's and almost screwed over the entire industry. I had to look that up because I'm the kind of guy who cares more about the stories than the business side of things, as most casual fans are.
Linkara: So, you could just imagine how "hilarious" that joke must have been to a casual fan. (pauses with a grin on his face; then he questions) Hey wait, why the hell did we spend sentences on Ted Turner and Jane Fonda, if the first joke out of this thing is about Ron Perelman?!!
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, meteors begin crashing down into the city and destroys the guy's comic shop. Though, strangely, the two in front of the shop are just standing there, despite the fact that an explosion like that should send them flying. We cut to Ted Turner and Jane Fonda.
Linkara: (unsurprised) Yeah, they're still alive in the year 5002. (pause to let that sink in) No, it isn't a joke or anything. It's just a part of the comic that we never get an explanation why.
Linkara (v/o): I would have thought it was just a typo like they meant 2005 instead of 5002, except all the visuals show a futuristic city and the comic guy says it took 3,000 years to recover from Marvel's bankruptcy. Anyway, plot! Ted Turner says that a meteor shower is starting in five minutes and a giant one will strike AOLon. Yes, they explain later on that Earth was bought by Ted Turner, who then sold it to AOL who renamed it AOLon.
Linkara: You fools!! You ruined the brand name recognition of Earth. Earth stays crunchy even in milk. No one knows anything about AOLon.
Linkara (v/o): Also, the fashions in the future look really stupid. Apparently, women wear red dresses with checkerboard highlights. Anyway, Ted Turner says it's the end of the world.
Ted Turner: Unless...
Jane Fonda: Unless what?
(Cut to a clip from Robot Chicken. At the front desk of his business office, Ted Turner dresses up like Captain Planet and runs out of the building)
Ted Turner (Robot Chicken): CAPTAIN PLAAAANEEET!!! CAPTAIN PLAAAANEEET!!!
Linkara (v/o): No, actually, Ted Turner suggest the much more rational plan of putting on baseball caps, walking out, yelling "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW," and karate chopping a meteor. And it works.
Turner: Look, everyone, the chop works! Let's all do this together and we can save the planet.
Man #1: You expect thousands of people to gather together and chat like Hollywood Indians? Are you nuts?
Linkara (v/o): Okay, this is apparently a reference to a baseball controversy surrounding the use of Native Americans in baseball teams and in particular the Atlanta Braves and their use of a chalk motion. I actually was really confused by this originally until it was explained to me. You know why? Because I'm not a baseball fan and I didn't know or care this was happening at the time. It's just a dated reference that will leave future readers utterly baffled. Why is it here? Because Ted Turner owns the Atlanta Braves. That still doesn't answer why he thought doing that to a meteor would work, but, then again, Ted Turner is is alive in the year 5002. Clearly, he is some kind of robot that can take down meteors in a single stroke. By the way, did I mention that there's a crowd outside Ted Turner's house? Because, you know, when meteors start crashing into the planets, the first thing you should do is go to Immortal Ted Turner's house.
Linkara: Or maybe Ted Turner's like Merlin and he ages backwards. The guy was 65 years old when this comic came out and he doesn't look all that old in these panels.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the crowd starts following their lead when some random guy comes up.
Man #2: Cease and desist at once. You're chopping exaggerates and trivializes ancient Native American rituals for the sake of a stupid baseball game.
Linkara (v/o): You know, if somehow you do find this offensive, even though saving the planet should take priority, perhaps you should try punching them or hitting them with a stick or something. They seem pretty weak and-- Wait, if these meteors can blow up huge buildings and cause property damage, why is it so damn easy to chop them in half? Jane Fonda points out that they're trying to save the world but the guy just says:
Man #2: Nevertheless.
Linkara (v/o): And I guess that's the end of the conversation because the two just go back inside and no one tries anything further. The guy stands there smug and smiling at this before a meteor thankfully smashes his face in. At least, I think it's the same guy because he's wearing the same clothes despite having a different facial structure and hairstyle than before. Jane Fonda points out that their child will die so young and I wonder if this isn't supposed to be like their descendants, you know like Ted Turner the 29th or something. I only say that because Ted Turner has a decent mustache, whereas (picture of) the real Ted Turner can barely get a mustache to form over his upper lip. Anyway, Ted's master plan is to use a rocket ship to send their son to Earth.
Jane: Ted, honey, it's a hare-brained scheme.
Ted: That's what they all said about TBS and CNN.
Jane: And the Goodwill Games.
Linkara: Wow, it's a good thing we had that opening expository page to point out that Ted Turner made the Goodwill Games or else I wouldn't have been able to laugh at that. (slowly struggling to let out the laughter) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Linkara (v/o): And yeah, that's the only reason why they mentioned the Goodwill Games in the introduction. They're never brought up again! Jane Fonda points out that they are on planet Earth, thus his entire plan is stupid. Then, a meteor hits and destroys the craft and they carry on during this as if nothing is happening. Ted Turner gets the idea to instead send their son back in time.
Jane: This is serious, and seriously, there's no such thing as time travel.
Linkara: And in all seriousness, YOU ARE NOT YES MINISTER!!
(Cut to clip of mentioned show)
Arnold Robinson: Serious repercussions.
Humphrey Appleby: Serious repercussions.
Arnold Robinson: Of the utmost seriousness.
Jim Hacker: Oh, it's very serious.
Linkara (v/o): Jane Fonda doesn’t believe that he has a time machine and asks how it works.
Ted: I utilized dilithium crystals to alter the space-time continuum.
Jane: These are just parts of an old PlayStation 1 and a couple of Atari controllers...
Linkara (v/o): That joke could have been funny, if you forgot that this takes place in the year 5002. I guess there'll be a big PlayStation 1 nostalgia trip in 3000 years. And yeah, maybe one could argue that it's farcical, it's not meant to be taken seriously. It's just a goofy little reference. I'm sorry, but no. Even a farce has to follow some form of logic and structure, and a lot of the problems with these jokes and references step back to setting this in the year 5002. And why? For that joke in the beginning about it taking 3000 years to recover from Marvel's bankruptcy? Hate to break it to you, guys, but even if I had known who Ron Perelman was walking into this, it wouldn't have been that funny to begin with.
Ted: Kal-AOL, mommy and daddy have something important to tell our special boy.
Kal-AOL: Ease up on the baby talk, pop. I'm like 18.
Linkara (v/o): I guess by the year 5000, those damn young people will be really detached from the real world since Kal-AOL doesn't seem at all affected by the meteors crashing into his house. Ted Turner tells him that he must travel back in time and that:
Ted: Our tragic deaths will give you a heightened sense of responsibility.
Linkara: Okay, I'm sure that's supposed to be a Spider-Man joke... BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!!
Linkara (v/o): One, how will your deaths give him a sense of responsibility? Connect the dots for me. Two, Uncle Ben's death just taught Spider-Man that with great POWER comes great responsibility. This kid doesn't have any power, he's just some asshole 18 year old who doesn't care that his dad is been building time machines and spaceships out of this retro gaming collection. Three, this is really dumb.
Kal-AOL: Well, if you're sending me away, at least give me one of those green crystals with all the knowledge of the universe.
Linkara: (as Ted) For the last time, you’re not getting your Christmas present early!!
Linkara (v/o): No, instead, Ted Turner hands him an AOL Trial CD. Oh wait, this is the future. AOL Trial Blu-Ray? Now wait a damn minute, doesn’t AOL own the planet? Why would there be Trial CDs when they’d probably just make everyone use AOL? Ted Turner tells him he needs a special suit in order to get into his TARDIS that says Marvel across it.
Kal-AOL: Sure, but what's “Marvel?”
Ted: You see, son, dad's comic company (DCC) sucked. They couldn't make a decent book.
Linkara: JSA, The Titans, Starman, JSA (JLA, not JSA again), Batman, Young Justice. But hey, even if this mean-spirited jabbing at DC was inaccurate, they still didn't make Marville now did they?
Linkara: There's more to that quote unquote “joke,” but let's just skip it considering how much we still need to cover with us. So, the kid travels back in time.
Linkara: This is like a story told by the cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the future.
(Cut to clip from Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series in which Seto Kaiba meets the mentioned character from Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
CGoCPftF: And then, in the year 5002, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda sent their infant son of 18 years back to the present in a time machine made of PlayStation 1 parts.
Seto Kaiba: You've been drinking again, haven’t you?
CGoCPftF: Shut up! You're not the boss of me.
Linkara (v/o): After Kal-AOL is sent back, Jane Fonda wonders if they should travel back in time too, but Ted Turner says it would be risky.
Linkara: So, it's not risky enough for your son, but sending yourself back? Oh no, no, too risky.
Linkara (v/o): Immediately upon arriving in the past, Kal-AOL is met by several comic fans who see that his outfit says “Marvel Enterprises,”-- The second word is on its belt-- and they ask if he knows Joe Quesada. What, you own a shirt that says Marvel on it and immediately people think your best buds with Marvel stuff?
Linkara: (holding up a Marvel t-shirt) This is my Secret Wars t-shirt. I wear it because I'm best friends with Dan Slott and Brian Michael Bendis.
Linkara (v/o): Kal-AOL decides to see if he has any super powers because he's now in the past. Wait, what? Dude, you're a time traveler. That does not give you superpowers. Naturally, this fails, but then his dog that we saw earlier, AOLstro, has been sent back in time by his parents. So the current count is: Your children and pets? A-okay to risk sending into the past. Yourselves? What are you crazy or something?
KalAOL: This sucks. I don't go to a place with lighter gravity, so I'm not super-strong. No x-ray vision. I come all the way from the future, and all I have to show for it is this stupid shirt.
Linkara: You know, I've said it before, but I've never quite meant it as literally as I do now. The future is dumb.
Linkara (v/o): We get a new example of how moronic our protagonist is. Oh yeah, did I mention that KalAOL is the main character? He walks into the middle of the street and is almost run over by a taxi. When the taxi slams its brakes, he picks up his dog and runs onto the sidewalk. Because of the fact that the taxi stopped before hitting him, he thinks he has the power to stop time. The taxi driver, a woman named Mickey, points out how stupid that is, but he wants to take a taxi ride over to Penn Station so he can go see the President. We are only now passing the halfway point in this comic, people. He tells her he's from the future and they first travel to the bank so he can pay the taxi fare, but, shock of all shocks, the ATM eats his card because it doesn't recognize the card from 3000 years in the future. It tells him to go talk to the bank manager, who turns out to be Alan freaking Greenspan. Again, 2002. Why is the Chairman of the Federal Reserve working as a bank manager?
(Cut to a clip from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls)
Ace Ventura: This is weird.
Linkara (v/o): Alan Greenspan explains that the account is valid, but it won't be open for another three thousand years. How the hell does he know that? I would just assume that he was some guy trying to use a fake credit card, not that he's actually from the future and the son of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda 3000 years from now. And why is nobody questioning how they're still alive in the future? Alan Greenspan then pulls out a literal sack of money with KalAOL's name on it and says he can't have it for 3000 years.
KalAOL: What the hell is this? Can I talk to the bank president?
Alan Greenspan: I don't report to him or anybody else.
KalAOL: Somebody hired you. Somebody can fire you.
Alan Greenspan: My name is Alan Greenspan. I don't work that way.
(Cut to ChaosD1)
ChaosD1: (yelling) ALAN GREENSPAN DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!! Wow, that's a new one.
Linkara (v/o): As the two walk out with only a toaster to show for this plot point, a thief suddenly runs in and grabs the bag of money with a “zoink” sound effect. How the hell did Alan Greenspan not notice the guy running around with a baseball bat? And where the hell is bank security? The guy just runs out, no one’s stopping him or anything, and all Mickey does is point out that if KalAOL actually had the power to stop time, he could have stopped the thief. I also love the vapid expression on Kal's face here. What she said didn't even penetrate his skull.
Alan Greenspan: You idiot! Now the bank lost 100 million dollars.
Linkara: Gee! Maybe it's a bad idea to keep 100 million dollars in a big sack with a dollar sign on it, as if this was a friggin' Looney Tunes cartoon!
Linkara (v/o): They walk out and see a crowd gathered around something.
KalAOL: Did the same robber who I didn't stop run out here and kill my lazy, drooly, old dog?
Police Officer: No, sir. What happened is this alleged perpetrator…
Linkara (v/o): Alleged perpetrator? He was running out with the sack of money! Security cameras caught him on tape!
Officer: ...slipped on your dog’s drool puddle. That means you get a 100 million dollar reward.
Linkara (v/o): Ignoring for a moment how stupidly the plot of the robber ended, why the hell would he get a reward for something that the dog inadvertently did?
Woman: How ironic is that?
Linkara: How contrived and really lame is more like it.
Linkara (v/o): The policeman just hands over the bag of money to him. On whose authority, asshole? That money is the bank's property and I noticed nobody cares about Alan Greenspan's banking and all this. Poor guy was just doing his job. And why does he get a reward anyway? Usually, rewards are put out in order to get information that leads to a capture or something like that. Was there a standing warrant for such a hardened criminal as a guy who robs a bank by running inside and grabbing it while also holding a baseball bat? Anyway, Kal walks Mickey home --I guess they just forgot about her taxi-- and she keeps saying she wants nothing to do with him, but he keeps insisting because he's a moron.
Mickey: Listen, KalAOL... Do you have a nickname?
Linkara: Orel? Look, we get that you were supposed to be a Superman allusion. You don't need to actually point out the full name.
Mickey: Let's go with Al?
Linkara: Just call him Kal. You completely went out of your way to give him that name.
Linkara (v/o): Mickey says he can crash there for the evening and then find him a place to stay, despite saying that she just believes his story about him being a time traveler. She points out that he’ll need an ID in the like, but he left it all in the future. However, he does have the AOL disk. It turns out that the disk contains the full amount of online information for the next 3000 years. How dramatically convenient. It also contains his birth certificate and social security card, which convinces Mickey that he’s from the future.
(Cut to a clip from MST3K: The She Creature)
Mike Nelson: You must admit this would be impossible to fake.
Linkara (v/o): And now, they suddenly decide to go to the theater. Seriously, they just cut from the scene at the computer to them deciding to go to the theater. Because, you know, a taxi driver and the son of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda are clearly going to be the biggest fans of Amadeus or The Pillowman. They decide to get their tickets from a scalper because… hell, if I know. This comic just does whatever it wants. However, it turns out that the scalper is being robbed by the guy who was trying to rob the bank earlier. Band-up jobs the cops did in trying to keep this guy in prison. That was less than a day and he’s already pulling this stuff. KalAOL, or Al I guess I should call him, steps in to intervene.
Mickey: Al, they're both criminals. Why are you doing this?
KalAOL (Al): For truth. Justice. And the American way.
Linkara (v/o): And he does this while breaking the guy's arm and kicking his ass. While time travel may not have give him superpowers, but, damn, the guy can fight, at least.
Scalper: It will cost you $500 for two tickets and I'm losing money on the deal.
Linkara: 500 bucks? What the hell show were they going to see? Given this is Marvel, I think it was Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark... buuuut given the humor level of this thing, I think we know what's really playing in that theater.
(Cut to clip from It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Superman, a 1975 musical based on... well Superman)
Superman: Hi there, America and and friendly nations everywhere. Bad week to get together.
Linkara (v/o): Mickey and Al are upset over the scalper’s prices. Then why the hell did you go to a scalper?
Mickey: That's not the truth.
Al: I saved your life and you're ripping me off?
Mickey: That's not justice.
Scalper: Let's just call it the American way.
(Cut to Linkara giving a glare for an extensive amount of time. Cut to a clip from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.)
Bones McCoy (DeForest Kelley): That's not very damn funny.
Linkara (v/o): Inside the theater, an usher tells them to take the dog outside. Wait, why do they even bring the dog with them? Mickey tries to claim that it’s his seeing-eye dog and her rationale is actually pretty sound.
Mickey: Of course he's blind, look at how he dressed himself.
Usher: Point well taken. It wouldn't be easy to look stupider.
Linkara: Finally, a character I can root for: this usher.
Al: Listen, tool, this is not a stupid costume.
Linkara (v/o): Oh yeah, great grammar there, kid. The teachers of the Year 5000 must be proud.
Al: My father gave this to me before he put me in the time machine.
Linkara: That was mildly funny, but only because it was such an absurd thing to say.
Linkara (v/o): And my favorite character is gone, as he throws them out of the theater. The thief is back again with more injuries, you’d think the poor guy would cut his losses by this point, and he's holding roses now along with a gun. What, was he going to ask Al a date or something? Why the roses? Wait, he's holding a gun... and some roses. Guns N Roses? Is that it? A Guns N Roses reference? What’s the joke? That Guns N Roses exists? When they reveal they have no money, he says he'll take the dog and sell it for medical experiments. I don't think that's how that works, but whatever. The dog makes a run for it and they go into an alleyway. There's a pow sound as if a gun was fired and Mickey helps Al up.
Al: Oh, no. No way. Did the robber kill my dog (who is all I have left of my family and a metaphor for my mother and father)?
Linkara: STOP EXPLAINING THE JOKE!! We get it, Batman reference!!
Al: Did he leave me with nothing but a burning desire for revenge within my very soul?
Police Officer: No, sir. When the alleged perpetrator dove for the leash, he got his head too close to your dog's butt. Rover here blasts out one of his nasty dog farts, and he knocks the perp out cold.
Linkara: Canine flatulence. Clearly, there is no higher form of humor. (beat, he thinks for a bit) And where did all those people come from?
Police Officer: And you get another huge bag of reward money.
Linkara: Where the hell did that bag of money come from? What, was the cop just keeping it in the alleyway for just such an occasion? What is this even a reference to? Does Superman regularly receive bags of money every time he stops Lex Luthor? Did Bill Jemas see that Animaniacs joke…
(Cut to clip of mentioned show, Yakko gives a bag full of money to children)
Yakko: Here. Have a bag of money.
Linkara: ...and just assumed it was based on an actual comic?
Al: It's like my whole life has been just one long, contrived DC comic book backstory.
Mickey: How does that make you feel?
Linkara: No, no. You were like that before the backstory bit.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, and we cut to the year 5002, since apparently, Ted Turner miscalculated the asteroid impact and, in fact, they are not doomed. They can't bring Al back, but they can send him stuff. First things first might be to tell him that you're not dead. Back in the present, Al says he still wants to be a superhero, but Mickey points out that he doesn't have superpowers.
Al: I could start to do things the Marvel way. You know, have a realistic lifestyle with a job and everything, and then fight crime out of my sense of responsibility.
Linkara: I hate to break it to you, but almost all the Marvel's prominent characters were defined by tragedy in their lives, too. And very few of them lack superpowers of some variety. I think DC actually has the market cornered for heroes who fight crime with only their wits and a collection of gadgets.
Linkara (v/o): A flash of white appears before them and Al says that his parents sent him something from the future.
Mickey: Sweet, what is it a phaser,-- a transporter, what?
Al: Clean underwear.
(Linkara glares intensely because of that “joke.” We cut to a clip from Robot Chicken, where Leonidas I from 300 is watching TV.)
Leonidas I: THIS. ISN’T. FUNNY! (Kicks the TV off its stand.)
Linkara: This comic sucks. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Was this really all that bad? YES!! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES!!
Linkara (v/o): The immortal Ted Turner is apparently smart enough to invent a time machine out of PlayStation 1 parts, but can't calculate if an asteroid is going to hit Earth? The main character thinks that time travel can give you superpowers. The few jokes, that you can actually think of as jokes, aren't funny. It wants to be meta and clever, but instead it just obnoxious and insulting to the competition and Alan Greenspan is a bank manager who can tell the future.
Linkara: And if that's not enough for you, then let me put it this way. I've read the rest of Marville and, in future installments, we have:
(Cut to a montage of stills from future Marville issues)
Linkara (v/o): Rush Limbaugh being flatulent, an entire issue written without speech bubbles. No, I don't mean a comic without dialogue. I mean there are no speech bubbles. Our humor comic suddenly takes a right turn into a discussion about evolution versus intelligent design. The first human being is revealed to be, in fact, Wolverine. Also Al and Mickey meet God.
Linkara: But we're not doing that next week, because I can't review any more issues of Marville... without A LOT of more alcohol!
(Linkara throws the comic down and walks off camera)
(It's funny because I'm using the theme song to Smallville despite this having nothing to do with Smallville! LAUGH. LAUGH, DAMN IT.)
(If you want to read up on what awaits for Marville, google [http://4thletter.net/2009/03/the-marville-horror-part-1-better-sales-through-self-immolation/ "The Marville Horror" from the blog 4thletternet!)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, hey, I just noticed there's a meteor heading for the scalper's head. Okay. Why? Ugh.