And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(singing) Go spoilers, go spoilers, go! Go spoilers, go spoilers, go!
There's these turtles who are ninjas.
And they were experimented on on a scientist who has a little girl named April O'Neil.
Who fed them pizza and named them after the Renaissance artists.
Which, yeah, little girl who's gonna grow up into Megan Fox would know the Renaissance artists.
I only know one: the artist formally known as Prince.
But then the labratory was burned down, and the little girl helps them escape into the sewer!
Where they grow up doing mostly nothing but making in-jokes.
"So you're mutants who are teenagers and turtles and ninjas?"
"Well, it sounds silly when you put it like that."
"So you're aliens?"
"No, that'd be even stupider. (winks at camera) Wink wink!"
"Hey bro, you gonna help me with my hip-hop Christmas album?"
"Oh Mikey, only a franchise that doesn't know when to stop would do something as silly as that. (looks at camera) In the 80s or 90s. (pauses, then winks)"
So April grows up and starts working for a pointless Whoopi Goldberg cameo--
(walks bye and waves) "I'm a pointless Whoopi Goldberg cameo!"
--and tries to talk about these giant turtles she's been seeing to an unfunny Will Arnett.
"Hi, I'm unfunny Will Arnett!"
"How come you're not funny anymore?"
"I used it all up in the Lego movie."
But there's this evil scientist called Eric and he's working for the evil Shredder.
Who's just a big jerk who wants to take over the world.
Unlike the original Shredder who is...just a big jerk who wanted to take over the world.
But in a cooler way!
He liked to ride around in a giant, metal, white testicle with an eye on top of it! (pauses) This show was weird!
So the Shredder finds the turtles hideout and he turns himself into the most diabolical, evil thing you can imagine: Penis-envy Shredder!
"I am a giant car engine that shoots knives!"
"Dude, you look like Michael Bay's kidney stone!"
"So? You four are pretty much just Mudflaps and Skids! Now, I will defeat your rat master with my giant robotic body, while the Foot soldiers defeat you with their guns and electric shooty thingies!"
"You know, for a movie called 'Ninja Turtles,' there's not much ninjitsu in it."
"We'll just say 'hi-yah' once or twice. Shock 'em!" (gets zapped)
So the Shredder captures three of them and destroys their whole home.
And by whole home, I mean a small little part in the middle of the home.
But Raphael climbs out of the rubble because, again, they just blew up a small part in the middle of the home.
And he's like, "I gotta believe in teamwork again to get my brothers back!"
"Wait, was that ever an issue for you?"
"Kinda. We mentioned it once, maybe twice."
"It's okay. I'm supposed to be the one you're always supposed to save, but actually I think I saved you guys more than you saved me."
"Well, that doesn't sound too bad for ya."
"It would be, except that I'm boring as brick."
So it's revealed in the turtles blood they have a cure the disease.
This disease that they're gonna spread throughout New York and then give the antidote so that the Shredder and Eric will have uncontrollable power.
Actually, how the hell would that work?
"As the already rich guy who has been made stupid richer, I hand over all my decision-making to this evil metal-looking guy."
"Ah, sir, you still didn't seem to answer any questions about how that horrible disease all came from that giant building obviously owned by you."
"My giant, scary metal guy will answer all those questions."
"Uh, I don't really know what to say. I always planned about ruling the world and now that I have it, I don't really have any plans for it. (pauses) I'm evil?"
But the turtles escape and they stop the Shredder on top of a building.
Kind of like every Turtle climax that's been done with the Shredder the more I think about it.
And even though they defeat him, they're all falling to the ground and Raphael makes a big confession.
"I'm suddenly gonna take years of resentment and build it up into being the world's greatest physiciatrist and analyze myself and explain everything about my character in this couple of seconds that everybody already knows!"
"Yeah, whatever. Can we just eat pizza and say outdated catchphrases?"
So the past few weeks have been really good for me and movies because I usually see talking turtles and talking raccoons all the time, and now everybody else can see them!
Now if only you could see me for the true beauty I really am. (camera moves in close as his lip quivers)
Or give me money for drugs. Either works.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll get Krang in the next movie! I even know where to get a talking brain.