July 12, 2011
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. To make a creepy idea charming doesn't make it charming. It makes it...more creepy. And I think that anyone could say that of today's film: Milk Money.
[clips from the movie play as the song "This Heart" by Nanci Griffith plays]
NC (VO): Okay, here's the premise: A bunch of little boys want to see a grown prostitute naked.
NC: (shrugs) Charmed yet?!
[back to various movie clips]
NC (VO): Yeah, it can only go downhill from there. How the hell are you supposed to have a whimsical, semi-family comedy established when that's your friggin' setup?
NC: (speaks quickly) Who says they do? Not me. Let's get this over with. Milk Money.
[opening plays with NC's voice] So how does this charming little romp of a movie begin anyway?
Brad: You ever fart and sneeze at the same time?
NC (VO): And add Melanie Griffith's name over that and we're off to a good start. It turns out a bunch of boys are having a girl slumber party, complete with giggling, talking about crushes and having no fucking clue what the hell they're talking about.
Kevin: I found it in my mom's secret drawer. [opens a container which consists of a female condom]
Brad: [inspecting it] It goes at the bottom of the bathtub to stop the drain.
Frank: No it doesn't. It's a diaphragm.
Kevin: I think it's a travel-drinking cup.
NC: Or...maybe it's a cheap joke.
Brad: [inspects an eyelash curler] I found it in my sister's room. I believe it's some kind of weapon.
NC (VO): Okay, was I born a chick? Because even I knew what these things were at that age. Just because we're boys doesn't mean we're total friggin' morons.
NC: [holding a hair scrunchie] What's this? I don't know. It must've come from an ancient alien tribe! Let's try to milk it! [tries to "milk" it]
[cut back to the three "morons" holding their flashlights to the ceiling]
Brad: Looks like a boob.
Kevin: Yeah. Hey, make 'em fly around.
NC (VO): So after the charming "flashlight boob" scene, we cut to our main kid named Frank and his dad, played by Ed Harris. It turns out Frank is studying sex education in school. But he's having a little bit of trouble.
Frank: They assigned this, but I'm getting nowhere with it! You can't really relate that to the real world.
Frank's dad: Like how?
Frank: Like, was Mom a virgin before you married her?
NC: [spits out water he was drinking] Why is it I'm always drinking when a scene like that happens?!
Frank: Are you going to tell me about Mom or not?
Frank's dad: No.
NC (VO): So he goes to one of those schools where the kids conveniently have no copyrighted images on their clothes as we see our three little heroes are pretty damn obsessed about this whole sex thing.
Kevin: What are we looking at?
Brad: [gestures in front of his chest, meaning "breasts" as they look at girls walking by]
[then cut to a porno where a woman is heard moaning]
NC (VO): Oh, and they watch porn, too. Did I mention that part?
Frank: [while watching] What's that?
Brad: Think it's an elbow.
[Kevin brushes crumbs off Brad's shirt into a dustpan]
Brad: Will you stop cleaning? Why do you do that?
Kevin: My dad demands complete order and sanitation.
NC (VO): Okay, here's the thing: if you wanna talk about a kid's sexual discovery, that's fine. But they're doing it in such a cutesy way. Do it in an adult movie. This is not the right way to handle it.
NC: Oh. Don't believe me? Don't believe me that's overly sappy and cutesy? Well, let's take a look at the three kids here.
[clips show the kids as the Critic's describing them]
NC (VO): You got one kid always telling jokes, another kid who's concerned with being clean and the last kid who's obsessed with his leather jacket and good looking hair.
NC: Sound familiar?
[clip from Full House characters who look almost exactly like them]
NC (VO): That's right. If you want the equivalence of Full House talking about their sexual discoveries...
NC: ...get out of here before I kill you!
Brad: I know a place where the girls are naked all the time. Where guys can see naked girls all they want, twenty-four hours a day.
NC: The Internet! It's all over the place. [image of censored naked girls pop up; the Critic pushes it out of the way angrily]
Kevin: I don’t believe such a place exists.
Frank: Where is this [place]?
Brad: The city.
NC (voiceover): They partake in Screenwriting Cliché #562: Breaking the Piggy Bank (accompanying text appears onscreen) with a hammer when they simply could’ve just opened it, and they begin raising the money to go to the city to see a woman naked. They sell their videos, they sell their comics, they let…girls pay to try their jackets on…
NC: (confused, whispers) That confuses me, I don’t know...
NC (voiceover): And they finally get enough money to go to Randomville, where the prostitutes are many.
(Cut to a man named Cash closing his briefcase full of cash and studying his face through a mirror)
NC (voiceover): Ah! Now we come across Screenwriting Cliché #235: the Gangster in the tacky Hawaiian shirt and jewelry. (The caption “Screenwriting Cliché #235: Gangers in Tacky Hawaiian Shirt” is shown)
Betty: Cash, where are you going?
Cash: You don’t ask me that. Never ask me that!
NC: (as Cash) Nevah ask me about my painfully obvious business!
NC (voiceover): It turns out he’s the mobster/pimp for Melanie Griffith’s character V. (A Photoshopped image of Vee and Frank together with the character V from “V for Vendetta” pasted over her face is shown briefly; he scoffs at it) Wouldn't that be a better movie? She’s the kind of person the boys are looking for but don’t know how to find. REALLY don’t know how to find.
Frank: How do we tell a prostitute from everybody else?
Kevin: Yeah, how do we know we’re not asking a ballerina or a lawyer?
Brad: We just gotta go for it.
NC (voiceover): I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that any group of boys can be THIS COMENDABLY DUMB! I mean, this is beyond having no social skills. This is being an alien on another friggin' planet!
Brad: Excuse me.
Brad: Are you a prostitute?
Woman: (becomes offended) What?
Man (from “Monty Python’s Life of Brian,” played by Eric Idle): Well, if it’s not a personal question...
(The woman smacks Frank in the face before she walks away in a huff; cut to a homeless man talking to the three boys)
Homeless Man: You guys need some help?
Brad: We wanna see a naked lady.
Homeless Man: Ooh. How much money you got?
Homeless Man: That’ll do it. Come on. (He gestures for the three to go into an alley)
NC (voiceover): Really? So now these kids are so stupid, they don’t even remember Stranger Danger? Because that’s taught to you in, like, kindergarten! Hell, even this guy looks like a cartoon mockup of all those criminals you're not supposed to go with! (A drawing by NC of the homeless man is shown with the caption “Stay away from…you little idiot!” pointing to him)
Homeless Man: (aims a gun at the three boys) OK, backpacks.
(A car door opens, and it slams in front of the homeless guy, knocking him out)
NC (voiceover): Luckily, Griffith happens to open the door right on his face in the middle of a job.
V: (to the boys) You all right?
All Three Boys: Yeah.
NC (voiceover): So after she saves their lives, the boys wish to thank her in the best way they know how: asking to take her top off.
Frank: We just wanna look.
V: (looks around the alley to see that no one else is around) How much looking?
Frank: As much as money could buy.
NC: You know that uncomfortable tingling in the back of your neck that tells you you’re going to Hell for watching this? (Beat) That means you’re still human, hold onto that.
(Cut to V and the boys riding in a taxi cab with her riding in the front and facing the boys)
V: OK. (Brad helps light her cigarette) Thank you.
V: OK, pull your shirts up over your heads. (NC shrugs in confusion at what is happening) Come on.
(All three boys proceed to pull their shirts over their heads as we get creepy music playing in the background; even the taxi driver looks puzzled as V continues looking at the boys’ bare chests; On either side of the screen, we get vertical yellow bars rising up and turn into red with the caption “AWKWARD LEVELS RISING” appearing in the center of the screen)
V: M’kay, you’re not hairy enough to be dangerous.
NC (voiceover): I swear to God, this movie’s a five-star restaurant menu of wrong. I wouldn't mind so much, except we’re only on the appetizers! So she takes them back to her apartment and, well, guess what she does?
(V takes off her top to show the three boys; only Frank has his eyes covered with one hand, and we hear that same creepy music again)
V: What’s the matter?
Frank: I can’t do it. I wanna be a gentleman.
V: Doesn't a gentleman bring enough for everybody?
(Brad hands the bag of money to Frank, and he brings it over to V with his eyes still covered; on either side of the screen; we get the same rising bars again, but with a different caption labeled “AWKWARDNESS REACHING LETTERMAN LEVELS” put in the center)
Brad: This is the greatest moment of my life.
(Cut to the three boys out walking the streets and handing each other a cigarette that V gave them)
NC (voiceover): Oh, good! The bright, goofy, colorful music would suck out all the despicable unpleasantness this movie is offering.
Brad: (with a cigarette in his mouth) We’re men.
NC (voiceover): So V goes to that reject from “Tony and Tina’s Wedding” (Cash) who’s pissed off because he knows that his girlfriend Anne Heche is gonna go lesbo in a year or two.
V: (to Cash) I’m a person, and I have feelings.
Cash: (lightly chortles with laughter) Oh, you’re a person now. (He gets up to grab his coat) Well, neither of youse two move until I get back.
V: I am a person. I am a human being.
NC (voiceover): (as V) I know you can’t tell it by my acting, but it’s true.
V: (to Betty as she grabs some car keys before leaving) Tell the asshole I’m borrowing his car.
NC (voiceover): She sees the boys got their bikes stolen and offers them a ride in the gangster’s car.
Frank: It was nice meeting you. (He offers a hand to shake hers)
V: Likewise. You’re a very well-behaved young man.
NC (voiceover): You know, for someone who runs away, puts his friends in danger and pays women to take their clothes off.
(After Frank has left the car, V tries to start the car again, but the engine won’t start)
NC (voiceover): But it turns out her car breaks down, and she has to stay in the suburbs, which, of course, leads to the meeting of V and Frank’s dad, who, did I mention, has a dead wife?
Frank: V, this is Dad.
V: Hello… (She and Tom shake hands)...Dad. (She chuckles, and Frank´s dad stares at her face for a few seconds)
NC (voiceover): (as V) Well, I can certainly see where your son gets all his awkwardness from.
Tom: (while taking Frank away to talk to him in private) What’s she doing here?
Frank: Her car broke down.
Tom: Yeah, but who is she?
Frank: She’s Brad’s new math tutor. She gave me a ride home from his house, and then her car wouldn’t start.
NC (voiceover): And this leads to Screenwriting Cliché #129: Misreading the other person’s double meanings. (The caption “Screenwriting cliché #129: Misreading the Double Meanings” is shown onscreen)
(Tom and V go to inspect her car)
Tom: You enjoy it?
V: Enjoy it?
Tom: I bet you’re really good at it.
V: There’s only one way to find out.
Tom: Boy, I’m glad to hear you say that. (He goes to open the hood of his car to attach jump cables to its engine) Because it’s the one subject he’s having trouble with.
Tom: You think you can fit him in?
(Once again, the rising bars have reached the top of the screen, and the new caption “MAXIMUM AWKWARD LEVELS” appears in the center with a buzzing warning sound effect)
NC: OK, OK, I’m gonna give you one chance. ONE CHANCE to take the high road! If you are actually smart enough not to take advantage of this joke, then I will have some measly little bit of respect for you. (Beat) So go ahead... what’s it gonna be?
V: Are you kidding? At his age?
Tom: I’m afraid if he’s not gonna learn it now, he’s never going to.
(Cut to NC with the movie poster for “Milk Money” appearing next to him)
NC: You’re going to Hell. (He reaches off-screen to pull down a lever, causing the poster to plunge below the screen, and he looks down to where it has fallen and waves goodbye as he speaks; we hear the laugh of the Headless Horseman from "The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad", in the background and the room has turned to red) You’re going to Hell, movie! I’m so sorry! No, no, you stay down there! You stay down there and you DIE! YOU DIE DOWN THERE, MOVIE!! (He spits down where the poster fell)
NC (voiceover): So (sighs) after we partake in the lowest of lows, we see V walk around the suburban town trying to make some money.
(V walks down the street with a light swing song playing in the background before she passes by a group of girls sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones)
Stacey: Look at that woman.
Holly: Oh, my God.
(All five girls turn their heads to continue watching her)
Stacey: That is bad.
Holly: It is. It’s very, very bad.
Man: (to V) Would you, uh, like some company?
V: Yes, I would.
Holly: Did you hear that?
Stacey: That was bad.
Holly: That was very, very bad.
NC: I’m sorry, is this how white people act? I mean, I’m white, and I’m incredibly confused!
(Cut to Frank and V meeting together and eating ice cream cones in front of the ice cream parlor)
V: What are you doing here?
Frank: Looking for you.
(Stacey and Holly approach them)
Stacey: Hi, Frank.
Frank: (speaks in a sotto voce to V) She spoke to me. I speak to her, but she never speaks to me.
NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah, and she probably heard all that, you douche.
Stacey: Aren't you gonna introduce us to your friend, Frank?
V: I’m Frank’s father’s sister, Aunt V. We've got to be going now. See you later. (She takes Frank and walks away with him)
Holly: That is bad. That is very, very bad.
NC (voiceover): Wow. I've never heard a horrible catchphrase trying to be so needlessly nailed into your head since…
Jar Jar Binks (from “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace”): How rude.
(NC sarcastically laughs while flapping his hands at his chest)
NC (voiceover): So V finds out that her gangster friend has been shot and that the other gangsters think that she stole a bunch of money that belonged to them. So of course, she hides out in Frank’s tree house until the car is fixed and she can flee town. But there’s even more important things going on during that story, [sarcastically] like Frank has to be kept after class. Ooooh!
Mrs. Fetch: Your understanding of the female reproductive cycle is simply not satisfactory.
NC: There’s a movie where that line needs to be said?
Mrs. Fetch: I’m giving you a second chance by assigning an oral presentation.
Mrs. Fetch: An oral presentation on the material with footnotes and visual aids, due by the end of the week.
NC: …Really, movie? No…blowjob jokes on that one? The “I can fit him in” joke—that’s gold!—but the oral presentation, th-that’s just too low for us to stoop?!
NC (voiceover): Just go for the bottom of the barrel, film. You have nothing else to lose.
NC: I mean, what’s to stop you from having the kid just bring the prostitute in the class—? Play it.
(Cut to V climbing through the classroom window and the whole class reacting in surprise to see her)
(Brad and Kevin place hands on their cheeks and look at each other to scream in excitement)
NC: OK, OK, um…I hate to do this to you, guys, but this is another one of those scenes where I simply have to do a play-by-play.
(The caption “Play by Play of WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING SCENE!!!!!” appears onscreen as we get quirky brass music playing in the background)
NC (voiceover): First of all, the kid knows he’s doing wrong, so he knows he’s gonna fail the assignment, so what’s the point in doing it?
Frank: (to the class, referring to V’s breasts) An important biological function in child rearing, as both a food source and… (He rests his head against one of V’s breasts) headrest. (The class giggles and cheers)
NC (voiceover): Second, V is trying to hide out, isn’t she? As in, not draw attention to herself? This kid is literally DRAWING ATTENTION ONTO HER!
Frank: Who wants me to go on?
(The whole class raises their hands up high)
NC (voiceover): Third, I can understand the boys being excited by this, but why are the GIRLS getting turned on?! Are they looking to be little prosti-tots, too? Look at this girl (a green arrow points to a girl in front wearing a yellow shirt); her reaction’s priceless.
Frank: This…is a woman.
NC (voiceover): (as the girl in front) Well, I’ll be—yes! Yes, it is!
NC: Fourth, he’s doing this presentation for his teacher, (voiceover) and yet, he actually LOCKS the teacher out of the classroom! Well, if she can't see it, why are you doing it?! She can clearly see you’re doing wrong, so you’re gonna get in trouble, anyway! Why’d you even lock her out?
NC: FIFTH, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, even though he locked his teacher...
NC: (voiceover) ...out of the classroom, brings a prostitute to class, and violates GOD KNOWS HOW MANY SCHOOL CODES AND LAWS IN DOING IT, there are no…NO REPERCUSSIONS FOR THIS! Absolutely none! He’s never punished. His father’s never called. The news never leaves the classroom, V is never questioned, the kid doesn’t even get fucking detention! We just cut to him and V trying on his dead mother’s clothes! Truly another heartwarming ethically damning scenario!
NC: So, in case you missed it, absolutely nothing about that scene makes ANY FUCKING SENSE (He pounds his fist on his desk on each syllable for the following word) WHAT-SO-GOD-DAMN-EVER! HALLELUJAH…HOLY SHIT! Where’s the Tylenol?! (He gets up to leave off-screen)
NC (voiceover): So, as everybody would’ve guessed by…well, the beginning of the movie, Ed Harris has the hots for V and naturally takes her out on a date.
(Cut to inside a store where Stacey and her mother are looking through a clothes rack)
Stacey's Mother: (looks outside to see Tom and V walking by) Oh, look, honey, it’s Frank’s dad. I wonder who that woman is.
Stacey: (smirks) She’s a hooker.
Stacey's Mother: (scoffs) Honey. (She rolls her eyes and walks off to continue her shopping)
NC (voiceover): (laughs as he speaks) Because that’s every mother’s reaction to such an everyday line uttered by her daughter, isn’t it?
NC: (as the mother, looking off camera left) Hmm, I wonder who that is.
Daughter (off-screen voice): She’s a bitch-ass-whore-fuck!
NC: (as the mother, points and chortles) Oh, Susie!
NC (voiceover): But things—yeah, brace yourself for a shock—get even more awkward as she comes across one of her old clients which turns out is one of the boys' father.
Kevin’s Father: You know this woman, son?
V: Not as well as we know each other, Mr. Smith.
Kevin: You…know her, father?
Kevin’s Father: Uh, no. No, no, no, no.
V: So I may have the name wrong, but I never forget a face. My name is V, like the letter. (She shakes Kevin’s Mother’s hand) Your husband and I did business together once.
NC (voiceover): Boy, you know, for a prostitute, you’d think she’d be a little bit more discreet about I.D.ing her clients.
NC: But then again, this is the same idiot who—(A clip of V showing herself during Frank’s presentation is shown quickly) yeah, I put nothing by her.
NC (voiceover): But V also finds out that Harris thinks she was a math tutor the whole time, and so she decides to tell him the truth about the tree house and her real job.
Tom: What, may I ask, are you doing in my son’s tree house?
V: Take off your pants and I’ll tell you.
(NC shrugs in confusion and silently mouths the word “What?”)
Tom: Why do I have to take off my pants?
V: Because in my experience, men are better listeners when they’re not wearing pants. (Tom starts to undo his belt and pull down his pants) And I have something personal to tell you, and I don’t want you to be able to get away.
NC: Lady…you know that things can be dealt with your clothes ON, right? I mean, this is not a new phenomenon. Just because 90% of what you do is with your clothes off doesn’t mean everyone else is!
V: I’m a prostitute! Men pay me to have sex with them, OK?
Tom: Well, then, what, may I ask, are you doing teaching math to seventh graders?!
NC: (as Max Shreck (Christopher Walken) from Batman Returns) And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?
Tom: My son bought me a hooker?
V: No! He didn’t buy me for you!
Tom: (sarcastic) Oh! What a relief.
V: He just wants me to marry you.
NC: OH! OK, well, that makes it better.
NC (voiceover): So he climbs down the tree house and decides to have a conversation with his son. (Beat) With his pants still off!
NC: OK, that’s it, I’m convinced; this kid’s gonna grow up to be Denny from The Room. (A screenshot of Denny from “The Room” is shown briefly) The social awkwardness, the sexual frustration, his backstory's filled in, we now know why he’s so scary.
NC (voiceover): Of course, because this is Contrived City, they (Tom and Vee) patch things up and… (Tom kisses Vee on the lips)…now he’s dating a whore! Good for him. But suddenly, one of the mobster bosses—played by Malcolm McDowell—gets informed of her location and goes after her.
(Cut to Betty and Waltzer (McDowell) driving in a car at night)
Betty: (to Kevin's Father on the phone) You saw her in Middleton?
Betty: (puts down her phone) Uh…h-he hung up.
Waltzer: Ohh, of course, he hung up. Well, she shouldn’t be too hard to find.
Alex DeLarge (from “A Clockwork Orange”): (audio) We fillied around for a while with other travelers of the night. What we were after now was the old surprise visit. That was a real kick, and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultra-violence.
NC (voiceover): He (Waltzer) happens to enter right into the store that V happens to be shopping in and…even though he’s standing right next to her, he DOESN’T manage to pick her out. This is why you send hit-men to do your dirty work, you schmuck. They can actually tell a woman from the EXACT SAME WOMAN WEARING SUNGLASSES! So V tries to flee town because her life is in danger, but heck, not after showing up to Frank’s sock-hop! Bring the danger to the children, I always say. Ed Harris tries to meet up with her, but unfortunately, McDowell recognizes her CAR more than he does HER and follows him.
Betty: What are you—what are you gonna do?
Waltzer: I’m going to the so’-‘op.
NC: (mocks Waltzer’s British accent) Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t think they have a so’-‘op here. You might want to go ‘own the s‘reet to the ‘ocery ‘ore.
NC (voiceover): So everybody meets up at the so’-‘op and they have themselves a little fight. We then partake in Screenwriting Cliché #33: The Kid Shouting Yes… (The accompanying text for that caption is shown onscreen)
Brad: (pumps his fists downward) Yes!
NC (voiceover): Right before we partake in Screenwriting Cliché #246: The Little Kids Comedically Driving a Car. (Accompanying text appears on-screen)
V: Look out! Look out!
(All the boys scream as the car goes through a four-way intersection and another car passes by to honk)
NC (voiceover): The wheel falls off and yet somehow they’re still able to keep driving straight and then suddenly turn, outwitting the bad guy, as V escapes. We see later that she goes to the crime boss of the…crime boss, I guess, and sees if she can get out of working for them.
NC: Now, of course, this has to be a very risky, very hard-to-do process, or else she clearly could have just done this from the beginning.
V: I want out.
Jerry the Pope: Goodbye, my child.
NC (voiceover): Well, (sighs) to say that was disgustingly easy would be an insult to those who work hard to do the things that aren’t disgustingly easy.
NC: But wait! What about Ed Harris?
NC (voiceover): Oh, apparently, he chained himself to a chair to stop a big hunk of wetland from being bulldozed. This was probably explained while you were marveling over the stupidity of the other scenes, so we most likely missed it.
Tom: If this place goes, part of me goes with it. I’ll go to jail.
Police Officer #1: Tom, you’re under arrest.
NC (voiceover): (as Tom) Sorry, boy. Wet pieces of grass mean much more to me than ever trying to raise you as my son. Didn’t look like I was doing a very good job, anyway.
Mayor: Forget it, Charlie. He’s got the rights to any damn thing he pleases. (He holds out a sheet of paper to the two officers)
Police Officer #1: (takes the paper to read it) What’s going on here?
Tom: It’s the deed to the wetlands in my name.
NC (voiceover): That’s right. It turns out V found the stolen money that was hidden in the car and used it to preserve the pile of mud from being destroyed. And to make it up to her, he’s gonna name the wetlands after her. Wet, smelly and full of algae, so it just seems logical.
V: (to Tom) Tell me I’m worth money.
Tom: (chuckles) You’re worth much more than that.
NC (voiceover): And just when you think this movie couldn’t possibly give you any worse writing…
V: You know what? There is a place you can touch a woman that’ll drive you crazy.
V: Her heart. (She grins before, for some reason, a green blotch suddenly appears on the screen, which was not put in by NC, and makes a noise before quickly disappearing)
NC: (reacts in surprise) My God, did you see that?
(The green blotch is quickly shown again)
NC: Holy smokes! If you slow it down really carefully, you can see the Devil actually trying to escape through that line. (A Devil’s face appears in the green blotch before it disappears) Wow! Now that’s literally ungodly horrendous.
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): So that’s “Milk Money,” a creepy premise with a creepy delivery. I don’t know. Maybe if this was made in France as an independent film with a hard R, maybe something could have come from this. But as the quirky little comedy that gives a shrug at every joke, it’s pretty unforgivable. You feel uncomfortable watching it and wonder just what the hell’s gonna happen to these dirty little people a few years from now. Well, for most of them. (A screenshot of Denny from “The Room” is shown briefly) It’s not funny, it’s not charming, it’s just sick!
NC: So the next time a kid tries to bring a prostitute to your classroom, just remember: it could be Melanie Griffith. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Waltzer: I’m going to the so’-‘op.